Monday, May 18, 2020

May 18th, 2020 Red Letter Day

May 18th, 2020 Red Letter Day

Since our last edition: I've maintained the integrity of my food plan boundaries, I've remained refined sugar-free, I've met or exceeded my daily water goal, I've enjoyed some really good walks and a few body-weight strength routines, and I've stayed well connected with exceptional support.

Mom received her Facebook Portal device, the nursing home staff set it up for her and she's loving it like crazy! Aside from being very concerned about her hair, she's definitely all about the video chats.














It's really opened up her world. The other day, she visited with more than a half-dozen different family members. It brightened her spirits considerably.

We're still waiting on the result for mom's COVID-19 test. She isn't showing any symptoms at all, so I seriously doubt there's a concern in that way.

May 15th was a red-letter day, always is for me. Two dates mean a lot to me, September 15th, of course, because that's the date in 2008 when all this started and May15th, 2014, because that's the day I was gifted a realization that once absorbed, I couldn't ever unknow. I often refer to it as "epiphany day." Even if negative head chatter tries to pull me in a bad direction, the epiphany pulls me back to what is true, every single time. 

I spent almost two decades as a 500-pound man.  During those years, I often entertained the thought that the secret to unlocking every source of happiness in my world would be found if I lost the weight. The crushing disappointment of losing almost 300 pounds and still feeling empty and unhappy was truly alarming. I'll pick up the story of "epiphany day" as written on this blog the very night of it happening...

DDWL Flashback to May 15th, 2014:
Then, I had an epiphany on the way to the YMCA tonight. Why in the world should I ever allow the shape of my face or the size of my pants to determine my self-worth? This isn't how I treat others, so why would I treat me that way? 

 And then I started thinking about the differences between how I felt about me at 505 and how I felt at 230 and that's when I experienced a breakthrough in my thinking. In that moment I imagined the scales of justice. On one side was my love for the non-physical parts (my mind, my sense of humor, my talents, my heart, my natural compassion for others, my ability to communicate, etc.) and the other side of the scale was my love for things physical about me. 

 The personal injustice has been the obvious imbalance and distribution of my love for self.  At my heaviest, I had nearly zero love for the physical and what little love I had for the non-physical was small, barely existent and unacknowledged because I was too busy hating the way I looked. At my healthiest weight, I still paid little attention to the non-physical attributes because I was too busy loving the way I looked.  Throughout my entire life, I've largely ignored the important things that make me who I am. My most intense focus was either hating the way I looked or loving the way I looked. With this narrow-minded perspective, the only source of identity and self-worth remaining relied almost exclusively on my appearance. It isn't any wonder why I've limited myself over the years.  Even worse is the natural tendency to project this fluctuating self-perspective onto others, as in, if I feel this way about me, surely they do too. 

 When I think about my closest loved ones, I realize their perspective of me is never conditional based on appearance. When I spend time with mom, she doesn't even notice the weight gain, she just sees her son. When I pick up my grandson and he looks at me and smiles, it's an innate understanding that I'm someone who loves him deeply and will protect and care for him no matter what. When I spend time with my daughters, it's clear their love for me isn't placed on a scale, ever.

 And then I realized: This is what they mean when they say you must love yourself first before you can fully experience and appreciate the love and richness of life. Oh my goodness, I feel like shedding tears just writing these words. 

 If I was confused before, it was very clear now. I'm a great person worthy of love regardless of my size and appearance. I have my mind, sense of humor, talents, a big heart, loads of compassion for others and so very much more. And none of it is diminished with weight gain or increased with weight loss. 

 I am me, always.

 And my journey will continue toward a healthier weight because I want to live, I want to move easier, I want to experience the freedom a healthy body weight provides. Regardless of how this journey goes, I believe I just discovered one of my greatest personal freedoms of all.  

 All of this was processed over a ten minute period as I drove to my workout tonight, as if by divine placement in my brain, an answer to my unspoken, silent plea, why do I feel this way??
#########

 That.

Losing weight doesn't make me a better person. Gaining weight never made me a worse person. The source of real and lasting happiness will never come from a number on a scale.

The more I learn about, practice, and absorb recovery, I realize it actually goes even deeper. The side effects of my compulsive overeating/food addiction manifest as a result of my spiritual, mental, and emotional conditions. I believe that. And believing that requires me to embrace the actions needed for the truest definition of recovery. That work is ongoing every single day. The physical recovery means very little without it.

I'm not an expert on any of this. I'm a student. I'm learning as I go along with this daily practice of things. I'm willing to be open-minded enough to change the things I can and let go of what I can't.

I'm full of gratitude tonight.

I prepared a good dinner this evening, enjoyed a really awesome 2.5 mile walk, and connected with some good support friends. I spoke with mom via her Facebook Portal, too. It's been a good Monday.

By the way, another 8-week session of the small and private support group I facilitate starts on the 27th. If you're interested in finding out more about joining us, email me soon: transformation.road@gmail.com 

Daily Accountability Postings:




































Do you own an "I'm Choosing Change" wristband? I wear mine daily as a constant reminder of why my daily practice of things is important. For me, it's simply a daily reminder to be open, willing, mindful, to pause, and to be intentional. If I'm not those things, I get stuck at the line of least resistance and back there is where the old patterns and behaviors thrive. Your order includes priority shipping so you'll get it quickly! Here's the link to order yours right now: https://imchoosingchange.com/product/wristband/

My website shares a phone number with my podcast, Transformation Planet, and it's always available for you! Have a question? Want to share your story? Leave a voicemail or Text me! 580-491-2228 I'll text you back!

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Practice, peace, and calm,
Sean

My website: www.imchoosingchange.com

If you're interested in connecting via social media:
I accept friend requests on MyFitnessPal. My daily food logging diary is set to public.
MFP Username: SeanAAnderson
My Twitter: SeanAAnderson
Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Instagram: SeanAAnderson
Also--I'd love you to subscribe to my podcast Transformation Planet! You can find it in Apple Podcasts, in the Google Play store for Android, and listed wherever you find your favorite podcasts! If you haven't listened before, you'll find 20 episodes waiting for you!

Questions or comments? Send an email! transformation.road@gmail.com
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