Saturday, June 20, 2015

June 20th, 2015 A Very Important Part

June 20th, 2015 A Very Important Part

I slept in this morning. I didn't have any work related commitments and I took advantage! I slept well for over nine hours and that's unusual for me, even on a day off. It was needed!

I relaxed today. I was active in giving and receiving support and I spent a fairly good amount of time memorizing lines for a character I'm playing in an upcoming play. It's a fairly small, supportive role--and a fun one, I'm looking forward to doing it! I have about 20% the lines I had in Call Me Henry several years ago, so I should be able to do this without too much issue. Why a play? Why now? Because it's something I love and I must do things that nourish the qualities in the core of who I am. It all goes back to finding that unique happiness code within.

It helps that the rehearsal schedule and time commitment required has been cut in half by the director of this project. Everything will be finished--everything, performances and all, within three weeks from now. I couldn't pass it up. I didn't want to pass it up.

I love taking extra care and giving special attention to envisioning, preparing and cooking my food. I don't always have the time--but I try my best to make the time. I took the time midday for my brunch. It was easily one of the most satisfying omelets I've created (see the brunch tweet below). Making the time to prepare the food we eat is one of the excellent ways we honor the commitment we're making to ourselves. We are worth the effort! 

And I just love navigating the calories--and coming up with a fantastic plate of food within a reasonable count. MyFitnessPal is a big help in this navigation. I needed exactly 78 calories to hit 1700 calories on the nose tonight. I decided on some red grapes. With the help of MFP, I found 118 grams to be exactly 78 calories. It really isn't a big deal to hit it on the nose--and most of the time I'm a little under or a little over--but sometimes it's fun to hit it square...just for kicks.

My plan and goal was to swim tonight in the pool I share with everyone else in this apartment community. I've never used it. Not even once. But--instead of a Y trip today, I thought, why not? 

(Warning: Excuses straight ahead) Well--I discovered the deep end was only 5 foot and the pool is small. I wasn't sure I could get a good workout without sufficiently deep enough water to tread and room to swim, so I took a rest day.

I made the decision and I'm cool with the decision. It was a beautiful night. I seriously could have done something--even a good walk. But again--made the decision to relax--and I'll be okay with it. It's okay. Seriously, I'm fine. :)

My continued recovery, always and especially now that I'm heading into maintenance mode, relies heavily on my commitment to the fundamental elements that have brought me this far. Part of those elements--a very important part, is staying connected--offering and receiving support on a regular basis. It's very important to me. Helping others helps me. I'm truly grateful for these connections.

Sometimes, when the schedule gets difficult, I do what I can when I can--and it is my best on that particular day. I spent some time catching up on some emails and comment replies today--and then I get to last night's blog post and find this comment, signed "anonymous coward," and punctuated with a winking smiley face:  

"So, Sean... You're all thin and busy now. Don't forget your friends in the comments section of your blog. Don't disappear now that you are all thin and perfect now. ;)"
Anonymous Coward

I really shouldn't let a comment like this get under my skin, but it did, I'll admit it. It did because I sincerely do the best I can. I care more than most know, I assure you. I'm not "thin and perfect," never claimed to be perfect in any way. If I take longer to reply to something you should NEVER take it personally. Some might say I shouldn't have replied to this one--but I was upset, so I did...

My reply--
First of all, I'm NOT perfect--never claimed to be--and never will be. 
Second, it's ironic that I've spent well over two hours of my day writing thoughtful replies to emails and in support of others through various other means---and I just spent a good deal of time replying to comments on previous blog posts--only to come here and find yours, A.C.
To make a judgement about me and an assumption that somehow I'm thin, busy and perfect and I haven't time for anyone, is absolutely ludicrous. People who know me well, know how I am and how important it is to me, to be available and supportive to others. You do not know me well, A.C.
"Don't disappear?" I post every single night. 
Bottom line: I do my best.
I can't believe I just spent almost 5 minutes composing a reply to this nonsense.

Hitting the pillow tonight after a fairly good day. My calorie bank is solid, my abstinence from refined sugar is going strong, I was active in support and I did things that I love, things that increase my happiness level. All of it, a part of the fundamental elements that keep me well.

My Tweets Today:


















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 22 comments:

Friday, June 19, 2015

June 19th, 2015 Just The Tweets

June 19th, 2015 Just The Tweets

Getting some rest! Just the Tweets tonight.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 4 comments:

Thursday, June 18, 2015

June 18th, 2015 Like A Puzzle

June 18th, 2015 Like A Puzzle

Tonight's blog is an updated version of a similar posting describing why I do what I do.

Why do I share the way I do and why is it important to me? Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood?

Very few people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it. 


This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years.

Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing.

I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.

I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways.

Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things. I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, was/is as good as I can do. I'm incredibly grateful for my relapse/regain period. It was during this dramatic humbling, I learned some of the best lessons.

The last sentence of my Day 1 entry written on the night of September 15th, 2008, still holds true, "I believe it (this blog) will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track."  Pretty simple. That's what it's all about.

I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me. To help me better understand the dynamics in play along the way, I must write it out--get it all out there, then sort through and piece things together like a puzzle.

And when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all. 

I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.

We're fast approaching a slightly different perspective in maintenance mode. Like I've written before, it'll not be too different from this turn around. I can't wait to explore more!

There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.

My Tweets Today:




































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 4 comments:

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

June 17th, 2015 Sometimes Necessary

June 17th, 2015 Sometimes Necessary

I ran out of time this evening. I must drop in bed. 

It's very hard for me to not write each night. Sometimes necessary, though.

The dinner tweets--very proud of this meal. It was incredibly delicious and likely had a slightly lower count than I logged. If I'm ever in doubt, I over-estimate. I'd rather count too much than too little! Those potatoes: Salt and pepper and unsweetened cashew milk--skins and all, That's it---and mash like a mad man...additional salt and pepper to taste.

Letting the Tweets report the day:

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 2 comments:

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

June 16th, 2015 Yes, Times A Thousand

June 16th, 2015 Yes, Times A Thousand

I'll often write a post and then, after it's settled in my brain, I think of something I really wanted to add. Often this thought comes as I'm drifting off to dreamland. If I acted on it every time, I'd never sleep. So I let it be, knowing another post will be written within 24 hours and I'll have an opportunity to express myself again.

In working toward answering the "what ifs" in yesterday's post, it's important to note that it isn't enough to untangle and understand their origin, then apply the actions needed to get the answer. It's something that takes an ongoing practice, a daily meditation of belief that remains strong, only because we keep it watered.

Also, unlike several years ago, I don't proclaim "I got" anything, other than today. And today I have the opportunity to hold the elements of my recovery sacred once again. Today I have the opportunity to apply an imperative importance level of the highest order to my abstinence from sugar and overall "food sobriety" (no refined sugar-no binges-maintain the integrity of my plan). If I take each day and make these things non-negotiable, then I have the best chance at continued successful recovery heading into maintenance mode.

If ever I decide to not do these things, I will, at first gradually--then quickly, return from where I came. That's a pretty scary thought. But for me and my normal, it isn't a maybe, it's a fact.

If this level of reverence is required for my long term success, it's up to me to design and shape my plan into something I can truly enjoy the rest of my life. This isn't a temporary means to an end. It's for life.

If I'm ever compelled to "take a break and relax my fundamental elements," then I need to take a close look at what I'm doing and figure out why I feel the need to break away from it. If I'm customizing my trek forward with elements I truly enjoy, what's not to love? And why would I want to depart from these things I enjoy, considering the peace, calm and overall stability they provide?

I'm no longer resentful about needing to have this plan in the first place. The jealousy I once harbored for those who live at their healthiest weight without any major issues with food and weight gain, binge eating, stress and emotional eating--is a thing of the past. Their normal isn't mine.

And I have two choices: Spend my life trying to be someone else's normal. Or spend my life embracing mine and enjoying the freedom this choice provides. Does my normal require extra effort on my part in order to maintain a healthy body weight and all the benefits that go along with it? Yes, it most certainly does. Am I worth it? Yes, times a thousand.

 _______________________________

I had a great day today. I took extra care in preparing and enjoying my food. And it was a very active day in support, exchanging many different support interactions with others--and that's always helpful to me.

My Tuesday night weight loss support group conference call with Life Coach Gerri was wonderful, too.

I enjoyed dinner after the conference call. My plan/goal to get my workout complete before the call didn't happen thanks to a gloriously wonderful nap. I made the decision to not rush across town after dinner, to the Y for my workout. I opted instead for a good walk close to my apartment. It was beautiful out tonight and the walk was very nice.

I'll do my best to have another great day tomorrow.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 14 comments:

Monday, June 15, 2015

June 15th, 2015 Internal Revolution

June 15th, 2015 Internal Revolution

Every now and again, I'll search the archives and find things that make me roll my eyes as I read from a third person perspective--Wow, he has so much to learn and it's all ahead of him. Or... Oh my, he shouldn't be so cocky confident...uhg...Some of it is very hard to read because I know what happens. 

I recently took a trip into the archives and found a really old post all about how "I'm never going back." Really? Wanna bet? You get really good at going back full speed in a couple years. Might want to get humble pretty quick, Mr. "I got this."

And sometimes I'll look through the archives of this daily diary and find something that made an especially profound impact on me. How long the impact lasts depends on how deeply it resonated. Sometimes it's a momentary effect. Other times, I can't shake it--wouldn't want to if I could and it's those times when I'm affected to the point of profound changes. 

I picked a random day--landed on May 5th, 2014, thirteen and a half months ago, and found what certainly helped lay the foundation for my epiphany day ten days later on May 15th, 2014.

The following exploration into the "what ifs" means something special to me. It does, because I've asked each and every one of these questions and done my best at discovering the answers over the last thirteen and a half months since writing it.

Some of them are still developing, some of them are fully embraced--and I've added several more "what ifs" I'd like to answer, and I will in time.

A late night like this calls for a DDWL flashback:

What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? 

 What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined?  What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am?  

 What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters?  What would happen if I set myself free?  What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? 

 You want to talk about a transformation?  That would be a transformation!  

 And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if?  

 I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? 

 Anything is possible.

 These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours.  I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.

 And now, a year and forty-five days later, those thoughts--and more importantly the answers to those questions, fuel me--empower me--compel me in the most positive ways.

An internal revolution, indeed.

The Tweets tell the tale of June 15th...

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at No comments:

Sunday, June 14, 2015

June 14th, 2015 I Took It Easy

June 14th, 2015 I Took It Easy

I didn't write about it last night, but I was proud of myself for the level of planning, preparation and execution of my food plan yesterday (Saturday). I took extraordinary care and that feels really good. I packed my lunch and I made a point to prepare and enjoy dinner before my 6pm evening broadcast. For me, someone who doesn't shy away from eating dinner at 10pm if that's what the schedule demands, it was exceptional.

After several crazy schedule kind of days, I took it easy today. I slept in until I naturally woke, without the aid of an alarm. It felt amazing. My approach was simple from that point on. I enjoyed coffee, spent time preparing a fabulous brunch (check out the tweet below--I love cooking!!) and made it to the YMCA for a fantastic workout this afternoon before making the trip to my hometown to dine out with mom.
photo with20mom20june2014_zpsus4zrdgs.jpg
I'm excited for mom's progress. She's walking regularly and losing weight. I'm overjoyed for her! You can see the difference, too! I let her know what a difference I was noticing and she lit up. She feels great about it too. So glad!

Instead of our usual Mexican place for the same thing, we did something different. We dined at one of my old hangouts, The Hideaway Pizza. The trips of old to this place, for me, were very different than today's trip.

There was a time when I couldn't get enough of Hideaway. I'd eat and eat, perhaps an entire bowl of fried mushrooms and several (more than 3 or 4) big, heavy slices of pizza and every time, I'd leave feeling stuffed and miserable. I don't do that now. And the most amazing thing: It was still a very enjoyable dining experience without all the excessive indulgence!

I've done the research on Hideaway. I've consulted with management and received a fairly accurate guesstimate on the fried mushroom calories (30 per mushroom) and it was last fall when I confirmed the sugar free status of their sauce.  Mom and I shared a small gluten free thin crust (ordering gluten free is the only thin crust option) veggie pizza. Three fairly small pieces check in at roughly 470 calories (the amount of cheese being the biggest contributor to the number). Again--worth it. This evening's trip marks the third time I've enjoyed this particular meal in the last 14 months. I'll have it again some day. It was enjoyable and mostly, I think mom appreciated the change of venue for our dinner out.  

I'm looking forward to the week ahead. Life Coach Gerri and I kick off our first Monday evening conference call support group tomorrow evening at 6pm central. We still have spots in the Monday group available. We decided to offer a Monday night option when our regular Tuesday night conference filled quickly. If you have questions about the Monday night accountability/support group, send me an email: transformation.road@gmail.com The registration fee is $100 for the 10 week session. For an average of $10 per week, you get a level of support that can make a profound difference. The call each week, the secret facebook page for call members only and spot support via text message and email, anytime--make this one of the best values in comprehensive support and accountability tools.

Here's what some of our members have to say:

"I have found support a valuable tool in my weight loss journey. There is no better support team than Sean & Gerri." B.J.--Kansas

"The extra layer of accountability and support has made weight loss easier. Knowing that others are sharing this journey lightens the load!" G.G.--North Carolina

"The support is excellent. It's amazing to be in a group where everyone understands each other - and we are all on the same journey. Sean and Gerri are fantastic leaders who practice what they teach." S.S. --Washington

I hope your weekend was wonderful. Goodnight, my friends!

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 11 comments:

Saturday, June 13, 2015

June 13th, 2015 It Wasn't Possible

June 13th, 2015 It Wasn't Possible

photo chair_zpswdwjati3.jpg
At over 500 pounds--these chairs, oh my goodness. Sitting wasn't an option with the narrow fixed arms. It wasn't possible. Years ago, I remember walking into a doctors office waiting room and finding it full of these chairs. I also remember standing the whole time I waited. These chairs are designed in such a way, even if you're forty to sixty pounds overweight, it might be a squeeze. Almost 300 pounds overweight? Not happening.
photo Chair and me_zpsnpuodxh9.jpg
I would have never imagined ever fitting into one of these chairs. I couldn't resist the opportunity today. And with legs crossed! I had room. That was cool.

I'm having my picture taken a little more often these days in hopes of my brain dialing into reality, instead of being convinced I'm bigger.

After a super long day, I'm letting the Tweets handle it the rest of the way.

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 11 comments:

Friday, June 12, 2015

June 12th, 2015 Never A Lock

June 12th, 2015 Never A Lock

All three of my meals today were prepared at work. It was a combination of a regular workday, an evening location broadcast and late in-studio weather coverage. I did manage to squeeze in an afternoon nap, so that was good.

I really like how I feel these days. It's a different feeling from when I was here before, at this weight; physicality. I feel somewhat leaner than before. Perhaps the abstinence from sugar and the increased workouts have helped make the positive changes I've noticed. The biggest difference is, I'm not scared--or better put, I'm not at a loss for what's next.

I recently received an email from a faithful reader asking "why do you continue trying to lose weight?" I get it--and I appreciate it, thank you. I'll take it as a compliment! I'm close to instituting maintenance mode. I'm close, but not quite ready just yet.

I wear my clothes well. I've always had this ability to be conscious of how to wear my clothing in the best way possible. My height also plays a role in concealing. When I weighed 505 pounds, people would often guess around 400, so naturally as I've lost weight--I still carry more weight than what appears. In other words--looking at the standing profile shot in the grocery store from a week ago, you might guess my weight to be well below 233. Nope! Well, maybe-- I don't know, weigh day is still a week and a half away!

Within the next 5 to 10 pounds, I'll be transitioning into maintenance mode. The differences between what I'm doing now and what I'll be doing then, are very small. The fundamental elements of my recovery will not waiver. The daily writing of this blog, the accountability tweets, the tracking and logging in MyFitnessPal, the active participation in support circles--it all stays the same. It must if I expect to continue living well.

The difference? Maybe I'll add some calories to the budget--some good calorie-dense snacks and get into some different workouts and more intentional weight training routines. And running. I'm seriously considering giving it an honest try. I've never really tried to run, at least not in the right way.

And really, I'm not sure what will happen when these changes are instituted. I could possibly continue to lose or, with increased weight training, gain. And that's okay. Whatever my body wants--as long as I'm holding sacred my elements of recovery, I'm cool as a cucumber.

Certainty is one of the basic human needs. I feel certainty in my plan moving forward. It doesn't mean I'm "fixed" or "immune" from relapse---I'll never be those things. But I am certain I can continue holding sacred the elements of my recovery as long as I stay connected and open. No matter how long I do this, it's never a "lock." I'm a student of the process forever more. And proud to be showing up for class each and every day.

Tomorrow is insanely busy with three different location broadcasts. The first six hours include two and will require me to plan, prepare and pack a good lunch. It's the Three P's! I roasted a turkey breast the other day and I've yet to carve it--so I'll do that, pack a few other things and be well.

My activity today, like yesterday, was my exercise. Same plan tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a great Y workout on Sunday.

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 13 comments:

Thursday, June 11, 2015

June 11th, 2015 The Perspective We Choose

June 11th, 2015 The Perspective We Choose

I experienced zero traces of the emotional/stress/food imbalance I dealt with yesterday. I woke feeling very well and empowered to have an exceptional day. I am blessed and very grateful.

Today was quite busy, and tomorrow and especially Saturday are set up to be just as active. I've relieved myself from the personal expectation of getting into the YMCA. I've accepted that my next workout at that awesome place will happen on Sunday.

 Making this decision now, as opposed to setting up the expectation to somehow fit it in--then falling short of my self-imposed expectation and feeling horrible about it, I give myself permission to be okay.

I burned almost 400 calories today according to my FitBit activity calorie adjustment. That's almost as much as I burn with a good elliptical workout, so really--I'm completely happy with changing my exercise expectation over the next few days. It's truly all about the perspective we choose, isn't it?

I started early this morning on my radio show--then ended late this evening after my location broadcast from the big rodeo. It's the same schedule tomorrow. Saturday is full of location broadcasts from 9am until 8pm, with a couple hour break in between. It's truly one of the busy weeks for my job.

No complaints. It's fun and interesting, always. And yes, stressful sometimes. But again, fun-and I really enjoy what I do! Besides, I get to meet new people all the time--like Celebrity Chef Brian Duffy from TV's Bar Rescue.
photo With20Mike20and20Chef20Brian20Duffy_zpsrhaqzetj.jpg
Pictured left to right: Mike Beezley-Seven Clans First Council Casino, Me and Chef Brian Duffy.

Chef Duffy was in the area for some consulting work, so Mike brought him by the show for a fun visit. We discussed several things, had a bunch of laughs--and then I asked him to evaluate the culinary specs of my breakfast. His conclusion: "This looks like the kind of breakfast I would eat." I'll take that as a positive review! He went on to share how he's lost almost 25 pounds recently and is continuing his efforts toward a healthier weight. We ended up having a nice, albeit quick conversation off-air about his weight loss efforts and what I do. His jaw dropped to the floor when I revealed how I was a former 500 pound man.

Those kind of reactions never get old to me...ever.

 My food was wonderful today. I took extra special care and attention in planning and preparing. It's fun and actually relaxing for me to envision something new and then make it happen in the kitchen.

A good friend of mine processes deer for hunters. He generously gifted me a bunch of venison, including the filet mignon of deer meat. I have some of the best friends! The calories are not bad at all and it provides some added variety to my usual list of enjoyable foods.

The wild caught orange roughy filet tonight, was a rare treat. I hardly ever buy it at $5 per serving, but after I did the math I realized something interesting. My entire plate cost about $6.40, give or take a quarter. Then I compared that cost to the cost of my old drive through super-sized combo meals. I'm spending less to eat better. Again, it's all about the perspective we choose, isn't it? 

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 4 comments:
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