April 2nd, 2019 You Don't Have To Fight

April 2nd, 2019 You Don't Have To Fight

Yesterday was a 6-star day: I maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, I remained refined sugar-free, I exceeded my daily water goal, I enjoyed a great 30-minute elliptical workout, and I stayed well connected with exceptional support.

My 30-minute elliptical last night was needed. It felt good. I've already walked a half-hour today, too. More physical movement is helping me in a variety of ways.

I love diving into the archives of this diary. I found the following excerpt from over nine years ago and it was a good read for me today.

From December 1st, 2009:
It’s crazy, but again I’ve had to deal with stressful triggers trying to manipulate me into bad choices with food and exercise. I won---but still, I guess I somehow thought I was beyond the effects of super stress. You see, I can handle regular stress really well, no problem at all. In fact, I perform at my optimum level under a healthy dose of stress, or energy---we’ll call it…But, you make it a super stressful situation and watch out. I start to crumble like most people. 

The more you care, the harder it is…because I know what’s right, I really care a bunch, making it harder to deal with these crazy stress triggered urges. Does that make sense? You understand? My importance level is super high; it’s life or death. If it weren’t---I would be careening out of control at this point.

I guess what I’m saying is: It’s easy to not care. If you don’t care, you don’t have to fight. Just give in to the stressful triggers and go back to the habits that created the beast in the first place. It takes a special kind of resolve to make it through the most stressful situations.

Nothing is going to steal this away from me, nothing…no stressful trigger, circumstance, person, place, or thing. Nothing can take away my resolve and separation of my habits from my emotions.

I’m telling you this: I fully understand why I struggled so hard in the past and why I failed so many times. I wasn’t ready to fight. I’m a fighter now. I’m defending myself with everything I have. I’m worth it. I’ve learned a strong lesson in loving myself enough to change and doing everything I can to fully understand how that change occurs and how it becomes second nature. It is a process, I’ll tell you that. I haven’t perfected it yet, and I may never, but I’ll get close enough to ensure my success for life. How? Because I understand it now better than I ever have.
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Update: Now, in hindsight, I have a better understanding of what I didn't fully understand and appreciate in that 9-year old post: A recovery based mindset. One day at a time. Stay connected with people in the same lifeboat. And I must rely on a higher power than me every single day. I must be grateful. I must spend time each morning within a mental/spiritual/emotional practice where I lay my vulnerabilities on the table and somehow make it through another day in spite of them. Also, I must spend mental energy where I envision where I want to go and what I want the future to look like. I must also give myself a healthy dose of positive self-talk each day.

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Practice, peace, and calm,
Sean

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