Day 551 Where's My SCZ? and Retreating To Dreamland

Day 551

Where's My SCZ? and Retreating To Dreamland

Sometimes it's a good idea to pause long enough to reflect on all of the good instead of focusing on a small amount of the bad. I spent a good part of today stressing out over temporary problems. It completely affected my mood and did it's very best to tackle my resolve. The things I've conquered in the last 551 days have been monumental and nothing short of life changing, so why would I let relatively small, temporary circumstances cast clouds of depression over my day? I'm a winner. I'm winning. Even the grandest of champions have a bad day every once in a while. I didn't achieve this clarity until tonight sometime, long after I spent the day in a cloudy funk.

I dealt with some serious food issues today. At one point, I even considered buying two deep fried corn dogs for a dollar at the local convenience store deli case. I tried hard to rationalize that choice. I was trying to come up with a decent guesstimate of calories and everything. I quickly and soundly defeated that crazy idea. I knew that I was being influenced by my emotions of the moment. I don't do deep fried corn dogs anymore, I just don't. Did I have the calories available? Yes. But I knew that my desire for those batter dipped and fried hot dogs had zero to do with calories, hunger, and nourishment, and everything to do with my stress level and emotions. I even thought about the extra calories for the ketchup. But plain yellow mustard is nearly calorie free--yeah but ketchup is what I want! I decided that giving into this impulse was something I just couldn't allow, so I drove right past the “two corn dogs for a dollar” sign. Still, I didn't get through this day unscathed.

I had a 110 calorie low-fat ice cream bar shortly after I arrived home. Then, I grabbed another. And another. I was abusing those things! The same ideas and thoughts I defeated about the corn dogs, I allowed with the ice cream bars. This meltdown was still within my calorie budget for the day, but it was still a meltdown. There is a difference now. And that difference is the ability to recognize and admit what I'm doing when I'm doing it. It doesn't make it right. Those 110 calorie ice cream bars are meant to be occasional calorie friendly treats, not mini-binge items.

When I opened the fridge again, looking for more food to make me feel better, I stopped myself. I decided I needed to go to sleep, just take a nap. I needed to remove myself from this situation. My calorie budget was still intact, but I had the crazy feeling and look that screamed to hell with it all! That feeling scares me to death. Doesn't this feeling know who I am? I'm Sean Anderson darn it! I've figured this stuff out! What the hell did I do with my steel curtain zone? I'm above this crap! Or am I? No, no...not even I am above this crap. I'd like to think so. I've convinced myself of it pretty good. But today proved to me that I'm not that far, as scary as it is to type these words, oh man...very tough and scary---Today proved that with some serious stress and a bad attitude---I can be derailed. I can be defeated. If I choose to be defeated. I had to retreat to dreamland.

I remember Day 60. It was a horrible day. And as I wrote this blog that night---I was constantly pestered by the thoughts of going on an out of control binge. I had to escape---and I knew that if I just made myself go to sleep, I might wake with a renewed attitude and resolve.
Here's an excerpt from Day 60 “Convincing Myself To Be Strong” written November 13th, 2008---actually, except for "goodnight and good choices," this is pretty much the entire post:

Sometimes it's easy to forget the very important reasons why I'm doing this. For me it's a desire to have a better life. I want to have a longer, healthier life. I want to feel freedom from obesity. I want to experience the things in life that being extremely overweight prohibits. I don't ever want to be scared about a little twinge in my chest, wondering if I'm about to have a heart attack. I want to be active with my family, do things that we've never done, because it wasn't what fat people do. I want to swim. I want to run. I want to free my family and my mind of worry over my weight. These are the reasons I must continue this mission faithfully, honestly, and with a determined spirit.

Today has been real tough. The toughest so far. I have somehow dodged every urge to cheat today. But I swear, it's taking every bit of will power I can muster. I've allowed a few different personal issues to weaken my resolve this evening. I feel defeated even though I'm not defeated. I'm having horrendous cravings right now that I can't satisfy. I honestly feel the best thing for me to do at this very moment is to go to bed and sleep. I need to renew my spirit with a good nights rest. Tomorrow will be a new and better day. It will find me stronger. My commitment to myself, my family, this mission, and this blog is too strong to give in to temporary frustrations and desires. But I'll tell ya, I really need Day 60 to be over now. I'm going to go sleep.

So here we are, nearly 500 days and over 200 pounds later---and we still had to employ this self-defense mechanism. And that's exactly it. It's self-defense. When all else fails, it's time to go nighty-night. When the steel curtain zone is drooping and the motivating thoughts are being over-run by the stressful situation of the moment, and I stress of the moment, that's when I must go to sleep. And I did for almost three hours.

I woke with the same issues over me, but with a different attitude. It's all about the attitude isn't it? I needed to exercise and I knew it. I needed to turn this day around. I headed to the trail and while I was there the winds shifted with a cold front barreling in on us. It was nearly 70 degrees today, but a blizzard is imminent tomorrow...this blast of cold wind in my face was just the start. It was enough for me to cut short my planned 5K, sending me back into the warmth of my apartment. And it was enough to remind me just how wonderful this journey has been.

As I walked, I looked over at the Hutchins Memorial Auditorium---and in my mind, I was back on Day 1. That building isn't that big around, but one revolution was all my 505 pound body could take that first night. I remember the fear that I would have a heart attack from my slow waddle around that building, but I knew I had to move, I had to do this now. I had to be free and this was the only way out. I took it slow, and I still do---and I've made it to a wonderful place on this road. I get emotional when I realize how far I've really traveled. And you know something? There isn't a temporary circumstance that can steal it away from me. Not happening.

I talked with mom tonight. I needed to hear her enthusiasm. I try to not let mom know when I'm having a hard time, because mom is a big worrier. But mom can sense things, I know she can. I kept the focus on her, trying to sneak my bad day around our conversation. She's recently claimed a three pound loss and she's thrilled! I'm so happy for her too. Her weight hasn't been this low since she was 50 years old, and she said “it's because of the walking!” And, I gently reminded her, it's also because of her commitment to her calorie budget. We talked about the blizzard coming and her response was very simple: “I guess I'll be walking indoors.” That's the kind of commitment that will get her to her “20 something” weight! We're talking pre-Seanboy weight---yeah, she's on her way my friend. She's really going to do it. And “it” is adding years to her life. I love that, and I love her dearly. Thank you mom for lifting my spirits tonight. You may not have realized just how much you helped me, but you did.

