August 18th, 2014 Never Give Up
I felt myself slipping in the summer of 2012. It felt as if I was slowly
turning back into 505 pound Sean. What happened? I had successfully maintained for a year and a half since hitting 230 pounds in November 2010.
Something had changed. I lost my grip. It started affecting me in the most depressive ways. Suddenly what seemed easy was the hardest thing to do and where I had become
cocky-confident, I was being shown
I wasn't so invincible after-all. I was falling fast.
A victim of my own pride and perspective.
I had a big corporate speaking event on the schedule for late September 2012. As it approached, I kept trying to right my wrongs so I could somehow stand tall and confident in front of what would be the largest audience to ever hear me speak. Part of me was excited for this event, with its three camera shoot, big stage--big auditorium and a company wide live webcast. Speaking for this Fortune 500 company could help me launch the speaking career I dreamed of having. The circumstances and bigness seemed to match the confidence level I had, the one that
was quickly slipping away. And this lack of confidence had the other part of me
completely terrified.
I sat across from my therapist two days before the event. I had gained back a little over twenty pounds. Seems crazy now when I think about how broken up I was over that twenty pounds. It wasn't necessarily the twenty pounds, it was feeling
like all of what I had inside was gone and I couldn't get it back. I told my therapist I couldn't stand in front of any audience and I was going to cancel my appearance at the event. The counsel she offered me that day shot straight to the heart of who I was and what I was about. I was struggling
and humans struggle and I needed to express this,
not hide from it or pretend it didn't exist. She suggested just enough spark for me
to ignite just enough confidence to do the job I was hired to do. I left her office determined to speak at the event two days later.
The event arrived and so did I, but only after an intensive self-talk confidence boosting session in the mirror. Even if I wasn't fully convinced, I needed to make it through this event somehow. And it wasn't one session, it was two sessions. I was scheduled to deliver the same talk twice in the same day with one being web-streamed live throughout the company.
As soon as I hit the stage, I felt a burst of energy--like my confidence had returned. I spoke with passion, straight from the heart and afterward the question and answer session confirmed how I felt.
I had made a powerful connection with my audience.
As I signed books afterward, I was approached by a very nice woman who didn't say too much, but I do remember her saying that she was watching the webcast from her desk and had to come over from her office to meet me. She bought a book, I signed it to "
Heather..."--and she walked away. There was something about her that made an impact on me. I can't explain it. All I know is,
something was different about her from all the others I met that day.
It wasn't long before Heather Cates and I started exchanging messages via Facebook. Although the power of the speaking event sparked something in me to turn things around, it only lasted a few days before I felt pulled back into the spiral. When she suggested we get together just as friends for her birthday in early 2013, I was really in no place to oblige--but for some reason,
I couldn't say no. We enjoyed a nice evening and visit that I couldn't forget. I was attracted to her story, her experience--she was a survivor who overcame incredible odds and she was so beautifully passionate about it all and what she was all about. It didn't matter though, because the darkness I felt surrounding wouldn't let me continue seeing her.
Several days after that first evening, I told her via Facebook message
"it's not a good time for me," and that was that. I still didn't forget her,
I couldn't. I felt like I was missing something very special. But I had to miss it because
I didn't feel worthy of anything good in any way. When she started seeing someone else a while later, she didn't know it--
but I felt a genuine sense of loss. By that time I was well on my way to a 164 pound regain. I was feeling more lost than ever before. I felt like I had missed a turn somewhere--taking a nightmare detour where all of my worst fears were unfolding right in front of me. Nobody but me knew how dark it was getting because I kept it to myself, isolating and feeling horribly alone. Occasionally I would break free for a couple days but then it was right back into this horrible place.
2014 started with an awakening of sorts. It was late January when I started really taking the steps to pull out of this horrible place. I made doctors appointments to help me with my raging sleep apnea and I resolved to turn this ship around once and for all. It still wasn't enough. It was mid to late April of this year when I finally reached a point of true surrender. I couldn't continue on like I was and I wasn't giving up. I redefined my approach, recommitted myself to daily writing, set up new and powerful accountability tools and set out on an often wobbly stride toward feeling better. Finally, I was losing weight again and feeling fantastic.
The darkness was lifting quickly and then May 15th came along and completely changed me in the deepest, most profound way. It was a simple ten minute drive to the YMCA for my workout. I wasn't trying to think about any of this stuff when these incredible thoughts started firing in my head. In that short ten minute drive, I was given what it meant to and how to really love myself. I never knew how before May 15th. I was doing it wrong my entire life. Suddenly, this shift in perspective was so clear, so real and powerful, I couldn't stop marveling at what it was doing for me on the inside.
This is when things turned dramatically better in my life.
A month later, Heather crossed my mind again.
Was I too late? Had the ship sailed? I couldn't tell from her Facebook account because of her privacy settings--so I messaged her and asked if she would consider seeing me again. She said yes. I couldn't believe it.
She said yes. Maybe I wasn't too late! Maybe the time was right.
Maybe I had to experience what I did before I could ever experience what I dreamed.
We took some time to simply reacquaint with one another. Then, Saturday August 16th, we acknowledged our mutual feelings and it felt as right and as peaceful and harmonious as it possibly could feel.
We made it
"Facebook Official" today. If it seemed sudden, it wasn't. It was a long and broken road that eventually brought us back together.
I highly recommend reading her blog for some insight into her incredible story and what she's all about. Simply click:
www.motivateyouwhynotyou.blogspot.com/
The common theme among it all--all of this, is never give up.
Never give up. It's not too late to turn things around. The weight isn't even the main issue,
it's how we feel about ourselves--and when we start shifting this crucial perspective, incredible things can happen and some of the most powerful transformations occur in the most natural and beautiful way.
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I had a great workout tonight, even though it was my backup plan. My workday was exceptionally long and I ended up missing my planned spin and swim combo. I opted for the elliptical instead. I'll spin and swim again another day.
My food tweets today:
Thank you for reading and for your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
