Showing posts with label emotional eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional eating. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

November 18th, 2014 Here, Eat This, You'll Feel Better

November 18th, 2014 Here, Eat This, You'll Feel Better

What I'm about to share with you isn't an attempt to gain sympathy, pity or concern. It wasn't a bad thing at all, it was a good experience. And although it comes from working through the loss of my recent relationship, it isn't about her or me, in the context of that relationship. It's about processing emotions and allowing them to run their course without running for cover under a blanket of food.

My emotional development was stunted at an early age when I developed a dependency on food to buffer my emotions. For me, the answer wasn't to feel the emotions and work through them, processing the natural stages of the emotion. It was different. The routine was simple: Feel the onset of my changing emotional state--then eat, eat and eat some more, until the emotions subsided, or I forgot just how overwhelming they initially felt. And if I didn't feel better, then maybe another helping of whatever would do the trick. 

The distraction from the emotions during the joy of eating, followed by the natural effects of time on the emotions, meant I would actually feel better. I was convinced it was the food that made it all less challenging. Isn't providing a little relief what "comfort" food is all about? "Here, eat this, you'll feel better."

I never allowed my emotions to process in a healthy way without an all-you-can-eat interruption. Instead of helping me work through emotions, this quickly developed reflex was in-effect, stopping my natural emotional development in its tracks. The food gave me an illusion of being okay, while creating an emotional deficit with each occurrence.  It was very much like emotional trading. Let me borrow the illusion that I'm all better today--and I'll try to figure out how to pay for the pain some other time--just not right now, I'm eating. It's a heavy price. For me, it meant spending twenty years near, at or above 500 pounds.

Then I lost 275 pounds. Then I maintained for a year and a half. Then I faced big emotions again. Then I hit the "escape into isolation" button and ate my way to gaining back over half, all but 111 pounds.

I had zero practice at allowing emotions to take their natural course. While I did lose weight successfully and maintain for awhile, it wasn't because I had learned how to properly feel and process emotions. I enjoyed the initial success because I built up an incredible support and accountability system. And it was my immaturity in dealing with emotions that created deficits anyway, and these eventually get balanced one way or another--usually in the form of holding me back or flat out destroying anything good or potentially good, that comes along.

Allowing the emotions to run their course isn't easy. But I can honestly say that's exactly what I've been doing lately. I've felt things I didn't want to feel. I tighten my grip around the fundamentals of extraordinary care in the background by reaching out more for support and paying close attention to my behavior with food...and in the foreground of life, I allow myself to feel without buffers, without defenses--I just let it be, let it feel--let it run its course, and let it go. Suddenly, I realize feeling these emotions isn't the end of the world. It's actually the pathway to new beginnings and better days where I'm not held back. It's an entry way into a healthier existence where good and potentially good is allowed to flourish.

It was a long day today. I battled long lines at Walmart in order to grab a few things I needed after work, then I headed home--carried everything upstairs, put it all away, then I sat in my recliner and cried. 

I cried the most cleansing cry I've ever experienced. And it felt amazing to let it out. I felt it, it was exhausting. And at the same time, it was the most natural and healthy relief, ever. It was cathartic. I just sat there afterwards, letting it dry and feeling like a weight had been lifted.
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The rest of my evening was beautiful. I co-moderated my weekly weight loss support call with Life Coach Gerri, cooked an amazing meal and had a phenomenal workout at the YMCA. I'm feeling really good tonight. The melatonin is starting to kick in, so I'll let it.  

My Tweets today:
















Thank you, sincerely, for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, May 31, 2014

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

So what is it? When do we reach a point where we stop the slide? It's different for each of us, for sure, but there are similarities--things universal to the struggle.

I reached a point where I was gradually losing everything but weight. My sleep was so messed up.  I was always exhausted and this contributed to losing my ability and desire to care about myself. My weight gain was bringing back health issues I thought I'd experienced the last of, like high blood pressure and severe swelling in my right leg. And I was quickly running out of clothes to wear. My recovery actually started long before the current state of this journey. It was January of this year when I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't get help for my severe sleep issues, I might not ever be able to correct and recover.

Even after two sleep labs and the installation of a new cpap therapy, the struggle continued. This time it was in ways worse than the all out slide. I was sliding and then getting on track, then sliding again--then getting on track again--and over and over...and over.

In a recent Facebook micro-blog, I tried my best to describe the transition into stopping the slide...

"I've been trying to identify and best articulate the most critical element transforming extreme struggle into harmonious consistency. Having experienced both, it's a fascinating study. Sure, it's a combination of elements, but what is the one, that without, all the others become ineffective? Is it acceptance, where suddenly we embrace instead of reject? That's fine, but how do we get to a place of acceptance? I keep coming back to perspective. Dr. Wayne Dyer says it so perfectly: “When you change the way you look at things, things change.” The perspective we choose is paramount to our success, of course. Sometimes, finding the perspective that engages the gear you're looking for isn't as easy as someone saying, “change your perspective.” In my opinion, we first must identify, one by one—the mind noise and clutter that keeps our perspective in a locked position. It's mental work that's worth the effort. Because if we can get past these things and truly shift our perspective, suddenly what once seemed impossible becomes not only possible, it becomes our new everyday reality, a non-physical transformation where we can finally experience the seemingly elusive, harmonious consistency."

 Dave May, A good friend of mine, who's very familiar with me and with the elements of lasting recovery, added this:

 "Want. Want is first. If we don't want to change, nothing happens. Belief is second. If we don't believe we can change, nothing happens. Self awareness comes third. If we don't become aware of the inner self, the baggage of the past, the self conscious "facts" we already have in place that are working to defeat us and keep us locked into our old behavior, they will, eventually and assuredly derail any attempt to change and again, nothing happens. Change, you see is a process and there is ALWAYS a most important element. We move from one most important to the next, and sometimes we must move back to the previous most important element, which brings me to one more "most important" element: Faith. If we don't have faith, we are sure to fail. Faith that I CAN change. Faith that the mistake I just made doesn't doom me. Faith that if I get on track, or get back on track, change will come. If we lose faith, none of the other elements will matter, because we won't believe they can work. We, of course could debate the order of these elements or which is the MOST important, but after years of struggle, growth, setbacks and triumphs, I believe that is a pretty good BASE list of the "most critical elements" of transformation. Oh, and let me add one more, lest I forget it and lose all of my progress: HUMILITY. If I ever think "I've got this figured out" I will surely fail. I must remain teachable, and the first element of being teachable is a realization that I do NOT already know all that I need to know. So the list I have shared with you here is Want, Belief, Self Awareness, Faith, Humility. Odd that I should have almost forgotten humility, and then placed it last on the list. As I sit here typing, the thought occurs to me that perhaps HUMILITY should be FIRST. Perhaps that I almost didn't even think of it is the real root of my problem? Without humility NONE of the other elements could exist. I guess I don't know which is first. All I know is there are a LOT of elements to change and they are ALL the most critical. Thank you Sean for starting my day off with a good think. Now I will add a prayer to it, and I should be off to a good start."

 When a point of complete and utter desperation is reached, the proverbial "rock bottom," and it's enough to get our attention--and we sincerely want out and to find our way back...then we surrender.