I enjoyed a can of soup tonight, loaded with 150 calories worth of crackers—it was good, hot, and filling. This day is over. Thank goodness. And thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Recent picture of Mom and Me


Mom and me--Before

Day 550 A Nice Simple Day and Dreams Of All Sizes

Day 550

A Nice Simple Day and Dreams Of All Sizes

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments and e-mails regarding the tattoo. Several have said that once you start, you just want more. Not me, no---this is all I need. “505” reminds me of everything. I could have had “good choices,” or something else important to me, but really, “505” says it all.

I started the day with scrambled eggs and salsa. I was mixing it up a bit! Amber joined me for breakfast and my radio show. She sounds really good on the air. We had a great time and surprisingly, Amber actually likes some of the songs I play. She’s growing up and her taste in music is becoming more diverse. It’s very cool to witness. I’m so proud of her!

After the show I took her back to the apartment so she could go back to bed. Our schedules are completely different! I grabbed a snack and returned to the studio.

It was a long day and by the time 5pm rolled around, I seriously had to have a nap. My plan was simple: Nap for an hour and jump up for my workout. Well, I napped a little longer than that. But I still got my workout in tonight. I visited the Y for the weight machines and then hit the trail for some cardio. I didn’t do a 10K, not even a 5K. I just did a nice two-mile walk/jog. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it got my heart rate up.

This transformation has been a dream come true on so many levels. Big dreams and little dreams---a bunch of them have been fulfilled, and many more are on the horizon. I try to stay focused on those dreams not yet realized, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do…and then moments like right now, it’s clear. I know where I’m headed. And I plan on arriving in grand style!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 549 Weigh Day and The Tattoo

Day 549

Weigh Day and The Tattoo

Weigh day has been a pleasure every two weeks. And even as it’s slowed dramatically over the last several months, we’re still headed in the right direction. A friend made the comment today “you shouldn’t have that much left to lose.” Actually, I do…and I could show you the pictures to prove it, but uh…yeah, no…I can’t. Not brave enough to show those “exposed” pictures just yet. Maybe someday when my fitness level is more defined, I’ll be able to let go and post them. I applaud the brave people that have posted “exposed” pictures on their blog, I just can’t do it yet. Trust me. It’s best for all of us that I wait, even though that kind of goes against the proud spirit of the “exposed” movement.

I don’t have a scale in my home. I just don’t. If I did, I might be tempted to jump on it everyday---and if you are a regular reader, then you know how I feel about weighing too often and the negative effects it can have on our brains. So I opt to weigh at the doctors office. The only problem with that arrangement? I can’t weigh first thing in the morning. I could change that though, I’ve thought about weighing at the YMCA at 5:30am every weigh day. That might be a good idea actually. I may do that!

Here’s a confession: I sometimes abuse my metabolism on weigh day, by eating just a bare minimum of calories before the weigh-in. I feel like, if I eat normally before I weigh---then I might be negatively affecting my results. Weighing early at the YMCA is the solution to that craziness. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of doing that before now. Hmmm. It’s very strange for me to accept the idea that I can weigh anywhere now. There isn’t a scale that I can’t use. So different from when I was entertaining the idea of weighing at the farmers co-op where they weigh hogs and truckloads of grain. Very different.

I was crossing my fingers and hoping to see 259 on the scale today. I envisioned it, I focused hard, I wished and hoped and wished some more. But no amount of wishing and re-weighing would make the scale go down another pound. Nope…only good workouts and choices can get me there, and it will. I weighed 260 today. That’s 3 more pounds down, and a total of 245 lost!

I can’t help asking myself what might happen if I put two solid weeks of super focused and serious workouts back to back to back? I bet the results would shock my britches off. Seriously, 3 more pounds is wonderful, that’s great---but you know I’m capable of more…and most importantly, I know I’m capable of more. As I walked back to the vehicle after my weigh-in, I had the crazy thought: Maybe if I go home and change out of these jeans and into some really light-weight wind pants and a super thin shirt, I bet the scale would show 259, heck for, maybe even 258! But no…I’m 260. And that’s a wonderful thing.

I’ve talked before about my desire to get a tattoo. I wanted a simple “505” somewhere on my body where I can see it as a reminder of how far I’ve come. The original plan was cool: Backwards and right over the heart, so in a mirror, it would look right to me. I decided that was too complicated. Give me a simple “505” on my upper left arm! That’ll do me just fine. Amber wanted one too, not “505,” but a crescent moon with stars on her upper right shoulder blade. She’s 20, an adult, ok! So we made our way to the tattoo place this evening.

We were both a little nervous. OK—honestly, we were scared horribly. I joked with Amber about walking out right before. I wasn’t really joking. She thought I was. But had she said “let’s go dad,” I would have bolted. I’m not a tattoo person. I never dreamed I’d ever get one either. But this one is special to me. It’s small, simple, and full of powerful emotions and meaning for me. Just a simple “505.” But the story behind that number, oh my…that story is all here in these 549 blog pages.

The tattoo artist was really good too. His name is Mike Springer and he works for Skinsations in Arkansas City, Kansas. Mike is an amazing artist. Our simple tattoos didn’t come close to challenging his artistic excellence. He was very cool and even expressed interest in reading this blog. When I explained the reason for “505,” his first question was “how? Tell me!” I shared the blog address and he shared his desire to lose weight too. It was nice. I hope he comes around these pages sometime.

We were faced with dinner out in Ark City while we waited for our tattoo times. We picked a very simple Mexican fast food place. We both agreed that we just couldn’t handle the big nationally known chain, so we decided on a small regional favorite instead. I enjoyed three small beef tacos. They were really good and not too greasy. I compared these tacos with other taco chain calorie counts and concluded that each taco had approximately 150 calories. We didn’t count on being there so long. We didn’t get out of the tattoo place until just after 10pm. Then we had to wait until midnight to take off the bandages and doctor the tats. It was too late to be up, considering that the alarm was set for 4am—with Amber joining me for my show Thursday morning. We are both going to need a nap tomorrow!

Thank you for reading. I guess there’s no turning back. I have ink now. I’m officially a bad *ss. I’m kidding. I’m so not a bad *ss. I’m just Sean. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean


Amber’s tattoo!


Getting the “505” ink.


Trying really hard to look tough. Can I stop flexing my poor little bicep already? It’s been through enough tonight! I like it! I guess I better, huh? I mean—it’s with me for life, that’s how these things work. We did have a good laugh when we heard a “Tattoo Regret” commercial for a local Laser Center…a commercial that I voiced, how funny. No regrets!

Day 548 Two Breakfasts and No More Ulcer Pain

Day 548

Two Breakfasts and No More Ulcer Pain

I’m going to buy a bike and a jump rope. Those were two of my earliest thoughts this morning. I’ve been talking about the bike for sometime. I had a jump rope at one time, but it’s one of the things that ended up in Irene’s stuff. No big deal…seven bucks and I’m back in the jump rope business. I have to set a time limit for the acquisition of these items, or I’ll just keep saying “I’m gonna get me one of those.” The bike—by the end of the month. The jump rope---by the end of the week. There…it’s decided.

You know tomorrow is weigh day again, and If I don’t like the numbers, I have no one to blame but me and my casual workout performances. What happened to finishing strong? And by finish, I mean---getting to where I want to be. If you’re a regular reader you must be nauseous from hearing about this by now. But seriously---No beating myself up. Just know---Sean is great on food and the mental understandings involved in overcoming his food addiction, but Sean is sometimes really lazy when it comes time to lace up and get after it! Sean needs to suck it up and get busy. And Sean needs to stop referring to himself in third person.

I enjoyed a two whole egg breakfast pita with a ½ ounce of swiss cheese. It was wonderful, filling, and 250 calories. I also enjoyed a banana---taking my morning food calories to 350. I was set and ready to cruise to mid-morning before enjoying some apple slices. And then a wonderful guest came bearing gifts! Kat Long was a special guest on my show this morning. She is with the Ponca City Development Authority and is promoting Census 2010. Kat is really into good wholesome foods. She brought me a jar of fresh raw milk, straight from the cow and a container of real butter. Real butter. Plus a wholesome homemade cookie and a special fresh fruit and avocado smoothie she made in her own kitchen. It was all really good stuff. I had already enjoyed breakfast, but today I would enjoy two breakfasts. I drank the smoothie and enjoyed the cookie with about a quarter cup of the milk. I had just enough to enjoy that amazingly fresh, straight-from-the-cow taste. It was absolutely incredible. I was doing my best at calculating the calories while asking Kat about the ingredients…I guessed too low. After readjusting the count, we agreed that I had consumed approximately 300 calories during my show. But it was good stuff. And the one thing I’ve learned about really good stuff is this: It typically has more calories.

It’s a trade, not a bad thing, just a trade. Better ingredients, nothing artificial, good for your body stuff---and you add a little more calories. Kat knows I’m interested in my ever-evolving good choices, she reads here everyday, and I sincerely appreciated her wonderful gifts! Thank you Kat!

I recently talked all about the mental aspects of losing weight. Today I read Day 183 and once again the mental aspects of this journey were front and center. From March 16th, 2009:

I'm feeling very upbeat these days. It seems no matter what is thrown my way, it doesn't shake my resolve to become what I desire and arrive exactly where I'm headed. That's a key difference between this journey and past attempts. In the past I would allow the slightest tilt of my “comfort zone” to throw me completely off track. It's a nice place to be. Basically, it's like I've finally figured out how to separate my emotions from my actions. I always permitted my emotions to completely control me. Turning to food for comfort was always the easiest thing. Often times, Ok, more like every time something didn't go like I wanted, or I had a bad day, or I was upset about anything at all...I'd use it as an excuse to cut loose and devour as much food as I could.

And it wasn't exclusive to negative emotions. When I would experience positive emotions, I'd celebrate, or enhance my good mood with plenty of food and couch time. This pattern of excess no matter the emotions is what led to my weight soaring to over 500 pounds. Reversing this life long pattern and instinct has been a real-life exercise in better understanding of my personal psychology. I look at food very differently now. Where before I could quit and go back to my old eating habits at the drop of a hat, I honestly don't think I could now. If you told me I had to eat a quarter gallon of Blue Bell, as crazy as this might sound coming from me, I seriously don't think I could make myself. I haven't “stuffed” myself in 183 days and you know what? I don't miss it and I haven't the slightest desire for it. I'm rarely hungry, if at all it's first thing in the morning. One thing I've noticed, I haven't had an ulcer attack at all in the last six months. Before, when I'd get stressed, I'd eat of course, and not just a little, a bunch. The combination of stress and being stuffed would occasionally cause me to be up most of the night with my stomach burning like fire and me throwing up until my throat was raked with stomach acid and I could barely talk, not good for someone who talks for a living. Needless to say, I missed many a morning show because of my ulcer attacks. I think it's strange I haven't had one since I started this journey, because there's still stress in my life, I've just cut out the excessive eating and now I actually exercise on purpose.

It's amazing what pain will make us promise ourselves. I can remember being in the middle of an attack with my mid section burning and my throat raw from throwing up, and my lips crusty from chugging Maalox, and saying out loud--- “this is it, I'm done, I'm losing this weight, I never want to feel this way again!” But then the pain would go away right along with my promise to change. The next day I'd act like it never happened. I'm sure my employer has noticed I haven't used as many sick days as I did before starting this journey.

Update: Make that 548 days without an ulcer attack! I fully understand that different people have different stomach ulcers, but for me---just eating reduced portions was enough to rid me of these painful episodes. The stress still exist in my life---now more than ever, but still---ulcer pain free. Joy!

Tomorrow is weigh day. I don’t know what I’ll find waiting for me on the scale, but whatever it is---I’ll be thrilled. I’ll tell you what I’d love to see… 259! Yeah---I’d give anything to finally be done with the 260’s. Oh wait---I have the power to give the effort in my workouts that can help get me there…so, uh…yeah. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. I’m going to use some of that fresh raw milk in my steel cut oats tomorrow morning, just a little bit…just enough.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 547 Let Me Enjoy This One and Negative Encouragement Revisited

Day 547

Let Me Enjoy This One and Negative Encouragement Revisited

Beware of the Ides of March! Whatever. It was fine. Today was great. I started my day early like so many before---with some non-weighted strength exercises, breakfast, and reading…and sometimes writing. It’s a nice start, a good foundation to what could be and should be a good day. I’m doing everything I can to make it that way.

Thank you to everyone for the kind comments about yesterday’s post. A few were wayyyy tooo kind. Really, Tom Cruise, OK---whatever! It’s funny you mention that, because Irene was the first to say that years ago, even at my heaviest, she could see some resemblance. It’s happened over and over again throughout the years. I once had a comedy club patron at Laffs in Tucson, Arizona, stop me after a show just to tell me that I looked like a “fat Tom Cruise.” I guess that was a compliment, kinda.

I remember rushing back to the room that night to tell Irene and the girls all about this strangers observation. I was giddy: “She said I looked like a fat Tom Cruise, can you believe that? You really think so? If only I could lose this weight---I wonder what I would look like in the face?” It was hope for my fat head and me. That’s how I looked at that, it was hope. After feeling like the fattest, ugliest person in every room or group I was in---I felt hope. Maybe if I lost this weight, I could be considered cute. I would dream about that…crazy huh? Or maybe it’s not crazy, it's just a normal fat guy dream. Tom and I do have the same style of connecting ears and maybe the same eye and nose shape---maybe. Our facial structure must be similar. Whatever. Irene read the blog posting and the Tom Cruise comment and then sent me a text that said “See, I always told you that you looked like Tom Cruise, I was the first.” Yes you were my buddy. Honestly, I don’t see it. I appreciate it. And mom, my dear momma---don’t worry---it’s far, far away from going to my head. That’s what mom said tonight…“don’t let that go to your head son.” Isn’t she amazing? I love my momma!

And I love my dear cousin Troy. I haven’t heard from him concerning the post…I hope once he reads the paragraph about our childhood, that he’s still gracious in his understanding. It’s cool to not be the heaviest person anymore. That’s all. I can’t help but smile over that fact.

I can remember thinking to myself: I’m the fattest person in this school. Or: I’m the fattest person in this store right now. Or at a big sporting event: I may be the fattest person in this entire stadium. I know, I know…horrible. And I started doing that to myself in grade school! It didn’t take much to figure out that I was the fattest kid in the school…then I would sit there and obsess over the thought.

So you know what? I’m enjoying not being that guy anymore. I don’t feel “gross” like that girl said to me in eighth grade when I expressed interest in her. I don’t feel like a freak anymore. I felt like one for too long. It messes with your head badly. So good for me that after a lifetime of feeling that way---I can feel good about how I look, confident in my appearance---maybe not total body confidence just yet---but we’re getting there, but seriously…I sometimes tear up when I’m all alone and I’m washing my hands---and I look up at myself in the mirror…and I like what I see for the first time in my life. I’ve never had that before.

I spent the evening with Amber tonight. We arrived home from dinner out at JW Cobbs with just enough calories left for a 110 calorie Blue Bunny Star Bar….or a banana or apple. I chose the Star Bar. It was a treat. It’s important to have occasional treats, and for 110 calories, I love the ice cream bar! We watched Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. We laughed a bunch. And caught some of the love lessons in the end too. It was a good movie and a nice time together.

I read the post from March 15th, 2009 and found a portion about “negative encouragement.” If you’ve been overweight for a long time, then surely you’ve been a victim of the sharp edged, well meaning barbs, and sometimes not so well meaning jabs from people around us:

One thing that doesn't motivate anyone is “negative encouragement.” Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? Negative encouragement is when a person uses negatives in hopes that they'll sting enough to make that person do something about their weight problem. “You're lazy,” “You'll never lose your weight,” “You're a slob,” these negatives do nothing to motivate, they just hurt peoples feelings and reinforce negative perceptions they may already have about themselves. These kind of negative comments can come from great people that really love the target of their remarks. They really do, they would love to see positive changes in the person they're firing these hurtful words toward, and if confronted about the negative comments and relentless negative out loud observations, they would no doubt be hurt themselves, because “hey, I love them, I just want them to do something about their obesity.” I've personally witnessed this kind of “encouragement” and since I have a tremendous amount of experience being morbidly obese, I can ensure you that it has absolutely zero positive value. It just doesn't serve a purpose, at all, not even a little bit. And again, the person dealing the remarks can be a very caring, smart, and loving individual, with nothing but positive hopes and dreams for the subject of their ridicule. Perhaps they've never been morbidly obese, they've never had a serious weight problem, so they don't fully understand the mental perplexities of obesity. If you're the one dealing the remarks, stop it! If you're the one receiving the remarks, don't believe them for one second! You can do this, you have the power within to dramatically change your life forever. Once you truly decide to make the changes, and you make it the most important thing you do, and you work on changing your mind about food, eating, and exercise habits, and you do it everyday with 100% consistency, then nothing can stop you from reaching your goal. Not stress, not emotions, not a single thing can get in your way. How do I know? Because I spent my entire life stuck in the prison of morbid obesity. After countless attempts to break free, I'm just now doing it everyday.

Thanks for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 546 Weighing Less Than Him and The Mental "Breakdown"

Day 546

Weighing Less Than Him and The Mental “Breakdown”

I talked to my cousin Troy yesterday. It had been a while since we had caught up with each other. Troy is getting transferred to South Carolina and I’ve lost a little weight, so we had some things to talk about. Troy grew up in Michigan, the son of my mom’s sister, and we only had a chance to see each other once a year as we grew up---every summer. Troy was always naturally slim. Every year before he would leave, I would tell him of my grand plans to lose massive amounts of weight before he would see me again, and then next summer would come around and I would be bigger than the year before. Troy never grew fat, he just grew tall, and although we were roughly the same height most of our childhood---something happened around 13 or 14, maybe it was 15---whenever it was, he shot up past me quickly. Troy is the only person in the family that makes my 6’3” look short. Troy is 6’ 7”. But it wasn’t his basketball playing height that I envied (no he didn’t play basketball in college—he gets asked that a lot); it was his ability to maintain a normal weight all of those years. Yesterday on the phone…I told him that I might weigh less than him now. He asked how much I weighed and I told him 263. And he said “Yes, you weigh less than me!” He wouldn’t say what he weighs, and I didn’t pry. I apologized for being so giddy about this revelation. It doesn’t seem right for me to weigh less than Troy. It seems very unnatural. But very cool…very cool indeed. Thank you Cousin for understanding my glee.

Sunday morning started out late once again. Instead of breakfast fare, I opted for lunch—leftover chicken and pasta from our Friday night meal. I spent a little while reading e-mails and writing Saturday’s post. Then I organized my thoughts and planned my day, what was left. I planned on doing a 10K before the weekend ended. And I wanted to do it with the girls, but they were both visiting momma tonight. It was just me. More on that in a moment.

