July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

I'm usually well prepared. I woke up this morning to not a single egg in the fridge. I enjoy starting my day with eggs of some kind and fruit. My breakfasts are nearly the same most mornings, with slight variations. If it's an omelet, what's inside might change. The eggs seem to keep me satisfied longer. My back up plan this morning was steel cut oats with diced apple and cinnamon. It was good, but not exactly what I planned. And that seemed to be the theme of the day.

It was mid-morning when I realized I was out of lunch items in the employee fridge, so I ran home and prepared a good lunch. On the way back I had a front end blowout just as I was pulling into a parking space at the downtown studios. My back up plan was the station remote vehicle because I couldn't use my spare. I called the tire place and made arrangements to get my car fixed tomorrow. This wasn't exactly what I planned.

I was very tired by the time I got home mid-afternoon. I decided a good nap before spinning class was a great idea. I had been looking forward to spinning class all day long, even though it will likely be the toughest workout I've endured to date. I'm genuinely excited to climb back on the cycle because I know what it does to my body. It's good. I set my excessively loud radio alarm clock for 4pm. This would be a solid hour and fifteen minute nap. I turned on the NPR Fresh Air podcast and set the sleep timer for ten minutes. I don't think I lasted three minutes. I was out and sleeping deep, as sound as I possibly could. I was sleeping well. So much so, that when the alarm started blaring (loud enough to likely be heard in adjacent apartments), I didn't budge.

With the radio volume blaring as loud as it goes, filling my entire apartment with noise, Mother Nature decided to lend a hand with a big thunderstorm...still, I peacefully slept. When I finally opened my eyes at 5:08pm, I was disoriented and frantic. The alarm had automatically shut itself off after an hour of rockin' my pad and the thunderstorm was still rolling. The immediate urgency of the weather (which I should have been covering live in-studio) and the list of warning notifications on my phone had me frantically dialing a colleague, hoping and praying she was on the air in my place. And she was. Thank goodness. At 5:11pm I sat on the side of my bed and realized there wasn't any way I could make the 5:30 pm spinning class. Had I been awake, I still wouldn't have made it to the class because I would have been on the air covering this pop up thunderstorm. I decided to pull myself together and get into the YMCA for my regular elliptical workout. I grabbed some turkey and cheese for a pre-workout snack and headed out. It was good, but not exactly what I planned.

The entire day wasn't exactly what I had planned and yet it was still a great day. I had moments of frustration. I experienced potential temptation when a co-worker generously and innocently gave me a small Italian pastry she picked up from Starbucks (I re-gifted it to the break room where it's anyone's treat--anyone but me). I now know I must get new tires tomorrow--that's an unexpected expense--slightly stressful and I had genuine disappointment in missing the spinning class. And of course the incredible stress of waking up in the middle of an unexpected summer time thunderstorm when I was supposed to be in studio and on the air covering it, instead of sleeping through it. 

Through it all, I somehow maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, had a great workout on the elliptical and enjoyed a fantastic home cooked dinner before making my way to the store for a long overdue grocery shopping trip.

I'll have my favorite eggs in the morning. I'll get tires tomorrow. I'll climb aboard the spin cycle for an intense workout tomorrow (unless Mother Nature calls me into work). It's all good. And then, as a nice punctuation to an otherwise out of sync day, this happened:

As I made my way out of the YMCA a very nice lady spoke to me. I was still firmly in the grip of an 80's music party in my head, but I could tell she was speaking to me, so I removed an ear bud. She told me she reads my blog everyday and that she's proud of me. She said that what I do was inspiring to her. She expressed how she sincerely appreciates the decision to include the meal tweets in this daily blog because she doesn't do Twitter. She told me we had a mutual friend in Cathy at the hospital. She also said she's already lost 25 pounds. I congratulated her and thanked her for the kind words, then we wished each other well as we continued on toward the parking lot. An encounter like that lights me up like hardly anything else. It inspires me even more and reconfirms that what I'm doing is important, not just to me, but to others. And that's a feeling so good, it's hard to describe. I sat in the big station vehicle for a moment, turned off Billy Idol and gathered my thoughts. This was exactly the way my day needed to go. It was perfect, really. You see...

Having steel cut oats and fruit as a backup breakfast reminded me how fortunate I am to have good food ready to go. Having a blowout at 5 mph as I pulled into a parking space at work was a blessing. If that tire had decided to give way on Highway 177 last night, it could have resulted in a tragic accident. And if I hadn't over-slept my nap and the storm wouldn't have happened, I would have been in that spinning class today and I wouldn't have met the nice lady on my way out of the Y tonight. Oh--and I forgot to mention how I ran into Andy, the spin class instructor at the grocery store. I had a wonderful conversation with him about the class and weight loss. It was perfect and had my day been aligned differently, this delightful grocery store visit wouldn't have happened.

A good or bad day isn't necessarily dependent on the things that happen, it's decided by the perspective and attitude I choose. Today was a great day even though it wasn't exactly what I planned.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Today's meal tweets:

Woke up realizing I forgot to stop by the store. No eggs! Steel cut oats instead (1.5 srv) w/apple & cinn. 313 cal. pic.twitter.com/lFAKtlTRGL
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 14, 2014

Turkey (1.5 srv) and mozzarella on a Joseph's pita with 1.25 srv rice chips, medium orange. 475 cal. #lunchtime pic.twitter.com/8VNKHUGsRv
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 14, 2014

Grilled chick.brst (6oz), grilled onions, peppers & squash w/a light coating-olive oil. Roasted red pot. 509 cal. pic.twitter.com/yYSpkFcKyI
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 15, 2014

Bonus Tweet: The grocery shopping trip...

It's too late for me to be shopping! Grocery trip. This will take care of me for a little while. pic.twitter.com/HiO3Ji6MiH
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 15, 2014

June 30th, 2014 My Deal With Sugar

June 30th, 2014 My Deal With Sugar

I'm up late tonight waiting to be activated for weather coverage on an approaching complex of storms. I'm basically writing in a race to finish before the gust front moves into our listening area. I've had these little races with Mother Nature before. I think it'll be okay.

I've written about my abstinence from sugar and how its given me a peace and calm like I've never known. It's not something necessary for everyone. You may not have the reactions I do when you consume sugar. Arriving at this point in my journey has required a bunch of trial and error, or more accurately, a bunch of denial and struggle. I'm glad I've experienced things this way, though. Because without the trials, the struggles--I wouldn't be where I am today. And I love where I am today.

If you're not someone affected by sugar, like me, good! For you, moderation is key. After experiencing the last nine and a half weeks without and the resulting peace and calm--I've never been more sure of its affects on me. When denial and struggle is replaced with the positive perspective of peaceful acceptance, it's life changing, certainly has been for me.

I'm writing about this because I've received a few messages and an email today on this very subject.

I believe I've shared these thoughts before. Just in case, here's my deal with sugar:

Restrictions.
This was one of the biggest points of contention for me since I started losing weight in 2008.

I lost 275 pounds eating cake, ice cream and desserts--all within reasonable portions at appropriate times.

Using prior success as a reference, It made it very hard to get to a place of acceptance for abstinence, where I am now.

How did I stay consistent for as long as I did, despite all the sugary foods in moderation?

In hindsight, I clearly see how my support and accountability system importance level was set so high, I didn't dare give in to the struggle, temptation and the obsessive like attraction to "getting more."

There were a lot of prayers and meditation--surrounding myself with people, instead of isolating--and connecting as much as possible with a variety of support sources.

When I basically abandoned almost every support and accountability component I had leaned on for so long--then it was a very different dynamic. Suddenly I was dramatically weakened.

When the bio-chemical reactions of sugar addiction swirled through my brain, I followed its lead without question--as if possessed. I traded one struggle for another. Instead of struggling against the compulsions to binge, I gave in--then struggled with the regret, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and the guilt associated with doing the very things I wanted to be diametrically opposed to. 

I was very much NOT wanting to let go of the sugar or, the option to enjoy it occasionally in portioned doses... My denial was slowly revealed and chipped away by learning. What ended up happening is, I kept researching the effects of sugar, specifically the addictive nature of it, and then as if I was destined to hear--I kept having conversations with people in recovery from food addiction---people who have what I want--years of maintenance behind them--and 100% of them said the same thing in relation to sugar and how it creates a bio-chemical reaction in our pleasure sensors---and then sets off the addictive cycle of, "I gotta have more and NOW!!!!" 

I can't say I'm 100% sugar free, because of my non-flavored plain coffee creamer. The tiny amount doesn't seem to have the same effect as larger more obvious amounts. I'm sugar free enough to experience the most amazing benefits I once thought were impossible to find for me. No binges and no urges to binge. So many people described their experience to me--and they described this feeling--but still, until I actually committed to the effort needed to personally "test" it, it was like they were speaking of some mythical fantasy. 

I do recognize that I have a similar and many ways stronger support and accountability system in place now--but even still--I'm not fighting to maintain control. There's a peace and calm about my approach that I'm absolutely in love with.  If trading the occasional sugar for this feeling is the deal...then I'll sign a lifetime contract. That's the long answer to my perspective.

Will I ever go back to eating ice cream, cakes and other sugar laden things? I pray I never do. My short answer is no, I don't plan on ever going back. I now know, understand and appreciate what I must do in order to stay abstinent.  I also know that if I ever decide to abandon the principles and practices of my personal recovery, I'll surely go straight back to the very familiar reality of an unmanageable and chaotic existence.

It's important to note that fortunately, not everyone is a food and/or sugar addict. For some, the basic fundamentals of eating less, exercising more and developing an "in moderation" approach to food is the answer. I wanted it to be my answer. And as much as I wanted to wish it into being--summoning the law of attraction and constantly telling myself I was someone who could be okay with a non-addict approach to recovery--I finally realized it wasn't me. And it's okay. I'm okay. And I have a wonderful, rich and fulfilling life ahead of me without sugar.

The acceptance of and fully embracing my personal truth of addiction, along with some life changing epiphanies about identity and self-worth, have sent me straight to a very positive place. I love this feeling and I wouldn't trade it for all the Snickers Bars and mint chocolate chip shakes in the world.  Truth is, all it takes for that transaction to happen is one Snickers or shake. 

I'm happily abstinent from sugar.

Sean

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We've expected these storms moving in overnight since this morning. With this knowledge, I was able to plan my afternoon with a solid nap in place before heading to the YMCA for a workout.  I experienced a wonderful ride on the elliptical tonight before meeting Amber and KL at my favorite little Mexican place for Hawaiian Fajita Tacos!

Instead of corn tortillas, I requested corn taco shells.  Now, I'll always order it this way. The corn taco shells are simply stronger, holding up better to the moistness of the ingredients. I passed on the chips, guac, beans and rice--opting instead to focus on my three big and hearty Hawaiian Fajita Tacos!  Here's the tweet:

Crispy corn shells w/grilled shrimp, pineapple, steak & chicken. Topped w/lettuce, sr crm/salsa dressing. 518 cal. pic.twitter.com/OUcRBIWx7a
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 1, 2014

I had a wonderful visit with Amber tonight. It carried over past dinner, to their apartment afterward. Amber has a big opportunity in front of her and tonight she needed some fatherly advice and encouragement. Nothing feels better than connecting on deep levels with my kids. It's a fantastic feeling.

It's late and the complex of storms are approximately an hour away. I better get to work. If you're ever interested in listening, we do stream. Simply click: http://player.authorizedstream.com/?pid=593

Thank you for reading and your support,

Strength,

Sean

June 28th, 2014 Outside Food: The Lunch Experience

June 28th, 2014 Outside Food: The Lunch Experience

It was tough to get out of bed this morning after last night's late on-air weather coverage. I was getting up early to help some friends load their moving truck. I'm so glad I did because it felt good to help and it was one of the best workouts I've had in years. I made sure to take time for breakfast preparation and preparing a sack lunch for the inevitable lunch time break.

Lunch ideas were tossed around. Fried chicken? BBQ? Pizzas? It didn't matter to me, I had planned, prepared and packed my lunch.  I was hoping they would order out and everyone eat at their house, but the decision was made: The lunch break would be at the pizza buffet place.

At first I agreed to go too, taking my food with me. Then suddenly I started worrying about what might happen if I took my outside food into this restaurant. Would I be told I couldn't by the manager? Would people look at me in a strange way? Everyone was already in their vehicles when I decided I just couldn't do it. I asked my friend, "Do you mind if I stay here and eat my lunch? You guys go ahead and enjoy, I don't mind. I just didn't want to take my lunch into the restaurant."  He understood and said he didn't mind and we parted ways. I decided to drive home and eat lunch. I was almost to my apartment when I had a revelation.

I'm going to the pizza buffet place!!! I'm going to enjoy lunch and conversation with my friends. Part of the freedom included in the epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post involve caring much less about what others think of me. I'm confident in who I am. There was a respectful way to handle this restaurant situation without creating stories in my head about how the management and diners would react to me bringing in my own food. Who cares? If it's an issue, I'll leave, I thought.

After accepting then abruptly declining the lunch invitation, then having a sudden change of heart and going anyway, I kind of felt like I was in the middle of an internal tug of war.  But now I felt empowered and determined to enjoy my lunch while visiting with everyone else. I pulled into the parking lot, grabbed my lunch bag and without hesitation, headed for the door. Instead of sitting down and feeling like I had to conceal my "outside food" that was possibly breaking a common policy many restaurants maintain, I went straight to the counter. I was greeted by a very nice lady, I asked if she was the manager--she said yes, and then I explained what I wanted.

I opened with a compliment: "I love how you've remodeled the place! I'm with the party of eight in the room over there, but I'm on a special food plan. Would it be okay if I eat the food I brought while they eat your buffet?" She replied with a smile: "That's fine!" Okay, that went way better than I imagined. I added, "do you mind if I use a plate and order a water? I'll be sure to tip!" Again, "that's fine, no problem." 

I immediately walked past the hot buffet line full of almost every kind of pizza you can imagine. Hot pastas full of sauce and cheese, garlic bread--they had it all. I grabbed my plate and headed to the table where I assembled my sandwich, logged the food in MyFitnessPal, took a picture and sent the Tweet:

Roast beef w/2 LC light creamy Swiss wedges spread onto a Joseph's Pita. Pineapple (13 oz) & Beanitos chips. 572 cal. pic.twitter.com/fByaQLvmyO
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 28, 2014

I didn't make a big deal about it. I didn't talk about my food until someone at out table asked me to describe what was on my plate. Honestly, I don't think anyone else away from our table even noticed. I quietly took care of me, doing my thing as everyone enjoyed wonderful lunch conversation. I participated in the fantastic conversation too and as I did, I couldn't help but smile inside because I felt wonderful about my decision to join the group for lunch. And to think, I almost didn't because I was allowing my imagination and fear to mix into an unrealistic expectation. There wasn't a stern manager telling me to leave...I didn't get strange looks at me or my food...just a wonderful lunch experience with some of the best people I know.

What also stood out in a profound way, was how content I was. There wasn't a struggle passing by the above described buffet line. My mouth wasn't watering at the site of other people's food. I didn't feel deprived in the least. It wasn't will power. Will power is when we're exerting a large amount of energy in an effort to keep ourselves from doing or having something we really want. It didn't require will power because I didn't want. That's a big difference. The key to this difference is found in focusing on the perspective that says, isn't it nice to have such a wonderful visit with friends? Isn't this lunch delicious and satisfying? And not: I can't have what they're having. Because clearly, I could--and for free, my friend's were picking up the tab.

And that's an important distinction. It wasn't that I couldn't eat what they were eating, I could have easily. I didn't want to for very good reasons. Just to clarify, had it been a restaurant with items I could order and feel good about, then I might have returned my prepared lunch to the fridge, saving it for later. My recovery from food addiction is something I take very seriously and if I'm ever in doubt about what's available where I'm headed, then I'll always be sure to bring something with me or wait until I have access to something I can accept. I had no idea of the lunch plans today, so I adequately prepared myself, and it paid off handsomely.

I managed my calories with intention and deliberateness today. I did well. My workout was the moving experience. I prepared a very nice Tilapia loin dinner with asparagus, zucchini, pear and fresh strawberries and I enjoyed a wonderful visit tonight with my oldest daughter Amber at her place across town. Her and I have some pretty powerful conversations! Both of my wonderful daughters remind me of me in various ways.

I even took some time during a break in the move to tweet some humor:

I'm wearing my new "World's Greatest Grandpa" t-shirt. I was hesitant at first because it's a few sizes too old for me.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 28, 2014

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

The storms rolled in last night and I was activated, covering weather until the early morning hours. I have done this many times and still made it through my show from 6-9am. I knew before I left the studio, there wasn't any way I could come back and do a show. I was a zombie. I left a note for a colleague to cover my show and it was decided, I was at least taking a half a day--personal day, sick day--whatever we needed to call it, I needed it!

I slept until after 10am, got up and it felt like the weekend all over again. I slept well too. You know the kind of sleep where, maybe a handful of times a year you wake up and think--wow, that was the best, and you feel amazing?? It was that kind of rest. I'm only four and a half months removed from some of the worst sleep of my life and I can tell you, the first thing I do when I wake up feeling great is give thanks for this amazing blessing. If you've ever felt the frustration of severe untreated sleep apnea, where no matter how many hours you're in bed, you still look and feel completely exhausted--then you understand the joy of a good night of real, rejuvenating rest. Oh my--it's like you want to burst open your front door and prance through the neighborhood in your robe singing uplifting Disney songs. I've come close a few times.

I cooked a big hearty breakfast!!

Beef (4oz sirloin) stir-fry omelet w/mshrms, peprs, onion, red pot., swiss, inside 3 egg white omelet & pear. 466 cal pic.twitter.com/DjSKqZz5HU
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 23, 2014

I returned to work mid-afternoon for production and various duties. I made sure to pack some things for lunch. I left shortly before 5pm, ran a couple of errands, requested assistance in moving some exercise equipment into my apartment (more on this in a moment), thought about what to cook for a late dinner--threw a couple of dry seasoned chicken breast in the oven, wrapped in foil--changed clothes, headed to the store to get a few things I forgot last night, then to the YMCA for a good workout.

After the Y, the chicken was still cooking at home while I met Alan, my ex-wife Irene's boyfriend and KL, my oldest daughter Amber's boyfriend. Alan has a truck. They both graciously agreed to help me pick up some exercise equipment from a friend's house and transport it to my apartment--and help me get it up the stairs and into my spare bedroom (which is currently being used for storage). It was almost impossible. Almost...we made it up the stairs with a little help from the insanely strong MMA fighter dude that lives in the building adjacent to me. Okay-- we don't know if he's really an MMA fighter, but we're pretty sure he could be one, easily.

A very dear friend of mine surprised me about three or four months ago when he called to tell me he and his wife had agreed to gift me their big treadmill and Nordicflex weight training machine. They're moving away and they didn't want to take it with them. Rather than deal with the process of trying to sell them, they thought I would get a lot of good out of both and they wanted me to have them. Isn't that amazing? I've volunteered to help them move later this week. It's the least I can do to show my extreme appreciation.

I waited this long to pick up the machines because I wasn't sure I could have them in my upstairs apartment. After careful consideration for the downstairs neighbor, I figured out a plan to minimize the effects of the treadmill vibrations. I'm going to buy a horse stall pad at the local farm supply store. It's a large, hard foam pad--the perfect size to fit underneath the treadmill. It will absorb the vibrations. The NordicFlex isn't a problem, it doesn't move in a way that might cause noise downstairs.


The decorating will soon begin--as I transform my spare bedroom from a storage room into a workout room! I'm already thinking of cool posters and other inspirational things I'll put on the wall!

The chicken enchilada crispy tacos were amazing tonight.  I ran short on my calories, so a little more than an hour and a half after dinner, I had another taco with a side of cantaloupe as my #lastfoodofday.

Chicken enchilada crunchy tacos!! 4oz shredded chicken breast, enchilada sauce, cheese, lettuce, tom. Sr crm. 468 cal pic.twitter.com/2ls9WVwPPq
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2014

I'm continuing this trek back to a healthy weight with a new kind of stride. I welcome you to follow along on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (www.twitter.com/seanaanderson) and my username on MyFitnessPal is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

I'm feeling better now, than I think I ever have in my life. That's a pretty big statement. I mean, ever, in the history of Sean. It has some to do with eating better, exercising and losing weight, of course, but the majority of this feeling comes from the epiphany of May 15th, 2014: My identity and self worth will never be tethered to the shape of my face, the size of my pants or the number on a scale. The same qualities and positive attributes I love about me are constant, at 505 or 230, for richer or poorer. Read the blog post from May 15th by clicking here.

Never before has something stayed with me in such a powerful way. And it goes beyond recognizing and understanding. I've taken this into practical application in my everyday life and its effect has been nothing short of miraculous.

I enjoy spending time with me. I don't think I've ever known what that was like until now. I have a greater confidence no matter where I am or who I may run into, I always hold my head high. What makes this exceptionally better is, I'm feeling great about myself, so when I'm around people I'm not busy projecting negative feelings about me onto them without their knowledge. In fact, it's the opposite. I think I'm awesome, so surely they do too! I don't tug on my shirt as much, as if doing so makes me appear slimmer. I don't look in the mirror and pepper myself with self-loathing and disgust. I look in the mirror with gratefulness and appreciation for what I have and what I don't have. I take extraordinary care in planning, selecting and preparing my food. I'm making me important. I even bought myself some new sweat pants today. I'm recognizing my talents and celebrating them--nurturing them, instead of discounting and under valuing. The added confidence has decreased my sensitivity, so I don't take things personally as often as I once did. I'm proceeding along this road with an excitement and vigor like never before.  When someone compliments me on my appearance, I say thank you instead of launching into a laundry list of reasons to invalidate their suggestion, followed by --"but yeah, thank you for that." Just as importantly, I don't invest too much in what people say about me in a positive way. I don't gravitate toward them like a puppy with wagging tail and wanting eyes, saying give me more, give me more... and hoping if they say it enough I'll eventually believe it too.

And I'm showing an abundant gratitude and thanks everyday for effectively being branded with two life changing experiences at the same time: The positive physical/mental effects of finally giving nearly 100% abstinence from sugar an honest effort and the mental/emotional freedom afforded by a new perspective on identity and self-worth.

I'm also keenly aware that these gifts are not in any way locked into place. Only with my continued diligent practice, my constant awareness of where I am and a confident patience for where I'm headed, will I be allowed to keep the peace I currently enjoy. Only a fool believes he's figured out the combination for eternal peace without continued effort and practice. I've used the word "practice" a lot lately because it's what it is. I'm not perfect, never will be and that isn't the goal. The pursuit of perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment.

I'm doing the best I can, today.

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Today was good in many ways. I had a productive morning show and afternoon production session. I left work, went shopping for myself (hardly ever do that), took care of a friend's dogs, then came home and started preparing an incredible meal. The food was almost done when I started my weekly Tuesday night support conference call, so I let it stay in the warm oven until the call was over. I enjoyed the meal tremendously--wow--Loved it!!

Baked talapia, asparagus, garlic & herb baked red potatoes (200g) w/light sr crm and Cinn/stevia bkd pears. 558 cal. pic.twitter.com/PvCQBOTcsf
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 18, 2014

I worked out on the elliptical at the YMCA after dinner, helped my oldest daughter with something--went back out to care for the dogs, then headed home to eat my #lastfoodofday and write this blog post.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 13th, 2014 Hazard Signal ON, Literally and Figuratively

June 13th, 2014 Hazard Signal ON, Literally and Figuratively

Today was cruising right along just fine. I felt good, I planned and prepared food. I was confidently accomplishing tasks at work, getting everything done I could before a long weekend. I had no idea that my resolve would be tested by a sudden and stressful event late in the afternoon.

My plan after work was solid. I would workout on the elliptical at the YMCA, exchange my vehicle for the station vehicle, then head home for a good nap before my Friday night rodeo broadcast. The plan was working beautifully until shortly after I picked up the station vehicle.

I noticed the station vehicle didn't have the same power it did the day before. I guess I thought it would improve the more I drove. Instead, it got worse. Finally, it died on the busiest strip in town. I was stranded in the middle of a major roadway at the busiest time of day with traffic whizzing by me. I immediately engaged my hazard signal. I even turned on the green and yellow light bar on top. Traffic didn't seem to slow as much as I had hoped. I was nervous because I just knew at any second I would be rear ended by an inattentive driver. My imagination went further, picturing a chain reaction pile up because of my stranded situation. My stress level was going sky high.

And that's when I started thinking about food. I've had nearly two months straight without too much of these kind of thoughts, and suddenly there I was with my brain trying to convince me that a binge would make this all better. Even after the tow truck was called, loaded the vehicle and was transporting me to the mechanic, I was still having an internal struggle...To eat or not to eat. I spoke with a friend, I sent text messages to another and I shared a fraction of what I was feeling. As the tow truck drove past an old familiar binge food source, I had errant thoughts about the fried chicken and fried pies they had inside.

This wasn't brought on by simple sugar because I haven't had any significant amount in two months. This struggle was brought on by stress. My brain's survival instinct was trying to convince me that I needed a binge to survive this ordeal. I was also very tired and needed a nap, so I was frustrated because my nap time had become this crazy stressful time and the clock was ticking. I had to be at my broadcast by 6pm. It was 4:50 by the time the vehicle rolled off the flatbed tow truck and into the capable hands of the mechanics. By this time I knew a nap wasn't happening. I started to feel hunger. This was genuine hunger, not simply obsessive binge thoughts--although they were still dancing in my head.

I was messing around with three of the four HALT items.  HALT is a term used in recovery circles, it stands for: Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I was hungry, angry because my plan was in shambles and I was way too tired. Add to that the fear of being late for my location broadcast--and I was a mess.

The transmission fluid was bone dry. Knowing my schedule of location broadcasts over the next 36 hours, the mechanics filled her up with fluid and looked for obvious leaks. It seemed to be holding for now. They tested the transmission and it engaged!  I was advised to immediately get a case of transmission fluid and a funnel to keep inside the vehicle, then after this busy broadcast weekend--get it into another shop, because they were booked up until after the 4th of July.

By 5:15pm I was headed home. I passed back by the binge place, not stopping, and I started thinking of things I could throw together for a snack before rushing off to my evening broadcast.  I finally decided to hurry to the BBQ place not far from my house for some smoked turkey breast. The plan was to order 8 ounces worth, double check it for accuracy when I got home (last time I ordered 8 ounces it was more like 12oz), and then graze on it during my broadcast. I was running out of time. I still needed to shower, shave and change clothes...it was just after 5:30pm and I had less than 30 minutes before I needed to be ready for the rodeo broadcast. The drive through of the BBQ place was four cars deep, easily a 20 minute wait at a place like this. I quickly turned around and decided to go inside. Bad idea. The line stretched the length of the building, all the way back to the front door. I had mixed emotions. On one hand I was frustrated because this meant no turkey for me. On the other I was silently taking credit for their rush of business, since I had just voiced and produced a rather elaborate and specific commercial for their rodeo week special.

By 5:45pm I was pulling into my parking space back at my apartment. I literally ran upstairs, turned the oven on and threw in two corn tortillas directly on the rack. While those were getting crunchy, I hurriedly cleaned up, shaved and changed clothes. At 5:55pm I opened a can of fat free/sugar free refried beans and weighed a 100 calorie portion. I placed it on a plate and into the microwave for 40 seconds. Took out the crispy corn tortillas, divided the beans between the two--then topped each with 15 grams of light sour cream before plating them and rushing out the door with absolutely nothing covering these "Bean and Cream" tostadas. I live 3 minutes from the rodeo arena and since my first on-air break wasn't scheduled until 10 minutes after 6pm, nobody seemed to notice I was four minutes late.  Once there, I took the time to log this critically important snack, take a picture and tweet the thing with the 260 calorie count.

By the time I had finished the tostadas, I was feeling much better. It wasn't the food and the ending of my slight hunger that was having the biggest impact on my improved feelings, it was because I had felt a familiar "command" in the middle of all that stress and I survived.

Learning that I am capable of making it in the face of extreme stress was a wonderful thing. In hindsight, I really should have expressed to my support buddies just how powerful it was and how powerless I felt in the heat of the moment. I suppose I did just enough to make it through.

Why would I hesitate to share the degree of difficulty I was facing? Out of shame? Like I'm not allowed to struggle anymore?? We both know that's baloney. Recognizing the struggle, identifying the source--and shutting it down was a wonderful accomplishment today. But it could have been very different. I'm not superman even though lately I've felt like I'm flying in a zone of peace and calm...I'm human and I'm a food addict. Part of my behavior with food is the emotional/stress trigger followed by the survival instinct to eat. Breaking up this behavior pattern was a nice victory today.

I'm exhausted. My first broadcast isn't until 11am tomorrow, so I plan on sleeping in as late as possible. I have 9 hours straight tomorrow, so you better believe I'll be planning and preparing for success tomorrow morning as I put together breakfast, lunch and a couple of snacks.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 26th, 2014 Memorial Day

May 26th, 2014 Memorial Day

I started today by remembering loved ones I've lost. Some left us way too young. As I searched for pictures of several to share on my facebook page, I started imagining what life would be like today if they were still with us. I wish I would have had more time with each of them and in the case of my big brother Danny, I wish I would have had a chance to meet him and know him. Instead of letting this train of thought bring me down into a depressive state, I did my best to mine some inspiration from it all.

Danny didn't know 42 years was all he would have. My brother Shane had no idea life would be a short 24 years and Clarke Hodson (My Big brother in The Big Brothers/Big Sisters program) still had a lot of life ahead of him when he passed at 57.  I couldn't remember how old Clarke was when he passed, so I Google searched his obituary and was touched when I discovered my name mentioned. I didn't know his family included me like that.

From his obituary:
"Clarke believed life should be a life-long learning experience and accomplished this through his employment as a teacher and later in life as a Training Administrator for Accurate Labs and as web master for OWPCA. Clarke and Debi shared their love of education and animals over 17 years as docents for the Tulsa Zoo. Clarke became involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters early in his life, which led to a long and memorable relationship with Sean Anderson."    

I knew how much he meant to me, I guess I always wondered if he felt the same about me. After his family insisted I sit up front with them at his funeral and now discovering this, I think I have my answer. I believe Clarke was right, life should be a life-long learning experience. I feel the same. I never want to stop learning.

------------------------
I slept better last night than I have in a very long time. I know I said those exact words not too long ago, but this was even better than that night. I slept soundly for eight straight hours and woke feeling refreshed and fully rested. It was incredible.

I took time today to catch up on emails too. If you have any questions for me, you can always send them to Sean@transformationroad.com

I took time and care in preparing my food today. This is really a big difference in me--to be so attentive and caring about the process of planning and preparing what I eat. I didn't give it this much attention when I initially lost weight. Instead of this increased attention and care being perceived as a burden (which is what I thought it would be), it's become very enjoyable. I look forward to it every day. Talk about changing perspectives, this is an example!

I planned on doing a 5K walk today and by golly, I did it. Actually I did 3.44 miles, a little bit longer than 3.1 for the 5K. I really thought my elliptical workouts was giving me a better workout but after doing this, I don't know. I'm beat in a good way.

So much more I wanted to discuss in this post, but it's getting late. I must hit the pillow.

Tomorrow night, Tuesday May 27th at 7pm Central, 8 Eastern, 6 Mountian and 5 Pacific--Life Coach Gerri Helms and I will present a very special teleconference program entitled "The Missing Piece."  It's completely free, but you must register by clicking this link: http://lifecoachgerri.com/events/the-missing-piece/  After you register with your email, we'll email you the teleconference phone number and access code.

We all have a different puzzle. Perhaps this presentation and question/answer session afterwards will help you fit a few more of your pieces together!  I hope you'll join us.

Friend me on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson --- and on Twitter, where I Live Tweet everything I eat with pictures and calorie counts. Twitter: @SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today

May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today

The positive momentum building here is palpable. That weigh day yesterday, even if some of it was water weight, was over the top. I've been here, I know what's coming and it will slow down, of course. I'm feeling ready for the road ahead.

Some of the mysteries are gone, replaced by experience, hardened by lessons--and that's wonderful. I'm taking a do-over. I thank God that I didn't slip all the way back. I'm thankful I didn't delete this blog when the darkness of the spiral suggested it was the best thing to do. It wasn't the best thing to do at all. But in that mindset everything is flipped, the good things seem repulsive and the bad things alluring. This chance I've been given is an opportunity to move forward into a familiar territory, armed with a fresh perspective, a new appreciation, a reverence for things I didn't give a chance before. I'm not a failure.

I'm not a failure. I'm far from it. In fact, I'm a success. If this sounds like positive self-talk working hard to defeat some deceptive inner dialogue, you're right, it is--but there's a difference now. It doesn't have to work very hard because I believe it. I truly believe those words so deeply, it's become a thing within me. I'm proud of my success.  I'm proud of my experience and what I've been able to learn.  How much better will it be to reach a healthy weight again and understand that I deserve to be there?  To not feel like a stranger in my own skin because this time around I've taken the time to reacquaint myself with the real me, will be a very powerful thing.  And the great thing about this developing relationship is, it isn't something I'll receive when I reach some magical point along the way. It's developing now. And I reap the rewards regardless of my weight.

The best thing that happened today was a phone call from mom.

Last June I accompanied her to the Stillwater Senior Center to see about mom becoming a regular visitor.  She enjoyed the tour and seemed genuinely excited to get to know so many new people.  But brewing in her was this negative inner dialogue about how she would be received.  To anyone that knows my mom, you know she's one of the most loving people in the world. Her smile, her conversation, her spirit--has a way of brightening everything.  She is easily loved by all who meet her. Still, she harbored a deep fear of rejection.  What if they don't like me? 

She's struggled with this for almost a year, even suffering sleepless nights full of anxiety over imaginary scenarios where she's rejected or simply not liked for whatever reason. I understand where that stuff comes from, I do and even while I was doing similar things to myself--I kept trying to encourage her to break free from this hold. Today she did it.

I was at the studio working when she called and told me the great news. It was a wonderful experience for her, everyone was friendly and she's planning on going back a few times a week. Talk about breakthroughs! This is a major breakthrough because she's risen above the negative and untrue inner dialogue, taken a chance and now she's free.

It's like me and the YMCA situation not too long ago.

I'm so very proud of my mom.

Today was a little bit turned around for me.  I was about to head to the Y this afternoon, until I got summoned into work by thunderstorms moving through.  This changed my plan. It was workout, dinner, writing. Instead it was working, dinner, writing and workout.  The rain has left a super moist smell in the air and it's so inviting, I'm headed out there within minutes for a good walk. Tonight's workout will not be as intense as the elliptical, and that's okay. It will be intense in other ways.

For food pictures of everything I enjoy, visit my Twitter account @SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

When I stepped on the scale in January I was hoping the number attached to my obvious weight gain would immediately jolt me into action. The scales showed a 143 pound gain.  There I was, 373 pounds, a weight I promised myself I would never see again. I made the same declaration at every major milestone.  I remember crossing down into the 400's, 300's, 250--and every time "I'll never see that number again!"

What went wrong? A few things. I didn't give my food addiction the respect it deserved, certainly a form of denial. I honestly believed after maintaining my 275 pound loss for nearly a year and a half, perhaps I could be normal--completely normal with food. I adopted a cockiness about it, like hey, I got this! Then I experienced emotional turbulence and stress, succumbed to a heavy dose of depression brought on by a constant state of exhaustion from severe sleep apnea...and within a short amount of time I was medicating with food, coping with food--surviving with food, again and again, just like the old days.

During this downward spiral, the struggle seemed magnified between good and evil, between what I knew was right and everything else. Not only did I feel bad for how out of control I was--I felt worse because this wasn't supposed to be me. 

After that sobering weigh-in, I did jump back on track for a little while. I managed to lose 10 pounds and I celebrated it as proof that I could still lose weight. I started writing more, I jumped back on the weekly conference call with Life Coach Gerri Helms where we discussed all of the issues included in weight loss with a wonderful group of participants. Make no mistake, even in times of my greatest struggle, I could relate and offer sound, quality advice. Talking the talk is one thing. I can sit down one on one with you and we could have the most inspiring-motivational discussion ever, and then as if possessed--I can go about doing the polar opposite for myself.

I had a few good days, then several bad, followed by a couple good--and so on.  My writing became sporadic once again and I was clearly struggling. I was fighting. I was hurting. I just wanted to scream out to the heavens, "Why is this so hard this time??? Why???? Am I destined to go all the way back??"

The 143 pound gain and my constant attempts to get back on track seemed to be pushing me even further down. I felt horrible about myself with a long list of reasons why. The struggle continued and clearly I was gaining once again.  The worst of it was running out of clothes.  I wore the same outfit to work everyday for weeks on end because nothing I had in the closet fit anymore. Sometime in early April, I don't remember the date--I know it was a Saturday, I had a remote broadcast.  I couldn't wear stretchy sweat pants to a public appearance, so I squeezed into the largest pair of pants I owned. The size 50's were a far cry from the 36's that felt so loose and wonderful at 230.  And they didn't fit. I made them work for this broadcast.  I was in pain the entire time. My right leg had recently started swelling again because of the dramatic weight gain and it pressed tightly against the pant leg of these jeans that were suffocating me.  I spent the entire broadcast trying to conceal the obvious issue with my leg. I stood in strategic spots where I thought it would be less noticeable. I peeled them off when I got home and discovered I was bleeding from their tightness.

A few days after that painful experience, I walked into the doctors office and faced the scale once again.  I just knew I had to have crossed back into the 400's again. I certainly felt like it. Maybe this time would be the dose of reality I needed.  The scale shot back 394. I had put on 31 pounds in record time.  I didn't tell a soul, I was too ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, sad and desperate. I eventually told my mom and a couple of others, in order to express how bad things had turned. Now what?

I was ready to throw in the towel.  Even 394 staring back at me wasn't enough. I still struggled, still felt possessed and driven to self destruction via food.  On one of my darkest nights, I emailed Marty Lerner, the director of Milestones In Recovery in Florida. Milestones is an in-patient food addiction treatment center. If you've read my book, you might remember Marty Lerner Ph.D., he wrote a fabulous review in the opening pages. I asked Marty about the costs of a 30 day in-patient stay at his facility in Florida.  He was very nice in his reply, although the cost immediately disqualified it as an option.

Now what?

It was now or never in my mind. I started an intense prayer and meditation campaign. I spent time seeking council from my therapist. I sought advice from Life Coach Gerri Helms. I studied all I could online about recovery for someone like me and I reached some concrete conclusions and solutions.  When I started struggling, one of the first things I did was stop writing on a regular schedule. I also stopped logging my food on MyFitnessPal. Getting those things back in order was paramount if I really wanted to recover.  And as I did, I discovered an enormous amount of love and support waiting for me--and it was always there--even when I isolated and felt so alone, I wasn't alone.

I have enjoyed almost a month of daily writing on this blog. In committing to this writing schedule, I've kept in touch with my emotions--writing it out each night and learning more each day. Recently, I've experienced some groundbreaking personal epiphanies about my identity and self worth that are poised to have the most wonderful effect on me...they already have, actually. And I've shared it all right here in these pages.

I've maintained my food and exercise log in MyFitnessPal and as an added source of accountability, I started tweeting pictures of every single calorie I consume (And I'm having fun doing it!).  I've committed to working out on a consistent schedule too.

This is how I'm recovering.  I'm doing what works for me, what I need--the writing, the food pics, the regular contact with close supporters who have been here, like Gerri. I'm making my private spiritual side important too. I've offered support to others as best I can and I will continue to do more. All of this is a direct reflection of my importance level. It's turned all the way up.  

Because I'm not giving up, ever.

Today was weigh day.  And I will weigh every three weeks. The next weigh day is Wednesday June 11th.
I stepped on the scale today and discovered a 25 pound loss.

25 pounds!!!!!!!!!! From 394 to 369. Hang around a while because we're going to have some fun.

I haven't been this happy about weighing 369 since I first broke 370 during my initial 275 pound loss.  And that's an important point.  Because not only am I headed in the right direction physically, my perspective is also pointed in the right direction.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

I failed to mention my brush with law enforcement last evening.  I was in too much of a hurry to get to the YMCA. I was in a 40 mph zone and when it switched to a 30 mph zone, I kept going 37 mph. The officer asked for my license and insurance verification and much to my surprise, both had expired 04/30/2014.  I had insurance, of course, I just didn't have a current verification. I received a warning for the speeding and two citations for the other offenses. The officer told me to present proof of both, and the tickets would be dismissed. This meant two stops this morning, one to the insurance office and one to the tag agency where they issue the new drivers license. Both citations were dismissed.

I have the last three licenses and each picture shows a different stage of my transformation. The last was taken at 258 pounds. It was the first time my license reflected the truth about my weight.  The weights on my licenses have always showed a number between 50 and 108 pounds less than reality.  But not the last one--and I was so proud of that license because of what it represented. I was proud and confident in it and the weight displayed was accurate for a change. I didn't want to part with it today.  Luckily, I didn't have to. The new photo shows my considerable weight gain and since I unintentionally forgot to remind them--they left the weight as 258.  Oh well. As I once again achieve an optimal healthy weight, I'll have it redone to reflect the changes. Remember this photo?

I had a co-worker put this together for me in 2010. She is much more computer savvy than I am. She knew how to get rid of the critical information. I don't know how or I would add the new picture to these. The more I thought about all of the energy I was giving this new license thing, specifically the required photo, the more I started thinking on a deeper level.

I felt a slight twinge of shame, regret and embarrassment at the tag office today. It's lessened considerably since getting firmly back on track. But it's still there. 

Then, I had an epiphany on the way to the YMCA tonight. Why in the world should I ever allow the shape of my face or the size of my pants determine my self worth? This isn't how I treat others, so why would I treat me that way? 

And then I started thinking about the differences between how I felt about me at 505 and how I felt at 230 and that's when I experienced a breakthrough in my thinking. In that moment I imagined the scales of justice. On one side was my love for the non-physical parts (my mind, my sense of humor, my talents, my heart, my natural compassion for others, my ability to communicate, etc.) and the other side of the scale was my love for things physical about me. 

The personal injustice has been the obvious imbalance and distribution of my love for self.  At my heaviest, I had nearly zero love for the physical and what little love I had for the non-physical was small, barely existent and unacknowledged because I was too busy hating the way I looked. At my healthiest weight, I still paid little attention to the non-physical attributes because I was too busy loving the way I looked.  Throughout my entire life I've largely ignored the important things that make me who I am. My most intense focus was either hating the way I looked or loving the way I looked. With this narrow minded perspective, the only source of identity and self-worth remaining relied almost exclusively on my appearance. It isn't any wonder why I've limited myself over the years.  Even worse is the natural tendency to project this fluctuating self-perspective onto others, as in, if I feel this way about me, surely they do too. 

When I think about my closest loved ones, I realize their perspective of me is never conditional based on appearance. When I spend time with mom, she doesn't even notice the weight gain, she just sees her son. When I pick up my grandson and he looks at me and smiles, it's an innate understanding that I'm someone who loves him deeply and will protect and care for him no matter what. When I spend time with my daughters, it's clear their love for me isn't placed on a scale, ever.

And then I realized: This is what they mean when they say you must love yourself first before you can fully experience and appreciate the love and richness of life. Oh my goodness, I feel like shedding tears just writing these words. 

If I was confused before, it was very clear now. I'm a great person worthy of love regardless of my size and appearance. I have my mind, sense of humor, talents, a big heart, loads of compassion for others and so very much more. And none of it is diminished with weight gain or increased with weight loss. 

I am me, always.

And my journey will continue toward a healthier weight because I want to live, I want to move easier, I want to experience the freedom a healthy body weight provides. Regardless of how this journey goes, I believe I just discovered one of my greatest personal freedoms of all.  

All of this was processed over a ten minute period as I drove to my workout tonight, as if by divine placement in my brain, an answer to my unspoken, silent plea, why do I feel this way??

I walked into the YMCA tonight with a confidence I haven't felt in a very long time. I climbed aboard the orange trimmed elliptical and proceeded to have my best personal workout, possibly ever. My stride was longer. Within the mechanics of the machine, I was sprinting. And this energy never subsided. Last night I stopped ten minutes earlier than planned. Tonight, I could have easily done another twenty.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean       

Mom and Me-Mothers Day 2014          

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning.  It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon.  I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me.  It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day.  Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.

My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three.  What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain.  After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today.  A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right.  I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller.  I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.

It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success.  I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be.  It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day.  When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour.  My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment.  And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.

I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey.  I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey.  See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson

I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today.  I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk.  I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits.  I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me.  Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.

I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles.  I might need to consider a new pair of shoes.  The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up.  This could be interesting.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 8th, 2014 Panic!

May 8th, 2014 Panic!

Today was a good day, although a little more challenging.  It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.

I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.

This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd.  I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all.  I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give.  I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be.  So I said yes.

I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion.  And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage.  Then I started having a panic attack.  I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days.  I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...

After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight.  I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...

As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan.  They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music.  Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"

Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.

Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there.  I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script.  I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra. 

I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.

I finished and immediately left the venue.  I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting.  Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night.  My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling.  I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.

The road back seems much harder than the initial trip.  But I'm loving it and learning through it.  And I'm going to make it just fine.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean    

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

Today was a tough one. It wasn't tough with food and exercise, I did stay within budget and I had a good 1.7 mile walk this morning.  It was tough because I made a trip to buy some clothes to get me through.  I hated to spend money on clothing I know I'll be too small for in a month, but I needed them, so I did it.

Subjunctive thoughts plagued me today, you know the "if only, had I just done X, coulda, woulda, shouda" line of thinking.

Inside that painful box known as the dressing room, surrounded by mirrors revealing the reality that is, I couldn't help but think about my positive plans, hopes and dreams as they once were and then wonder how I ended up back here, looking at a much larger body as if it were a stranger, but knowing it was me...it was all of me. And how did I not realize how far I was heading back?  I foolishly believed one more day wouldn't hurt, but in that line of thinking, the ONE day needed is put off until reality slaps you hard. I've had several of those slaps along the way.  And it hurts.

As I was trying on and rejecting articles of clothing for various reasons, namely because of size, the only comforting thought was that I'm headed in the correct direction once again.  And with that thought comes a fierce determination to never see those Destination XL employees again.  Nothing personal toward them...Just, you know.

I settled on a few items and made my way to the counter and another thought occurred to me. I must immediately re-frame my thoughts on this whole situation.

Subjunctive phrasing and thinking is fun and exciting when it's applied to the future because it encourages positive hypothetical thoughts.  When it's directed to the past, it opens up a plethora of opportunities to feel very negative things.  No more of that nonsense.  Did you know some languages never use subjunctives in their language and grammar?  So these type of thoughts never occur to them. They literally don't understand the idea of "If only I had done this, things would be different." In languages void of this, they simply live today, never wandering into the land of "shoulda, woulda, coulda." It's not that they don't understand consequences, they do, but they don't dwell on the imagined consequences of things that never occurred.

If you're like me, someone who's been on both sides of the scale, then you'll get this: We've had one of the rarest opportunities--the experience of transforming into what appears to be a completely different person. But here's the deal--the core of who we are doesn't change. I'm not saying it can't change, of course it can--but these inner changes aren't dependent on diet and exercise.  With good eating and exercise, the appearance changes--the outside, sure--but we're still who we are. And that is who we must love.

I talked to mom on the phone today and explained what I was doing and why and how I was feeling about it and her first question was, "Did you gain weight?"  She loves me regardless of my size, to the point of not even seeing the difference.  She loved 505 pound Sean just as much as 230 pound Sean because she has unconditional love for me.  That doesn't mean she doesn't want me to be healthy, she certainly does, but when she sees me she doesn't see a weight, she sees her son.  And this is what I must do. I must love myself unconditionally, regardless of weight or appearance--simply because I'm me. Anything less and we get all of this negative mental noise plaguing our efforts, weighing us down and making our travels along this road harder than it needs to be.

I know I've written about this self-love and acceptance topic many times and just when I get to the point of thinking I have an honest handle on it, I walk into the dressing room of a big and tall store and I forget everything.

The point of developing the habits, routines and discipline to achieve and maintain a healthy weight can't be because we'll love and accept ourselves more. That part must be a separate deal--a separate work and understanding. Getting to a number on a scale doesn't change the most important element needed for our continued success: A truce, an embrace--an unconditional love of self anchored in our own personal spirituality.  We get that part straight and I believe the body follows the mind.

Perhaps I needed to gain back a portion of what I lost in order for me to learn and deeply understand these things.

I enjoyed a nice walk this morning. It's rare for me to walk in the AM. It felt so good to be out there moving, listening to my favorite music and feeling good about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.  I'm staying connected and that's a big deal.  I'm making me a priority, even more so than before.  I'm taking care the best I can today.  I'm not perfect by any stretch, I'm just me... And ME is going to be alright.

Food was really good today...Oh my, from an amazing turkey melt omelet, to fresh fruit snacking while driving, to the Chipotle visit for a post shopping dinner...I ate well and stayed comfortably within my budget.
If you're interested, you can check out my food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username SeanAAnderson.  And for food pictures, visit me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson

I've had several remind me they don't do twitter, however you can still see the page without an account--simply click on www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  I'm using Twitter and MyFitnessPal this way in order to amp up the accountability factor.  It works very well for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

I slept horribly last night. I made it to work looking half dead on a morning I needed to be at my best and somehow I made it through and did well.  I had nine in studio guests and one special co-host this morning. I have no idea how I got through the show. I suppose after 26 years I've learned how to "fake it" when I'm not feeling my best.  I doubt anyone listening could tell, and that's good.  My in studio guests had to have noticed; I was rough.

I've employed the same strategy with this sleep issue.  It's something I should have addressed a very long time ago, instead I put it off--pretended to be okay, sought therapy and when it didn't work, carried on pretending I could be fine, while the effects of sleep deprivation were wreaking havoc on me in multiple ways.  Just as we say "never give up" with our weight loss efforts, I declared the same on this sleep disorder.  I reached a point where it was breaking me down, making everything harder and becoming an immediate hazard to everything important in my world.

Yesterday I ran around trying to get everything done and I missed my opportunity to get my sleep monitor reading and some kind of suggested solution. Today I did make it in and the statistics clearly supported the obvious effects on my face, or is it the other way around?  Anyway, for whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mouth closed during the night--and that's a must with most cpap masks.  An open mouth, even just a slight bit, is enough for the positive air pressure to escape thus rendering the therapy pretty much useless. Tonight I'll try a full face mask. I can't wait to experience the difference good sleep will make in my day to day.  It really doesn't matter if my mouth droops open while using the full mask. Considering I've been a lifelong nighttime drooling kind of guy, I probably should have had a full mask from day 1.

It's strange to say what I'm about to say, but I'll say it because it's true: I didn't feel much like eating today.  I know! Strange! I fell a little short of my 1700 calorie budget, checking in at 1544.  I didn't do a mid-morning or mid-afternoon snack. The urge to eat didn't occur. I still ate well today.  Despite feeling completely exhausted, I held my ground on food--because I wasn't having any compulsions to do otherwise.  That's a good thing.  I don't understand it, but I'm not complaining.

You're invited to take a peek at my daily food pics on Twitter. Most all of them get posted--simply follow @SeanAAnderson
My corresponding food and exercise diary is online too at MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

The best thing I can do right now is fall into bed.

Goodnight and thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Redefining Our Line

Redefining Our Line

Do we feel “right at home?” To be where we are and remain here, is to live around the line of least resistance, or so we might believe. But is our place at this line really easy? 

It's familiar, yes. On many levels, even comforting, because it's what we know. But is it easy when you consider all we sacrifice in its maintenance? 

Our identity, our social interactions and our inter-personal relationships all lean heavily against us wandering too far from the line we've called home. And when we decide to change, moving away from this place can be scary. 

We gradually realize the potential effects of this liberation from what is known, transforms much more than what's on the surface; our bodies and wardrobes. 

Is it easy at this line or have we simply become accustomed to adapting as needed to accommodate and preserve our place? 

When we regain, is it in part a subconscious retreat to familiar surroundings? 

In my opinion, the heart of the matter lies in what we choose to find and maintain a semblance of comfort and peace. And what we choose often lies to us in its promise. Excess food, or excess anything, might keep us “safe,” but it doesn't make anything easy and it doesn't fix anything. 

To choose change is brave, requiring large amounts of faith and commitment. Change isn't hard simply because it's different, it's just not familiar. The only way it becomes familiar is through practice. 

We redefine our line. 

And along the way we find ourselves transforming in ways we didn't expect. The line of least resistance isn't easy to maintain. It is familiar and that provides an illusion of ease. 

Perhaps it isn't the line of least resistance—maybe it's the line of familiarity. 

And if we can embrace the changes we desire long enough to become familiar and understanding, then perhaps we can change the base line we call home.

Peace and strength,

Sean

Of Clarity and Perspective

Of Clarity and Perspective

Just a day after my Monday appointment, I received the call about my sleep study results, including the pressure needed and the home health prescription. The same day, the home health place called and starting working on my insurance company about getting me a new machine.  More on that in a moment!

Wednesday I transported mom to her eye specialist in Oklahoma City. I've been preoccupied during so many visits with mom and she notices every time (call it a mother's intuition). I can't count the times she's asked, "What's wrong, son?" or "Is everything okay?" And most of the time I would sugar coat my answer in an attempt to save her from worry. But she knew. She always knows when I'm "out of alignment" with my truest self. And instead of me "saving her" from worry by clamming up, her concern becomes amplified, because now she must play a guessing game as to what's wrong with her son.

Something was very different during this time we spent together. The difference maker is, I'm taking good care and I'm on the right track. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm maintaining a calorie budget again and I'm dealing with all stressful triggers head on, instead of ignoring them and simply managing the stress they create. We all know how I choose to manage stress. In other words, I'm taking charge of my life on different levels. I'm treating the root cause and not just managing the symptoms, if you will. My preferred treatment of "symptoms" is to eat, and eat some more, taking a temporary escape route where nothing is solved, only made worse by the added guilt and shame that floods in after the brief hiatus from caring. At that point, everything negative is magnified, the result of my natural coping mechanism.

It isn't easy to break away from these dynamics. Not easy at all. But when we declare our independence from these ingrained ways, positive things start clicking and we have some of the purest interactions with the ones we love.  My trip with mom on Wednesday was one of the best we've had. Mom's eyes are doing great, by the way. Again--no surgery needed and another checkup was set for late June. Mom said "I've laughed more this morning than I have in a very long time." I live to see that woman smile and her laugh is music to my ears. We discussed issues important to both of us, with some serious points along the way, but for the most part, we enjoyed observational humor and improvised "stand-up." It was pure joy to laugh so hard and feel so free and once again enjoy our time together, instead of being preoccupied with the countless distractions the quicksand of a downward spiral brings about.

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Getting the call from the home health supply place was good. A new machine with precisely the settings I needed was waiting for me. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed this paper attached to the wall:



I can personally attest to most of this list. If my recent doctors check up is any indication, I may have dodged the cardiovascular health issue, at least for now. It would have become a much more serious issue had I let it go, unchecked and rampant, without putting on the brakes and admitting it needed immediate attention.

I left their office with a new machine and a truckload of hope and anticipation of the incredible differences being properly rested will bring. I've had three nights on this new machine and the difference is profound. It isn't perfect as I try to get accustomed to a new headgear and mask, but even with this adjustment period, I still feel more rested than I have in three years. Exactly as I hoped.

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A little more than a month ago, I received a message from a man who said he wanted to meet and talk about his weight issues. He told me we had communicated once before about this, but now more than ever, he was ready to sit down and discuss how to start, because like many of us at one time or another, he was stuck in the place where the question "Where and how do I start" weighs heavier than any number we've seen on a scale.  We set a time to meet face to face at the studio and we talked for a while before walking to Subway for a low calorie dinner. If you condensed the resolution to our discussion down to three words, it was "keep it simple."

We met up again Thursday evening and it was a different man in front of me. He was thrilled with the simplicity of using My Fitness Pal for calorie counting. He had been maintaining his calorie budget despite an upside down schedule and a high stress kind of job that takes him to the streets of North Tulsa five nights a week. His recent doctors appointment showed a loss of 6 pounds. He's gained a confidence, calm and patience that was shining through with every word and expression.

He thanked me for taking the time to meet with him again and discussing this road we both travel. And I thanked him. Because let me tell you something---as much as he thinks I'm doing him a favor...he's doing me one equally significant. The support we give and receive is so crucial to our success. And he's the one doing this. He's the one shifting his perspective and making the big and small adjustments. He's the one inspiring, not only me, but everyone around him. He has a very positive road ahead and I'm honored to be riding shotgun.

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I received an email today from someone who has devoted the last several years to his education and in that pursuit has accomplished his goal of starting a profession that will serve him and many others for the rest of his life. As he prepares for the most difficult final exam of his new career, he was questioning if his reluctance to fully commit to losing weight and the better health it provides was justified or if using his intense education schedule as the barrier, was simply a "cop out." I spent some time thinking about and composing my reply and I think it's something very important to remember:

Whether it's a cop out or not depends on your perspective. My opinion is, it's a valid reason. That's my perspective. And there's a good reason for this perspective.

We both know that it was/is completely possible to take care of our calorie budget and exercise no matter the circumstances. I think we both agree there's a place, a zone that exist, where it doesn't matter...nothing penetrates...no stress, situation, emotion, nothing...nothing, nothing stands in the way... And that's all well and good, except it's missing something.

It's missing the element of self-compassion. When we're in that zone, we set the bar so high that suddenly any deviation whatsoever--even if not acted upon....yes, any deviation, even in thought---becomes a target for self-ridicule and negative emotions.  And that negativity starts an unraveling, then suddenly we feel like we're a million miles away again. This dynamic starts with a resolve based on perfection. Not necessarily perfection in our choices...but perfection in our consistent ability to maintain the budget and exercise.  When our thoughts and actions fail to live up to this level of perfection, we turn on ourselves with blame, guilt and shame...

We must include a level of compassion for ourselves.

I believe the pursuit isn't perfection, it's pursuit of a balance. That balance we're looking for is a place where eating good and exercising naturally becomes part of our daily lives, no matter what we're experiencing. And we accept that it doesn't need to be perfect. We accept that we shouldn't label every circumstance an "excuse" or "cop out." And we know the difference because we're intelligent people. In this "compassionate state," I believe we're actually able to accomplish more than we did before and in a more solid, sustainable fashion--because we're not sabotaging our emotions with negativity.  So the simple answer to your question is, no, it's not a cop out. 

This issue has been a big factor for me this time. This whole self-compassion dynamic has been key for me the last six weeks. I'm practicing compassion and I'm finding balance and success. It's like I'm learning to crawl again, lifting myself up and eventually walk again and then, I will run again. The pressure to be "perfect" has been dismissed, replaced by the ruling majority of better choices and taking one day at a time, one step at a time. And I'll get to where I envision and I'll arrive stronger than I ever imagined.

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Proud grandfather alert!!!
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The video below is my grandson Noah a day after he figured out how to crawl. He too is off to the races and soon he'll be walking, running and jumping. He doesn't ever have impatient thoughts about his development, because he hasn't developed the references needed to form and qualify them. Instead, he happily, confidently and patiently proceeds, doing his best...growing and learning, and progressing on a schedule unique to him. My tender connection to him was never more profound as it was while watching him become emotional and fight against taking his medicine. Without thought, my lip started to quiver and emotion swept through me, as if we had transmitting cables connected between us, feeling each others emotion on the deepest level. Dear Lord, I love that boy.

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Now that I'm feeling better rested, it's time to exercise more regularly. That's my plan as I continue on, maintaining my 1700 calorie budget. Giving and receiving support is a must-have element to my success. I'd love for you to connect with me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) and My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson).

I'm teaming up once again with Gerri Helms to offer a weekly conference call support group where our small group gets on the phone and we talk about this road, we set individual goals, we share stories and we offer one another tremendous support. This group starts Tuesday March 4th at 7pm Central and every Tuesday after for 6 weeks. The group chemistry that naturally develops through our shared pursuits and struggles, is significantly positive. We still have some spots available in this group if you're interested. For more information, simply send me an email: Sean@transformationroad.com

Thank you for reading and your tremendous support,
Strength,
Sean