July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

I'm usually well prepared. I woke up this morning to not a single egg in the fridge. I enjoy starting my day with eggs of some kind and fruit. My breakfasts are nearly the same most mornings, with slight variations. If it's an omelet, what's inside might change. The eggs seem to keep me satisfied longer. My back up plan this morning was steel cut oats with diced apple and cinnamon. It was good, but not exactly what I planned. And that seemed to be the theme of the day.

It was mid-morning when I realized I was out of lunch items in the employee fridge, so I ran home and prepared a good lunch. On the way back I had a front end blowout just as I was pulling into a parking space at the downtown studios. My back up plan was the station remote vehicle because I couldn't use my spare. I called the tire place and made arrangements to get my car fixed tomorrow. This wasn't exactly what I planned.

I was very tired by the time I got home mid-afternoon. I decided a good nap before spinning class was a great idea. I had been looking forward to spinning class all day long, even though it will likely be the toughest workout I've endured to date. I'm genuinely excited to climb back on the cycle because I know what it does to my body. It's good. I set my excessively loud radio alarm clock for 4pm. This would be a solid hour and fifteen minute nap. I turned on the NPR Fresh Air podcast and set the sleep timer for ten minutes. I don't think I lasted three minutes. I was out and sleeping deep, as sound as I possibly could. I was sleeping well. So much so, that when the alarm started blaring (loud enough to likely be heard in adjacent apartments), I didn't budge.

With the radio volume blaring as loud as it goes, filling my entire apartment with noise, Mother Nature decided to lend a hand with a big thunderstorm...still, I peacefully slept. When I finally opened my eyes at 5:08pm, I was disoriented and frantic. The alarm had automatically shut itself off after an hour of rockin' my pad and the thunderstorm was still rolling. The immediate urgency of the weather (which I should have been covering live in-studio) and the list of warning notifications on my phone had me frantically dialing a colleague, hoping and praying she was on the air in my place. And she was. Thank goodness. At 5:11pm I sat on the side of my bed and realized there wasn't any way I could make the 5:30 pm spinning class. Had I been awake, I still wouldn't have made it to the class because I would have been on the air covering this pop up thunderstorm. I decided to pull myself together and get into the YMCA for my regular elliptical workout. I grabbed some turkey and cheese for a pre-workout snack and headed out. It was good, but not exactly what I planned.

The entire day wasn't exactly what I had planned and yet it was still a great day. I had moments of frustration. I experienced potential temptation when a co-worker generously and innocently gave me a small Italian pastry she picked up from Starbucks (I re-gifted it to the break room where it's anyone's treat--anyone but me). I now know I must get new tires tomorrow--that's an unexpected expense--slightly stressful and I had genuine disappointment in missing the spinning class. And of course the incredible stress of waking up in the middle of an unexpected summer time thunderstorm when I was supposed to be in studio and on the air covering it, instead of sleeping through it. 

Through it all, I somehow maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, had a great workout on the elliptical and enjoyed a fantastic home cooked dinner before making my way to the store for a long overdue grocery shopping trip.

I'll have my favorite eggs in the morning. I'll get tires tomorrow. I'll climb aboard the spin cycle for an intense workout tomorrow (unless Mother Nature calls me into work). It's all good. And then, as a nice punctuation to an otherwise out of sync day, this happened:

As I made my way out of the YMCA a very nice lady spoke to me. I was still firmly in the grip of an 80's music party in my head, but I could tell she was speaking to me, so I removed an ear bud. She told me she reads my blog everyday and that she's proud of me. She said that what I do was inspiring to her. She expressed how she sincerely appreciates the decision to include the meal tweets in this daily blog because she doesn't do Twitter. She told me we had a mutual friend in Cathy at the hospital. She also said she's already lost 25 pounds. I congratulated her and thanked her for the kind words, then we wished each other well as we continued on toward the parking lot. An encounter like that lights me up like hardly anything else. It inspires me even more and reconfirms that what I'm doing is important, not just to me, but to others. And that's a feeling so good, it's hard to describe. I sat in the big station vehicle for a moment, turned off Billy Idol and gathered my thoughts. This was exactly the way my day needed to go. It was perfect, really. You see...

Having steel cut oats and fruit as a backup breakfast reminded me how fortunate I am to have good food ready to go. Having a blowout at 5 mph as I pulled into a parking space at work was a blessing. If that tire had decided to give way on Highway 177 last night, it could have resulted in a tragic accident. And if I hadn't over-slept my nap and the storm wouldn't have happened, I would have been in that spinning class today and I wouldn't have met the nice lady on my way out of the Y tonight. Oh--and I forgot to mention how I ran into Andy, the spin class instructor at the grocery store. I had a wonderful conversation with him about the class and weight loss. It was perfect and had my day been aligned differently, this delightful grocery store visit wouldn't have happened.

A good or bad day isn't necessarily dependent on the things that happen, it's decided by the perspective and attitude I choose. Today was a great day even though it wasn't exactly what I planned.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Today's meal tweets:

Woke up realizing I forgot to stop by the store. No eggs! Steel cut oats instead (1.5 srv) w/apple & cinn. 313 cal. pic.twitter.com/lFAKtlTRGL
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 14, 2014

Turkey (1.5 srv) and mozzarella on a Joseph's pita with 1.25 srv rice chips, medium orange. 475 cal. #lunchtime pic.twitter.com/8VNKHUGsRv
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 14, 2014

Grilled chick.brst (6oz), grilled onions, peppers & squash w/a light coating-olive oil. Roasted red pot. 509 cal. pic.twitter.com/yYSpkFcKyI
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 15, 2014

Bonus Tweet: The grocery shopping trip...

It's too late for me to be shopping! Grocery trip. This will take care of me for a little while. pic.twitter.com/HiO3Ji6MiH
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 15, 2014

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

Today was mine. All mine. I mentioned last night how I planned to sleep in and I did! I slept late until almost 11am! It was so good, so refreshing, solid sleep. I needed it and I took it! I had a rare Saturday off. No schedule, nowhere to be--just a day for me. It was nice, but one thing was missing: The structure of a schedule.

As confident as I am, as determined and spirited as I can be--still, the idea of having a day absent of structure in schedule was slightly worrisome. I'm up at 4:30am on a typical work day. I prepare breakfast and snacks, and depending on what I've kept in the fridge at work, I might pack something for lunch. I make sure I have everything I need food wise to get me through until late afternoon. The only variables remaining is a late afternoon snack, dinner and my #lastfoodofday. The structure of the schedule acts like gutter protectors used for little kids' bowling parties. 

On a day like today, the gutter protectors are pulled back and I must rely on my instincts to navigate the day as I create a schedule on the fly, without slipping into the gutter. I feel like I almost bowled a perfect game today without the gutter protectors. The only "complaint" I have is, often when I combine breakfast and lunch, I end up short on my calorie budget by the end of the day. I put quotations around the word complaint, because really--I have no real complaints. Things are going really well lately. I did end up with over 300 calories remaining for my #lastfoodofday, so I decided a sirloin and swiss melt dry-grilled (Foreman grill) sandwich on a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita with a side of cantaloupe would do just fine. And it was wonderful. Never mind that it was midnight. It's almost 1am as I write this post, so it's not like I consumed the 289 calories and immediately dropped in bed.

The accountability system I've put in place is working wonders for me. This system plays a big role in keeping me "surrounded" by wonderful supportive people like you! I never feel alone, even when it's just me and a kitchen full of food and all day to do nothing if I so choose.

Of course I took advantage of the extra time to get creative in the kitchen. I'm starting to get super passionate about cooking and experimenting with different foods and calorie values. My brunch today was one of those experiments.

Brunch! Crepe style eggs stuffed w/Swiss and a green chili cream sauce, with avocado, strwberrs, cantaloupe. 535 cal. pic.twitter.com/LNrqDhN202
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 21, 2014

When I'm super proud of something, I'll also post it to my facebook page. Karsten, who has lost an incredible amount of weight and is still losing, commented that for him, the count was too high for a single meal. So I offered some modifications: "...totally understand your concern! Since I was combining breakfast and lunch, I opted for a higher count on this. The great thing is, it could be modified easily... Using two egg whites instead of four would make each crepe style omelet thinner, but still good--using 1/2 serv of sour cream would allow the flavor of the green chili sauce to come through better, using only one slice of swiss, cut in half--instead of two full slices wouldn't have had much impact on flavor or texture either...1/2 the avocado is an easy cal cutting strategy and of course 1/2 the fruit too... If all of these suggestions were followed, this delicious brunch would have checked in at a very reasonable 313 calories. Delish!!"

The green chili cream sauce is simple--just mix 30g (40cal) of light sour cream with four tablespoons of green chili taco sauce. The flavor of the sauce, the melted swiss and the avocado made this meatless brunch out of this world good!

I spent a good amount of time reading and commenting on blogs, catching up on emails and I even exchanged some support texts with a friend. When I stay connected with my weight loss blogging friends, I get a real sense of community. We are strong!! By the way--if you have a weight loss blog and you're not sure if I have it on my blogroll or not, please leave a comment with the address to your blog. I'd love to check it out!

I'm excited to announce that a change in design is coming to this blog. You might say, "Sean--seriously, let it go--the person who called your blog ugly was being shallow and harsh. Stop taking it so personal." And I get that. Although the comment was the epitome of superficial and rather harsh, the anonymous poster did refer to the content as "interesting," before slamming the layout and design. I'll take that as a positive. Anyway, my point is--I heard from a bunch of people concerning this comment. Since I have an open mind and I'm willing to admit when good points are made, contrary to my own--I listen. And it benefits me in wonderful ways. I've always focused on content, not aesthetics. My attitude has always been: If the message is real and honest--helps me by getting it out and onto the page--and if it helps someone else, that's a bonus--but really, if it accomplishes all of that--then who cares what it looks like? 

Some good points were made. People whom I respect and admire said things like, "I look forward to reading each entry, but because of the layout and design, it is a little hard to read sometimes." Then I opened a wonderful email from a long time supporter and fellow blogger who just happens to be a very talented artist too and she showed me a wonderful mock up of a design. It was absolutely perfect. And she put some considerable thought into it. On the proposed design, she writes:

Colors & design: Down to earth, simple, clean and straightforward, like you.

Fonts: Casual handwriting at top, nothing pretentious; then American Typewriter for intro, like an old journal entry.

Pen: Old and well worn, used a lot for this journey.

Logo: CHOOSE CHANGE, forged steel look; iron-clad determination; forged in the fire of trials & triumphs.

I'm beside myself excited about the upcoming change! It'll take a little while, maybe a few weeks. When it's ready, you'll know it because this blog will look amazing and be much easier on the eyes; easier to read.

When it's done, I'll reveal the artist behind the design, reintroducing you to one of my favorite people in blogland! All of the content and features will remain the same, only the colors and design will change.

I enjoyed a wonderful workout at the YMCA this afternoon. I sometimes like to pick a day to skip the workout and usually it falls on the weekend--and today would have been a decent day to skip, but I was feeling so good, I wanted to feel even better and a good workout always gives me a boost. I'm glad I decided to go. Arriving at the facility an hour before closing time on a Saturday is perfect because it's like you have the entire place to yourself. I really cut loose on the lip syncing this afternoon. It was fun!

I received a text from a longtime friend this evening. He and his dad were in town for dinner and he wanted to know if I was available for a visit. I first met this friend when he was 12 or 13 years old and I was 19 or 20, maybe 21, I can't remember. His dad owned a radio station and I was applying for a job. Dave didn't like me at first, the new guy hired by his dad--but over the years, he softened and a relationship of mutual respect developed. I was there at his Eagle Scout ceremony and years later at his beautiful wedding. He's one of those people who naturally inspires you to be a better person, simply by being himself. Him and his dad both--great people. Oh, by the way-"the kid" Dave, is now an Emmy award winning television producer. I'm so very proud of him. I love these two guys. What a wonderful surprise to have them both a short drive away. We met at the studios downtown and had the most amazing visit. They both wanted to see Team Radio's state of the art studios built into an old historic (1927) vaudevillian theatre. We reminisced about the old days and laughed so much. It was an absolute pleasure. My only regret is, we didn't all mic up and record the conversation. It was that much fun. 

One of the things I recognized afterward, was the level of joy the visit brought me and how my current state of peace and calm certainly contributed to my ability to relax, be myself and enjoy the moments. In the middle of the darkness that surrounds extreme struggle, I wouldn't have been as receptive to the visit. I may not have even replied to the text message. It wouldn't have been anything personal toward them--it would have been me, waist deep in my own misery--isolating and not wanting to see anyone I didn't absolutely have to see. Isn't it interesting, the domino effect of feeling good about ourselves and who we are, what we're all about? It makes the things that bring us joy, even better. Everything is enhanced. It hasn't anything to do with the food and exercise, and everything to do with the identity/self-worth epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post.

My Sean Day was a good one. I finished the day just under budget. I flexed my creative side in the kitchen. I exercised. I reached out in support of others (this element helps me too, tremendously). And I paused long enough to express thanks and gratitude for where I am today, with a prayer that I remain firmly on track.

If you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My user name is SeanAAnderson. I use it to log all of my food and exercise--and it's updated with accurate weight loss statistics.  My food diary is set to public, so if you see a food picture I've tweeted and you're curious about the ingredients and precise amounts used, it's all there! The one thing I rarely do on MyFitnessPal is interact. I've allowed myself to not be overly worried about this--because I am very active on facebook, twitter and this blog--so social media wise, I feel like I'm doing the best and most I can at this time. 

If you're into food pictures and calorie counts, my Live-Tweet twitter feed of everything I eat might be right up your alley. It's certainly not for everybody! The purpose of it isn't to be an example or anything like that--if you're a regular reader, you know my food philosophy--we're all different... and what I like, you may not. I maintain the Twitter feed for my own benefit. This accountability tool has been a giant difference maker for me of late. It's inspired me to not only eat better, but to slow down and enjoy my food more.  If you're interested in the Twitter feed, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a Twitter account to view the page and tweet history, only to interact.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

------------------------------------------------

Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 15th, 2014 A Very Blessed Father's Day

June 15th, 2014 A Very Blessed Father's Day

I started the day with a good cup of coffee and a phone call to my dad. Dad and I don't talk enough, really. It was a good conversation and it ended with both of us vowing to make an effort to see each other again soon. I felt better having called and he expressed how much it meant to him, and that was a good start to my Father's Day.

I'm dog sitting for a friend for the next few days. I requested full access to his large "gourmet" kitchen as part of the deal. My apartment kitchen is small and I do well with what I have, but this bigger kitchen is a lot of fun. If you ever notice different plates and table settings accompanying my food and exercise Twitter feed, you'll know--I'm dog sitting.

I treated myself to a fantastic brunch today.

Steak N eggs! 5.4 oz lean sirloin, 3 whts, 1 whl-scmbld w/mushrms, topped w/Swiss. Cantaloupe & strawberries. 639 cal pic.twitter.com/WfC6ZVHu4N
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 15, 2014

This proved to be too much food. I left food on the plate and revised the count to 589 calories. It was a hearty He-Man type breakfast for this dad!

I enjoyed dinner out with my oldest last night in celebration of Father's Day weekend. Today was another trip out, this time with both of my wonderful daughters and grandson Noah.


Noah was in awe of his surroundings and fairly excited! He's playing the drums on the table.

I've been eating out less than once a week on average for the last nearly two months. This weekend it was twice. And I'm okay with it as long as I have a plan and stick to it. And I did.  Last night I wrote about taking my food scale to the restaurant. I forgot to grab it for the trip today. Since I didn't have the luxury of my digital measuring device, I decided to be very detailed in my order. I asked the server how many ounces of chicken breast strips came in a half-order of fajitas, she immediately replied "four and a half ounces." I then expressed how important it was for the kitchen to make sure the serving was accurate. I declined the fresh made flour tortillas and real butter, I did not decline the chips and the chunky mild salsa. I counted out 12 chips and grabbed some of the fresca, and immediately calculated it in MyFitnessPal. I gave my rice and beans to Noah. I used corn tortillas instead of flour (the corn variety is almost half the calories of the flour kind), I gave away the pile of cheese on my "fixings" plate, and kept enough sour cream to smear a small amount onto each before filling with grilled chicken, onions and peppers. I used a little over half the chicken (approx. 3oz). They were easily the best chicken fajitas I've ever enjoyed.

Here's the deal:  My seemingly obsessive calculations aren't as obsessive as one might think. It's not about extreme accuracy for me. It's more about setting personal boundaries for my consumption. Calorie counting isn't an exact practice. It's almost impossible to be precisely exact with a perfect count.  When I set good personal boundaries and I'm as close as I possibly can be with the count, I feel incredible about myself. Had I walked into that restaurant today with a different attitude and without a plan, I could have easily done some damage. And it isn't about physical "damage." We're talking mental/emotional damage. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not advocating an occasional binge for me--That type of plan wouldn't work for me at all. Had I cut loose today in the name of Father's Day, the mental and emotional damage, not to mention the possible bio-chemical reactions, would have significantly trumped any possible physical damage. Suddenly, I would have been besieged with feelings of guilt and shame as a tidal wave of remorse and regret washed away this wonderful momentum I've created. The subsequent effects would eventually make dramatic contributions to the physical side of things. But that's just me.

Here's the deal part two: I'm eating well and enough to feel extremely satisfied. I'm confident in doing what feels right for me today. I'm taking immense pride in a job well done. I'm not feeling deprived in any way. The contrast between this feeling and the highly familiar feeling of not caring, is night and day. I'm caring about me on a level I've never known. Not even during my initial weight loss was I this considerate and compassionate toward myself. This feels good.

The best part of today wasn't the food. The best part was the family time. Enjoying a meal with both of my daughters, Noah, Mom, Uncle Keith, Aunt Kelli and her husband Tim was wonderful. I rarely have both of my daughters together at the same time. In fact, I'd venture to say we haven't all three shared a meal together in over a year before today. On the way home, as Noah slept and the three of us listened to music and talked, I had a few moments of clarity in reflection followed by extreme gratitude and thanks for being so blessed and so loved by my family. Amber and Courtney didn't know, but dad was getting a little misty at one point during our 42 mile trip home. It was a special day to me; just beautiful.

I got back to my friend's house to let the dogs out and realized I still had slightly over 500 calories remaining in my Calorie Bank and Trust account. This happens frequently on the weekends because I usually end up combining breakfast and lunch into one meal. If my calorie spending isn't up to at least 850 or so by dinner time, I'll likely fall short at the end of the day. It's not a bad issue to have, really. I prepared a late "breakfast for dinner" steak and swiss omelet with a few strawberries on the side. It served as my #lastfoodofday.

I jumped into my friend's workout room and onto his elliptical and...oh my... totally different style machine than I'm accustomed. I wanted to stop after 10 minutes. It was working different parts of me than my favorite at the YMCA. I pushed it to 20 minutes before calling it good. I was sweating more than when I do a full 30 at the Y. I will feel it in the morning, for sure.

If you're a dad, Happy Father's Day! I hope yours was a good one too.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 5th, 2014 The Different One In The Room

June 5th, 2014 The Different One In The Room

Planning equals preparedness and today was a perfect example for me. I had a midday two hour lunch workshop from 11:30 to 1:30. The organization hosting this event provided a free lunch to all attendees. Before I found out about the menu, I already knew what was on mine. I'm planning for success and not taking any chances. The lunch fare was Dominos Pizza. This was the lunch I prepared and packed:

Headed into a two hour training class. Free pizza provided. I'm prepared with this for me. 415 cal. #planning4success pic.twitter.com/V7XiZ4LMX3
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 5, 2014

I didn't allow any hesitation or feelings of awkwardness either. I walked in, took out my press and seal firmly wrapped and fully loaded plate and proceeded to enjoy lunch, surrounded by everyone else eating pizza on paper plates. Nobody said a word. There were a couple of looks, like what does he have there? Hey, is there fresh melon somewhere around here? It just wasn't a big deal. And that was nice. There was a time (not too long ago) I would have gone with the current and thought, free lunch, why not? And I would have had a couple slices and counted the 600 plus calories and been okay. But I'm not doing that anymore. Had I indulged in the pizza, I could have used the excuse--What was I supposed to do? I had to eat--it was two hours!  Now I understand what I'm supposed to do for me, I'm supposed to prepare and plan. The benefits go far beyond a good lunch. The positive mental effects of feeling good about my lunch and how I handled the situation, gives me a positive brain boost. And I'm patting myself on the back for not abandoning the plan because it might feel a little awkward. It wasn't an issue for me today, but had it been an issue, I would have asked myself a simple question: What's worse? Feeling a little awkward and different, but having a good lunch or doing what everyone else is doing and feeling horrible about my choice the rest of the day? This falls into the category of worrying less about what people think of me and just being me. An ironic twist to this story is, I've voiced commercials for Dominos Pizza in this area for years. Still do, in fact. ;)

I've had two long workdays in a row. I had a choice to make when I left the studio today. Workout now or later? I chose later. I wanted a light snack and a nap and that's exactly what I did. I'm very particular about the factors going into this decision. If I'm not too tired and just feeling lazy, I must admit it, get over it and hit the Y. If I genuinely feel like I need to rest and workout later, then I believe my body without question or negative mental noise.  I needed to rest this afternoon. After picking up a refill of my blood pressure medication, I did just that.

I was excited about preparing dinner all day long. A friend of mine brought in some fresh water bass her husband had caught at one of our area lakes. I hadn't tried bass, so I was thrilled to try something new.

Baked fresh water bass w/roasted pineapple, baked cinnamon pear, grilled asparagus and pink sauce. 650 cal. pic.twitter.com/syWZN3BSw4
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 6, 2014

I baked it with spices I had in the cupboard then topped it with a salsa/light sour cream mixture I call "Pink Sauce." really, it didn't need the sauce. It was out of this world good. I cooked and plated a full 12 ounces, 330 calories worth of hearty fish. I baked some fresh pineapple topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon, added some Foreman grilled asparagus and threw together a new discovery--- cinnamon baked pear!! I sliced a small pear, placed it flesh side up in a baking dish and sprinkled it with cinnamon and an all natural stevia packet. It was like candy. I couldn't believe how good the pear turned out, it was fabulously gourmet and seemed indulgently delicious. My appetizer going into this meal was a 1/2 serving of Beanito chips and pink sauce. Beanito chips are a recent find. These chips are made from 100% pinto beans. Gluten free, sugar free and everything else free...except taste--they taste pretty good, especially with the low cal dip.

I read a few blogs before heading out for the YMCA and my elliptical workout. It was clouding up as I went inside the Y and by the time I was ready to leave, an all out thunderstorm had developed. It hadn't gone severe yet, but I knew my plan to stop by Irene's house to visit with my daughters afterward would have to wait for another night. I immediately headed to the studio to cover the developing weather. The storm eventually made it to severe status and later spawned a tornado warning about 25 miles southeast of this area. I suspended weather coverage and came home nearing midnight. I was slightly foolish in thinking I could wrangle my schedule enough to get to bed at a decent hour every night because I wasn't considering severe weather season. I can do it some nights though. I created and accepted a challenge in our Tuesday group meeting to be in bed by 10pm at least three nights before the next group. Hopefully Mother Nature won't interfere with my completion of the challenge.  But when it does, I'm prepared to listen to my body when I'm tired and then rest as soon as possible, even when it means postponing my workout until later.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 2nd, 2014 Free From All That Noise

June 2nd, 2014 Free From All That Noise

I managed to get to work this morning after a short three hours sleep. I could have pushed it an extra thirty minutes, but I knew if I did I wouldn't have time to prepare breakfast. This whole thing of taking time to take better care is something fairly new, at least on this level.  Not preparing breakfast isn't an option I'm allowing. I can remember several times in a similar situation where I would navigate the choices in a drive through as best I could or run into a convenience store foraging for something I could feel good about. I have those skills should I ever need to employ them in an emergency. It wasn't an emergency this morning.

I headed home after my show for a nap before returning in the afternoon. I prepared a fantastic lunch using a Joseph's 60 calorie pita, a turkey burger, mozzarella and some all natural sweet potato fries. I've started using the George Foreman grill at work and at home to "dry grill" sandwiches--or in the case of today's lunch, the pita. The results have been fantastic. No added calories while transforming it into a different experience, so good!

I found out that Monday afternoons around 5:30pm is the busiest time for a workout at the YMCA. I was lucky to find one machine open on the row and type I prefer. I'm still able to walk in there without even the slightest hesitation or negative feeling. I hold my head high, slip in my ear buds, turn on my music and I'm gone to another world where I can do anything.  I saw several people there whom I haven't seen in some time. Still--no feelings of shame or embarrassment. That breakthrough Y trip a while back literally set me free from all that noise.

I made a small grocery trip this evening. I don't like big grocery trips. I like small-focused trips. That's what this was tonight.  I enjoyed some whole wheat pasta, just to try something different. It's been in my cupboard a while. I usually avoid pasta, but in this case, I carefully measured all ingredients--so I was confident in what I was eating. I topped it with an all natural sugar free marinara with 2oz of lean ground beef.  A side of baked mushroom cap with marinara and mozzarella and some pineapple rounded out this interesting meal.

I've reached a point where I'm calming down and taking a very nice one day at a time approach.  Am I excited for the road ahead?? Oh yeah. Very. But I'm keeping my feet on the ground and maintaining the steps important to my recovery.

I welcome you to friend me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505) and MyFitnessPal (myfitnesspal.com/seanaanderson) and of course my live-tweet Twitter account where I share pictures and calorie counts of every single thing I eat, everyday.

Speaking of, it's about time for my #lastfoodofday!

Life Coach Gerri Helms and I will kick off our next six week session of teleconference group support tomorrow night at 7 Central/8 Eastern/6 Mountain/5 Pacific. The group includes the weekly conference call, individual one-on-one attention, a private facebook group, plus email/text and call support when needed. It's truly a bargain at $60 for six weeks. If you have defined your goal for the next 6 weeks, let's get together in this group and create some outstanding additional support.
If you're interested in this awesome group, click this link: http://lifecoachgerri.com/events/your-missing-piece/ Due to technical limitations within our conference call service, this group is only available for people in the US and Canada.

Thank you for reading and your support!

My best,
Strength,
Sean

June 1st, 2014 Flipping Perspective

June 1st, 2014 Flipping Perspective

One thing I didn't write last night and I probably didn't because I've said it so many times, but it's worth repeating: I'm not an expert. I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to know all of the answers. I'm just a guy living it, experiencing it and doing my best to articulate it. And I'll always be in learning mode. As soon as we declare we've got it all figured out and there's no need to learn another thing about this journey many of us share--that's when we're at the greatest risk of being humbled, and quickly. I've been there, my friend.

I'm so grateful for the tremendous support system this blog and other social media provides. When someone tells me they're going to start blogging, I encourage them 100% and I tell them, always make sure you're doing it for you. This is important. First thing is, it's for you.  It's a powerful tool in understanding ourselves better--to write, to journal--to get it out of our head and on virtual paper, so we can see it instead of only imagining it. Images and ideas in our mind flicker and easily get replaced by whatever is distracting our attention. By writing it out, you're transforming your thoughts into something you can study in an easier way. When you share these thoughts of yours and we read it and relate--a powerful connection happens and we discover we're not alone. You helping yourself sort things out, ends up helping others sort theirs too.  But never lose sight of the ultimate purpose of your writings, to help you. If you have a blog and it isn't on my list, please leave a link in the comments so I can stop by yours too.

I stayed up super late writing last night. It was worth it for me to get yesterday's post out of my head. And it isn't finished either--I'm still going over it in my mind and putting things into practice. I slept in today, then prepared a nice brunch. I caught up on some emails and messages and I took some time to relax and meditate. Shifting my perspective from a negative to a positive has not been easy at all. After experiencing all I enjoyed at a healthy weight and then going back up the scale and sacrificing certain freedoms along the way, I was in a very negative frame of mind. Flipping that perspective into a bright and positive outlook has been an amazing experience. I'm grateful.

I made the 42 mile trip South this afternoon to visit mom and prepare a nice dinner for two. When I visit mom, it's usually a given we're going out to eat. Not today. Mom helped me in the kitchen too--and this experience was more memorable and meaningful to me than any restaurant visit. Mom was fascinated with the precise measuring and weighing of ingredients. We prepared lean ground turkey and bean tostadas with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and pink sauce (light sour cream and salsa mixture). We prepared two each with a side of pineapple and mango. The picture of this meal, along with anything and everything else I eat is on my Twitter food and exercise feed. Mom was amazed that this big, filling, deliciously satisfying meal checked in at 463 calories! I'm very blessed to have such an amazing mom.

We visited the cemetery after dinner to take some flowers to my brother Shane's grave. It's difficult to think it's been 13 years since his passing. Grandma and grandpa are right next to him too. It was a good visit to Sunset Memorial Gardens.

We enjoyed a coffee and conversation before I returned her home and headed for the lake for a 5K walk.
I had just started my walk when a severe thunderstorm watch was issued for North Central Oklahoma. I immediately contacted a co-worker who took care of getting the watch announcements on the air.  The goal was to get in my 5K walk, then drive back in time to cover storms on the air.  I was a little over a mile in when I got the call that the line was very organized and moving East/Southeast at 40 mph directly for our station's listening area. I had some time but not enough to finish this 5K. I could either try to run the rest of the 5K or turn around and walk at a quickened pace back to the car. I decided to turn around the way I came.  I did jog a little bit, maybe a minute? I did it long enough to realize I'm not there yet. I'm not quite ready for running. And that's okay.

I got back to the car and immediately headed North for my 42 mile race against Mother Nature. I beat her by 3 minutes. The first warning for Grant County was issued three minutes after I arrived.

I've talked a lot lately about getting a handle on my schedule and getting to bed at a decent time. But this is one part of my job that is always unpredictable. We cover weather 24/7. So we're always on call. It's almost 1:30am and I've got to be back here for my morning show at 6am.  I will adjust and do the best I can. I must remember to have some understanding and compassion for myself. I will likely work a split tomorrow, allowing for a long midday nap to make up for the sleep deficit tonight.

It's been a great day. I'm incredibly excited about it being June. I blogged every single day of May and to me that's a big deal! June 11th is my next weigh day and I can already tell I've lost weight. I have no idea how much...but I can feel it and see it. I've resisted taking a sneak peek. I don't own a scale at home--but it's right there at the YMCA, staring at me while I workout. And mom has a nice scale in her bathroom. But I'm a big believer in not weighing too often because of how it can affect our emotions, especially when we don't see a number we feel is fair.  Every three weeks is good for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

So what is it? When do we reach a point where we stop the slide? It's different for each of us, for sure, but there are similarities--things universal to the struggle.

I reached a point where I was gradually losing everything but weight. My sleep was so messed up.  I was always exhausted and this contributed to losing my ability and desire to care about myself. My weight gain was bringing back health issues I thought I'd experienced the last of, like high blood pressure and severe swelling in my right leg. And I was quickly running out of clothes to wear. My recovery actually started long before the current state of this journey. It was January of this year when I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't get help for my severe sleep issues, I might not ever be able to correct and recover.

Even after two sleep labs and the installation of a new cpap therapy, the struggle continued. This time it was in ways worse than the all out slide. I was sliding and then getting on track, then sliding again--then getting on track again--and over and over...and over.

In a recent Facebook micro-blog, I tried my best to describe the transition into stopping the slide...

"I've been trying to identify and best articulate the most critical element transforming extreme struggle into harmonious consistency. Having experienced both, it's a fascinating study. Sure, it's a combination of elements, but what is the one, that without, all the others become ineffective? Is it acceptance, where suddenly we embrace instead of reject? That's fine, but how do we get to a place of acceptance? I keep coming back to perspective. Dr. Wayne Dyer says it so perfectly: “When you change the way you look at things, things change.” The perspective we choose is paramount to our success, of course. Sometimes, finding the perspective that engages the gear you're looking for isn't as easy as someone saying, “change your perspective.” In my opinion, we first must identify, one by one—the mind noise and clutter that keeps our perspective in a locked position. It's mental work that's worth the effort. Because if we can get past these things and truly shift our perspective, suddenly what once seemed impossible becomes not only possible, it becomes our new everyday reality, a non-physical transformation where we can finally experience the seemingly elusive, harmonious consistency."

Dave May, A good friend of mine, who's very familiar with me and with the elements of lasting recovery, added this:

"Want. Want is first. If we don't want to change, nothing happens. Belief is second. If we don't believe we can change, nothing happens. Self awareness comes third. If we don't become aware of the inner self, the baggage of the past, the self conscious "facts" we already have in place that are working to defeat us and keep us locked into our old behavior, they will, eventually and assuredly derail any attempt to change and again, nothing happens. Change, you see is a process and there is ALWAYS a most important element. We move from one most important to the next, and sometimes we must move back to the previous most important element, which brings me to one more "most important" element: Faith. If we don't have faith, we are sure to fail. Faith that I CAN change. Faith that the mistake I just made doesn't doom me. Faith that if I get on track, or get back on track, change will come. If we lose faith, none of the other elements will matter, because we won't believe they can work. We, of course could debate the order of these elements or which is the MOST important, but after years of struggle, growth, setbacks and triumphs, I believe that is a pretty good BASE list of the "most critical elements" of transformation. Oh, and let me add one more, lest I forget it and lose all of my progress: HUMILITY. If I ever think "I've got this figured out" I will surely fail. I must remain teachable, and the first element of being teachable is a realization that I do NOT already know all that I need to know. So the list I have shared with you here is Want, Belief, Self Awareness, Faith, Humility. Odd that I should have almost forgotten humility, and then placed it last on the list. As I sit here typing, the thought occurs to me that perhaps HUMILITY should be FIRST. Perhaps that I almost didn't even think of it is the real root of my problem? Without humility NONE of the other elements could exist. I guess I don't know which is first. All I know is there are a LOT of elements to change and they are ALL the most critical. Thank you Sean for starting my day off with a good think. Now I will add a prayer to it, and I should be off to a good start."

When a point of complete and utter desperation is reached, the proverbial "rock bottom," and it's enough to get our attention--and we sincerely want out and to find our way back...then we surrender.

When I emailed Dr. Marty Lerner at Milestones in Recovery in Florida to inquire about the cost of a 30 day stay, my long and drawn out surrender was starting. When the cost prohibited me from remotely entertaining the option, I had to figure out something else and fast.

But there I go again--thinking I could do it on my own, alone--and maybe then I can lose the weight I've gained and nobody outside of the people around me everyday will be the wiser.  

I've "surrendered" before, where I threw my hands up and declared I was powerless over this and needed help. I even wrote a blog post titled "surrender," a long while back. The post included a prayer for recovery and it was powerful to me. I forgot about how I was supposed to help myself, for best results.

So what happened? Relapse happened. But why?? Because I stopped doing the things that were working for me. 

If you're rowing your boat across a large body of water and suddenly you stop rowing, what happens? You come to a stop, occasionally moving with the flow of the currents, you're at the mercy of the currents.  If you stay there long enough , you risk encountering things that could sink your boat. Then, as the buoyancy of the boat is compromised we cry out...why is this happening??? We stopped rowing. We stopped doing what was moving us forward, what was keeping us ahead of the storms.

My greatest struggles came after I disconnected from any semblance of spirituality within my journey, I stopped writing on a regular schedule, I stopped using my Calorie Bank, I stopped reaching out for support, I stopped reading what others were writing, I stopped relating to others, I stopped exercising, I stopped recognizing that emotional eating is supported by the lie that food has magical powers to fix things, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped everything. I stopped rowing my boat.  Suddenly when the storms came, I had nothing to fall back on--I had sacrificed it all.  I had isolated myself in the middle of nowhere nice. But still--the question...WHY???

The answer?? Because my pride and lack of humility kept me from accepting personal truths about my food addiction. I wanted to be normal, damn it. I just wanted to be a different type of person--you know, the kind who doesn't have food issues and is an intuitive eater and loves to exercise regularly--and maintaining a healthy weight is just something that comes natural...I wanted to be that person. Anything but me.  Why?? Because I didn't like me.  Because no matter what I did, I found a way to consider myself a failure. I filled my head with so many self-abusive thoughts that were untrue--I started believing them. The more weight I'd regain the more disdain I had for myself.  The daily mental beat downs kept me feeling defeated.  I constantly put myself in a down position. And eventually I lost the strength and will to get back up.

That is, until I accepted a change in perspective. I let go of the struggle and basically said--tell me what to do!!  Whatever it is I need to do, I'll do it.

100% of the people I've talked to who have enjoyed years and years (one with almost three decades) of uninterrupted maintenance never stopped rowing their boat. They understood, for people like us, it's something we must do for the rest of our lives. We must always be aware. Always measure and weigh our food, always take extraordinary care by maintaining an exercise schedule. Always navigate restaurants with a keen awareness of what we're ordering and doing. We must always seek support with like minded people. We must always stay connected. And another thing I've noticed about people who do what's needed for recovery--they don't eat sugar. Some even avoid wheat and flour. And they're okay with it all. In fact, they're living fuller and richer lives because of their efforts.

I've reached a point of acceptance and it feels so incredibly good.

I've written more in the last 40 days than in all of 2013 and 2012 combined. I've reconnected with my support system. I've cut out 97% of pure sugar. I've even added elements I didn't use before--like MyFitnessPal and using Twitter as a food and exercise accountability tool. I'm doing the work and it's paying off. My last weigh day showed a 25 pound loss. I haven't binged in more than 40 days and I haven't had the urge to binge either.  And I've had powerful epiphanies in regard to my identity and self worth (read my May 15th post and the one a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness.")

I'm worth the effort. I'm going to make it. So are you.

------------------------------------------
Today was another wonderful day. I took time in preparing and enjoying my food. I had an incredible workout at the YMCA and I'm looking forward to my next weigh day on June 11th. I'm feeling smaller. My clothes are loose and people are once again starting to notice the positive changes.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 25th, 2014 Human Nature

May 25th, 2014 Human Nature

Carrying all of the equipment last night made me incredibly sore today. Wow. I guess I could say I had two workouts yesterday! I gave myself a break today on my workout  and it was good. I plan on doing a 5K walk tomorrow.  Thanksgiving 2008 was the first "Anderson Family Holiday 5K," and other holiday 5K's followed, so tomorrow I'll bring it back. Not today though...my goodness. When the rain was pouring and I feared my equipment might get destroyed, I carried heavy things quickly. I didn't even think about it, I just knew I had to get them somewhere dry. The soreness isn't a, "I hurt myself" kind of soreness, it's a good kind of sore, I suppose.

Food planning went well today. If you're a regular Twitter follower of mine, thank you! The accountability the commitment creates has proven to be remarkable. Every bite, every day...picture and calorie count. I've really embraced it and had fun with it along the way.

I visited my grandson Noah today. I had him all to myself for about 45 minutes. We had a fantastic time. He motivates me and inspires me to take better care. He's going to have a very young and active grandpa, for sure! We eventually watched some SpongeBob together and it's amazing how he becomes mesmerized while watching. Courtney tells me that he eats more when there's a TV within his view.  No TV, he eats much less. SpongeBob on, he'll mindlessly open his mouth for more. Isn't that interesting?? As someone who has done a bunch of mindless eating in front of a TV screen, I see how this might be a natural human thing. I mean, really--he's 10 months. He's so fascinating and smart! And he loves my phone...loves it.

