Sunday, January 25, 2015

January 25th, 2015 On The Inside

January 25th, 2015 On The Inside

This entire journey is full of wonderment and new discoveries along the way. There's the purely physical discoveries, like the time I alarmingly asked my doctor about the large, hard "growth" in the center of my chest, only to be introduced to my sternum. Or the first time I marveled at feeling my rib cage, or laying on my side and seeing my hip bone for the first time in decades...I just laid there and felt it in total astonishment. Those are fun, indeed.

Some of the most revealing and important discoveries have little to do with the physical and everything to do with the mental/emotional aspects of it all. Like getting all the way to a predetermined number, but still feeling the same inside despite the compliments and how many bones you can see and feel. This is where it gets challenging.

Sticking to a plan, remaining consistent and getting results is a challenge, but nothing like the challenge of changing a lifetime perception of oneself. The mind doesn't gradually change along with the numbers on the scale. Often times, we'll look for increased validation from others, in hopes we'll be convinced of our worthiness of love and acceptance. The problem with this strategy is, even when we're receiving genuine adoration, compliments, praise and validation, none of it counts if we have a voice inside negating every word. We can't pretend to believe something we don't. We can try, but it's a thinly layered facade at best and it doesn't take long for our most genuine feelings about ourselves--the ones with all of the emotional anchors--to override our systems, and set us back to where we started. It's interesting because, often times we're searching for something from others, that we haven't taken the time to recognize and give, unconditionally, to ourselves.

As we proceed to take extraordinary care, we quickly realize the importance of self-honesty with our food and exercise choices. Leveling the same brand of self-honesty to the emotional side of things can be a difficult bridge to cross, but one worth crossing. And even after we cross that bridge, we're still capable of retreating back across if we don't make this inner exploration critically important.

If our list of weight loss goals and expectations include finally feeling good about ourselves, then that, in my opinion is a good place to stop and evaluate the mental/emotional aspects of this journey we're on.

You're good, right now. All of the critical judgments you're making completely miss the point of who you are and what you're all about. We've heard the expression, "it's what's on the inside that counts," and still, we're often too preoccupied with the outside to fully grasp the meaning.

I'm not saying the physical changes aren't important. I'm simply saying it's important to embrace this: The wonderful elements inside us do not improve when the scale goes down and they don't decline when the scale goes up. The physical side of this journey provides better health and increased mobility. The mental/emotional side can provide the most dramatic transformation of all. Because if we exercise this area of personal introspective study, we're in effect, fortifying our position and giving ourselves the greatest chance at success beyond whatever predetermined number or outward sign of success we're after.

I've experienced all of this first hand. I'm a student along this road and I'm always learning. I didn't expect this journey to become such a deep kind of thing. If you've read the archives of this blog from Day 1, you can tell--I didn't know where I was headed beyond the smaller numbers, smaller body and smaller clothes. Discovering, then dealing with the elements beyond the superficial isn't easy sometimes, or ever. But it's worth the effort. We're worth it. I'm worth it. You're worth it.

If we give ourselves this loving attention first and foremost, the ride will be much smoother down the road.

If you're disgusted with yourself, it's time to forgive. If you're ashamed of your regain, it's time to forgive. If you constantly beat yourself up for perceived failings along the way, it's time to stop. It's time to forgive. It's time to get real. It's time to embrace, you. You deserve this level of love and care. Stop denying yourself. We're all human. And as humans with human emotions, we crave love, acceptance, connections and certainty. Finding these things within, giving them to ourselves first--changes everything and allows us to recognize it from others down the road, a little easier.

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I rested well today. Oh wow-- slept in, then took a nice nap mid-afternoon. I was all about rest today. I had other things to accomplish, too. I was determined to get a workout in at the Y, do some light grocery shopping and prepare all three meals at home. I accomplished these things. I'm happy.

I'm headed to bed. I feel ready for a fantastic week ahead.  I feel mental and emotional growth. I feel balanced, hopeful, grateful and full of peace. Goodnight, my friend.

