Monday, June 1, 2020

June 1st, 2020 In That Clearing

June 1st, 2020 In That Clearing

Since our last edition: I've maintained the integrity of my food plan boundaries, I've remained refined sugar-free, I've met or exceeded my daily water goal, I've enjoyed some really good walks and a few body-weight strength routines, and I've stayed well connected with exceptional support.

I notice things. I'm immensely grateful for the pause it takes to recognize patterns or remember how things were once upon a time. I'm also grateful for being able to be fair-minded enough to accept responsibility for the less than supportive patterns and to also acknowledge and appreciate with gratitude the supportive and positive patterns. The noticing and pause only happen when I'm not "in the food." If I'm into my food addiction instead of into my recovery, I'm blinded to everything else. The addiction requires my full obsessive attention. The structure of this daily practice shines a light for me and clears the fog. In that clearing, I'm able to acknowledge and appreciate the blessings; the things worthy of my daily gratitude. I'm grateful to God for each day I'm able to stay in this guided perspective.

I've enjoyed a few really good visits through the glass door with mom. We communicate with her Facebook Portal device too--but it's so much better when we're in person, even though we're separated by a thin layer of glass. We speak loudly to one another as our similar sense of humor collides into what should be premium standup material. Mom will make an absurd suggestion and that serves as the premise for the bit. From there, I take it and color it in with how that suggestion/premise might play out. In this fantasy world of humor, we've broken her out of there and got ourselves into a low-speed chase with the police pursuing us--actually walking beside us with an unnecessary bullhorn; mom in her wheelchair, me pushing, along the sidewalk. This imagined scenario ends with us at our favorite Mexican restaurant enjoying dinner before the building is surrounded and we're ordered to "put down the chips and come out with your enchiladas up!" Mom's laugh is such a joy to witness. She feels better when she's laughing and I feel better, too.

At over 500 pounds, there's no way I could do the things I'm able to do today while in a healthy weight range. I helped my oldest daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter move into their new house over the weekend. The opportunity to be there for them felt really good. The quality time we spent together was golden. Raegan loved showing me her new room! "It's amazing" she says. It's adorable. "Amazing" is one of her favorite words. She asked me to put on her hat and of course, I kindly obliged. Her smile of amused approval was so precious!


It was warm and quite comfy but she made me give it back, "my hat, Po Po!" 

I'm so proud of Amber and KL. They're good and attentive parents. When I see how supportive Amber interacts with Raegan, I can't help but think Irene and I did well in her raising. Perhaps it was mostly Irene's parenting contribution, but still, I'd like to take a tiny amount of credit.

Moving day!! Their new house is super close to another place where we moved her twelve years ago! Shortly before we snapped this selfie, we drove right by her old dorm on the campus of SWOSU. I'll never forget that day--loading her into her room--and that strange feeling when we drove away without her in the backseat.

Before I left, I had the opportunity to prepare breakfast for everyone. I love doing that. It was a fast move and a too fast visit, for sure. I could sit and chat with this little angel all day long. Even if it involves wearing her funny hat and learning all about Sesame Street all over again. What a tremendous blessing.

Before I wrap this edition, I can't do it without mentioning what's happening in the news. I don't have any answers and I'm powerless. But I see everything that's happened and what's happening--and it's sad to me. The uncertainty of the pandemic is one thing, the horrific killing of George Floyd and the resulting outrage and nationwide protests is another large measure of uncertainty. So much uncertainty in our world right now. I can pray, though. I can express my outrage for the pattern that keeps this insanity repeating time and time again. How can it change? When will it change? I don't know.

I remember a time when I would use events far less than the ones we're living through as rationalizations for releasing the care and attention my daily practice requires. The thought was: What does it matter? There are far more important things going on in this world and it's upsetting and I can't deal with it and if I'm taking care of myself it feels rather selfish. With so much pain and suffering all around, it seems way too self-centered to make my self-care important. The truth is, in that thought process, I was using the events as an out; a way to make myself feel better about the release of personal responsibility for my continued wellness. Self-care isn't selfish. The truth is, if I'm to be of the best service to others in this world, I must make my self-care important each brand new day. It's the old analogy of putting your oxygen mask on first.

Social Media Accountability Postings:

Do you own an "I'm Choosing Change" wristband? I wear mine daily as a constant reminder of why my daily practice of things is important. For me, it's simply a daily reminder to be open, willing, mindful, to pause, and to be intentional. If I'm not those things, I get stuck at the line of least resistance and back there is where the old patterns and behaviors thrive. Your order includes priority shipping so you'll get it quickly! Here's the link to order yours right now:

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Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Practice, peace, and calm,

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