 When I emailed Dr. Marty Lerner at Milestones in Recovery in Florida to inquire about the cost of a 30 day stay, my long and drawn out surrender was starting. When the cost prohibited me from remotely entertaining the option, I had to figure out something else and fast.

 But there I go again--thinking I could do it on my own, alone--and maybe then I can lose the weight I've gained and nobody outside of the people around me everyday will be the wiser.  

 I've "surrendered" before, where I threw my hands up and declared I was powerless over this and needed help. I even wrote a blog post titled "surrender," a long while back. The post included a prayer for recovery and it was powerful to me. I forgot about how I was supposed to help myself, for best results.

 So what happened? Relapse happened. But why?? Because I stopped doing the things that were working for me. 

 If you're rowing your boat across a large body of water and suddenly you stop rowing, what happens? You come to a stop, occasionally moving with the flow of the currents, you're at the mercy of the currents.  If you stay there long enough , you risk encountering things that could sink your boat. Then, as the buoyancy of the boat is compromised we cry out...why is this happening??? We stopped rowing. We stopped doing what was moving us forward, what was keeping us ahead of the storms.

My greatest struggles came after I disconnected from any semblance of spirituality within my journey, I stopped writing on a regular schedule, I stopped using my Calorie Bank, I stopped reaching out for support, I stopped reading what others were writing, I stopped relating to others, I stopped exercising, I stopped recognizing that emotional eating is supported by the lie that food has magical powers to fix things, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped everything. I stopped rowing my boat.  Suddenly when the storms came, I had nothing to fall back on--I had sacrificed it all.  I had isolated myself in the middle of nowhere nice. But still--the question...WHY???

The answer?? Because my pride and lack of humility kept me from accepting personal truths about my food addiction. I wanted to be normal, damn it. I just wanted to be a different type of person--you know, the kind who doesn't have food issues and is an intuitive eater and loves to exercise regularly--and maintaining a healthy weight is just something that comes natural...I wanted to be that person. Anything but me.  Why?? Because I didn't like me.  Because no matter what I did, I found a way to consider myself a failure. I filled my head with so many self-abusive thoughts that were untrue--I started believing them. The more weight I'd regain the more disdain I had for myself.  The daily mental beat downs kept me feeling defeated.  I constantly put myself in a down position. And eventually I lost the strength and will to get back up.

 That is, until I accepted a change in perspective. I let go of the struggle and basically said--tell me what to do!!  Whatever it is I need to do, I'll do it.

 100% of the people I've talked to who have enjoyed years and years (one with almost three decades) of uninterrupted maintenance never stopped rowing their boat. They understood, for people like us, it's something we must do for the rest of our lives. We must always be aware. Always measure and weigh our food, always take extraordinary care by maintaining an exercise schedule. Always navigate restaurants with a keen awareness of what we're ordering and doing. We must always seek support with like minded people. We must always stay connected. And another thing I've noticed about people who do what's needed for recovery--they don't eat sugar. Some even avoid wheat and flour. And they're okay with it all. In fact, they're living fuller and richer lives because of their efforts.

I've reached a point of acceptance and it feels so incredibly good.

I've written more in the last 40 days than in all of 2013 and 2012 combined. I've reconnected with my support system. I've cut out 97% of pure sugar. I've even added elements I didn't use before--like MyFitnessPal and using Twitter as a food and exercise accountability tool. I'm doing the work and it's paying off. My last weigh day showed a 25 pound loss. I haven't binged in more than 40 days and I haven't had the urge to binge either.  And I've had powerful epiphanies in regard to my identity and self worth (read my May 15th post and the one a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness.")

I'm worth the effort. I'm going to make it. So are you.

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Today was another wonderful day. I took time in preparing and enjoying my food. I had an incredible workout at the YMCA and I'm looking forward to my next weigh day on June 11th. I'm feeling smaller. My clothes are loose and people are once again starting to notice the positive changes.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

May 27th, 2014 Training Wheels On

May 27th, 2014 Training Wheels On

I'm settling down into a nice groove and it continues to feel amazing. I still have issues I must address, like time management and drinking more water. But I must say, overall I'm very pleased with myself these days.

I hosted a teleconference tonight with Life Coach Gerri and I think it went fairly well. I always think of ways I could have articulated ideas better, afterward. Of course I'm my worst critic when it comes to this stuff. One thing that came up during an answer to a question was, if after relapse I felt like I hadn't learned anything previously.  I learned so much during my initial weight loss but now, looking back I can clearly identify things that fell short. The shortcoming was in the emotional and stress eating department. The thing is, I set my support and accountability system so high, that it carried me through things I would have otherwise ran for cover from in a drive-through. I lost the last 75 pounds going through a separation and divorce. The thing I didn't stop doing under any circumstance was writing my blog every night.  I still had that strong element of support and accountability--and it gave me strength. The mistake was after the storms had passed, I thought my survival without relapse meant I had somehow found a way to end my emotional and stress eating tendencies---when really, I was carried through those times by the level of accountability and support I had built over the course of my transformation. Then...

When I stopped writing the blog everyday--and then sporadically at best--I suddenly didn't have the same support system and accountability factor... And things were okay for a almost a year and a half.  They were because everything seemed great--I was writing my book, I staying connected with people and life seemed rosy.  When it stopped being all peaches, is when suddenly I discovered I had abandoned every tool that brought me so far. Like a kid who's trying to ride a bike for the first time with the training wheels off, I stumbled time and time again. But my foolish pride kept me from re-installing the training wheels and getting back to basics... That is until the mud of one too many ditches made it very clear, I needed to get back to what worked for me.  Training wheels on!

Still, I wouldn't trade this experience, really. I needed to be humbled. I needed to see all sides of this journey. And thanks to regaining--I've been able to go back and investigate the areas where I clearly need more study. I call it a blessing in disguise, 100%.

I also didn't give my food addiction the respect and consideration it needed.  I didn't want to accept it completely. So once again, I learned the hard way--there are certain things I mustn't eat. When I consume sugar, I struggle--I binge. When I don't, no struggle and no urges to binge.  And when I'm not fighting the battle of the binge--it frees me to focus on the food and exercise fundamentals and the very important practice of maintaining my accountability and support system.

This presentation tonight was in advance of our next weekly teleconference support group.  If you're interested in signing up for the six week program starting June 3rd, please email me your intention: Sean@transformationroad.com.  The weekly support group is Tuesday evenings at 8 Eastern, 7 Central, 6 mountain, 5 Pacific.  It is very different than what we did tonight. It's a lot of one on one, exploring you and your experience--your puzzle and offering support toward helping you achieve your weight loss objectives. The weekly group includes a private Facebook group for call members only and unlimited email, text, and call support when needed. Think about it--and I'll have sign up details for you in the next couple days.

I prepared some amazing turkey enchiladas tonight. I had them oven ready before the teleconference tonight, then finished them and enjoyed the dinner shortly after.  The picture, along with everything else I eat daily, is on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson I also enjoyed an incredible workout tonight at the YMCA on the elliptical. It is getting easier and easier to handle. I'll start upping the resistance and duration very soon.

Thank you for reading and your incredible support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

May 14th, 2014 Doing Better With Food

May 14th, 2014 Doing Better With Food

I'm eating a lot better these days. It isn't easy and I certainly don't come by it naturally. It takes effort and I'm finding it's a little more expensive at the grocery store. I still eat what I like and nothing I don't, I'm just taking a little more care in the selection and preparation of my food. I'm planning better and practicing patience. I'm slowing down and discovering how much I really enjoy the process.

I baked some large mushroom caps tonight. Oh my--incredible. I filled the center with a 1/2 serving of marinara, 1/2 a 35 calorie wedge of Laughing Cow Light French Onion and topped it with a 50 calorie slice of mozzarella.  I baked it at 350 for 40 minutes (probably too long--25-30 would work). It was like eating a mini mushroom pizza without the crust.  It was phenomenal.  I used Newman's Own All Natural Marinara. After dinner I looked at the label and discovered it contained sugar.  Hmmmm. I'm doing a fantastic job staying away from simple sugar and the results have been wonderful. The results I'm talking about is no binges and no crazy mind fights thinking about a binge. I'm not sugar free, after all sugar is listed as an ingredient in my 10 calorie a teaspoon non-flavored coffee creamer. But I've cut it most everywhere else. In fact, I may have cut it out completely except for the coffee creamer because I can't pinpoint any other obvious source.  I'll be looking for a sugar free marinara or I'll make it myself. Tomatoes and spices--and I will be making the mushroom pizza caps again.  Mushroom Pizza Caps...I like that name.

The sugar/binge/urge to binge correlation is something you hear people talk about all the time.  And for the longest time I didn't want to believe it or accept it. Now that I'm a little more studied on how addiction works, I believe and fully accept. It helps that I've opened my mind enough to hear what the people around me are saying.

I don't feel deprived either. I'm eating, I'm hardly ever hungry and I'm focused. And that's a huge blessing for me.

The workout tonight was cut short at 20 minutes when my neck started bothering me.  I slept on it wrong or something and now there's a low hum of tension that's hard to ignore. I was distracted. 20 minutes on that killer machine is still good. And I'll be back on it tomorrow.

I'm headed to bed with the my calorie bank closed until tomorrow.  I post a picture and calorie count of everything I eat on Twitter (@SeanAAnderson), you're welcome to check it out. I've developed hashtag for the last thing I eat everyday. It's #lastfoodofday.  That simple hashtag puts a bookend on my food and sends a message to my brain: That's it, Calorie Bank closed, come back in the morning!

I must pay closer attention to my time management. I upset my sleeping schedule over the weekend by staying up too late both nights. I'm still trying to correct. I am sleeping better with the new mask. Much better, actually.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good

May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good

The young man I wrote about in last night's blog did a fantastic job on the air this morning. Anyone who listened had to agree. He called at precisely 6:40am to the second and I went straight to air with his call. No pre-air chat prior and he handled it like a pro.  If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. I can't count how many people I've tried to interview, most of them about their own business--and they can't do it. The thought of broadcasting live over the air and knowing people are listening is too much for some to handle. But not this young man, not this morning. He was on. And he was awesome.

By the way, if you're not local to me and you want to listen to my morning show, you can online and even on your smart phone.  The phone app is called FreeStreams...download it, then search for 100.7FM KPNC. On your PC or Tablet, visit www.poncacitynow.com and click the "listen live" drop down menu, then select KPNC.  I should have included that in last night's post.

The way I've felt lately reminds me of the very early days of this blog. The level of determination to reclaim my healthiest weight is very much iron clad.  What's great about this time around is understanding myself so much better than before.

I'm also of the mindset, I'd like to have a do-over on being at a healthy weight. I wasn't equipped to properly handle it before. I was dealing with so many new experiences and emotions I didn't expect while I was living at goal.  In some ways, I felt like a stranger to myself. When I started to regain, it was almost like an attempt to get back to the place where I was most comfortable emotionally. Not physically, of course, but emotionally.  Anyone who's lost a "looks like a completely different person" amount of weight knows what I'm talking about when I say it felt strange to look in the mirror or at pictures...is that really me? I don't see myself like that when I close my eyes. I don't remember having a dream where I was at a healthy weight. I was still a morbidly obese person in my dreams.  It was as if my brain was rejecting the new me. This isn't an excuse of any kind, it's simply an interesting dynamic. I quickly realized all of my problems didn't magically go away because I was physically different at 230 pounds. I was so disappointed.  I often talked and wrote about this other work involved, but clearly I was hoping it would be far less work.

What it says to me is this: The inside work is just as crucial as the food and exercise. And ultimately, the inside work will not be denied. If it's ignored, it will assert itself in whatever way it needs to get the attention and care it demands and rightly deserves. Failed relationships? Did it. Self-destructive behaviors? Yep. Gaining back over half the weight I lost despite having so many wonderful reasons to take the best care? Of course.

The goal now is a more balanced approach. It's an approach where I pay just as much attention to what I need emotionally and spiritually, as I do to what I need physically. I want to speak to a group someday, just as Phil Werdell did last week, and talk about my 27 years of recovery and maintenance. Or as Gerri does all over the world with her 21 years of maintenance.

What's the best thing about feeling the way I do right now, today? It's discovering that the horribly hopeless thoughts I had while in free fall were all lies. It ISN'T impossible to reclaim the resolve and peace we once enjoyed. I know how it feels to be so out of control, in such a cold dark place---where thought after thought is diametrically opposed to what's better and you feel compelled, like your choices are not your own, as if you're possessed and being taken for a ride you'd rather not take...but you can't get it to stop. Or so it seems. If that's where you are, please believe me--it's not what it seems. There is hope. Don't give up, okay?? Please don't.

The truth is, you may not be a food addict. Seriously! You may be an emotional/stress eater, but not a food addict. Or maybe you're both, like me. If you want to get a better idea, visit foodaddiction.com where you'll find some key questions to ask yourself, questions that can help you have a better understanding one way or the other.

My Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today.  I had a craving for chili dogs yesterday so I grabbed some 98% fat free turkey dogs, some turkey chili and some swiss, among several other things. I put together a couple of Turkey Swiss Chili Dogs for dinner tonight--and oh wow, only 190 calories each.  It'll be a long while before I want those again, but I'll claim a victory in finding a way to change the errant, once in a blue moon chili dog thought, into something I could easily fit into my budget. I also cut up a small sweet potato and baked 'em into homemade sweet potato fries.  The pictures are all on my Twitter feed.

I had a good, sweaty, wonderful workout on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA tonight. Thank you Katrina and The Waves for the boost. I agree, it's time to feel good.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, May 11, 2014

May 11th, 2014 Mother's Day Out

May 11th, 2014 Mother's Day Out

Today was a good day off work.  I slept in, prepared a wonderful breakfast, made a trip to Stillwater for lunch with Mom on Mother's Day and I came home and cooked a good meal for dinner.

Mom and I enjoyed lunch at a place called McAlister's Deli.  I hadn't been there before, mom had and she assured me it was very good.  My main thing when dining out is nutritional information. I immediately scanned the menu and didn't see any counts. So I asked for a nutritional pamphlet and I was told all of the information was online, which I had already searched for and was having trouble finding. So I said, "surely you have something with printed nutritional information, somewhere."  And yes, they did.  But they only had one copy. The manager was very nice and allowed me to look it over before ordering as long as I promised to give it back. I settled on the McAlister's Club 1/2 sandwich and a cup of fire roasted vegetable soup with four saltines for a total of 446 calories. I finished and was still slightly hungry and since I had plenty of room in my calorie budget, I started thinking about what I could order next.

This could have been where it all goes bad.  And I almost ordered another 1/2 sandwich, but settled on another cup of soup and 4 more crackers, for an additional 116 calories.  Turns out that was all I needed, because I felt satisfied afterward.

Mom and I had a great conversation, not necessarily about food and exercise--no, we always go deeper. We talked about our experiences and the mental and emotional dynamics of why we do or don't do things. It was a good talk and a wonderful Mothers Day.

I have a list of certain foods I will not keep around my apartment. The list has grown, especially over the last couple of years.  It's a trial and error kind of thing.  I once thought I could keep a box of low calorie reduced fat ice cream treats in the freezer...and I do well when I'm sharing with someone else, but alone it's another story.  I'll keep going back until they're gone.  On the list it goes.  Block cheddar cheese...OMGoodness, I love block cheddar--especially extra sharp.  But again, it's one of those foods I get a little crazy around. Peanut butter--when my oldest daughter Amber was living with me, she would occasionally buy peanut butter.  After one too many trips to the jar I requested she hide the jar where I wouldn't look.  Guess what? That didn't work either. One night, okay--check that--several nights, I'd go on the hunt and eventually find the jar...In the laundry room...very sneaky...she even hid it in a small metal container on an overhead shelf. I knew I had a problem with peanut butter long before I asked her to hide the jar (that I found every time), I suppose I was greatly underestimating my addiction.  What else is on the list?  Let's see...

Bagged chips of any kind
sugar (of course)
Cottage cheese (I occasionally make an exception as long as it's the small container--because even if I ate the whole thing, it would only set me back 400 and something calories.)
Cookies
snack cakes
or any other sugar filled thing
pretzels
saltine crackers (I only eat these in controlled portions, either in a restaurant or as a guest in somebody else's home.)


I bring this topic up because I bought a wheel of Laughing Cow Light Swiss cheese spread wedges last night. As I ate the first two, I tweeted the picture with "Grabbed a wheel of these tonight. I'll see if I can control myself around them..."

There's only two left...24 hours later.  At 35 calories each, not too big of a deal. But I'm being very cautious and very aware of my behavior.

I haven't felt this solid and headed in the right direction since my initial weight loss and that feels amazing.  because I'll tell you--when you're out of control and gaining weight, it sometimes feels as if it's impossible to ever get back in control again.  It's a scary place to be. I've been there.  And I'm here to report and prove, it's not impossible.

I'm so happy, so blessed to be in the mindset I am now--once again.  And now, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to protect it.  That's why I'm documenting each day every night on this blog and that's why I'm tweeting pictures and calorie counts of every single thing I eat--along with the corresponding MyFitnessPal entry. It is what I need to do for me. You're welcome to join me on both!  Twitter: @SeanAAnderson And I'm simply SeanAAnderson on MyFitnesspal.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, April 28, 2014

April 28th, 2014 Turning Off The Self-Judgment

April 28th, 2014 Turning Off The Self-Judgment

I'm a creature of habit. My breakfast menu usually has two options: Eggs and sometimes cheese, wrapped in a Joseph's 60 calorie pita, or placed on a 100 calorie sandwich thin if the pitas aren't available. Or steel cut oats and perhaps a few scrambled egg whites. Rarely, in a tight pinch—if I wake up too late to prepare, I've allowed a fruit and maple oatmeal and scrambled eggs or a fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonald's. I've pretty much concluded the McDonald's Oatmeal and the parfait options need to go simply because each contain a significant amount of sugar. And for me, sugar is like a drug.

Is it possible for me to start my day with a double dose of sugar and still maintain my calorie budget throughout the day? Yes, I've done it. But, in making those choices I'm choosing to make things much harder. And just to be fair—I've started the day like that many times before and spiraled out of control in a feeding frenzy before sundown, check that—before noon. This cause and effect self-analysis isn't something I've always considered or realized about myself, it's a fairly new epiphany, as in the last couple of years.

When someone is just getting started and they ask me for advice, I stand behind exactly what I did from the beginning. I tell them to maintain a calorie budget and exercise, period. I tell them, “eat what you like and nothing you don't. Don't complicate this process. Get accustomed to eating less, naturally. Focus on maintaining the integrity of your calorie budget and you'll naturally evolve into making better choices along the way.” And I go on: “You can get fancy later. If you're like I was, simply cutting down to an intake best suited for weight loss is a big enough victory in the beginning. Start with this and allow your natural evolution of good choices to unfold.” Of course the conversation also turns to the emotional and psychological side of this very big battle most of us have in common. We all know this is about much more than food and exercise.  

I find myself in an awkward position lately. I have traveled over five years along this road and I've learned a great deal about myself and now I tend to be more critical of my own food choices. And some of those, like the sugar, for good reason. But what happens is, if I choose something that I've mentally noted isn't good for me, I immediately bring about negative feelings about what I'm doing. Does this make sense? I can make myself feel like a failure even when the choice fit nicely within my Calorie Bank and Trust. Even if it's something I enjoyed and even celebrated along the way of my initial success.

I didn't eat fruit and maple oatmeal from McDonald's this morning or a parfait. I did prepare my usual eggs and cheese wrapped in a Joseph's pita—and it was delicious. I had some fresh fruit for snacks and I enjoyed a fabulous lunch and dinner too. So where does this line of thought come from? I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. It takes me so much longer to shop now because I'm judging everything I put into my basket. Why am I doing this to myself? I believe it's because I've raised the bar of expectation very high. And while it's good to raise the bar as you go and ascend to new confident levels—I must recognize when retreating to the basics is imperative for my stability. If I continue to struggle living up to the highest expectations I've set for myself, then I'll continue to be disappointed in myself when I fall a little short. And the negative consequences of those emotions are not acceptable any longer.

I am retreating to the basics with a few exceptions. Anything high sugar or high fat is a minefield for me, so I'll tread lightly or not at all with those. I'm more specifically proclaiming: I will be less self-critical and self-judgmental. Because here's the bare truth: The barriers I've created within myself via shame and guilt—the avoiding pictures, the dreading public appearances and doing my best to avoid seeing people I haven't in a long while for fear they'll judge me or be disappointed in me---these barriers have been built with my own self-judgment and disappointment in me...and I've been amplifying and projecting it upon others. No more of that insanity. My fear of receiving this from others is actually a reflection of my own judgment!

In order to return to my healthiest weight and be more fit than ever, I have to embrace where I am, who I am and what I'm doing. And feel good about it 100%. And be kind to myself. Is it hard sometimes? Yes it is, very. And I don't necessarily understand all of the psychological dynamics of why I treat myself the way I do sometimes. But I know for certain that breaking this habit of self-sabotage is key to the healthiest visions of my future.

I'm headed to the trail for a good walk. It'll compliment all the stair climbing I did today. I don't even count the stair climbing normally—but today I noticed because it was unusually high between work and home, maybe 20 flights of stairs? That's fairly accurate.

I can't even begin to express how much consistently writing is helping me. It makes all the difference in the world. I look forward to so many incredible things ahead.

I'd love you to join me on twitter: @SeanAAnderson and on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading and for your incredible support,
Strength,

Sean  
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Saturday, April 19, 2014

What's Going On With Me? Part Two

What's Going On With Me? Part Two

There's an interesting psychological dynamic that unfolds when you lose a dramatic amount of weight and then gain some of it back, or a lot of it back.  I'm convinced this dynamic is exactly what makes successfully losing again seem more difficult. Suddenly, it becomes much more than controlling our calorie budgets, exercising and paying attention to our emotional state and the accompanying triggers. Now, we must do a little more "mental work" as we do our best to get past the guilt, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and put our focus squarely where it's most benefiting. This dynamic is powerful no matter if you blogged about your weight loss and wrote a book or not.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day, fighting the urge to grab a dose of sugar, when a man came up behind me in line and said, "Sean Anderson, I read your book. You've gained some back."  Two things happened in that moment: 1. I immediately lost any desire to grab a Snickers bar and 2. I felt a rush of guilt, shame and embarrassment.  Now, most people operate with a better set of filters. This scenario has played out more than a few times, but usually the other person doesn't vocalize the obvious.  Even when the obvious isn't stated, I'm real good at deciding exactly what they're thinking. The silent-mental conclusion is always much more harsh and unforgiving and likely inaccurate.

How will I ultimately overcome this added obstacle? Perspective. Shifting my perspective is paramount to my success today.

Inventory time!  This is where I make a list of good and not as good, qualities...and you know what?  I'll spare you the self-indulgent list and cut to the chase: Turns out I'm a pretty decent guy. Yay for that!

I'm human. I'm real. I don't know everything. I'm always open to learning.  And the things I'm learning now are things crucial to my long term success.  I'm not saying weight gain after a dramatic loss was a good thing, but if I shift my perspective around I can clearly see where I can learn from and benefit from this experience.

As this blog moves forward, I'm going to get into more of a "diary" type mode, much like in the beginning. Less "here's what I think" and more "Here's what I did and am doing." I'm excited at the idea of getting back to the roots of this blog.  Back to a diary in the purest sense. You see, I tend to suffer from paralysis by analysis. I try to understand things from every angle, take it apart, dissect the elements, reach conclusions, maybe write about my personal philosophical conclusions and then when I struggle, it's back to the drawing board.  We can study ourselves and learn, learn, learn--the applying part is the critical step that's often times hindered by the exhaustive analysis.

Much like advice I've given a hundred times to others: It's time to stop trying to figuring everything out and just do. Just be. And be okay. And move forward.  After all, much of what I learned while losing 275 pounds, I learned along the way.  Had I stopped back then to "study" it all, I would have never experienced the initial success.

Taking better care of me is critical.  The sleep issue is my main focus and concern. My appointment Thursday with the sleep specialist resulted in a prescription for Nuvigil (thank you for the suggestion, Joe!) And some suggested "positional therapy." The bottom line was: Get fit and this will dramatically improve or become a non-issue.  I told him how even at 230 I was having serious sleep issues.  He then asked, "How fit were you at 230?"  Mmmmm... And I asked, "Are you suggesting I need muscle, work out with weights?" And he told me it could make a major difference.  Body composition is important to this issue. It certainly makes sense.  And once again I'm reminded of the awesome responsibility I have in taking better care.  It's all up to me. I've understood this for awhile, cementing in my mind during the initial weight loss. It's interesting how another issue comes along and it becomes convenient to overlook this part. It is up to me.  I can dramatically improve my life.  Basically, I can choose change before change chooses me.  Yes, it all comes back to this very real truth.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, March 6, 2014

Chasing Endorphins

Chasing Endorphins

I hadn't made it a quarter mile when the burning in my legs started whining. I decided to focus on the music and not my legs. Would I get a 5K in this evening? Probably not and that's okay. I'm not back there just yet. At about the 3/4 mile point I noticed my legs feeling better and stronger. I was determined to make it at least 1.7 miles. By the time the 2nd lap of the trail was finished, I was so into my music and feeling good--I pushed it another lap, ending with a solid 2.64 miles. That's fantastic. I honestly felt like stopping that first 1/4 mile, but as I alternated between air guitar and air drums, I was thinking about how it was when I first embarked on this trail September 15th, 2008 at 505 pounds. I only made it 1/4 mile on that first day because I was convinced another step further would literally kill me. I knew pushing it tonight wouldn't kill me and I was after those mood altering endorphins. And I got 'em, I got 'em good.

I left the trail feeling accomplished. I felt proud and happy. I made it to the store, picked up a few ingredients I needed to prepare dinner and I cooked a meal I felt good about.

Today was a good day. The choices I made alleviated the familiar struggle I often feel in the evenings. Morning to late afternoon is often the easiest time of day for me because it's more structured with my work schedule. The evening is up to me. And when there aren't any boundaries and I'm free to navigate my evening in whatever way I choose--that's when it's the toughest.

I confided in a friend recently about how I felt like I was on the verge of a calorie bank meltdown. Instead, on that particular evening, I went to bed uncharacteristically early (7:10pm), thus avoiding what felt inevitable. It wasn't a bad move, really. I did what I felt I needed to do in that moment in order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget. But after tonight, I must question, had I exercised, how would I have felt at 7pm that particular evening? I'm betting I would have been in a much stronger mindset, influenced by the bio-chemical reactions released by exercise.

It's a positive momentum dynamic. I exercise, I feel better, I struggle less (or not at all) and I ultimately feel great about my choices. And good inspires more of the same. I must keep this in mind the next time I'm on the fence about whether or not to exercise.

I'm a pro at finding fantastic reasons why I shouldn't exercise on any particular day. Granted, I've had legitimate circumstances for a while now because of my sleep issues. But now that these are being treated, I'm getting more rest. And suddenly a long work day doesn't seem like a good enough escape clause. And why would I avoid exercise anyway? I do quite often. But I can't recall ever regretting a good workout. Isn't that interesting? I always feel better afterward. Always. And since I listen to my favorite tunes while I'm doing it, I'm actually having a blast, (see the air guitar and air drums reference above.) I've even went so far as to play air piano, air violin and air upright base.  Will somebody see me? (Somebody did this evening--I know, because they mentioned it on my facebook post) I don't care if they see me! This is what I mean when I talk about becoming "lost in the music." This is why I prefer to workout alone. My exercise time is my time to dream within the rhythm of the songs that inspire me. I've compromised before, trying not to embarrass my walking partner: I would often curb my enthusiasm. I will not curb my enthusiasm ever again! So if you've ever asked me to walk with you and I haven't accepted, please don't take it personal. It's just me being me...gloriously me!  

 I've noticed a major positive difference since declaring to be more self-compassionate. The guilt and shame of regain is pretty much gone. I give an incredible amount of credit to the numerous people who have come forward, sharing their own stories of regain. Feelings of shame and guilt prefer to be alone for optimal growth. And because so many have shared with me their stories and their hope, I know I'm not alone, ever.
Getting back on track has been another big factor in alleviating the brutally abusive thoughts and resulting emotions. I know where I'm headed. And it feels good to be going in a positive direction. The hopeless feelings of a downward spiral always feel that way because of the decent. When we're back up and moving in a positive direction we suddenly realize there is hope after all.

I better wrap this up. I've enjoyed some wonderful perspectives on facebook recently. The other day I posted:

"I've heard from several people recently who have told me they're “starting over." First, realize you're not completely starting over. Now, you're armed with new information about yourself—some you may not have considered before now. Every “failed” weight loss attempt in my life wasn't a failure, it was a teacher. With this new perspective--approach with simplicity, confidence, and joy. And know: This time will be unlike any other because the focus is heavy on YOU and the real changes you desire,—the ones you once thought impossible...they're not, they're yours for the choosing."

Michael Prager, Author of "Fat Boy, Thin Man" commented:
 "I start over every morning, regardless of how yesterday went. I only have today."

Isn't that the most wonderful perspective we can embrace? What if we let go of yesterday and fully embraced today? Now, if yesterday was awesome, then fine---but still, today is all we have. Truly, this is a one day at a time road we're traveling.

I invite you to friend me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505 On Twitter: @SeanAAnderson and on My Fitness Pal: SeanAAnderson

I keep most of my food pics and "in the moment" type stuff on twitter. I micro-blog and interact on facebook and I log my daily calorie bank, exercise and water consumption on My Fitness Pal.  And of course, this blog is...well, you're here...

Thank you for reading,
Goodnight and...
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, February 23, 2014

Of Clarity and Perspective

Of Clarity and Perspective

Just a day after my Monday appointment, I received the call about my sleep study results, including the pressure needed and the home health prescription. The same day, the home health place called and starting working on my insurance company about getting me a new machine.  More on that in a moment!

Wednesday I transported mom to her eye specialist in Oklahoma City. I've been preoccupied during so many visits with mom and she notices every time (call it a mother's intuition). I can't count the times she's asked, "What's wrong, son?" or "Is everything okay?" And most of the time I would sugar coat my answer in an attempt to save her from worry. But she knew. She always knows when I'm "out of alignment" with my truest self. And instead of me "saving her" from worry by clamming up, her concern becomes amplified, because now she must play a guessing game as to what's wrong with her son.

Something was very different during this time we spent together. The difference maker is, I'm taking good care and I'm on the right track. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm maintaining a calorie budget again and I'm dealing with all stressful triggers head on, instead of ignoring them and simply managing the stress they create. We all know how I choose to manage stress. In other words, I'm taking charge of my life on different levels. I'm treating the root cause and not just managing the symptoms, if you will. My preferred treatment of "symptoms" is to eat, and eat some more, taking a temporary escape route where nothing is solved, only made worse by the added guilt and shame that floods in after the brief hiatus from caring. At that point, everything negative is magnified, the result of my natural coping mechanism.

It isn't easy to break away from these dynamics. Not easy at all. But when we declare our independence from these ingrained ways, positive things start clicking and we have some of the purest interactions with the ones we love.  My trip with mom on Wednesday was one of the best we've had. Mom's eyes are doing great, by the way. Again--no surgery needed and another checkup was set for late June. Mom said "I've laughed more this morning than I have in a very long time." I live to see that woman smile and her laugh is music to my ears. We discussed issues important to both of us, with some serious points along the way, but for the most part, we enjoyed observational humor and improvised "stand-up." It was pure joy to laugh so hard and feel so free and once again enjoy our time together, instead of being preoccupied with the countless distractions the quicksand of a downward spiral brings about.

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Getting the call from the home health supply place was good. A new machine with precisely the settings I needed was waiting for me. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed this paper attached to the wall:

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I can personally attest to most of this list. If my recent doctors check up is any indication, I may have dodged the cardiovascular health issue, at least for now. It would have become a much more serious issue had I let it go, unchecked and rampant, without putting on the brakes and admitting it needed immediate attention.

I left their office with a new machine and a truckload of hope and anticipation of the incredible differences being properly rested will bring. I've had three nights on this new machine and the difference is profound. It isn't perfect as I try to get accustomed to a new headgear and mask, but even with this adjustment period, I still feel more rested than I have in three years. Exactly as I hoped.

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A little more than a month ago, I received a message from a man who said he wanted to meet and talk about his weight issues. He told me we had communicated once before about this, but now more than ever, he was ready to sit down and discuss how to start, because like many of us at one time or another, he was stuck in the place where the question "Where and how do I start" weighs heavier than any number we've seen on a scale.  We set a time to meet face to face at the studio and we talked for a while before walking to Subway for a low calorie dinner. If you condensed the resolution to our discussion down to three words, it was "keep it simple."

We met up again Thursday evening and it was a different man in front of me. He was thrilled with the simplicity of using My Fitness Pal for calorie counting. He had been maintaining his calorie budget despite an upside down schedule and a high stress kind of job that takes him to the streets of North Tulsa five nights a week. His recent doctors appointment showed a loss of 6 pounds. He's gained a confidence, calm and patience that was shining through with every word and expression.

He thanked me for taking the time to meet with him again and discussing this road we both travel. And I thanked him. Because let me tell you something---as much as he thinks I'm doing him a favor...he's doing me one equally significant. The support we give and receive is so crucial to our success. And he's the one doing this. He's the one shifting his perspective and making the big and small adjustments. He's the one inspiring, not only me, but everyone around him. He has a very positive road ahead and I'm honored to be riding shotgun.

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I received an email today from someone who has devoted the last several years to his education and in that pursuit has accomplished his goal of starting a profession that will serve him and many others for the rest of his life. As he prepares for the most difficult final exam of his new career, he was questioning if his reluctance to fully commit to losing weight and the better health it provides was justified or if using his intense education schedule as the barrier, was simply a "cop out." I spent some time thinking about and composing my reply and I think it's something very important to remember:

Whether it's a cop out or not depends on your perspective. My opinion is, it's a valid reason. That's my perspective. And there's a good reason for this perspective.

We both know that it was/is completely possible to take care of our calorie budget and exercise no matter the circumstances. I think we both agree there's a place, a zone that exist, where it doesn't matter...nothing penetrates...no stress, situation, emotion, nothing...nothing, nothing stands in the way... And that's all well and good, except it's missing something.

It's missing the element of self-compassion. When we're in that zone, we set the bar so high that suddenly any deviation whatsoever--even if not acted upon....yes, any deviation, even in thought---becomes a target for self-ridicule and negative emotions.  And that negativity starts an unraveling, then suddenly we feel like we're a million miles away again. This dynamic starts with a resolve based on perfection. Not necessarily perfection in our choices...but perfection in our consistent ability to maintain the budget and exercise.  When our thoughts and actions fail to live up to this level of perfection, we turn on ourselves with blame, guilt and shame...
We must include a level of compassion for ourselves.

I believe the pursuit isn't perfection, it's pursuit of a balance. That balance we're looking for is a place where eating good and exercising naturally becomes part of our daily lives, no matter what we're experiencing. And we accept that it doesn't need to be perfect. We accept that we shouldn't label every circumstance an "excuse" or "cop out." And we know the difference because we're intelligent people. In this "compassionate state," I believe we're actually able to accomplish more than we did before and in a more solid, sustainable fashion--because we're not sabotaging our emotions with negativity.  So the simple answer to your question is, no, it's not a cop out. 

This issue has been a big factor for me this time. This whole self-compassion dynamic has been key for me the last six weeks. I'm practicing compassion and I'm finding balance and success. It's like I'm learning to crawl again, lifting myself up and eventually walk again and then, I will run again. The pressure to be "perfect" has been dismissed, replaced by the ruling majority of better choices and taking one day at a time, one step at a time. And I'll get to where I envision and I'll arrive stronger than I ever imagined.

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Proud grandfather alert!!!
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The video below is my grandson Noah a day after he figured out how to crawl. He too is off to the races and soon he'll be walking, running and jumping. He doesn't ever have impatient thoughts about his development, because he hasn't developed the references needed to form and qualify them. Instead, he happily, confidently and patiently proceeds, doing his best...growing and learning, and progressing on a schedule unique to him. My tender connection to him was never more profound as it was while watching him become emotional and fight against taking his medicine. Without thought, my lip started to quiver and emotion swept through me, as if we had transmitting cables connected between us, feeling each others emotion on the deepest level. Dear Lord, I love that boy.



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Now that I'm feeling better rested, it's time to exercise more regularly. That's my plan as I continue on, maintaining my 1700 calorie budget. Giving and receiving support is a must-have element to my success. I'd love for you to connect with me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) and My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson).

I'm teaming up once again with Gerri Helms to offer a weekly conference call support group where our small group gets on the phone and we talk about this road, we set individual goals, we share stories and we offer one another tremendous support. This group starts Tuesday March 4th at 7pm Central and every Tuesday after for 6 weeks. The group chemistry that naturally develops through our shared pursuits and struggles, is significantly positive. We still have some spots available in this group if you're interested. For more information, simply send me an email: Sean@transformationroad.com

Thank you for reading and your tremendous support,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, February 14, 2014

A Familiar Determination

A Familiar Determination

Today is Valentines Day and what would have been my little brother Shane's 37th birthday. If you've read my book, the chapter titled "Shane's Gift," then you know how much Shane meant to me, and still means to me today.
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This photo is Mom and Shane before his high school prom.  He loved putting on the tuxedo!

I've been doing very well lately. I feel a familiar determination I haven't felt since my initial weight loss.  More and more, I'm exploring valid reasons why I deserve to feel better. In the heat of temptation or cravings, or both, I pause long enough to think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.  If it seems to be a "driven" type thing--then I quickly text someone and explain the situation. Then it's better.

The pursuit this time is different from before. Having been there, I know what it's like to be at goal and live in the smaller clothes and have this normal sized reflection staring back at me in the mirror. So the mystery is gone, the anticipation of what it will be like isn't the same as before. So my goals have changed.

I don't know if it will be 230, or 220, or 250...It really isn't about a number this time. It's about taking care and living a balanced life with food. If I live a balanced life with food and exercise, I'll not be overweight.  And whatever I need to do to maintain a healthy balance and relationship with food, is what I'll do. Meetings, support groups, writing and of course, texting when I'm tempted to seek comfort in food or seemingly driven toward sugar and high fat items. I will continue seeking out and confronting issues in my life that need handled instead of trying to smother them with food.

So that's my goal. And there isn't an end date. For someone like me, maintaining this balance will be an everyday discipline, required in order to live at a healthy body weight. The biggest mental hurdle is accepting and being okay with that requirement.  It's important to come to terms and realize, this isn't a temporary reprieve I'm after. I want to feel better the rest of my life.

Speaking of feeling better. I'm about to head South for Stillwater where I'm spending a couple of hours with mom before heading over to Stillwater Medical Center for my next sleep study. Tonight should be the best sleep possible.  If all goes well, I'll feel more rested than I have at any time in the last three years.

I keep updates on Facebook and Twitter, plus My Fitness Pal.  I'd love you to join me on those other social media outlets!

I'll write more over the weekend.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

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I had a chance to visit my grandson Noah last night. He has pink eye and in this photo he was fresh from the doctor. He has good medicine and he'll shake it in record time, I'm sure! He so cute!!

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This is one of my favorite pictures of mom and me. It was January 2012 at my Hastings book signing.
Looking forward to seeing mom this evening!
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Sunday, February 9, 2014

Why I Do What I Do

Why I Do What I Do

 Someone asked me the other day why I share the way I do and why it's so important to me. They suggested, in their opinion, I sometimes "over-share." They were interested in the motivation behind my efforts.  Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood? 

 My response started with a question. What is it about what I do, that stirs you to the point of having these questions? Do I touch a nerve or two? Does what I write and share occasionally hit home on points too uncomfortable to handle, so instead of questioning yourself, your defenses go up in the form of questioning my motivation? 

 Only two people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it. 
I suppose it's very hard for some to grasp. 

 This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years. Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing. I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.

 I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways. Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things...And I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else, really. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, is as good as I can do. 

 Occasionally, I might write a piece as if I were in the middle of the fall--kind of a time traveling concept...might be fun and therapeutic for me.  But maybe not. I mean really, could be kind of scary. 

 I also don't do this for money. Yes, I would very much enjoy doing what I do for a living and there isn't anything wrong with that at all. But to this point, the relatively small financial reward hasn't been a big component of what I do (Just ask my creditors!). 

The last sentence of my Day 1 entry still holds true, "I believe it will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track."  Pretty simple.

 That's what it's all about. I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me, to help me and when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all. 

 I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.  

 There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.

 Jon in Wisconsin is someone who's story completely moved me. He's blogging now on Spark People, so if you have a Spark People account, I highly recommend connecting with him. His Spark People ID: WEWRTFO 
He recently wrote a blog entry about how we came to know one another. Here's an excerpt:

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 Back in February of 2012 I stumbled upon his book on Amazon, at the time I did not know Sean. I found the reading of the book absolutely riveting and powerful. Being similar weight, height and body type the motivation from his book hit me like a home run. At the time I was a very private person and not one willing to discuss my own weight issues with others. 

I took at chance and emailed Sean hoping for a response. Here are some quotes from my original email. 

( " thank you for help me grasp, come to terms with what I need to do, have been wanting to do, have been putting off the past 20 years.") ("Yeah, definitely over ready almost as if your book was written for me. The mental aspect part of it and being accountable for my own actions.") ("Perhaps what sticking most in my mind is I see a mirror image of myself reading your book.") 

I was very excited having Sean respond. Here is some very powerful quotes I will never forget in the first email Sean sent me. 