An anonymous reader left this comment and question on yesterday’s blog:

Would you mind writing a bit more some time about the "mental exercises"? It seems logical that those would be something one includes everyday, like physical exercises, but I'm not at all sure how to get started with...pushups for the noggin'? Anything you can share about that aspect would be very appreciated!!!

The majority of this blog is all about the mental aspects of this journey. I invite you to go back and read from Day 1. Yes, it’s a lot of reading, but along the way you’ll get what I do and how I’ve done it. Some days really stand out for me… Day 327 is one of my favorites. It’s rather long, so I will not reprint it here---but you can go back and read that day. I’ve re-read it many times. Here’s the link: http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-327-emotion-ocean-and-mix-tape-of.html

Let me say this about the mental aspects: It all starts with an “iron clad decision” to change. You have to decide that this is it. You have to be completely honest with yourself about your behaviors with food. You have to gather your “motivating thoughts” and put up that “steel curtain zone” to defend the integrity of your mission. You have to set that “importance level” to life or death. It must be at the absolute highest setting. This is too important!! If it’s not set to the highest level possible, it becomes too easy to make excuses and rationalize bad choices. You have to decide right now, that no matter what happens---no matter the circumstances or stressful triggers---no matter what, you’re not compromising this journey.

Your time is now. And if you want this to be the last time, then you’ll invest the time in talking yourself through this process. Yes, I said talking yourself through. It’s what I do when I’m hit with an urge to binge---I calmly remind myself of all the wonderful benefits being free of morbid obesity allows. In the beginning, I would remind myself of how I wanted to simply be alive…and I knew that if I allowed even one meltdown, it could, and most likely would become the beginning of the end, the end being an early death. The importance level you set is paramount. And if you apply this critical importance level, no matter how much you have to lose, 30 or 300 pounds, it doesn’t matter---you will get there.

The “Steel Curtain Zone” is an imaginary barrier between my journey, my progress---and the rest of my life. Stressful situations, disappointments, celebrations, and anything else that may try to influence my commitment to this mission---they just bounce off the steel curtain. They can’t penetrate that zone. I couldn’t let life derail me any longer. But honestly---it wasn’t life doing anything. Life was just being life—sometimes stressful, often times trying…sometimes celebratory, and sometimes defeating. I had to admit that life really wasn’t derailing me…I was derailing me and using life as the excuse. See what 100% self-honesty does? It strips away our excuses to fail doesn’t it?

I guess it comes down to simple meditation. Getting alone with your thoughts and really digging deep into your brain to discover a strength you may not have known even existed. I spent so much time on the mental aspects, I didn’t have time to get fancy on the food and exercise part. I just kept that stuff simple. 1500 calories a day and some kind of exercise, walking at first. That’s it. And remember---I didn’t care how I reached 1500---again, I was keeping it very simple. I had to keep it simple, because I was so busy doing the mental gymnastics, I didn’t have time to worry about too much else. I needed the track to be the simplest it could be. And in that, I discovered what I feel is the big “secret” to weight loss. A slow, very natural evolution of “good choices.” No more rushing out and buying special foods or plans. No pills needed. We were just eating less of the stuff we normally would eat. As I budgeted that 1500 calories per day---I naturally started making better “calorie value” choices in an effort to stretch my allotment each day. Now I’m at a point where I’m starting to care about what I eat, not just how much. So the choices continue to improve, naturally, and best of all---effortlessly. This is where I am. I wasn’t here on Day 1 or even Day 201. It’s a process. And it’s worth everything to me. I feel incredible!

OK---I’m avoiding the 10K subject. Yeah---didn’t happen. I hit the trail and completed a very nice 5K. But I let myself off the hook on the 10K, citing my cold and congestion—and sneezing fits that were all over me. It wasn’t an excuse, rather—a circumstance. I made it a great 5K with lots of jogging and the rest power walking. I made sure I was sweating---although I rarely break a sweat the first mile. Isn’t that amazing? A mile back in the beginning was like death looming over me…and now a mile is the easiest thing.

I was excited to find a comment from Pam on yesterday's post. Pam was so ready to throw in the towel after losing nearly one hundred pounds. Different circumstances had made her feel like she couldn't continue her very successful and inspiring mission...So, I was thrilled to read this:

I love the fact that you are encouraging your cyber friends, just as you encouraged me last week. You are a special guy, and I hope you always remember that! (BWT, I ended up not giving up, I just needed a clean break and a fresh start, which meant a new blog!) Thanks again...your words did not fall on deaf ears ; )

Thanks Pam! If you get a chance, pop on over and check out her brand new blog. I'm so happy for her. Here's the link: www.restofthejourney.blogspot.com

What a wonderful ride so far. And we’re not even done! That’s exciting my friend. It’s very, very exciting to me. Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean


Irene, cousin Troy, Troy’s wife Stacy, and “Old” Sean---over 500 pounds


Another before picture that got my attention just now. Irene, Amber, and Me---all at our heaviest.


Recent “In-Progress.” Notice that Oklahoma State Pull-over? It’s the same one Irene is wearing in the above photo. It was hers. It’s mine now! ;)


My Girls. Amber 20, Courtney 16


Irene after she lost 140 pounds.

Day 545 Family and Friends and Keeping It Simple

Day 545

Family and Friends and Keeping It Simple

After hitting the pillow really early last night, I found myself wide awake at 6am---on a Saturday? Oh no---this isn't going to work! But that was it. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I started my Saturday by writing, reading, and cooking breakfast. It was good really. Amber was sleeping soundly by this time. It was just me, my coffee, a good breakfast, and the computer.

Joe at “Dropping The El Bees” www.droppingtheelbees.blogspot.com emailed me recently about a Trolley Run to benefit his daughters pre-school. Joe writes on his blog: This is the largest fundraiser that my daughter’s school, The Children Center for the Visually Impaired, does all year. This is a very important event for the school as it helps support the school and the wonderful services they provide for my daughter and all the children that attend. I’ve shared Bella’s story before, and CCVI has helped her grow tremendously in physical, mental, and emotional capacities. We will never be able to re-pay our debt to this organization so I am asking everyone that reads (all 15 of you) to consider running or jogging or walking alongside of us or donating a small or large amount to a great cause.

