Day 541
Mediocrity Isn't Acceptable Effort and Mistaken For The “Old” Sean
I woke up with a real attitude problem today. I didn't go straight to the floor for my sit-ups and then to my chair for the non-weighted squats. No, not this morning. I was severely upset with someone. So I huffed and puffed my way to the kitchen to start the coffee, grabbed the eggs and a pita bread, started cooking, and all the while with a big grumpy scowl on my face. You know, promises were made to me---and when someone gives me their word, I trust that they'll keep it. The coffee tasted good. I prepared a breakfast taco with the pita using two scrambled whole eggs and salsa—no cheese. You know what I mean? When you count on someone to come through, live up to their part of the bargain, do what's right...and then they don't? And then you have to see them everyday---looking at you, yeah---look at them, they know you're disappointed...and they care. At least I think they do, or else they're really good at looking like they care. Seriously---How much do I have to do for this guy to get a little cooperation in return? I've changed this guy's life in so many ways, flat-out saved him from a certain early death and this is the appreciation he gives? What an ungrateful lump. He has so much potential---but if he doesn't get it together and really focus on important elements of his development, then I guess mediocrity and less than his best will be the nagging acceptable existence that he must live with---knowing what he could do, but not loving himself enough to do it---to be it---to claim what is right in front of his lazy, ungrateful hands. Sorry I'm venting here---but you see--the schedule is set, we both know what needs to be done, what must be done---and then he doesn't give me 110%, not even 25%? Not acceptable. Oh wow...it's frustrating, maddening sometimes really. Especially when the person that let you down...is you.
Yeah---I had a pretty tough session with my thoughts last night. I've slipped into a comfort zone—where the workouts are never too much and the schedule is always flexible, regardless of the consequences---even if it means being inconsistent. You know how I feel about consistency. Without consistency---I wouldn't be where I am along this road. I've come a very long way with consistency. I can't stop being consistent now. I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know what I want, it's right there for the taking if I'm willing to put in the work. OK—I'm done now. Done with this attitude problem. I'm ready to proceed---let's do this! Shall we? Oh you bet we will---all the way my friend. All the way!
Today was packed at the studio. A full production load that I've allowed to build, coupled with a three hour remote broadcast in the middle of the day. This was going to be one of those days. It's much easier to handle a busy day at 263 than it ever was at 505. I can breathe now. I can run if I need to run. I feel a confidence in my appearance like I've never felt before.
The broadcast was from a truck supply store. Great business, super people, and lots of good food. It was a grand opening---complete with barbecue and cake, and a huge turnout of trucking industry people. I even enjoyed a small plate of the barbecue, but I skipped the cake. They gave me a Peterbilt trucker hat and a pullover---it was nice. I tried the hat on several different ways before concluding that I'm just not a hat person. I use to wear hats all the time as a teenager...but no---oh, I don't know---I might have to put it on and snap a few “trucker hat” pictures---and I'll let you be the judge. Trust me...not a hat person, me---nope.
I ran into a friend at the broadcast who has struggled horribly with obesity. He told me about something that had happened to him recently. He was in a restaurant and someone mistook him for the “old” Sean. Obviously the person making this mistake hadn't laid eyes on me in some time---or on him, because she was convinced he was me, the old 500 pound me. When the mistaken lady's husband tried to correct her, she made it worse by saying “no, that's Sean...because that other guy isn't that big.” That might not be an exact quote, but still...Ouch. I told my friend that I was sorry that he experienced that situation—and I felt horrible for enjoying the story at his expense---because as much as it made me feel bad for him, it also made me smile. Well---that smile consumed me with guilt all afternoon. I finally called him and apologized, even though I'm pretty sure he was OK with me. I assured him that if he needs anything, any help, any words—anything I can do to help him get to this place...he has my number. And I know he reads this blog everyday. You know you have it in you my friend.
I read day 176 today from March 9th, 2009. Here's an excerpt from that day:
I use my calories each day like they're cash money. I'm handed 1,500 calories to spend how ever I want each day. If I want them to last throughout the entire day, then I have to budget them accordingly. If I want to blow them all by 1pm, then I have to live broke the rest of the day, because the Calorie Bank and Trust will be closed until the next morning. I'll eat whatever I want, I will and do, but using this approach forces me to make better “calorie value” choices. This cautious budgeting is what causes me to say “no butter” and “easy on the sauce, please” and “Mustard instead of mayo” or “Miracle Whip instead of real mayo.” This “calories like cash” method is why I say “hold the honey mustard” on that grilled chicken wrap. On the other hand, it allows me the freedom to say... “sure, I'll take a serving of sour cream on my potato.” Good choices are what it's all about. Some people ask me “How do you know the calories in everything?” I don't! I have to read the labels and if I don't have a label to read, say at a restaurant, I ask for a nutrition guide. If a nutrition guide isn't available I Google it. Just type in the food followed by the word calories on the Google home page and you'll find it, it's never failed me yet. Sometimes, if I'm not around a computer and I don't have any way of determining an accurate calorie count before consumption, I'll make the best educated guess possible. These educated guesses are based on my calorie counting experiences of like items or like ingredients. For example, remember me mentioning that I was completely in the dark about the calories in the stuffed mushrooms at Olive Garden? I made an educated guess of 60 calories for each little mushroom. I honestly thought if anything, I'd be over estimating with 60. Turns out that I was too low. Each one, on average, checks in at 68 calories according to a calorie counting website I found by Google searching those tasty little things. But I was close! If you're not comfortable enough with computers to Google search foods, then buy a calorie counting book, a big thick comprehensive one, not the little super market checkout booklets, those may not have everything.
Aside from the important mental exercises that are crucial to changing bad behavior patterns, one of the most important things I can say to someone starting on this road to a healthier life is this: Eat! Don't ever look at food as the enemy. Food is our friend. Our bodies need nutrition to properly function. It kills me when someone tells me they're losing weight because “I just don't eat.” How long can you “just not eat?” You have to be big enough to admit that food hasn't been the problem in your obesity struggles, you have been the problem. Food is our friend. I knew that if I really wanted long term success I had to start having a healthy friendship with food. Some skeptics, the cynics might say... “how many more pounds you have to lose Sean?” “that's what I thought, yeah, listen---why don't you lose it all, then call me in five years and tell me where you are.” OK. I'll do that. That's cool. I'm simply saying, that if we change our minds and we embrace a healthy understanding and relationship with food, not just go through the motions needed to lose, I'm talking really change our way of thinking about nutrition and exercise...then how can we go wrong? We can't.
I skipped the weight training tonight and did the morning routine of non-weighted strength training before going outside for a quick 5K walk/jog right before bed. I don't want to wake up with the attitude I had today. That wasn't fun. I want to smile and be positive---and confidently make my way through this part of a wonderful journey. With a consistent effort and a tighter grip on time management skills and sleep schedules---I just might surprise myself with how far I can go. I'm buckled in for a good long trip. Click your belt and let's do this, ok?
Thanks for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 540 Evolving Food Choices, Chocolate, and The Mirror Tonight
Day 540
Evolving Food Choices, Chocolate, and The Mirror Tonight
I eat a banana everyday, sometimes I eat two. Bananas are often the first thing I put in my grocery basket. If you run into me at the store, chances are good you'll find bananas, eggs, mushrooms, mozzarella, tomato sauce, chicken breast, and if I'm inside one store in particular, then you'll find steel cut oats. I'm such a creature of habit! These items have become staples for me and further, have become a sign that my choices have evolved. I grabbed a couple of pears at the store recently too. I love pears! I have no idea why I haven't had them on a more regular basis. I always enjoyed them from a can in the past. Today I took a knife to work and cut up a fresh pear during my show. Nothing like a fresh pear, especially if it's a little soft. Last night I found myself gazing lovingly at the steaks. I hardly ever eat red meat anymore. But don't think I'm doing this stuff on purpose...I'm just developing different habits in a very gradual, natural way. And with warmer weather around the corner, I'll be firing up some red meat real soon on that grill of mine, you just hide and watch!
Those M&M's I enjoyed last night, well---they must have sparked a bigger inner desire for chocolate than I thought. Today I found myself wanting more. It was mid-day at work and it just hit me: I need chocolate! I didn't have any. But wait! Right above a co-workers desk, there's a basket of tiny Dove dark chocolate hearts. This co-worker is very generous and always says “help yourself,” and I hardly ever do. The first time she offered me one---I asked to see the bag they came out of first. 42 calories each. OK---I have to know how good these really are, you know? Today---I grabbed one. Then twenty minutes later I grabbed another. Then thirty minutes later I walked back there to her desk, looked at them, started to grab another 42 calorie shot of chocolate---and then I stopped myself. 84 calories was enough to invest in chocolate today. But man...sometimes that craving is so strong, it's hard to walk away. Then of course my brain starts trying to rationalize the choice. Sean, go ahead guy---do it, besides—-it's dark chocolate and full of antioxidants! See, it's good for you, you need this chocolate for health reasons! Hogwash—truth is, it didn't matter what kind of chocolate it was---I would have still been drawn to it today. I think about my old habits and how much better it is to grab a couple of 42 calorie pieces of chocolate instead of a king size Snickers bar. Yeah---Haven't had a king size Snickers Bar in a very long time. Well...think about it, it's just a horrible calorie value...really. I doubt I'll ever invest that many calories in a candy bar ever again. But a normal size Snickers? Oh---probably at some point. I've had two or three in the last 540 days.
While doing the weight machines today, I noticed my abs like never before. No---I didn't see them, but I will someday. I could feel them. They're strong and built. Who knew? They've been covered for so long...built by their role in helping me carry around over 500 pounds for the majority of my adult life. This machine that isolates the abs---Oh my...I love it! It's going to be a while before these abs are ready for a coming out party, and that's ok. It's just nice to know they're in there. I knew that already really...but this machine, wow--what a wonderful reminder!
I had a good nap this evening and then enjoyed a great dinner. I prepared a grilled chicken breast atop a bed of whole wheat spaghetti---and then topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella. It was a great meal and at 530 calories, it was a dinner I could be proud of. That's important really. It really wasn't important to me in the beginning, and some days it still isn't--But being proud of my choices makes me feel great. And when it comes to food, I feel great the majority of the time.
Before bed tonight, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and just stared at myself. This is me isn't it? I feel like that kid in the youtube video after a dentist visit... Is this real life? And I know it is---it's wonderful really. Like a dream come true. No wonder I find it hard to push myself sometimes. This transformation has reached a point of comfort and ease---and then dealing with these fascinating glares into the mirror---seeing a version of myself I've never known. It's very tricky psychologically. I need to seriously get over this little comfort zone and get to where I really want to be. This isn't it. As good as I feel, this isn't where it's stopping. I deserve to reach my fitness goals. But you understand right? When 263 pounds at 6 foot 3 is pretty decent, and it's such a dramatic difference from 505---it's so easy to be satisfied. I fight that satisfaction every day. I've often written about "the line of least resistance," and how it kept me dangerously close to an early death for years. Now, that line keeps me far away from my fitness goals. Of course, all I have to do is get undressed to be reminded why I must push myself harder. Thank goodness for clothing.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Evolving Food Choices, Chocolate, and The Mirror Tonight
I eat a banana everyday, sometimes I eat two. Bananas are often the first thing I put in my grocery basket. If you run into me at the store, chances are good you'll find bananas, eggs, mushrooms, mozzarella, tomato sauce, chicken breast, and if I'm inside one store in particular, then you'll find steel cut oats. I'm such a creature of habit! These items have become staples for me and further, have become a sign that my choices have evolved. I grabbed a couple of pears at the store recently too. I love pears! I have no idea why I haven't had them on a more regular basis. I always enjoyed them from a can in the past. Today I took a knife to work and cut up a fresh pear during my show. Nothing like a fresh pear, especially if it's a little soft. Last night I found myself gazing lovingly at the steaks. I hardly ever eat red meat anymore. But don't think I'm doing this stuff on purpose...I'm just developing different habits in a very gradual, natural way. And with warmer weather around the corner, I'll be firing up some red meat real soon on that grill of mine, you just hide and watch!
Those M&M's I enjoyed last night, well---they must have sparked a bigger inner desire for chocolate than I thought. Today I found myself wanting more. It was mid-day at work and it just hit me: I need chocolate! I didn't have any. But wait! Right above a co-workers desk, there's a basket of tiny Dove dark chocolate hearts. This co-worker is very generous and always says “help yourself,” and I hardly ever do. The first time she offered me one---I asked to see the bag they came out of first. 42 calories each. OK---I have to know how good these really are, you know? Today---I grabbed one. Then twenty minutes later I grabbed another. Then thirty minutes later I walked back there to her desk, looked at them, started to grab another 42 calorie shot of chocolate---and then I stopped myself. 84 calories was enough to invest in chocolate today. But man...sometimes that craving is so strong, it's hard to walk away. Then of course my brain starts trying to rationalize the choice. Sean, go ahead guy---do it, besides—-it's dark chocolate and full of antioxidants! See, it's good for you, you need this chocolate for health reasons! Hogwash—truth is, it didn't matter what kind of chocolate it was---I would have still been drawn to it today. I think about my old habits and how much better it is to grab a couple of 42 calorie pieces of chocolate instead of a king size Snickers bar. Yeah---Haven't had a king size Snickers Bar in a very long time. Well...think about it, it's just a horrible calorie value...really. I doubt I'll ever invest that many calories in a candy bar ever again. But a normal size Snickers? Oh---probably at some point. I've had two or three in the last 540 days.
While doing the weight machines today, I noticed my abs like never before. No---I didn't see them, but I will someday. I could feel them. They're strong and built. Who knew? They've been covered for so long...built by their role in helping me carry around over 500 pounds for the majority of my adult life. This machine that isolates the abs---Oh my...I love it! It's going to be a while before these abs are ready for a coming out party, and that's ok. It's just nice to know they're in there. I knew that already really...but this machine, wow--what a wonderful reminder!
I had a good nap this evening and then enjoyed a great dinner. I prepared a grilled chicken breast atop a bed of whole wheat spaghetti---and then topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella. It was a great meal and at 530 calories, it was a dinner I could be proud of. That's important really. It really wasn't important to me in the beginning, and some days it still isn't--But being proud of my choices makes me feel great. And when it comes to food, I feel great the majority of the time.
