September 19th, 2018 One Of Those Days

September 19th, 2018 One Of Those Days

Yesterday: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained refined sugar-free, I met my daily water goal, and I stayed well connected with exceptional support.

Last night was all about obstacles in the special workshop I'm co-facilitating with Life Coach Gerri. It felt nice to share about mine--past and present. I didn't sleep very well last night and considering the schedule I've created this week, that's not a good thing! This is one of those days when an afternoon nap will be a critically important element of my plan.

I'm keeping today's edition--at least what I'm writing this morning, short-- opting to post a couple of excerpts. This first excerpt comes from February 2009. I totally forgot about The Great Escape. The second excerpt comes from November 2017.

From February 20th, 2009: The Great Escape-
For too many years I felt imprisoned by my obesity. I guess I always realized that there was a way to escape, but the escape plan seemed too unlikely. Maybe impossible is the word. Maybe not impossible, I mean, really I knew it was possible, but escaping was just something I dreamed about and talked about when no one was looking or listening.

Like a prisoner behind bars, I just accepted that there were things I couldn't do as a 500-pound man, things I probably never would do, or so I thought.

I tried to escape several times, but I allowed my emotions, my fears, and my habits to drag me back like guard dogs at the gate. And just as an escapee gets extra time, I'd get extra pounds after every unsuccessful attempt.

Escaping from the prison of obesity forever isn't something that can be done without careful planning, understanding, and opening your mind to learn. Writing about my feelings and experiences every day and trying to grasp a thorough understanding of what hasn't worked and why, and what can work and why, is like studying the blueprints and guard assignments of the prison.

As I go from 505 pounds to a healthy weight, I'm breaking down every obstacle that stands in the way. What's amazing is, some of those obstacles, the psychological hang-ups--have lost their power over me like a guard giving a prisoner a wink and looking the other way.

And when I tell people “you can do this too,” it's like we're a group of prisoners planning our great escape. The teamwork and accountability to each other is a key element in seeing daylight here.

Unfortunately, not everyone will make it out this time. Some will get caught by emotions, stress, and a deep seeded belief that escaping is nearly impossible. But for those of us who do, our letters and stories of hope from the outside can serve to inspire the imprisoned and help them understand the blueprints and guard assignments a little better for future attempts.

I've been the one caught by the guards so many times. And when I would settle back in my cell, I'd just accept it for a little while, forgetting about the freedom others speak of, not wanting to hear about what was possible...just focusing on what I perceived as nearly impossible.

I was waiting for the right time to make my run.

Then one day I realized that I had to escape now or else die too young within those stone walls. I didn't have time to wait for “the right time” to magically happen. My time had to be now regardless of the emotional and psychological hurdles that stood in the way.

I'm navigating this escape plan with guidance from those that have gone before me. I'm always studying past escape attempts and analyzing where and why they failed. I can see daylight from here my friend, and it looks so good it makes me want to cry tears of joy.

Let's go for it!

November 10th, 2017: Bigger Points
This blog means so much to me and I'm so grateful for what it's brought me over the years. I guess I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight. It's been an amazing 9 years. It's become a big part of my daily "rails of support" even on days when I don't have much to say--no weight loss philosophy or personal epiphanies to share--there's plenty of that stuff in the archives, and I'm certainly not done sharing in these pages--but, even on a day like today, to simply give thanks for this day--and for all I've been given--and just be-- just be okay--is a blessing to me.

I could write details about the maneuvering I've done and the choices made to keep the plan intact--but those things aren't the biggest points. I could share about the obstacles and challenges--and that old pull to dive into the food in pursuit of something it doesn't contain...oh yes--I could write 50,000 words on that topic... but not tonight--because it isn't the point.

Acceptance, embrace, peace, and calm. Those are the bigger points.

I wish those things for anyone and everyone as they work toward finding their own unique "You Plan." It's a fragile thing, those things because they require daily practice--and they do because they're not an automatic-guaranteed type deal. Anyway-- I said no philosophy or epiphanies tonight, so I'll stop now.

This is a diary--and I can share whatever I desire--whatever I need to share. I don't know. 

Maybe I'm missing my little brother tonight. Perhaps I'm thinking about my dad, whom I haven't spoken to in some time-- or maybe the sadness on mom's face as she kissed her sister goodbye-- a sadness she carried back to her room when I took her back tonight-- I don't know. 

Maybe nostalgic wasn't the right word. I don't know. For whatever reason, just feeling emotional tonight. I'm feeling it. I'm not eating it. And considering my years of experience with the fruitless pursuit of emotional eating, that's one thing I'll consider a miracle.

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean