June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

Today was mine. All mine. I mentioned last night how I planned to sleep in and I did! I slept late until almost 11am! It was so good, so refreshing, solid sleep. I needed it and I took it! I had a rare Saturday off. No schedule, nowhere to be--just a day for me. It was nice, but one thing was missing: The structure of a schedule.

As confident as I am, as determined and spirited as I can be--still, the idea of having a day absent of structure in schedule was slightly worrisome. I'm up at 4:30am on a typical work day. I prepare breakfast and snacks, and depending on what I've kept in the fridge at work, I might pack something for lunch. I make sure I have everything I need food wise to get me through until late afternoon. The only variables remaining is a late afternoon snack, dinner and my #lastfoodofday. The structure of the schedule acts like gutter protectors used for little kids' bowling parties. 

On a day like today, the gutter protectors are pulled back and I must rely on my instincts to navigate the day as I create a schedule on the fly, without slipping into the gutter. I feel like I almost bowled a perfect game today without the gutter protectors. The only "complaint" I have is, often when I combine breakfast and lunch, I end up short on my calorie budget by the end of the day. I put quotations around the word complaint, because really--I have no real complaints. Things are going really well lately. I did end up with over 300 calories remaining for my #lastfoodofday, so I decided a sirloin and swiss melt dry-grilled (Foreman grill) sandwich on a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita with a side of cantaloupe would do just fine. And it was wonderful. Never mind that it was midnight. It's almost 1am as I write this post, so it's not like I consumed the 289 calories and immediately dropped in bed.

The accountability system I've put in place is working wonders for me. This system plays a big role in keeping me "surrounded" by wonderful supportive people like you! I never feel alone, even when it's just me and a kitchen full of food and all day to do nothing if I so choose.

Of course I took advantage of the extra time to get creative in the kitchen. I'm starting to get super passionate about cooking and experimenting with different foods and calorie values. My brunch today was one of those experiments.

Brunch! Crepe style eggs stuffed w/Swiss and a green chili cream sauce, with avocado, strwberrs, cantaloupe. 535 cal. pic.twitter.com/LNrqDhN202
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 21, 2014

When I'm super proud of something, I'll also post it to my facebook page. Karsten, who has lost an incredible amount of weight and is still losing, commented that for him, the count was too high for a single meal. So I offered some modifications: "...totally understand your concern! Since I was combining breakfast and lunch, I opted for a higher count on this. The great thing is, it could be modified easily... Using two egg whites instead of four would make each crepe style omelet thinner, but still good--using 1/2 serv of sour cream would allow the flavor of the green chili sauce to come through better, using only one slice of swiss, cut in half--instead of two full slices wouldn't have had much impact on flavor or texture either...1/2 the avocado is an easy cal cutting strategy and of course 1/2 the fruit too... If all of these suggestions were followed, this delicious brunch would have checked in at a very reasonable 313 calories. Delish!!"

The green chili cream sauce is simple--just mix 30g (40cal) of light sour cream with four tablespoons of green chili taco sauce. The flavor of the sauce, the melted swiss and the avocado made this meatless brunch out of this world good!

I spent a good amount of time reading and commenting on blogs, catching up on emails and I even exchanged some support texts with a friend. When I stay connected with my weight loss blogging friends, I get a real sense of community. We are strong!! By the way--if you have a weight loss blog and you're not sure if I have it on my blogroll or not, please leave a comment with the address to your blog. I'd love to check it out!

I'm excited to announce that a change in design is coming to this blog. You might say, "Sean--seriously, let it go--the person who called your blog ugly was being shallow and harsh. Stop taking it so personal." And I get that. Although the comment was the epitome of superficial and rather harsh, the anonymous poster did refer to the content as "interesting," before slamming the layout and design. I'll take that as a positive. Anyway, my point is--I heard from a bunch of people concerning this comment. Since I have an open mind and I'm willing to admit when good points are made, contrary to my own--I listen. And it benefits me in wonderful ways. I've always focused on content, not aesthetics. My attitude has always been: If the message is real and honest--helps me by getting it out and onto the page--and if it helps someone else, that's a bonus--but really, if it accomplishes all of that--then who cares what it looks like? 

Some good points were made. People whom I respect and admire said things like, "I look forward to reading each entry, but because of the layout and design, it is a little hard to read sometimes." Then I opened a wonderful email from a long time supporter and fellow blogger who just happens to be a very talented artist too and she showed me a wonderful mock up of a design. It was absolutely perfect. And she put some considerable thought into it. On the proposed design, she writes:

Colors & design: Down to earth, simple, clean and straightforward, like you.

