July 10th, 2014 Go At Your Own Pace

July 10th, 2014 Go At Your Own Pace

I made it through the day without snacking in between meals. Not that, good/well planned snacks are a bad thing, they're not. I've bulked up my meals the past few days since I fell short the other day by more than 300 calories. I'm not a nutrition expert, not even close, but I've listened to enough of them to know I must feed my metabolism! Some say I should eat more than 1700 calories a day and I don't necessarily dispute their assessment, but I'll know when and if I'm ready to bump it up a little. For me, it'll come when I feel like I've raised the bar in the exercise department.

I mentioned yesterday about adding spinning classes to my exercise plan. I did many of these before, but not before hitting somewhere in the 280's, if I remember right. I recently had a conversation with one of the spin instructors at my local YMCA and he asked, "When will I see you back in my class?" I smiled and said "I've got some more weight to lose before I climb onto that seat again." To which he replied, "You can just do what you can in there at your own pace." And this was a light bulb moment for me. He's right. The seat might hurt for a few classes, sure, but my backside will strengthen up quickly and it'll not be an issue, just like it wasn't before. And why do I feel the need to stay on pace with the rest of the regulars in there?? This isn't a competition, after all. Besides, they're regulars! I was also a regular at one point, and what advice did I give to a friend trying it for the first time? "Hey, don't worry--just go at your own pace." It's high time I take the instructor's and my own advice and apply it to me. I'm really looking forward to the incredible workout I know it will provide.

I caught my reflection in a window today and it almost made me emotional in a good way. My reflection was noticeably smaller. Avoiding mirrors, reflections and pictures was a big part of the mental/emotional dynamics of the regain. As if not seeing it made it less than it was. If a family member took a picture of me at my heaviest regain point, I would go out of my way to ignore it--of course, not before reminding them to NOT post them on social media. Why? Embarrassment over the regain, of course! But I'm over that now and it feels incredibly liberating. I still request privacy and control over what pictures others share of me, but it's for different reasons. Since the epiphanies of May 15th, I'm no longer ashamed for being me. And that's bigger than any regain. I've discovered the ability to feel good about myself regardless of the reflection in the window. Still, it felt good to see a smaller me staring back today. Mainly, because it's confirmation that what I'm doing is working well. In the darkness of relapse and regain, the hopeless emotions become very deceiving, convincing us that perhaps returning to a healthy weight isn't possible; isn't an option. But it is possible and it isn't hopeless. It can certainly feel that way, but I'm living proof it isn't.

My food was really good today. Breakfast and lunch was fairly routine and I had planned to cook a nice dinner at home before a friend called asking if I could be a designated driver tonight. I drove and while he did what he was doing, I made my way to the Y for my workout, then I dined on his dime at a very nice restaurant. I'm super picky while eating out these days and for good reason. I found a nice sirloin, some asparagus and sweet potato fries. The server offered to bring bread and I replied: "Please don't, but thank you!" I also ordered the steak to be cooked without any added fat (usually butter), just a dry grill with dry seasonings. It was wonderful. The asparagus was obviously cooked with olive oil and much more than the small spray of olive oil I usually use at home. Instead of 25-35 calories worth of asparagus, it checked in at 112 calories. I will admit, it was the best asparagus I've tasted in a very long time. The sweet potato fries were fried instead of baked like I do at home, so I paired down the serving size until I was confident the 160 cal count I assigned was fairly close. It was a great meal and I feel good about my choices. "Would you like dessert tonight?" she offered. I didn't speak, I just smiled politely and lightly shook my head to indicate a pass. I'm finding incredible strength and pleasure in this new found resolve and control. It's a special kind of place where the feeling of accomplishment is desired more than the temporary high of whatever is on the dessert tray.

Today's meal tweets and a couple extra solely for the sake of amusement:

Big Pita Breakfast Sandwich! 2 whole eggs, 2 whites, slice of mozzarella on Jos. 60 cal pita, orange & apple. 434 cal pic.twitter.com/s7HoH6hWGp
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 10, 2014

Bean N Cheese Tostadas w/jalapeños & avocado, light sour cream (30g), cantaloupe (265g). 549 cal. pic.twitter.com/P8dHyc0lhy
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 10, 2014

DD'ing for friend. I drive, he buys. Sirloin (cut to 6oz-cooked w/out extra fat), asparagus, swt.pot fries. 588 cal. pic.twitter.com/ZVvsPfShXB
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 11, 2014

Interesting design on the plate when it arrived at the table. It looked like chocolate sauce. It wasn't. It was balsamic vinegar. Good deal.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 11, 2014

Interesting how my brain immediately goes to ChOcOlAte SuAcE!!! Instead of, oh, a high quality balsamic vinegar, nice. ;)
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 11, 2014

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean