I was getting ready for a Saturday morning location broadcast from a grocery store when I noticed how I was constantly pulling up my pants. I looked in the big mirror and realized I was long overdue for a smaller size. This revelation was a nice way to start a Saturday.
I don't typically buy things for myself, easily. I don't know why, but I just don't. As I studied my saggy britches in the mirror, I decided--today would be a new pair of jeans day.
I prepared a good breakfast before departing for the massive meat sale at the grocer twenty minutes from where I live. I no longer dread being out in public. At my heaviest regain point, I was incredibly mean to myself and totally ashamed to have let things go so horribly. The worst was running into people who had read my book and blog, then brutalizing myself with assumptions on what they must have thought upon seeing me.
One of the very important shifts in perspective I had to make before my recovery could start, was forgiveness and self-compassion. I truly had to stop terrorizing myself with self-hatred over the weight gain and what amounted to an insane back and forth of control, followed by chaos. I had to recognize, if I kept beating myself up, then I would keep holding myself down. I didn't deserve that kind of treatment. It had to stop. I had to forgive myself. Doing this enabled me to get to the point where the epiphany of May 15th occurred. Finally, I could accept myself at whatever weight and truly believe--authentically realize, no matter my size, I'm an awesome person. Losing weight doesn't make me a better person. Gaining weight doesn't make me a bad person.
Stepping out in public for a broadcast or for whatever reason, is much easier without all of the self-imposed negative energy. The weight loss can't exclusively take credit for this shift. The self-worth/identity epiphany has changed the way I see myself--and the way I treat myself.
I didn't have time to shop for jeans prior to my broadcast, so I patiently waited and headed straight to the department store as soon as I finished. Naturally, I started looking in the big and tall section.
I looked and looked--and then stopped. I had this thought recently while out with mom, but I wasn't ready to buy anything. And it was an afterthought then, like--you know what? I bet I couldn't find my size because it's not considered big and tall anymore!! Today, it hit me fairly quickly--the thought, I don't need to be in this section anymore. All of these jeans are too big!! I quickly made my way over to the 'healthy size' section and found a good pair. This was a big deal to me. I've worked very hard to fight back, turning the direction of my life and health around. The smaller number on the scale is nice. But shopping for jeans in the regular sizes section is better. It was a sweet reward for the effort and importance level I've given this journey.
I took it easy today. I enjoyed a nice nap, prepared a unique dinner and spent time visiting with my soon to be 25 year old daughter. What??? Is that even possible? She turns 25 on January 4th. She gets married soon, too. I swear, I'm only 43! I really treasure the relationship I have with both my daughters. It's special.
My Tweets Today:
Coffee. More, please. Sugar free hazelnut creamer. 30CX2 cups= 60 cal. pic.twitter.com/ofxkQXWTj6
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
Three whole eggs prepared over-medium with an orange on the side. 290 cal. pic.twitter.com/rHuKliwaDP
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
Water. 2 cups. pic.twitter.com/GY7nhyHoRP
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
Jeans shopping. Not in 'big & tall' section. I'm in the 'healthy size' people section. Feels incredible to say, "all of these are too big!"
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
Ordered water, no ice. It's a 32oz glass. I'll add 4 cups to the running total. pic.twitter.com/BjJ2GkaCLJ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
7 chips, separated from bowl & counted. Salsa and 2 tblspns guacamole. 160 cal. pic.twitter.com/ngruaqRhBf
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
Shredded chicken crispy tacos. No cheese. Topped with lettuce and salsa dressing. 410 cal. pic.twitter.com/kR5FgPZUWJ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 13, 2014
Mushroom pizza burritos! 2 gluten free wraps, 1.5 srv sugar free marinara, 3 slices mozzarella, mushrooms. 490 cal pic.twitter.com/0cX2g5Z5QJ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 14, 2014
This will make 8 cups. Might hit 10 before the night is over. pic.twitter.com/A7NsEPbFX5
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 14, 2014
Golden delicious apple and a juicy sweet Sunkist orange. #lastfoodofday 160 cal. pic.twitter.com/BAnZyeXziC
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) December 14, 2014
Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
GREAT NSV with the regular size jeans! Congrats!!
ReplyDeleteOh my, Gwen, it was fantastic! Thank you!
DeleteGreat work. New, smaller clothes are an awesome achievement.
ReplyDeleteIt's one of those nice, extra perks of this entire deal. Thank you, Natalie!
DeleteWell done on the shopping NSV :)
ReplyDeleteKaryn, thank you!
DeleteFantastic Job, Sean! You have come so far in such a short amount of time! WTG! Have a great Sunday!
ReplyDeleteThank you, A! It has been a relatively short amount of time, for sure!
DeleteGood for you "taking a day off" - we need that regularly to refill our cup! Being good to ourselves and not beating ourselves up is a big step. Judging ourselves harshly seems to be on our list, doesn't it? Happy you moved forward from that. Shopping in the "normal" section is also a reason to celebrate (with water of course) and know we are moving in the right direction. I am saying all of this to myself here ~ as well as congratulating you Sean!
ReplyDeleteN~
It is often on our list, Nancy, and it's always counterproductive. It really felt amazing to make the short walk from the Big and Tall over to the regular section.
DeleteWe are moving in the right direction, Nancy! Absolutely!! Excellent self talk, Nancy! And thank you very much!
It's fun again for me to shop for clothes. I had lost that joy, and the first few times I wandered into the 'regular' size section of the store, I was sure a clerk would be throwing me out. I felt so out of place shopping there, after years of mail-ordering 5X's from Lane Bryant. I wish I could get over equating my size and food choices with my self worth. I still feel so much better about myself when I have a good eating day and when I don't do well, I feel like a total failure.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very normal to feel good about ourselves for a good food day, Dupster. We should feel good. It's when things don't go well, we should remind ourselves as much as possible---we're still good. We're not failures...
Delete"Finally, I could accept myself at whatever weight and truly believe--authentically realize, no matter my size, I'm an awesome person. Losing weight doesn't make me a better person. Gaining weight doesn't make me a bad person."
ReplyDeleteIt's a great realization, and useful tool for long-term success... but also easy to think about, and much more difficult to live it. Even as a 5 year maintainer, I get on the scale and grimace. I try to remind my self that 6 years ago, I would have given my left leg to be the weight I am today, but somehow it's still 10 pounds from where I want to be, and that leads to some seriously negative thinking.
Thanks for reminding me to have a "perspective check."
You said it, perfectly. It is very easy to think about and very difficult to live. When I think about it, I don't want to gain weight back to test it-- I just think about all the years I beat myself up and chose to feel less than, because of my size...and I didn't have to feel that way. Being kind and gentle with ourselves, is the idea--and focusing more on what we are, as a person, instead of only what we see in the mirror. It's a delicate balance. I'm not there, 100%, I'll be the first to admit--but I believe it's an important perspective to embrace.
DeleteYayyyy on the new jeans in the regular section. I was shopping at the second hand store (nice brands at even cheaper than new prices) and had two separate times that I did not recognize myself in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost 3 years that I've lost the weight. Here's to your brain catching up to the inside/outside mind and body. :)
Karen--The brain catch up thing--oh my, it's a long process, huh? Congrats on your 3 years! The not recognizing in the mirror--oh my, I can relate...reflections in windows as I walk by...I do double takes...Is that really me? Thank you for reminding me to check out some thrift shops--now that I can get a smaller size, I might find some excellent bargains!
DeleteI find that the normal sized clothing reward far beats the number on the scale reward! Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteOh My, Divad, yes it does! Thank you!
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