May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

So what is it? When do we reach a point where we stop the slide? It's different for each of us, for sure, but there are similarities--things universal to the struggle.

I reached a point where I was gradually losing everything but weight. My sleep was so messed up.  I was always exhausted and this contributed to losing my ability and desire to care about myself. My weight gain was bringing back health issues I thought I'd experienced the last of, like high blood pressure and severe swelling in my right leg. And I was quickly running out of clothes to wear. My recovery actually started long before the current state of this journey. It was January of this year when I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't get help for my severe sleep issues, I might not ever be able to correct and recover.

Even after two sleep labs and the installation of a new cpap therapy, the struggle continued. This time it was in ways worse than the all out slide. I was sliding and then getting on track, then sliding again--then getting on track again--and over and over...and over.

In a recent Facebook micro-blog, I tried my best to describe the transition into stopping the slide...

"I've been trying to identify and best articulate the most critical element transforming extreme struggle into harmonious consistency. Having experienced both, it's a fascinating study. Sure, it's a combination of elements, but what is the one, that without, all the others become ineffective? Is it acceptance, where suddenly we embrace instead of reject? That's fine, but how do we get to a place of acceptance? I keep coming back to perspective. Dr. Wayne Dyer says it so perfectly: “When you change the way you look at things, things change.” The perspective we choose is paramount to our success, of course. Sometimes, finding the perspective that engages the gear you're looking for isn't as easy as someone saying, “change your perspective.” In my opinion, we first must identify, one by one—the mind noise and clutter that keeps our perspective in a locked position. It's mental work that's worth the effort. Because if we can get past these things and truly shift our perspective, suddenly what once seemed impossible becomes not only possible, it becomes our new everyday reality, a non-physical transformation where we can finally experience the seemingly elusive, harmonious consistency."

Dave May, A good friend of mine, who's very familiar with me and with the elements of lasting recovery, added this:

"Want. Want is first. If we don't want to change, nothing happens. Belief is second. If we don't believe we can change, nothing happens. Self awareness comes third. If we don't become aware of the inner self, the baggage of the past, the self conscious "facts" we already have in place that are working to defeat us and keep us locked into our old behavior, they will, eventually and assuredly derail any attempt to change and again, nothing happens. Change, you see is a process and there is ALWAYS a most important element. We move from one most important to the next, and sometimes we must move back to the previous most important element, which brings me to one more "most important" element: Faith. If we don't have faith, we are sure to fail. Faith that I CAN change. Faith that the mistake I just made doesn't doom me. Faith that if I get on track, or get back on track, change will come. If we lose faith, none of the other elements will matter, because we won't believe they can work. We, of course could debate the order of these elements or which is the MOST important, but after years of struggle, growth, setbacks and triumphs, I believe that is a pretty good BASE list of the "most critical elements" of transformation. Oh, and let me add one more, lest I forget it and lose all of my progress: HUMILITY. If I ever think "I've got this figured out" I will surely fail. I must remain teachable, and the first element of being teachable is a realization that I do NOT already know all that I need to know. So the list I have shared with you here is Want, Belief, Self Awareness, Faith, Humility. Odd that I should have almost forgotten humility, and then placed it last on the list. As I sit here typing, the thought occurs to me that perhaps HUMILITY should be FIRST. Perhaps that I almost didn't even think of it is the real root of my problem? Without humility NONE of the other elements could exist. I guess I don't know which is first. All I know is there are a LOT of elements to change and they are ALL the most critical. Thank you Sean for starting my day off with a good think. Now I will add a prayer to it, and I should be off to a good start."

When a point of complete and utter desperation is reached, the proverbial "rock bottom," and it's enough to get our attention--and we sincerely want out and to find our way back...then we surrender.

When I emailed Dr. Marty Lerner at Milestones in Recovery in Florida to inquire about the cost of a 30 day stay, my long and drawn out surrender was starting. When the cost prohibited me from remotely entertaining the option, I had to figure out something else and fast.

But there I go again--thinking I could do it on my own, alone--and maybe then I can lose the weight I've gained and nobody outside of the people around me everyday will be the wiser.  

I've "surrendered" before, where I threw my hands up and declared I was powerless over this and needed help. I even wrote a blog post titled "surrender," a long while back. The post included a prayer for recovery and it was powerful to me. I forgot about how I was supposed to help myself, for best results.

So what happened? Relapse happened. But why?? Because I stopped doing the things that were working for me. 

If you're rowing your boat across a large body of water and suddenly you stop rowing, what happens? You come to a stop, occasionally moving with the flow of the currents, you're at the mercy of the currents.  If you stay there long enough , you risk encountering things that could sink your boat. Then, as the buoyancy of the boat is compromised we cry out...why is this happening??? We stopped rowing. We stopped doing what was moving us forward, what was keeping us ahead of the storms.

My greatest struggles came after I disconnected from any semblance of spirituality within my journey, I stopped writing on a regular schedule, I stopped using my Calorie Bank, I stopped reaching out for support, I stopped reading what others were writing, I stopped relating to others, I stopped exercising, I stopped recognizing that emotional eating is supported by the lie that food has magical powers to fix things, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped everything. I stopped rowing my boat.  Suddenly when the storms came, I had nothing to fall back on--I had sacrificed it all.  I had isolated myself in the middle of nowhere nice. But still--the question...WHY???

The answer?? Because my pride and lack of humility kept me from accepting personal truths about my food addiction. I wanted to be normal, damn it. I just wanted to be a different type of person--you know, the kind who doesn't have food issues and is an intuitive eater and loves to exercise regularly--and maintaining a healthy weight is just something that comes natural...I wanted to be that person. Anything but me.  Why?? Because I didn't like me.  Because no matter what I did, I found a way to consider myself a failure. I filled my head with so many self-abusive thoughts that were untrue--I started believing them. The more weight I'd regain the more disdain I had for myself.  The daily mental beat downs kept me feeling defeated.  I constantly put myself in a down position. And eventually I lost the strength and will to get back up.

That is, until I accepted a change in perspective. I let go of the struggle and basically said--tell me what to do!!  Whatever it is I need to do, I'll do it.

100% of the people I've talked to who have enjoyed years and years (one with almost three decades) of uninterrupted maintenance never stopped rowing their boat. They understood, for people like us, it's something we must do for the rest of our lives. We must always be aware. Always measure and weigh our food, always take extraordinary care by maintaining an exercise schedule. Always navigate restaurants with a keen awareness of what we're ordering and doing. We must always seek support with like minded people. We must always stay connected. And another thing I've noticed about people who do what's needed for recovery--they don't eat sugar. Some even avoid wheat and flour. And they're okay with it all. In fact, they're living fuller and richer lives because of their efforts.

I've reached a point of acceptance and it feels so incredibly good.

I've written more in the last 40 days than in all of 2013 and 2012 combined. I've reconnected with my support system. I've cut out 97% of pure sugar. I've even added elements I didn't use before--like MyFitnessPal and using Twitter as a food and exercise accountability tool. I'm doing the work and it's paying off. My last weigh day showed a 25 pound loss. I haven't binged in more than 40 days and I haven't had the urge to binge either.  And I've had powerful epiphanies in regard to my identity and self worth (read my May 15th post and the one a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness.")

I'm worth the effort. I'm going to make it. So are you.

------------------------------------------
Today was another wonderful day. I took time in preparing and enjoying my food. I had an incredible workout at the YMCA and I'm looking forward to my next weigh day on June 11th. I'm feeling smaller. My clothes are loose and people are once again starting to notice the positive changes.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

What It's Like

What It's Like

I'm very happy to be back. I'm contributing to this blog, maintaining a calorie budget and staying fairly active with Facebook and Twitter. I'm logging food, exercise and water consumption everyday on My Fitness Pal. I'm also staying closely connected to friends far and near, staying accountable and reaching out via text whenever a counterproductive food thought passes through my brain. Oh yeah, Gerri Helms has taught me, the best way to shut those crazy obsessive food thoughts down is to tell on 'em to someone, anyone. I'm getting more and more in touch with my own personal spirituality throughout this process. I'm realizing the truth, and that is: This isn't a solo battle. I'm not alone. You're here. I'm here. We're all here and we're doing this thing. And this thing is worth every ounce of effort. It's about life and freedom, clarity and peace. And it's about love and taking personal care. Choosing change is about all of these things and more. It's not effortless. It's work. But it's good work. It's not always fair, but some things just aren't and that's okay.