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, January 24, 2015

January 24th, 2015 Perhaps I Did Score Well

January 24th, 2015 Perhaps I Did Score Well

My time management skills were tested today. I did not score well! But I made the best of it, modified my plan and feel good about the outcome. On second thought, perhaps I did score well.

I had an early morning airport trip, driving a friend and colleague with a pickup time before 7am. I didn't get in bed and asleep until nearly 1:30am. Getting up a little after 5am, 20 minutes ahead of my alarm, wasn't enough sleep. I couldn't go back to bed upon my return because I had a location broadcast at noon. My plan was to come directly home after the broadcast, eat something, then take a relatively short nap, getting up in time to make the YMCA by 5:15pm. This would give me enough time for a good cardio workout on the elliptical before they closed at 6pm.

I overslept my alarm. It was 6:50pm before I opened my eyes. My alarm had blared for an hour before it automatically shut itself off. I was obviously in need of rest.

This is where I had to shift plans quickly. I had a play to attend at 8pm, dinner and a workout still ahead of me.

I called a restaurant to see what time they closed--and it was too early. They would be closed by the time the play concluded. I decided to order the grilled chicken and zucchini for pick-up on my way to the Ponca Playhouse. I would leave it in the car and reheat when I arrived home later. The workout?

I decided on a 5K at the park, late. This would be one of those workouts where I care more about the mental benefits of getting it done, than the physical benefits.

The play was Marc Camoletti's "Don't Dress For Dinner," directed by my friend Chris Williams. It was the play I wrote about wanting to audition for a couple of months ago, but decided against that notion. It was fun, hilarious really--and it would have been a blast to be in the cast, but I couldn't commit the time it takes to prepare. Besides, Chris had a wonderful pool of talent and each of them made the production great.

I came home from the play, prepared my grilled chicken salad--yes, I said the "S word," finished eating and then prepared for my late night 5K at the trail.

I don't like going out there this late, but I needed it. It was 52 degrees, so that wasn't bad at all. I arrived and had the entire park to myself. The police on patrol scared the living daylights out of me with their side-car spotlight (don't get me wrong, I appreciate their watchful eye and protection). Other than that, the only other thing making it a challenge was the threat of rain.

As soon as I started, it started sprinkling. I was preparing myself for a downpour, but it never came. Just sprinkles. As I started lap 3 of 4, I noticed a couple of cars pulling into the park. I get weird when I'm at the trail this late. Everyone is suspect and my imagination is very creative with reasons why they're visiting the park this late. It was obvious they were not there to workout. Maybe make out, but not workout.

It was a little after midnight when I decided I didn't like the uneasiness I felt out there. And really, it was likely just fine--but again, imagination gets the best of me. I decided to end the 5K early at 2.7 miles. When I do a 5K there, it's actually 3.4 miles, not 3.1...four laps is 3.4, so 2.7 miles was close enough for me. And ultimately, it served its purpose of mentally satisfying my need to do something to salvage a strange/messed up schedule.

It would have been very easy to chalk this day up as a loss and do better tomorrow. But after my recharging nap, I really didn't have a good reason why I couldn't get done what I wanted. I'll sleep in tomorrow morning.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, January 23, 2015

January 23rd, 2015 All Cylinders

January 23rd, 2015 All Cylinders

I hit on all cylinders today. I wasn't messing around. I made sure I hit my water goal (exceeded by 4 cups) and I did my upper body weight training followed by cardio on the elliptical.

I've decided to suspend the lower body weight training until a later time. My lower body strength is fine. My upper body is what needs the work. I believe my yoga practice will suffice in the lower body area, not to mention how easy it would be for me to do squats in the comfort of my apartment.

I noticed an increase in upper body strength today. I even added some weight on a few of the machines. I don't know if this is normal or not, I have nothing to reference. It certainly felt like progress, so that's what we'll call it: Progress!

I enjoyed a nice meal out before heading to the John Conlee, Moe Bandy and Joe Stampley concert at one of our area casinos. Getting free concert tickets is a wonderful perk of the radio business!
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This is John Conlee performing his 1978 #1 hit "Rose Colored Glasses." His voice still sounds the same as it did 36 years ago. The guy can flat out sing!

I just enjoyed an apple and a pear for my #lastfoodofday. It's almost 1am and the alarm is set for 5:30am. I've got to be up early because I'm driving a friend to the airport in Oklahoma City for an early flight. Looking forward to writing more over the weekend, reading more too and catching up on some rest at some point along the way!

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Thursday, January 22, 2015

January 22nd, 2015 It Balances

January 22nd, 2015 It Balances

One of the most important things we can do along this road is practice self-compassion. It's tricky, because there's a line where self-compassion gets tangled with excuses and letting ourselves off the hook because it's convenient or easy. It's regulated with self-honesty. And, that's a tough one in itself sometimes.

I accomplished quite a lot today. It was a decent workday. I took the opportunity to visit with mom tonight, too. She's been sick recently and feeling down, so I surprised her with a visit, cooked her dinner and we enjoyed a good conversation. The plan was to leave early enough to get into the Y for my workout tonight. And I did. Except...

Despite grabbing a small sugar-free/skinny--oops, make that "tall" sugar free/skinny cinnamon dolce latte for the drive back home, I was having trouble staying alert. I'm tired.

This is where the self-compassion comes into play. I wasn't planning on making this a rest day. But honestly, it's okay. I've been doing wonderful in the exercise department of late. Instead of feeling bad about not working out tonight, I must turn it around and feel proud I'm getting to bed early for some more rest. Oh--and then the water issue...

Yeah, that--I was kind of hoping to just skip over this one. For some reason--probably because I recently proclaimed I was getting into a groove with the water, I've struggled to get enough today. I'm drinking cups five and six as I write this post. I'll hit six and be fine.

There will always be days like this and days like I've had recently where I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders. It balances.

My Tweets Today:





















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

January 21st, 2015 It Compliments

January 21st, 2015 It Compliments

I experienced my third yoga class today. I'm truly loving it; everything about it. It's exactly the kind of compliment I needed in addition to what I'm already doing in other areas with cardio and weights.

I spent a good amount of time tonight replying to a few emails and comments from yesterday's post. Thank you for your wonderful support, I sincerely appreciate every word.

It's been a long and wonderful day and evening. I'm wrapping up this post early in favor of dropping in bed. I look forward to writing more tomorrow evening.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

January 20th, 2015 Absolutely The Least Of It

January 20th, 2015 Absolutely The Least Of It

Today was busy! But it was good. Despite the schedule, I took a short afternoon nap between work and workout. I keep telling myself it would be better to go workout directly after work, then, if I still feel I need a nap, have at it. But anyway, I did what I felt I needed to do today. And it all worked out.

It did cut my time short earlier this evening at the Y, because I had the support group at 7pm. I only did cardio early, then finished the conference call, had dinner, then returned to the Y for weights.

I must be consistent with the weights if I expect to get results. This consistency thing, aside from previously mentioned hangups, is one of the necessary elements I allowed to keep me from starting. Because I know, once started, I must remain consistent for it to help me. I have a tendency to fly by the seat of my pants occasionally and that's not really a friend to consistency. It's important to me, though. And we take time for what's important.

The water accountability is going very well. I'm actually getting in the groove. I'm not resisting too much, which is an improvement. I thought about stopping the water tweets the other day, but then I had to get real with myself. Why? After much consideration, I determined it would simply be a way to decrease accountability and ultimately drink less water. I need water. My body needs water. We all need water. But maybe it's cluttering my twitter feed? Really?? Who cares???? If someone doesn't like it, it's super easy to unfollow! People come and go all the time. I'm not sure what brings some of them, but I imagine if they're unaware of what I do, they're probably like--wow, this guy is obsessed with everything he puts in his body!! If I see one more bean and cheese tostada, I'm out. Okay-that's it, today's lunch did it...unfollow!!! 

I try to always remember the purpose of the twitter feed and this blog. It's accountability, it's structure--these are vital elements of my successful recovery. And I know it helps others, too--those that understand what I'm doing, but as I've said many times before, its main purpose is helping me maintain a successful trajectory along this sometimes winding road. If it helps, encourages and inspires anyone else, it's a bonus. I hope it does. I've been told it does. That makes me feel good.

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I've been a little fascinated with before pictures lately. I'm not sure why. I started looking through the archives of my photobucket account and it started something, I guess. It helps me stay encouraged. It also provides some kind of psychological untangling I can't really explain as well as I'd like. All I know is, it seems to help with the inner-self-image stuff.

I look at the guy in the above photo and I realize he's the same man typing these words right now. He has the same heart, the same mind, the same talents, the same likes and dislikes too. He's in for a big mental/emotional/spiritual transformation--and he doesn't know it in this photo-all he knew at this point was he was determined to change physically in a dramatic way.

I had no idea how many spectacular facets made up a journey like this. The physical transformation is truly the least powerful. It's sometimes the most fun, but absolutely the least of it. 

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Monday, January 19, 2015

January 19th, 2015 Namaste (nuhm-uh-stey)

January 19th, 2015 Namaste (nuhm-uh-stey)

Every once in a while, I hear it: "Congratulations, you look great. You're so strong," or a similar quote. I accepted a version of this today from someone who I ran into at the grocery store, whom I hadn't seen in years. I don't think they're remotely aware of the relapse and regain period of this journey. I gracefully accepted the compliment with a "thank you, very much! I feel great too!"

Accepting a compliment and saying thank you instead of first listing off all of the reasons you believe their perception is inaccurate--is tough to do. It's important to embrace, though. I've found the urge to discount or immediately deny compliments has faded, but I still feel a little twinge in that direction. Old habits die hard.

Are we not worthy? It's not that, really. Yes, we are worthy. But I tend to examine things a little deeper, especially this notion that I'm super strong along this road.

Let me explain, please.

And keep in mind, I'm not discounting my success and where I am or what I'm doing. I'm simply offering perspective to this compliment I seem to attract every now and again.

If you took away this blog, the accountability Twitter feed, the calorie budget, added a dash of sugar or seven dashes (or, hey--just give me the bag of sugar, already), took away the social media support system I've built, took away the weekly support group I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri, and I was completely on my own...well, I assure you, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog post. I'd likely still be over 500 pounds, waking up every day hoping and praying it's not my last. 

Am I strong? Or have I just learned and put into practice the power of structure? Without the support structure of my fundamental elements, I'm not strong at all. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know exactly what happened when I abandoned most of the above mentioned elements: I gained back 164 pounds. I suppose I don't do anything small.

The message here is to build your system. Find what works for you. Lean on the elements you need to keep you motivated and focused toward what is good and right. Never underestimate the power of support from others. When we try to do this alone is precisely the moment it gets super hard. Perhaps I'm strong at building my support structure. But on my own, I'm not strong at all. I'm affected, I'm complicated and most of all, I'm human.

But if I see you out and about and you offer me a compliment like the one described above, I'll not disagree with you. I'll gracefully accept your compliment. And if you're searching for the same strength, I'll encourage you, too. Because it's in you, I know it is.
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I attended my second yoga class today at OM Yoga Studio. I'm really attracted to the peace, calm and spiritual experience of it all. The first thing I do is set my phone to silent and place it in one of my shoes. I make my way into the yoga room where the lights are dim, the music is soft and perfectly "yoga-like," and the atmosphere is inviting and comfortable. I love that the breathing is intentionally connected to the movements and as difficult as some of it is, I'm able to relax--let go of my ego, let go of my insecurities and just let it be. And if I ever have any question about the effectiveness of the workout, all I have to do is wait until the next morning. It's a good kind of soreness.
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I enjoyed cooking dinner tonight (see dinner tweet-pic below). After eating dinner at restaurants Friday through Sunday, it was time for a good home cooked meal. I used only 1/2 a tablespoon of olive oil in a non-stick pan to cook the chopped sweet potatoes, yellow squash, zucchini squash and onions. I set the heat on low and practiced patience while the fish baked in the oven, wrapped in foil. It was tremendously satisfying!