Joe, I'm happy to share this here! I can't guarantee I'll be able to make it to Kansas City on April 25th, but I hope it's the biggest turn-out ever! You have such a sweet angel in your daughter. As a father of two daughters, I can clearly recognize your wonderful love and closeness for her.
You can find Bella's donation page here: http://public.eventunited.com/kcsc/sabateseyecentersTrolleyrun2010/TeamFundraising.aspx?tid=4207

After a few hours this morning, I started feeling really tired again—and instead of fighting it, I decided to go back and sleep a little more. Hey, it's Saturday! I'm allowed, right? I did and it was good. Besides I wanted to be well rested for my outing with Amber.

I prepared a wonderful pita pizza lunch for the two of us before we made our way to the movies for Alice In Wonderland. The movie was fabulous! It was a great afternoon and a fabulous evening. I always enjoy spending time with my girls, it's always the best!

I've said it many times, how I'm so happy with Amber and how she's really grabbing control. And I have to say---I hear a new level of commitment in her voice. A new understanding, a new determination. It's wonderful to hear and see.

I found this from Day 180 exactly a year ago today:

It's so very important to keep things simple. So many times we try to make things difficult, we get intimidated, then we fail. If you've gone back and read from the beginning of this blog, you know I'm all about keeping it simple. Simple works. Counting calories, exercising, and mental exercises. That's my three tiered approach that has totally transformed the way I look at food. The most important being the mental exercises. Melissa Walden, fitness and life coach, talked on Tuesday about how you are what you think you are. And it's true. You can also do what you decide you can do. You can't do what you've decided you can't do. If you've decided you can, then strap in and get ready for a life changing journey! I sometimes think, if I would have known getting my head on straight and doing this could be so fulfilling, I would have done it years ago. Why didn't I? I guess I had convinced myself that it would be really tough. I also allowed any and all excuses and daily stress to derail me with the slightest of nudges. One of the biggest challenges I've overcome so far has been dealing with stress without running to food. It was a self-imposed tough love challenge, I'll tell ya. When I'm stressed, I always turned to food to make me feel good. Now I turn to my motivating thoughts. I turn to exercise. I turn my attention to positive things. If I'm feeling exceptionally weak, I just go and read some of the hundreds of comments that have been left on this blog over the course of the last 180 days. I find strength in your support. I find strength in my motivating thoughts. I know that giving in and turning to over-eating during stressful times and situations is not only counter-productive, it's compounding the problem. Two negatives don't make a positive. They just make an even bigger negative. But a negative countered with a positive, reduces the negative. If I'm stressed and I feel a hint of old desires and feelings, I crush them with a flood of motivating thoughts. Stress doesn't have a chance against my motivating thoughts, I guarantee that!

A blogging friend of mine could use some encouragement. She's known as “ChubbyChick” and you can find her blog at www.gottalose200pounds.blogspot.com She's always been a wonderful supporter of mine—and I know she can do this too. If you have the time, stop by and say hi to her.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 544 I Never Bothered To Ask and Becoming "Normal" In The Eyes of Strangers

Day 544

I Never Bothered To Ask and Becoming “Normal” In The Eyes of Strangers

I jumped out of bed right at the first alarm this morning! I was determined not to have a repeat of yesterday. It was 3:50am, and I could have grabbed another fifteen minutes—but really, the risk of over sleeping again was far greater a concern than the benefit of grabbing an extra quarter-hour. I made my way into the kitchen and started the coffee before getting some blood moving with my morning warm-up routine. It's not the most vigorous workout, but it's just a little something to make me feel good first thing. I read about some getting up and running several miles before their first cup of coffee, and wow—maybe that will be me someday, but right now...right now, today...I'm doing good!

I loved the feedback on the asparagus experience yesterday. The overwhelming consensus?: It's all in how you prepare the stuff! So true! I plan on giving asparagus another shot real soon. I'll be grilling. I want the kind of asparagus that Dawne described “like candy.” I like candy. I want some candy asparagus. I wonder if anyone has ever dipped it in chocolate and rolled it in nuts? OK—maybe I'm getting carried away, I don't think that's what Dawne meant...pardon me!

I enjoyed my coffee this morning and started writing yesterday's blog posting while I contemplated breakfast. I decided on a couple of scrambled whole eggs with mushrooms and salsa, wrapped in a flat-out flat bread. It was a big and hearty breakfast burrito for 230 calories. I grabbed some fruit and hit the road, ready for a busy Friday in radio land. And it was fairly busy. I had to leave early too, so that made me extra hurried to get things done. I had a friend to take to the airport in Wichita.

We stopped at a convenience store for a snack and something to drink on the way to the airport. I needed something, but this convenience store didn't have fresh fruit. They did have plenty of junk! But I don't want junk. I wanted something I could feel good about. I ended up grabbing a 140 calorie bowl of dry Cheerios and an 80 calorie white string cheese. I'm always asking myself is this choice going to make me feel good or bad? How does it fit in my calorie budget today? Do I need it or do I just want it? Simple questions that take just a second to answer, but are so vitally important to me now and so drastically different from “old” Sean.

I was the king of mindless eating. The “old” Sean would have grabbed a large bag of chips, some beef jerky, and a candy bar...along with a 32 ounce fountain drink of straight Coke. Yep---over 1000 calories on a one hour road trip snack—oh yeah, that was normal around here. The only questions I would ask myself back then were: Does it sound good and taste even better? Give it to me! Can I eat cheese nachos while driving? I swear---the day the convenience store down the road installed a hot cheese and chili dispenser---that day was beautiful man, beautiful! When I explore my old habits and behaviors, I quickly realize why it was so easy to become a 500 pound man---and how I was able to maintain that level of morbid obesity for so many years.

I overheard two people talking about me today. I perked up and listened closely. I couldn't hear everything, but what I did hear made me feel on top of the world. “He looks like a normal person.” Thank you kind stranger! That made my day. It's the pursuit of “normal” isn't it? I want to look normal, not fat. I want to eat normal, not with out of control gluttony. I want to be a normal guy. And here's a stranger, perhaps a listener---someone that remembers seeing me at my heaviest, making an honest observation and calling me normal. That's more beautiful to me than a hot cheese and chili machine any day of the week!

Everyday I read a post from exactly a year prior. Today I found this from Day 179, March 12th, 2009:

I feel like nothing is impossible. This over-joyed feeling is such a far cry from the desperate hopeless emotions of 505 pounds. I hope that you can see my sincerity in these words. After being overweight my entire life and never losing the weight permanently, I felt like I was destined to be fat forever, however short that forever may have been. I can see the possibilities now, I can feel the hope for the first time in a long time. I always was good at putting on a happy face no matter my weight. Someone said to me tonight that they'll miss that 505 pound guy they first met a year or so ago. But understand, that 505 pound guy was hurting very badly inside. That 505 pound guy was all smiles on the outside and all tears inside. While my values will always remain the same, and I'll always be me, a part of Sean that has never surfaced before is making it's way out. It's the Sean I always kept under wraps, opting instead for a much more insecure version, less confident, and full of self doubt. This new Sean is still the old Sean, just way more outgoing and confident. A much more fun Sean is emerging like a butterfly, But this really isn't anything new...It's me! It's the me I've always been inside, but was too insecure to let out. Finally my personality on the radio will more closely match up with my personality off the air. I've always said that I reveal way more of “the real me” on the radio. I do because you can't see me. The only thing I have to be confident about on the radio is my voice and ability to communicate, and that's never been a problem.

While I was driving home from Wichita, Amber was driving home from college for Spring break. I beat her to town just in time to do some grocery shopping and clean house a little. I put the last dish in the washer shortly before she arrived. I know I see her my kid way more often than some parents do with kids in college, but still---every reunion is met with tight hugs. I'm so proud of my girls. We visited a little bit, catching up on the last few weeks , then I started cooking dinner for the two of us.

I grilled a couple of chicken breast and prepared some whole wheat spaghetti and marinara. I topped the marinara laden pasta with the chicken, mushrooms, and some mozzarella---then baked it for twenty minutes. It was good and tasty, and fairly heavy at 530 calories a plate...but we both had the room in our calorie budget, it was all good. We had an ice cream bar for desert too! That's right, a Blue Bunny Star Bar is only 110 calories...and it's the perfect portion controlled ice cream indulgence. We were half way through dinner when I realized I didn't take a picture of the finished dish!! Oh well...next time.

After dinner and more visiting, Amber decided to make her way over to her mom's house and I decided to go to bed early. I was exhausted really. Three days in a row without a mid to late afternoon nap...Yeah, so---I was ready to crash! I did and it was so good. I plan on taking Amber with me to the YMCA this weekend, and if it warms up enough, I plan on hitting the trail for a 10K. It's been a while since we've done one of those! I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 543 Emergency Breakfast and First Time Asparagus Experience

Day 543

Emergency Breakfast and First Time Asparagus Experience

I slept sound last night. Too sound. I overslept horribly. It was a good thing I showered before bed! I must have really worked out harder than I realized with the stairs yesterday, because my body demanded and took the rest it needed. I didn't have time to fix coffee! I grabbed a banana on my way to the vehicle and a mad dash to the studio. I was hungry, horribly hungry, and a banana just wasn't going to be enough. So I quickly swung into a fast-food place for an order of plain scrambled eggs and a fruit and yogurt parfait—oh, and a coffee. I'm not mentioning the name of this place, but you already know. The mere mention of it disgust some, and I completely understand why---But--It was an emergency breakfast!

I really didn't have time to stop. But breakfast is just too important to me, and I made the best choices possible. I think I've finally 'trained' the early morning crew at this place. Usually they're out of the fruit and yogurt this early, telling me that the person who makes those doesn't arrive until 7am or so. Last time they told me this, I asked two pointed, yet polite questions. First---Does it really take a specially trained individual to put fruit and yogurt in a cup? And second---Am I the only early morning breakfast orderer in Ponca City that wants fruit and yogurt? They made them early today for some reason. Hmmm, maybe I made a good point...I really think they hate me there! The eggs and yogurt represented 300 calories to me, the banana—100, so 400 to start the day...that was good for my metabolism.

I knew from the start that today was going to be a really busy day. I stayed focused, made a plan of attack, and got everything done I needed to get done. Wait---except six sixty second commercials that start tomorrow on stations across the region. Oops! After a long day, I had no choice but to go back and get these finished...people were waiting on me....Oh the pressure! I finally left the studio shortly before 7pm. Uhhg!

Before I returned to the studio this evening, I enjoyed a nice dinner invitation from a friend who prepared a homemade shrimp linguine. The invitation included the question “Can you eat shrimp linguine?” My reply sometimes confuses people. “Oh, I can eat anything and everything.” Portion control is key here. I enjoyed a normal portion, nice and slow. It was amazing! And then I ate something I've never in my life tried. I ate asparagus. Well, I didn't want to be rude! You know me---I eat veggies, but a limited kind and limited amount. I've never been a huge fan of vegetables, And asparagus? I never thought I'd see the day it crossed my lips. I wish I could tell you that it was the most amazing first bite ever, and now I'm hooked on the stuff, but no. It was OK, and it looked great on the plate---but I'm still not a fan of these green little twigs. At least now I can say I tried it. Usually when I tell someone I don't like something, they ask “Have you ever tried it?” If I say no, then of course they start with the “then how do you know...?” routine. If I say I have tried it, then they'll go into “Well, you haven't tried it the way I fix it!” I'm really bad, like a little spoiled kid when it comes to food. I've never tried brussel sprouts, cauliflower, raw broccoli, or bean sprouts either. Never. And I'm not sure that will change. But maybe someday I'll turn into an adult and give some of these a shot. Nah, probably not.

It was a super long day with a workout just like yesterday. Stairs at the theatre...not bad a flight or two at a time, but over and over---that's a workout pure and simple. And it was a workout tonight. I hung out with friends until way late tonight. I dropped in bed shortly before midnight---making sure to set three alarms.

Amber is coming in tomorrow for spring break from school. I can't wait to see her!! We're going to have a blast! Alice In Wonderland in 3D is on the agenda this weekend, as is a trip to see the fam in Stillwater.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 542 I'm Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?

Day 542

I’m Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?

Thank you for all of the support after yesterday’s crazy post. I was just upset with myself and I was letting that anger flow through my mind and out onto the keyboard and screen. I was just expressing frustration. The truth of the matter is really simple: I’m doing great. I have been doing great. And I’ll continue to do great. This isn’t a “Biggest Loser Boot Camp,” its real life. And I’m finished beating myself up for what I perceive as lacking performance. I’m reaching my goals---and my workouts will improve dramatically. What I expressed yesterday wasn’t very nice to me. The e-mails of support were just amazing---and I haven’t had time to respond to all of them, but I will. And the comments---OK—most of the comments were wonderful.