I'm wholly committed, my friend. And it feels phenomenal. It does because it wasn't that long ago when I wondered if it was even remotely possible to feel this way again. I was at the point of completely giving up. Struggling harder than I ever imagined possible, isolating in a place full of shame, guilt and regret...filling up on self-pity, self loathing and a general disgust--completely choosing a perspective void of even a shred of hope. And still occasionally trying to get it together only to fall again and again. As the weight gain continued, old issues started resurfacing.

I haven't shared this with anyone, but why not? A couple of months ago I sat on the edge of my bed and noticed a scab on my lower right leg. The weight gain had brought back swelling and since the skin on my lower right leg is forever damaged from my 500 pound days, it doesn't take much abuse for a tear to happen.  And there it was. The first sign of something horrific returning.  I'll never forget the pain of having a dozen or more sores after the constant swelling would rip my skin apart. I never want to get to that place ever again...but here it was, the start...and there I was feeling hopelessly doomed, almost attracted to the decline as if it had some insanely strong gravitational pull. What other freedoms will I lose?  How could this be happening?? Why????

All kinds of questions pelted me during this decline: What did I learn while losing 275 pounds?  And why did the strength I felt back then feel a million miles away? It was like being fluent in a language and suddenly losing even the most basic elements of communication. Was I really going to work that hard, get to a healthy body weight, work through emotions and get to a place where I was healthier than ever...and then turn around and go the other way???  Did I somehow subconsciously decide I wasn't worthy?   

Oooh... That's it, isn't it? I didn't deserve it. Okay, wow. That's heavy stuff. I wasn't worthy. How did I reach that ridiculous conclusion?

I suppose it happens over time. It's like we have a constant checks and balances happening with our perception of the good and the bad of our life. Every negatively perceived thing makes a mark, an impression, a scarring on our brain and then it sits and waits for other negative things to join in and these things grow.  Most of the time these negative perceptions aren't even our fault, but in a desperate effort to explain and understand, it becomes easier to just take the blame.  And maybe some aren't even bad, but compared to the standards and beliefs we hold, they're perceived that way.  And so it goes, our self-esteem, self-worth. And the other side, the positive happenings? They are wonderful, and they keep us going, but eventually they're diminished by the overwhelming darker, more negative perceptions, a bad apple if you will, spoiling the bunch.

As powerful as these dynamics seem, there's a serious problem. They're not true. I'm a good person, no--check that, I'm a great person. And I am worthy of feeling good. I am worthy of my success.

I'm going to take care of me with the positive care and love I've always deserved but was too caught up in false negatives to fully recognize. I want it for others, so why not offer the same love and compassion for me to enjoy?

This is a new day. This is a new perception. This is happening like no other time I've ever known.

This is the moment when "I'm Choosing Change" becomes even more powerful.  And it does because it's uninhibited by the deep seeded belief of unworthiness.

Let's do this.

Thank you for reading,
Goodnight and...
Strength,
Sean

The Intersection of Hope and Truth

The Intersection of Hope and Truth

As I move forward, I find the trek is different than before.  It's a trek affected by so many variables contributed by my success, struggles and my most sincere desires of today and for tomorrow.  As someone who, at my heaviest, was a source of constant excuses and rationalizations--and then chose to rise above them in every way, I'm acutely aware and much less accepting of anything resembling an excuse or rationalization.  Is it a case of being too hard on myself?  No.  Clearly not... It's simply a place of understanding where excuses and rationalizations for not doing the best I can, are clearly identified as such--and unless they're legitimate (and they rarely are), I automatically see through them and that takes me to a deeper place in thought.  Knowing and understanding this excuse vs. action dynamic doesn't exclude anyone from struggle--Lord knows I've proved this to be true in many ways.  Once the truest nature of the excuse/rationalization dynamic is revealed--it leaves only one option: Action.  As in, doing.

Okay--so there is another option, sure--but it requires a retreat into the dark abyss of denial--a place where we forcefully ignore the truth in what we've learned about ourselves, a place where we deny our proven capabilities in exchange for self-destruction despite knowing a better way.  Why would we choose this less than desirable option?  Because it doesn't require much effort.  It's easy--we flip a switch to the off position and we proceed--occasionally reminded of the better way--and pushing it back further anyway.

