Sunday, January 17, 2016

January 17th, 2016 What Flipped The Switch?

January 17th, 2016 What Flipped The Switch?

What flipped the switch, starting your turnaround from relapse/regain? 

This question has come up several times in different ways. I wish it was as simple as flipping a switch, it isn't, of course. But once a few things have been cleared away and a foundation on which to move forward has been established, it certainly can feel like a switch was flipped.

How did this turnaround start? First of all, I had support from several, including Life Coach Gerri, who kept checking on me, encouraging me--pretty much knowing where I was, but also knowing I was resistant to her and most everyone who attempted to reach me during those times. I do credit Gerri's and other's never giving up on me for helping me not give up on me.

The day it started wasn't the first time I referred to surrender. I had a few surrender moments before one finally brought me down to an "on my knees" kind of humbling.

I weighed and discovered I was six pounds away from four hundred pounds, again. And I got super scared. And I realized that if I allowed it to go past four hundred, I'd be back at five hundred pounds quickly. It was a point of surrender. It was like-okay, I need help really bad.

I had been flip flopping for a few months prior to really coming to terms. I'd do well for a few days- then off the rails for a week. Then well for a few days and so on and so on.

It took an incredible amount of strength to admit where I was.

It was a tortuous thing I was doing to myself. So much guilt, so much shame.

Embarrassment... Feeling unworthy... And opening emails from people who didn't know of this-- maybe they just bought my book or something-- and the wave of guilt-- because I was so much in hiding.

The first thing I had to do was find a way to forgive myself. I had to accept and be okay with me and what had transpired the previous 18 months.

That's very tough to do. But without that first thing, I couldn't gain any traction toward any positive momentum because I was too busy crushing myself with the weight of guilt/shame/embarrassment/hiding/feeling like a failure and feeling like I had let everyone down, from family to friends to strangers that found inspiration in my sharing.

Truly realizing that I was okay. That I was human. That this wasn't something to be ashamed of-- and realizing that all of the negative stuff were things I was imposing on me-- it didn't come from anywhere else except my own head-- and then forgiving myself and allowing that weight I was choosing to carry, lift...enabled me to put together a plan for recovery.

Starting with a foundation of forgiveness and a generous amount of compassion, I was thankfully, by the grace of God, able to develop a recovery plan built on accountability, support and a code of self-honesty that made everything very real.

One hundred eighty three pounds later and two hundred ninety three pounds from my heaviest, I'm in a maintenance mode where the biggest definition of "maintenance" is maintaining the fundamental elements of my recovery each day, one day at a time. 

photo Noah Play Time2_zpsfwico48y.jpg
After a difficult Friday, this weekend has been all about rest and relaxation. I worked out well Friday and Saturday, then decided to make today a rest day. I spent time playing with Noah this evening. He's such a joy! Look at that expression! I love him so much. 

My Noah playtime visit was a wonderful way to wrap up today.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
at

4 comments:

  1. AnonymousJanuary 17, 2016 at 11:12 PM

    I think that's the best picture of you and your grandson. He is so beautiful and I can tell by your pictures how much you two love one another. Congrats, on your weight loss and now maintance. I hope there will come a day that I can achieve weight loss and maintance instead of always gaining it back. Thanks for your blog and for being honest.
    Jeanette

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJanuary 18, 2016 at 4:56 AM

    No real plan, water most of the time, wine when I feel like it, guessing at calories, this plan, not working! I need to surrender.

    ReplyDelete
  3. NatalieJanuary 18, 2016 at 6:02 PM

    That is a beautiful photo!

    ReplyDelete
  4. LynnJanuary 19, 2016 at 9:24 AM

    What an awesome photo!

    ReplyDelete

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