Fonts: Casual handwriting at top, nothing pretentious; then American Typewriter for intro, like an old journal entry.

Pen: Old and well worn, used a lot for this journey.

Logo: CHOOSE CHANGE, forged steel look; iron-clad determination; forged in the fire of trials & triumphs.

I'm beside myself excited about the upcoming change! It'll take a little while, maybe a few weeks. When it's ready, you'll know it because this blog will look amazing and be much easier on the eyes; easier to read.

When it's done, I'll reveal the artist behind the design, reintroducing you to one of my favorite people in blogland! All of the content and features will remain the same, only the colors and design will change.

I enjoyed a wonderful workout at the YMCA this afternoon. I sometimes like to pick a day to skip the workout and usually it falls on the weekend--and today would have been a decent day to skip, but I was feeling so good, I wanted to feel even better and a good workout always gives me a boost. I'm glad I decided to go. Arriving at the facility an hour before closing time on a Saturday is perfect because it's like you have the entire place to yourself. I really cut loose on the lip syncing this afternoon. It was fun!

I received a text from a longtime friend this evening. He and his dad were in town for dinner and he wanted to know if I was available for a visit. I first met this friend when he was 12 or 13 years old and I was 19 or 20, maybe 21, I can't remember. His dad owned a radio station and I was applying for a job. Dave didn't like me at first, the new guy hired by his dad--but over the years, he softened and a relationship of mutual respect developed. I was there at his Eagle Scout ceremony and years later at his beautiful wedding. He's one of those people who naturally inspires you to be a better person, simply by being himself. Him and his dad both--great people. Oh, by the way-"the kid" Dave, is now an Emmy award winning television producer. I'm so very proud of him. I love these two guys. What a wonderful surprise to have them both a short drive away. We met at the studios downtown and had the most amazing visit. They both wanted to see Team Radio's state of the art studios built into an old historic (1927) vaudevillian theatre. We reminisced about the old days and laughed so much. It was an absolute pleasure. My only regret is, we didn't all mic up and record the conversation. It was that much fun. 

One of the things I recognized afterward, was the level of joy the visit brought me and how my current state of peace and calm certainly contributed to my ability to relax, be myself and enjoy the moments. In the middle of the darkness that surrounds extreme struggle, I wouldn't have been as receptive to the visit. I may not have even replied to the text message. It wouldn't have been anything personal toward them--it would have been me, waist deep in my own misery--isolating and not wanting to see anyone I didn't absolutely have to see. Isn't it interesting, the domino effect of feeling good about ourselves and who we are, what we're all about? It makes the things that bring us joy, even better. Everything is enhanced. It hasn't anything to do with the food and exercise, and everything to do with the identity/self-worth epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post.

My Sean Day was a good one. I finished the day just under budget. I flexed my creative side in the kitchen. I exercised. I reached out in support of others (this element helps me too, tremendously). And I paused long enough to express thanks and gratitude for where I am today, with a prayer that I remain firmly on track.

If you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My user name is SeanAAnderson. I use it to log all of my food and exercise--and it's updated with accurate weight loss statistics.  My food diary is set to public, so if you see a food picture I've tweeted and you're curious about the ingredients and precise amounts used, it's all there! The one thing I rarely do on MyFitnessPal is interact. I've allowed myself to not be overly worried about this--because I am very active on facebook, twitter and this blog--so social media wise, I feel like I'm doing the best and most I can at this time. 

If you're into food pictures and calorie counts, my Live-Tweet twitter feed of everything I eat might be right up your alley. It's certainly not for everybody! The purpose of it isn't to be an example or anything like that--if you're a regular reader, you know my food philosophy--we're all different... and what I like, you may not. I maintain the Twitter feed for my own benefit. This accountability tool has been a giant difference maker for me of late. It's inspired me to not only eat better, but to slow down and enjoy my food more.  If you're interested in the Twitter feed, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a Twitter account to view the page and tweet history, only to interact.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

The search that started and successfully ended last night, thanks to the power of Facebook actually started several months ago. I visit with my mom on a regular basis and when I'm with her I rarely talk about me. I want to know how she's doing, mentally and emotionally.  How she feels is important to me, not at all unlike the concern most of us have for a loved one, or several.  You see, being raised by her, loved, nurtured, protected and seeing her in the most honest light, I've come to believe she is one of the most loving people on this earth.  Proud son talking about his momma? Perhaps. But seriously...

Throughout the history of my entire life, I can count on one hand how many times I've heard her speak in a severely negative way about anyone. The only time I've ever witnessed her show any semblance of anger and rage was when I was challenging her to the extreme as a kid or when she was standing up for me. Her being the mother of a special needs son, I watched her patience spread thin with my little brother, but never breaking, always loving--always caring, always protective. I would do anything for her.

It was sometime last fall while we were having dinner and coffee at our favorite diner when mom asked me a favor. "What is it, mom?" I knew something was on her mind and she was hesitant to ask. I encouraged her and eventually she asked, "Will you find him for me?" (I've replaced his name with the pronoun in an effort to respect his privacy--after brazenly disrespecting it last night). I immediately asked "why?"

"I just want to see him one more time and say a few words," she said. "How would I find him?"  "You have a lot of friends on facebook, maybe they could help." 

I tried a few general searches using the information she gave me and came up empty every time. I was kind of hoping mom would forget this idea, but with every visit, his name would come up. "Mom, you realize he could be dead or happily married with a family. How would he react to this some 50 years later?"  At this point mom would usually drop the subject. But it became more and more clear to me that this was something very important to her. What if something happened to her and I didn't at least give it 100% effort? She's never asked me for much, so why not give it a try?

I posted about this on facebook last night in the best way I knew how. The response was overwhelming. Thank you if you were one who participated. After over 200 shares and numerous comments, it was clear this search had immediately turned into a massive group effort. Less than three hours later I was on the phone with an investigator in California who specializes in finding people, mainly for class reunions. I had all of the details I needed to make contact. He was alive and well. Since that conversation, four others have correctly ID'd the person of interest.

He answered the first number I called today. I spoke to him for one minute and thirty-six seconds. I was apologetic for bothering him, identified myself and my mother. I asked if he remembered the name and he confirmed he did remember. I then proceeded to tell him why I was calling. "The intention isn't to try to rekindle or revisit something from a half century ago. I just wanted to know if you would remotely consider a short visit, even if it's just an hour over lunch?" There was a slight pause and then, "No, no I would not." 

I immediately apologized for bothering him, told him I completely understood and then apologized again for the contact. And that was it.

Afterward I sat alone in my studio pondering this whole situation. And after some counsel from the very wise investigator known as "Sherlock" in California, I realized it was okay. Unleashing a social media storm in an effort to find him was certainly effective but it wasn't necessarily fair to him. Out of respect for him, his family and their privacy, we're going to leave this be once and for all.

I spoke with mom not long after and her first words were filled with gratitude for everyone who helped me fulfill this request of hers. She seemed upbeat and positive, despite the news. And we had a wonderful conversation about how and why this response was normal and okay. And a deeper conversation about the importance of focusing on the future instead of the past. Mom is a young 68. She's in relatively good health, considering--with a few treatable ailments. And God willing, she has a lot of life ahead of her. I love her dearly and I so badly wanted this to turn out differently. But honestly, it may have turned out the best possible way, anyhow. I plan on visiting mom this weekend and once again we'll discuss things important to us both. I feel good in knowing that this is one subject we can let rest...just let it be, let it go and be okay. And we can learn from it in wonderful ways.

--------------------------------------------
I planned and prepared my food today as always and that's good, because that was one less thing to think about today. We had a big party hosted by the broadcasting company I work for and the invite list including every member of the local chamber of commerce. This event is an annual thing. A few years ago, at goal, I donned a tuxedo at this event. Last year, I donned a noticeably larger tuxedo and this year, no tuxedo. I was just casually and wonderfully me.  Not once did I fret over seeing some of these people I hadn't for over a year. I confidently shook hands and smiled and made my way around the room talking to as many as I could. It's amazing what a shift in perspective can do.

If this event would have happened two months ago, I would have come up with some reason to duck out or not show up at all. The interesting revelation is...

What would have kept me from enjoying myself had this event happened two months ago? It really wouldn't have been the fear of what people would think of me after weight gain, it would have been the self-punishment found in projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge. Let that marinate for a minute.

How we feel about ourselves is a very powerful thing. For someone as sensitive as me, projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge, has been a source of a lot of needless shame, embarrassment and guilt. Newsflash: We're all human! The great news is, it works both ways. I projected a genuine feeling of peace and confidence this evening and I projected it toward everyone around me. Not once did I feel the negative emotions that once upon a time came so easily. I pray this feeling stays with me forever. I will continue doing the inside work needed to maintain this non-physical part of my transformation.

I did leave the party slightly early in order to make my 7pm Tuesday night group conference call. It was once again a great experience. Afterward, I cooked dinner, enjoyed it and then headed for a late workout at the YMCA.

Tomorrow is weigh day! I can't wait to report the number I find. I'm keeping a very level head about whatever the scale says tomorrow. Regardless of the number, I'm not stopping this positive momentum I'm building. If the number is a big loss, I must remind myself to keep my feet on the ground. If it's small or a gain, I'll do the same--with a little help from my friends. Taking back the emotional effects of the scale is important. The numbers don't define who we are. It's for statistical purposes only. And perhaps those statistics can occasionally help inspire small tweaks here and there if needed.

You're welcome to check out my Live-Tweet Twitter feed of all my food and exercise. Also, if you have MyFitnessPal, friend me if you wish, my username is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 8th, 2014 I Must Always Protect My Journey

June 8th, 2014 I Must Always Protect My Journey

I'm making positive headway on all fronts. I dealt with emotional stress today and didn't turn to food for comfort. Simply understanding that food isn't a therapist isn't enough to stop the bee line to the nearest binge food. We know the food isn't going to fix anything. And so it goes, we run to it anyway, knowing it isn't the answer. At this point, we're just looking for an escape. We're looking for a shelter from whatever it is weighing on us. And we eat. And we eat. And the time it takes us to eat, we're free. We're free from the worry. We're free from the stress. We try in vain to replace the pain, with something good. Even if it isn't good, it taste good. There's pleasure in the taste, pleasure in the bio-chemical reactions its substances provide.  And when we come down, or step away from that shelter, we realize everything is still the way it was, only now we have the added guilt and shame the binge brings. We resolve to not get fooled again. We resolve to get a handle. And we do, until our defenses are shattered and we reach for the same futile weapon, again and again. 

When I'm challenged and feeling exceptionally weak, I must always reach out to someone who truly understands and sincerely appreciates the dynamics involved. Spirituality and meditation help further relieve the urgency for flight. Then, after calming down and getting to a better mental state, I must always go back and confront the issue or circumstance, straight up. Every time I make these choices instead of choosing to escape into food, I get stronger. I don't believe in a time where I'll not need to be aware and on guard. I must always protect my journey, like a momma bear protects her cubs. It's too important to not.

I did well today. I'm proud of myself. I feel strong. I finished the day below my calorie budget and I completed a wonderful elliptical workout at the YMCA. I also took time to prepare some wonderful food.  You can check out my Twitter feed if you're interested in seeing pictures and calorie counts of my food today or any previous day for the last month and a half or longer. It's all there.

As I continue to be positively impacted by the epiphanies of May 15th (Their impact refuses to subside), I realize other bloggers I look up to have demonstrated wonderful examples of loving oneself and finding joy and wholeness in the things that make us who we are. One such example is Loretta. Click her name for her fabulous weight loss blog. She also has a separate blog dedicated to her amazing art, you can find it here.  Loretta has a wonderful perspective on many things. I highly recommend both of her blogs!

I enjoyed posting a micro-blog to my Facebook yesterday:

"What we constantly tell ourselves; the focus of our beliefs, becomes our reality. Even if it isn't true, it doesn't matter. If we give it enough energy, it becomes a very real thing. Our perception of reality IS our reality. If you're telling yourself “this is an impossible task and there's no hope for recovery” or “I'm doomed to fail along this road,” you're breathing life into those notions. The more you say it or think it, the stronger the belief becomes until it's as real as anything. A wise person once said, “thoughts become things,” and it's a powerful truth. If you're plagued by an imminent sense of doom, hopelessness and failing, I challenge you to think differently. My friend, I understand, I've been there on more than a few occasions. I may not know you personally or your unique set of circumstances, but I know this: Regardless of where you are, there's hope. You have an incredible power within you waiting to be tapped. It's as real as anything. You can do this. You deserve it. There's incredible hope and promise when you truly believe. Look around you and you'll likely see people who may have once felt hopeless too and now are thriving. They're not anymore special than you, they simply changed their inner dialogue and dominant thoughts/beliefs. Be kind to yourself. You're beautiful, smart and powerful. Believe it."

I hope you have a wonderful start to your week!  

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean