May 14th, 2014 Doing Better With Food
I'm eating a lot better these days. It isn't easy and I certainly don't come by it naturally. It takes effort and I'm finding it's a little more expensive at the grocery store. I still eat what I like and nothing I don't, I'm just taking a little more care in the selection and preparation of my food. I'm planning better and practicing patience. I'm slowing down and discovering how much I really enjoy the process.
I baked some large mushroom caps tonight. Oh my--incredible. I filled the center with a 1/2 serving of marinara, 1/2 a 35 calorie wedge of Laughing Cow Light French Onion and topped it with a 50 calorie slice of mozzarella. I baked it at 350 for 40 minutes (probably too long--25-30 would work). It was like eating a mini mushroom pizza without the crust. It was phenomenal. I used Newman's Own All Natural Marinara. After dinner I looked at the label and discovered it contained sugar. Hmmmm. I'm doing a fantastic job staying away from simple sugar and the results have been wonderful. The results I'm talking about is no binges and no crazy mind fights thinking about a binge. I'm not sugar free, after all sugar is listed as an ingredient in my 10 calorie a teaspoon non-flavored coffee creamer. But I've cut it most everywhere else. In fact, I may have cut it out completely except for the coffee creamer because I can't pinpoint any other obvious source. I'll be looking for a sugar free marinara or I'll make it myself. Tomatoes and spices--and I will be making the mushroom pizza caps again. Mushroom Pizza Caps...I like that name.
The sugar/binge/urge to binge correlation is something you hear people talk about all the time. And for the longest time I didn't want to believe it or accept it. Now that I'm a little more studied on how addiction works, I believe and fully accept. It helps that I've opened my mind enough to hear what the people around me are saying.
I don't feel deprived either. I'm eating, I'm hardly ever hungry and I'm focused. And that's a huge blessing for me.
The workout tonight was cut short at 20 minutes when my neck started bothering me. I slept on it wrong or something and now there's a low hum of tension that's hard to ignore. I was distracted. 20 minutes on that killer machine is still good. And I'll be back on it tomorrow.
I'm headed to bed with the my calorie bank closed until tomorrow. I post a picture and calorie count of everything I eat on Twitter (@SeanAAnderson), you're welcome to check it out. I've developed hashtag for the last thing I eat everyday. It's #lastfoodofday. That simple hashtag puts a bookend on my food and sends a message to my brain: That's it, Calorie Bank closed, come back in the morning!
I must pay closer attention to my time management. I upset my sleeping schedule over the weekend by staying up too late both nights. I'm still trying to correct. I am sleeping better with the new mask. Much better, actually.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good
May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good
The young man I wrote about in last night's blog did a fantastic job on the air this morning. Anyone who listened had to agree. He called at precisely 6:40am to the second and I went straight to air with his call. No pre-air chat prior and he handled it like a pro. If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. I can't count how many people I've tried to interview, most of them about their own business--and they can't do it. The thought of broadcasting live over the air and knowing people are listening is too much for some to handle. But not this young man, not this morning. He was on. And he was awesome.
By the way, if you're not local to me and you want to listen to my morning show, you can online and even on your smart phone. The phone app is called FreeStreams...download it, then search for 100.7FM KPNC. On your PC or Tablet, visit www.poncacitynow.com and click the "listen live" drop down menu, then select KPNC. I should have included that in last night's post.
The way I've felt lately reminds me of the very early days of this blog. The level of determination to reclaim my healthiest weight is very much iron clad. What's great about this time around is understanding myself so much better than before.
I'm also of the mindset, I'd like to have a do-over on being at a healthy weight. I wasn't equipped to properly handle it before. I was dealing with so many new experiences and emotions I didn't expect while I was living at goal. In some ways, I felt like a stranger to myself. When I started to regain, it was almost like an attempt to get back to the place where I was most comfortable emotionally. Not physically, of course, but emotionally. Anyone who's lost a "looks like a completely different person" amount of weight knows what I'm talking about when I say it felt strange to look in the mirror or at pictures...is that really me? I don't see myself like that when I close my eyes. I don't remember having a dream where I was at a healthy weight. I was still a morbidly obese person in my dreams. It was as if my brain was rejecting the new me. This isn't an excuse of any kind, it's simply an interesting dynamic. I quickly realized all of my problems didn't magically go away because I was physically different at 230 pounds. I was so disappointed. I often talked and wrote about this other work involved, but clearly I was hoping it would be far less work.
What it says to me is this: The inside work is just as crucial as the food and exercise. And ultimately, the inside work will not be denied. If it's ignored, it will assert itself in whatever way it needs to get the attention and care it demands and rightly deserves. Failed relationships? Did it. Self-destructive behaviors? Yep. Gaining back over half the weight I lost despite having so many wonderful reasons to take the best care? Of course.
The goal now is a more balanced approach. It's an approach where I pay just as much attention to what I need emotionally and spiritually, as I do to what I need physically. I want to speak to a group someday, just as Phil Werdell did last week, and talk about my 27 years of recovery and maintenance. Or as Gerri does all over the world with her 21 years of maintenance.
What's the best thing about feeling the way I do right now, today? It's discovering that the horribly hopeless thoughts I had while in free fall were all lies. It ISN'T impossible to reclaim the resolve and peace we once enjoyed. I know how it feels to be so out of control, in such a cold dark place---where thought after thought is diametrically opposed to what's better and you feel compelled, like your choices are not your own, as if you're possessed and being taken for a ride you'd rather not take...but you can't get it to stop. Or so it seems. If that's where you are, please believe me--it's not what it seems. There is hope. Don't give up, okay?? Please don't.
The truth is, you may not be a food addict. Seriously! You may be an emotional/stress eater, but not a food addict. Or maybe you're both, like me. If you want to get a better idea, visit foodaddiction.com where you'll find some key questions to ask yourself, questions that can help you have a better understanding one way or the other.
My Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today. I had a craving for chili dogs yesterday so I grabbed some 98% fat free turkey dogs, some turkey chili and some swiss, among several other things. I put together a couple of Turkey Swiss Chili Dogs for dinner tonight--and oh wow, only 190 calories each. It'll be a long while before I want those again, but I'll claim a victory in finding a way to change the errant, once in a blue moon chili dog thought, into something I could easily fit into my budget. I also cut up a small sweet potato and baked 'em into homemade sweet potato fries. The pictures are all on my Twitter feed.
I had a good, sweaty, wonderful workout on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA tonight. Thank you Katrina and The Waves for the boost. I agree, it's time to feel good.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
The young man I wrote about in last night's blog did a fantastic job on the air this morning. Anyone who listened had to agree. He called at precisely 6:40am to the second and I went straight to air with his call. No pre-air chat prior and he handled it like a pro. If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. I can't count how many people I've tried to interview, most of them about their own business--and they can't do it. The thought of broadcasting live over the air and knowing people are listening is too much for some to handle. But not this young man, not this morning. He was on. And he was awesome.
By the way, if you're not local to me and you want to listen to my morning show, you can online and even on your smart phone. The phone app is called FreeStreams...download it, then search for 100.7FM KPNC. On your PC or Tablet, visit www.poncacitynow.com and click the "listen live" drop down menu, then select KPNC. I should have included that in last night's post.
The way I've felt lately reminds me of the very early days of this blog. The level of determination to reclaim my healthiest weight is very much iron clad. What's great about this time around is understanding myself so much better than before.
I'm also of the mindset, I'd like to have a do-over on being at a healthy weight. I wasn't equipped to properly handle it before. I was dealing with so many new experiences and emotions I didn't expect while I was living at goal. In some ways, I felt like a stranger to myself. When I started to regain, it was almost like an attempt to get back to the place where I was most comfortable emotionally. Not physically, of course, but emotionally. Anyone who's lost a "looks like a completely different person" amount of weight knows what I'm talking about when I say it felt strange to look in the mirror or at pictures...is that really me? I don't see myself like that when I close my eyes. I don't remember having a dream where I was at a healthy weight. I was still a morbidly obese person in my dreams. It was as if my brain was rejecting the new me. This isn't an excuse of any kind, it's simply an interesting dynamic. I quickly realized all of my problems didn't magically go away because I was physically different at 230 pounds. I was so disappointed. I often talked and wrote about this other work involved, but clearly I was hoping it would be far less work.
What it says to me is this: The inside work is just as crucial as the food and exercise. And ultimately, the inside work will not be denied. If it's ignored, it will assert itself in whatever way it needs to get the attention and care it demands and rightly deserves. Failed relationships? Did it. Self-destructive behaviors? Yep. Gaining back over half the weight I lost despite having so many wonderful reasons to take the best care? Of course.
The goal now is a more balanced approach. It's an approach where I pay just as much attention to what I need emotionally and spiritually, as I do to what I need physically. I want to speak to a group someday, just as Phil Werdell did last week, and talk about my 27 years of recovery and maintenance. Or as Gerri does all over the world with her 21 years of maintenance.
What's the best thing about feeling the way I do right now, today? It's discovering that the horribly hopeless thoughts I had while in free fall were all lies. It ISN'T impossible to reclaim the resolve and peace we once enjoyed. I know how it feels to be so out of control, in such a cold dark place---where thought after thought is diametrically opposed to what's better and you feel compelled, like your choices are not your own, as if you're possessed and being taken for a ride you'd rather not take...but you can't get it to stop. Or so it seems. If that's where you are, please believe me--it's not what it seems. There is hope. Don't give up, okay?? Please don't.
The truth is, you may not be a food addict. Seriously! You may be an emotional/stress eater, but not a food addict. Or maybe you're both, like me. If you want to get a better idea, visit foodaddiction.com where you'll find some key questions to ask yourself, questions that can help you have a better understanding one way or the other.
My Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today. I had a craving for chili dogs yesterday so I grabbed some 98% fat free turkey dogs, some turkey chili and some swiss, among several other things. I put together a couple of Turkey Swiss Chili Dogs for dinner tonight--and oh wow, only 190 calories each. It'll be a long while before I want those again, but I'll claim a victory in finding a way to change the errant, once in a blue moon chili dog thought, into something I could easily fit into my budget. I also cut up a small sweet potato and baked 'em into homemade sweet potato fries. The pictures are all on my Twitter feed.
I had a good, sweaty, wonderful workout on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA tonight. Thank you Katrina and The Waves for the boost. I agree, it's time to feel good.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Monday, May 12, 2014
May 12th, 2014 An Emotional Day
May 12th, 2014 An Emotional Day
It's been a powerful day. It was great day. It was a long day. It was an emotional day. It was a day for gratitude. It was a day I'll not soon forget.
Returning to a regular writing schedule has been one of the best things for me. It's been the most empowering thing to reconnect with the purpose and passion and the bottom line accountability it brings. One thing I will promise you and me: No matter how this goes, it will be chronicled in these pages. In other words, when I fall, it will be here and when I soar, it will be here. In the past, if my journey was the slightest out of alignment and many times, completely off the rails, I would cease writing altogether. Call it hiding, isolating or whatever--I honestly felt what I had to offer during those times wasn't helping me and certainly not others. But the other side of the great days is important too. This isn't about perfection. This is about life. Real life. And real life isn't perfect. It rains sometimes. So there you go, no more sudden disappearances from the blogging world. I've made a commitment to me that is in many ways stronger than my initial weight loss "run." I'm not afraid of the accountability because I have nothing to fear.
Yesterday I shared a list of foods I don't trust myself around anymore. How could I forget cold cereals, milk and mixed nuts? With me, one bowl leads to another and one handful, the same thing. It's important to note that this list has developed from my own personal behavior, habits and track record. I'm not condemning any of these foods, I'm just saying I will not keep them around my living space. This list is something fairly new to me, after all, I was the one "eating what I liked and nothing I didn't," and I always promoted the nothing is off limits philosophy, the idea being to not villain-ize any particular food---but to change the behavior and perspective used while eating them. I still offer the "nothing is off limits" advice to anyone who is just starting and asking it of me. Why? Because I believe it's important to simplify this journey as much as possible in the beginning, then as you go your choices can naturally evolve for a variety of reasons. My food evolution has brought me to sobering truths about my addiction and emotional/stress eating, which are two different things. Now I know things about me that I had no way of knowing in September 2008. Also, when I post every bite of food I consume on twitter, I'm not saying anyone should eat what I'm eating. We all must navigate our own likes and dislikes, and over time, with effort and awareness, our food choices can evolve in a positive way.
I had an emotional afternoon, wonderful, but emotional. I received a private message recently asking if I would come and visit a young man at the Opportunity Village, a sheltered workshop for adults with developmental disabilities. I had met this young man once before at an outdoor festival. The private message shared with me that he listens to my radio show every morning and he talks about me all the time. The person sending the message told me it would mean the world to him for me to visit and she went on to tell me his favorite song. I agreed to visit and it was set for today.
I honestly didn't realize the level of emotion this meeting would evoke. I brought him a CD of his favorite song and with a smile, I made my way into the building where I was greeted and thanked by staff for coming. This young man is blind and bound by a severe developmental disability, the exact kind I don't know, and it doesn't matter. What I do know is the reaction he had upon hearing my voice instantly moved me to holding back tears. There was a big group of people all around as I mustered every bit of will I could to keep from breaking down right then and there.
This young man, so positive, so happy and so inspiring, touched me. He was giving me something far greater than what I brought to him. The visit we shared meant the world to him, this was very clear in every word he said, every question he asked and every touch of my hand. He made a difference in me today. By just being himself and so wonderful, He gave me perspective and reminded me to be grateful and to not take anything for granted, and to be kind, always. He asked if he could be on my show tomorrow (Tuesday) morning at 6:40am to talk about the Oklahoma Special Olympics State Summer Games coming up later this week. Of course he can. It would be my pleasure. What an amazing young man.
When I made it to the car, I pulled out of the parking lot crying harder than I have since I lost my brother in 2001. He reminded me of my little brother Shane. That was it. Connecting with this young man today instantly took my brain back to a time when I could share a conversation with Shane. I was Shane's hero too and I never really felt worthy of that admiration. I also don't think I ever properly or completely grieved over losing him. Back then, I stuffed those emotions down with more food.
The overwhelming emotions today brought an initial compulsion to eat, it did...I recognized it sitting in traffic, wiping my tears with my shirt. I was drained. Instead of eating, I decided to take a nap. I needed one.
I woke up 2.5 hours later. That was way too long for a nap. I didn't need that long of a nap, I assure you. Now I find myself up too late, again.
I started to prepare dinner and realized I was out of too many things, so I opted to dine at the Mexican restaurant not far from my apartment and make a grocery trip later, after my workout. I navigated that restaurant to the best of my ability, getting in and out for 546 calories. My strategy was solid. I counted out the serving of chips, separating them from the bowl. Then I asked the server to remove the remaining chips from the table. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos with the cheese on the side and a small serving of guacamole. I avoided the typical rice and beans, sipped ice water and ended up leaving over 100 calories on the table. (the 546 is the adjusted count)
After dinner I dropped in on my oldest daughter Amber for a quick visit and then it was off to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the elliptical. Thirty minutes may not sound like much--but it is phenomenal what it does for me.
I finished the workout and headed to the grocery store where I shopped while listening to my favorite inspirational/motivational songs. I did this for the first time recently and found that it greatly reduced the desire to waiver from my list. I ran into a couple of people I knew, so I took one ear plug out to talk, then put it back in and rocked my way around the store. It was a nice ending to a powerful day.
I'll be weighing again on Wednesday May 21st, then I'll have a weigh day update every three weeks. That works for me.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
It's been a powerful day. It was great day. It was a long day. It was an emotional day. It was a day for gratitude. It was a day I'll not soon forget.
Returning to a regular writing schedule has been one of the best things for me. It's been the most empowering thing to reconnect with the purpose and passion and the bottom line accountability it brings. One thing I will promise you and me: No matter how this goes, it will be chronicled in these pages. In other words, when I fall, it will be here and when I soar, it will be here. In the past, if my journey was the slightest out of alignment and many times, completely off the rails, I would cease writing altogether. Call it hiding, isolating or whatever--I honestly felt what I had to offer during those times wasn't helping me and certainly not others. But the other side of the great days is important too. This isn't about perfection. This is about life. Real life. And real life isn't perfect. It rains sometimes. So there you go, no more sudden disappearances from the blogging world. I've made a commitment to me that is in many ways stronger than my initial weight loss "run." I'm not afraid of the accountability because I have nothing to fear.
Yesterday I shared a list of foods I don't trust myself around anymore. How could I forget cold cereals, milk and mixed nuts? With me, one bowl leads to another and one handful, the same thing. It's important to note that this list has developed from my own personal behavior, habits and track record. I'm not condemning any of these foods, I'm just saying I will not keep them around my living space. This list is something fairly new to me, after all, I was the one "eating what I liked and nothing I didn't," and I always promoted the nothing is off limits philosophy, the idea being to not villain-ize any particular food---but to change the behavior and perspective used while eating them. I still offer the "nothing is off limits" advice to anyone who is just starting and asking it of me. Why? Because I believe it's important to simplify this journey as much as possible in the beginning, then as you go your choices can naturally evolve for a variety of reasons. My food evolution has brought me to sobering truths about my addiction and emotional/stress eating, which are two different things. Now I know things about me that I had no way of knowing in September 2008. Also, when I post every bite of food I consume on twitter, I'm not saying anyone should eat what I'm eating. We all must navigate our own likes and dislikes, and over time, with effort and awareness, our food choices can evolve in a positive way.
I had an emotional afternoon, wonderful, but emotional. I received a private message recently asking if I would come and visit a young man at the Opportunity Village, a sheltered workshop for adults with developmental disabilities. I had met this young man once before at an outdoor festival. The private message shared with me that he listens to my radio show every morning and he talks about me all the time. The person sending the message told me it would mean the world to him for me to visit and she went on to tell me his favorite song. I agreed to visit and it was set for today.
I honestly didn't realize the level of emotion this meeting would evoke. I brought him a CD of his favorite song and with a smile, I made my way into the building where I was greeted and thanked by staff for coming. This young man is blind and bound by a severe developmental disability, the exact kind I don't know, and it doesn't matter. What I do know is the reaction he had upon hearing my voice instantly moved me to holding back tears. There was a big group of people all around as I mustered every bit of will I could to keep from breaking down right then and there.
This young man, so positive, so happy and so inspiring, touched me. He was giving me something far greater than what I brought to him. The visit we shared meant the world to him, this was very clear in every word he said, every question he asked and every touch of my hand. He made a difference in me today. By just being himself and so wonderful, He gave me perspective and reminded me to be grateful and to not take anything for granted, and to be kind, always. He asked if he could be on my show tomorrow (Tuesday) morning at 6:40am to talk about the Oklahoma Special Olympics State Summer Games coming up later this week. Of course he can. It would be my pleasure. What an amazing young man.
When I made it to the car, I pulled out of the parking lot crying harder than I have since I lost my brother in 2001. He reminded me of my little brother Shane. That was it. Connecting with this young man today instantly took my brain back to a time when I could share a conversation with Shane. I was Shane's hero too and I never really felt worthy of that admiration. I also don't think I ever properly or completely grieved over losing him. Back then, I stuffed those emotions down with more food.
The overwhelming emotions today brought an initial compulsion to eat, it did...I recognized it sitting in traffic, wiping my tears with my shirt. I was drained. Instead of eating, I decided to take a nap. I needed one.
I woke up 2.5 hours later. That was way too long for a nap. I didn't need that long of a nap, I assure you. Now I find myself up too late, again.
I started to prepare dinner and realized I was out of too many things, so I opted to dine at the Mexican restaurant not far from my apartment and make a grocery trip later, after my workout. I navigated that restaurant to the best of my ability, getting in and out for 546 calories. My strategy was solid. I counted out the serving of chips, separating them from the bowl. Then I asked the server to remove the remaining chips from the table. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos with the cheese on the side and a small serving of guacamole. I avoided the typical rice and beans, sipped ice water and ended up leaving over 100 calories on the table. (the 546 is the adjusted count)
After dinner I dropped in on my oldest daughter Amber for a quick visit and then it was off to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the elliptical. Thirty minutes may not sound like much--but it is phenomenal what it does for me.
I finished the workout and headed to the grocery store where I shopped while listening to my favorite inspirational/motivational songs. I did this for the first time recently and found that it greatly reduced the desire to waiver from my list. I ran into a couple of people I knew, so I took one ear plug out to talk, then put it back in and rocked my way around the store. It was a nice ending to a powerful day.
I'll be weighing again on Wednesday May 21st, then I'll have a weigh day update every three weeks. That works for me.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Sunday, May 11, 2014
May 11th, 2014 Mother's Day Out
May 11th, 2014 Mother's Day Out
Today was a good day off work. I slept in, prepared a wonderful breakfast, made a trip to Stillwater for lunch with Mom on Mother's Day and I came home and cooked a good meal for dinner.
Mom and I enjoyed lunch at a place called McAlister's Deli. I hadn't been there before, mom had and she assured me it was very good. My main thing when dining out is nutritional information. I immediately scanned the menu and didn't see any counts. So I asked for a nutritional pamphlet and I was told all of the information was online, which I had already searched for and was having trouble finding. So I said, "surely you have something with printed nutritional information, somewhere." And yes, they did. But they only had one copy. The manager was very nice and allowed me to look it over before ordering as long as I promised to give it back. I settled on the McAlister's Club 1/2 sandwich and a cup of fire roasted vegetable soup with four saltines for a total of 446 calories. I finished and was still slightly hungry and since I had plenty of room in my calorie budget, I started thinking about what I could order next.
This could have been where it all goes bad. And I almost ordered another 1/2 sandwich, but settled on another cup of soup and 4 more crackers, for an additional 116 calories. Turns out that was all I needed, because I felt satisfied afterward.
Mom and I had a great conversation, not necessarily about food and exercise--no, we always go deeper. We talked about our experiences and the mental and emotional dynamics of why we do or don't do things. It was a good talk and a wonderful Mothers Day.
I have a list of certain foods I will not keep around my apartment. The list has grown, especially over the last couple of years. It's a trial and error kind of thing. I once thought I could keep a box of low calorie reduced fat ice cream treats in the freezer...and I do well when I'm sharing with someone else, but alone it's another story. I'll keep going back until they're gone. On the list it goes. Block cheddar cheese...OMGoodness, I love block cheddar--especially extra sharp. But again, it's one of those foods I get a little crazy around. Peanut butter--when my oldest daughter Amber was living with me, she would occasionally buy peanut butter. After one too many trips to the jar I requested she hide the jar where I wouldn't look. Guess what? That didn't work either. One night, okay--check that--several nights, I'd go on the hunt and eventually find the jar...In the laundry room...very sneaky...she even hid it in a small metal container on an overhead shelf. I knew I had a problem with peanut butter long before I asked her to hide the jar (that I found every time), I suppose I was greatly underestimating my addiction. What else is on the list? Let's see...
Bagged chips of any kind
sugar (of course)
Cottage cheese (I occasionally make an exception as long as it's the small container--because even if I ate the whole thing, it would only set me back 400 and something calories.)
Cookies
snack cakes
or any other sugar filled thing
pretzels
saltine crackers (I only eat these in controlled portions, either in a restaurant or as a guest in somebody else's home.)
I bring this topic up because I bought a wheel of Laughing Cow Light Swiss cheese spread wedges last night. As I ate the first two, I tweeted the picture with "Grabbed a wheel of these tonight. I'll see if I can control myself around them..."
There's only two left...24 hours later. At 35 calories each, not too big of a deal. But I'm being very cautious and very aware of my behavior.
I haven't felt this solid and headed in the right direction since my initial weight loss and that feels amazing. because I'll tell you--when you're out of control and gaining weight, it sometimes feels as if it's impossible to ever get back in control again. It's a scary place to be. I've been there. And I'm here to report and prove, it's not impossible.
I'm so happy, so blessed to be in the mindset I am now--once again. And now, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to protect it. That's why I'm documenting each day every night on this blog and that's why I'm tweeting pictures and calorie counts of every single thing I eat--along with the corresponding MyFitnessPal entry. It is what I need to do for me. You're welcome to join me on both! Twitter: @SeanAAnderson And I'm simply SeanAAnderson on MyFitnesspal.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was a good day off work. I slept in, prepared a wonderful breakfast, made a trip to Stillwater for lunch with Mom on Mother's Day and I came home and cooked a good meal for dinner.
Mom and I enjoyed lunch at a place called McAlister's Deli. I hadn't been there before, mom had and she assured me it was very good. My main thing when dining out is nutritional information. I immediately scanned the menu and didn't see any counts. So I asked for a nutritional pamphlet and I was told all of the information was online, which I had already searched for and was having trouble finding. So I said, "surely you have something with printed nutritional information, somewhere." And yes, they did. But they only had one copy. The manager was very nice and allowed me to look it over before ordering as long as I promised to give it back. I settled on the McAlister's Club 1/2 sandwich and a cup of fire roasted vegetable soup with four saltines for a total of 446 calories. I finished and was still slightly hungry and since I had plenty of room in my calorie budget, I started thinking about what I could order next.
This could have been where it all goes bad. And I almost ordered another 1/2 sandwich, but settled on another cup of soup and 4 more crackers, for an additional 116 calories. Turns out that was all I needed, because I felt satisfied afterward.
Mom and I had a great conversation, not necessarily about food and exercise--no, we always go deeper. We talked about our experiences and the mental and emotional dynamics of why we do or don't do things. It was a good talk and a wonderful Mothers Day.
I have a list of certain foods I will not keep around my apartment. The list has grown, especially over the last couple of years. It's a trial and error kind of thing. I once thought I could keep a box of low calorie reduced fat ice cream treats in the freezer...and I do well when I'm sharing with someone else, but alone it's another story. I'll keep going back until they're gone. On the list it goes. Block cheddar cheese...OMGoodness, I love block cheddar--especially extra sharp. But again, it's one of those foods I get a little crazy around. Peanut butter--when my oldest daughter Amber was living with me, she would occasionally buy peanut butter. After one too many trips to the jar I requested she hide the jar where I wouldn't look. Guess what? That didn't work either. One night, okay--check that--several nights, I'd go on the hunt and eventually find the jar...In the laundry room...very sneaky...she even hid it in a small metal container on an overhead shelf. I knew I had a problem with peanut butter long before I asked her to hide the jar (that I found every time), I suppose I was greatly underestimating my addiction. What else is on the list? Let's see...
Bagged chips of any kind
sugar (of course)
Cottage cheese (I occasionally make an exception as long as it's the small container--because even if I ate the whole thing, it would only set me back 400 and something calories.)
Cookies
snack cakes
or any other sugar filled thing
pretzels
saltine crackers (I only eat these in controlled portions, either in a restaurant or as a guest in somebody else's home.)
I bring this topic up because I bought a wheel of Laughing Cow Light Swiss cheese spread wedges last night. As I ate the first two, I tweeted the picture with "Grabbed a wheel of these tonight. I'll see if I can control myself around them..."
There's only two left...24 hours later. At 35 calories each, not too big of a deal. But I'm being very cautious and very aware of my behavior.
I haven't felt this solid and headed in the right direction since my initial weight loss and that feels amazing. because I'll tell you--when you're out of control and gaining weight, it sometimes feels as if it's impossible to ever get back in control again. It's a scary place to be. I've been there. And I'm here to report and prove, it's not impossible.
I'm so happy, so blessed to be in the mindset I am now--once again. And now, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to protect it. That's why I'm documenting each day every night on this blog and that's why I'm tweeting pictures and calorie counts of every single thing I eat--along with the corresponding MyFitnessPal entry. It is what I need to do for me. You're welcome to join me on both! Twitter: @SeanAAnderson And I'm simply SeanAAnderson on MyFitnesspal.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Saturday, May 10, 2014
May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought
May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought
I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning. It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon. I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me. It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day. Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.
My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three. What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain. After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today. A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right. I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller. I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.
It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success. I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be. It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day. When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour. My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment. And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.
I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey. I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey. See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today. I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk. I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits. I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me. Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.
I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles. I might need to consider a new pair of shoes. The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.
Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up. This could be interesting.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning. It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon. I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me. It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day. Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.
My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three. What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain. After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today. A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right. I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller. I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.
It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success. I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be. It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day. When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour. My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment. And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.
I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey. I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey. See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today. I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk. I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits. I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me. Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.
I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles. I might need to consider a new pair of shoes. The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.
Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up. This could be interesting.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Friday, May 9, 2014
May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me
May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me
I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain. When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.
I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction. I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did. I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point. When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast. Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right. It sets the tone for me. I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about. It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.
Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group. He shared many things I needed to hear. One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance. It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.
The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort. It's a shift in perspective. When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair??? You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff. Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying. But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.
The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze! My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way. And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose.
I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA. I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.
I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment. Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.
The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today. If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson. Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully. And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain. When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.
I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction. I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did. I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point. When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast. Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right. It sets the tone for me. I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about. It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.
Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group. He shared many things I needed to hear. One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance. It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.
The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort. It's a shift in perspective. When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair??? You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff. Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying. But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.
The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze! My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way. And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose.
I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA. I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.
I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment. Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.
The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today. If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson. Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully. And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Thursday, May 8, 2014
May 8th, 2014 Panic!
May 8th, 2014 Panic!
Today was a good day, although a little more challenging. It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.
I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.
This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd. I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all. I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give. I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be. So I said yes.
I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion. And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage. Then I started having a panic attack. I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days. I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...
After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight. I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...
As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan. They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music. Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"
Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.
Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there. I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script. I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra.
I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.
I finished and immediately left the venue. I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting. Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night. My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.
The road back seems much harder than the initial trip. But I'm loving it and learning through it. And I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was a good day, although a little more challenging. It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.
I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.
This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd. I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all. I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give. I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be. So I said yes.
I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion. And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage. Then I started having a panic attack. I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days. I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...
After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight. I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...
As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan. They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music. Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"
Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.
Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there. I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script. I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra.
I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.
I finished and immediately left the venue. I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting. Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night. My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.
The road back seems much harder than the initial trip. But I'm loving it and learning through it. And I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day
May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day
Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional. I woke up feeling rested. I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.
I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...
"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"
I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show. I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff. I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long. Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good. So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.
I must stop right here.
You see...
I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year. I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay. But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain. And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma. It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building. I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.
I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see. If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too. Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe. In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves. And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?
Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"
Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."
Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"
Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."
Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"
Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."
Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."
That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.
Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.
I checked in and went straight for the locker room. I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me. I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.
I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How?? My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.
The songs were speaking to me...
OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."
DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."
Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."
"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me. It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."
I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride. It's beyond description.
What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice. And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five. As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!
I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world. Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom. It was good.
Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully. You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505 The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson
I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional. I woke up feeling rested. I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.
I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...
"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"
I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show. I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff. I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long. Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good. So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.
I must stop right here.
You see...
I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year. I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay. But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain. And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma. It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building. I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.
I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see. If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too. Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe. In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves. And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?
Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"
Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."
Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"
Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."
Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"
Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."
Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."
That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.
Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.
I checked in and went straight for the locker room. I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me. I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.
I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How?? My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.
The songs were speaking to me...
OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."
DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."
Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."
"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me. It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."
I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride. It's beyond description.
What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice. And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five. As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!
I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world. Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom. It was good.
Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully. You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505 The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson
I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
May 6th, 2014 My Obsession
May 6th, 2014 My Obsession
I'm certainly still working on finding a balance with time management. You may have noticed my regular postings, not only on this blog but on twitter and MyFitnessPal--these are accountability tools I've given top priority. And I'm happy to report they're working wonderfully. Is it too much? Obsessive? Perhaps. And that's perfectly fine. It's fine because it's doing wonderful things for me.
I spend a good amount of time alone and I like my time and space, I do. But being alone too much is tricky when you're in recovery. By maintaining a blog writing schedule, facebook and a twitter feed, I instantly don't feel alone at all. And I sincerely thank you for your support.
I'm getting better sleep, although I woke up again this morning with cramping from swallowing air. I still feel more rested than I have in a very long time.
Now that I have my priorities and my accountability tools firmly in place, it's time to rearrange some things for better time management. I must get to bed earlier and still make sure I take the time to exercise and write. I'm making a huge commitment to myself. But I believe it's worth every bit of effort I'm exerting.
I'm cutting this blog entry short because it's 10:30pm and I really must hit the pillow. I'll do it under budget and after just completing a solid 1.7 mile walk.
I enjoyed a wonderful support group call tonight. We had special guest speaker Phil Werdell M.A., the director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute. You can discover their amazing website at www.foodaddiction.com I asked him a question about how I've dramatically increased my accountability tools of late and if this was my recovery, or just recovery, and if he could see anything needing concern in that way. And although I may not be articulating the intent of my question well, what he shared was wonderful. During his recovery process, it was suggested that he was now addicted to going to meetings, and he agreed. And it was good.
I just might be addicted to writing this blog and sharing this journey. I could perhaps call it my obsession.
And that's awesome for me.
For food pictures and calorie counts visit my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
For the companion exercise and food diary (if you have MyFitnessPal) friend me on MyFitnessPal--username: SeanAAnderson
Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I'm certainly still working on finding a balance with time management. You may have noticed my regular postings, not only on this blog but on twitter and MyFitnessPal--these are accountability tools I've given top priority. And I'm happy to report they're working wonderfully. Is it too much? Obsessive? Perhaps. And that's perfectly fine. It's fine because it's doing wonderful things for me.
I spend a good amount of time alone and I like my time and space, I do. But being alone too much is tricky when you're in recovery. By maintaining a blog writing schedule, facebook and a twitter feed, I instantly don't feel alone at all. And I sincerely thank you for your support.
I'm getting better sleep, although I woke up again this morning with cramping from swallowing air. I still feel more rested than I have in a very long time.
Now that I have my priorities and my accountability tools firmly in place, it's time to rearrange some things for better time management. I must get to bed earlier and still make sure I take the time to exercise and write. I'm making a huge commitment to myself. But I believe it's worth every bit of effort I'm exerting.
I'm cutting this blog entry short because it's 10:30pm and I really must hit the pillow. I'll do it under budget and after just completing a solid 1.7 mile walk.
I enjoyed a wonderful support group call tonight. We had special guest speaker Phil Werdell M.A., the director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute. You can discover their amazing website at www.foodaddiction.com I asked him a question about how I've dramatically increased my accountability tools of late and if this was my recovery, or just recovery, and if he could see anything needing concern in that way. And although I may not be articulating the intent of my question well, what he shared was wonderful. During his recovery process, it was suggested that he was now addicted to going to meetings, and he agreed. And it was good.
I just might be addicted to writing this blog and sharing this journey. I could perhaps call it my obsession.
And that's awesome for me.
For food pictures and calorie counts visit my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
For the companion exercise and food diary (if you have MyFitnessPal) friend me on MyFitnessPal--username: SeanAAnderson
Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Monday, May 5, 2014
May 5th, 2014 What If?
May 5th, 2014 What If?
I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night. I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided. What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue. I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.
I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...
What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined? What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am? What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters? What would happen if I set myself free? What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation? That would be a transformation! And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if? I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.
These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours. I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.
I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.
You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson. And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count. Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!" No, not at all. It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me. Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me. If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night. I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided. What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue. I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.
I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...
What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined? What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am? What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters? What would happen if I set myself free? What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation? That would be a transformation! And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if? I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.
These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours. I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.
I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.
You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson. And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count. Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!" No, not at all. It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me. Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me. If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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