I truly believe one of the biggest components to our individual happiness is identifying and nurturing our core passions. These core passions are not dependent on our size. I was broadcasting and public speaking long before I ever starting losing weight. The happiness to be found in my core passions was often overlooked in favor of focusing on my weight and appearance as a "worthiness indicator" for my happiness. Declaring our God-given natural worthiness for happiness and discovering it isn't found anywhere but inside us, is a critically important realization along this road. That's where it was placed, completely unaware of any outside influence.

We're not worthy of more because we lose weight and we're not worthy of less because we gain. We are always worthy. And if our perspective and focus embraces this truth, we can experience a new level of freedom beyond anything we previously imagined.
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Two Passions: Broadcasting and Public Speaking. The rare full body 500 pounds-plus 'before' photo features me with three colleagues (Chris Johnson, Ryan Diamond and Steve Daniels). We were broadcasting live from Guthrie at Oklahoma's Statehood Centennial Parade in 2007. The below 'after' photo was a speaking event/book signing in Rogers, Arkansas--late spring 2012.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Sunday, January 18, 2015

January 18th, 2015 Parallel To One Another

January 18th, 2015 Parallel To One Another

Taking time to take care is a running theme around these pages. It can be a challenge if you're not the best time manager. And I'm not. But I do what I can today with an eye on how I can make today better. Maybe what I can do isn't all I can do after all! 

I'm certainly branching out lately, with my weight training start and yoga schedule. And with each of these things I'm widening my definition of 'what I can do.' I'm doing it while keeping the fundamental elements running consistently.

I'm feeling well. I made a point to reach out to loved ones today. This included making a trip after my workout to visit and have dinner with my mom.

Staying connected requires life in the foreground, fundamentals of my continued recovery in the background. Those two streams of being shouldn't intersect or switch places. If they do, that's when some serious struggle can quickly become a thing. Keeping those streams running parallel to one another, in harmony, has been and continues to be key for me during this entire turnaround.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, January 17, 2015

January 17th, 2015 I Just Enjoyed It

January 17th, 2015 I Just Enjoyed It

Sitting down in my seat at the concert and fitting in a perfectly normal way and not crowding the person next to me, was one of those silent acknowledgements that just make you smile inside. I didn't verbalize it, didn't say a word. I just enjoyed it. Really, that was the least of the memorable moments of this day and night.

The wonderful evening out with Amber was preceded by an early trip to the Y for a good cardio workout. I prepared a good breakfast before and enjoyed an unusual lunch after, before departing on this trip she and I was looking forward to experiencing.

When we're traveling somewhere, we're talking constantly. And we had plenty to discuss. Wedding plans and her teaching job were topics we needed to catch up on. And of course, we always have plenty of laughs. One of the most beautiful things I share with both of my daughters is our sense of humor. We love to laugh. And this sense of humor is similar among the three of us, so whenever we're all together, or like tonight, just two of us, it quickly turns hilarious no matter what we're doing or where we're going. When I want to write new stand-up material, the best thing for me to do is hang out with my daughters.

We decided to dine at Chipotle Mexican Grill before the big Garth Brooks concert. Amber and I share a mutual love for this place. It was fast, delicious and easy to count, calorie wise. Originally, I thought we might dine a little closer to the venue, but friends who made this concert trip before us (Garth did 7 sold out shows, tonight being the last) advised of hour and a half wait times to be seated. Chipotle worked beautifully.

My strategy at Chipotle was fairly simple: Crispy chicken tacos, easy on the sour cream, topped with lettuce--no cheese, a 3.5 oz guacamole (Chipotle guac is a must. It's the only guac I enjoy more than my own!) and an order of kids size chips. I've ordered the kids taco kit (2 tacos) on previous trips. This time I simply ordered tacos. It came with three. But as I added the calories in MyFitnessPal, I quickly realized the meal would top 700 calories with all three. I took one away and it turned out to be plenty and a more reasonable 553 calories. I was satisfied and ready to enjoy the concert.

We arrived at the concert right on time, found our seats and took a selfie, of course!
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The concert was incredible. Garth still has it and then some. His wife, Trisha Yearwood, was amazing too. When I watch Garth perform, I can't forget the first time I watched him perform live. Garth attended college in my hometown. He honed his skills at Willie's Saloon on Stillwater's strip, just off the campus of Oklahoma State University. Anyway, it was the mid 80's, five years before his career took off and he was the musical entertainment at the big Stillwater fireworks display on the 4th of July. It was just him and his guitar. The crowd of several thousand weren't really paying too much attention to him. We wanted fireworks, not some unknown guy with a guitar. What I didn't give too much thought to at the time, but did later--and will never forget, is my mom enjoying his performance and proclaiming aloud: "He's going to be big someday." Yep. Mom called it long before any of us could possibly imagine just how big he would eventually become.

The ride home with Amber was just as engaging as the trip to Tulsa. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation and the wonderful father/daughter date we shared. It was special. I can't believe I'll be walking her down the aisle in just a few months. Time flies, huh? 

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, January 16, 2015

January 16th, 2015 Protect The Cubs

January 16th, 2015 Protect The Cubs

Taking a rest day yesterday without feeling guilty about it, was refreshing. It's not always the easiest perspective to adopt. But I adopted it all the way. I really think it helped give me a wonderful boost today. I felt super motivated to do exceptionally well today.

I experienced some stress today and instead of ignoring it, I met it head on and handled it. This is a learned thing for me. It's not my natural way, I promise. The perspective I try my best to embrace is one of a mama bear protecting her cubs. The elements of my recovery and success, are my cubs. If something stands a chance at threatening my cubs, then I must face it down, handling the situation before it handles me. Again, a learned thing.

One of the major benefits of losing 275 pounds then gaining back over half, and now losing most of the regain weight to date, are the numerous lessons and experiences along the way. It's enriched my trek in some fairly powerful ways. I'm very grateful! Maintaining balance with my food and exercise despite stressful and emotional things is imperative, because life happens. Stress and emotions come into play occasionally. What is the wise saying? It isn't what happens to you, it's how you react that matters most. It's a very important thing to remember. Those cubs, protect 'em!

It's not easy. It takes intentional effort.

My weight training today was short and sweet. I'm really pleased with my lower body strength. I was handling 200lbs on the leg press fairly easily. I might have been able to do a little more, actually. Clearly, my lower body is much stronger than my upper body. I don't think I can expect measured results just yet, I mean really, I just started, but-- I grabbed the 10 pound dumbbells for my hammer curls and they seemed perfect. Maybe the increased blood flow to certain muscles is waking them up after being dormant for so long. It's a theory.
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I dined out tonight at a little Italian place. I called ahead and confirmed they had gluten free pasta on hand. I'm not 100% gluten free, but I do make an effort to avoid it most of the time. When the server said "I'll be right back with some fresh bread," I quickly caught her before she got away and declined. My plan in this place is pasta with marinara. And since I had a good amount of calories remaining, I enjoyed a couple of meatballs. The plate arrived and it was at least twice what I needed. I was counting on a 3oz plate of pasta (1.5 servings), it was 6oz, easy. It took enormous self-control to not finish the plate. I'm experienced enough to know what 3oz of pasta looks and feels like and when I reached that point, I had to push the rest away. Still, it was tempting. Finally, the server took it away. "You want a to go box?" Uh, yes and no...I mean, no thank you! 

I often mention the weekly teleconference support group I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri every Tuesday evening. Openings come available with the start of every 10 week session and we're quickly approaching the start of another! If you're interested, send me an email: transformation.road@gmail.com I'll be happy to answer any questions you might have about this dynamic group!
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Tomorrow evening will be a fun experience. I have a date with my oldest daughter for dinner in Tulsa followed by the Garth Brooks concert! I'm excited! My challenge will be to get my workout in before we hit the road.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean





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