Before bed tonight, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and just stared at myself. This is me isn't it? I feel like that kid in the youtube video after a dentist visit... Is this real life? And I know it is---it's wonderful really. Like a dream come true. No wonder I find it hard to push myself sometimes. This transformation has reached a point of comfort and ease---and then dealing with these fascinating glares into the mirror---seeing a version of myself I've never known. It's very tricky psychologically. I need to seriously get over this little comfort zone and get to where I really want to be. This isn't it. As good as I feel, this isn't where it's stopping. I deserve to reach my fitness goals. But you understand right? When 263 pounds at 6 foot 3 is pretty decent, and it's such a dramatic difference from 505---it's so easy to be satisfied. I fight that satisfaction every day. I've often written about "the line of least resistance," and how it kept me dangerously close to an early death for years. Now, that line keeps me far away from my fitness goals. Of course, all I have to do is get undressed to be reminded why I must push myself harder. Thank goodness for clothing.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 539 A Good Sunday and M&M's Too
Day 539
A Good Sunday and M&M's Too
Sunday was a good day, despite the fact that I wasn't able to make it to Stillwater for the Anderson Family Oscar party. I've missed maybe four or five of these my entire life. I was meeting with a friend today that offered to fix my front brakes. I wasn't able to meet until late with him, so I decided it better to wait until another time for the trip South.
I enjoyed a good breakfast and a decent workout this morning. Ok...I say “morning,” when actually it was early afternoon, but it was still good. I'm feeling so good about so many things directly ahead for me, and at the same time I'm often consumed with stress over other issues. New paragraph!
I realized one of my problems today. Problems? Yes, problems. You see...there are certain things I do not write about, because it wouldn't be appropriate. I do not write about my new experiences in dating and I do not write about personal financial issues. Let's just say that going through a divorce can create a whole new world of stressful issues, and it has. But I can't write about those here, so instead I internalize those things, sit and simmer over them, and that can't be healthy. I may start a private journal for my eyes and therapy only. One of the biggest things I've discovered along this weight loss road is how important sorting everything out through writing can be. I'm a writer, a communicator, and a thinker---sometimes I think too much, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. It's certainly helped me unlock my weight loss potential.
I stopped by the store this evening to pick up some pears and steel cut oats. In the checkout line I grabbed a small package of peanut M&M's. 250 calories worth of candy coated chocolaty-peanutty goodness. I allowed for this, put it in my calorie budget, and slowly enjoyed the indulgence while watching the last 45 minutes of the Oscars telecast. Oscar parties are a tradition in the Anderson family, and the snack table was always full. I've made myself sick in years past—loading up on all of the goodies several times during the awards. I think I often looked forward to the snack fest more than I did the awards. Not tonight. I enjoyed my candy and I enjoyed the big categories with a peaceful confidence that my days of gorging on junk are over. It would have been more enjoyable with company, but it was nice really.
In my daily exercise of reading a post from the previous year---I found that March 7th, 2009 was the big Amber-daddy day! We conquered Olive Garden that night! That's right---Olive Garden on a calorie budget. They said it couldn't be done...Oh yeah? Watch us! I've attached a couple of the On The Go Videos of that night below. It was a fabulous time indeed! Here's an excerpt from that days blog:
In our excellent adventure, we wanted to do something we had never done together, or otherwise. We decided that we should release some aggression and fire a real handgun. First of all, I don’t like guns. Never have, probably never will. I don’t own one, I’ve never wanted one, and I don’t plan on owning one ever. I doubt that will change. And it’s not the guns that make me nervous, it’s the people holding them. Ok, it’s the guns too. My extreme caution tonight at the gun range might have been comical to some, but I wasn’t trying to be. We handled that gun like the entire world depended on it’s safety and containment. Like it was some kind of global threat that we were responsible for keeping in check. After careful instruction on how to load the ten round clip, and some basic safety precautions, we made our way onto the range with the biggest, well, the only gun we’ve ever handled, a powerful and rugged looking .22 pistol with a clip, just like in the movies! As soon as we walked in the range area we were startled by what must have been a cannon firing in bay number 7. That gun had a blast that you felt vibrate in your bones. We jumped like scared little rabbits, then gave each other a look of “should we really be here?” But we had come this far, so we made our way into bay number 12 and loaded up, still jumping everytime Dirty Harry in bay 7 jerked his iron. We must have provided some comic relief to every gun enthusiast on the range. Because they weren’t jumping at all. After fumbling with the bullets, and treating each one like it could “go off” any second like a short-fast fuse on a firecracker, we were fully loaded and ready. Then, we busted some caps! It was amazing! After squeezing off the first clip full, our nerves were gone, and we settled in and enjoyed the experience. After 100 rounds, I’m still not convinced I’ll ever own one, but it was certainly an experience Amber and I will never forget as long as we live.
Despite every reason to not feel my best, I feel pretty good. I'm so glad I am where I am. I don't think I could handle everything as well if I were still a 500 pound man. I feel like I'm free to fly at 263. It's really an incredible feeling.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Video from exactly one year ago. Olive Garden... No problem!
Watch out! She's got a gun!
A Good Sunday and M&M's Too
Sunday was a good day, despite the fact that I wasn't able to make it to Stillwater for the Anderson Family Oscar party. I've missed maybe four or five of these my entire life. I was meeting with a friend today that offered to fix my front brakes. I wasn't able to meet until late with him, so I decided it better to wait until another time for the trip South.
I enjoyed a good breakfast and a decent workout this morning. Ok...I say “morning,” when actually it was early afternoon, but it was still good. I'm feeling so good about so many things directly ahead for me, and at the same time I'm often consumed with stress over other issues. New paragraph!
I realized one of my problems today. Problems? Yes, problems. You see...there are certain things I do not write about, because it wouldn't be appropriate. I do not write about my new experiences in dating and I do not write about personal financial issues. Let's just say that going through a divorce can create a whole new world of stressful issues, and it has. But I can't write about those here, so instead I internalize those things, sit and simmer over them, and that can't be healthy. I may start a private journal for my eyes and therapy only. One of the biggest things I've discovered along this weight loss road is how important sorting everything out through writing can be. I'm a writer, a communicator, and a thinker---sometimes I think too much, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. It's certainly helped me unlock my weight loss potential.
I stopped by the store this evening to pick up some pears and steel cut oats. In the checkout line I grabbed a small package of peanut M&M's. 250 calories worth of candy coated chocolaty-peanutty goodness. I allowed for this, put it in my calorie budget, and slowly enjoyed the indulgence while watching the last 45 minutes of the Oscars telecast. Oscar parties are a tradition in the Anderson family, and the snack table was always full. I've made myself sick in years past—loading up on all of the goodies several times during the awards. I think I often looked forward to the snack fest more than I did the awards. Not tonight. I enjoyed my candy and I enjoyed the big categories with a peaceful confidence that my days of gorging on junk are over. It would have been more enjoyable with company, but it was nice really.
In my daily exercise of reading a post from the previous year---I found that March 7th, 2009 was the big Amber-daddy day! We conquered Olive Garden that night! That's right---Olive Garden on a calorie budget. They said it couldn't be done...Oh yeah? Watch us! I've attached a couple of the On The Go Videos of that night below. It was a fabulous time indeed! Here's an excerpt from that days blog:
In our excellent adventure, we wanted to do something we had never done together, or otherwise. We decided that we should release some aggression and fire a real handgun. First of all, I don’t like guns. Never have, probably never will. I don’t own one, I’ve never wanted one, and I don’t plan on owning one ever. I doubt that will change. And it’s not the guns that make me nervous, it’s the people holding them. Ok, it’s the guns too. My extreme caution tonight at the gun range might have been comical to some, but I wasn’t trying to be. We handled that gun like the entire world depended on it’s safety and containment. Like it was some kind of global threat that we were responsible for keeping in check. After careful instruction on how to load the ten round clip, and some basic safety precautions, we made our way onto the range with the biggest, well, the only gun we’ve ever handled, a powerful and rugged looking .22 pistol with a clip, just like in the movies! As soon as we walked in the range area we were startled by what must have been a cannon firing in bay number 7. That gun had a blast that you felt vibrate in your bones. We jumped like scared little rabbits, then gave each other a look of “should we really be here?” But we had come this far, so we made our way into bay number 12 and loaded up, still jumping everytime Dirty Harry in bay 7 jerked his iron. We must have provided some comic relief to every gun enthusiast on the range. Because they weren’t jumping at all. After fumbling with the bullets, and treating each one like it could “go off” any second like a short-fast fuse on a firecracker, we were fully loaded and ready. Then, we busted some caps! It was amazing! After squeezing off the first clip full, our nerves were gone, and we settled in and enjoyed the experience. After 100 rounds, I’m still not convinced I’ll ever own one, but it was certainly an experience Amber and I will never forget as long as we live.
Despite every reason to not feel my best, I feel pretty good. I'm so glad I am where I am. I don't think I could handle everything as well if I were still a 500 pound man. I feel like I'm free to fly at 263. It's really an incredible feeling.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Video from exactly one year ago. Olive Garden... No problem!
Watch out! She's got a gun!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Day 538 Crazy Irony and Was It Something I Said?
Day 538
Crazy Irony and Was It Something I Said?
I spent so much time writing today that I completely let the YMCA close without my weight training. How crazy ironic is that? I spend so much time writing this blog, a blog about consistency in portion control and exercise---and the mental aspects of keeping it all together, and then I let that keep me from being consistent and true to myself. Hmmmm. Time management is one of the hardest things along this road, for me at least.
I fell asleep in my “big man's” recliner last night. I really get upset with myself when I do this. I should have never jumped into that big thing. Straight to bed should have been my move...I was so exhausted, I was. It was a long Friday. By sleeping sitting up, I made my neck hurt and I wrecked my Saturday routine by finally going to bed just after 7am. I slept in a horizontal position until nearly noon. OK---I need to get past this, learn from it, and make a note: When I'm super tired, stay away from the recliner!
It is a “Big Man's” recliner from Lazy Boy...but the funny thing is this: It was always Irene's chair before. That's where she lounged in the living room of our old house. Why didn't I lay claim to the thing? Because at my heaviest, I was too big! Seriously...Too big for a “Big Man's” recliner!!! Isn't that something. Had I regularly tried to sit in that chair, it would be trashed---because I guarantee I would have busted the thing. Now it's my favorite chair, because I look little in the thing, swallowed by it's over-sized design. That's very cool.
Yesterday's blog posting was long and detailed, and the hope is—that you understood from where I was coming. If you didn't, that's too bad. I must stop worrying about making everyone happy all the time. After posting yesterday's epic post---I lost two followers. They were done. And it may not have been because of that post---maybe they just closed their blog or something. Of course I naturally think it's because of something I said. Maybe my honest evaluation scared them a little, perhaps made them doubt their own approach—whatever. I just speak the truth as it applies to my journey and discovery along this road. You may agree or not. It doesn't change what is and I will never change my writing style or the truth, just to please everyone. If you can't take it, don't read. I'm still going to write this same blog even if nobody reads...which up until nearly day 300—that was close to the case. Seriously---go back into the archives and count the number of post (some are favorites of mine that really helped me) with zero comments. I had just a handful of regular readers. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. I sincerely appreciate the outpouring of support I've received...You absolutely lift me up. So don't ever think I don't value that support. It all goes back to the point: This blog is first and foremost for my benefit. I write it to help me understand me. If it helps you too, then that's the mushrooms on the pita! I was going to say “That's the icing on the cake,” but well...
Tonight I was the MC of the Poncan Opry musical variety show. The crowd was big and the band was on fire! The last time I did this was in November of 2008 on Day 69. I had lost over 60 pounds at that point, and in going back and reading the post from that night---even that made a huge difference. Here's an excerpt from that day:
This evening I hosted The Poncan Opry Branson style variety show at the historic Poncan Theatre. The last time I performed on that stage was June, and I weighed over 500 pounds for that one. What a huge difference it was tonight. The weight I've lost allows me to breath properly, to walk normally, to really get into my performance. I remember back in June how hard it was to focus on my set and delivery because I was consumed with my breathing and mobility. The excess weight was finally having a profound effect on my stage presence, but not tonight. Sure, I can't wait to dress better, and that too will send me and my performance skills up a few levels, but I can't complain about how wonderful I felt tonight on that stage. Lifting 60 plus pounds off my body makes a huge difference in everything I do, and I mean everything. When I think about how far I've come in the last 69 days, and how far I have to go, I get really excited. Because, and I've said this before, if I feel this good now, how will I feel at 230? How will my performance skills and confidence improve at a normal weight? It'll be really fun to find out!
Well, I may not be at 230 yet---but at 263 it was like a different world. The Poncan Opry All-Star Band members were just astonished at the difference, as was the audience, many having attended every single show---they remember me from Day 69. And of course Dave May couldn't resist telling the audience exactly how much weight I've lost so far. When he said “he's lost 242 pounds,” the audience erupted in applause. I've had other occasions on that stage where this happened---but tonight's reaction was the biggest by far. I met some wonderful people in the lobby after the show and the weight loss was the first thing everyone mentioned.
One nice lady told me she once weighed over 500 pounds too. She had surgery nearly a decade ago and it was successful. She's since had a few surgeries to remove the excess skin. It was a pleasant conversation from someone who's been there. Then of course I had a guy ask “So what did you do? Just stop eating?” I replied: “Oh no...I eat all the time and anything I want.” This always confuses people like this guy. I briefly explained and quickly moved on shaking hands and saying thank you for the many wonderful compliments.
I really have to keep myself in check when explaining this journey of self-discovery and freedom. I can easily go into full on “weight-loss seminar” mode in no time at all. People don't want that really. And if they do, they'll ask....and I'm happy to share. I was dealing with this same issue exactly one year ago tonight at a special event. It was 365 days and over 120 pounds ago:
I ran into several people tonight at a fund raiser who noticed and complimented me on my success so far. Sometimes I have to make myself stop talking about the wonderful things I've learned along this journey. It's really hard, because it's become such a passion in my life, but once I get started, I just can't seem to stop the enthusiasm. I had at least three unplanned fifteen minute or longer conversations today on the subject. Now if they're genuinely interested and they're truly listening and they keep asking questions, then alright, and that certainly was the case with those instances...I hope...but I don't want to ever be the person every one avoids at functions, whispering warnings to each other like “whatever you do, don't mention losing weight, exercising, getting healthy, anything to do with calories, or the power of a decision, 'cause he'll talk you into the early morning if you do!” Sometimes, in most situations, less is more. Like tonight, after someone would comment on the dramatic difference in my appearance, I would say thank you, try to keep my words brief, then mention this blog address. If they're really interested, they'll look it up and read, and then the blog relays my enthusiasm for me, without me sounding obsessed by going on and on and on and on. I can afford to have a quiet confidence about me. I have nothing to prove or convince anyone of, my results thus far combined with my written record and audio/video record handles that just fine. Now of course, there's a time and place, right? Next Thursday night at the Hutchins Auditorium I'll be sharing my story and message for about 45 minutes and I'll enjoy every minute of the experience, I hope you will too!
I arrived home tonight feeling good and very happy with the experiences of the day and night, despite the fact that I missed my workout completely. Talking the talk is wonderful, as long as it doesn't keep me from walking the walk! I sincerely appreciate you reading everyday. Thank you! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Crazy Irony and Was It Something I Said?
I spent so much time writing today that I completely let the YMCA close without my weight training. How crazy ironic is that? I spend so much time writing this blog, a blog about consistency in portion control and exercise---and the mental aspects of keeping it all together, and then I let that keep me from being consistent and true to myself. Hmmmm. Time management is one of the hardest things along this road, for me at least.
I fell asleep in my “big man's” recliner last night. I really get upset with myself when I do this. I should have never jumped into that big thing. Straight to bed should have been my move...I was so exhausted, I was. It was a long Friday. By sleeping sitting up, I made my neck hurt and I wrecked my Saturday routine by finally going to bed just after 7am. I slept in a horizontal position until nearly noon. OK---I need to get past this, learn from it, and make a note: When I'm super tired, stay away from the recliner!
It is a “Big Man's” recliner from Lazy Boy...but the funny thing is this: It was always Irene's chair before. That's where she lounged in the living room of our old house. Why didn't I lay claim to the thing? Because at my heaviest, I was too big! Seriously...Too big for a “Big Man's” recliner!!! Isn't that something. Had I regularly tried to sit in that chair, it would be trashed---because I guarantee I would have busted the thing. Now it's my favorite chair, because I look little in the thing, swallowed by it's over-sized design. That's very cool.
Yesterday's blog posting was long and detailed, and the hope is—that you understood from where I was coming. If you didn't, that's too bad. I must stop worrying about making everyone happy all the time. After posting yesterday's epic post---I lost two followers. They were done. And it may not have been because of that post---maybe they just closed their blog or something. Of course I naturally think it's because of something I said. Maybe my honest evaluation scared them a little, perhaps made them doubt their own approach—whatever. I just speak the truth as it applies to my journey and discovery along this road. You may agree or not. It doesn't change what is and I will never change my writing style or the truth, just to please everyone. If you can't take it, don't read. I'm still going to write this same blog even if nobody reads...which up until nearly day 300—that was close to the case. Seriously---go back into the archives and count the number of post (some are favorites of mine that really helped me) with zero comments. I had just a handful of regular readers. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. I sincerely appreciate the outpouring of support I've received...You absolutely lift me up. So don't ever think I don't value that support. It all goes back to the point: This blog is first and foremost for my benefit. I write it to help me understand me. If it helps you too, then that's the mushrooms on the pita! I was going to say “That's the icing on the cake,” but well...
Tonight I was the MC of the Poncan Opry musical variety show. The crowd was big and the band was on fire! The last time I did this was in November of 2008 on Day 69. I had lost over 60 pounds at that point, and in going back and reading the post from that night---even that made a huge difference. Here's an excerpt from that day:
This evening I hosted The Poncan Opry Branson style variety show at the historic Poncan Theatre. The last time I performed on that stage was June, and I weighed over 500 pounds for that one. What a huge difference it was tonight. The weight I've lost allows me to breath properly, to walk normally, to really get into my performance. I remember back in June how hard it was to focus on my set and delivery because I was consumed with my breathing and mobility. The excess weight was finally having a profound effect on my stage presence, but not tonight. Sure, I can't wait to dress better, and that too will send me and my performance skills up a few levels, but I can't complain about how wonderful I felt tonight on that stage. Lifting 60 plus pounds off my body makes a huge difference in everything I do, and I mean everything. When I think about how far I've come in the last 69 days, and how far I have to go, I get really excited. Because, and I've said this before, if I feel this good now, how will I feel at 230? How will my performance skills and confidence improve at a normal weight? It'll be really fun to find out!
Well, I may not be at 230 yet---but at 263 it was like a different world. The Poncan Opry All-Star Band members were just astonished at the difference, as was the audience, many having attended every single show---they remember me from Day 69. And of course Dave May couldn't resist telling the audience exactly how much weight I've lost so far. When he said “he's lost 242 pounds,” the audience erupted in applause. I've had other occasions on that stage where this happened---but tonight's reaction was the biggest by far. I met some wonderful people in the lobby after the show and the weight loss was the first thing everyone mentioned.
One nice lady told me she once weighed over 500 pounds too. She had surgery nearly a decade ago and it was successful. She's since had a few surgeries to remove the excess skin. It was a pleasant conversation from someone who's been there. Then of course I had a guy ask “So what did you do? Just stop eating?” I replied: “Oh no...I eat all the time and anything I want.” This always confuses people like this guy. I briefly explained and quickly moved on shaking hands and saying thank you for the many wonderful compliments.
I really have to keep myself in check when explaining this journey of self-discovery and freedom. I can easily go into full on “weight-loss seminar” mode in no time at all. People don't want that really. And if they do, they'll ask....and I'm happy to share. I was dealing with this same issue exactly one year ago tonight at a special event. It was 365 days and over 120 pounds ago:
I ran into several people tonight at a fund raiser who noticed and complimented me on my success so far. Sometimes I have to make myself stop talking about the wonderful things I've learned along this journey. It's really hard, because it's become such a passion in my life, but once I get started, I just can't seem to stop the enthusiasm. I had at least three unplanned fifteen minute or longer conversations today on the subject. Now if they're genuinely interested and they're truly listening and they keep asking questions, then alright, and that certainly was the case with those instances...I hope...but I don't want to ever be the person every one avoids at functions, whispering warnings to each other like “whatever you do, don't mention losing weight, exercising, getting healthy, anything to do with calories, or the power of a decision, 'cause he'll talk you into the early morning if you do!” Sometimes, in most situations, less is more. Like tonight, after someone would comment on the dramatic difference in my appearance, I would say thank you, try to keep my words brief, then mention this blog address. If they're really interested, they'll look it up and read, and then the blog relays my enthusiasm for me, without me sounding obsessed by going on and on and on and on. I can afford to have a quiet confidence about me. I have nothing to prove or convince anyone of, my results thus far combined with my written record and audio/video record handles that just fine. Now of course, there's a time and place, right? Next Thursday night at the Hutchins Auditorium I'll be sharing my story and message for about 45 minutes and I'll enjoy every minute of the experience, I hope you will too!
I arrived home tonight feeling good and very happy with the experiences of the day and night, despite the fact that I missed my workout completely. Talking the talk is wonderful, as long as it doesn't keep me from walking the walk! I sincerely appreciate you reading everyday. Thank you! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Day 537 Even If Just One Sentence Can Help, It's Worth Writing This Epic Post
Day 537
Even If Just One Sentence Can Help, It's Worth Writing This Epic Post
I started this Friday morning early. It was 3:50am, and the plan was to get up—exercise, cook breakfast, write, shower, dress, and get to the studio in time for a little show prep before air. Finally---my plan went off without a hitch, certainly because I was up so early. And that's because I was asleep early enough to do it. My crazy schedule coupled with my horrible time management skills can be a disastrous combination for sure. But it's not impossible, not at all. I do have time for me---and if I ever think I don't, then I must bulldoze something and make the time. ME is important. Or uh...”I'm important.”
Breakfast this morning was a twist on an old favorite of mine. A classic egg-white omelet with mushrooms, but instead of cheese---I used chunky salsa! That was a very good calorie value maneuver...all of a sudden that omelet dropped from 170 calories to 100 calories! And it was big and filling with four egg whites, a bunch of fresh mushrooms, and a heaping tablespoon of salsa. I wanted to bump my calories up to at least 300 for breakfast, so I added some steel cut oats with blueberries and a half a banana. This is the real breakfast of champions my friend! Seriously, almost too much, but still such a low calorie value. Hmmm, choices...yes, good choices.
Ann recently gifted me a stainless steel water bottle. It's really helping me drink more water throughout the day. Aside from being wonderful for the environment, I love this bottle because of the cool feeling of the steel when it's full of cold water. Sometimes, it's all in the approach. I'm drinking more water just because it's in a different container? That sounds crazy, but it's true. I'm a strange one sometimes, I swear.
I'm really getting excited about a big event coming up on the 25th. I'm speaking twice in one day at an event for a major oil company. I think it's limited to their employees, but they asked if they could video one or both of the sessions for those that can't make it. I plan on requesting a copy and perhaps I'll be able to share one of the talks that day on this blog. I'll see what I can do! It will be grand, I know it will!
Every now and then, something I've discovered along this road and then written about jumps out at someone reading and fills them with concern. Some, as you'll read---nearly spew tea on their computer screen as they read the familiar experiences and concerns.
“Blue,” from www.blueraspberry.wordpress.com writes:
“Hi Sean, I have glanced over your blog when I have clicked on one of those names at the side of others blogs -- you know the thing....'those I like to follow' things, and have been slowly working my way up the long list of posts and never commented -- there are many far with far more constructive and erudite things to say than lil ol me...but I nearly spat my tea at the computer just now, when I read the following:~
"On the way out of town we discussed our strategy on vacation eating. Our strategy? Oh, uh, well....we didn't really have one. We all agreed that calorie counting and watching what we were eating was not going to be a part of our trip. That entire trip we ate whatever, whenever, and how much ever we wanted without regard to calories or the potential effects on our amazing progress. When the week was over, we never could find our “plan.” I think we left it somewhere between the concession stands at Kaufman (Royals) Stadium and the endless, hot, breakfast buffet at our hotel. Wherever we lost it, it was gone. Actually, I think it blew out of the window of our vehicle a few miles from home, somewhere along Highway 60, before we ever even reached I-35. "
I am off for a weeks break in a couple of weeks time, and the last few days on my blog I have been torturing myself with how to manage it...for exactly the reasons you spoke about lol....Plans -- what plans? This time I am determined...there are no short-cuts this time..
"Do you find holidays and such scary? I do. The fear is around my consummate ability to convince myself that I can do things I know are not in my best interest. You know the sort of thing, ‘its half fat so it doesn’t count’ or ‘one more meal out wont make a lot of difference’ or ‘I can eat the skin this time’ …you know – all that nutty thinking that we are so expert at. The opposite side of that coin, is that I am really quite determined not to go there…(my black and white thing) and in doing so, make life miserable for all those trying to have a fun break too. Somewhere there has to be a livable – workable alternative, and I guess if anyone has to bend it should really be me. There is also another fear I have. You will all recognize it. The fear is that I have seen many really strong, determined women – and men, whose weight loss efforts come to grief as a result of a holiday.
Seems there are some things to think about — I might examine them all over the next few days and see where my thinking takes me. If you see any glaring boo-boo’s in my thinking you have absolute permission to shove them under my nose, because I can convince myself of anything if I talk to me long enough."......
So I am planning what to eat, so that I can eat what I plan....But I will keep the car windows shut - just in case. Blue-- www.blueraspberry.wordpress.com
I detailed that trip and it's aftermath on my Day 6 post titled “Learning From The Past.” Here's a short excerpt:
Of course we told ourselves that when the trip was over, it was back to counting calories. But, here's where we messed up. The practice of counting calories is not something I plan on doing for the rest of my life. It's not really hard or anything like that, but I just wouldn't want to do it forever. Counting calories now is a way to lose the weight, but it also teaches us lessons on portion control. Sometimes we don't realize how many calories are in what we eat, but counting calories lets us know, not only the calories but the size. Counting calories teaches us how to make healthy choices while budgeting our calories. We didn't understand that part of the journey. We didn't understand that counting calories was suppose to teach us how to eat better, control portions, and not eat just for the sake of pigging out. It was suppose to teach us lessons in eating that we could carry on for the rest of our lives. Instead of recognizing these lessons, we acted like we had just been rescued from a deserted island and we were going to make up for all the food we didn't get before. When we got back home it was like we completely forgot about the plan. We stopped working out on a regular basis and started being dishonest about our calorie intake (I know I did) And once you start being dishonest with yourself, then it's all over. One day led to another and before you know it we were right back to eating whatever we wanted, as much as we wanted, and we didn't exercise. We would say...”hey, we have to get back on the wagon”...”yeah, let's start Monday”...and Monday we would continue our old ways. We have a plan now. We have goals. We have watched the film so to speak of our past failure...We are determined. We are learning how to eat again.
The concerns of Blue about this part of the journey goes straight to the heart of a very serious question: Are you just going through the motions needed to lose weight? Or are you seriously addressing your food behaviors? How can you tell the difference? Let's discuss this tricky dynamic:
The entire time I was losing weight back in 2004, I was struggling. I was looking forward to cutting loose and eating as much as I could hold. That's why when I crossed the 100 pounds lost milestone in July of 2004, I celebrated with thousands of calories at a party held just minutes after the celebrated weigh-in. I didn't realize it at that moment, but it was the beginning of the end. The vacation meltdown described above, came just a week later. We were done. Our weight loss success was over and the return to where we started was imminent. But why did it have to be that way every time?
It had to be that way because our lust for large amounts of food and our denial of addiction overpowered, and really, completely eliminated our desires to lose weight. We had been forcing ourselves to eat smaller portions and exercise, while fantasizing the entire time about going back to our old ways. This wasn't the change we needed or really wanted. So what's different about this time? And how can it be different for you and Blue?
This time is different, because we decided to let go of the rules and limitations we always thought were required to lose weight. We adopted the “nothing is off limits” approach as a way to eliminate any feelings of deprivation while still focusing on portion control. The hope was, that our choices would gradually and naturally improve with this approach, and they have, dramatically. We also decided to take the focus off the food and put it on the people and circumstances of the occasion. It's all about eating what we like in normal portions. And better---it's eating like a normal person, not a food addict.
It's a “confident patience.” I love ice cream, and I will eat ice cream again, and I do—but I can slow down and enjoy a responsible portion without feeling the need to devour a half a gallon. A confident patience means that if I don't have room in my calorie budget for something I really want to try today, then I'll have it soon...I'll enjoy it and make it fit into my good choices.
I no longer depend on food to make me happy. That's a powerful point to all of this. So if I'm on vacation, just because I eat responsible portions---it doesn't mean that I'm going to ruin everyone's fun! The vacation itself and the people I'm sharing the experiences with...these are the things that make me happy. It's taking the focus off of the food and putting it on the people and enjoyable circumstances surrounding you. I'm still enjoying what I like in responsible portions, and I'm not ruining anyone's fun by not gorging...in fact, nobody really notices or cares.
They were right. “They” being all of those people that always told me that it had to be a lifestyle change. It had to be a mindset change. I had to start thinking about food in a normal way. And if I'm seriously wanting to keep this weight off for the rest of my life, and ultimately win the battle against morbid obesity---I had to learn how to become a normal eater. And if I'm a normal eater, then my eating patterns shouldn't change dramatically just because I'm enjoying special occasions or time off. I still love food, and I still enjoy food. But now, I treat food responsibly---I don't abuse myself with food. And I don't lose weight because I just suppress the urges to abuse myself with food, I lose weight because I've been learning what it's like to become someone who eats to live and doesn't live to eat. And it doesn't ever change because of special occasions. This is my lifestyle now. This is my confident patience.
And Blue, about the thoughts you have had in the past: “its half fat so it doesn’t count’ or ‘one more meal out wont make a lot of difference’ or ‘I can eat the skin this time’ …you know – all that nutty thinking that we are so expert at.” These my friend are rationalizations that make us feel better about ourselves when we cut loose and start abusing. Self-honesty is the most critical element on this road. And the fact that you've recognized that is paramount to your success! When our importance level is set super high---and we decide that we're going to change for real this time, and we start having this level of honesty about our eating habits and the excuses and rationalizations that get in our way...that when those excuses and rationalizations hit the floor. They completely disappear. And we're free to do what we know is right. And it feels good.
I've completely annoyed people before, I know I have, when I talk about how this entire journey has been a pleasure---with very little struggle. But don't get me wrong...I have struggled---I didn't realize many of the powerful dynamics in play until I started writing and sorting out everything.
This post is way too long. A former co-worker of mine, after reading one of my blog post, had one thing to say about it: “It's way too long, you should make them shorter.” That co-worker has never had a problem with obesity, they just didn't “get it.” I know you do. You get it. And although I know there must be a way to condense my thoughts and examples---a self editing if you will, I will not apologize for the extremely long post. The hope is that by sharing what I've discovered for myself along the way, others will discover it too. It may be one sentence that strikes you in all of the above text. But if that one sentence offers you some clarity in your journey---then it was worth writing the entire thing.
Now---Where were we about Friday?--- Oh---well, I spent the evening driving friends around to various functions. Part of the night I spent as the driver for a bachelorette party. That was interesting. While they were partying, I found the time to play some poker with a friend. I delivered the party goers home and returned to my apartment for a late dinner. I prepared the grilled chicken wrap and sit down to eat it---and then...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I fell asleep. I was done. I woke up at 7am Saturday morning with an ache in my neck from the recliner. My food was still sitting there---all cold and unappealing. I made my way back to the bedroom and slept a little longer. I knew better than to stay up. I should have just grabbed a banana on my way to the bedroom. I ended up leaving 400 calories on the table last night---and that's not good. But I'm all right. I'm doing just fine.
Tomorrow night (Saturday night) I'll return to the Poncan Theatre stage to host the Poncan Opry. I can't wait! Being on stage at 263 is so different than at 505. It's amazing...but more on that in tomorrow's Saturday edition. Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Even If Just One Sentence Can Help, It's Worth Writing This Epic Post
I started this Friday morning early. It was 3:50am, and the plan was to get up—exercise, cook breakfast, write, shower, dress, and get to the studio in time for a little show prep before air. Finally---my plan went off without a hitch, certainly because I was up so early. And that's because I was asleep early enough to do it. My crazy schedule coupled with my horrible time management skills can be a disastrous combination for sure. But it's not impossible, not at all. I do have time for me---and if I ever think I don't, then I must bulldoze something and make the time. ME is important. Or uh...”I'm important.”
Breakfast this morning was a twist on an old favorite of mine. A classic egg-white omelet with mushrooms, but instead of cheese---I used chunky salsa! That was a very good calorie value maneuver...all of a sudden that omelet dropped from 170 calories to 100 calories! And it was big and filling with four egg whites, a bunch of fresh mushrooms, and a heaping tablespoon of salsa. I wanted to bump my calories up to at least 300 for breakfast, so I added some steel cut oats with blueberries and a half a banana. This is the real breakfast of champions my friend! Seriously, almost too much, but still such a low calorie value. Hmmm, choices...yes, good choices.
Ann recently gifted me a stainless steel water bottle. It's really helping me drink more water throughout the day. Aside from being wonderful for the environment, I love this bottle because of the cool feeling of the steel when it's full of cold water. Sometimes, it's all in the approach. I'm drinking more water just because it's in a different container? That sounds crazy, but it's true. I'm a strange one sometimes, I swear.
I'm really getting excited about a big event coming up on the 25th. I'm speaking twice in one day at an event for a major oil company. I think it's limited to their employees, but they asked if they could video one or both of the sessions for those that can't make it. I plan on requesting a copy and perhaps I'll be able to share one of the talks that day on this blog. I'll see what I can do! It will be grand, I know it will!
Every now and then, something I've discovered along this road and then written about jumps out at someone reading and fills them with concern. Some, as you'll read---nearly spew tea on their computer screen as they read the familiar experiences and concerns.
“Blue,” from www.blueraspberry.wordpress.com writes:
“Hi Sean, I have glanced over your blog when I have clicked on one of those names at the side of others blogs -- you know the thing....'those I like to follow' things, and have been slowly working my way up the long list of posts and never commented -- there are many far with far more constructive and erudite things to say than lil ol me...but I nearly spat my tea at the computer just now, when I read the following:~
"On the way out of town we discussed our strategy on vacation eating. Our strategy? Oh, uh, well....we didn't really have one. We all agreed that calorie counting and watching what we were eating was not going to be a part of our trip. That entire trip we ate whatever, whenever, and how much ever we wanted without regard to calories or the potential effects on our amazing progress. When the week was over, we never could find our “plan.” I think we left it somewhere between the concession stands at Kaufman (Royals) Stadium and the endless, hot, breakfast buffet at our hotel. Wherever we lost it, it was gone. Actually, I think it blew out of the window of our vehicle a few miles from home, somewhere along Highway 60, before we ever even reached I-35. "
I am off for a weeks break in a couple of weeks time, and the last few days on my blog I have been torturing myself with how to manage it...for exactly the reasons you spoke about lol....Plans -- what plans? This time I am determined...there are no short-cuts this time..
"Do you find holidays and such scary? I do. The fear is around my consummate ability to convince myself that I can do things I know are not in my best interest. You know the sort of thing, ‘its half fat so it doesn’t count’ or ‘one more meal out wont make a lot of difference’ or ‘I can eat the skin this time’ …you know – all that nutty thinking that we are so expert at. The opposite side of that coin, is that I am really quite determined not to go there…(my black and white thing) and in doing so, make life miserable for all those trying to have a fun break too. Somewhere there has to be a livable – workable alternative, and I guess if anyone has to bend it should really be me. There is also another fear I have. You will all recognize it. The fear is that I have seen many really strong, determined women – and men, whose weight loss efforts come to grief as a result of a holiday.
Seems there are some things to think about — I might examine them all over the next few days and see where my thinking takes me. If you see any glaring boo-boo’s in my thinking you have absolute permission to shove them under my nose, because I can convince myself of anything if I talk to me long enough."......
So I am planning what to eat, so that I can eat what I plan....But I will keep the car windows shut - just in case. Blue-- www.blueraspberry.wordpress.com
I detailed that trip and it's aftermath on my Day 6 post titled “Learning From The Past.” Here's a short excerpt:
Of course we told ourselves that when the trip was over, it was back to counting calories. But, here's where we messed up. The practice of counting calories is not something I plan on doing for the rest of my life. It's not really hard or anything like that, but I just wouldn't want to do it forever. Counting calories now is a way to lose the weight, but it also teaches us lessons on portion control. Sometimes we don't realize how many calories are in what we eat, but counting calories lets us know, not only the calories but the size. Counting calories teaches us how to make healthy choices while budgeting our calories. We didn't understand that part of the journey. We didn't understand that counting calories was suppose to teach us how to eat better, control portions, and not eat just for the sake of pigging out. It was suppose to teach us lessons in eating that we could carry on for the rest of our lives. Instead of recognizing these lessons, we acted like we had just been rescued from a deserted island and we were going to make up for all the food we didn't get before. When we got back home it was like we completely forgot about the plan. We stopped working out on a regular basis and started being dishonest about our calorie intake (I know I did) And once you start being dishonest with yourself, then it's all over. One day led to another and before you know it we were right back to eating whatever we wanted, as much as we wanted, and we didn't exercise. We would say...”hey, we have to get back on the wagon”...”yeah, let's start Monday”...and Monday we would continue our old ways. We have a plan now. We have goals. We have watched the film so to speak of our past failure...We are determined. We are learning how to eat again.
The concerns of Blue about this part of the journey goes straight to the heart of a very serious question: Are you just going through the motions needed to lose weight? Or are you seriously addressing your food behaviors? How can you tell the difference? Let's discuss this tricky dynamic:
The entire time I was losing weight back in 2004, I was struggling. I was looking forward to cutting loose and eating as much as I could hold. That's why when I crossed the 100 pounds lost milestone in July of 2004, I celebrated with thousands of calories at a party held just minutes after the celebrated weigh-in. I didn't realize it at that moment, but it was the beginning of the end. The vacation meltdown described above, came just a week later. We were done. Our weight loss success was over and the return to where we started was imminent. But why did it have to be that way every time?
It had to be that way because our lust for large amounts of food and our denial of addiction overpowered, and really, completely eliminated our desires to lose weight. We had been forcing ourselves to eat smaller portions and exercise, while fantasizing the entire time about going back to our old ways. This wasn't the change we needed or really wanted. So what's different about this time? And how can it be different for you and Blue?
This time is different, because we decided to let go of the rules and limitations we always thought were required to lose weight. We adopted the “nothing is off limits” approach as a way to eliminate any feelings of deprivation while still focusing on portion control. The hope was, that our choices would gradually and naturally improve with this approach, and they have, dramatically. We also decided to take the focus off the food and put it on the people and circumstances of the occasion. It's all about eating what we like in normal portions. And better---it's eating like a normal person, not a food addict.
It's a “confident patience.” I love ice cream, and I will eat ice cream again, and I do—but I can slow down and enjoy a responsible portion without feeling the need to devour a half a gallon. A confident patience means that if I don't have room in my calorie budget for something I really want to try today, then I'll have it soon...I'll enjoy it and make it fit into my good choices.
I no longer depend on food to make me happy. That's a powerful point to all of this. So if I'm on vacation, just because I eat responsible portions---it doesn't mean that I'm going to ruin everyone's fun! The vacation itself and the people I'm sharing the experiences with...these are the things that make me happy. It's taking the focus off of the food and putting it on the people and enjoyable circumstances surrounding you. I'm still enjoying what I like in responsible portions, and I'm not ruining anyone's fun by not gorging...in fact, nobody really notices or cares.
They were right. “They” being all of those people that always told me that it had to be a lifestyle change. It had to be a mindset change. I had to start thinking about food in a normal way. And if I'm seriously wanting to keep this weight off for the rest of my life, and ultimately win the battle against morbid obesity---I had to learn how to become a normal eater. And if I'm a normal eater, then my eating patterns shouldn't change dramatically just because I'm enjoying special occasions or time off. I still love food, and I still enjoy food. But now, I treat food responsibly---I don't abuse myself with food. And I don't lose weight because I just suppress the urges to abuse myself with food, I lose weight because I've been learning what it's like to become someone who eats to live and doesn't live to eat. And it doesn't ever change because of special occasions. This is my lifestyle now. This is my confident patience.
And Blue, about the thoughts you have had in the past: “its half fat so it doesn’t count’ or ‘one more meal out wont make a lot of difference’ or ‘I can eat the skin this time’ …you know – all that nutty thinking that we are so expert at.” These my friend are rationalizations that make us feel better about ourselves when we cut loose and start abusing. Self-honesty is the most critical element on this road. And the fact that you've recognized that is paramount to your success! When our importance level is set super high---and we decide that we're going to change for real this time, and we start having this level of honesty about our eating habits and the excuses and rationalizations that get in our way...that when those excuses and rationalizations hit the floor. They completely disappear. And we're free to do what we know is right. And it feels good.
I've completely annoyed people before, I know I have, when I talk about how this entire journey has been a pleasure---with very little struggle. But don't get me wrong...I have struggled---I didn't realize many of the powerful dynamics in play until I started writing and sorting out everything.
This post is way too long. A former co-worker of mine, after reading one of my blog post, had one thing to say about it: “It's way too long, you should make them shorter.” That co-worker has never had a problem with obesity, they just didn't “get it.” I know you do. You get it. And although I know there must be a way to condense my thoughts and examples---a self editing if you will, I will not apologize for the extremely long post. The hope is that by sharing what I've discovered for myself along the way, others will discover it too. It may be one sentence that strikes you in all of the above text. But if that one sentence offers you some clarity in your journey---then it was worth writing the entire thing.
Now---Where were we about Friday?--- Oh---well, I spent the evening driving friends around to various functions. Part of the night I spent as the driver for a bachelorette party. That was interesting. While they were partying, I found the time to play some poker with a friend. I delivered the party goers home and returned to my apartment for a late dinner. I prepared the grilled chicken wrap and sit down to eat it---and then...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I fell asleep. I was done. I woke up at 7am Saturday morning with an ache in my neck from the recliner. My food was still sitting there---all cold and unappealing. I made my way back to the bedroom and slept a little longer. I knew better than to stay up. I should have just grabbed a banana on my way to the bedroom. I ended up leaving 400 calories on the table last night---and that's not good. But I'm all right. I'm doing just fine.
Tomorrow night (Saturday night) I'll return to the Poncan Theatre stage to host the Poncan Opry. I can't wait! Being on stage at 263 is so different than at 505. It's amazing...but more on that in tomorrow's Saturday edition. Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day 536 My Experiences, Epiphanies, and Clarity
Day 536
My Experiences, Epiphanies, and Clarity
Every now and then I write something about this journey of discovery that doesn't sit well with a reader. I've received e-mails that, although always friendly, expressed concern and worry because I hit a nerve concerning their method of weight loss. I've been called “self-righteous” and a couple of times I've read “what works for you may not be what works for me, it doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong.” This type of feedback is extremely rare, in fact---I can count on one hand how many of these messages I've received in the last 536 days.
First of all...I write this blog from my perspective. These are my experiences, my epiphanies, my clarity and understanding. If you find that these epiphanies, clarity, and understandings ring true for you---and you relate to my experiences, then cool! Very cool. If not, that's fine too. I understand that we're all at our own individual place on this road. I have nothing but respect and consideration for you!
My personality has developed from my existence as a morbidly obese child and adult. I have a very needy desire to be liked. Don't we all? It's nice to be loved, right? I want everyone to be happy---so naturally, when someone expresses the slightest bit of concern or offense to something I've written about---I immediately feel the need to explain my position even further. Let's call it a desperate attempt to “win them over,” fueled by not only my inner need to be in good favor, but mainly to be perfectly understood.
In my blog yesterday I flashed back to day 170---this was a small excerpt of that: (please pardon the 'excerpt of an excerpt!')
