A Calm Reflection
I'm sipping my warm Natural Calm and reading a few blogs before I turn in for the night.
I awoke this morning with a painful sore throat, the worst I've had in years. I quickly called in backup to do my morning radio show. A sore throat to someone who talks for a living isn't good. I eventually made it to the doctor and found it wasn't strep. The doctor concluded sinus drainage the culprit. He suggested over the counter remedies.
I've stayed in all day and had plenty of time to think about where I am and what I'm doing and have been doing lately. I have been very hard on myself. And as much as I talk about putting the past behind and moving forward, it's clear that I've been doing the opposite.
So, not another word about the past 7 months from me.
I've said it from the very beginning, my goal--my truest desire, is to become someone who eats normal portions at appropriate times. To be someone who doesn't turn to food for emotional comfort. To be someone who takes care of himself and puts some careful thoughts into the choices and actions becoming me.
Getting reconnected with my blog and your support has been a wonderful choice. This blog isn't an outlet for self-abuse, where I pick a-part every single move I make. I know what I want and I'm making it so. I was going through some of my old notes and posts today and I immediately came across "This isn't about perfection. Pursuit of perfection is a detour to insanity. This is about living and learning, and applying the lessons along the way." Selective forgetting is sometimes so very easy.
I'll never forget certain things, though. I've been blessed with many wonderful experiences along this road. It's been beautiful in many ways. I'm very lucky, very blessed.
Today was a good day for reflection and healing. This Natural Calm feels so good on my throat...wow...Very nice.
Today was good. And I sincerely thank you for the wonderful support.
Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
My Happiness and Well Being Isn't Found In Food
My Happiness and Well Being Isn't Found In Food
It took me all of four days to miss posting about a day. I could write it and back date it, but no--I'll simply move forward. The challenges I'm facing are crucial for me to process and fully appreciate. And believe me, I'm processing and appreciating everything. I haven't gone off the deep end. I'm staying in shallow water where it's relatively safe. I'm also keeping in mind that it's possible to drown in shallow water if one isn't careful. I'm being very careful.
My encounter with pizza on Friday really left me feeling horrible. I'm okay. It's over. I'm moving forward. There isn't an excuse to justify reaching for a slice. Could an alcoholic say, "well, I was tired--exhausted really, and I didn't bring any water or tea, so I just didn't feel like resisting the vodka?" No.
Janis nailed it in the comment section:
"I'm ready to say you need to ditch pizza for the foreseeable future, just to make things easier on yourself. If you don't currently feel up to making the judgment calls necessary to handle it wisely, then go easy on yourself and step away for a bit. And don't rationalize it with "but I need to prove to myself that I'm in control" or any of that b*llsh*t, either. That's not you, that's the monkey on your back trying to talk you into a game of chicken that you'll lose. Coping with pizza in moderation worked for you for a while, but it's not working now so I'd recommend you just say "no" and put in on the shelf. Maybe after you get a handle on the sleep sitch you can, but clearly now is not that time."
I agree Janis, 100%
The rules have changed for me.
When I was over 500 pounds I received a bunch of advise about what I needed to do to lose weight. Changing everything overnight was a popular suggestion. I instinctively knew it would have been a temporary diversion from who I am--changing the outside actions, without changing the inner workings. I couldn't see myself waking up one morning and being something I'd never known. The inside stuff is most important and the route I chose was one that would "simplify the process--giving me time to work on the mental aspects--the inside stuff."
The approach I found success with, was one of moderation, where "nothing was off limits" as long as it fit into my calorie bank. I took great pride in declaring things like "I had ice cream and lasagna today and I'm losing weight!" And the focus was clearly on the mental dynamics backed up with tremendous support online and all around me. I threw away the rule book and boldly proceeded and succeeded despite making choices with only one qualifier: Does it fit into my budget?
I found success. And then I started hearing from a bunch of others who were having similar success with their own Calorie Bank and Trust. Steel Curtain Zones started going up and there wasn't anything stopping us! 100 pounds lost, 200 pounds--it was thrilling...I was so happy for them. Then, occasionally--I would receive emails from people who experienced tremendous success and then lost the control, and eventually regained the weight. Some didn't gain it all back, others did and more. I would be supportive, saying things like-- "You can do this--get back to the basics, set your budget--make it life or death, because it is...and don't give up, okay? Never give up."
It wasn't until I started struggling seven months ago that I fully realized and appreciated what was happening. After hitting goal, I started to maintain by simply being reasonable with my portions, continuing to exercise and staying as mentally strong as possible. I no longer maintained a strict calorie budget, opting instead to eyeball with reason and experience. As long as I kept myself surrounded with people and in a positive mindset, I was fine. But then I started hitting walls emotionally...
The self-destruct mode, the one I thought was put to rest with my "steel curtain zone" and arsenal of new "mix tapes," came roaring back. Soon, through my own actions, I found myself alone and depressed. I was listening to all kinds of horrible things about myself...thoughts I created, were constantly playing. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! If we become our predominant thoughts, and we do--I was in serious trouble. I was. Suddenly, once again I was medicating my emotions with food. Now, even more challenging--was constantly trying to pull myself out of the slide because, "I'm Sean Anderson, dang it, I can't do this!" I would experience a few good days followed by several horrible days, then good---then bad again. Well, I am Sean Anderson. And I'm human. And I'm a food addict. And yes I can slide. I'm not immune from anything. How incredibly ridiculous of me to consider otherwise.
For someone who truly isn't a food addict, the Calorie Bank and Trust really doesn't need any modification when combined with the natural desire to eat better, more wholesome foods along the way. After all, it's simply portion control. For someone like me, it does need modifications.
I've often talked about and written about how we have to learn about ourselves along the way. As I lost weight I experienced new tastes emerging and desires of old fading. Suddenly certain fast food smells were enough to make me sick. Suddenly I started eating veggies I once wouldn't give a chance. But I needed to study a little closer.
Certain foods must be off limits for me. I didn't learn this while losing and maintaining, I learned this in my struggles. When I stripped the boundaries of reason and good choices away I discovered things about me and certain foods, I hadn't considered.
So now I know. Good.
I can still utilize my Calorie Bank and Trust, just not the "nothing is off limits" version. I know what's off limits for me. It's different for each of us, I'm sure. Similar, but different. How will this affect my life?
Isn't that the root of anxiety when it comes to saying something is off limits? Like we're not complete without certain things. Like we'll be living a deprived life? Baloney. Truth is, my life will be full and joyous even if I never again eat pizza from a box or deep fried Chinese chicken.
My happiness and well being isn't found in food. It's found in living a life more in tune spiritually, emotionally and physically. And those three things are all inside me, waiting to be fully explored and experienced. That is my mission. To practice these things. To understand more. To be okay. To encourage others by sharing the experience.
Because there's hope for us. Never give up. I'm not.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
It took me all of four days to miss posting about a day. I could write it and back date it, but no--I'll simply move forward. The challenges I'm facing are crucial for me to process and fully appreciate. And believe me, I'm processing and appreciating everything. I haven't gone off the deep end. I'm staying in shallow water where it's relatively safe. I'm also keeping in mind that it's possible to drown in shallow water if one isn't careful. I'm being very careful.
My encounter with pizza on Friday really left me feeling horrible. I'm okay. It's over. I'm moving forward. There isn't an excuse to justify reaching for a slice. Could an alcoholic say, "well, I was tired--exhausted really, and I didn't bring any water or tea, so I just didn't feel like resisting the vodka?" No.
Janis nailed it in the comment section:
"I'm ready to say you need to ditch pizza for the foreseeable future, just to make things easier on yourself. If you don't currently feel up to making the judgment calls necessary to handle it wisely, then go easy on yourself and step away for a bit. And don't rationalize it with "but I need to prove to myself that I'm in control" or any of that b*llsh*t, either. That's not you, that's the monkey on your back trying to talk you into a game of chicken that you'll lose. Coping with pizza in moderation worked for you for a while, but it's not working now so I'd recommend you just say "no" and put in on the shelf. Maybe after you get a handle on the sleep sitch you can, but clearly now is not that time."
I agree Janis, 100%
The rules have changed for me.
When I was over 500 pounds I received a bunch of advise about what I needed to do to lose weight. Changing everything overnight was a popular suggestion. I instinctively knew it would have been a temporary diversion from who I am--changing the outside actions, without changing the inner workings. I couldn't see myself waking up one morning and being something I'd never known. The inside stuff is most important and the route I chose was one that would "simplify the process--giving me time to work on the mental aspects--the inside stuff."
The approach I found success with, was one of moderation, where "nothing was off limits" as long as it fit into my calorie bank. I took great pride in declaring things like "I had ice cream and lasagna today and I'm losing weight!" And the focus was clearly on the mental dynamics backed up with tremendous support online and all around me. I threw away the rule book and boldly proceeded and succeeded despite making choices with only one qualifier: Does it fit into my budget?
I found success. And then I started hearing from a bunch of others who were having similar success with their own Calorie Bank and Trust. Steel Curtain Zones started going up and there wasn't anything stopping us! 100 pounds lost, 200 pounds--it was thrilling...I was so happy for them. Then, occasionally--I would receive emails from people who experienced tremendous success and then lost the control, and eventually regained the weight. Some didn't gain it all back, others did and more. I would be supportive, saying things like-- "You can do this--get back to the basics, set your budget--make it life or death, because it is...and don't give up, okay? Never give up."
It wasn't until I started struggling seven months ago that I fully realized and appreciated what was happening. After hitting goal, I started to maintain by simply being reasonable with my portions, continuing to exercise and staying as mentally strong as possible. I no longer maintained a strict calorie budget, opting instead to eyeball with reason and experience. As long as I kept myself surrounded with people and in a positive mindset, I was fine. But then I started hitting walls emotionally...
The self-destruct mode, the one I thought was put to rest with my "steel curtain zone" and arsenal of new "mix tapes," came roaring back. Soon, through my own actions, I found myself alone and depressed. I was listening to all kinds of horrible things about myself...thoughts I created, were constantly playing. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! If we become our predominant thoughts, and we do--I was in serious trouble. I was. Suddenly, once again I was medicating my emotions with food. Now, even more challenging--was constantly trying to pull myself out of the slide because, "I'm Sean Anderson, dang it, I can't do this!" I would experience a few good days followed by several horrible days, then good---then bad again. Well, I am Sean Anderson. And I'm human. And I'm a food addict. And yes I can slide. I'm not immune from anything. How incredibly ridiculous of me to consider otherwise.
For someone who truly isn't a food addict, the Calorie Bank and Trust really doesn't need any modification when combined with the natural desire to eat better, more wholesome foods along the way. After all, it's simply portion control. For someone like me, it does need modifications.
I've often talked about and written about how we have to learn about ourselves along the way. As I lost weight I experienced new tastes emerging and desires of old fading. Suddenly certain fast food smells were enough to make me sick. Suddenly I started eating veggies I once wouldn't give a chance. But I needed to study a little closer.
Certain foods must be off limits for me. I didn't learn this while losing and maintaining, I learned this in my struggles. When I stripped the boundaries of reason and good choices away I discovered things about me and certain foods, I hadn't considered.
So now I know. Good.
I can still utilize my Calorie Bank and Trust, just not the "nothing is off limits" version. I know what's off limits for me. It's different for each of us, I'm sure. Similar, but different. How will this affect my life?
Isn't that the root of anxiety when it comes to saying something is off limits? Like we're not complete without certain things. Like we'll be living a deprived life? Baloney. Truth is, my life will be full and joyous even if I never again eat pizza from a box or deep fried Chinese chicken.
My happiness and well being isn't found in food. It's found in living a life more in tune spiritually, emotionally and physically. And those three things are all inside me, waiting to be fully explored and experienced. That is my mission. To practice these things. To understand more. To be okay. To encourage others by sharing the experience.
Because there's hope for us. Never give up. I'm not.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Friday, January 4, 2013
Each Choice Affects The Next or The Pizza Rules
Each Choice Affects The Next or The Pizza Rules
I've shared about my struggles with sleep apnea and most recently with what seems to be central apnea. I'm learning through trial and error, ways that I can improve my quality of sleep despite the condition. Cutting out caffeine several hours before bed and simple breathing exercises before closing my eyes have helped considerably. Still, occasionally I have a night where I feel little rest. Thursday night was one of those nights. It made for a very challenging Friday. Feeling rested is a critical element to being my best. When I'm exhausted, all I can think about is wanting and needing sleep. In order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget, I have to give extra special effort on a day like this.
I was a big mess after my radio show Friday morning. I sat in the production studio and stared blankly at my list of things I needed to accomplish, then I laid my head down and drifted off for a quick 10 minute nap. If I was to be productive in the least, the nap was necessary. I entertained the idea of going home and sleeping longer; better, then coming back to finish my workday. It was about this time I discovered I had a remote broadcast appearance scheduled from noon to two pm. I needed to make it several more hours before sleep was possible. I hurried home and somehow made myself presentable.
This broadcast came complete with free pizza to anyone and everyone. It was TOUGH. Had I felt better rested I would have had a much easier time resisting the free pizza. Had I planned better by bringing my own lunch, I would have had an easier time. The choices I made in my personal care were now affecting the food choices directly in front of me. I have certain rules about pizza: I don't eat it alone. I only eat thin crust veggie pizza. I don't seek out pizza. I only occasionally eat it as part of a social gathering of some kind. In other words: Devouring a pan pizza while alone in my apartment is NEVER acceptable. However, a piece or two of thin crust veggie among family, friends and/or colleagues, for me, is usually safe. Although I must admit, it's not very satisfying in the "calorie value" department. My best pizza experience is when I make my own low calorie pita pizzas at home. You probably know where I'm going with this...
I grabbed a piece of thin crust pepperoni and picked off the pepperonis. There was nothing even remotely satisfying about this choice. It didn't taste good because instead of fresh veggies it was topped with grease. But the worst part about this choice didn't have anything to do with the taste or calories spent. It was the psychological element of feeling defeated by the attraction, even when it honestly wasn't good.
I walked away from the broadcast analyzing my state of mind and the elements contributing to the choice. I wasn't being hard on myself at all. (I counted the small slice as 250 calories) I was simply acknowledging the influence of my choices going into the broadcast and how it affected my choice during. A few minor changes in preparation and I would have made the kind of choices empowering and propelling me toward success. Had I took the time to at least prepare a baggie of apple slices and baby carrots, enough to hold me over until later, I would have been better equipped to handle the temptation. Had I completely resisted the pizza table, the triumphant feeling of victory would have felt better than any pizza has ever tasted in my life.
It's okay. I'm okay.
I slept beautifully later in the afternoon before jumping up and joining Amber for her 23rd birthday party at her mom's house. I can't believe she's 23. Time passes so quickly.
The party presented more challenges as I relied more on portion control than careful selection. I'm still very much learning how to handle myself at gatherings where I'm not the one preparing the food.
By the time I made it back home I was once again exhausted. It was a very tough day. And the joy I wrote about in the January 3rd post was sacrificed a little bit tonight, as I opted for bed instead of writing and getting a workout complete.
I'm happy with myself though. I'm feeling a peace I haven't felt for some time. I'm confident in my abilities and the road ahead.
I'm okay. And I'm starting to better understand exactly what it means to be "okay."
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
I've shared about my struggles with sleep apnea and most recently with what seems to be central apnea. I'm learning through trial and error, ways that I can improve my quality of sleep despite the condition. Cutting out caffeine several hours before bed and simple breathing exercises before closing my eyes have helped considerably. Still, occasionally I have a night where I feel little rest. Thursday night was one of those nights. It made for a very challenging Friday. Feeling rested is a critical element to being my best. When I'm exhausted, all I can think about is wanting and needing sleep. In order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget, I have to give extra special effort on a day like this.
I was a big mess after my radio show Friday morning. I sat in the production studio and stared blankly at my list of things I needed to accomplish, then I laid my head down and drifted off for a quick 10 minute nap. If I was to be productive in the least, the nap was necessary. I entertained the idea of going home and sleeping longer; better, then coming back to finish my workday. It was about this time I discovered I had a remote broadcast appearance scheduled from noon to two pm. I needed to make it several more hours before sleep was possible. I hurried home and somehow made myself presentable.
This broadcast came complete with free pizza to anyone and everyone. It was TOUGH. Had I felt better rested I would have had a much easier time resisting the free pizza. Had I planned better by bringing my own lunch, I would have had an easier time. The choices I made in my personal care were now affecting the food choices directly in front of me. I have certain rules about pizza: I don't eat it alone. I only eat thin crust veggie pizza. I don't seek out pizza. I only occasionally eat it as part of a social gathering of some kind. In other words: Devouring a pan pizza while alone in my apartment is NEVER acceptable. However, a piece or two of thin crust veggie among family, friends and/or colleagues, for me, is usually safe. Although I must admit, it's not very satisfying in the "calorie value" department. My best pizza experience is when I make my own low calorie pita pizzas at home. You probably know where I'm going with this...
I grabbed a piece of thin crust pepperoni and picked off the pepperonis. There was nothing even remotely satisfying about this choice. It didn't taste good because instead of fresh veggies it was topped with grease. But the worst part about this choice didn't have anything to do with the taste or calories spent. It was the psychological element of feeling defeated by the attraction, even when it honestly wasn't good.
I walked away from the broadcast analyzing my state of mind and the elements contributing to the choice. I wasn't being hard on myself at all. (I counted the small slice as 250 calories) I was simply acknowledging the influence of my choices going into the broadcast and how it affected my choice during. A few minor changes in preparation and I would have made the kind of choices empowering and propelling me toward success. Had I took the time to at least prepare a baggie of apple slices and baby carrots, enough to hold me over until later, I would have been better equipped to handle the temptation. Had I completely resisted the pizza table, the triumphant feeling of victory would have felt better than any pizza has ever tasted in my life.
It's okay. I'm okay.
I slept beautifully later in the afternoon before jumping up and joining Amber for her 23rd birthday party at her mom's house. I can't believe she's 23. Time passes so quickly.
The party presented more challenges as I relied more on portion control than careful selection. I'm still very much learning how to handle myself at gatherings where I'm not the one preparing the food.
By the time I made it back home I was once again exhausted. It was a very tough day. And the joy I wrote about in the January 3rd post was sacrificed a little bit tonight, as I opted for bed instead of writing and getting a workout complete.
I'm happy with myself though. I'm feeling a peace I haven't felt for some time. I'm confident in my abilities and the road ahead.
I'm okay. And I'm starting to better understand exactly what it means to be "okay."
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A Familiar Feeling
A Familiar Feeling
This feeling is familiar. It's a good feeling. It's familiar because it's the same I felt when I first started losing weight successfully. It makes me smile before I go to sleep and it wakes me with an empowering attitude to do it again and again. This feeling only comes when I can honestly look myself in the mirror and know without doubt, I had a good day with food and exercise.
The element of experience has changed my personal rules and expectations, yet the feeling remains the same. It's the type of joy that transcends temporary negative circumstances while it magnifies my gratitude for the blessings all around me. Sure, I was in tooth pain...didn't matter, still joyous. Sure, my vehicle sits in a parking lot across town in need of repair, waiting for a mechanic to give me the price to ride again...doesn't matter, still joyous. Job stress, financial stress, relationship issues, spirituality challenges, all of these are no match for the joy and gratitude that becomes me when I'm walking the walk I talk.
And when I'm experiencing this feeling, it allows me to envision my spiritual, health, business and personal relationship dreams ten times easier. And you know, if we can see it, we can achieve it. When I first started losing weight I closed my eyes and envisioned my success all the time. There was rarely a day that passed that I didn't turn on the projector in my mind, revealing my ultimate goals in Technicolor-like detail. I honestly didn't do this with intent of it helping me do anything other than become more excited in the moment. I blindly stumbled upon the power of visualization.
I mentioned how my experiences have shaped and changed my personal rules and expectations, here's an example: I made an unexpected trip to one of our sister radio stations this morning. It was approaching 11am when I made the delivery and I was ready to return home. My breakfast was wearing off quickly by this point and I started to ponder my options. I entertained the idea of "grabbing something" in a drive-through. I know from experience that I could have found something to fit into my calorie budget, sure...But my personal rules and expectations have changed.
What was once acceptable for me, isn't anymore. Grabbing some fast food and eating it while driving isn't the quality experience I want. It worked for me before. I stayed within my calorie budget and I exercised, and despite my choices, the weight loss success happened. After watching several documentaries, including my favorite "Hungry For Change," I find myself desiring a cleaner way of eating. I'm not perfect and that's not the pursuit, really. I just want to feel better about my choices by assigning a value that goes beyond the calorie count.
I still stand behind my "nothing is off limits" approach from the early days of my transformation because had I tried to change everything overnight, I would have been overwhelmed quickly, setting myself up for failure. All good things in time. This awakening of late is part of my gradual evolution of good choices. I've said many times, the definition of "good choices" is different for each one of us and it changes as we change; as we evolve.
Social media helped me fight off the temptation of the drive-through today. I immediately sent my challenge out on Twitter with a declaration of resistance. It worked. The accountability factor strengthened my resolve instantly and I confidently drove away from Stillwater without a hand full of drive-through fare. Thank you for your support!
I stopped at a grocery store on my way back into town and grabbed some fresh fruit and some sliced chicken breast. I felt good about my choices. I was victorious. I was joyous.
I had a great workout tonight at the YMCA. Playing racquetball against the wall was reminiscent of my early days. Tackling the elliptical gave me a wonderful reminder of how easily our endurance can fade when we're not active. At one time, an hour on the elliptical wasn't a big deal. Tonight I was hurting at 20 minutes. I'll be back again and again, no worries.
I enjoyed a couple of 93% lean turkey burgers with sliced tomatoes placed atop a Joseph's Pita with mozzarella and a salsa/low fat sour cream sauce for dinner. It was right at 500 calories for the plate. I had planned on sharing the pictures but my time is up!
I'll share some over the next few days.
By the way, I separated my Twitter feed from my facebook. My three pronged social media approach each comes with different content style. I use facebook for "micro-blogging," Twitter for "in the moment" type stuff and this blog for an overview of the experiences and insights along the way.
Getting back to goal is a matter of time. It looks awesome by the way...because I've envisioned it and more.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
This feeling is familiar. It's a good feeling. It's familiar because it's the same I felt when I first started losing weight successfully. It makes me smile before I go to sleep and it wakes me with an empowering attitude to do it again and again. This feeling only comes when I can honestly look myself in the mirror and know without doubt, I had a good day with food and exercise.
The element of experience has changed my personal rules and expectations, yet the feeling remains the same. It's the type of joy that transcends temporary negative circumstances while it magnifies my gratitude for the blessings all around me. Sure, I was in tooth pain...didn't matter, still joyous. Sure, my vehicle sits in a parking lot across town in need of repair, waiting for a mechanic to give me the price to ride again...doesn't matter, still joyous. Job stress, financial stress, relationship issues, spirituality challenges, all of these are no match for the joy and gratitude that becomes me when I'm walking the walk I talk.
And when I'm experiencing this feeling, it allows me to envision my spiritual, health, business and personal relationship dreams ten times easier. And you know, if we can see it, we can achieve it. When I first started losing weight I closed my eyes and envisioned my success all the time. There was rarely a day that passed that I didn't turn on the projector in my mind, revealing my ultimate goals in Technicolor-like detail. I honestly didn't do this with intent of it helping me do anything other than become more excited in the moment. I blindly stumbled upon the power of visualization.
I mentioned how my experiences have shaped and changed my personal rules and expectations, here's an example: I made an unexpected trip to one of our sister radio stations this morning. It was approaching 11am when I made the delivery and I was ready to return home. My breakfast was wearing off quickly by this point and I started to ponder my options. I entertained the idea of "grabbing something" in a drive-through. I know from experience that I could have found something to fit into my calorie budget, sure...But my personal rules and expectations have changed.
What was once acceptable for me, isn't anymore. Grabbing some fast food and eating it while driving isn't the quality experience I want. It worked for me before. I stayed within my calorie budget and I exercised, and despite my choices, the weight loss success happened. After watching several documentaries, including my favorite "Hungry For Change," I find myself desiring a cleaner way of eating. I'm not perfect and that's not the pursuit, really. I just want to feel better about my choices by assigning a value that goes beyond the calorie count.
I still stand behind my "nothing is off limits" approach from the early days of my transformation because had I tried to change everything overnight, I would have been overwhelmed quickly, setting myself up for failure. All good things in time. This awakening of late is part of my gradual evolution of good choices. I've said many times, the definition of "good choices" is different for each one of us and it changes as we change; as we evolve.
Social media helped me fight off the temptation of the drive-through today. I immediately sent my challenge out on Twitter with a declaration of resistance. It worked. The accountability factor strengthened my resolve instantly and I confidently drove away from Stillwater without a hand full of drive-through fare. Thank you for your support!
I stopped at a grocery store on my way back into town and grabbed some fresh fruit and some sliced chicken breast. I felt good about my choices. I was victorious. I was joyous.
I had a great workout tonight at the YMCA. Playing racquetball against the wall was reminiscent of my early days. Tackling the elliptical gave me a wonderful reminder of how easily our endurance can fade when we're not active. At one time, an hour on the elliptical wasn't a big deal. Tonight I was hurting at 20 minutes. I'll be back again and again, no worries.
I enjoyed a couple of 93% lean turkey burgers with sliced tomatoes placed atop a Joseph's Pita with mozzarella and a salsa/low fat sour cream sauce for dinner. It was right at 500 calories for the plate. I had planned on sharing the pictures but my time is up!
I'll share some over the next few days.
By the way, I separated my Twitter feed from my facebook. My three pronged social media approach each comes with different content style. I use facebook for "micro-blogging," Twitter for "in the moment" type stuff and this blog for an overview of the experiences and insights along the way.
Getting back to goal is a matter of time. It looks awesome by the way...because I've envisioned it and more.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
We Don't Need Any Stinkin' Blogging Rules
We Don't Need Any Stinkin' Blogging Rules
A return to daily posting is something I've resisted for some time. And if you've followed this blog, you know I've done a stellar job resisting. Why? Oh, now--I could come up with a dozen excellent sounding excuses, all of which you could easily argue against, and you would most likely be right.
My biggest excuse (the one I used frequently) was the time commitment. I once treated this blog like there was a rigid list of rules stating:
All Posts Must Be At Least 6,000 Words
Every Post Must Include Multi-Media Content
Each Post Requires a Minimum Time Commitment of 1.5 Hours
I enjoy the occasional "mega-post," I do indeed, (and I'll occasionally have the time and material to crank out one of these super-post) but since this isn't currently my full time job, I can't abide by these self-imposed imaginary rules any longer. Tony Posnanski is a brilliant example of quality over quantity. I'm pretty sure he's written entire blog entries on his phone--in between sets in the weight room at his local gym.
My most honest excuse (one I've rarely said--and usually to my therapist only--Yet, it's the most obvious) is this: When I'm not doing my best, when I'm struggling--I'm not as motivated to write. It's as simple as that. It doesn't mean I've struggled the entire time spent away from daily posting, after all--I stopped posting daily in August 2010, hit goal in November 2010 and maintained for nearly a year and a half before I started struggling again. I credit my regular facebook "micro-blogs," for sure. But the point is this: I give myself the greatest chance of success when I'm posting daily right here on The DAILY Diary of a Winning Loser. The ups and downs, the struggles--the victories...That's what this blog is all about... a complete picture, an unvarnished example...The good, the bad and the awesome.
I woke up this morning feeling sick. I didn't sleep well because of a tooth ache. This issue had progressively worsened (as these things tend to do) and this morning it decided to grab and hold my attention. I took some ibuprofin and decided to somehow make it through my radio show. As I settled into the studio, so did the pain, for a little while at least. As soon as I was off the air I started making calls for available appointments. The second call I made had an opening at 1:30pm. It wasn't my regular dentist, but it didn't matter. I needed out of pain as quickly as possible. And after a couple hours in the dentist office, I was out of pain--oh yes I was...and the right side of my face was completely numb. I was drooling and I didn't even know it--that's how much I wasn't feeling any pain. Obliviously drooling...it was great.
I was told not to chew on my right side and to only eat soft things, "like ice cream." Yeah--they don't know me very well, do they? ;)
By the time I reached my apartment after 4pm, my calorie budget was sitting at a very low 350 calories--all from lunch and my morning coffee. I had tortilla soup with four crackers and some cheese. I rarely skip breakfast, but I did this morning because of the throbbing tooth pain. I opened another can of soup this evening--added a few crackers and cheese on the side and cut up an apple--and still, I'm under 1,000 for the day. Again, not typical--but circumstances took away my desire to eat.
I decided to rest after the dentist and at least have a walk before nights end. I planned on a 5K...ended up only doing two laps for 1.75 miles. Everything considered, I'm happy with today. I'm also hungry.
But it's way too late to eat anything. I'll have a good breakfast in the morning.
I'll leave you with this thought from my facebook micro-blog today:
"I've said it many times: “I know myself.” What we know is based on what we've experienced, the choices we've made—the patterns of the past. That is what we know. Do we know of what we are truly capable? Believing in ourselves requires faith in what we haven't known, an unwavering faith in our ability to choose change. It truly does not matter what we've done, where we are starting or what we know. Believe, and this time will be like nothing you've ever known."
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
A return to daily posting is something I've resisted for some time. And if you've followed this blog, you know I've done a stellar job resisting. Why? Oh, now--I could come up with a dozen excellent sounding excuses, all of which you could easily argue against, and you would most likely be right.
My biggest excuse (the one I used frequently) was the time commitment. I once treated this blog like there was a rigid list of rules stating:
All Posts Must Be At Least 6,000 Words
Every Post Must Include Multi-Media Content
Each Post Requires a Minimum Time Commitment of 1.5 Hours
I enjoy the occasional "mega-post," I do indeed, (and I'll occasionally have the time and material to crank out one of these super-post) but since this isn't currently my full time job, I can't abide by these self-imposed imaginary rules any longer. Tony Posnanski is a brilliant example of quality over quantity. I'm pretty sure he's written entire blog entries on his phone--in between sets in the weight room at his local gym.
My most honest excuse (one I've rarely said--and usually to my therapist only--Yet, it's the most obvious) is this: When I'm not doing my best, when I'm struggling--I'm not as motivated to write. It's as simple as that. It doesn't mean I've struggled the entire time spent away from daily posting, after all--I stopped posting daily in August 2010, hit goal in November 2010 and maintained for nearly a year and a half before I started struggling again. I credit my regular facebook "micro-blogs," for sure. But the point is this: I give myself the greatest chance of success when I'm posting daily right here on The DAILY Diary of a Winning Loser. The ups and downs, the struggles--the victories...That's what this blog is all about... a complete picture, an unvarnished example...The good, the bad and the awesome.
I woke up this morning feeling sick. I didn't sleep well because of a tooth ache. This issue had progressively worsened (as these things tend to do) and this morning it decided to grab and hold my attention. I took some ibuprofin and decided to somehow make it through my radio show. As I settled into the studio, so did the pain, for a little while at least. As soon as I was off the air I started making calls for available appointments. The second call I made had an opening at 1:30pm. It wasn't my regular dentist, but it didn't matter. I needed out of pain as quickly as possible. And after a couple hours in the dentist office, I was out of pain--oh yes I was...and the right side of my face was completely numb. I was drooling and I didn't even know it--that's how much I wasn't feeling any pain. Obliviously drooling...it was great.
I was told not to chew on my right side and to only eat soft things, "like ice cream." Yeah--they don't know me very well, do they? ;)
By the time I reached my apartment after 4pm, my calorie budget was sitting at a very low 350 calories--all from lunch and my morning coffee. I had tortilla soup with four crackers and some cheese. I rarely skip breakfast, but I did this morning because of the throbbing tooth pain. I opened another can of soup this evening--added a few crackers and cheese on the side and cut up an apple--and still, I'm under 1,000 for the day. Again, not typical--but circumstances took away my desire to eat.
I decided to rest after the dentist and at least have a walk before nights end. I planned on a 5K...ended up only doing two laps for 1.75 miles. Everything considered, I'm happy with today. I'm also hungry.
But it's way too late to eat anything. I'll have a good breakfast in the morning.
I'll leave you with this thought from my facebook micro-blog today:
"I've said it many times: “I know myself.” What we know is based on what we've experienced, the choices we've made—the patterns of the past. That is what we know. Do we know of what we are truly capable? Believing in ourselves requires faith in what we haven't known, an unwavering faith in our ability to choose change. It truly does not matter what we've done, where we are starting or what we know. Believe, and this time will be like nothing you've ever known."
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Let's Get This Thing To 88 Miles Per Hour
Let's Get This Thing To 88 Miles Per Hour
Here we are. 2014!
I'm in the best shape and health of my life. What I've done in 2013 has elevated everything to another level. I'm stronger than ever before. I've lost fat and gained muscle. My clothes fit better than ever. I'm rested, I feel incredible and the difference my commitment has made in every facet of my life, is astonishing. I look in the mirror and I see the results of consistency.
My list of spiritual, personal and business accomplishments--the ones I envisioned and wrote down on January 1st, 2013, and then posted them where I could see and read everyday---this visionary list is my reality today. I'll show you a picture of it when we return to this date through the natural course of time.
I had tasted freedom before. Now I'm feasting on it.
2013 was an amazing year.
Imagine. Envision. See. Believe. Commit. Accomplish. Repeat.
We are powerful people, my friends.
Okay--I must get back. I have a life to live!
Good Choices,
Sean
Here we are. 2014!
I'm in the best shape and health of my life. What I've done in 2013 has elevated everything to another level. I'm stronger than ever before. I've lost fat and gained muscle. My clothes fit better than ever. I'm rested, I feel incredible and the difference my commitment has made in every facet of my life, is astonishing. I look in the mirror and I see the results of consistency.
My list of spiritual, personal and business accomplishments--the ones I envisioned and wrote down on January 1st, 2013, and then posted them where I could see and read everyday---this visionary list is my reality today. I'll show you a picture of it when we return to this date through the natural course of time.
I had tasted freedom before. Now I'm feasting on it.
2013 was an amazing year.
Imagine. Envision. See. Believe. Commit. Accomplish. Repeat.
We are powerful people, my friends.
Okay--I must get back. I have a life to live!
Good Choices,
Sean
Monday, December 24, 2012
Just Be Okay
Just Be Okay
Pausing to reflect is important. Indeed, it is. But only when the reflection is focused on the lessons learned in our struggles, the victories earned in our triumphs and the choices needed to move forward in a positive way.
Pausing to reflect can be devastating if we're squarely focused on the negative consequences of our choices and actions. It's like constantly analyzing where and why we swerved off the road. If you're driving along and you skid off a slippery highway, finding yourself in a ditch, you might pause to thank God you survived. You probably would spend a minimal amount of time thinking about what happened leading up to and creating the loss of control. But then your main focus turns to what it must be in those moments: "How do we get out of this ditch?"
When flashes of what to do now are clouded by constantly analyzing what went wrong, feeling bad about what happened and obsessing about how it could have been different, we become stuck. Truly stuck. Paralyzed by our thoughts, we sit and stew inside as the windows become covered until we can't see the road. Soon, disoriented, we lose our sense of direction. We know we can't give up, because staying here will eventually kill us if we don't act. Our basic instincts of survival demand we act and act now, if we hope to ever get out of here, we must act.
That's where I've been. In that vehicle. I'm not alone. I have my hopes and dreams with me. I have the best of intentions with me too. I have family and friends who reach out and offer support and they believe in me 100%; they always have. If I were more clear with them, revealing my location, they would find me and once again their support would be fully received as it once was in the best of times. Instead, I sit here, feeling the sting of the cold as thoughts of my chosen consequences pierce me in every way I allow.
I occasionally receive messages from people far and near who have read my blog, my book and facebook mini-blogs and they send some of the most incredibly positive stories about how my journey has affected them. They're on the road, hands on the wheel and thanking me for inspiration they've gleaned from my experience. Perhaps they haven't heard of my current dilemma. Maybe they have and they're hoping it motivates me to act and act now. I often find myself in tears while reading these, filled with happiness for them first, then reminding myself that this is all I want to do with my life; to be a positive light for others; to serve as an honest example of what's truly possible. Then, I become overwhelmed with guilt, withdrawing into myself, hiding from the truths I must embrace to get me out of here.
This isn't a pity party. This isn't a cry for sympathy. This is the truth of where I am and it's a place I've kept myself by choice. No, not the best choice(s), obviously, but it's my doing. I'm responsible for me.
I have little sympathy or compassion when I read about a blue chip athlete who has it all going for him, yet self-destructs before he realizes his ultimate goals and dreams. Or when they achieve incredible heights, only to fall quickly by way of their own horrible choices. Yet, I find myself in a similar place.
If I'm not willing to give someone else sympathy and compassion in this situation, imagine what I'm doing to myself. I must have compassion for myself, self-forgiveness and an eye for the clearer road ahead. I have serious choices to make. Good choices. I have the tools readily available to emerge from this death trap and get back on the road to safety and positive leadership.
Oklahoma's own Vince Gill once sang "There's no future in the past," and oh my, how true that rings. I can't go back in time and prevent what has happened, so why constantly obsess over the elements involved? I can move forward in a positive way, one choice at a time. And when I'm in similar positions someday, I'll appreciate the experience I've gained, giving me the strength and insights to be okay.
Someone I truly care about recently told me to just "be okay." And it sent me in search of what that means. It sounds so simple. "No really. Just. be. okay." I want to be okay.
I think it means to appreciate the positive blessings, let go of the negatives and move forward in peace. I think it means for me to have compassion for myself and others as I navigate the future in this direction, instead of wallowing in the maze of my past. I think it means to stop trying to figure out how to undo what's already done, like it never happened--and make positive steps toward a future where the same mistakes are not repeated. Just be okay.
That's where I am. I'm working on being okay. I'm reaching for the door handle leading out of this place. The sun shines on the other side of this door. Why would I choose to stay in the darkness? There's fresh air out there, there's love, there's peace, there's family and friends...there's hope and promise.
I've deflected every inquiry from family and friends about what I want for Christmas. I simply want peace. I simply want to be okay. And this Christmas wish isn't something anyone else can give me.
I'm here. I'm choosing to release myself from the imprisoning thoughts of yesterday. I'm choosing to live today.
I wish you the best Christmas wish I can, that you find peace, love and most of all, you find yourself being okay.
Thank you for reading, my friend. Thank you for your incredible support. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being you.
Merry Christmas,
Sean
Pausing to reflect is important. Indeed, it is. But only when the reflection is focused on the lessons learned in our struggles, the victories earned in our triumphs and the choices needed to move forward in a positive way.
Pausing to reflect can be devastating if we're squarely focused on the negative consequences of our choices and actions. It's like constantly analyzing where and why we swerved off the road. If you're driving along and you skid off a slippery highway, finding yourself in a ditch, you might pause to thank God you survived. You probably would spend a minimal amount of time thinking about what happened leading up to and creating the loss of control. But then your main focus turns to what it must be in those moments: "How do we get out of this ditch?"
When flashes of what to do now are clouded by constantly analyzing what went wrong, feeling bad about what happened and obsessing about how it could have been different, we become stuck. Truly stuck. Paralyzed by our thoughts, we sit and stew inside as the windows become covered until we can't see the road. Soon, disoriented, we lose our sense of direction. We know we can't give up, because staying here will eventually kill us if we don't act. Our basic instincts of survival demand we act and act now, if we hope to ever get out of here, we must act.
That's where I've been. In that vehicle. I'm not alone. I have my hopes and dreams with me. I have the best of intentions with me too. I have family and friends who reach out and offer support and they believe in me 100%; they always have. If I were more clear with them, revealing my location, they would find me and once again their support would be fully received as it once was in the best of times. Instead, I sit here, feeling the sting of the cold as thoughts of my chosen consequences pierce me in every way I allow.
I occasionally receive messages from people far and near who have read my blog, my book and facebook mini-blogs and they send some of the most incredibly positive stories about how my journey has affected them. They're on the road, hands on the wheel and thanking me for inspiration they've gleaned from my experience. Perhaps they haven't heard of my current dilemma. Maybe they have and they're hoping it motivates me to act and act now. I often find myself in tears while reading these, filled with happiness for them first, then reminding myself that this is all I want to do with my life; to be a positive light for others; to serve as an honest example of what's truly possible. Then, I become overwhelmed with guilt, withdrawing into myself, hiding from the truths I must embrace to get me out of here.
This isn't a pity party. This isn't a cry for sympathy. This is the truth of where I am and it's a place I've kept myself by choice. No, not the best choice(s), obviously, but it's my doing. I'm responsible for me.
I have little sympathy or compassion when I read about a blue chip athlete who has it all going for him, yet self-destructs before he realizes his ultimate goals and dreams. Or when they achieve incredible heights, only to fall quickly by way of their own horrible choices. Yet, I find myself in a similar place.
If I'm not willing to give someone else sympathy and compassion in this situation, imagine what I'm doing to myself. I must have compassion for myself, self-forgiveness and an eye for the clearer road ahead. I have serious choices to make. Good choices. I have the tools readily available to emerge from this death trap and get back on the road to safety and positive leadership.
Oklahoma's own Vince Gill once sang "There's no future in the past," and oh my, how true that rings. I can't go back in time and prevent what has happened, so why constantly obsess over the elements involved? I can move forward in a positive way, one choice at a time. And when I'm in similar positions someday, I'll appreciate the experience I've gained, giving me the strength and insights to be okay.
Someone I truly care about recently told me to just "be okay." And it sent me in search of what that means. It sounds so simple. "No really. Just. be. okay." I want to be okay.
I think it means to appreciate the positive blessings, let go of the negatives and move forward in peace. I think it means for me to have compassion for myself and others as I navigate the future in this direction, instead of wallowing in the maze of my past. I think it means to stop trying to figure out how to undo what's already done, like it never happened--and make positive steps toward a future where the same mistakes are not repeated. Just be okay.
That's where I am. I'm working on being okay. I'm reaching for the door handle leading out of this place. The sun shines on the other side of this door. Why would I choose to stay in the darkness? There's fresh air out there, there's love, there's peace, there's family and friends...there's hope and promise.
I've deflected every inquiry from family and friends about what I want for Christmas. I simply want peace. I simply want to be okay. And this Christmas wish isn't something anyone else can give me.
I'm here. I'm choosing to release myself from the imprisoning thoughts of yesterday. I'm choosing to live today.
I wish you the best Christmas wish I can, that you find peace, love and most of all, you find yourself being okay.
Thank you for reading, my friend. Thank you for your incredible support. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being you.
Merry Christmas,
Sean
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Day All About Living
A Day All About Living
It's hard to believe this is my fifth Thanksgiving since starting along this road. I started with a 5K at the stroke of midnight and I'll do another late afternoon in between dinners. Yes, dinners. I'm traveling to Stillwater with my daughters for a mid-day dinner with mom and family, then back to Ponca City for an evening version with my daughters at their mom's house. There will be food. Plenty of food.
How does this food addict make it through Thanksgiving without spiraling into a months long bender?
Knowing my limits is key. In weight loss mode or maintenance mode, I must have a limit. I'll allow 2500 calories, if needed. I say " if needed" because I remember a few years ago getting late in the evening and eating more simply for the sake of hitting 2500. That's silly. I'm in weight loss mode and much less likely to be silly this year.
I'll still avoid certain high-calorie, high-fat and super sweet things, like pecan pie and, uh...pecan pie. In all fairness to pecan pie, it is delicious indeed. The first four Thanksgivings along this road, I thought I was avoiding pecan pie based on caloric value alone. I now understand there's more to it than that. I'm avoiding it this year for the calorie value reason, plus--with its super rich sugar content, I'm confident it's one of my trigger foods.
I'll eat reasonably and my plate(s) will be an example of what doesn't trigger my urge to binge. I'll have some turkey breast, a normal size portion of mashed potatoes, a small portion of dressing, some vegetables and even a slice of pumpkin pie. Maybe a roll, maybe not. I've never been a big bread person.
We're all different. What doesn't trigger me may send you reeling. Noticing, being aware and honestly assessing our individual limits is paramount to our success.
The conditioning that Thanksgiving must be a holiday where everyone gets stuffed beyond reason is ridiculous to me now. It is traditionally centered around food, but that doesn't mean I have to conform to tradition. I will keep my focus on the best parts of Thanksgiving--the family, the love and the many blessings in my life. The food will take a back seat, a minor role. The food will be good, no doubt, but I will not make it a day all about food. I will make it a day all about living.
If you're celebrating Thanksgiving today, make it one to remember for all the best reasons. I'll do the same!
Thank you for reading, Happy Thanksgiving and...
Good Choices,
Sean
It's hard to believe this is my fifth Thanksgiving since starting along this road. I started with a 5K at the stroke of midnight and I'll do another late afternoon in between dinners. Yes, dinners. I'm traveling to Stillwater with my daughters for a mid-day dinner with mom and family, then back to Ponca City for an evening version with my daughters at their mom's house. There will be food. Plenty of food.
How does this food addict make it through Thanksgiving without spiraling into a months long bender?
Knowing my limits is key. In weight loss mode or maintenance mode, I must have a limit. I'll allow 2500 calories, if needed. I say " if needed" because I remember a few years ago getting late in the evening and eating more simply for the sake of hitting 2500. That's silly. I'm in weight loss mode and much less likely to be silly this year.
I'll still avoid certain high-calorie, high-fat and super sweet things, like pecan pie and, uh...pecan pie. In all fairness to pecan pie, it is delicious indeed. The first four Thanksgivings along this road, I thought I was avoiding pecan pie based on caloric value alone. I now understand there's more to it than that. I'm avoiding it this year for the calorie value reason, plus--with its super rich sugar content, I'm confident it's one of my trigger foods.
I'll eat reasonably and my plate(s) will be an example of what doesn't trigger my urge to binge. I'll have some turkey breast, a normal size portion of mashed potatoes, a small portion of dressing, some vegetables and even a slice of pumpkin pie. Maybe a roll, maybe not. I've never been a big bread person.
We're all different. What doesn't trigger me may send you reeling. Noticing, being aware and honestly assessing our individual limits is paramount to our success.
The conditioning that Thanksgiving must be a holiday where everyone gets stuffed beyond reason is ridiculous to me now. It is traditionally centered around food, but that doesn't mean I have to conform to tradition. I will keep my focus on the best parts of Thanksgiving--the family, the love and the many blessings in my life. The food will take a back seat, a minor role. The food will be good, no doubt, but I will not make it a day all about food. I will make it a day all about living.
If you're celebrating Thanksgiving today, make it one to remember for all the best reasons. I'll do the same!
Thank you for reading, Happy Thanksgiving and...
Good Choices,
Sean
This picture is from last holiday season. I had been at goal for just over a year. I look at this picture and realize getting back there isn't really that far down the road physically. It is worlds away mentally when compared to the struggles of the last six months. I'm so thankful today for the hands extended me while reaching out recently. With strength from above and amazing support from so many, I'm choosing change. And I'm doing it with new information about my strengths and weaknesses. A life forever free from the chains of obesity was once just a dream. I'm wide awake now and learning what it takes for the forever part.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Pan Pizza and Ice Cream Cakes, Mercy
Pan Pizza and Ice Cream Cakes, Mercy
My life has had many ironic twists along the way. A running irony is how my job sometimes requires me to be a salesman of everything from different restaurants to grocery items. Yep, that's me talking about the new pan pizza with its "double layers of cheese and toppings all the way to the edge." My voice shifts into a slightly seductive tone as I try my best to convince you to try this pan pizza masterpiece. It's my job. It's what I do. In the "zone" I never really gave it too much thought. Recently, I've spent more time examining the many facets of me while in the depths of struggle. This slice of irony keeps rising in this introspective study like the fresh-never frozen pan pizza dough I've been talking about.
Saturday found me broadcasting at a store where my entire job was to broadcast the many specials you'll find "for a Thanksgiving dinner they'll never forget!" Four hours speaking about Sister Shubert's Dinner Yeast Rolls, pecan pies, summer sausage and fifty other grocery items along the way. And most of it doesn't really bother me at all. I mean really--Thursday will mark my fifth Thanksgiving since I started along this road, my strategy will be the same as the previous four. I'll add 1,000 calories to my budget and I'll be very mindful of what I allow into the budget and what I won't. After researching the calories of pecan pie at my first Thanksgiving (first as in--you know what I mean), I made a very clear decision to abstain. It just wasn't worth the investment. So talking about the pecan pies wasn't that big of a deal. But then...well...
I was approached by the manager in my last broadcast hour requesting that I promote the new Blue Bunny Heath Bar and Reese's Ice Cream Cakes. I'll tell you right now, the Heath Bar Ice Cream Cake---it's like the new recipe department at Blue Bunny was aiming straight at me with this one. One of my biggest weaknesses over the previous six months of struggle was the small Heath Bar Mix at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store. Want to read some crazy rationalizations? It's a small--made with low fat frozen yogurt--only 450 calories-- It started with an occasional small. With a food addict like me, it never ends as a once every month or two treat or something reasonable. Nope. At my worst, I would order the large--a whopping 700+ calories in one cup. I would grab it--then look around as I drove away, hoping nobody spotted me getting my fix. Then, as if I was being followed and trying to shake a tail, I would wind my way through the residential blocks separating me from my apartment--or my dungeon of guilt and shame, if you will. I will not allow Heath Bar Mixes into my life again. Not a portion, not a bite, not once every month or two--not ever. I'm finally accepting the deepest, most important truths of my food addiction. And that is this: There are some things--especially items with concentrated fat and sugar, I must abstain from for the rest of my life. Period.
Anyway--back to the manager and these Blue Bunny Ice Cream Cakes. He asked me to promote the free samples and coupons they were giving away to shoppers. He even invited me in to try it so "you can tell 'em how good it is..." Uh, yeah--no thanks, I can easily do this without having a sample. It's ice cream and a candy bar--it kind of sells itself. He also gave me a three dollar off coupon to serve as a reminder for the promotion.
Now, I assure you I didn't go anywhere near the free samples. I didn't buy one either. I talked about these new cakes from Blue Bunny and how wonderful it would be for you to have one ready in the freezer when your company arrives this holiday weekend. I sold it. I sold it very well. I almost sold myself.
I couldn't get these cakes off my brain. During and after a later broadcast at a car dealer, it was on my brain again. When I finished at the car dealership, I looked down and there it was. The coupon. And in the name of completely honest transparency--I'll admit...
I wanted one.
I did. I wanted it bad. The picture on the coupon promised it would be even dreamier than the frozen yogurt mix Braum's deals from their drive-through. This is premium ice cream and Heath Bar.
My mind started racing as it tried to find some kind of out, some kind of rational thought that would excuse such a deliberate act of indulgence. I knew, if that new cake found its way into my apartment, I would destroy it in short time. And I knew I had to stop and ask for help.
I have friends who will ask why I didn't stop and call them in this moment. And trust me, my friends--you'll be getting calls like that from me, I'm sure. Because I'm not throwing away my life over an ice cream cake, a new pan pizza or the sesame chicken from the Chinese Express.
I stopped and said a prayer. Out loud. I took a deep breath and headed home.
This isn't easy. In fact, I find it more challenging than ever. It reminds me of a wonderful moment I had during my first year of weight loss. My phone lit up with an "unknown" and I almost didn't answer. I'm glad I did because it was one of my heroes, Richard Simmons. We talked for several minutes and I casually mentioned "lusting" over food. And he replied, "don't we all!" I didn't fully appreciate what Richard meant until now.
Being strong willed, being in the zone, having weight loss success---all of it doesn't keep us from being human. And in our own human state of being--enmeshed in our own way of dealing with emotions and circumstances, the allure of escape with food is powerful.
Standing up against this powerful force requires calling upon a higher power and sometimes, simply calling a friend. We can overcome. We can be equally as powerful in our good choices. We can arm ourselves with details exclusive to who we are and how we're affected--then navigate the wonderful world of food with a little less fear and a whole lot more knowledge.
I'm getting stronger everyday. I'm slowly moving toward regaining consistency in my workouts and I also plan on devising a new weigh day schedule to be unveiled in the coming days.
As for the ironic workplace "hazards" mentioned above, I'm okay. I love what I do for a living and I know I'm very blessed to be able to do what I do. My dream of writing and speaking more often about weight loss and the powerful dynamics along this road will come true and will be my full time job someday. Just not today. In the meantime I'll be the sugary suggestive voice you might hear, doing my best to sell you ice cream cakes and pizzas. If you're a food addict like me, please feel free to turn down the volume.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
My life has had many ironic twists along the way. A running irony is how my job sometimes requires me to be a salesman of everything from different restaurants to grocery items. Yep, that's me talking about the new pan pizza with its "double layers of cheese and toppings all the way to the edge." My voice shifts into a slightly seductive tone as I try my best to convince you to try this pan pizza masterpiece. It's my job. It's what I do. In the "zone" I never really gave it too much thought. Recently, I've spent more time examining the many facets of me while in the depths of struggle. This slice of irony keeps rising in this introspective study like the fresh-never frozen pan pizza dough I've been talking about.
Saturday found me broadcasting at a store where my entire job was to broadcast the many specials you'll find "for a Thanksgiving dinner they'll never forget!" Four hours speaking about Sister Shubert's Dinner Yeast Rolls, pecan pies, summer sausage and fifty other grocery items along the way. And most of it doesn't really bother me at all. I mean really--Thursday will mark my fifth Thanksgiving since I started along this road, my strategy will be the same as the previous four. I'll add 1,000 calories to my budget and I'll be very mindful of what I allow into the budget and what I won't. After researching the calories of pecan pie at my first Thanksgiving (first as in--you know what I mean), I made a very clear decision to abstain. It just wasn't worth the investment. So talking about the pecan pies wasn't that big of a deal. But then...well...
I was approached by the manager in my last broadcast hour requesting that I promote the new Blue Bunny Heath Bar and Reese's Ice Cream Cakes. I'll tell you right now, the Heath Bar Ice Cream Cake---it's like the new recipe department at Blue Bunny was aiming straight at me with this one. One of my biggest weaknesses over the previous six months of struggle was the small Heath Bar Mix at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store. Want to read some crazy rationalizations? It's a small--made with low fat frozen yogurt--only 450 calories-- It started with an occasional small. With a food addict like me, it never ends as a once every month or two treat or something reasonable. Nope. At my worst, I would order the large--a whopping 700+ calories in one cup. I would grab it--then look around as I drove away, hoping nobody spotted me getting my fix. Then, as if I was being followed and trying to shake a tail, I would wind my way through the residential blocks separating me from my apartment--or my dungeon of guilt and shame, if you will. I will not allow Heath Bar Mixes into my life again. Not a portion, not a bite, not once every month or two--not ever. I'm finally accepting the deepest, most important truths of my food addiction. And that is this: There are some things--especially items with concentrated fat and sugar, I must abstain from for the rest of my life. Period.
Anyway--back to the manager and these Blue Bunny Ice Cream Cakes. He asked me to promote the free samples and coupons they were giving away to shoppers. He even invited me in to try it so "you can tell 'em how good it is..." Uh, yeah--no thanks, I can easily do this without having a sample. It's ice cream and a candy bar--it kind of sells itself. He also gave me a three dollar off coupon to serve as a reminder for the promotion.
Now, I assure you I didn't go anywhere near the free samples. I didn't buy one either. I talked about these new cakes from Blue Bunny and how wonderful it would be for you to have one ready in the freezer when your company arrives this holiday weekend. I sold it. I sold it very well. I almost sold myself.
I couldn't get these cakes off my brain. During and after a later broadcast at a car dealer, it was on my brain again. When I finished at the car dealership, I looked down and there it was. The coupon. And in the name of completely honest transparency--I'll admit...
I wanted one.
I did. I wanted it bad. The picture on the coupon promised it would be even dreamier than the frozen yogurt mix Braum's deals from their drive-through. This is premium ice cream and Heath Bar.
My mind started racing as it tried to find some kind of out, some kind of rational thought that would excuse such a deliberate act of indulgence. I knew, if that new cake found its way into my apartment, I would destroy it in short time. And I knew I had to stop and ask for help.
I have friends who will ask why I didn't stop and call them in this moment. And trust me, my friends--you'll be getting calls like that from me, I'm sure. Because I'm not throwing away my life over an ice cream cake, a new pan pizza or the sesame chicken from the Chinese Express.
I stopped and said a prayer. Out loud. I took a deep breath and headed home.
This isn't easy. In fact, I find it more challenging than ever. It reminds me of a wonderful moment I had during my first year of weight loss. My phone lit up with an "unknown" and I almost didn't answer. I'm glad I did because it was one of my heroes, Richard Simmons. We talked for several minutes and I casually mentioned "lusting" over food. And he replied, "don't we all!" I didn't fully appreciate what Richard meant until now.
Being strong willed, being in the zone, having weight loss success---all of it doesn't keep us from being human. And in our own human state of being--enmeshed in our own way of dealing with emotions and circumstances, the allure of escape with food is powerful.
Standing up against this powerful force requires calling upon a higher power and sometimes, simply calling a friend. We can overcome. We can be equally as powerful in our good choices. We can arm ourselves with details exclusive to who we are and how we're affected--then navigate the wonderful world of food with a little less fear and a whole lot more knowledge.
I'm getting stronger everyday. I'm slowly moving toward regaining consistency in my workouts and I also plan on devising a new weigh day schedule to be unveiled in the coming days.
As for the ironic workplace "hazards" mentioned above, I'm okay. I love what I do for a living and I know I'm very blessed to be able to do what I do. My dream of writing and speaking more often about weight loss and the powerful dynamics along this road will come true and will be my full time job someday. Just not today. In the meantime I'll be the sugary suggestive voice you might hear, doing my best to sell you ice cream cakes and pizzas. If you're a food addict like me, please feel free to turn down the volume.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Staying In The Present
Staying In The Present
Yesterday was my two year anniversary of hitting goal. (Click here to see the post from Goal Day) It was a magical day I'll never forget. I had mentioned it earlier in the week on facebook, yet I DID forgot about it all day yesterday.
How could I forget?
It was a very busy Friday in radio land with my morning show, commercial production and a remote broadcast from 1 to 5pm. Not once did I reflect on the significance of the day. I focused exclusively on staying within the limits of my calorie budget.
It's appropriate really. I've spent way too much time celebrating my victory and not enough time taking care of myself in order to maintain. Instead of celebrating yesterday, I was planning my strategy for a successful food day. I was staying in the present. Being aware; realizing these are critically important times for my development is a constant focus.
I made sure to get up early enough to prepare and pack items to get me through an eleven hour day. I started with an egg white/mozzarella/turkey bacon breakfast taco with a couple extra strips of turkey bacon. I packed apples, carrots, and yogurt as snacks for the long day ahead. I came home and prepared lunch right before my 1pm broadcast. A good lunch was exactly what I needed, insuring I wouldn't feel hungry when the free pizzas arrived during the event. Because yes--free pizzas, and plenty of them are a regular feature of many of these. Of course hunger, with or without, hasn't necessarily been a binge factor to me. In other words, I never had to be physically hungry to dive into a binge. Not being hungry during the broadcast would be one of the elements helping me avoid the free pizza table, but really--probably the smallest element.
Learning how I react to certain foods has been and continues to be an ongoing education. Identifying my personal trigger foods is invaluable information for my continued success. Identifying foods and meals that satisfy me without torturing my resolve, without triggering the compulsive side is equally important.
This lunch was a delicious 300 calories. It was satisfying and it didn't send me into a feeding frenzy fight for my life.
I ignored the pizza table at my broadcast. Two different people suggested "better grab some pizza" and "there's pizza back there..."
Yeah...I know exactly where to find the pizza. I also know where I want to be mentally and physically and a mid-afternoon pizza snack doesn't fit into that plan. "Thank you, I'm good" was my response.
By the way--My broadcast was at a water company. It was a nice reminder to up my water consumption. Getting enough water has been an ongoing challenge over the last four years.
I finished my day with turkey burgers (yes two) and a late walk in the park. It was a very nice anniversary day.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Yesterday was my two year anniversary of hitting goal. (Click here to see the post from Goal Day) It was a magical day I'll never forget. I had mentioned it earlier in the week on facebook, yet I DID forgot about it all day yesterday.
How could I forget?
It was a very busy Friday in radio land with my morning show, commercial production and a remote broadcast from 1 to 5pm. Not once did I reflect on the significance of the day. I focused exclusively on staying within the limits of my calorie budget.
It's appropriate really. I've spent way too much time celebrating my victory and not enough time taking care of myself in order to maintain. Instead of celebrating yesterday, I was planning my strategy for a successful food day. I was staying in the present. Being aware; realizing these are critically important times for my development is a constant focus.
I made sure to get up early enough to prepare and pack items to get me through an eleven hour day. I started with an egg white/mozzarella/turkey bacon breakfast taco with a couple extra strips of turkey bacon. I packed apples, carrots, and yogurt as snacks for the long day ahead. I came home and prepared lunch right before my 1pm broadcast. A good lunch was exactly what I needed, insuring I wouldn't feel hungry when the free pizzas arrived during the event. Because yes--free pizzas, and plenty of them are a regular feature of many of these. Of course hunger, with or without, hasn't necessarily been a binge factor to me. In other words, I never had to be physically hungry to dive into a binge. Not being hungry during the broadcast would be one of the elements helping me avoid the free pizza table, but really--probably the smallest element.
Learning how I react to certain foods has been and continues to be an ongoing education. Identifying my personal trigger foods is invaluable information for my continued success. Identifying foods and meals that satisfy me without torturing my resolve, without triggering the compulsive side is equally important.
This lunch was a delicious 300 calories. It was satisfying and it didn't send me into a feeding frenzy fight for my life.
I ignored the pizza table at my broadcast. Two different people suggested "better grab some pizza" and "there's pizza back there..."
Yeah...I know exactly where to find the pizza. I also know where I want to be mentally and physically and a mid-afternoon pizza snack doesn't fit into that plan. "Thank you, I'm good" was my response.
By the way--My broadcast was at a water company. It was a nice reminder to up my water consumption. Getting enough water has been an ongoing challenge over the last four years.
I finished my day with turkey burgers (yes two) and a late walk in the park. It was a very nice anniversary day.
Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
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