Monday, January 19, 2015

January 19th, 2015 Namaste (nuhm-uh-stey)

January 19th, 2015 Namaste (nuhm-uh-stey)

Every once in a while, I hear it: "Congratulations, you look great. You're so strong," or a similar quote. I accepted a version of this today from someone who I ran into at the grocery store, whom I hadn't seen in years. I don't think they're remotely aware of the relapse and regain period of this journey. I gracefully accepted the compliment with a "thank you, very much! I feel great too!"

Accepting a compliment and saying thank you instead of first listing off all of the reasons you believe their perception is inaccurate--is tough to do. It's important to embrace, though. I've found the urge to discount or immediately deny compliments has faded, but I still feel a little twinge in that direction. Old habits die hard.

Are we not worthy? It's not that, really. Yes, we are worthy. But I tend to examine things a little deeper, especially this notion that I'm super strong along this road.

 Let me explain, please.

And keep in mind, I'm not discounting my success and where I am or what I'm doing. I'm simply offering perspective to this compliment I seem to attract every now and again.

If you took away this blog, the accountability Twitter feed, the calorie budget, added a dash of sugar or seven dashes (or, hey--just give me the bag of sugar, already), took away the social media support system I've built, took away the weekly support group I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri, and I was completely on my own...well, I assure you, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog post. I'd likely still be over 500 pounds, waking up every day hoping and praying it's not my last. 

Am I strong? Or have I just learned and put into practice the power of structure? Without the support structure of my fundamental elements, I'm not strong at all. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know exactly what happened when I abandoned most of the above mentioned elements: I gained back 164 pounds. I suppose I don't do anything small.

The message here is to build your system. Find what works for you. Lean on the elements you need to keep you motivated and focused toward what is good and right. Never underestimate the power of support from others. When we try to do this alone is precisely the moment it gets super hard. Perhaps I'm strong at building my support structure. But on my own, I'm not strong at all. I'm affected, I'm complicated and most of all, I'm human.

But if I see you out and about and you offer me a compliment like the one described above, I'll not disagree with you. I'll gracefully accept your compliment. And if you're searching for the same strength, I'll encourage you, too. Because it's in you, I know it is.
-----------------------------------------------

I attended my second yoga class today at OM Yoga Studio. I'm really attracted to the peace, calm and spiritual experience of it all. The first thing I do is set my phone to silent and place it in one of my shoes. I make my way into the yoga room where the lights are dim, the music is soft and perfectly "yoga-like," and the atmosphere is inviting and comfortable. I love that the breathing is intentionally connected to the movements and as difficult as some of it is, I'm able to relax--let go of my ego, let go of my insecurities and just let it be. And if I ever have any question about the effectiveness of the workout, all I have to do is wait until the next morning. It's a good kind of soreness.
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I enjoyed cooking dinner tonight (see dinner tweet-pic below). After eating dinner at restaurants Friday through Sunday, it was time for a good home cooked meal. I used only 1/2 a tablespoon of olive oil in a non-stick pan to cook the chopped sweet potatoes, yellow squash, zucchini squash and onions. I set the heat on low and practiced patience while the fish baked in the oven, wrapped in foil. It was tremendously satisfying!

I truly believe one of the biggest components to our individual happiness is identifying and nurturing our core passions. These core passions are not dependent on our size. I was broadcasting and public speaking long before I ever starting losing weight. The happiness to be found in my core passions was often overlooked in favor of focusing on my weight and appearance as a "worthiness indicator" for my happiness. Declaring our God-given natural worthiness for happiness and discovering it isn't found anywhere but inside us, is a critically important realization along this road. That's where it was placed, completely unaware of any outside influence.

We're not worthy of more because we lose weight and we're not worthy of less because we gain. We are always worthy. And if our perspective and focus embraces this truth, we can experience a new level of freedom beyond anything we previously imagined.
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Two Passions: Broadcasting and Public Speaking. The rare full body 500 pounds-plus 'before' photo features me with three colleagues (Chris Johnson, Ryan Diamond and Steve Daniels). We were broadcasting live from Guthrie at Oklahoma's Statehood Centennial Parade in 2007. The below 'after' photo was a speaking event/book signing in Rogers, Arkansas--late spring 2012.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, January 18, 2015

January 18th, 2015 Parallel To One Another

January 18th, 2015 Parallel To One Another

Taking time to take care is a running theme around these pages. It can be a challenge if you're not the best time manager. And I'm not. But I do what I can today with an eye on how I can make today better. Maybe what I can do isn't all I can do after all! 

I'm certainly branching out lately, with my weight training start and yoga schedule. And with each of these things I'm widening my definition of 'what I can do.' I'm doing it while keeping the fundamental elements running consistently.

I'm feeling well. I made a point to reach out to loved ones today. This included making a trip after my workout to visit and have dinner with my mom.

Staying connected requires life in the foreground, fundamentals of my continued recovery in the background. Those two streams of being shouldn't intersect or switch places. If they do, that's when some serious struggle can quickly become a thing. Keeping those streams running parallel to one another, in harmony, has been and continues to be key for me during this entire turnaround.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, January 17, 2015

January 17th, 2015 I Just Enjoyed It

January 17th, 2015 I Just Enjoyed It

Sitting down in my seat at the concert and fitting in a perfectly normal way and not crowding the person next to me, was one of those silent acknowledgements that just make you smile inside. I didn't verbalize it, didn't say a word. I just enjoyed it. Really, that was the least of the memorable moments of this day and night.

The wonderful evening out with Amber was preceded by an early trip to the Y for a good cardio workout. I prepared a good breakfast before and enjoyed an unusual lunch after, before departing on this trip she and I was looking forward to experiencing.

When we're traveling somewhere, we're talking constantly. And we had plenty to discuss. Wedding plans and her teaching job were topics we needed to catch up on. And of course, we always have plenty of laughs. One of the most beautiful things I share with both of my daughters is our sense of humor. We love to laugh. And this sense of humor is similar among the three of us, so whenever we're all together, or like tonight, just two of us, it quickly turns hilarious no matter what we're doing or where we're going. When I want to write new stand-up material, the best thing for me to do is hang out with my daughters.

We decided to dine at Chipotle Mexican Grill before the big Garth Brooks concert. Amber and I share a mutual love for this place. It was fast, delicious and easy to count, calorie wise. Originally, I thought we might dine a little closer to the venue, but friends who made this concert trip before us (Garth did 7 sold out shows, tonight being the last) advised of hour and a half wait times to be seated. Chipotle worked beautifully.

My strategy at Chipotle was fairly simple: Crispy chicken tacos, easy on the sour cream, topped with lettuce--no cheese, a 3.5 oz guacamole (Chipotle guac is a must. It's the only guac I enjoy more than my own!) and an order of kids size chips. I've ordered the kids taco kit (2 tacos) on previous trips. This time I simply ordered tacos. It came with three. But as I added the calories in MyFitnessPal, I quickly realized the meal would top 700 calories with all three. I took one away and it turned out to be plenty and a more reasonable 553 calories. I was satisfied and ready to enjoy the concert.

We arrived at the concert right on time, found our seats and took a selfie, of course!
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The concert was incredible. Garth still has it and then some. His wife, Trisha Yearwood, was amazing too. When I watch Garth perform, I can't forget the first time I watched him perform live. Garth attended college in my hometown. He honed his skills at Willie's Saloon on Stillwater's strip, just off the campus of Oklahoma State University. Anyway, it was the mid 80's, five years before his career took off and he was the musical entertainment at the big Stillwater fireworks display on the 4th of July. It was just him and his guitar. The crowd of several thousand weren't really paying too much attention to him. We wanted fireworks, not some unknown guy with a guitar. What I didn't give too much thought to at the time, but did later--and will never forget, is my mom enjoying his performance and proclaiming aloud: "He's going to be big someday." Yep. Mom called it long before any of us could possibly imagine just how big he would eventually become.

The ride home with Amber was just as engaging as the trip to Tulsa. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation and the wonderful father/daughter date we shared. It was special. I can't believe I'll be walking her down the aisle in just a few months. Time flies, huh? 

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, January 16, 2015

January 16th, 2015 Protect The Cubs

January 16th, 2015 Protect The Cubs

Taking a rest day yesterday without feeling guilty about it, was refreshing. It's not always the easiest perspective to adopt. But I adopted it all the way. I really think it helped give me a wonderful boost today. I felt super motivated to do exceptionally well today.

I experienced some stress today and instead of ignoring it, I met it head on and handled it. This is a learned thing for me. It's not my natural way, I promise. The perspective I try my best to embrace is one of a mama bear protecting her cubs. The elements of my recovery and success, are my cubs. If something stands a chance at threatening my cubs, then I must face it down, handling the situation before it handles me. Again, a learned thing.

One of the major benefits of losing 275 pounds then gaining back over half, and now losing most of the regain weight to date, are the numerous lessons and experiences along the way. It's enriched my trek in some fairly powerful ways. I'm very grateful! Maintaining balance with my food and exercise despite stressful and emotional things is imperative, because life happens. Stress and emotions come into play occasionally. What is the wise saying? It isn't what happens to you, it's how you react that matters most. It's a very important thing to remember. Those cubs, protect 'em!

It's not easy. It takes intentional effort.

My weight training today was short and sweet. I'm really pleased with my lower body strength. I was handling 200lbs on the leg press fairly easily. I might have been able to do a little more, actually. Clearly, my lower body is much stronger than my upper body. I don't think I can expect measured results just yet, I mean really, I just started, but-- I grabbed the 10 pound dumbbells for my hammer curls and they seemed perfect. Maybe the increased blood flow to certain muscles is waking them up after being dormant for so long. It's a theory.
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I dined out tonight at a little Italian place. I called ahead and confirmed they had gluten free pasta on hand. I'm not 100% gluten free, but I do make an effort to avoid it most of the time. When the server said "I'll be right back with some fresh bread," I quickly caught her before she got away and declined. My plan in this place is pasta with marinara. And since I had a good amount of calories remaining, I enjoyed a couple of meatballs. The plate arrived and it was at least twice what I needed. I was counting on a 3oz plate of pasta (1.5 servings), it was 6oz, easy. It took enormous self-control to not finish the plate. I'm experienced enough to know what 3oz of pasta looks and feels like and when I reached that point, I had to push the rest away. Still, it was tempting. Finally, the server took it away. "You want a to go box?" Uh, yes and no...I mean, no thank you! 

 I often mention the weekly teleconference support group I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri every Tuesday evening. Openings come available with the start of every 10 week session and we're quickly approaching the start of another! If you're interested, send me an email: transformation.road@gmail.com I'll be happy to answer any questions you might have about this dynamic group!
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Tomorrow evening will be a fun experience. I have a date with my oldest daughter for dinner in Tulsa followed by the Garth Brooks concert! I'm excited! My challenge will be to get my workout in before we hit the road.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, January 15, 2015

January 15th, 2015 Busy Day

January 15th, 2015 Busy Day

Today was a very busy day. Wow. I'm just glad it's time to call it a night. I did get quite a lot accomplished, but not necessarily everything I needed to get done. I spent a good deal of time working on my Weight Loss Meditations project this evening. I can't wait to get past the writing phase and into the recording phase of this deal!

I made today a rest day after yesterday's Yoga session. Make no mistake, yoga is an amazing workout. I haven't been this sore in a very long while and this was an introductory class! It isn't a bad kind of sore, it's a nice kind of sore. I'm excited because I know, like the weight training, it's going to make a wonderful difference for me.

I got creative in the kitchen today. I'm proud of myself for using leftover chicken from last night's dinner on today's lunch. I'm really bad about leaving leftovers and eventually throwing them away. Tonight I made gravy! It was simple. I used the tiny amount of fat created by the 96% lean beef patty and a 1/2 tablespoon olive oil to supplement, gluten free flour and unsweetened cashew milk. Oh, and plenty of pepper. Low cal gravy, you bet!

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Throwback Thursday! My first grade teacher Mrs. Schlimpert showed up at a book signing in January 2012. She taught me my ABC's!

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, January 14, 2015

January 14th, 2015 Increased Effort

January 14th, 2015 Increased Effort

My workout plan today didn't include Yoga, initially. I did schedule a consultation today at the Yoga studio down the street from where I work. After a great conversation, the decision was made. My first class would be at 5:30pm.

Yoga is something many have encouraged me to try over the years. I've resisted for a variety of reasons, but I assure you, none of them were grounded in solid reasoning. Mostly, my reluctance revolved around ego and basically, not wanting to put myself in vulnerable, self-conscious type situations. Letting all of that go and embracing something new seems to be the theme of this blog lately. It feels amazing to just let it be, let the hangups go and just be real and okay with it all.

Yesterday I started weight training, something I'm enthusiastically looking forward to continuing on a regular/consistent schedule. Today it was Yoga. After this first class, I've decided it will be a twice a week addition to my workout plans.

I really felt connected to the breathing and movements. I enjoyed the calm/centered approach. It's completely different from going full speed on the elliptical. I feel like this addition, without any doubt, will be a very positive part of my physical, emotional and mental progress moving forward. Yeah--yoga hits 'em all! My next Yoga class is set for Monday at 5:30pm. In the meantime, it'll be back to the YMCA for weight training and elliptical cardio.

