July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

I really feel like I'm into a solid groove these days. I've found a balance. I've had more than 80 days without eating straight sugar, I've written eighty-four consecutive daily blog posts, I'm approaching 100 days binge free, I've exercised regularly and I'm eating better than I have in my entire life. I must pause occasionally and express incredible gratitude for this dramatic turnaround. I say a prayer every day that this balance maintains and everyday it feels like it's here forever. Yet, I know better than to ever settle or relax my stance with an attitude of "I got this."

I was in a very dark place with all of this not too long before and on more than one occasion entertained the thought that I should possibly just let it all go. The weight, my health, my hopes and dreams--all of it, just let it go. I gave it serious thought. Delete the blog, get off Facebook and convince Amazon and every other book seller to stop selling my book. I was losing the fight and about to throw in the towel...but I couldn't do it. I kept getting messages from people, some just discovering my book and/or blog--and the messages were overwhelmingly positive about how my story was helping them with theirs. When an in-patient food addiction treatment center replied to my inquiry about rates and a possible stay, I grew even more depressed. It was going to cost $14,000 for a 30 day stay. I couldn't afford it, but I couldn't afford to stay out of control, unless I was willing to let it all go.

People would still love me, my kids, my mom--family and friends, they would hurt for me, but their love and support would never go away. Perhaps I wanted too much, to be free? Maybe living at a healthy weight wasn't meant to be? Simply not caring would possibly be easier, I thought, but I was wrong. Not caring would be easier in the day to day actions but impossible for me to accept in the bigger picture.

What was most damaging to my psyche was the misalignment between my actions and the public persona I felt I needed to maintain during my deepest and darkest struggles. I wouldn't allow myself a shred of self-compassion over this, brutalizing myself constantly with negative thoughts and actions. Through it all, surprisingly, I never lost the ability to genuinely encourage, support and give fantastic advice to others, but at the same time, finding my balance personally felt a million miles away.

To be where I am today is miraculous to me. It's been a very quick turnaround complete with epiphanies that will forever affect my life in positive ways. My hopes and dreams are alive and well. I'm comfortably on my way back to my healthiest weight. And most importantly, I've learned valuable lessons I needed to experience in order to live my best life, for the rest of my life. I'm still learning. Had I never faced the struggle of the regain and all of the emotions and negative energy in that direction, I wouldn't have felt as prepared as I feel I am today.

I didn't give up. I almost did. But I didn't. I could have closed the curtain on that deal a long time ago, but I was constantly being shown the light peeking through, calling me toward it. I have so many blessings to be thankful for these days. There's always light. Even on the darkest day the sun is shining on the other side.

My spinning class today was only 45 minutes instead of an hour like I thought. When the instructor said "seven more minutes," I felt such a relief. The spinning classes are some serious work, especially at this weight. I feel good after. Making it all the way to the end of the class leaves me with an incredible sense of accomplishment. I plan on continuing with spinning every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

I visited Courtney and Noah after my workout. Noah and I played with my phone and had a wonderful time before his dinner time. He's eating regular food now and he's naturally doing very well with the transition from formula and baby food. His smile fills me with an indescribable joy.

I stopped by Amber's apartment on my way to dinner for a quick visit. She updated me on her preparations for her new job as an elementary special education teacher. She's excited and I'm thrilled and excited for her too!

I decided to have some fajitas out instead of cooking tonight. I have a few solid strategies for getting in and out of the restaurant within my calorie budget. I employed them tonight with much success. Details in the tweets below.

Good food day!

Mushroom and double swiss omelet (3 egg whites-1 whole), yellow delicious apple. #goodbreakfast 345 cal. pic.twitter.com/4xBWoCiARd
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 16, 2014

Turkey & provolone on Joseph's Pita, avocado (95g) mixed w/lght sr crm (15g), rice chips & strwbrrs. 550 cal. pic.twitter.com/FeBgtJeSUV
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 16, 2014

Dinner out. Chips and salsa to start. Chips counted out. Bowl away from me!! #caloriebankstrategy 153 cal. pic.twitter.com/811Z7mO1eh
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 17, 2014

Chicken and Shrimp Fajitas! pic.twitter.com/Zx00ay2C7Z
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 17, 2014

Chicken & Shrimp Fajita Tacos! Ordered taco shells instead of flour tortillas, lettuce, grilled veggies. 411 cal. pic.twitter.com/STwoMf1qnu
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 17, 2014

Total dinner calories: 564. Strategy: 10 chips and no more, no rice, no beans, no cheese. Corn taco shells instead of flour tortillas. :)
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 17, 2014

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean