Wednesday, June 10, 2015

June 10th, 2015 Eat My Way Out

June 10th, 2015 Eat My Way Out

It could have been a disaster.

My stress level was exceptionally high today. I started fielding errant thoughts mid-afternoon that excessive food might be the best option. Isn't that strange?

Not really.

If you add up all the years of experience I have in handling stress that way, it makes perfect sense. I'm really good at it.

I decided it was best for me to take a nap. Perhaps I'm just really tired, maybe that's why I'm feeling this way, I thought. I snoozed for nearly two hours. It was a solid nap. I woke up and viola...

I still wanted to eat my way out of the stress.

Of course, you and I both know it doesn't work that way. Shoveling in massive quantities of food only serves as a temporary distraction--a pleasurable one for a little while, at least, until the flood of guilt, shame, disgust and more start cascading in, on top of whatever was stressful in the first place. Excess food isn't a fixer. 

My awareness level is high, thank goodness. I immediately realized my life stream and fundamental elements stream were becoming dangerously close to crossing. I must never let the streams cross! 

Now what? Uhg...part of my brain was screaming feeeeed meeeeee!!! And another part was trying to rationally dissect what was happening.

Through my experience in support, I realized quickly that I needed to get this out of my head. When these thoughts are exclusive to our head, they're powerful and controlling. When we tell on them, shining a light on them by sharing with good support friends, suddenly they're called out--like a bully that gets caught and is suddenly on their best behavior after being exposed. 

I texted several of my friends in support, explaining what was happening; how I was feeling. I felt relieved as soon as I hit the send button. It wasn't exclusive to my brain anymore. It was out there.

The text support replies started coming and by this time, I felt empowered to overcome. 

And I did.

I enjoyed some coffee, planned, prepared and precisely weighed an amazing meal and made it to the YMCA for an elliptical workout. I even bumped it up to level 19. By the end of the workout, the episode this afternoon seemed very far away.

It could have been a disaster. But it wasn't. It was a solid reminder that I'm not ever immune to those old reactions. The coping mechanisms providing the perfect recipe for morbid obesity are like old tools I don't need anymore. I've learned how to use better tools.

I must always hold the elements of my recovery sacred. And good support is one of the pillars of the plan helping make that happen consistently. It's a tool I can't live without.

Thank goodness.

Like my coffee cup says, I get by with a little help from my friends.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 9, 2015

June 9th, 2015 Just The Tweets

June 9th, 2015 Just The Tweets

It's days like today when the Live-Tweeting comes in handy. It's too late for my own good. I look forward to writing more later this week.

I'm letting the tweets handle tonight's edition.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 7 comments:

Monday, June 8, 2015

June 8th, 2015 Reflection Projection

June 8th, 2015 Reflection Projection

I sincerely appreciate the generous outpouring of support after last night's post. There was a time not too long ago, the idea of such a post was horrifying to me. The fact that I did it is proof positive to me, of some mighty big changes in the way I value and love myself, without judgement. A few wonderful people used words like "brave" and "courage," and I'm not so sure it necessarily took those things because I didn't have fear.

In the absence of fear, do we use those very big things?

I never shared like that before because of my enormous fear of rejection and judgement. After careful analysis of everything, I honestly believe sharing those pics sooner would have garnered the same positive response.

My past fear of rejection and judgement was an unfair projection onto you, the reader, and it was a direct reflection of the self-rejection and self-judgement I harbored. The thought being, if I feel this way about myself, then naturally you feel the same way about me. It wasn't true then and it isn't true now. And I thank you, very much.

The absence of fear wasn't so much me assuming a positive reaction, as it was a reflection of a more positive and supportive self-acceptance. I suppose I might have been projecting again, but this time in a positive and supportive way.

Isn't it incredible how harsh we can be on ourselves? It's self-induced oppression and it serves no positive purpose. It holds us back in so many ways. If anyone else had been treating me the way I treated me, I would have screamed "abuse!!!" And I would never, in a million years, treat another human the way I once treated me. Getting to the point of a profound shift in personal perspective takes time and effort, but wow...it's so worth the effort.

photo AtOABAwards_zpsgyctsguw.jpg
This "lost before picture" was actually the last photograph of me right before embarking on this turnaround from relapse/regain. It was taken April 2014 at the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters Awards Banquet. I was accepting an award for weather coverage. And I was completely surprised when told a picture was part of the deal. I really didn't want my picture taken.

Today was a busy one. This entire week will be busy. It's 101 Rodeo week and there's a full slate of events and happenings our radio station is a part of each year at rodeo time. I'm excited about being able to physically handle the challenges ahead, this week and beyond.

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 2 comments:

Sunday, June 7, 2015

June 7th, 2015 The Beautiful Truth

June 7th, 2015 The Beautiful Truth

It's a very natural thing to want to post the most flattering pictures possible. It's not just me. A recent survey found for every selfie posted to social media, thirteen pictures were snapped to get just the right one.

I've shared many flattering photos throughout my weight loss journey. In fact, I've gone out of my way to make sure only flattering current photos are shared. The only exception to this indulgence has been "before" photos--those can be unflattering all day long. In fact, the more unflattering the better.

During my relapse/regain period, especially when the regain crossed the 100lb mark, I would take photo happy family members aside and seriously request they not post my pictures and if they did, "please don't tag me." I was ashamed. The flattering pictures were no longer coming easy and I wasn't sure they ever would again.

It's easy to post the most favorable photos...
photo Flattering_zpsktwvayog.jpg
photo 98655181-74de-44fc-8a9a-a74b9947b141_zpske39oqvx.jpg
After posting this picture yesterday, the compliments came a plenty. I sincerely appreciate it very much! I've worked very hard for the results I've experienced. I look at this picture and I'm proud about how far I've come physically. I'm even more proud of how far I've come mentally and emotionally.

You see, this "flattering pictures only" thing hasn't been exclusive to this blog or facebook. It's been a lifelong thing that goes far beyond pictures.

My wonderful ex-wife of 21 years didn't see me without a shirt on until a year into our relationship. I've had a few girlfriends since my divorce who never once saw me without a shirt on, ever. It was off limits. No amount of "I love you and it doesn't matter to me" worked against my defenses.

I lost weight. A lot of weight. In the beginning, I was just hoping for the best. It didn't take long for me to figure out that after more than two decades as a five hundred pound man, the damage done to my skin couldn't be lost like fat. 

I proudly referred to the stretch marks and loose skin as my "battle scars." But still--I wasn't going to show you, ever. Apparently, I wasn't that proud. 

The most convenient thing about not revealing is the declaration of boundaries and appropriateness. By golly, I don't need to show anyone my stretch marks and loose skin for as long as I live. That's private!  Perfect!! There isn't a person I've come across who would argue to the contrary. And seriously, there's nothing wrong with that stance.

I requested a good friend take some pictures of me tonight, battle scars and all. Her question: "So, why are you doing this?"

Because it's important to show all sides of this road. Because this is reality. Because we can lose enormous amounts of weight and we can share some incredibly flattering pictures and still, no matter how much weight we lose, we can still not like the body underneath our clothes. We can still feel like we're somehow being dishonest with everyone because we hide what's underneath. 

And here we are at a juncture. A turning point where we decide to continue hating our bodies forever, regardless of weight--at our heaviest or at our lowest weight, or we decide to lovingly embrace ourselves and be free.  

I gotta go with love on this one. The personal growth I've experienced in the last year has liberated me in monumental ways, far beyond the physical. 

I love me, stretch marks, loose skin and all. I'm truly blessed and grateful for this entire experience.

If you've ever looked at one of my 'before & now' side by side photos and thought, wow--what an amazing transformation, thank you. Now you know, the biggest transformation isn't the physical.

The biggest transformation is the mental and emotional shifts in perspective, dissolving self-hatred and nurturing self-love. 

The Beautiful Truth:
photo unflattering_zps2sstw4ut.jpg
Batwings, stretch marks galore, an abdomen apron of loose skin, a damaged lower extremity lymphatic system that will always mean swelling and discoloration in my lower right leg and less issues with the left, but still some swelling.

It's me! And I love me. I'm happy and I'm free.

Will I get skin removal surgery someday? I might. If I do, it'll only happen after four or five years of solid maintenance. And it'll be for practical reasons, not an attempt to somehow love and accept my body.

I'm already there.

Wow. That felt damn good.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems appropriate to let the Tweets handle telling the story of Sunday. It was a very good day!

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 22 comments:

Saturday, June 6, 2015

June 6th, 2015 It Would Have Worked

June 6th, 2015 It Would Have Worked

This was a busy Saturday. I was up early for two back to back location broadcasts, one at a car show, the other at a grocery store. The energy I have to move is wonderful. I remember handling similar schedules in my 500 pound days and honestly, I have no idea how I did it back then. Now, I feel light on my feet. There's no comparison to the chore of movement at my heaviest. I often share about the mental/emotional freedom of it all, and this, the physical freedom, is a big deal, too!

photo Before-Now_zps8qvk1qhh.jpg
This before/now side by side is dramatic. The "now" picture was snapped today at the grocery store broadcast. I'm wearing one of the pullover polo style shirts I mentioned in yesterday's post. I look at today's photo and my brain thinks, what, really?? The self-perception thing is tricky. It feels good and I feel very well mentally and emotionally--happy actually, and not because of my size, just generally happy.

A question arose in the comments of yesterday's post about the lunch time dilemma I found myself in when I failed to plan, prepare and pack some food to get me through midday Friday. I passed on the offer of hamburgers and hotdogs. The question was, why wouldn't a hamburger patty work in a pinch?

It would have worked. Had I been there an hour longer, I wouldn't have had a choice. The reason I opted to wait was purely a calorie value decision. The patties used were 4oz patties, heavily processed (high fat/fillers) and 340 calories each. This calorie count just wasn't workable in my mind. It wasn't even the heavily processed part that kept me from eating it, it was the calorie value. I get 1700 calories per day and I'm fairly particular about what gets me there.

My goal each day is to get the most out of my calories. This means making some decisions on the fly, like this one. Instead of one patty for 340, or two at 680--I made it until I got home and put together a big and filling--very satisfying plate of beef and bean tacos, baked with two kinds of cheese and topped with lettuce and a salsa/sour cream dressing. Two big tacos--full of protein, checked in at a low 443 calories, only 103 calories more than a single plain hamburger patty at the event.

What was the difference in the beef? The four ounces of 96% lean beef I used for the tacos had a calorie value of 140, a full 200 calories less.

I was very polite as I declined the offers for a hamburger at Friday's event. The last invitation came in front of the president of the company, who was helping organize the event. He heard the offer and my polite decline and then said, "I know why you said no."  He was very familiar with my weight loss. I smiled and said, "yeah, I'll be fine. I have some stuff waiting for me at home."

 I made today a rest day from intentional exercise. I wasn't necessarily planning on it, but after the two broadcasts and a late afternoon nap, I felt it was needed. I also considered the two previous "rest" days were anything but restful, having burned double and even triple calories over my regular workouts.

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 2 comments:

Friday, June 5, 2015

June 5th, 2015 The Pull-Over

June 5th, 2015 The Pull-Over

I'm usually better prepared. In my rush to leave the house this morning, I forgot to prepare and pack a good snack for my midday location broadcast. There wasn't time in between work at the studio and heading to this client's customer appreciation cookout from 11am to 2pm. The client was cooking for everyone--free food and plenty of it...Hamburgers and hotdogs, chips and soda, plus ice cold bottled water. My breakfast started wearing off about 11:30am and I knew, it was going to be a long 2.5 hours before I could get away and eat something else.

"Nobody has ever starved to death between meals," I kept repeating those words from Life Coach Gerri. But then again, maybe a hamburger with mustard would be a good option at this juncture. I really wanted to wait for a post broadcast lunch at home. My apartment is literally less than a mile away--so I waited. I texted Gerri about the situation and told her I forgot to plan, prepare and pack--I forgot the three P's!!! I coined the "3 P's" phrase and I forgot!! Hey, it happens, you know? 

By the time the broadcast was over, I was more than ready to eat something filling and delicious. I prepared some baked beef and bean tacos with two kinds of melted cheese, lettuce and salsa dressing (salsa mixed with light sour cream). I'm glad I waited. It was incredibly tasty and satisfying.

Once lunch was finished, I had just enough time to get a short nap before heading to my second broadcast of the day from 5pm to 8pm. Making it until a late dinner didn't seem to be a concern like the lunch situation. And maybe it helped that I wasn't surrounded this evening by the aroma of a giant grill.

About 7:30pm, after considering dinner options--and leaning toward a quick grocery run and cooking something at home, I suddenly scrapped that plan for a quicker restaurant stop for more tacos--this time shrimp tacos with sour cream and lettuce. Apparently this was taco day in my world. Had I known this earlier, I would have prepared breakfast tacos this morning!

I'm wearing polo style pullover shirts without all the self-conscious craziness I once carried. This is a big development for me. I don't need the t-shirt and over-shirt look anymore in order to feel confident. Even though it's apparently a fashion thing, considering the male mannequins at the store are doing the undershirt/over-shirt thing. I invented that trend, I'm pretty sure--in my late teens. 

The broadcast tonight was an annual broadcast--and many of the people I came in contact with, I hadn't since last year. The compliments came heavy. I practice saying thank you and that's all--except for the occasional tag of "I feel fantastic!"

The pull-over polo style shirts really show my weight loss better than any other clothing. To me--better than how it best shows the weight loss, is the fact that  I'm not wearing them along with enormous hang-ups. I'm just wearing them, because it feels good and right.

Today's busy schedule made it very easy to rely on my activity for a calorie burn. Fitbit has given me an activity burn of almost 600 calories. I'll take it and be happy!

This is one of the busiest weekends of the year in this area. My broadcasts tomorrow include a big car show broadcast starting at 8:30am followed by a location broadcast at a grocery store, pushing their massive meat sale. I'm getting to bed now!

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 10 comments:

Thursday, June 4, 2015

June 4th, 2015 The Tweets

June 4th, 2015 The Tweets

Letting the Tweets tell the story tonight.

Well, okay--except it's Throwback Thursday and since I don't think there's a certain rule or guideline on how far you throw back on this day, I'm throwing back to last Saturday.
photo Walking her down the aisle_zpsrp4vccas.jpg
#tbt I was totally doing whatever I could to hold back an all out crying meltdown. If you look close, that expression says it all... I was about to lose it!
photo First kiss as married couple_zpsugmotz1v.jpg
#tbt The back of my head with a foreground photobomb in the first beautiful seconds of their union.

Goodnight!

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 4 comments:

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

June 3rd, 2015 Weigh Day Edition

June 3rd, 2015 Weigh Day Edition

When I write how this isn't about perfection, it's about consistency--it's certainly not a speculative theory on my part. I'm living proof. Consider all I "do wrong" in the food and exercise departments:

I don't get enough sleep. I eat way too late, too often (check out time stamp on dinner tweet tonight)--yeah--that's an extreme example--but it happens sometimes, it's okay. I haven't necessarily pushed myself with exercise--or changing it up and challenging myself too much more (other than increasing the elliptical resistance level every couple to three months. My cardio workouts are never longer than 30min on the elliptical or 60min for a good walk. My weight training routine is rarely longer than 15 minutes. And I have to push myself to hit 64 ounces of water each day--and some days I fall short. Oh--and some might suggest I drink way too much coffee and eat way too much of the same things and on and on and on... 

There was a time in my life when I tried to focus on getting every little detail in line, everything needed to be perfect because I thought, that's how it's done. I never got it done that way because it was too overwhelming. I didn't understand how consistent imperfection, aka flexibility, could work. But it does, quite well. Mainly because I'm not constantly telling myself how I'm a failure because I'm not perfect. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be consistently imperfect. 
photo weigh20day20233-6_zpsbt0ret19.jpg
Today's 58 week weigh-in showed a 3.4 pound loss. Since I always round up or down, I'm counting it as a 3 pound loss.

Interesting to me: I needed to round up. Usually I'm at .4, .2 or .0--so I'm rounding down. I'm not 100% positive--but I think this is the first round up of the last 58 weeks. Last week I weighed 237, today 234. It brings the total weight loss of this turnaround from relapse/regain to 160 pounds. I'm only 3.6 pounds away from having lost the total regain amount.

I'm severely behind on email replies and blog comment replies. I hate it when I fall behind. Just know--I may not always respond in a timely manner--but I always respond! 

photo one20million_zps85fhftmk.jpg
I crossed over the one million mark late on Monday night. In a world where things go viral and often receive that many page views within minutes, it may not seem like a very big deal. But it is to me. I'm proud of it.

My focus really hasn't been on developing the reach of this blog. There are plenty of things I haven't done to help develop the reach--and that's okay. I've focused simply on openly and honestly sharing my experiences along the way. It's grown, for the most part, organically--with a big boost from AOL in the summer of 2010.

I'm fascinated by the global reach. The idea of writing something--and publishing it immediately--and then it's read by someone on the other side of the planet seconds later--It just fascinates me to no end. I suppose it fascinates me a little more because of my lack of travel and my intense desire to travel someday. I've never left the United States. But my words travel the globe daily, so in a way--I feel connected to people I've never met and places I've only dreamed about seeing in person.

The bottom line and the number one purpose of this blog is to help me work through all I have to work through along the way. Writing in a way that's sometimes raw, personal and vulnerable, is tremendously therapeutic for me. If it helps someone else in any way--it's an incredibly fulfilling bonus. My recovery requires me to write something reflective about each day. Whether anyone reads it or not isn't the point. The fact that you're here and reading this, is an unexpected and very appreciated blessing.  

I'm proud of what I've built. The daily account and what it represents means so much to me. Thank you for being a wonderful part of my continued recovery. Within the archives, I hope you find some things helpful and consistently applicable to your own trek. Thank you for your tremendous support!

I'm not planning to go anywhere anytime soon. I plan on maintaining this daily account for a very, very long time.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 19 comments:

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

June 2nd, 2015 Jumping Off The Merry Go Round

June 2nd, 2015 Jumping Off The Merry Go Round

I ran out of time tonight! I haven't published a Tweets only edition in a while because I don't like doing that, at all. But some nights, it's necessary. But before I elect that option...

I wanted to post a couple of things I've shared recently with the private support group I co-facilitate alongside Life Coach Gerri.

This from yesterday morning:

"I'm happy to be here, Monday morning--new week, new month--wedding done, daughter married---and we all survived and thrived! Through it all, I can confidently say I maintained the integrity of my food plan. That's super important to me. All of the stress, all of the hectic schedules, all of the crazy financials--all of it...kept in its proper stream. 

 Running constant, in a separate stream: The fundamental elements of my recovery, bringing me an authentic peace and calm unlike the temporary facade excess food once provided. I'm looking forward to getting back into my regular routine!"

 The parallel streams philosophy and practice is something I'm very passionate about!

One of our members, who is experiencing incredible success by the way, mentioned how frustrating it is to lose the same pounds, again. I've experienced that perspective many times before and I agree, it is. But it's necessary in order to get to where we need to go along this road.

Keep in mind, every pound I've lost in the last 14 months have been pounds I shed the first time around. It's okay, because my peace isn't found in the numbers on the scale. 

Truly, my peace is found in the fundamental elements I've embraced, and the benefits, side effects, if you will--include moving toward my healthiest weight.

The question isn't: Can I maintain the weight loss? 

The question is: Will I maintain the fundamental elements of my recovery?

If the answer is yes and I hold them sacred forever more, I have a great chance at not needing to lose the same weight over again.

If the answer is no, then I'm choosing the madness of the merry go round.

When I gave up sugar and re-committed myself to taking extraordinary care and devoting my energy to solid recovery principles, I was effectively jumping off the merry go round.

Today was another busy one. I made time to eat well and exercise--and even enjoyed a nap before tonight's group conference support call.

Tomorrow is weigh day, again! These three week stretches seem to go very fast. I'll make my way back into the doctors office mid-morning. I'll be reaching out to a support buddy on the way in and way out, looking for valuable perspective regardless of the number on the digital readout.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 6 comments:

Monday, June 1, 2015

June 1st, 2015 One More

June 1st, 2015 One More

Today was the day for post wedding errands. I returned the tuxedos, the lights, tablecloths, four Oklahoma White Bud trees, the punch fountain and the wireless microphone system used for the ceremony audio. I asked one of the radio station's part time employees to operate my sound equipment for the ceremony and they did, flawlessly. I recruited help again today, to pick up and return the very heavy system to storage. I had plenty of exercise and lifting way before I ended up at the YMCA tonight.

I almost accepted my activity today as a workout, but I really don't like to go too long between Y trips in fear missing too many might become a habit. I did allow a compromise, only doing cardio--no weights.

It was a long and tiring day. It felt wonderful to seal the final details of it all. The entire weekend was a huge success in every way. I can't wait to see the official photos from Touch Of Wonder. Amber hired the best photographer in the region to capture the special day. I'm so glad she did! In the meantime, one more unofficial wedding photo:
photo Perfectweathertowed_zpsdiaurg4a.jpg
I'm not sure the weather could have been any better than partly sunny and 72 degrees Fahrenheit. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful ceremony. We were lucky. Around these parts, this time of year--storms come often and can pop up with little notice.
photo Courtney20and20me_zpsx8sz5k2s.jpg
A selfie with my youngest, Courtney! I've asked Courtney to kindly wait a little while before announcing any wedding plans. It was a wonderful and amazing experience, for sure, but I think we all need a little time to recover! Courtney laughed and assured me it wouldn't be a problem.

I'll let the Live-Tweets tell the rest of today's story. Goodnight!

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 6 comments:
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