It's interesting, really. Throughout my initial weight loss and up until now, I've never applied this much effort and thought into my fitness plan. I've focused heavily on the emotional/mental aspects of my relationship with food, of course and it's served me well. This is new territory for me in the exercise and fitness part of the equation. It's poised to be a very nice compliment to everything I'm passionate about along this road.

I don't know if you can read it in my words here, but I'm very excited about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. This entire journey, especially the last ten months, has been an incredible blessing on multiple levels. I'm so very grateful. I needed every bit of my experience. It's all good. Even the relapse and regain was one of the most important elements needed to progress toward a better understanding. I'm still learning. The learning never stops.

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The last time I was this fired up about exercise was when I did this 10K years ago. The number 278 was chosen because that's what I weighed on that particular day.

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, January 13, 2015

January 13th, 2015 A Breakthrough

January 13th, 2015 A Breakthrough

Days like today are the best kind. When you face down irrational fears, trust whatever bad you're imagining isn't the truth and what everyone is telling you is, something powerful happens. I think it's best described as a breakthrough. 

I've had several of these over the last six years, dating back to Day 1 when my youngest daughter, Courtney, accompanied her 505 pound dad to the walking trail. My irrational fear that night was that I would surely drop dead at the slightest exertion. I took it very slow, waddled really, and I made it, maybe a 1/4 mile. It wasn't far in actual distance, but psychologically it was to the moon and back. The truth was, even at 505 pounds, I could move without dying. And I could do just a small amount more each night, until eventually I could do whatever distance I desired, without fear. 

I remember returning to the YMCA after my relapse and dramatic regain. It was tough to walk through those doors again. My irrational fear was born from me projecting how I felt about myself onto everyone around me. If I was ashamed and incredibly disappointed in myself, surely everyone else was too. I was convinced that I would be confronted, shamed and maybe scolded as a fraud by the people who once watched me speak an inspiring and motivating message to large crowds in that very building. I put it off and put it off and finally decided to face whatever was coming. What came, couldn't have been further from my imagination. I was embraced. I was encouraged. I was congratulated. I was perfectly fine. From that first trip back, it was easy to go. The elliptical was set on level 2 and I wanted to quit after 5 minutes and now, with consistency over time, I can do level 14 for 30 minutes straight without ever feeling the need to give up.

I remember the paralyzing fear I had of taking my shirt off and swimming in public. I just knew everyone in the pool area would gasp with wide eyed disgust over the loose skin and stretch mark battle scars I've earned over the years. Why would I even put myself in this position to be humiliated?? Because I wanted to feel the water. I wanted to experience my own weightless buoyancy. I wanted to feel the freedom it represented. I was upset with myself for ever bringing it up. I was changing in the locker room and thinking , why did I ever bring this up? It was too late to turn back. As I waited by the door, with the pool on the other side, waiting for what I didn't know---until a larger man, bigger than me, confidently walked past and out into the pool area, like he had done it a million times. That's what I was waiting for. I followed and I did it. I swam. It was an emotional moment when I realized how completely wrong my irrational fears had been over the years. Nobody laughed, nobody even paid attention really. It wasn't a big deal to anyone else, but me. And it was a big deal that also required forgiving myself. Why? Because the reality I discovered that day was that the only one who was judging me, was me. Now, although I don't swim very often, I could easily do it anytime, any pool--without hesitation.

Today was similar to these experiences. Perhaps a little less dramatic, but still--a big deal to me. My hangups about weight/strength training are long and storied, dating back to childhood in the school weight room where I held the title of the weakest kid in the district. It was embarrassing then, to not even be able to successfully bench press the bar. What made me think those school kid faces would return thirty years later and repeat their cruel and obviously entertained reaction? Irrational fears. Nobody wants me to fail. They want me to succeed. Nobody is waiting to get their kicks by watching me struggle with a lightweight dumbbell. (I did struggle!) But most importantly, I did it. And now, with reality proven, doing it again and again will be a choice unencumbered by incredibly unrealistic and irrational expectations.
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I walked over to the free weights for some bicep hammer curls and it was crowded. A couple of women were using 25 pound free weights. I reached for the 12.5 pound weights, because--hey, they're not the smallest! I quickly realized I wasn't ready for 12.5 pounds. So without hesitation, I returned them to the rack and grabbed the 5 pound weights. It's a start. And everyone starts somewhere, right? Nobody noticed either. I was doing my thing. Everyone else was doing theirs.

I was impressed with the machines requiring back and shoulder muscles. I could push and pull some pretty good weight! This is good to know. I'm looking forward to my progress. Today was my "level 2" on the weights. If I'm consistent as I plan to be, I'll be handling level 14 before long.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, January 12, 2015

January 12th, 2015 I Was Ready, Then I Wasn't

January 12th, 2015 I Was Ready, Then I Wasn't

I'm not sure what it is that keeps me from getting started with weight training. I've written about it before, describing some of my old hangups, but really, I thought I was past that stuff. 

I've been properly tutored on the weights. The plan is a combination of weight machines and free weights. It's a simple plan to start. Small weights, dip the toes in type deal--and still, I didn't start tonight. I almost did. I arrived at the row of machines, even had them all to myself, and I just looked at it for 2 minutes. My bottle of water was in the holder with my towel draped around. I was ready. Then I wasn't. What in the world am I allowing to hold me back?

After my extended pause, I grabbed my water and towel and made my way to the familiar elliptical. I climbed aboard, started the program set to level 14 and I was on my way to a nice cardio workout. As I walked away from the weights, my thought was, I'll start tomorrow. Geez. How much longer can I say "I'll start tomorrow?" It was getting old four years ago. It's now become almost laughable. Instead of the popular phrase "when pigs fly," it's changed to "yeah right, when Sean starts weight training." 

Okay, so it isn't that bad. But still. I'm getting tired of this craziness. So here it is, A declaration for accountability: I will start my Day 1 of weight training tomorrow, Tuesday January 13th, 2015. Maybe a little pressure is what I need. If I try to skim over it tomorrow night, please call me out!!! Okay--enough of this. Tomorrow. It's on.

I had another great food day. I really like my calorie budget where it is because it gives me plenty. Although, I would be wise to perhaps cut down the calories a little, early-or eat smaller, later, then have a small meal in-between lunch and dinner. It was a full 8 hours between lunch and dinner today. I'm not an expert, but I've listened to many who are and they say going that long between food isn't the best thing.

And honestly, if you've followed this blog--then you know, I don't strive for perfection--just consistency...but I must recognize simple and beneficial maneuvers, if I agree. And I do agree, the metabolism needs fuel every three or four hours--something, and it doesn't need to be big. Just a good chunk of wood to keep the fire burning hot. Makes sense, absolutely.

Man, I love me some commas, dashes and dot, dot, dots. What can I say? I write the way I talk.

I'm feeling really good tonight, despite the tone of this post. The psychology of it all is interesting to me.

Both of these pictures are old. The one on the right is when I was right about where I am now, weight wise, during my initial weight loss. I rarely post "before and after" side by sides, but hey--why not? Actually, there's a good reason. I'm trying to figure out why my blog randomly chooses the photo it displays when I post a link to social media sites. If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits one point twenty one gigawatts...oh wait... I mean, if my calculations are correct, this photo will be the one it grabs.
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It was a big water day around here! 13 cups! I know for some, this would be a so-so water day, but for me, it's HUGE. I'm proud!
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I hope your day was wonderful! I'm looking forward to another good one tomorrow.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, January 11, 2015

January 11th, 2015 No Complaints

January 11th, 2015 No Complaints

I'm really tired tonight. It was a solid Sunday all the way around. I haven't any complaints!

As I occasionally do, once or twice a month, I'm letting the Tweets handle tonight's post.

I'll be asleep within minutes!

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, January 10, 2015

January 10th, 2015 This Is My Normal

January 10th, 2015 This Is My Normal

It was a good Saturday. I did some reading, did a little work from home, exercised well, did some grocery shopping, consumed some really good food (as you'll see in below tweets!) and basically, just relaxed.

I dine out alone fairly often. I've noticed in a crowded restaurant full of people, when you're the only single person at a table, people notice you more. A guy at the next table was clearly amused by my dinner time photography. He probably didn't think I heard him telling his significant other how strange he thought I was acting, with the photos.

Dining out with someone else is different. You can blend into the crowd easier. And I agree, when I spread out a napkin and count out my chips, then move the bowl to the far end of the table--mix a little sour cream in the salsa, set it next to the chips--then snap snap snap... Then it's MFP time, entering the numbers--then the tweet. When the entree arrives, it's the same thing again--this time assembling the tacos carefully on the plate--then snap snap snap--MFP--tweet... You know what?

I don't care. I thought it was humorous. Because he doesn't know how important the structure is to someone like me. He doesn't know me. I was amused because he was amused.

I take pride in what I do. What I do is important. It might look a little strange to someone who doesn't understand the significance, but I'd rather be strange and feel great, than try to be normal, casual and out of control. 

This is my normal. 

I'm a writer, a philosopher and I will always be a student of this journey.

I like what I'm learning.  

My Tweets Today:
































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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