Whenever I hear the words “meal replacement,” as in bars or shakes, I just have to “shake” my head and “pound” the bar. It's amazing to me that billion dollar companies have been built on plans that include “meal replacement” products. I don't know about you, but I like real food. I wouldn't want to eat a bar for breakfast and a shake for lunch everyday for the rest of my life. But I do plan on eating real food for the rest of my life. When the goal is met, and a person becomes another “meal replacement success,” Their success inspires others to try it, and the cycle and money machine continues to roll along. In the meantime, the first person who met their goal weight is facing real food again, and since they didn't address their old habits, they just replaced them, they go back to the same old behaviors and gain back the weight and often times more. Some might say “Sean, are you being a weight loss snob?” No way! What's right is right. And when a person stops searching for a quick fix or magic solution, or something to do it for them, and they start doing the mental exercises, confronting their habits and emotions, they start eating better and smaller portions, and they start moving again, they end up discovering that they can have success without spending a fortune on special plans or products.
“Littleredhairedgirl” left some wonderful words, thank you! She also expressed some concern over the above paragraph:
I've been lurking around your blog for a while now... and finally decided to comment today. First of all, congrats on your choice to have a different lifestyle. I'm in awe of your success. It's awesome! Secondly, I wanted to comment on the part from the old blog you shared about “meal replacement" items. I have recently started using them in addition to making small changes in my diet. (I'm just starting my journey.) I've found that these items are helping me... to curb hunger. I work a management job that keeps me from taking regular lunch breaks/getting out of the office to eat dinner at home. Before I started using these items to keep me on track during the day - I wouldn't eat all day.. then go home and binge at night. Of course, snacking on fruits and veggies would be better... but these bars are easier FOR ME. Just wanted to offer another perspective. Hope it's still a great day! :)
Thank you my friend! In your situation, I can see how you're using these products to your advantage, and that's a good thing. It's a preventative measure for you. For me---I used them in the past as an exclusive means to lose weight. And in that, discovered that I was simply avoiding my real issues with food. I was focused solely on the results, not the learning and self-discovery along the way. I couldn't care less about that mumbo jumbo back then...I just wanted the weight gone. And do these products work? Yes---of course they do...if dropping the weight was my only concern, but the aftermath always included me returning to my old behaviors with food that I refused to confront in the first place. You my friend are using these in a different way---and I applaud that, I do! It sounds like you know yourself well and have prepared a defense that allows you to succeed while understanding the mental dynamics in play. Thank you for giving me a little different perspective! And you know me, it's always a great day around here---even if I'm down a bit, I always stop and give thanks for how far I've come.
My weight training today at the YMCA was good, although I prefer upper body. I'm confident about the upper body machines. The lower body machines, some of them at least, require you to lay down or get into a position that's less than flattering. I wish I could totally get over my self-image issues. Seriously...my brain tries to convince me that people are staring at me negatively, and that's just not true. Other people are there trying to accomplish the same things as me. They really couldn't care less that my shirt is riding up on the leg press exposing some stretch marks and loose skin. If they're thinking anything about me, it's positive I'm sure! And if they're anything like me, they're worried that I'm noticing how much they're sweating. I don't...you're suppose to sweat, it's ok.
I attended the Poncan Theatre tonight for Romeo and Juliet with the full South Kansas Symphony. It was really something special! And it never fails...I always take a moment to notice how perfectly I fit into any seat I choose. These theatre seats are incredibly comfortable when you're a somewhat normal size. It's such a free feeling to never have to call in advance again to request an armless chair in the wheelchair section. I don't miss that one bit. At 505, I flat out couldn't fit in the seats, forget it. I know I've talked about this fitting into seats thing many times, but seriously...I never get tired of this. I love being this small!
The warmer weather is begging me to move the workouts outdoors, and I plan on doing just that this weekend. I'll do my weight training on the machines at the YMCA---but the cardio will be the trail and me getting reacquainted with each other in the sunshine. I've been out there recently, but it's been late at night.
I prepared a mixed dinner tonight. I enjoyed a couple of baked egg rolls, a small chicken breast, and a mushroom and mozzarella pita pizza. The entire meal was still only 490 calories. It was a bunch of food too! I was completely full and totally satisfied.
I was happy to get into bed before 11pm tonight. My sleeping patterns still need improvement, but I'm slowly making adjustments.
Oh--I almost forgot---I spent nearly an hour and a half with a divorce lawyer today. The friendliness between Irene and Me is going to save us a bunch of money. It should be relatively smooth and fairly easy. That's a relief!
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
My Experiences, Epiphanies, and Clarity
Every now and then I write something about this journey of discovery that doesn't sit well with a reader. I've received e-mails that, although always friendly, expressed concern and worry because I hit a nerve concerning their method of weight loss. I've been called “self-righteous” and a couple of times I've read “what works for you may not be what works for me, it doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong.” This type of feedback is extremely rare, in fact---I can count on one hand how many of these messages I've received in the last 536 days.
First of all...I write this blog from my perspective. These are my experiences, my epiphanies, my clarity and understanding. If you find that these epiphanies, clarity, and understandings ring true for you---and you relate to my experiences, then cool! Very cool. If not, that's fine too. I understand that we're all at our own individual place on this road. I have nothing but respect and consideration for you!
My personality has developed from my existence as a morbidly obese child and adult. I have a very needy desire to be liked. Don't we all? It's nice to be loved, right? I want everyone to be happy---so naturally, when someone expresses the slightest bit of concern or offense to something I've written about---I immediately feel the need to explain my position even further. Let's call it a desperate attempt to “win them over,” fueled by not only my inner need to be in good favor, but mainly to be perfectly understood.
In my blog yesterday I flashed back to day 170---this was a small excerpt of that: (please pardon the 'excerpt of an excerpt!')
Whenever I hear the words “meal replacement,” as in bars or shakes, I just have to “shake” my head and “pound” the bar. It's amazing to me that billion dollar companies have been built on plans that include “meal replacement” products. I don't know about you, but I like real food. I wouldn't want to eat a bar for breakfast and a shake for lunch everyday for the rest of my life. But I do plan on eating real food for the rest of my life. When the goal is met, and a person becomes another “meal replacement success,” Their success inspires others to try it, and the cycle and money machine continues to roll along. In the meantime, the first person who met their goal weight is facing real food again, and since they didn't address their old habits, they just replaced them, they go back to the same old behaviors and gain back the weight and often times more. Some might say “Sean, are you being a weight loss snob?” No way! What's right is right. And when a person stops searching for a quick fix or magic solution, or something to do it for them, and they start doing the mental exercises, confronting their habits and emotions, they start eating better and smaller portions, and they start moving again, they end up discovering that they can have success without spending a fortune on special plans or products.
“Littleredhairedgirl” left some wonderful words, thank you! She also expressed some concern over the above paragraph:
I've been lurking around your blog for a while now... and finally decided to comment today. First of all, congrats on your choice to have a different lifestyle. I'm in awe of your success. It's awesome! Secondly, I wanted to comment on the part from the old blog you shared about “meal replacement" items. I have recently started using them in addition to making small changes in my diet. (I'm just starting my journey.) I've found that these items are helping me... to curb hunger. I work a management job that keeps me from taking regular lunch breaks/getting out of the office to eat dinner at home. Before I started using these items to keep me on track during the day - I wouldn't eat all day.. then go home and binge at night. Of course, snacking on fruits and veggies would be better... but these bars are easier FOR ME. Just wanted to offer another perspective. Hope it's still a great day! :)
Thank you my friend! In your situation, I can see how you're using these products to your advantage, and that's a good thing. It's a preventative measure for you. For me---I used them in the past as an exclusive means to lose weight. And in that, discovered that I was simply avoiding my real issues with food. I was focused solely on the results, not the learning and self-discovery along the way. I couldn't care less about that mumbo jumbo back then...I just wanted the weight gone. And do these products work? Yes---of course they do...if dropping the weight was my only concern, but the aftermath always included me returning to my old behaviors with food that I refused to confront in the first place. You my friend are using these in a different way---and I applaud that, I do! It sounds like you know yourself well and have prepared a defense that allows you to succeed while understanding the mental dynamics in play. Thank you for giving me a little different perspective! And you know me, it's always a great day around here---even if I'm down a bit, I always stop and give thanks for how far I've come.
My weight training today at the YMCA was good, although I prefer upper body. I'm confident about the upper body machines. The lower body machines, some of them at least, require you to lay down or get into a position that's less than flattering. I wish I could totally get over my self-image issues. Seriously...my brain tries to convince me that people are staring at me negatively, and that's just not true. Other people are there trying to accomplish the same things as me. They really couldn't care less that my shirt is riding up on the leg press exposing some stretch marks and loose skin. If they're thinking anything about me, it's positive I'm sure! And if they're anything like me, they're worried that I'm noticing how much they're sweating. I don't...you're suppose to sweat, it's ok.
I attended the Poncan Theatre tonight for Romeo and Juliet with the full South Kansas Symphony. It was really something special! And it never fails...I always take a moment to notice how perfectly I fit into any seat I choose. These theatre seats are incredibly comfortable when you're a somewhat normal size. It's such a free feeling to never have to call in advance again to request an armless chair in the wheelchair section. I don't miss that one bit. At 505, I flat out couldn't fit in the seats, forget it. I know I've talked about this fitting into seats thing many times, but seriously...I never get tired of this. I love being this small!
The warmer weather is begging me to move the workouts outdoors, and I plan on doing just that this weekend. I'll do my weight training on the machines at the YMCA---but the cardio will be the trail and me getting reacquainted with each other in the sunshine. I've been out there recently, but it's been late at night.
I prepared a mixed dinner tonight. I enjoyed a couple of baked egg rolls, a small chicken breast, and a mushroom and mozzarella pita pizza. The entire meal was still only 490 calories. It was a bunch of food too! I was completely full and totally satisfied.
I was happy to get into bed before 11pm tonight. My sleeping patterns still need improvement, but I'm slowly making adjustments.
Oh--I almost forgot---I spent nearly an hour and a half with a divorce lawyer today. The friendliness between Irene and Me is going to save us a bunch of money. It should be relatively smooth and fairly easy. That's a relief!
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day 535 Sweep The Clocks From My Life---A Weigh Day Attitude
Day 535
Sweep The Clocks From My Life---A Weigh Day Attitude
Stepping on the scale two weeks ago was such a wonderful experience. I lost four pounds that day…even with an added 300 calories per day! Today was once again weigh day, and although it was good…it wasn’t as thrilling as four pounds---half as thrilling. I lost two pounds! I’m now sitting at 263. 242 total pounds lost---and just 11 pounds shy of the magical “crossing point.” A friend of mine for nearly two decades, commented me on facebook---saying that I now weighed less than he did. He told me he had mixed emotions about that. Not me! That’s thrilling! Why? Because I’ve never considered him “obese.” He’s always looked like a normal guy. I weigh less than him…I’m somewhat normal? I guess so…Hmmm, my brain will need a little while to process this information.
I’m happy about the continued downward movement of the scale. But naturally I’d like to explore ways I can make it move along a little faster. It honestly doesn’t matter---time, you know that. I’m headed to my fitness and weight goals regardless of time. However long it takes, I’m getting there. Sweep the clocks from my life, they do not matter anymore. This weigh day attitude is very important. But still---I can’t ignore the question: How could I make this move along a little quicker?
I can get super diligent about my water consumption (I’m still not—and probably never will be perfect on water drinking habits), I can intensify my workouts, and I can start keeping track of different elements in my daily intake, like sodium. Some of this might sound like a broken record around here. I’ve been talking about “turning up the intensity” in my workouts for over a year. I still workout well—But I’ve always been curious what a “Biggest Loser” style workout would do for me. Don’t get me wrong---242 pounds, uh—yeah, no complaints here. It’s just natural for me to wonder if I could be a little more efficient…and the answer to that is a glaring…YES!
My dear Aunt Kelli has started a blog too! I’m very happy for her! Remember the “love-sick” mystery person I wrote about the other day? Mystery solved. It was Kelli. I’ve tried to convince Kelli to give herself a solid 365 days of attention—and I’m just thrilled that she’s gifting herself with this commitment. You can find her blog at: www.snoconegirl.blogspot.com I love Kelli like a sister, we were raised like siblings really—and we’re only three years apart in age, so you can imagine how proud I am of her for taking this step in the direction of freedom.
From Day 170---written exactly one year ago today:
It doesn't matter how many times it happens, I never get tired of hearing someone say, “hey, you've lost a bunch of weight, huh?” Today I stopped into a convenience store to pay for my gas when this very thing happened again. It was a convenience store I use to frequent all the time when we lived in our old house, but since we moved across town, it's just not convenient anymore. And when a convenience store stops being convenient, that's when I stop going there. We moved last June, and since then I've probably darkened that doorway twice. Right when I walked in today, I was greeted with “Wow, you've lost a bunch of weight!” I told the clerk, “yes...over 120 pounds so far!” And then the question came. “How are you doing it?” It's amazing how this question is always the first question 99.9% of the time. I understand it's a human nature thing. It's so ingrained in our minds that losing weight must be a “secret,” or some kind of magical mystery code cracked, or it must be some amazing new weight loss pill or program. Sometimes people look genuinely disappointed when I tell them “I'm eating smaller portions, counting calories, drinking plenty of water, and exercising.”
I've even had people hear me say that, and then they'll still suggest or tout a product, pill, or program that “my Aunt Louwanda lost 57 pounds on.” I'm usually in too much of a hurry to debate the reasons why my plan is better, so I just nod and smile, and say thank you. Unless I feel like I could help that person by taking the time to explain the “secret,” and how it's really not a “secret” at all. If I said it once, I've said it a million times in this blog. You can lose weight on just about every product and plan out there. But if it doesn't address and include real world everyday food choices, how to make better choices, and really teaches about portion control, then it's just a temporary thing. If it doesn't require a person to gain a deeper understanding of their habits and personal psychology that made them fat in the first place, then it's just a temporary thing.
Whenever I hear the words “meal replacement,” as in bars or shakes, I just have to “shake” my head and “pound” the bar. It's amazing to me that billion dollar companies have been built on plans that include “meal replacement” products. I don't know about you, but I like real food. I wouldn't want to eat a bar for breakfast and a shake for lunch everyday for the rest of my life. But I do plan on eating real food for the rest of my life. When the goal is met, and a person becomes another “meal replacement success,” Their success inspires others to try it, and the cycle and money machine continues to roll along. In the meantime, the first person who met their goal weight is facing real food again, and since they didn't address their old habits, they just replaced them, they go back to the same old behaviors and gain back the weight and often times more. Some might say “Sean, are you being a weight loss snob?” No way! What's right is right. And when a person stops searching for a quick fix or magic solution, or something to do it for them, and they start doing the mental exercises, confronting their habits and emotions, they start eating better and smaller portions, and they start moving again, they end up discovering that they can have success without spending a fortune on special plans or products.