("Okay--after reading your story--I must say, I can't wait to see your transformation!!! Jon--you're discovering something so wonderfully liberating....You have the key---and you're free now...The weight will come off without struggle when you exercise this power you have to choose change.") ("on--this is about getting to know yourself---and getting super self-honest with yourself. You have all of the answers already. Look in the mirror and realize---when you do---you're looking at the only person in the world that's gonna do this like no other--or fail...either way---in the mirror is the one responsible for the turnout....Nobody else--and nothing else....no person, place, thing, circumstance, emotion----Nope....)") 
"(Steel curtain zone it, Jon....Tighten your SCZ---and decide you're going to live like never before. Jon---YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ") 

Back in February of 2012 this was very powerful motivation, a man who truly cares about helping others with there own weight issues, and have stayed in touch with Sean ever since. If not for Sean, I would not be blogging or have created my Spark People page. Since February 2012 I often visit Sean's blog archive or read his newest post. Sometimes pick up his book or exchange emails. My one constant go to source that has enabled me to get to the point where I am at today. I encourage anybody who has not read Sean's book, please do so. Thank's Sean for being such a great friend and motivator! 

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 This is why I do what I do.

 The only thing missing from my response to Jon back then, was how important it is to connect with your spiritual side. Whatever that is, is totally up to you and your understanding. And for some, this connection is very natural, going hand in hand with making changes. But for me it's been a learned element through trial and error. I've always been one to learn things the more challenging way. But in that, I've learned a great deal I might not have otherwise. We're not alone along this road, ever. 

 Someone who recently purchased one of my "I'm Choosing Change" adjustable leather bracelets
sent a very nice message describing her recent grocery store situation:

 "Today is two weeks since I started eating healthy again and exercising minimally , but have managed to lose 10lbs. At the store last night, for no good reason other than habit, I walked up to the ice cream section, opened the door and reached for my all time favorite non-narcotic drug of choice, but mid-reach, as I spotted my bracelet, I thought to ask myself if the calories and self- loathing to follow my treat will be worth it, and I imagined you and all of your supporters there with me in that moment, as I allowed the door to close. I continued to shop, without a battle raging in my head for and against the ice cream. It was like an out of body experience thinking of all the other people out there who say no too, and made it, in that moment, easier than it has ever been in my recent memory to walk away empty handed. Thanks Sean"

 Reading this also empowers me! Do you think I could possibly be in the frozen "treats" section of my local grocery store without remembering this message? No way. We've helped her. And she's helped us. 

 This is why I do what I do.

 I would love for you to connect with me on My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson), Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505) and Twitter (@SeanAAnderson). Each of these social media platforms have a different type content and do different things for me. I post a bunch of food pictures to Twitter. My daily food diary is public on My Fitness Pal and Facebook is a place where I connect with friends the most, often through what I call "micro-blogs" and various other postings.

 Quick update on where I am: I'm keeping a 1700 calorie budget. I haven't been exercising regularly, yet, and that's okay for the moment. I'm having another sleep study the night of the 14th to at last determine the proper therapy enabling me to finally feel fully rested. My doctors appointment that was the 11th had to be rescheduled for the 17th and that's when I'll have my first official weigh-in since "coming back to life." I'll continue with monthly weigh-ins from that point forward.

 I sincerely appreciate your continued support,
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, February 1, 2014

Maintaining A Balance

Maintaining A Balance

As the days go by and my resolve remains strong, my biggest challenge hasn't been maintaining the integrity of my calorie budget.  My biggest challenge has been time management and maintaining a balance with my chosen methods of social media. I'm behind on my blog reading list and answering emails and messages. Returning support is very important to me. The support you give me is sincerely appreciated and I hope you know this, because it's an absolutely critical element of my success. I'll continue doing my best and finding a balance with my time and energy.

Sleep Issue Update: I return for a 2nd sleep study on February 14th at 8pm. This time will include using an adjustable machine the entire night in an effort to determine the optimal settings for my best rest. I'm looking forward to feeling rested again. Good rest, good sleep is a requirement for living the best life possible. The benefits go far beyond weight loss. It goes without saying, being exhausted dramatically and negatively effects everything along this road.  I think it's perfectly fitting that my sleep study is set for Valentines evening. For one, it's my late brother Shane's birthday and he always wanted what was best for me. Taking care of me is self-love. Getting this done and my sleep situation corrected is one of the most loving things I can do for myself.

Today marks three weeks of being committed and staying focused come what may. I still have 10 more days to wait before I weigh and that's perfect. My philosophy on weighing hasn't changed. Like many of my friends along this road, I've allowed the scale to wreak havoc on my emotions too many times. And I'm embracing the idea that this isn't about a number for me, it's about recovery. It's about getting back to a healthier existence. I will weigh monthly, mainly because I like statistics. But I'll be very careful and aware of how the numbers effect me, good or not as good.

The point is, if I'm maintaining a balance and taking care of me, then truly the scale takes care of itself.  The only time the scale has ever gone up is when I'm not properly taking care of me. And I'm doing my best to fully appreciate and accept that this isn't a quest to get back to 230. This isn't about simply hitting that mark. I've done that. This is about learning from my previous experiences and getting to a place where maintaining my personal balance with food and exercise is a constant in my life.  If I make that the goal, again-the weight will drop and I'll be healthier for the effort. Maintaining balance with everything life throws my way is the challenge.

Creating a support community of friends with like goals, experiences and understandings is critical. Sharing the tough times and asking for additional support is paramount. I attended a banquet and awards ceremony Thursday evening with my co-workers from Team Radio. Most of them remember my resolve and practices during my initial weight loss and all of them know where I am today and how I'm reclaiming my life at this point, so just having them there with me was good support and encouragement to make the best choices possible. To reinforce my strength and support, I offered up the challenge on facebook and vowed to "Live-Tweet" the dinner service from start to finish. I'm @SeanAAnderson on Twitter.  I know many of my friends on Facebook and several who read this blog, do not do Twitter and that's okay. Here's a replay of the evening in chronological order of tweets:





































During the course of this "Live-Tweeting," I received wonderful support from those following along as it happened. And I thank you very much!! The entire event was spectacular and the highlight of the evening was the broadcasting company I work for winning the business of the year award!

Walking to the parking lot afterward, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a perfect event in so many ways. My support system was in place and worked beautifully. The most challenging part of the evening was seeing so many people from the community, many of these people cheered me on before and haven't laid eyes on me since I've regained.  Being okay with that and shutting down the inner voices of insecurity, guilt, shame and whatever other negative emotions get drummed up in a post-regain situation like this, was a blessing. Having a calm and peace in this dynamic is because I'm embracing me, all of me and I'm taking care of me in wonderful ways. I'm headed to a healthier version of me and I'm doing what needs to be done to get there. It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me, good or bad, about where I am or what I looked like at this event. I'm gloriously me. And visiting the restroom, looking in the mirror and reminding myself of this was a part of the evening, twice. Besides, people are typically too busy worrying about themselves to notice others, at least not to the degree our brains would have us believe.

So much more I want to share here, but I'm out of time for now. I'm going to fix some brunch and get ready for a remote broadcast this afternoon.

I hope you'll follow along on Facebook, Twitter and My Fitness Pal too. I'm Seanaanderson on MFP.

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful weekend,

My best always,

Strength,
Sean
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