July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

I'm usually well prepared. I woke up this morning to not a single egg in the fridge. I enjoy starting my day with eggs of some kind and fruit. My breakfasts are nearly the same most mornings, with slight variations. If it's an omelet, what's inside might change. The eggs seem to keep me satisfied longer. My back up plan this morning was steel cut oats with diced apple and cinnamon. It was good, but not exactly what I planned. And that seemed to be the theme of the day.

It was mid-morning when I realized I was out of lunch items in the employee fridge, so I ran home and prepared a good lunch. On the way back I had a front end blowout just as I was pulling into a parking space at the downtown studios. My back up plan was the station remote vehicle because I couldn't use my spare. I called the tire place and made arrangements to get my car fixed tomorrow. This wasn't exactly what I planned.

I was very tired by the time I got home mid-afternoon. I decided a good nap before spinning class was a great idea. I had been looking forward to spinning class all day long, even though it will likely be the toughest workout I've endured to date. I'm genuinely excited to climb back on the cycle because I know what it does to my body. It's good. I set my excessively loud radio alarm clock for 4pm. This would be a solid hour and fifteen minute nap. I turned on the NPR Fresh Air podcast and set the sleep timer for ten minutes. I don't think I lasted three minutes. I was out and sleeping deep, as sound as I possibly could. I was sleeping well. So much so, that when the alarm started blaring (loud enough to likely be heard in adjacent apartments), I didn't budge.

With the radio volume blaring as loud as it goes, filling my entire apartment with noise, Mother Nature decided to lend a hand with a big thunderstorm...still, I peacefully slept. When I finally opened my eyes at 5:08pm, I was disoriented and frantic. The alarm had automatically shut itself off after an hour of rockin' my pad and the thunderstorm was still rolling. The immediate urgency of the weather (which I should have been covering live in-studio) and the list of warning notifications on my phone had me frantically dialing a colleague, hoping and praying she was on the air in my place. And she was. Thank goodness. At 5:11pm I sat on the side of my bed and realized there wasn't any way I could make the 5:30 pm spinning class. Had I been awake, I still wouldn't have made it to the class because I would have been on the air covering this pop up thunderstorm. I decided to pull myself together and get into the YMCA for my regular elliptical workout. I grabbed some turkey and cheese for a pre-workout snack and headed out. It was good, but not exactly what I planned.

The entire day wasn't exactly what I had planned and yet it was still a great day. I had moments of frustration. I experienced potential temptation when a co-worker generously and innocently gave me a small Italian pastry she picked up from Starbucks (I re-gifted it to the break room where it's anyone's treat--anyone but me). I now know I must get new tires tomorrow--that's an unexpected expense--slightly stressful and I had genuine disappointment in missing the spinning class. And of course the incredible stress of waking up in the middle of an unexpected summer time thunderstorm when I was supposed to be in studio and on the air covering it, instead of sleeping through it. 

Through it all, I somehow maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, had a great workout on the elliptical and enjoyed a fantastic home cooked dinner before making my way to the store for a long overdue grocery shopping trip.

I'll have my favorite eggs in the morning. I'll get tires tomorrow. I'll climb aboard the spin cycle for an intense workout tomorrow (unless Mother Nature calls me into work). It's all good. And then, as a nice punctuation to an otherwise out of sync day, this happened:

As I made my way out of the YMCA a very nice lady spoke to me. I was still firmly in the grip of an 80's music party in my head, but I could tell she was speaking to me, so I removed an ear bud. She told me she reads my blog everyday and that she's proud of me. She said that what I do was inspiring to her. She expressed how she sincerely appreciates the decision to include the meal tweets in this daily blog because she doesn't do Twitter. She told me we had a mutual friend in Cathy at the hospital. She also said she's already lost 25 pounds. I congratulated her and thanked her for the kind words, then we wished each other well as we continued on toward the parking lot. An encounter like that lights me up like hardly anything else. It inspires me even more and reconfirms that what I'm doing is important, not just to me, but to others. And that's a feeling so good, it's hard to describe. I sat in the big station vehicle for a moment, turned off Billy Idol and gathered my thoughts. This was exactly the way my day needed to go. It was perfect, really. You see...

Having steel cut oats and fruit as a backup breakfast reminded me how fortunate I am to have good food ready to go. Having a blowout at 5 mph as I pulled into a parking space at work was a blessing. If that tire had decided to give way on Highway 177 last night, it could have resulted in a tragic accident. And if I hadn't over-slept my nap and the storm wouldn't have happened, I would have been in that spinning class today and I wouldn't have met the nice lady on my way out of the Y tonight. Oh--and I forgot to mention how I ran into Andy, the spin class instructor at the grocery store. I had a wonderful conversation with him about the class and weight loss. It was perfect and had my day been aligned differently, this delightful grocery store visit wouldn't have happened.

A good or bad day isn't necessarily dependent on the things that happen, it's decided by the perspective and attitude I choose. Today was a great day even though it wasn't exactly what I planned.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Today's meal tweets:

Woke up realizing I forgot to stop by the store. No eggs! Steel cut oats instead (1.5 srv) w/apple & cinn. 313 cal. pic.twitter.com/lFAKtlTRGL
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 14, 2014

Turkey (1.5 srv) and mozzarella on a Joseph's pita with 1.25 srv rice chips, medium orange. 475 cal. #lunchtime pic.twitter.com/8VNKHUGsRv
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 14, 2014

Grilled chick.brst (6oz), grilled onions, peppers & squash w/a light coating-olive oil. Roasted red pot. 509 cal. pic.twitter.com/yYSpkFcKyI
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 15, 2014

Bonus Tweet: The grocery shopping trip...

It's too late for me to be shopping! Grocery trip. This will take care of me for a little while. pic.twitter.com/HiO3Ji6MiH
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 15, 2014

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

I was prepared today. Preparedness doesn't always prevent struggle. One of my interviews on the show this morning was Mark, an avid fisherman. He was coming in studio to promote the upcoming All-American Fish Fry Blood Drive with the Oklahoma Blood Institute. This will be the 8th year this man has caught, cleaned, prepared and cooked all of the fish for this big annual event. Every year, in advance of the date (usually the week before), he brings fresh fried catfish into the studio for everyone to enjoy. Today was the day.

I love fried fish. I love fish, period. Even though I was fully satisfied with my breakfast, I was having a very tough time resisting the aroma of the fish and chips in the studio lobby.  I tweeted about it, expressing "...I need to get out of here." In years past I've indulged on this day, but not this time. Sending the tweets about the fish gave me strength to walk away. Could I have eaten a piece and simply counted? Sure. But as solid and on plan as I've been lately--coupled with the fact that I had just finished breakfast and wasn't even remotely hungry, I made the right call.  I don't feel bad for Mark, the fisherman, because plenty of others enjoyed the free fish. And he knows how I feel about his fish, it's the best!

I left the studio not long after my show and when I returned after lunch, the crock pot of fish and fries still had several pieces. Yes, I checked. I had just finished a wonderful lunch of baked fish, sweet potatoes and pears. Again, I wasn't hungry, yet I was still compelled to check the crock pot. I didn't eat any. I quickly made my way to the upstairs production studio and dove into my work. After a couple of hours I enjoyed an orange before finishing the work day. I still needed to go downstairs and secure the on-air studios, which meant encountering the crock pot of what was now cold and old catfish and fries.

It still smelled good. I came within an inch of eating it. I went so far as to remove the lid and pick up a few pieces. For a moment I thought, I can just count it, tweet it and eat less for dinner. Oh, I was doing my best to make it okay.  At this point, considering the struggle, there was no way I was giving up. I put the cold fish back in the pot, returned the lid--acknowledged the glistening of oil on my fingers and the smell, then promptly went into the bathroom and washed it away. I walked from the studio feeling empowered.

It showed me that just because I'm 97% sugar free, it doesn't mean I'm completely free from errant thoughts and occasional struggle. This situation was a different kind of trigger. It was the sight and smell. Had the food been a large pizza from Hideaway Pizza in my hometown, I would have experienced the same struggle. Had it been a giant pot of sesame chicken from Chinese Express--same struggle. I haven't had many of these types of struggles in the last couple of months because I haven't been around some of these foods. It was a good thing to experience this today.

After deciding to grill something for dinner, I realized I forgot to take the meat from the freezer. No problem, I'll just go buy a small package at the store and grab a few other things while I'm in there. But when I pulled into the store parking lot I realized how tired I was. It had been a long day. Instead of shopping, then cooking--I decided to give myself a break from the kitchen and grab some Hawaiian Fajitas to go from my favorite little Mexican place. Out of the five or six times I've eaten out in the last few months, these Hawaiian Fajitas account for four times, including tonight. I implemented the same calorie saving strategy as I always do at a Mexican restaurant. Dinner checked in at 556 calories.

I planned to workout after dinner but suddenly I didn't feel like it. Was I just too tired today, physically and mentally? Perhaps. I really like to reserve my "off day" from the workout schedule for the weekends. So I decided to drag myself to the YMCA. I arrived and realized I had left my earbuds at home. I wasn't driving all the way back home and back to the Y again for the music. I decided to go ahead and workout without my music. I made it through the workout, but I'll tell you--listening to people grunt and breathe isn't as much fun as getting wrapped up into Billy Idol. It took some focus to see it through. I'm glad I did.

Today's theme has been struggle, in a few different ways. It may have started with the anonymous comment on yesterday's post that stated: "Your blog seems interesting but I cant get past the ugly layout." It was the epitome of superficial, this comment--and as much as it amused me, it must have bothered me a little too. My blog is as strong as the content and message, not to mention what it's done for me in so many ways and what others have told me it's done for them over the years. I take this blog seriously. I've never taken the time to "dress it up" or even consider a few changes to make it easier to read. Perhaps I do need to make a few changes to it, nothing major--maybe a bigger font or something, different color schemes...a prettier layout.

I'm hitting the pillow much earlier than usual and that's a good thing. And despite the various minor struggles today, I'll hit the pillow knowing that I'm in just under budget, I exercised and I took extraordinary care of me today.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

I'm feeling better now, than I think I ever have in my life. That's a pretty big statement. I mean, ever, in the history of Sean. It has some to do with eating better, exercising and losing weight, of course, but the majority of this feeling comes from the epiphany of May 15th, 2014: My identity and self worth will never be tethered to the shape of my face, the size of my pants or the number on a scale. The same qualities and positive attributes I love about me are constant, at 505 or 230, for richer or poorer. Read the blog post from May 15th by clicking here.

Never before has something stayed with me in such a powerful way. And it goes beyond recognizing and understanding. I've taken this into practical application in my everyday life and its effect has been nothing short of miraculous.

I enjoy spending time with me. I don't think I've ever known what that was like until now. I have a greater confidence no matter where I am or who I may run into, I always hold my head high. What makes this exceptionally better is, I'm feeling great about myself, so when I'm around people I'm not busy projecting negative feelings about me onto them without their knowledge. In fact, it's the opposite. I think I'm awesome, so surely they do too! I don't tug on my shirt as much, as if doing so makes me appear slimmer. I don't look in the mirror and pepper myself with self-loathing and disgust. I look in the mirror with gratefulness and appreciation for what I have and what I don't have. I take extraordinary care in planning, selecting and preparing my food. I'm making me important. I even bought myself some new sweat pants today. I'm recognizing my talents and celebrating them--nurturing them, instead of discounting and under valuing. The added confidence has decreased my sensitivity, so I don't take things personally as often as I once did. I'm proceeding along this road with an excitement and vigor like never before.  When someone compliments me on my appearance, I say thank you instead of launching into a laundry list of reasons to invalidate their suggestion, followed by --"but yeah, thank you for that." Just as importantly, I don't invest too much in what people say about me in a positive way. I don't gravitate toward them like a puppy with wagging tail and wanting eyes, saying give me more, give me more... and hoping if they say it enough I'll eventually believe it too.

And I'm showing an abundant gratitude and thanks everyday for effectively being branded with two life changing experiences at the same time: The positive physical/mental effects of finally giving nearly 100% abstinence from sugar an honest effort and the mental/emotional freedom afforded by a new perspective on identity and self-worth.

I'm also keenly aware that these gifts are not in any way locked into place. Only with my continued diligent practice, my constant awareness of where I am and a confident patience for where I'm headed, will I be allowed to keep the peace I currently enjoy. Only a fool believes he's figured out the combination for eternal peace without continued effort and practice. I've used the word "practice" a lot lately because it's what it is. I'm not perfect, never will be and that isn't the goal. The pursuit of perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment.

I'm doing the best I can, today.

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Today was good in many ways. I had a productive morning show and afternoon production session. I left work, went shopping for myself (hardly ever do that), took care of a friend's dogs, then came home and started preparing an incredible meal. The food was almost done when I started my weekly Tuesday night support conference call, so I let it stay in the warm oven until the call was over. I enjoyed the meal tremendously--wow--Loved it!!

Baked talapia, asparagus, garlic & herb baked red potatoes (200g) w/light sr crm and Cinn/stevia bkd pears. 558 cal. pic.twitter.com/PvCQBOTcsf
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 18, 2014

I worked out on the elliptical at the YMCA after dinner, helped my oldest daughter with something--went back out to care for the dogs, then headed home to eat my #lastfoodofday and write this blog post.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

------------------------------------------------

Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 6th, 2014 Maintaining Good Care

June 6th, 2014 Maintaining Good Care

Last night I mentioned how I suspended in-studio weather coverage at 11:30pm. I was actually reactivated and headed back to the studio at 1:20am, finished and was back home shortly after 3am, overslept for obvious reasons and was an hour late joining my morning show, already in progress, shortly after 7:00am.
I made it through the rest of my show, daily after show duties and to a remote broadcast from the VFW's 70th Anniversary of D-Day event.  As soon as my broadcast ended at 1pm, I was done for the day. I didn't get home until after 2pm. I prepared a nice lunch, stayed up a little while and then took a much needed nap.

Even though it was a crazy schedule today, I didn't sacrifice my resolve to eat better and take extraordinary care. This is the season for these kinds of fluctuations in my schedule and as long as I'm aware of what I need and make taking care important, I can get through. And really, this type of inconsistent schedule only happens about 2-3 months out of the year. It just so happens we're right smack dab in the middle of it now...at the same time I'm doing my best to take extraordinary care.  I suppose my definition of extraordinary care is somewhat forced to change and adapt along with the schedule. Today it meant making sure I had adequate food and a solid nap as soon as possible. I did both.

I hit the YMCA for my workout late this afternoon and I must admit, I didn't want to do it at all. Despite the fact that I'm certain of how good it feels to do and the positive transformative effect it has on my mood, I still preferred to not do it today. I had just finished a wonderful nap where I slept soundly and with excellent quality, so I couldn't necessarily say I was tired. I just wasn't feeling it. Not everyday will be a rah rah rah kind of day.  Not everyday will be ripe with exclamation points. Some are just days where we're happy making it through doing the absolute minimum we must, while promising a bigger effort later. I get that.

Trusting in the certainty of sports science, specifically how the body experiences a bio-chemical reaction while exercising, I got all Mr. Wizard on myself, and in little time was convinced I needed to climb aboard the magical elliptical. I did and as expected, it was awesome. Maybe I talked myself into feeling better than normal, I don't know--but I must say, I walked out of that workout feeling twice as good as I normally do.

My body is experiencing a bio-chemical reaction. A tangible substance has been released into my blood stream. I feel like fighting a tiger.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 6, 2014

Adding to my gratitude list: Thankful we don't live around wild tigers. I'm pretty sure I'd get in over my head real fast.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 6, 2014

Perhaps the better than normal feeling was because I overcame my own resistance. Usually I head to the Y with an attitude of let's go! Today it was Do we really have to today?  I have allowed myself a day off from exercise every now and then and I will on a regular basis, but today's resistance wasn't necessary.  I'm so glad I did it anyway.

I'm so glad the weekend is here. I've been well intentioned about replying to comments and emails this week but I've done a poor job actually doing it. The weekend gives me an opportunity to get caught up and I'm looking forward to doing this tomorrow morning and afternoon. I have a three hour broadcast from a car dealership in the middle of that plan. Interacting and engaging in conversation with you about the challenges and successes along this road is one of my favorite things to do. It helps me tremendously to be supportive to those who have been incredibly supportive to me. We're all in this together. Our paths might be different, what works for me may not work for you, but we share some commonalities and truths that are universal to our journey, and in those we find a powerful connection. It's a connection that creates a mutually positive experience.

I enjoyed dinner out tonight with my oldest daughter Amber and her boyfriend KL. I enjoyed the Hawaiian Fajitas again. It was phenomenal as usual. It feels very strange to be able to go in with a plan and stick to it without hesitation. My strategy involved eating three of the combination steak/chicken/shrimp/grilled pineapple fajitas with corn tortillas instead of flour (almost half the calories of the flour) and a smear of sour cream on each. No beans, no rice, no guac and no chips. I enjoyed a fabulously satisfying meal out and I kept it under 500 calories. This is working for me and I feel very good about how I enjoyed the meal and the conversation.  

One of the things I'm working on is finding a balance within my relationships while taking extraordinary care. I'm making a point to call my daughters more often, talk with mom more and basically enjoy this process of transformation without getting overwhelmed and all consumed. I feel good about my progress in that department. I wasn't very good at this during my initial weight loss. But now I recognize how imperative it is to take a well measured approach and not lose touch with the ones we love in the name of focus. Ultimately, this journey for me is about incorporating the standards and practices giving me the best chance at a well balanced life of recovery, while still maintaining a life--and if I can do that, I believe it's then something I can maintain for the rest of my life.

It was a good day today despite the crazy work schedule of the last several days. Storms are rolling through as I write this and it's nice to hear them roll without rushing to the studio for coverage. A colleague of mine is doing the coverage tonight.

I invite you to join me on Twitter for the live-tweeting of my food and exercise along the way. The twitter feed is one of the best accountability measures I've taken. It's having a tremendously positive effect on my eating habits. My love of cheese was mentioned recently and yes, I admit--I love cheese. One thing you'll notice, I don't allow "block" cheeses and I rarely have cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese too much. My previous doctor once suggested look at the sodium content in cottage cheese, so I did and was shocked at how much salt it contained. I don't trust myself with block or cottage cheese. I stick to pre-portioned slices with set calorie counts. I'm feeling good about my behavior around the Laughing Cow wedges. I'm eating them in moderation.  I was initially worried about if I could keep them in the fridge without binging on them and so far I've been successful. When I eat a shredded cheese variety, it's always measured and counted--either 28 grams for a full serving or 14 grams for a half serving, if that will do.

If my food scale ever breaks, it'll be something I immediately replace!

Thank you for reading and your support,
strength,
Sean

May 19th, 2014 The Secret To Happiness

May 19th, 2014 The Secret To Happiness

The thing I've focused on the most the last several days has proven to be a wonderful exploration.  It is, in short, the secret to happiness. Millions have figured it out already and they live it every day. Millions struggle with understanding it and they spend years, sometimes a lifetime in pursuit of it. The thing about loving and caring for the constants within us, the things that can't ever be taken from us, the elements making us who we are deep down no matter what comes or goes in this life is a key to emotional freedom.

I think about the man in India who lives with his wife and kids in what can best be described as a tent.  He gets up everyday and walks for miles into the city where he pulls a rickshaw, transporting tourist and business people for 8-12 hours a day. Then he walks home and has dinner (usually white rice and anything else they can afford) with the family he loves. He's one of the happiest people you'll ever meet.

I think about the person who was able bodied their entire life before a drunk driver rendered them a quadriplegic. Yet, some of these people who have had so much taken away from them, are transformed into some of the most inspirational, positive and fascinatingly happy people in this world.

I believe that people who find and live their happiness are doing so, because they're connected to the core qualities within them that can never be taken away. Whoever first said "happiness must come from within," this is what they meant.

If we tether our identity, self-worth, definition of success and happiness to anything that naturally fluctuates or can change dramatically, then we're in for a roller coaster ride of emotional unrest.

I've always attached my self-worth to my weight. Well, until now of course. I've often talked about potential and not living up to potential. But here's the thing: Potential is tied directly to the constant qualities within us and if our focus is on the pursuit of happiness in every direction except within, then those qualities aren't allowed to flourish, to grow--to give life to the potential within us all.

This whole thing makes me want to take the best care I can. I've never felt more determined to return to a healthy weight. It's what I need physically. What I need emotionally isn't affected by weight loss. And making that distinction provides a nice inner calm, a peace.

The question to determine these inner qualities needing attention and love is: What are the qualities in me that remain regardless of my weight, regardless of my financial situation, regardless of my relationship status, regardless of my professional success--what about me stays the same when all of these other things can and do change?  My heart, soul, sense of humor, natural compassion for others, likes and dislikes, pride in parenting, artistic talents, selflessness, humility, etc. Have you made your list?  And when these constants are cared for and loved, watered, so to speak--they grow, they flourish--and they give us what we need to experience emotional freedom, the freedom and ability to claim our happiness come what may.

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I slept on my shoulder a little too long in the same position again. I started the day with a hurt shoulder and at some point during my radio show, it severely affected my neck. Suddenly I became feverish and nauseated. I took a half day off and took care of me. In all, I've had Aleve, a muscle relaxer, a massage and a coating of an Icy Hot like product that is still working. Working well enough in fact, that I was able to go to the YMCA and absolutely crush my workout on the elliptical.

On the way home from the Y, I stopped to visit with my grandson Noah. We had fun, talked a little to one another (me mostly talking to him--but give him a little while) and he made a point to fill my phone protector with drool...and that's okay! Because his drool is precious. Oh my goodness, I love that little guy.

I prepared a great dinner tonight, completed my MyFitnessPal entries for the day, Tweeted my #lastfoodofday and wrote this blog.  I'm ready to call it a great day.

You're welcome to follow me on Twitter, @SeanAAnderson   And friend me on MyFitnessPal: Username- SeanAAnderson.  My Facebook is www.facebook.com/seananderson505

I'm very grateful for many things.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean


My grandson Noah. Now there's a happy little guy!

May 18th, 2014 Sean 1, Buffet 0

May 18th, 2014 Sean 1, Buffet 0

I remember not too long ago when I felt so far removed from any semblance of control. In that place it seems so hopeless and scary.  I'm grateful to be where I am today.  I feel strong and determined, like in the beginning of this blog.  It's a new day and I deserve to feel great.  You do too.

I visited mom this evening and we dined at a buffet. I wasn't the least bit inclined to do anything other than stick to the plan.  I selected a small lean sirloin, one slice of turkey breast, green beans, sauteed mushrooms, fresh strawberries, pear slices and a serving of cottage cheese with two crackers.  My meal checked in at 559 calories. I added 15 calories for a non dairy creamer cup for my after dinner coffee and conversation with mom and my aunt Kelli and her husband Tim. Kelli has lost 50 pounds in the last year by simply eliminating sugary soft drinks. Way to go Kelli!

I picked up some fruit and eggs from the grocery department at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store on the way home, then stopped at Walgreens for some paper towels. Both of these places have been my "dealer" at one time or another.  It feels good to walk in, buy what I'm after and be proud of my choices for a change. I'm sure it's confusing for some of the regular employees, "No ice cream tonight?"  No thank you, I got what I want and need.

I came home and decided to walk around my apartment community for a half hour. The weather has been beautiful here--perfectly cool for a nice neighborhood stroll.

I did a little cleaning tonight, planned out some food for tomorrow and I'm headed to bed!

Good day!  By the way, I've explained the recent identity/self love revelation to a couple of people over the weekend and they related to it in a powerful way too.  Lord knows it isn't something "new," but truly understanding how it works--experiencing the "click," after not properly understanding this my entire life has left me feeling renewed and even more empowered.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 16th, 2014 A Nice Long Day

May 16th, 2014 A Nice Long Day

Last night's blog was good for me. I couldn't get it off my mind today. And every time I thought about the exploration of it, I smiled. It felt phenomenal to process, understand and write.  It was a breakthrough in my thinking and I can tell, this will have a profound effect on me for the rest of my life. I can't look at myself the same anymore, not even if I tried.

This was a long day. I just finished dinner and it's 11:26pm.  My day started before 6am. I was broadcasting from the Titan FC 28 event held at a casino tonight.  I've never thrown a punch in my entire life, so naturally me attending and broadcasting from an event like this took a considerable amount of forced enthusiasm. Plenty of people LOVE the MMA fights and to that I say, what's wrong with those people? I'm kidding. But seriously, I become very uncomfortable watching people beat each other senseless. I feel for the guy against the mat, being held down and pounded. If I'm rooting for anyone, it's that guy. Get up, breathe--you can do it--survive!!! I didn't stay for all of it--the main event part of it. Just not my thing, I suppose.

I did get to interview Johhny Hendricks, the UFC Welterweight Champion of The World!! He was much smaller than I imagined, but solid. And he was as nice as he could be. I know next to nothing about his sport, so I kept the questions generic and easy.  "Johhny, after being a four year All-American wrestler in college (yes, I did some homework), you transitioned to MMA and now you're a world champion. How do you make it look so easy?"  In case you're keeping score--I stated three facts and followed with a softball question...he hit it out of the park. Had I done a little more homework i would have asked him about training or defending his title... Nah...I'm not a radio MMA reporter, I'm a morning radio personality. I'll leave the real interviews to those involved in the sports world. I wanted to ask him if we could take a selfie together with him holding his fist to my face but I decided that would be a tad bit unprofessional. Besides, as friendly as he was, there's still a seriousness about him, an intensity and I didn't want to risk upsetting him--I mean, if you're going to upset someone, a professional fighter isn't the best choice.

The VIP meet and greet with Johhny was stocked with plenty of food and drink. And I failed to plan properly, meaning I didn't bring any snack baggies of fruit.  I didn't want to eat dinner there. I wanted dinner on my own terms, so I made the decision to eat a few pieces of the fruit from the big spread and patiently wait until I could get home and cook something nice.

In this same scenario, time and time again--I've forfeited control and just thought, oh well--I'm here, I'm hungry--let's see what we can do. But I feel different now.  It's hard to explain--but it's thrilling, I'll tell you that!! To be exposed to a big spread of food--free food at that--and simply grab a few pieces of fruit, waiting until later, I'm patting myself on the back and feeling awesome.

I didn't finish in time to get into the YMCA and when I left the venue it was 48 degrees with a steady cold rain.  So, I've decided to forego the workout tonight and be okay with it.  I'll be hitting the Y again tomorrow.

I stopped at Walgreen's on the way home to pick up some trash bags.  I cannot count the number of times over the last year and a half that I've walked in that store and walked out with a whole bunch of binge calories.  Cereal, ice cream, cookies and milk, chips, candy bars--and sometimes more than one from this list...and all of it was there tonight.  And so was I.  I left Walgreen's with trash bags. That's it.  And that's huge for me.

I made it home, sliced up some sweet potato and threw 'em in the oven. Wrapped some fish in foil and threw it in there too. Every bit of food, every single day--is photographed and tweeted with calorie counts.  It's an extreme accountability, but it's what I need and I'm loving it. I'd love you to follow me on Twitter, @SeanAAnderson I'm also keeping a food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend. I hope you are too!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

I failed to mention my brush with law enforcement last evening.  I was in too much of a hurry to get to the YMCA. I was in a 40 mph zone and when it switched to a 30 mph zone, I kept going 37 mph. The officer asked for my license and insurance verification and much to my surprise, both had expired 04/30/2014.  I had insurance, of course, I just didn't have a current verification. I received a warning for the speeding and two citations for the other offenses. The officer told me to present proof of both, and the tickets would be dismissed. This meant two stops this morning, one to the insurance office and one to the tag agency where they issue the new drivers license. Both citations were dismissed.

I have the last three licenses and each picture shows a different stage of my transformation. The last was taken at 258 pounds. It was the first time my license reflected the truth about my weight.  The weights on my licenses have always showed a number between 50 and 108 pounds less than reality.  But not the last one--and I was so proud of that license because of what it represented. I was proud and confident in it and the weight displayed was accurate for a change. I didn't want to part with it today.  Luckily, I didn't have to. The new photo shows my considerable weight gain and since I unintentionally forgot to remind them--they left the weight as 258.  Oh well. As I once again achieve an optimal healthy weight, I'll have it redone to reflect the changes. Remember this photo?

I had a co-worker put this together for me in 2010. She is much more computer savvy than I am. She knew how to get rid of the critical information. I don't know how or I would add the new picture to these. The more I thought about all of the energy I was giving this new license thing, specifically the required photo, the more I started thinking on a deeper level.

I felt a slight twinge of shame, regret and embarrassment at the tag office today. It's lessened considerably since getting firmly back on track. But it's still there. 

Then, I had an epiphany on the way to the YMCA tonight. Why in the world should I ever allow the shape of my face or the size of my pants determine my self worth? This isn't how I treat others, so why would I treat me that way? 