Now, let me say this: I've had many friends and family who have gone under the knife for weight loss surgery. I'm not talking about that in my above commentary. You ask any of them who've had it, and they'll tell you, it's not an “easy way out” by any stretch of the imagination. They have to work hard everyday at controlling their intake and managing their cravings, and they have to do it or else they suffer tremendously. I completely understand the feelings and emotions involved with making that decision. At 505 pounds, I was at the point of hopeless desperation; it's not a real fun place to be. So I empathize with anyone making that desperate decision. I looked into weight loss surgery for me at one time. The time I spent last year between June 10th (the day I was told how desperately dangerous my weight had become) and September 15th, (the day I actually started this journey) I discovered that my health insurance wouldn't pay for a surgery and I was really ready to just accept my fate of dying young and morbidly obese. Somehow I harnessed the strength to be honest with myself and confront this crazy brain of mine that somehow thought it was ok to eat a half-gallon of ice cream in two settings. If you haven't read from the beginning of this blog, go back in the archives and read from Day 1...It's been a battle my friend!
Thank you for reading! And I sincerely appreciate your support. Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Sweep The Clocks From My Life---A Weigh Day Attitude
Stepping on the scale two weeks ago was such a wonderful experience. I lost four pounds that day…even with an added 300 calories per day! Today was once again weigh day, and although it was good…it wasn’t as thrilling as four pounds---half as thrilling. I lost two pounds! I’m now sitting at 263. 242 total pounds lost---and just 11 pounds shy of the magical “crossing point.” A friend of mine for nearly two decades, commented me on facebook---saying that I now weighed less than he did. He told me he had mixed emotions about that. Not me! That’s thrilling! Why? Because I’ve never considered him “obese.” He’s always looked like a normal guy. I weigh less than him…I’m somewhat normal? I guess so…Hmmm, my brain will need a little while to process this information.
I’m happy about the continued downward movement of the scale. But naturally I’d like to explore ways I can make it move along a little faster. It honestly doesn’t matter---time, you know that. I’m headed to my fitness and weight goals regardless of time. However long it takes, I’m getting there. Sweep the clocks from my life, they do not matter anymore. This weigh day attitude is very important. But still---I can’t ignore the question: How could I make this move along a little quicker?
I can get super diligent about my water consumption (I’m still not—and probably never will be perfect on water drinking habits), I can intensify my workouts, and I can start keeping track of different elements in my daily intake, like sodium. Some of this might sound like a broken record around here. I’ve been talking about “turning up the intensity” in my workouts for over a year. I still workout well—But I’ve always been curious what a “Biggest Loser” style workout would do for me. Don’t get me wrong---242 pounds, uh—yeah, no complaints here. It’s just natural for me to wonder if I could be a little more efficient…and the answer to that is a glaring…YES!
My dear Aunt Kelli has started a blog too! I’m very happy for her! Remember the “love-sick” mystery person I wrote about the other day? Mystery solved. It was Kelli. I’ve tried to convince Kelli to give herself a solid 365 days of attention—and I’m just thrilled that she’s gifting herself with this commitment. You can find her blog at: www.snoconegirl.blogspot.com I love Kelli like a sister, we were raised like siblings really—and we’re only three years apart in age, so you can imagine how proud I am of her for taking this step in the direction of freedom.
From Day 170---written exactly one year ago today:
It doesn't matter how many times it happens, I never get tired of hearing someone say, “hey, you've lost a bunch of weight, huh?” Today I stopped into a convenience store to pay for my gas when this very thing happened again. It was a convenience store I use to frequent all the time when we lived in our old house, but since we moved across town, it's just not convenient anymore. And when a convenience store stops being convenient, that's when I stop going there. We moved last June, and since then I've probably darkened that doorway twice. Right when I walked in today, I was greeted with “Wow, you've lost a bunch of weight!” I told the clerk, “yes...over 120 pounds so far!” And then the question came. “How are you doing it?” It's amazing how this question is always the first question 99.9% of the time. I understand it's a human nature thing. It's so ingrained in our minds that losing weight must be a “secret,” or some kind of magical mystery code cracked, or it must be some amazing new weight loss pill or program. Sometimes people look genuinely disappointed when I tell them “I'm eating smaller portions, counting calories, drinking plenty of water, and exercising.”
I've even had people hear me say that, and then they'll still suggest or tout a product, pill, or program that “my Aunt Louwanda lost 57 pounds on.” I'm usually in too much of a hurry to debate the reasons why my plan is better, so I just nod and smile, and say thank you. Unless I feel like I could help that person by taking the time to explain the “secret,” and how it's really not a “secret” at all. If I said it once, I've said it a million times in this blog. You can lose weight on just about every product and plan out there. But if it doesn't address and include real world everyday food choices, how to make better choices, and really teaches about portion control, then it's just a temporary thing. If it doesn't require a person to gain a deeper understanding of their habits and personal psychology that made them fat in the first place, then it's just a temporary thing.
Whenever I hear the words “meal replacement,” as in bars or shakes, I just have to “shake” my head and “pound” the bar. It's amazing to me that billion dollar companies have been built on plans that include “meal replacement” products. I don't know about you, but I like real food. I wouldn't want to eat a bar for breakfast and a shake for lunch everyday for the rest of my life. But I do plan on eating real food for the rest of my life. When the goal is met, and a person becomes another “meal replacement success,” Their success inspires others to try it, and the cycle and money machine continues to roll along. In the meantime, the first person who met their goal weight is facing real food again, and since they didn't address their old habits, they just replaced them, they go back to the same old behaviors and gain back the weight and often times more. Some might say “Sean, are you being a weight loss snob?” No way! What's right is right. And when a person stops searching for a quick fix or magic solution, or something to do it for them, and they start doing the mental exercises, confronting their habits and emotions, they start eating better and smaller portions, and they start moving again, they end up discovering that they can have success without spending a fortune on special plans or products.
Now, let me say this: I've had many friends and family who have gone under the knife for weight loss surgery. I'm not talking about that in my above commentary. You ask any of them who've had it, and they'll tell you, it's not an “easy way out” by any stretch of the imagination. They have to work hard everyday at controlling their intake and managing their cravings, and they have to do it or else they suffer tremendously. I completely understand the feelings and emotions involved with making that decision. At 505 pounds, I was at the point of hopeless desperation; it's not a real fun place to be. So I empathize with anyone making that desperate decision. I looked into weight loss surgery for me at one time. The time I spent last year between June 10th (the day I was told how desperately dangerous my weight had become) and September 15th, (the day I actually started this journey) I discovered that my health insurance wouldn't pay for a surgery and I was really ready to just accept my fate of dying young and morbidly obese. Somehow I harnessed the strength to be honest with myself and confront this crazy brain of mine that somehow thought it was ok to eat a half-gallon of ice cream in two settings. If you haven't read from the beginning of this blog, go back in the archives and read from Day 1...It's been a battle my friend!
Thank you for reading! And I sincerely appreciate your support. Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day 534 That Picture Is Almost Too Much and Don't Be One That Doesn't Make It--Revisited
Day 534
That Picture Is Almost Too Much and Don't Be One That Doesn't Make It--Revisited
Oh my---that before picture from yesterday was almost too much. What a horrible shot. Jack Sh*t cracked me up with his comment: “I'm afraid of that "before" pic. Pls keep it away from me...” I'm afraid of it too Jack! I found it and immediately cringed, which means it had to go on the blog. Any before shot with a “cringe factor,” is immediately uploaded around here. And really, they all make me cringe to a certain degree. But that before shot---oh my, that really bothered me. I looked sick. I was so lost.
I hopped up this morning and greeted my Tuesday with a can-do attitude. I had a good breakfast (I always make sure of that), a good morning show, and an afternoon dentist visit. I had consumed 700 calories going into my 2pm dentist visit. I had planned on having a little more by then because I wasn't sure how much I'd feel like eating afterward.
I want to give a very special thank you to Dr. and Nancy Tyndall and their incredible staff at Tyndall Family Dentistry in Ponca City, Oklahoma. They've really taken good care of me over the last year or so. In the spirit of, “you took care of your body, now let us take care of your smile,” they've given me so much. Many of these things because, in Nancy Tyndall's words, “you've been such a huge inspiration to so many around here.” I almost don't know what to say---what an amazing bunch of people over there. Thank you! And when you see me smiling proudly in my “in-progress” pictures posted on this blog, or at a weight loss seminar, or any other future outlet---now you'll know the story behind the smile. And if you've read every single day, then you'll know the whole story! ;)
After the dentist today, I ran into Wal-Mart for a few items. I grabbed some cottage cheese and a few necessities (mushrooms and eggs)---then I hurried home and devoured the entire container of cottage cheese. It was a small container, but still 330 calories---it was soft and good, and my mouth was sore! I love cottage cheese, I do...almost too much. I don't keep the larger size containers around because I guess I don't trust myself. I can remember too many times in the past when an entire large carton of cottage cheese---complete with crackers, would be devoured in one sitting by yours truly. Buying the smaller containers---with 330 calories total in the whole thing, is like damage control. I know I'm strong enough to handle the larger carton, but some things---some foods are symbols of my past failed attempts and I limit them automatically.
Cottage cheese is limited, along with ice cream, peanut butter, potato chips, and nuts of any kind. Oh, and trail mix, extra sharp cheddar cheese, snack crackers, granola bars, and dips (except salsa—I can eat that all day long). I'll still enjoy these foods from time to time, but I don't keep them stocked around the house. I know what foods make me weak, and I naturally avoid having large amounts readily available. Small amounts? That's fine—large amounts? Not so much! Why would I want to make this journey harder than it needs to be? I'm all about keeping it simple. Knowing my trigger foods and controlling my exposure to those foods has been a relatively quiet, but key component to my success.
I went back into the archives and read Day 169 today. It was titled “Don't Be One That Doesn't Make It.” It was the start of the “Lose To Win” seminars, and over 700 people in this town of 25,000 signed up to lose weight. The program here had an astonishing retention rate of nearly 75%, compared to less than 25% in other parts of the United States. Still, one in four who signed up didn't make it for the many reasons we're all familiar. The other three out of four lost a combined nearly 5000 pounds in two short months. Some lost a bunch, some a little---it all added up to the most successful “Lose To Win” program in the history of the eighty hospital CHS medical group. Here's an excerpt from exactly one year and over 120 pounds ago:
Some of the things that kept me going: My motivating thoughts were key in the beginning, they're still key everyday. I constantly thought about the importance of what I was doing. To me, at over 500 pounds, it was a life or early death decision. Maybe it isn't that dramatic for you, perhaps you need to lose 20 to 30 pounds. Even with smaller amounts, you have to make the importance level and the motivation almost over-dramatic. If you don't, it's too easy to say “Oh well, it's not that big of a deal.” You need to make it a big deal. Since I decided that I would change my entire outlook and approach to food, I knew there was nothing that I couldn't have if I wanted it, as long as it fit in my calorie budget for that day. This dynamic made it impossible for me to feel deprived. If I didn't have enough calories to enjoy that chili dog today, perhaps I can work it in tomorrow. If I really wanted a candy bar, or some kind of chocolate, then I could eat it, as long as the calories were added to that days total. Using my calories “like cash” forces me to think about my choices. Everyday I get 1,500 brand new calories to spend. I have to make good “calorie value” choices throughout the day to make sure my allotment for that day is enough to tuck me in at night without wanting of any kind.
This approach was a revolutionary change for me from past attempts at losing weight. I was talking to Brandon, one of my teammates for this challenge, during our team meeting tonight. He describes eating habits exactly like I had for so many years. He mentioned how no matter how good he was on track, he was always just one double cheeseburger or stressful day away from wrecking the whole thing. Just one. I was like that too! One taste of what I was missing, or the slightest hint of stress and bam! It would be like a shark tasting blood in the water, I would immediately be done, no matter the progress I'd worked so hard to achieve, I was eating everything in sight after a taste of my old cravings, ways, and emotional habits.
This dysfunctional pattern is what wrecked my impressive run in 2004 when I lost 115 pounds. Maybe you've read about it in the early archives of this blog. We had lost well over 200 pounds as a family, I had lost 115 before we decided on a little “before school starts” vacation to Kansas City. On the way out of town we discussed our strategy on vacation eating. Our strategy? Oh, uh, well....we didn't really have one. We all agreed that calorie counting and watching what we were eating was not going to be a part of our trip. That entire trip we ate whatever, whenever, and how much ever we wanted without regard to calories or the potential effects on our amazing progress. When the week was over, we never could find our “plan.” I think we left it somewhere between the concession stands at Kaufman (Royals) Stadium and the endless, hot, breakfast buffet at our hotel. Wherever we lost it, it was gone. Actually, I think it blew out of the window of our vehicle a few miles from home, somewhere along Highway 60, before we ever even reached I-35.
And quickly, without exercise and portion control, the weight we had worked so hard to lose came back, and then some. You see, we weren't learning along the way. We didn't realize how important it was to really change the way we look at portions and food choices. All we were doing back then was what we knew would make us lose weight: We were eating less and exercising, but doing it without changing our minds and bad food habits. We were just suppressing those excessive bad habits long enough to achieve short term results. I don't know about you, but for me, I never want to see 400 pounds again, and 500? Forget it, never my friend, never, ever again will I abuse myself like that. That's why it's paramount to your long term success to really take advantage of the information and resources made available during this program. Don't just go through the motions needed for a temporary change, get into your brain, and re-program the way you approach food choices and portions.
Read the information provided in the “Lose To Win” folder, make attending the seminars vitally important, and while you're there, listen like you're getting all the correct answers to the most important exam of your life. Develop and hold tight to your “motivating thoughts.” Is it “I want to lose 20 pounds so I can fit into my skinny jeans?” or maybe “I want to lower my blood pressure and dramatically improve my cholesterol and overall health,” or maybe you're like me... “I want to live long enough to grow old,” “I want to influence my future grandkids,” “I want to dramatically improve my marriage,” “I want to be able to enjoy life.” “I just want to be alive.” I know it sounds dramatic, but dog-gone-it, it is! And no matter the level of your motivating thoughts, they all have equal importance. Make them your passion. Embrace them at the risk of eye rolls from your friends and associates. Make this the most important thing you've ever done in life, no matter if it's 20 pounds or two hundred pounds.
If you do that, and you embrace your motivators, and you realize that these mental exercises are just as important as the physical, then I guess I'll be seeing you at the “Lose To Win” awards ceremony in May. As a winner or just another participant cheering you to the podium, I'll be there...You can count on that. Remember, until you commit to the mental workouts that keep you from tripping, along side the physical ones, you're just going through the motions...and that can be completely destroyed, sometimes by something as small as a single solitary double cheeseburger. You can do this.
OK, uh...that was really long. But the message is vitally important for our success. Anyway---where were we?
I did take a nap---this time it was controlled! I bounced up this evening and headed to the YMCA for a round of upper body weight training and cardio. It felt so good to lift those weights and feel the burn of muscle failure. This is where they get the term “getting ripped,” I'm pretty sure. I did my circuit training on the machines and then found an available treadmill. I was so entranced in my music that I hardly noticed the Biggest Loser on the TV or all of the people working out around me. It was packed, I know that, but I was in my own little world. It's that place where I close my eyes and envision victory in so many different ways.
I came home and enjoyed a late supper, some whole wheat spaghetti with all natural marinara, just a serving. Then it was a little TV, some phone calls to friends and family, and not long after—I was dropping in bed.
My mom told me about her mile walk and her perfect calorie budget today. I'm so happy for her. Finally, after years of struggling, she's understanding the very real simplicity of this road. It doesn't have to be a struggle anymore. It really doesn't!
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
That Picture Is Almost Too Much and Don't Be One That Doesn't Make It--Revisited
Oh my---that before picture from yesterday was almost too much. What a horrible shot. Jack Sh*t cracked me up with his comment: “I'm afraid of that "before" pic. Pls keep it away from me...” I'm afraid of it too Jack! I found it and immediately cringed, which means it had to go on the blog. Any before shot with a “cringe factor,” is immediately uploaded around here. And really, they all make me cringe to a certain degree. But that before shot---oh my, that really bothered me. I looked sick. I was so lost.
I hopped up this morning and greeted my Tuesday with a can-do attitude. I had a good breakfast (I always make sure of that), a good morning show, and an afternoon dentist visit. I had consumed 700 calories going into my 2pm dentist visit. I had planned on having a little more by then because I wasn't sure how much I'd feel like eating afterward.
I want to give a very special thank you to Dr. and Nancy Tyndall and their incredible staff at Tyndall Family Dentistry in Ponca City, Oklahoma. They've really taken good care of me over the last year or so. In the spirit of, “you took care of your body, now let us take care of your smile,” they've given me so much. Many of these things because, in Nancy Tyndall's words, “you've been such a huge inspiration to so many around here.” I almost don't know what to say---what an amazing bunch of people over there. Thank you! And when you see me smiling proudly in my “in-progress” pictures posted on this blog, or at a weight loss seminar, or any other future outlet---now you'll know the story behind the smile. And if you've read every single day, then you'll know the whole story! ;)
After the dentist today, I ran into Wal-Mart for a few items. I grabbed some cottage cheese and a few necessities (mushrooms and eggs)---then I hurried home and devoured the entire container of cottage cheese. It was a small container, but still 330 calories---it was soft and good, and my mouth was sore! I love cottage cheese, I do...almost too much. I don't keep the larger size containers around because I guess I don't trust myself. I can remember too many times in the past when an entire large carton of cottage cheese---complete with crackers, would be devoured in one sitting by yours truly. Buying the smaller containers---with 330 calories total in the whole thing, is like damage control. I know I'm strong enough to handle the larger carton, but some things---some foods are symbols of my past failed attempts and I limit them automatically.
Cottage cheese is limited, along with ice cream, peanut butter, potato chips, and nuts of any kind. Oh, and trail mix, extra sharp cheddar cheese, snack crackers, granola bars, and dips (except salsa—I can eat that all day long). I'll still enjoy these foods from time to time, but I don't keep them stocked around the house. I know what foods make me weak, and I naturally avoid having large amounts readily available. Small amounts? That's fine—large amounts? Not so much! Why would I want to make this journey harder than it needs to be? I'm all about keeping it simple. Knowing my trigger foods and controlling my exposure to those foods has been a relatively quiet, but key component to my success.
I went back into the archives and read Day 169 today. It was titled “Don't Be One That Doesn't Make It.” It was the start of the “Lose To Win” seminars, and over 700 people in this town of 25,000 signed up to lose weight. The program here had an astonishing retention rate of nearly 75%, compared to less than 25% in other parts of the United States. Still, one in four who signed up didn't make it for the many reasons we're all familiar. The other three out of four lost a combined nearly 5000 pounds in two short months. Some lost a bunch, some a little---it all added up to the most successful “Lose To Win” program in the history of the eighty hospital CHS medical group. Here's an excerpt from exactly one year and over 120 pounds ago:
Some of the things that kept me going: My motivating thoughts were key in the beginning, they're still key everyday. I constantly thought about the importance of what I was doing. To me, at over 500 pounds, it was a life or early death decision. Maybe it isn't that dramatic for you, perhaps you need to lose 20 to 30 pounds. Even with smaller amounts, you have to make the importance level and the motivation almost over-dramatic. If you don't, it's too easy to say “Oh well, it's not that big of a deal.” You need to make it a big deal. Since I decided that I would change my entire outlook and approach to food, I knew there was nothing that I couldn't have if I wanted it, as long as it fit in my calorie budget for that day. This dynamic made it impossible for me to feel deprived. If I didn't have enough calories to enjoy that chili dog today, perhaps I can work it in tomorrow. If I really wanted a candy bar, or some kind of chocolate, then I could eat it, as long as the calories were added to that days total. Using my calories “like cash” forces me to think about my choices. Everyday I get 1,500 brand new calories to spend. I have to make good “calorie value” choices throughout the day to make sure my allotment for that day is enough to tuck me in at night without wanting of any kind.
This approach was a revolutionary change for me from past attempts at losing weight. I was talking to Brandon, one of my teammates for this challenge, during our team meeting tonight. He describes eating habits exactly like I had for so many years. He mentioned how no matter how good he was on track, he was always just one double cheeseburger or stressful day away from wrecking the whole thing. Just one. I was like that too! One taste of what I was missing, or the slightest hint of stress and bam! It would be like a shark tasting blood in the water, I would immediately be done, no matter the progress I'd worked so hard to achieve, I was eating everything in sight after a taste of my old cravings, ways, and emotional habits.
This dysfunctional pattern is what wrecked my impressive run in 2004 when I lost 115 pounds. Maybe you've read about it in the early archives of this blog. We had lost well over 200 pounds as a family, I had lost 115 before we decided on a little “before school starts” vacation to Kansas City. On the way out of town we discussed our strategy on vacation eating. Our strategy? Oh, uh, well....we didn't really have one. We all agreed that calorie counting and watching what we were eating was not going to be a part of our trip. That entire trip we ate whatever, whenever, and how much ever we wanted without regard to calories or the potential effects on our amazing progress. When the week was over, we never could find our “plan.” I think we left it somewhere between the concession stands at Kaufman (Royals) Stadium and the endless, hot, breakfast buffet at our hotel. Wherever we lost it, it was gone. Actually, I think it blew out of the window of our vehicle a few miles from home, somewhere along Highway 60, before we ever even reached I-35.
And quickly, without exercise and portion control, the weight we had worked so hard to lose came back, and then some. You see, we weren't learning along the way. We didn't realize how important it was to really change the way we look at portions and food choices. All we were doing back then was what we knew would make us lose weight: We were eating less and exercising, but doing it without changing our minds and bad food habits. We were just suppressing those excessive bad habits long enough to achieve short term results. I don't know about you, but for me, I never want to see 400 pounds again, and 500? Forget it, never my friend, never, ever again will I abuse myself like that. That's why it's paramount to your long term success to really take advantage of the information and resources made available during this program. Don't just go through the motions needed for a temporary change, get into your brain, and re-program the way you approach food choices and portions.
Read the information provided in the “Lose To Win” folder, make attending the seminars vitally important, and while you're there, listen like you're getting all the correct answers to the most important exam of your life. Develop and hold tight to your “motivating thoughts.” Is it “I want to lose 20 pounds so I can fit into my skinny jeans?” or maybe “I want to lower my blood pressure and dramatically improve my cholesterol and overall health,” or maybe you're like me... “I want to live long enough to grow old,” “I want to influence my future grandkids,” “I want to dramatically improve my marriage,” “I want to be able to enjoy life.” “I just want to be alive.” I know it sounds dramatic, but dog-gone-it, it is! And no matter the level of your motivating thoughts, they all have equal importance. Make them your passion. Embrace them at the risk of eye rolls from your friends and associates. Make this the most important thing you've ever done in life, no matter if it's 20 pounds or two hundred pounds.
If you do that, and you embrace your motivators, and you realize that these mental exercises are just as important as the physical, then I guess I'll be seeing you at the “Lose To Win” awards ceremony in May. As a winner or just another participant cheering you to the podium, I'll be there...You can count on that. Remember, until you commit to the mental workouts that keep you from tripping, along side the physical ones, you're just going through the motions...and that can be completely destroyed, sometimes by something as small as a single solitary double cheeseburger. You can do this.
OK, uh...that was really long. But the message is vitally important for our success. Anyway---where were we?
I did take a nap---this time it was controlled! I bounced up this evening and headed to the YMCA for a round of upper body weight training and cardio. It felt so good to lift those weights and feel the burn of muscle failure. This is where they get the term “getting ripped,” I'm pretty sure. I did my circuit training on the machines and then found an available treadmill. I was so entranced in my music that I hardly noticed the Biggest Loser on the TV or all of the people working out around me. It was packed, I know that, but I was in my own little world. It's that place where I close my eyes and envision victory in so many different ways.
I came home and enjoyed a late supper, some whole wheat spaghetti with all natural marinara, just a serving. Then it was a little TV, some phone calls to friends and family, and not long after—I was dropping in bed.
My mom told me about her mile walk and her perfect calorie budget today. I'm so happy for her. Finally, after years of struggling, she's understanding the very real simplicity of this road. It doesn't have to be a struggle anymore. It really doesn't!
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Day 533 Someday, Just Not Today, The Diet Buddy Girls, and Dinner With Courtney
Day 533
Someday, Just Not Today, The Diet Buddy Girls, and Dinner With Courtney
Every morning when I jump out of bed, I have a choice. I can choose to make this a great day or I can choose otherwise. Making the right choice is so much easier when you’re feeling good about what you’re doing and where you’re headed. And these changes, I’m talking about food here, these changes scared me before. The word “change” threatened my comfort zone of indulgence. And really, there wasn’t anything comfortable about it. I was miserable, but it was my misery, all I had ever known. My addiction to food clouded my judgment, held me back, and completely ruled my life. If I ever started feeling guilty or down about my eating habits, I’d quickly rush in with the thought, oh---someday I’ll get busy and do something about this weight and food addiction problem…someday, just not today.
That someday came 533 days ago. And now I realize that the changes I needed didn’t threaten me at all. They enhanced me. My attitude and approach of “nothing is off limits” within my calorie budget---totally disarmed any threat that might have existed in my mind. And here we are…wow. The choices have gradually and naturally improved, and I’m now flirting with a goal that seemed forever out of reach my entire life---up until 533 days ago. This is nice. I like these changes.
This morning I prepared a fresh egg white omelet with two kinds of cheese and mushrooms. I used a ½ ounce each of mozzarella and swiss. I put it on very low heat and let it cook itself while I did my morning non-weighted strength training exercises. By the time I finished---the coffee was hot and ready and my omelet was ready to be cheesed and folded. A good breakfast is critical---and I never miss it, even if I’m running behind. I’ll grab something, anything---and take it with me if I oversleep. Missing breakfast just isn’t an option.
I received a wonderful e-mail from Tina in Germany…Tina writes:
“Hi Sean! You don't know us but we LOVE you!!! We started a new challenge and blog based on your post yesterday. Please check us out!!!! Jana & Tina --Diet Buddy Girls.”
I’m flattered, thank you. I had to check this out. Yesterday’s blog inspired this? (giant smile on my face) I made my way over to their site and found a very positive experience. Jana (from the Czech Republic) and Tina (from Germany) have teamed up and decided that the next 365 days will be a gift to themselves. They’re going to focus on their individual issues and conquer them. They are going to do it with consistency and an importance level that will insure their success, and they’re going to blog about it every step of the way as they support one another and ultimately---inspire countless others. 365 days of focus---365 days to do the things you know you need to do for you. Those 365 days will positively impact the rest of your days on earth. And Jana and Tina---“The Diet Buddy Girls” know this is true. I hope you’ll visit their blog and wish them well. This is their Day 1. How exciting is that? Very! You can find them at www.dietbuddygirls.blogspot.com
What an honor…I can’t really describe how wonderful a response like that makes me feel. It’s truly indescribable. It makes me so happy and so proud—and it fills me with a sense of purpose and responsibility. On my Day 1, I might have thought sharing this journey out of morbid obesity would be a positive thing for my life, but I had no idea how it would change me on such a deep level. I’m so lucky. And please, never underestimate my gratitude and thankfulness for your support. Talk about a gift…oh my, the greatest gift I’ve ever received…is your support. Thank you.
I arrived home late afternoon and decided that a refresher nap was just the thing I needed! That’s right…a refresher nap. An hour, tops. How many times do I need to do this in order to learn? I need to pay someone to physically come into my apartment and shake me awake. I completely wrecked my plan of getting into the YMCA for weight machines and cardio. I slept for well over two hours, nearly three…and by that time—Courtney was coming through the door ready to spend dinner and the evening with dear old dad. Now what? Well—I decided immediately…a good workout was happening. It could have been easy at the YMCA---and maybe I could have gone down stairs to the fitness room—but no. If I was going to completely wreck my workout plans, then I was going to pay the consequences. I decided right then and there---I was headed to the trail for a run…outside, in the cold. Don’t feel bad for me! I’ve walked in far colder conditions with ice pellets stinging my face. A cool 34 degree Fahrenheit walk/jog wasn’t going to kill me---and it didn’t. But more on that in a moment…
I told Courtney we were having pizza for dinner. Her question? “What kind of pizza dad?” I knew that she knew what was coming… “We’re having chicken breast, mushroom, and cheese pita pizzas!” Her response was less than excited. “Uh…I don’t really like those things.” Hmmm. I’m thinking what’s not to love? I reasoned with her. “But sweety---the calorie value is just amazing—I’ll make them really good, I’ll get them nice and crispy---you’ll love ‘em, I promise!” She agreed and off to the kitchen I marched.
By using only a ½ ounce of mozzarella and half a small chicken breast on each pita, plus the mushrooms and tomato sauce---one of these checked in at only 150 calories. So I made us two each. 300 calories and the mini slices filled an entire plate! The picture is below. Check that out my friend! Courtney took a few bites and declared “these are really good dad, thank you!” Nice, very nice.
After dinner, Courtney read her history lesson aloud and had me help with a few questions that were giving her issues. She finished up the work and headed to bed. I wasn’t ready for bed. I had some exercise to do. I laced up and hit the trail. It was cold, but like I said before---I’ve exercised in colder weather. I bundled up in some of my old clothes, some so big, I can now use them as blankets, and I smiled all the way around that walking/running trail. I smile all the time these days…I really do. I can’t help it! It feels so good, even at 34 degrees F.
I found another “lost” before picture. Oh my---this is one of the worst as far as I’m concerned. But considering the contrast of this transformation---I guess it’s actually one of the best. It’s posted below. Along with another shot snapped tonight for comparison.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
An entire plate of chicken and mushroom pita pizza—Only 300 calories! That’s an amazing calorie value if you ask me.
Oh my. What was I doing? Besides looking absolutely miserable? I guess I was puckering up for the camera. Not the most flattering shot. When I look into the eyes of “Old Sean,” I see a lot of pain and misery. Even the smiling before shots…it’s still there---behind the facade.
Tonight’s “in-progress” picture.
Someday, Just Not Today, The Diet Buddy Girls, and Dinner With Courtney
Every morning when I jump out of bed, I have a choice. I can choose to make this a great day or I can choose otherwise. Making the right choice is so much easier when you’re feeling good about what you’re doing and where you’re headed. And these changes, I’m talking about food here, these changes scared me before. The word “change” threatened my comfort zone of indulgence. And really, there wasn’t anything comfortable about it. I was miserable, but it was my misery, all I had ever known. My addiction to food clouded my judgment, held me back, and completely ruled my life. If I ever started feeling guilty or down about my eating habits, I’d quickly rush in with the thought, oh---someday I’ll get busy and do something about this weight and food addiction problem…someday, just not today.
That someday came 533 days ago. And now I realize that the changes I needed didn’t threaten me at all. They enhanced me. My attitude and approach of “nothing is off limits” within my calorie budget---totally disarmed any threat that might have existed in my mind. And here we are…wow. The choices have gradually and naturally improved, and I’m now flirting with a goal that seemed forever out of reach my entire life---up until 533 days ago. This is nice. I like these changes.
This morning I prepared a fresh egg white omelet with two kinds of cheese and mushrooms. I used a ½ ounce each of mozzarella and swiss. I put it on very low heat and let it cook itself while I did my morning non-weighted strength training exercises. By the time I finished---the coffee was hot and ready and my omelet was ready to be cheesed and folded. A good breakfast is critical---and I never miss it, even if I’m running behind. I’ll grab something, anything---and take it with me if I oversleep. Missing breakfast just isn’t an option.
I received a wonderful e-mail from Tina in Germany…Tina writes:
“Hi Sean! You don't know us but we LOVE you!!! We started a new challenge and blog based on your post yesterday. Please check us out!!!! Jana & Tina --Diet Buddy Girls.”
I’m flattered, thank you. I had to check this out. Yesterday’s blog inspired this? (giant smile on my face) I made my way over to their site and found a very positive experience. Jana (from the Czech Republic) and Tina (from Germany) have teamed up and decided that the next 365 days will be a gift to themselves. They’re going to focus on their individual issues and conquer them. They are going to do it with consistency and an importance level that will insure their success, and they’re going to blog about it every step of the way as they support one another and ultimately---inspire countless others. 365 days of focus---365 days to do the things you know you need to do for you. Those 365 days will positively impact the rest of your days on earth. And Jana and Tina---“The Diet Buddy Girls” know this is true. I hope you’ll visit their blog and wish them well. This is their Day 1. How exciting is that? Very! You can find them at www.dietbuddygirls.blogspot.com
What an honor…I can’t really describe how wonderful a response like that makes me feel. It’s truly indescribable. It makes me so happy and so proud—and it fills me with a sense of purpose and responsibility. On my Day 1, I might have thought sharing this journey out of morbid obesity would be a positive thing for my life, but I had no idea how it would change me on such a deep level. I’m so lucky. And please, never underestimate my gratitude and thankfulness for your support. Talk about a gift…oh my, the greatest gift I’ve ever received…is your support. Thank you.
I arrived home late afternoon and decided that a refresher nap was just the thing I needed! That’s right…a refresher nap. An hour, tops. How many times do I need to do this in order to learn? I need to pay someone to physically come into my apartment and shake me awake. I completely wrecked my plan of getting into the YMCA for weight machines and cardio. I slept for well over two hours, nearly three…and by that time—Courtney was coming through the door ready to spend dinner and the evening with dear old dad. Now what? Well—I decided immediately…a good workout was happening. It could have been easy at the YMCA---and maybe I could have gone down stairs to the fitness room—but no. If I was going to completely wreck my workout plans, then I was going to pay the consequences. I decided right then and there---I was headed to the trail for a run…outside, in the cold. Don’t feel bad for me! I’ve walked in far colder conditions with ice pellets stinging my face. A cool 34 degree Fahrenheit walk/jog wasn’t going to kill me---and it didn’t. But more on that in a moment…
I told Courtney we were having pizza for dinner. Her question? “What kind of pizza dad?” I knew that she knew what was coming… “We’re having chicken breast, mushroom, and cheese pita pizzas!” Her response was less than excited. “Uh…I don’t really like those things.” Hmmm. I’m thinking what’s not to love? I reasoned with her. “But sweety---the calorie value is just amazing—I’ll make them really good, I’ll get them nice and crispy---you’ll love ‘em, I promise!” She agreed and off to the kitchen I marched.
By using only a ½ ounce of mozzarella and half a small chicken breast on each pita, plus the mushrooms and tomato sauce---one of these checked in at only 150 calories. So I made us two each. 300 calories and the mini slices filled an entire plate! The picture is below. Check that out my friend! Courtney took a few bites and declared “these are really good dad, thank you!” Nice, very nice.
After dinner, Courtney read her history lesson aloud and had me help with a few questions that were giving her issues. She finished up the work and headed to bed. I wasn’t ready for bed. I had some exercise to do. I laced up and hit the trail. It was cold, but like I said before---I’ve exercised in colder weather. I bundled up in some of my old clothes, some so big, I can now use them as blankets, and I smiled all the way around that walking/running trail. I smile all the time these days…I really do. I can’t help it! It feels so good, even at 34 degrees F.
I found another “lost” before picture. Oh my---this is one of the worst as far as I’m concerned. But considering the contrast of this transformation---I guess it’s actually one of the best. It’s posted below. Along with another shot snapped tonight for comparison.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
An entire plate of chicken and mushroom pita pizza—Only 300 calories! That’s an amazing calorie value if you ask me.
Oh my. What was I doing? Besides looking absolutely miserable? I guess I was puckering up for the camera. Not the most flattering shot. When I look into the eyes of “Old Sean,” I see a lot of pain and misery. Even the smiling before shots…it’s still there---behind the facade.
Tonight’s “in-progress” picture.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day 532 Getting Close To Me and Second Chance Workout Works
Day 532
Getting Close To Me and Second Chance Workout Works
It wasn’t long after yesterday’s post that I noticed a wonderful comment from Irene. It was simple and sweet. She simply said: “I will always love you bud!!” We always called each other “buddy,” as in “my buddy,” remember the “My Buddy” dolls? Don’t make me start singing the song! Anyway…that was good to see, it was. I didn’t realize she still reads everyday, that’s good. Her and I have both moved forward, apart from each other, and we’re both feeling good about our decisions. But that love, although a little different, that love and caring for one another will never go away. We’ll look out for each other for the rest of our lives.
I have kept quiet over the last couple of months or so about our personal divorce pending status, because really---I had to draw the line on sharing everything. I crossed that line a couple of times back then---and in the aftermath of those post, decided not to get that personal again. It’s just not appropriate, and often times can be reckless and hurtful. This is a weight loss blog pure and simple. But as new readers come, so do the occasional questions in e-mail. A recent e-mail question:
So are you and Ann aka “Pretty Woman” dating?
I guess I deserved that considering we did spend four days together recently, that’s no secret. I could and probably should just ignore non-weight loss related questions. But dog gone it…I understand that the personal and open story that has unfolded in these writings over the last 532 days, lends itself to curiosity concerning these things. So I’ll address this quickly, then we’ll move on to weight loss related stuff:
Ann and I are friends and will probably be friends for a very long time. I’ve dated others recently, and so has she. I can’t speak for her, but I know that I’m not ready to go from a twenty-year marriage into another committed relationship before the first one is even legally over. Ann and I have much in common as far as weight loss and how this transformation can affect us psychologically. We understand each other very well. But, dating from 1600 miles apart? No. Good supportive friends along this road? Absolutely.
You know whom I’m really getting close to right now? Me. And honestly, that’s the way it should be. I have many wonderful goals and dreams to see to fruition. An occasional night out with someone is fine and harmless, but seriously---my attention must be focused on my journey. I’m too easily distracted otherwise. I recently told a love-sick relative, whom I love dearly—one who struggles horribly with morbid obesity, that the best thing she could do for herself right now was to forget about romantic relationships and give herself a solid 365 days of attention. 365 days can change your life forever---I told her. Give yourself that gift…put the focus on you and watch what happens. Give yourself 365 days. I lost 212 pounds in 365 days and gained insight over the course of that year that will help me be healthy the rest of my life. My life will never be the same. So I’m taking and applying that advice to my own situation. Time can heal, but only if you stop scratching the scab.
I jumped out of bed so late today; I skipped straight to lunch and a mushroom pita pizza with a banana on the side. I sat down to write Saturday’s post and then headed to the workout room. I wasn’t in it. I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Maybe it was the emotional draining of my Saturday post---I don’t know. I quickly returned to my recliner and pondered my situation. After a little break and some reflection, I decided to head back down and focus a little stronger. It was good. I did get it together and I did complete a nice 5K and some non-weighted strength training exercises. I also did some stretching, which is very important, and something I haven’t been very good at doing. I need to stretch! Oh my, do I ever. I’m super careful too, probably too careful really. I feel like if I stretch too much---something might snap. We don’t want that.
I enjoyed a good omelet tonight for dinner, yes---breakfast for supper! I really should start ordering mushrooms in bulk. I love mushrooms, fresh only---no canned or jar mushrooms. The mushroom and swiss omelet tonight was big and hearty. Even with the whole eggs and the 110 calories of swiss, it still checked in at only 330 calories. I grilled a chicken breast a little later, sliced it up---and wrapped it up in a 60 calorie pita. I was eating really well today. I grabbed another banana right before bed. When I get a craving for something sweet, the banana usually handles the situation. My other option would have been ok too---some steel cut oatmeal with a teaspoon of brown sugar and cinnamon.
Tomorrow I'm training on the machines at the YMCA and getting on the treadmill for some after lifting cardio. I’m looking forward to that workout!
Thank you for friending me on facebook! I’ve had several new friend request---and look for more…so if you haven’t already, send it my way! Just search for me with my e-mail address: seanboy105@hotmail.com Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Getting Close To Me and Second Chance Workout Works
It wasn’t long after yesterday’s post that I noticed a wonderful comment from Irene. It was simple and sweet. She simply said: “I will always love you bud!!” We always called each other “buddy,” as in “my buddy,” remember the “My Buddy” dolls? Don’t make me start singing the song! Anyway…that was good to see, it was. I didn’t realize she still reads everyday, that’s good. Her and I have both moved forward, apart from each other, and we’re both feeling good about our decisions. But that love, although a little different, that love and caring for one another will never go away. We’ll look out for each other for the rest of our lives.
I have kept quiet over the last couple of months or so about our personal divorce pending status, because really---I had to draw the line on sharing everything. I crossed that line a couple of times back then---and in the aftermath of those post, decided not to get that personal again. It’s just not appropriate, and often times can be reckless and hurtful. This is a weight loss blog pure and simple. But as new readers come, so do the occasional questions in e-mail. A recent e-mail question:
So are you and Ann aka “Pretty Woman” dating?
I guess I deserved that considering we did spend four days together recently, that’s no secret. I could and probably should just ignore non-weight loss related questions. But dog gone it…I understand that the personal and open story that has unfolded in these writings over the last 532 days, lends itself to curiosity concerning these things. So I’ll address this quickly, then we’ll move on to weight loss related stuff:
Ann and I are friends and will probably be friends for a very long time. I’ve dated others recently, and so has she. I can’t speak for her, but I know that I’m not ready to go from a twenty-year marriage into another committed relationship before the first one is even legally over. Ann and I have much in common as far as weight loss and how this transformation can affect us psychologically. We understand each other very well. But, dating from 1600 miles apart? No. Good supportive friends along this road? Absolutely.
You know whom I’m really getting close to right now? Me. And honestly, that’s the way it should be. I have many wonderful goals and dreams to see to fruition. An occasional night out with someone is fine and harmless, but seriously---my attention must be focused on my journey. I’m too easily distracted otherwise. I recently told a love-sick relative, whom I love dearly—one who struggles horribly with morbid obesity, that the best thing she could do for herself right now was to forget about romantic relationships and give herself a solid 365 days of attention. 365 days can change your life forever---I told her. Give yourself that gift…put the focus on you and watch what happens. Give yourself 365 days. I lost 212 pounds in 365 days and gained insight over the course of that year that will help me be healthy the rest of my life. My life will never be the same. So I’m taking and applying that advice to my own situation. Time can heal, but only if you stop scratching the scab.
I jumped out of bed so late today; I skipped straight to lunch and a mushroom pita pizza with a banana on the side. I sat down to write Saturday’s post and then headed to the workout room. I wasn’t in it. I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Maybe it was the emotional draining of my Saturday post---I don’t know. I quickly returned to my recliner and pondered my situation. After a little break and some reflection, I decided to head back down and focus a little stronger. It was good. I did get it together and I did complete a nice 5K and some non-weighted strength training exercises. I also did some stretching, which is very important, and something I haven’t been very good at doing. I need to stretch! Oh my, do I ever. I’m super careful too, probably too careful really. I feel like if I stretch too much---something might snap. We don’t want that.
I enjoyed a good omelet tonight for dinner, yes---breakfast for supper! I really should start ordering mushrooms in bulk. I love mushrooms, fresh only---no canned or jar mushrooms. The mushroom and swiss omelet tonight was big and hearty. Even with the whole eggs and the 110 calories of swiss, it still checked in at only 330 calories. I grilled a chicken breast a little later, sliced it up---and wrapped it up in a 60 calorie pita. I was eating really well today. I grabbed another banana right before bed. When I get a craving for something sweet, the banana usually handles the situation. My other option would have been ok too---some steel cut oatmeal with a teaspoon of brown sugar and cinnamon.
Tomorrow I'm training on the machines at the YMCA and getting on the treadmill for some after lifting cardio. I’m looking forward to that workout!
Thank you for friending me on facebook! I’ve had several new friend request---and look for more…so if you haven’t already, send it my way! Just search for me with my e-mail address: seanboy105@hotmail.com Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
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