Recovery takes effort.  The rewards are enormous.  The alignment with our truest desires for internal peace and happiness is found in our thoughts and actions, the doing--and there's peace to be found, instead of turmoil, instead of struggle, instead of running against the grain of good--there's peace, harmony and success--just waiting for us to break free from whatever is holding.  And isn't it a massive revelation when we discover the only thing truly holding us back, is our own thoughts?

I was so moved by a recent email I received, I decided to bring out the essence of the message for discussion on my facebook page.  I've received several similar messages over the last four-plus years--but for some reason, this one just hit me harder...And it probably did because my recent struggles have taken me back--re-acquainting me with the thoughts and feelings described.

First of all--any email anyone sends me is private--and with this respect and consideration in mind, I asked the sender for permission to share--even though she wouldn't be identified in the least.  I've done this before because sharing and relating is important, one on one--and with anyone who might be helped by the exchange.  The facebook post received several replies--including one from Dave--the radio personality across the studio hallway from me.  Of course I know Dave as much more than a radio guy--he has experience and wisdom about many things---especially recovery.


The facebook post: 

"A message I received yesterday: “I'm so lost and hopeless at this point. Why can't I grab control and do this? It feels impossible.” Where you are is a familiar place for so many of us. You're not alone. The negative emotions you're feeling and these thoughts are not giving you an accurate perception of reality. Because reality is, there's hope. And there's plenty of people who are living and managing—and at first glance, it may appear they have it “easy.” I assure you, they're no different than you and me. There's an army of support for you. Just know, you have it inside you—this seemingly impossible ability to choose change—I guarantee it's there. Release the anxiety laden thoughts trying to convince you otherwise. How do I know it's inside you? Because I once (and a few times since) felt exactly the way you've described...and I found it in me."

Dave's reply:

"If I comment on Sean's status it is usually to give Sean a hard time, which he takes in stride and good humor, but today I want to share something in hopes it might reach the person who sent Sean the message about being "lost and hopeless". You see, I once felt profoundly lost and hopeless. Those feelings were horrible, but what I didn't know at the time was that those feelings were about to be the very thing that helped me break free to a new life more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 25 years ago I had reached the end of my rope and it was all I could do to just hang on. Then I let go of the rope with one hand and reached out for help. I couldn't believe it when the people who answered my cry for help told me to let go with the other hand too! I thought, "Cant you see I'm barely hanging on here!?!" They explained to me that what I was holding onto wasn't going to help me. In fact I was holding on to my old self, my old way of thinking. They shared with me that I felt lost because I was lost, my old map was never going to help me because I was following it when I got lost. They also said I felt hopeless because hanging onto my old beliefs was no hope and deep down I obviously knew it. I couldn't argue with them because they made too much sense AND I could tell by the way they talked that they had been right where I was and had found a way out. Well I did let go, against everything in me crying out to hang on, I let go. What I found was that I did NOT plummet to my demise as all my fears had told me I would if I let go. Instead I was for the first time in a long time free. I was free from the strongest bondage that can ever exist. Those are the bonds that hold me in place, not because they are unbreakable, but because I cling to them. So if you feel lost I encourage you to look around and realize you are lost. And if you feel hopeless know that only by reaching out for help can you find hope. Real hope, real change. After all, as it was for me, I'll bet it is the same for you: All my best thinking got me lost and hopeless. Quit hanging on. Let go and fly."

That's golden.  Thank you Dave!

To me, letting go and flying is about opening my mind to the spiritual side of this journey.  Praying for strength, reaching out to friends and continuing to take one step at a time in a direction I undoubtedly know is right and good.

There is hope for all of us.  Recovery isn't reserved for the lucky few--it's claimed by anyone who truly desires and is willing to walk in the direction of their individual truth.  It doesn't have to be some grand movement--just positive movement forward with faith, intent and deliberate action.

Speaking of deliberate action... While I'm sweating on the elliptical this afternoon--getting lost in my music and pushing myself toward a good workout, I'll be reinforcing positive thoughts about this entire journey.  With intimate knowledge and experience on both sides of the mental battle, I've learned something I keep repeating every chance I can: Our thoughts have real power. We gravitate toward these thoughts--and so, minding them is just as important as planning our meals and scheduling our workouts.

I plan on weighing again Wednesday.  I look forward to sharing more of my progress along the way as I proceed to lose what I've gained.  I say this, knowing that recovery isn't simply measured by pounds on a scale.  It's measured by the level of care and importance we give to ourselves and our journey...and when we're moving forward and taking care of the inner workings of our mind--the outer results come as a side-effect.  My best to you--and thank you for reading.

Choosing change,
Sean

Just Be Okay

Just Be Okay

Pausing to reflect is important. Indeed, it is.  But only when the reflection is focused on the lessons learned in our struggles, the victories earned in our triumphs and the choices needed to move forward in a positive way.

Pausing to reflect can be devastating if we're squarely focused on the negative consequences of our choices and actions.  It's like constantly analyzing where and why we swerved off the road.  If you're driving along and you skid off a slippery highway, finding yourself in a ditch, you might pause to thank God you survived.  You probably would spend a minimal amount of time thinking about what happened leading up to and creating the loss of control.  But then your main focus turns to what it must be in those moments: "How do we get out of this ditch?"

When flashes of what to do now are clouded by constantly analyzing what went wrong, feeling bad about what happened and obsessing about how it could have been different, we become stuck.  Truly stuck.  Paralyzed by our thoughts, we sit and stew inside as the windows become covered until we can't see the road.  Soon, disoriented, we lose our sense of direction. We know we can't give up, because staying here will eventually kill us if we don't act.  Our basic instincts of survival demand we act and act now, if we hope to ever get out of here, we must act. 

That's where I've been.  In that vehicle.  I'm not alone.  I have my hopes and dreams with me.  I have the best of intentions with me too.  I have family and friends who reach out and offer support and they believe in me 100%; they always have.  If I were more clear with them, revealing my location, they would find me and once again their support would be fully received as it once was in the best of times.  Instead, I sit here, feeling the sting of the cold as thoughts of my chosen consequences pierce me in every way I allow.

I occasionally receive messages from people far and near who have read my blog, my book and facebook mini-blogs and they send some of the most incredibly positive stories about how my journey has affected them.  They're on the road, hands on the wheel and thanking me for inspiration they've gleaned from my experience.  Perhaps they haven't heard of my current dilemma.  Maybe they have and they're hoping it motivates me to act and act now.  I often find myself in tears while reading these, filled with happiness for them first, then reminding myself that this is all I want to do with my life; to be a positive light for others; to serve as an honest example of what's truly possible.  Then, I become overwhelmed with guilt, withdrawing into myself, hiding from the truths I must embrace to get me out of here.

This isn't a pity party. This isn't a cry for sympathy.  This is the truth of where I am and it's a place I've kept myself by choice.  No, not the best choice(s), obviously, but it's my doing.  I'm responsible for me.

I have little sympathy or compassion when I read about a blue chip athlete who has it all going for him, yet self-destructs before he realizes his ultimate goals and dreams.  Or when they achieve incredible heights, only to fall quickly by way of their own horrible choices. Yet, I find myself in a similar place.

If I'm not willing to give someone else sympathy and compassion in this situation, imagine what I'm doing to myself.  I must have compassion for myself, self-forgiveness and an eye for the clearer road ahead.  I have serious choices to make.  Good choices.  I have the tools readily available to emerge from this death trap and get back on the road to safety and positive leadership.

Oklahoma's own Vince Gill once sang "There's no future in the past," and oh my, how true that rings.  I can't go back in time and prevent what has happened, so why constantly obsess over the elements involved? I can move forward in a positive way, one choice at a time.  And when I'm in similar positions someday, I'll appreciate the experience I've gained, giving me the strength and insights to be okay.

Someone I truly care about recently told me to just "be okay."  And it sent me in search of what that means.  It sounds so simple.  "No really. Just. be. okay."  I want to be okay.

I think it means to appreciate the positive blessings, let go of the negatives and move forward in peace.  I think it means for me to have compassion for myself and others as I navigate the future in this direction, instead of wallowing in the maze of my past.  I think it means to stop trying to figure out how to undo what's already done, like it never happened--and make positive steps toward a future where the same mistakes are not repeated.  Just be okay.

That's where I am.  I'm working on being okay.  I'm reaching for the door handle leading out of this place.  The sun shines on the other side of this door.  Why would I choose to stay in the darkness?  There's fresh air out there, there's love, there's peace, there's family and friends...there's hope and promise.

I've deflected every inquiry from family and friends about what I want for Christmas.  I simply want peace.  I simply want to be okay.  And this Christmas wish isn't something anyone else can give me.

I'm here. I'm choosing to release myself from the imprisoning thoughts of yesterday.  I'm choosing to live today.

I wish you the best Christmas wish I can, that you find peace, love and most of all, you find yourself being okay.

Thank you for reading, my friend.  Thank you for your incredible support.  Thank you for believing in me.  Thank you for being you.

Merry Christmas,
Sean

I Needed This

I Needed This


The past two days have been extremely good.  I've stayed within my calorie budget and exercised both days.  I've started each morning with spiritual prayer and meditation.  I've taken time and care in planning my food strategy too.  I once again feel strong and confident.  I feel driven in a positive direction.

I've been inspired, motivated, moved to tears and absolutely energized by the outpouring of support.  I actually planned on returning to regular blogging sooner--in fact, shortly before my 41st birthday October 23rd I proudly proclaimed on facebook my return to regular blogging as a "birthday gift to myself."  My birthday came and went and still I avoided this blog page.

I was truly scared of what I might find.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of being called a fraud.  Fear of being reminded of some of my very own words, like "knowing too much to ever go back" and "nothing is off limits," among other writings and beliefs in the archives of this blog. It's important to remember something else I've said from the very beginning: I'm not an expert and I don't know everything.  All I've learned along this road continues to evolve and with experience and more learning, becomes subject to modification.  It's like transformation experimentation.

These irrational fears couldn't have been further from the truth.  In fact, the opposite is the true reality.  And this is where I realize something critical.

I needed this relapse.  I needed this challenge.  I truly needed to be humbled and shown the truth of my addiction once again.  I needed to learn more.  And I'll remain open minded and learn still more as we go.  Where I found myself and where I find myself today was and is imperative to my growth toward my ultimate goals and dreams. 

Words cannot express how grateful I am for your understanding.

In the middle of the last six months, I started to worry about the very real possibility of returning to 300, 400 or even 500 pounds. When you're feeling so lost and hopeless, it seems like the only possible outcome.

In the depths of a spiral, it's like we're divided into two opposite personalities. It's a classic good vs. evil struggle. If we're discouraged, depressed and failing to plan, this weakened state makes standing up against inexplicable compulsions almost impossible. Giving in weakens us even more until we're totally dominated. At this point, the hopeless feelings; the idea of never finding a way to once again grab control becomes oppressive, all consuming, desperate, suffocating and lonely. 

If this is where you find yourself, you're not alone and it isn't hopeless, I promise.  Reach out, first spiritually--in whatever way that means to you, ask for help.  Then, reach out to anyone around you, far and near by giving your struggle a voice.  It's incredible how quickly this can snap you back into the mindset needed to break free again.

Over the next however long it takes, I'll return to a healthier body weight and I'll do it with a greater appreciation and respect for the dynamics of food addiction and emotional compulsive eating.

I'll also work on being a little more compassionate toward me.  Several have noticed how harsh I can be on myself.  As one put it, "You treat others with so much compassion, yet you have little for yourself."  Wow... They're right. This will be another well learned lesson along the way. 

In the tradition of this blog, I look forward to once again sharing many pictures, videos and various other elements along the way.

Tonight, before I wrap this up--I wanted to share a couple of photos of me with very special people.  My maternal grandmother (Edith Irene Anderson) passed away in May.  I've written about her and posted pictures of her throughout the journey, so I wanted you to know.

My big brother Clarke Hodson also passed away in early September.  Clarke was my big brother in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program.  If you've read my book, then you might remember the six or seven paragraphs where I described my relationship with him.

As I approached goal, grandma would advise "don't you lose another pound!"  It was her loving way of saying she loved me unconditionally.  And she did, at 505 or 230--no matter, I always had her love and could feel how incredibly proud she was of me.  She would often talk about the time she enjoyed watching me sing on stage with the Poncan Opry Band.  Even though Alzheimer's disease was robbing her memories, it was one of the few that remained.

I was incredibly honored when the family insisted I be with them during Clarke's funeral.  I was such a lucky kid... The program could have paired me with anyone and I was fortunate enough to get to know Clarke.

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,

Sean