May 5th, 2014 What If?
I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night. I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided. What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue. I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.
I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...
What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined? What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am? What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters? What would happen if I set myself free? What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation? That would be a transformation! And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if? I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.
These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours. I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.
I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.
You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson. And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count. Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!" No, not at all. It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me. Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me. If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Oh my goodness Sean! Waking up with cramps. Hope it's nothing dangerous. But so glad you're getting better sleep. It is so important to our wellness and something I took for granted most of my life. Also if posting what you eat helps go for it! It helps people to that they can say "hey that worked for Sean, it might work for me". You go Sean!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read "What would it be like it I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way?" for a moment I took it literally, picturing you in a car staring in the rear view mirror all the time and complaining about the way you'd taken ... I quickly realised that wasn't what you meant, but for that moment my forehead was in a puzzled frown wondering "what is the point of that? If you're looking in the rear view mirror you are not paying attention to where you are going, that is dangerous, why would Sean ever do that? And it doesn't help anything to criticize the turns you made." Well I guess that is still true, even when we are talking about weight gain not driving a car!
ReplyDeleteKeep looking ahead.
What if you are okay just as you are? Are lovable as is? What if you lost weight out of respect and love for yourself...not disgust at your predicament? Same process...same answer. YOu are where I am.
ReplyDeleteAs someone (can't remember who-but more famous than I) said, "You can't drive your car forward while looking in the rear view mirror". Keep up the good work, Sean!
ReplyDeletePowerful post. Thank you. I'm moved to tears.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! We are all too hard on ourselves, and it is ultimately counterproductive to our efforts. When we respect and love ourselves as we are, we take better care of ourselves. Sometimes it's hard to do, but we can only go for so long on momentum created by negativity. It will catch us with us. So glad you are becoming stronger.
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