The crazy comments concerning the tragic death of Corey Haim, well---let’s just say that I work with comedians around the studio…and nothing and no one is spared from their often-tasteless comedic wrath. But it did make me smile. So I give thanks to them as well. My mom was severely confused, calling me last night to make sure I was OK about the Haim situation. I love my momma!

Today I had the most exhausting and unconventional workout ever. I spent my workout time carrying boxes up stairs into the new offices of Team Radio. I lost count of the trips up and down. I was moving! And let me tell you something---It feels amazing to run up stairs carrying something heavy, get all the way to the top---and realize that I’m not out of breath. I mentioned to the owner, “I’d be dead if I still weighed over 500 pounds.” He replied: “If you still weighed over 500 pounds, I would have never asked for your help.” I didn’t realize just how good of a full body workout it was until I relaxed later. It was crazy tiredness. I was physically exhausted. BUT--I felt great! I needed that burst of endorphins today. It really helped change my attitude around dramatically. I’m overjoyed at the changes that I sometimes fail to recognize. I need to take stock of my success more often.

In reading my blog post from March 10th last year---I was reminded of how this blog has been a mix of emotions to write and experience. It made me laugh and then slammed me back down to a dramatic reality with the following post. But it’s all good! And I sincerely mean that. So before you read the following---and get into my head on what really kicked my mind in gear for this mission---I just wanted you to know: I’m feeling great now. Yeah, we're going through a divorce---and that sucks, but the sun is still shining. Everything is going to be splendid.

From Day 177 March 10th, 2009:

I made the mistake this evening of not wearing a belt to the YMCA for my treadmill workout. I spent the entire time pulling up my size 50's. They're just too big I tell ya! What a wonderful feeling to write those words about a size twelve sizes smaller than I had to wear 177 days ago. Every time I would pull 'em up, I'd feel like I was almost falling. My choice was simple: Risk falling by pulling up my pants or having my pants drop to my ankles in front of everyone. I think I would rather fall, because if I lost my pants they could get caught up in the belt moving at 4 mph. I could just see me laying on the floor in my underwear stuck to the machine because my pants have been sucked into the treadmill. I better make sure I wear a belt from now on. Oh the joys of losing weight!

It's amazing to me how hard it was to lose weight for all of those years. I knew, even at my largest, that losing weight would make me feel better than ever, but sometimes that's just not enough to get it going. Having a doctor tell me that I could die anytime and it wouldn't surprise her, still wasn't enough. If death isn't motivation enough to get busy, than what could possibly motivate me? It sounds crazy to say that I feared losing my family more than I feared death. But here's why: In my mind, dying was something tragic that happens to other people. Even though I believed the doctor when she said at over 500 pounds, it could easily happen to me too, I somehow was motivated more by the fear of my family falling apart. The mind is a complicated thing isn't it?

That's why it was so important for me to not only change my eating habits and activity, but I had to change my mind about food and exercise. I had to stop making excuses and thinking that I had all the time in the world to right the ship. I had to realize that at the rate I was going, I would have been making excuses and rationalizing bad choices right up until my dying day, all the while convinced I had time to get it right. The dangerously deceptive and optimistic thought of “I have plenty of time,” is exactly the thought that would allow me to remain out of control with food and lack of movement for all these years. My entire life I've been a procrastinator. Irene has recognized this for years. About my weight, she would ask me “you're going to wait until it's too late aren't you?” How could I have blamed her for not wanting to stick around to witness the very sad and tragic pattern that was slowly killing me?

She loves me too much to stand by and witness my slow and tragic suicide by gluttony, oh how she felt completely powerless to stop the inevitable outcome. I wish I could remember the exact words we shared on the night of September 13th, 2008. I thought we were happy and loving life until that night, or at least that's what I convinced myself we were doing. But there we were, in the guest room of my oldest daughters boyfriends parents house, just miles from Amber's college campus, having a conversation more powerful than all of the “death speeches” ever given me by doctors. My lovely wife, my high school sweetheart of nearly twenty years had reached her limit. She was reluctantly done. I say “reluctantly” because even at that moment, I knew she loved me deep. She loved me enough to leave me, in hopes that it would spark a life saving change in me. That's serious love my friend.

I remember thinking, “why here and now?” “What if they can hear us talking?” “Aren't we suppose to pretend to be perfect in front of other people?” “What are you doing Irene?” It was like she had zero control. She had reached her limit, and like a car out of fuel, she couldn't go another mile down this tragic dead end with me. My out of control obesity was like a senseless killing taking place right before her eyes, and she wanted no part of it. That was it.

So I started pleading and begging for one more chance to get it right. I remember trying to make her feel guilty by saying “So we have one off to college, but you don't want to stick it out and get the other one raised?” Then I stopped and realized that I was wrong. She wasn't crying mad/selfish tears, those were hurt/lovingly painful tears. At that very moment I had to accept 100% responsibility for the cliff my obesity had us hanging from. I must have given the best “I'll really do it this time” speech of my life, because it worked. The tears I cried while trying to talk her into giving me a 297th chance, were stinging far worse than any I cried on June 10th in the doctors office of doom and gloom. I meant every single word. I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew that I had to do it differently than any other attempt. I had to do it right. I had to truly make a lifestyle change that would last a lifetime, not just a temporary change with temporary results. The decision I made that night was iron clad. And I knew that I couldn't let any excuse or rationalization get in the way...the risk was just too great.

Yeah…well---there you have it. No seriously, I’m fine! Really…But I can’t help tearing up when I read that---I just can’t help it. I love my family and always will. I’m one of the luckiest men on the face of the earth despite the current circumstances. I really am---truly blessed…indeed.

I was so tired tonight---I collapsed and was out. I don’t remember setting my alarm or anything. That’s why this edition is being posted so late. I’m telling you, that workout today was incredible. And soon---our studios will be located in that historic theatre too, and I’ll have those stairs to use everyday. Oh…you can bet I’ll be using them, a lot.

By the way…I’m way behind in my blog reading, commenting, and e-mail replying. I’ve been absolutely swamped lately at work. I hope you understand. I’ll be around, you know that. I’m always here my friend.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean