I felt good this morning. I was scheduled to play in a big blackjack tournament for charity. I really wanted to do well for the charity I chose, the local domestic violence shelter, but it was not to be! I lost on a bad run of cards where the dealer hit blackjack three out of six hands. The casino sponsoring the event was to match whatever I won and the plan was to present the money raised to the charity on the air Tuesday morning.
The casino agreed to make a donation despite my horrible tournament demise--so the presentation will happen as planned on Tuesday, although the check will not be as big as it could have been had I not played so aggressively! I was going for it!! It wasn't typical blackjack strategy--it was tournament strategy, a little different. I say that like I'm a seasoned pro--this was actually my first tournament. If a chance to play for charity comes up again, I'll do it! It was fun.
The casino bought my lunch and gave me a fancy wine cork as a parting gift (I've already re-gifted the wine cork). I ordered almost the same as when I attended the TG Sheppard event at the same place. Sirloin steak, fruit and cottage cheese--and this time, a side of mushrooms.
I was disappointed in not winning or at least placing in the tournament, but not to the degree of it affecting me emotionally. But for some strange reason...
I had some serious struggle this afternoon. I had some errant food thoughts outside of what I know is right and good. The key to getting past these occasional thoughts is to get them out and in the open as quickly as possible. I know myself well enough to know, that if I keep them to myself, they'll keep at me, chipping away at my resolve.
I've learned to "tell on 'em." So, I did just that. I composed it in a text and fired it off to Life Coach Gerri. As soon as I hit the send button--those thoughts are no longer exclusively in my head. They become "exposed." And it diminishes their power considerably. Gerri replied, we exchanged thoughts and support for one another, then I prepared a really good dinner. I was back in the proper mindset, thank goodness.
This struggle today was almost as if I had ingested some sugar inadvertently. I went back over everything I had consumed in the last couple of days and I couldn't find anything. I finally concluded it was purely emotional. Being upset emotionally--even when it isn't anything major, can create an imbalance just enough--to set things on tilt, or slightly off center.
It IS NOT EASY to step outside of these things and evaluate instead of acting first and evaluating later. It is not natural for me to do this at all. I know when I'm feeling weak and at risk and it's at this intersection where I must decide: Do I turn left and make choices that could possibly be devastating?Or do I turn right and reach out for support? I know I don't want devastating, so I better reach out for help.
Having these occasional struggles can be scary and exhausting. Suddenly, you start doubting everything and then it gets really easy to turn it into very negative thoughts about what you're doing and how you're doing it. I believe the important thing to remember is to do the best you can and allow it to be good enough without the self-abrasive and abusive thinking. None of us are perfect and we don't have to be perfect--I wouldn't want to be perfect, that's too much pressure! Self-compassion is important.
After dinner and into the evening after my text correspondence with Gerri, I felt strong again. I still ended up taking a day off from working out--even though that wasn't part of my plan today, but it's fine. I'm good. My main concern today was simply staying "food sober," and that means staying within the boundaries of my food plan, maintaining the integrity of each element. I did that. Today was a success when it could have easily been a disaster. Yay.
My Tweets Today:
Coffee! Sugar free hazelnut flavored non dairy creamer. 30 cal X 2 cups= 60 cal. pic.twitter.com/S8zVfMOPMP
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) November 29, 2014
Three whole eggs prepared over-medium with a small honey crisp apple on the side. 265 cal. pic.twitter.com/QUUDsj3hx7
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) November 29, 2014
Cottage cheese (3/4 cup) and crackers (4). Appetizer. 168 cal. pic.twitter.com/VxOMLjWdeB
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) November 29, 2014
Sirloin steak. 10oz pictured, 6oz consumed. Adjusted for only 1/2 the mushrooms. Total adjusted calories: 354 pic.twitter.com/3Kfa5hN0jl
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) November 29, 2014
Beef & bean tostadas w/mozz. (2slices), 93/7 beef (5oz), ff/sf refried beans, salsa dressing, small apple. 596 cal. pic.twitter.com/iGzAnh6smx
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) November 30, 2014
Two small Honeycrisp apples with 16g natural peanut butter. 215 cal. #lastfoodofday pic.twitter.com/sVexAra8oy
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) November 30, 2014
Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Sorry you had a struggle Saturday, Sean. Glad you mustered through and ended up feeling stronger by the end of the evening.
ReplyDeleteIt happens from time to time. It's only recently that I shifted my perspective enough to actively reach out for help. The natural instincts within me says to keep it inside and let it spin, which makes it 10 times more difficult.
DeleteYou said, "have these thoughts can be scary and exhausting." Me, the last few days. Haven't gone "off" the deep end, but feel the loneliness of this all around. Its a lonely road thats for sure, for me anyway. I keep wondering if its all worth it in the end. I know its not about anyone else but me, but damn I'd like a "helping" hand every now and again.. a "hey, way to go, Rosie!" Ok.. coming out of it.. no pity parties !! NO way.. to much work for that!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you came through your struggle, Sean. You are indeed a lucky man to have so much love and support around you! I envy you for that. It must be the GREATEST feeling !
Happy Sunday!
Rosie
It can be a lonely road, Rosie, especially if what you're doing is the polar opposite from the closest people in your life.
DeleteIt is worth it, YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Rosie, you've been making incredible strides and are very deserving of plenty "way to gos," along the way. The key is, seeking out and finding like minded people to exchange that kind of support.
I highly recommend looking into the closest OA meeting--because there, you'll find people who "get it." It requires you to break out of what may well be your comfort zone-- but there's support there.
If there isn't a meeting close to you-- OA.org has a list of phone meetings and times where you can simply listen in--or participate, totally up to you and your comfort level--and again, there you'll find like minded folks who not only give support--they need it to...And as I've said, "helping others helps us," so it's a win-win.
I only have the love and support I enjoy because I made the decision to cultivate those relationships through this blog, my facebook, twitter and my weekly support group conference call I co-facilitate with Gerri. Had I not done these things--never started the writing--never shared openly as I have--my "network" of support would look very different...and my resolve and track record might be a totally different story.
Seeking out good, solid support, is critical to our success, Rosie. You can find it, and of course--you always have my support here!
And feel free to email me with questions and for support. It sometimes takes me a bit to reply--but I always reply.
transformation.road@gmail.com
or
sean@transformationroad.com
Keep on keeping on, Rosie. What you're doing is critically important. It's worth it and you're worth it. Never give up!! Your quality of life depends on it--and Rosie, seriously--you deserve to feel incredible.
My best.
I did a lot of emotional eating before my light bulb moment in 1993. I have to remember that every time my emotions spiked in any direction, I ate for 43 years, so it is often a natural instinct to be 'hungry'. I've learned that it is my soul, not my tummy, that's craving.
ReplyDeleteKudos for reaching out, my friend. I've learned that telling on my cravings takes all the power out of them.
Besides, I always love talking to you, Sean!
"I've learned that it is my soul, not my tummy, that's craving." That's golden, Gerri. Thank you!
DeleteI've learned this from you!! I sincerely appreciate your amazing support!!
Great idea to reach out when you feel weak. I'm going to try that. My usual response is to act then think. I'm going to try and switch those two around.
ReplyDeletePam, switching it around makes a profound difference. It is VERY difficult to do at first-- but once you do it, it gets easier.
DeleteDeveloping your support system is critically important! ;)
We're never alone, Pam!
Food thoughts are perfectly normal. Thank you posting about your struggle.
ReplyDeleteThis may sound weird but I'm pretty sure there is some scientific truth to it. My therapists and I explored this , so I will give you the benefit of a few hours of therapy I've had. I like to go to casinos (strictly small time slots but also roulette in the old days) but don't go to casinos but maybe once a year. That is a good thing. I think the part of the brain triggered by gambling -even gambling for charity- is the same part of the brain that gets triggered with compulsive food behaviors. I'm not sure what came first the gambling or the food thoughts, so I could be wrong. But just wanted to put this out there for future reference.
PJ, I think you're right on with this! It makes perfect sense!! Thank you for sharing this insight. Truly valuable information to consider. That part of the brain was activated and when the rush of the tournament was over--that part of the brain still wanted to be actively stimulated.
DeleteWow! Thank you so much, PJ!