I prepared a dinner for Amber and KL this evening. It was nice sharing a meal with them. I always LOVE our conversations. I grilled some chicken thighs and drumsticks with asparagus. It was something different. That's one of the biggest challenges I've had over the course of the last month, plus--having enough variety. I like what I like and I never force myself to eat something I don't. What I do like, I tend to have it often.  Preparing something new this evening was a good practice.

One thing I've noticed lately is not being hungry between meals. I believe in the "eat something every 3-4 hours" advice, because I get how the metabolism is like a wood burning stove.  Lately though, I'm just not hungry between meals. I do find myself occasionally having a planned snack because "it's time to give my metabolism something to work with," and I suppose that's okay. I certainly don't know everything about nutrition and the science behind it all, not even close, actually. And I'd really like to keep things very simple. What are your thoughts on this topic? If you're not hungry, do you skip the snack or eat it in the name of fueling your metabolism?  I'm afraid if I only ate when I'm hungry, I'd barely hit 1,000 calories a day. I'm not complaining at all. It's just something to ponder.

This is probably one of the shortest and quickest updates in recent memory.  You're welcome to see the food I eat on Twitter (link above) and friend me on MyFitnessPal, I'm SeanAAnderson on MFP.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 23rd, 2014 It's Hard To Explain

May 23rd, 2014 It's Hard To Explain

It's hard to explain, really. This feeling of control, it's just been awhile since I felt this. It feels amazing. In the middle of the isolating and sneak eating, the binges and all that contributed to my weight gain, this seemed a million miles away. I was in deep. I'm not even sure I've accurately described just how deep. I'll try to be brief in this example:

I was on my way to a friend's house one night for a wonderful dinner. It was to be a nicely balanced, calorie friendly meal and of course I was on my best food behavior.  "No, thank you--no dessert for me!" What my friend and not another soul didn't know, was how I was lusting for a binge while driving across town for this dinner. And I wasn't salivating for the meal I was about to consume, I was fantasizing about the giant double cheeseburger and large ice cream shake I planned on buying later, after dinner. Now, take that actual happening and multiply it by, hmmmm... I don't know... a lot.

The kid at the drive-through had no idea he was playing the part of my dealer. Like a paranoid drug addict, I would literally look from side to side, back and forth--making sure nobody caught me while exchanging the money for the goods. I always waited to insert the straw into the shake until I was safely undercover, far from the well lit main drag, on the darkened residential back streets that lead back to my dungeon, I mean apartment. 

Driving slow and sucking in the first tastes of that high calorie dose of sugar and fat was always the best. Then, with each additional mouthful, it just wasn't as good.  Maybe I started mixing some guilt into that shake and a dash or two of shame. When the cup was empty, I'd feel like I was about to burst--completely miserable. The negative inner dialogue was relentless. Then, as if making a new deal with my abusive thoughts (I'd tell myself anything to make them stop), I'd sit in my recliner and promise myself it had been the last time. No more, no more, no more...because maybe if I grab control now, nobody will be the wiser about this--I'll return to my healthiest weight and take these dark secrets to my grave.  The next time would also be my last until the next time and so on. So much for taking the secrets to my grave. Weight gain is terrible at keeping secrets.

A wise person once said "You're only as sick as your secrets." Yeah...that.

----------------------------------
The schedule today included an early remote broadcast with two clients promoting a customer appreciation cook-out.  They had all of the expected items: Hot dogs, chips, cookies and soda. I was well prepared. I packed a turkey and provolone sandwich with plenty of fruit into my man-bag just before departing for the event. I wasn't the least bit interested in the food they were offering. I wasn't, not even a little bit.  It was as if I was a completely different person.  Suddenly I've become someone who plans ahead, sticks to my plan and doesn't negotiate with errant thoughts.  But there wasn't any errant thoughts today. Just peace and calm.
I waited until it was a good time to eat lunch and I dined right there at the broadcast. I politely declined repeated offers and encouragement to indulge, "Hey, those dogs are hot off the grill--doesn't get any better, you should get you one." No thanks, I brought my own food. "We got cookies!" I see that, yes, yes you do. "You want half of my Doritos?"  Nope, I'm good, thank you! This experience left me feeling enormously grateful for the strength that is nothing short of an answer to a desperate prayer.

I enjoyed some good snacks later in the day, took a little nap and made my way to the YMCA for a solid workout on the elliptical. I must look half-crazy on that thing, lip syncing to the music that moves me--but I can't play air-instruments because my entire body is involved in the workout. I get so into it, I don't even notice if anyone else notices my antics. And I don't even care.  Even if they did, I don't imagine a negative reaction--quite the contrary, it would probably be something like, "Wow, look at him go, he's really into his workout! Good for him!" 

Trying to decide on dinner tonight was a little challenging. I had some things at home but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to grill out. It's Memorial Day Weekend after all! I put my ear buds back on and headed into the grocery store as Walk Off The Earth's REVO filled me with positive energy. I grabbed some veggies to grill, some fruit for "dessert," a pre-cut bag of shoestring all natural sweet potato fries and a top sirloin I found on sale for $2.88!  Dinner was on. And it was good. 610 calories worth. I couldn't eat it all and ended up adjusting the calories down to 580.

I'll be up late tonight working on the final preparations for a wedding reception I'll be DJ'ing tomorrow evening.  I don't usually do mobile dj work, but a friend recently gifted me his old equipment and when he declined the date, he told them to call me. For some strange reason I said yes. Oh yeah, they offered to pay me, that's why. Just between these pages, I honestly don't like doing mobile dj work. It's completely different than what I do on the radio. I don't feel very confident in my dj'ing ability, is what I'm saying. But I accepted the gig and I shall give them my best.  I mean, it is one of the most special days of this couple's entire life, I suppose I better give it everything I got.  I plan on packing a good, portable dinner tomorrow evening. I don't want to be caught off guard by the wedding reception buffet.

Again, I'm pleasantly surprised by this fantastic feeling of control, purpose and positive spirit. The recent identity-self-worth epiphanies have been working their magic on me. I spend a lot of time alone and usually I don't like it at all.  But you know what? I'm digging it. Suddenly and effortlessly, I don't mind being alone as much. In fact, I kinda like me a lot. It's like getting better acquainted with a long lost friend you promised yourself you'd take the time to get to know someday.

You're welcome to follow me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson I post pictures and calorie counts of every bite of food I eat.  It's an extreme accountability measure. And I don't say "extreme" in a negative way. It's simply working well for me.  And something important to remember--I don't post the pics as an example of what anyone else should eat. I wouldn't do that. What I like and what you like may very well be two different things completely.  And if you're also on this road, I believe it's important to eat what you like.  I do find myself taking extra time and care in preparation of my food--and plating it nicely for the camera...and that's nothing but good because it slows me down and allows me to enjoy my meals and snacks even more. The food picture Tweets have been an invaluable tool of my recovery.  If you enjoy that type of thing (the food pics), then awesome, it's a win-win!

I'm also on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson  I welcome you to friend request me there as well. One of my MFP friends pointed out today that my stats still say "0 pounds lost." It does because I haven't updated the weights in there. I've used MFP strictly for logging my food and exercise. I suppose I could sit down and go through entering all of the different weights in order to get an accurate profile display, but I just haven't had the time. I may do that sometime over this holiday weekend.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today

May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today

The positive momentum building here is palpable. That weigh day yesterday, even if some of it was water weight, was over the top. I've been here, I know what's coming and it will slow down, of course. I'm feeling ready for the road ahead.

Some of the mysteries are gone, replaced by experience, hardened by lessons--and that's wonderful. I'm taking a do-over. I thank God that I didn't slip all the way back. I'm thankful I didn't delete this blog when the darkness of the spiral suggested it was the best thing to do. It wasn't the best thing to do at all. But in that mindset everything is flipped, the good things seem repulsive and the bad things alluring. This chance I've been given is an opportunity to move forward into a familiar territory, armed with a fresh perspective, a new appreciation, a reverence for things I didn't give a chance before. I'm not a failure.

I'm not a failure. I'm far from it. In fact, I'm a success. If this sounds like positive self-talk working hard to defeat some deceptive inner dialogue, you're right, it is--but there's a difference now. It doesn't have to work very hard because I believe it. I truly believe those words so deeply, it's become a thing within me. I'm proud of my success.  I'm proud of my experience and what I've been able to learn.  How much better will it be to reach a healthy weight again and understand that I deserve to be there?  To not feel like a stranger in my own skin because this time around I've taken the time to reacquaint myself with the real me, will be a very powerful thing.  And the great thing about this developing relationship is, it isn't something I'll receive when I reach some magical point along the way. It's developing now. And I reap the rewards regardless of my weight.

The best thing that happened today was a phone call from mom.

Last June I accompanied her to the Stillwater Senior Center to see about mom becoming a regular visitor.  She enjoyed the tour and seemed genuinely excited to get to know so many new people.  But brewing in her was this negative inner dialogue about how she would be received.  To anyone that knows my mom, you know she's one of the most loving people in the world. Her smile, her conversation, her spirit--has a way of brightening everything.  She is easily loved by all who meet her. Still, she harbored a deep fear of rejection.  What if they don't like me? 

She's struggled with this for almost a year, even suffering sleepless nights full of anxiety over imaginary scenarios where she's rejected or simply not liked for whatever reason. I understand where that stuff comes from, I do and even while I was doing similar things to myself--I kept trying to encourage her to break free from this hold. Today she did it.

I was at the studio working when she called and told me the great news. It was a wonderful experience for her, everyone was friendly and she's planning on going back a few times a week. Talk about breakthroughs! This is a major breakthrough because she's risen above the negative and untrue inner dialogue, taken a chance and now she's free.

It's like me and the YMCA situation not too long ago.

I'm so very proud of my mom.

Today was a little bit turned around for me.  I was about to head to the Y this afternoon, until I got summoned into work by thunderstorms moving through.  This changed my plan. It was workout, dinner, writing. Instead it was working, dinner, writing and workout.  The rain has left a super moist smell in the air and it's so inviting, I'm headed out there within minutes for a good walk. Tonight's workout will not be as intense as the elliptical, and that's okay. It will be intense in other ways.

For food pictures of everything I enjoy, visit my Twitter account @SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 20th, 2014 Always Learning and Doing What Works

May 20th, 2014 Always Learning and Doing What Works

If you're just now tuning in, reading only the latest entries, then you might think: Wow, this Sean guy has it all figured out! That would be a very incorrect assumption. I don't have it all figured out but I'm doing my best everyday. I've established support and an ultra high level of accountability. I'm doing what works for me.

The thought of committing to a writing schedule and tweeting pictures of every single bite might seem excessive and unnecessary to some. For me, it's the reason why I'm actually looking forward to getting on the scale tomorrow. After twenty years of being near, at or above 500 pounds, I tasted the freedom a healthy body weight provides and it lasted for about a year and a half before I fell into the same patterns of my past. Emotional circumstances, life changes and so many variables accompanied the weight gain that has brought me back today. The biggest lesson I've learned is all about denial of addiction and how just when you start thinking you've got it all figured out, you must check yourself, and check yourself fast.

The emotional epiphanies of late have been nothing short of ground breaking for me.  I'm re-building a foundation for myself. A foundation that will support a lifetime of recovery and all of the wonderful freedom it and a healthy body weight affords. And this will be a life work. There isn't a finish line. Why would there be? So I can turn around and go back the other way? Acceptance and peace with the knowledge of what I must do to remain successfully in recovery is what it's all about. Instead of dread, I feel relief. I feel relieved because I've found hope and promise for a better life when I was seriously starting to doubt I could ever recover.

At my darkest points along the way, I came real close to shutting everything off.  Deleting this blog entirely, deleting my Facebook account and doing my best to put this part of my life behind me. I was that close to giving up.  But time and time again, just as I was about to hit "delete all," an email would come from Jon in Wisconsin with a link to his Spark People blog where he had written about how my journey had inspired him. Days would go by and I'd reach a point of desperation again--just wanting to isolate, be alone--shut everything down and accept that this seemingly hopeless trek was determined to take me out, then I'd open my email and find this:

Hello sean

I hope you still pick up your emails on this account.
I picked up your blog on day 1 and I have not put it down since.  I'm currently on day 142.  I have followed your methods every step of the way and I'm achieving some fantastic results.

The main thing I wanted to email you about was to say

Thank you for saving my life

All the way from the UK
Nick 

The moment I opened Nick's email on my phone, I was sitting in the drive through line at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store waiting on a thousand calorie dose of my preferred drug and hoping nobody in line or any of the employees recognized me as "that guy who lost all that weight and wrote that book and wow, he's put on some weight." If Nick only knew where I am right now, not just physically--in this drive through--but mentally and emotionally--he would likely be shocked, I thought. 

Realizing that I had no idea who or how many might be reading some of the over 820 postings in the archive of this blog, there's no way I could just delete everything. I couldn't do it. And I'm glad I didn't. My hope is, someone like Nick might keep reading and learn from not only my success, but my relapse and recovery.  

We all want long term results. None of us start out thinking, hey--I'd like to get down to a healthy weight to see what it's like--just so I'll know--then I'll be back.  What I'm doing now is what I must to take the best care of me and experience not just long term results, I want long term recovery...that's the goal.  

And isn't it poetic that some of the people expressing gratitude toward me, have actually played a key role in my turnaround? I'm enormously grateful for their support.

Today was a fantastic day in several ways. I'm constantly trying new ways to carefully plan and prepare my food.  Something as simple as dry grilling my sandwich on a Foreman Grill at lunch today, adds variety and a little excitement to my food plan. I enjoyed an appetizer before dinner tonight: Mushroom Pizza Cap! I love these things.  I took a large mushroom cap, filled the center with 1/2 a serving of sugar free marinara and a slice of mozzarella--and baked it until the cheese started to brown. It's one of the most delicious 123 calories of recent memory. Of course I LOVE mushrooms! I've found a lot of people don't.

It's like a mushroom pizza without the crust! I eat it with a knife and fork...and napkins.

My workouts on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA have been progressively better.

I shall now proceed to own this machine. And not a "I broke it and they made me pay for it" type owning. #sweaton pic.twitter.com/5btsvZYxKu
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) May 19, 2014

The biggest victory for me has been walking into the Y with complete confidence and not a shred of the emotions I wrote about not too long ago.  Those fears and emotions were a big hurdle to get over and I just said a prayer, walked in and did what I needed to do. I've since ran into several people I know--many whom I exercised alongside during my initial weight loss--and NOT ONE has given me anything but the most supportive words and sometimes it's just a smile. I'm happy to see them again too.

Thank you for reading and being so wonderfully supportive. If something I've written in these pages has helped you in some way, that's such a wonderful thing to me. It's precious to me, really. I'm just learning. I'll never stop learning along this road.

For the complete food picture tweet stream, follow me on Twitter @SeanAAnderson  I keep a food and exercise journal on MyFitnessPal and you're welcome to join me there too. My username is: SeanAAnderson

I'm looking forward to weighing tomorrow and sharing it with you on my next post.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean

May 19th, 2014 The Secret To Happiness

May 19th, 2014 The Secret To Happiness

The thing I've focused on the most the last several days has proven to be a wonderful exploration.  It is, in short, the secret to happiness. Millions have figured it out already and they live it every day. Millions struggle with understanding it and they spend years, sometimes a lifetime in pursuit of it. The thing about loving and caring for the constants within us, the things that can't ever be taken from us, the elements making us who we are deep down no matter what comes or goes in this life is a key to emotional freedom.

I think about the man in India who lives with his wife and kids in what can best be described as a tent.  He gets up everyday and walks for miles into the city where he pulls a rickshaw, transporting tourist and business people for 8-12 hours a day. Then he walks home and has dinner (usually white rice and anything else they can afford) with the family he loves. He's one of the happiest people you'll ever meet.

I think about the person who was able bodied their entire life before a drunk driver rendered them a quadriplegic. Yet, some of these people who have had so much taken away from them, are transformed into some of the most inspirational, positive and fascinatingly happy people in this world.

I believe that people who find and live their happiness are doing so, because they're connected to the core qualities within them that can never be taken away. Whoever first said "happiness must come from within," this is what they meant.

If we tether our identity, self-worth, definition of success and happiness to anything that naturally fluctuates or can change dramatically, then we're in for a roller coaster ride of emotional unrest.

I've always attached my self-worth to my weight. Well, until now of course. I've often talked about potential and not living up to potential. But here's the thing: Potential is tied directly to the constant qualities within us and if our focus is on the pursuit of happiness in every direction except within, then those qualities aren't allowed to flourish, to grow--to give life to the potential within us all.

This whole thing makes me want to take the best care I can. I've never felt more determined to return to a healthy weight. It's what I need physically. What I need emotionally isn't affected by weight loss. And making that distinction provides a nice inner calm, a peace.

The question to determine these inner qualities needing attention and love is: What are the qualities in me that remain regardless of my weight, regardless of my financial situation, regardless of my relationship status, regardless of my professional success--what about me stays the same when all of these other things can and do change?  My heart, soul, sense of humor, natural compassion for others, likes and dislikes, pride in parenting, artistic talents, selflessness, humility, etc. Have you made your list?  And when these constants are cared for and loved, watered, so to speak--they grow, they flourish--and they give us what we need to experience emotional freedom, the freedom and ability to claim our happiness come what may.

----------------------------
I slept on my shoulder a little too long in the same position again. I started the day with a hurt shoulder and at some point during my radio show, it severely affected my neck. Suddenly I became feverish and nauseated. I took a half day off and took care of me. In all, I've had Aleve, a muscle relaxer, a massage and a coating of an Icy Hot like product that is still working. Working well enough in fact, that I was able to go to the YMCA and absolutely crush my workout on the elliptical.

On the way home from the Y, I stopped to visit with my grandson Noah. We had fun, talked a little to one another (me mostly talking to him--but give him a little while) and he made a point to fill my phone protector with drool...and that's okay! Because his drool is precious. Oh my goodness, I love that little guy.

I prepared a great dinner tonight, completed my MyFitnessPal entries for the day, Tweeted my #lastfoodofday and wrote this blog.  I'm ready to call it a great day.

You're welcome to follow me on Twitter, @SeanAAnderson   And friend me on MyFitnessPal: Username- SeanAAnderson.  My Facebook is www.facebook.com/seananderson505

I'm very grateful for many things.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean


My grandson Noah. Now there's a happy little guy!

May 18th, 2014 Sean 1, Buffet 0

May 18th, 2014 Sean 1, Buffet 0

I remember not too long ago when I felt so far removed from any semblance of control. In that place it seems so hopeless and scary.  I'm grateful to be where I am today.  I feel strong and determined, like in the beginning of this blog.  It's a new day and I deserve to feel great.  You do too.

I visited mom this evening and we dined at a buffet. I wasn't the least bit inclined to do anything other than stick to the plan.  I selected a small lean sirloin, one slice of turkey breast, green beans, sauteed mushrooms, fresh strawberries, pear slices and a serving of cottage cheese with two crackers.  My meal checked in at 559 calories. I added 15 calories for a non dairy creamer cup for my after dinner coffee and conversation with mom and my aunt Kelli and her husband Tim. Kelli has lost 50 pounds in the last year by simply eliminating sugary soft drinks. Way to go Kelli!

I picked up some fruit and eggs from the grocery department at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store on the way home, then stopped at Walgreens for some paper towels. Both of these places have been my "dealer" at one time or another.  It feels good to walk in, buy what I'm after and be proud of my choices for a change. I'm sure it's confusing for some of the regular employees, "No ice cream tonight?"  No thank you, I got what I want and need.

I came home and decided to walk around my apartment community for a half hour. The weather has been beautiful here--perfectly cool for a nice neighborhood stroll.

I did a little cleaning tonight, planned out some food for tomorrow and I'm headed to bed!

Good day!  By the way, I've explained the recent identity/self love revelation to a couple of people over the weekend and they related to it in a powerful way too.  Lord knows it isn't something "new," but truly understanding how it works--experiencing the "click," after not properly understanding this my entire life has left me feeling renewed and even more empowered.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 16th, 2014 A Nice Long Day

May 16th, 2014 A Nice Long Day

Last night's blog was good for me. I couldn't get it off my mind today. And every time I thought about the exploration of it, I smiled. It felt phenomenal to process, understand and write.  It was a breakthrough in my thinking and I can tell, this will have a profound effect on me for the rest of my life. I can't look at myself the same anymore, not even if I tried.

This was a long day. I just finished dinner and it's 11:26pm.  My day started before 6am. I was broadcasting from the Titan FC 28 event held at a casino tonight.  I've never thrown a punch in my entire life, so naturally me attending and broadcasting from an event like this took a considerable amount of forced enthusiasm. Plenty of people LOVE the MMA fights and to that I say, what's wrong with those people? I'm kidding. But seriously, I become very uncomfortable watching people beat each other senseless. I feel for the guy against the mat, being held down and pounded. If I'm rooting for anyone, it's that guy. Get up, breathe--you can do it--survive!!! I didn't stay for all of it--the main event part of it. Just not my thing, I suppose.

I did get to interview Johhny Hendricks, the UFC Welterweight Champion of The World!! He was much smaller than I imagined, but solid. And he was as nice as he could be. I know next to nothing about his sport, so I kept the questions generic and easy.  "Johhny, after being a four year All-American wrestler in college (yes, I did some homework), you transitioned to MMA and now you're a world champion. How do you make it look so easy?"  In case you're keeping score--I stated three facts and followed with a softball question...he hit it out of the park. Had I done a little more homework i would have asked him about training or defending his title... Nah...I'm not a radio MMA reporter, I'm a morning radio personality. I'll leave the real interviews to those involved in the sports world. I wanted to ask him if we could take a selfie together with him holding his fist to my face but I decided that would be a tad bit unprofessional. Besides, as friendly as he was, there's still a seriousness about him, an intensity and I didn't want to risk upsetting him--I mean, if you're going to upset someone, a professional fighter isn't the best choice.

The VIP meet and greet with Johhny was stocked with plenty of food and drink. And I failed to plan properly, meaning I didn't bring any snack baggies of fruit.  I didn't want to eat dinner there. I wanted dinner on my own terms, so I made the decision to eat a few pieces of the fruit from the big spread and patiently wait until I could get home and cook something nice.

In this same scenario, time and time again--I've forfeited control and just thought, oh well--I'm here, I'm hungry--let's see what we can do. But I feel different now.  It's hard to explain--but it's thrilling, I'll tell you that!! To be exposed to a big spread of food--free food at that--and simply grab a few pieces of fruit, waiting until later, I'm patting myself on the back and feeling awesome.

I didn't finish in time to get into the YMCA and when I left the venue it was 48 degrees with a steady cold rain.  So, I've decided to forego the workout tonight and be okay with it.  I'll be hitting the Y again tomorrow.

I stopped at Walgreen's on the way home to pick up some trash bags.  I cannot count the number of times over the last year and a half that I've walked in that store and walked out with a whole bunch of binge calories.  Cereal, ice cream, cookies and milk, chips, candy bars--and sometimes more than one from this list...and all of it was there tonight.  And so was I.  I left Walgreen's with trash bags. That's it.  And that's huge for me.

I made it home, sliced up some sweet potato and threw 'em in the oven. Wrapped some fish in foil and threw it in there too. Every bit of food, every single day--is photographed and tweeted with calorie counts.  It's an extreme accountability, but it's what I need and I'm loving it. I'd love you to follow me on Twitter, @SeanAAnderson I'm also keeping a food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend. I hope you are too!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean