I'm feeling wonderful these days. I can see and feel my body getting smaller, the bigger emotional and mental dynamics seem to be in their most wonderful place, ever, in my life. As Life Coach Gerri put it, "You're firing on all cylinders, huh buddy?" I am and it feels amazing. Still, no binges and no urges to binge. As each day passes and becomes another in this string of consistency, I'm more convinced than ever that the elimination of sugar from my daily intake has made a profound difference.
I was inspired to create and accept a challenge during last night's support group conference call. I've committed to go swimming at the YMCA sometime between now and Tuesday. I love swimming. It's one of the best exercises too, but I don't do it because I have body issue hangups.
Isn't that something? I've experienced the greatest emotional freedom of my entire life since May 15th's "epiphany day," and still--STILL, I have an emotionally paralyzing time allowing myself to put on a pair of shorts and enjoy a swim. What do I fear?
This isn't even about my weight gain and the fact that I'm roughly 100 pounds heavier at this moment than I was at my healthiest weight. It's not about that at all. How can I be certain? Because even at a trim 230, I wouldn't do it. The only swimming I did back then was at a friend's private dock with family and even that was tough. This hangup goes all the way back to my childhood and the teasing I received. It's as if my brain is conditioned to expect a throng of people waiting at the pool ready to laugh and make fun of me as soon as I walk out of the locker room. We both know this is all in my head. But it holds power over me none the less. It does because I allow it.
It will take every ounce of bravery in me to get over this and enjoy a workout in the pool sometime over the next few days. I'm going to do it. I'm going to feel the freedom and I'm going to reveal the truth behind the hangups I've protected my entire life. It's fear mixed with imagination, seasoned with experiences from long ago. I'm not twelve years old anymore. I'm an adult--a smart, talented, funny and compassionate man. I have confidence in those things. I have none in other things. That's about to change.
Spinning class was wonderful tonight. The instructor used my music. Kind of strange, simply because I'm usually the only one hearing it and now this class knows exactly what I groove to when I'm doing other things at the YMCA. It was cool seeing how others were obviously appreciating the mix of mostly 80's pop. The two songs I wanted to play during the class never came up in the shuffled playlist: Imagine Dragons "Radioactive" and Walk Off The Earth's "R.E.V.O."--both would be great spinning songs!
I've actually gone over my calorie budget intentionally today. In an effort to hit 1200 net calories (calories after burned exercise calories.) I closed my calorie bank at 1,930. Since I burned 800 calories during spin class, I needed to hit at least 2,000 today. I came up short by 70 calories. Progress, not perfection! It's very difficult to break the mind of the eat less-lose more way of thinking. I understand why it's important to add some fuel on high workout days but It doesn't automatically override the branded way of thinking. I never changed my calorie budget from 1500 during my initial 275 pound weight loss. This fact is likely why I lost the first 200 in ten months and spent the next sixteen months losing the last 75 pounds.
I must trust the process. I must give my body what it needs in order to work as efficiently as possible. I'm learning as I go. I can make adjustments later if needed.
My meal tweets today:
Cheese omelet w/3 egg whites-1 whole, slice of Swiss & mozzarella, fresh-juicy peach & gala apple. #bigbreakfast 397C pic.twitter.com/XPSKQxZqZ3
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 30, 2014
Romaine wraps w/turkey, muenster & provolone, mustard, Laughing Cow light wedge, apple, watermelon (169g). 464 cal. pic.twitter.com/HpGf7H9hAd
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 30, 2014
A record: Most green things on my plate. Sirloin (6oz), asparagus, avocado (85g), .5 srv rice chips. 624 cal. pic.twitter.com/8XaBw5hXtK
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 31, 2014
Two scrambled eggs topped with Swiss. 210 cal. #lastfoodofday Trying to bump up my calories. Still short of 1200 net. pic.twitter.com/0OLHRCnIjN
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 31, 2014
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
It breaks up heart that childhood teasing keeps you from the pool. It's amazing how powerful words are. Well Sean, words hurt you but now words can heal you. Make a big splash and have fun! :)
ReplyDeleteI will! Thank you Divad!
DeleteI understand your reluctance to go swimming in public Sean. I can't do it either. I did it a couple times when I was at my lowest weight, but it was incredibly hard. I had a long-sleeved cover up that I left on as long as possible before getting into the pool, and even then.....I felt incredibly self-conscious. I was sure everyone was staring at my upper legs and arms, both of which have lots of excess skin and are just hideous. We are too hard on ourselves....nobody is perfect...yet it is what we think we should be. My daughter-in-law who is in excess of 300 pounds I'm sure, goes swimming with my granddaughter at public pools all the time. I wish I had an ounce of her self-confidence.
ReplyDeleteMy roommate in L.A. was like your daughter in law. When I was living with him, he weighed about 600 and I weighed 500...and we were two different people in every way. His confidence level and attitude gave him a freedom I've only dreamed about.
DeleteI hope you have a great time in the pool and it helps to quiet the old teasing. As always, your food looks Amazing!
ReplyDeleteGood luck facing your fears and your past at the pool. I'm sure you,ll do just fine.
ReplyDeleteI've set it for Monday. That's when I jump in. Thank you.
Deletewhen I blogged this morning, I recalled how I used to talk to myself - 'you big fat effing slob.' If I heard a mother talking to her child in a store like that, I'd call Child Welfare on her. But yet, we can speak to ourselves in the most degrading ways.
ReplyDeleteIt was a gradual shift in thinking and learning to love myself.
Go to the pool, Sean. It is freeing and part of your evolving love affair with Sean.
It is evolving, isn't it? I'm digging Sean quite a bit. You're so right about the self-talk... we wouldn't speak to anyone else like that, yet it's so easy to do it to ourselves...it does take that gradual shift to break away... it's a learning thing...totally agree.
DeleteWow - I have tears in my eyes. I could have written those very words when you're talking about swimming. A friend of mine has been after me all summer to swim with her and I've yet to do it...and it's because of words from the past...
ReplyDeleteYou are an awesome man - you will prevail.
LM,
DeleteI will do it on Monday. I'll remember your comment here when I do. I'm ready to let that noise go--turn it down and just be free. You can too, LM... I know you can too, when you're ready. I feel like I'm ready.
How do you figure how many calories you have burned with exercising ? And, how do you know what is your calorie amount to supply your body with necessary nutrients? Not the old eat less move more........
ReplyDeleteMyFitnessPal calculates the calories burned based on my body weight and the exercise selected and minutes performed. It isn't an exact science but it's likely very close. I've had a few different nutritionist and fitness experts tell me the same thing, independent of each other-- "Make sure your net calories stay at least 1200 or above." The issue is, under 1200 net calories (calories consumed minus calories burned), the body shifts into a self-preservation mode where it thinks it needs to store fat because food is scarce... It slows the metabolism down to enable this survival function--and that makes it harder to lose weight. When we give the body more fuel--enough to stay above the 1200 line--the metabolism has enough to work efficiently--and the body isn't freaking out in fear of not getting enough. It's very difficult to accept and trust. I'm telling you right now---I've fallen short the last two days...
DeleteChildren can be so cruel! I can remember in high school how they'd make us run around the track and there I was in last place. I hated it. I hated the teasing. I've come to love exercise for awhile now but I'm still working on how I see my body and what the actual reality is.
ReplyDeleteI was always in last place too, Suzi! Yeah--the difference between our perception and reality, in my opinion--is much bigger than us.
Delete