And then I started thinking about the differences between how I felt about me at 505 and how I felt at 230 and that's when I experienced a breakthrough in my thinking. In that moment I imagined the scales of justice. On one side was my love for the non-physical parts (my mind, my sense of humor, my talents, my heart, my natural compassion for others, my ability to communicate, etc.) and the other side of the scale was my love for things physical about me. 

The personal injustice has been the obvious imbalance and distribution of my love for self.  At my heaviest, I had nearly zero love for the physical and what little love I had for the non-physical was small, barely existent and unacknowledged because I was too busy hating the way I looked. At my healthiest weight, I still paid little attention to the non-physical attributes because I was too busy loving the way I looked.  Throughout my entire life I've largely ignored the important things that make me who I am. My most intense focus was either hating the way I looked or loving the way I looked. With this narrow minded perspective, the only source of identity and self-worth remaining relied almost exclusively on my appearance. It isn't any wonder why I've limited myself over the years.  Even worse is the natural tendency to project this fluctuating self-perspective onto others, as in, if I feel this way about me, surely they do too. 

When I think about my closest loved ones, I realize their perspective of me is never conditional based on appearance. When I spend time with mom, she doesn't even notice the weight gain, she just sees her son. When I pick up my grandson and he looks at me and smiles, it's an innate understanding that I'm someone who loves him deeply and will protect and care for him no matter what. When I spend time with my daughters, it's clear their love for me isn't placed on a scale, ever.

And then I realized: This is what they mean when they say you must love yourself first before you can fully experience and appreciate the love and richness of life. Oh my goodness, I feel like shedding tears just writing these words. 

If I was confused before, it was very clear now. I'm a great person worthy of love regardless of my size and appearance. I have my mind, sense of humor, talents, a big heart, loads of compassion for others and so very much more. And none of it is diminished with weight gain or increased with weight loss. 

I am me, always.

And my journey will continue toward a healthier weight because I want to live, I want to move easier, I want to experience the freedom a healthy body weight provides. Regardless of how this journey goes, I believe I just discovered one of my greatest personal freedoms of all.  

All of this was processed over a ten minute period as I drove to my workout tonight, as if by divine placement in my brain, an answer to my unspoken, silent plea, why do I feel this way??

I walked into the YMCA tonight with a confidence I haven't felt in a very long time. I climbed aboard the orange trimmed elliptical and proceeded to have my best personal workout, possibly ever. My stride was longer. Within the mechanics of the machine, I was sprinting. And this energy never subsided. Last night I stopped ten minutes earlier than planned. Tonight, I could have easily done another twenty.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean       

Mom and Me-Mothers Day 2014          

May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good

May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good

The young man I wrote about in last night's blog did a fantastic job on the air this morning. Anyone who listened had to agree. He called at precisely 6:40am to the second and I went straight to air with his call. No pre-air chat prior and he handled it like a pro.  If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. I can't count how many people I've tried to interview, most of them about their own business--and they can't do it. The thought of broadcasting live over the air and knowing people are listening is too much for some to handle. But not this young man, not this morning. He was on. And he was awesome.

By the way, if you're not local to me and you want to listen to my morning show, you can online and even on your smart phone.  The phone app is called FreeStreams...download it, then search for 100.7FM KPNC. On your PC or Tablet, visit www.poncacitynow.com and click the "listen live" drop down menu, then select KPNC.  I should have included that in last night's post.

The way I've felt lately reminds me of the very early days of this blog. The level of determination to reclaim my healthiest weight is very much iron clad.  What's great about this time around is understanding myself so much better than before.

I'm also of the mindset, I'd like to have a do-over on being at a healthy weight. I wasn't equipped to properly handle it before. I was dealing with so many new experiences and emotions I didn't expect while I was living at goal.  In some ways, I felt like a stranger to myself. When I started to regain, it was almost like an attempt to get back to the place where I was most comfortable emotionally. Not physically, of course, but emotionally.  Anyone who's lost a "looks like a completely different person" amount of weight knows what I'm talking about when I say it felt strange to look in the mirror or at pictures...is that really me? I don't see myself like that when I close my eyes. I don't remember having a dream where I was at a healthy weight. I was still a morbidly obese person in my dreams.  It was as if my brain was rejecting the new me. This isn't an excuse of any kind, it's simply an interesting dynamic. I quickly realized all of my problems didn't magically go away because I was physically different at 230 pounds. I was so disappointed.  I often talked and wrote about this other work involved, but clearly I was hoping it would be far less work.

What it says to me is this: The inside work is just as crucial as the food and exercise. And ultimately, the inside work will not be denied. If it's ignored, it will assert itself in whatever way it needs to get the attention and care it demands and rightly deserves. Failed relationships? Did it. Self-destructive behaviors? Yep. Gaining back over half the weight I lost despite having so many wonderful reasons to take the best care? Of course.

The goal now is a more balanced approach. It's an approach where I pay just as much attention to what I need emotionally and spiritually, as I do to what I need physically. I want to speak to a group someday, just as Phil Werdell did last week, and talk about my 27 years of recovery and maintenance. Or as Gerri does all over the world with her 21 years of maintenance.

What's the best thing about feeling the way I do right now, today? It's discovering that the horribly hopeless thoughts I had while in free fall were all lies. It ISN'T impossible to reclaim the resolve and peace we once enjoyed. I know how it feels to be so out of control, in such a cold dark place---where thought after thought is diametrically opposed to what's better and you feel compelled, like your choices are not your own, as if you're possessed and being taken for a ride you'd rather not take...but you can't get it to stop. Or so it seems. If that's where you are, please believe me--it's not what it seems. There is hope. Don't give up, okay?? Please don't.

The truth is, you may not be a food addict. Seriously! You may be an emotional/stress eater, but not a food addict. Or maybe you're both, like me. If you want to get a better idea, visit foodaddiction.com where you'll find some key questions to ask yourself, questions that can help you have a better understanding one way or the other.

My Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today.  I had a craving for chili dogs yesterday so I grabbed some 98% fat free turkey dogs, some turkey chili and some swiss, among several other things. I put together a couple of Turkey Swiss Chili Dogs for dinner tonight--and oh wow, only 190 calories each.  It'll be a long while before I want those again, but I'll claim a victory in finding a way to change the errant, once in a blue moon chili dog thought, into something I could easily fit into my budget. I also cut up a small sweet potato and baked 'em into homemade sweet potato fries.  The pictures are all on my Twitter feed.

I had a good, sweaty, wonderful workout on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA tonight. Thank you Katrina and The Waves for the boost. I agree, it's time to feel good.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 12th, 2014 An Emotional Day

May 12th, 2014 An Emotional Day

It's been a powerful day. It was great day. It was a long day. It was an emotional day.  It was a day for gratitude. It was a day I'll not soon forget.

Returning to a regular writing schedule has been one of the best things for me.  It's been the most empowering thing to reconnect with the purpose and passion and the bottom line accountability it brings. One thing I will promise you and me: No matter how this goes, it will be chronicled in these pages.  In other words, when I fall, it will be here and when I soar, it will be here.  In the past, if my journey was the slightest out of alignment and many times, completely off the rails, I would cease writing altogether. Call it hiding, isolating or whatever--I honestly felt what I had to offer during those times wasn't helping me and certainly not others.  But the other side of the great days is important too.  This isn't about perfection. This is about life.  Real life. And real life isn't perfect. It rains sometimes.  So there you go, no more sudden disappearances from the blogging world. I've made a commitment to me that is in many ways stronger than my initial weight loss "run."  I'm not afraid of the accountability because I have nothing to fear.

Yesterday I shared a list of foods I don't trust myself around anymore.  How could I forget cold cereals, milk and mixed nuts?  With me, one bowl leads to another and one handful, the same thing.  It's important to note that this list has developed from my own personal behavior, habits and track record.  I'm not condemning any of these foods, I'm just saying I will not keep them around my living space. This list is something fairly new to me, after all, I was the one "eating what I liked and nothing I didn't," and I always promoted the nothing is off limits philosophy, the idea being to not villain-ize any particular food---but to change the behavior and perspective used while eating them.  I still offer the "nothing is off limits" advice to anyone who is just starting and asking it of me.  Why?  Because I believe it's important to simplify this journey as much as possible in the beginning, then as you go your choices can naturally evolve for a variety of reasons.  My food evolution has brought me to sobering truths about my addiction and emotional/stress eating, which are two different things. Now I know things about me that I had no way of knowing in September 2008.  Also, when I post every bite of food I consume on twitter, I'm not saying anyone should eat what I'm eating. We all must navigate our own likes and dislikes, and over time, with effort and awareness, our food choices can evolve in a positive way.   

I had an emotional afternoon, wonderful, but emotional.  I received a private message recently asking if I would come and visit a young man at the Opportunity Village, a sheltered workshop for adults with developmental disabilities.  I had met this young man once before at an outdoor festival.  The private message shared with me that he listens to my radio show every morning and he talks about me all the time. The person sending the message told me it would mean the world to him for me to visit and she went on to tell me his favorite song.  I agreed to visit and it was set for today.

I honestly didn't realize the level of emotion this meeting would evoke. I brought him a CD of his favorite song and with a smile, I made my way into the building where I was greeted and thanked by staff for coming. This young man is blind and bound by a severe developmental disability, the exact kind I don't know, and it doesn't matter. What I do know is the reaction he had upon hearing my voice instantly moved me to holding back tears.  There was a big group of people all around as I mustered every bit of will I could to keep from breaking down right then and there.

This young man, so positive, so happy and so inspiring, touched me. He was giving me something far greater than what I brought to him.  The visit we shared meant the world to him, this was very clear in every word he said, every question he asked and every touch of my hand. He made a difference in me today. By just being himself and so wonderful, He gave me perspective and reminded me to be grateful and to not take anything for granted, and to be kind, always.  He asked if he could be on my show tomorrow (Tuesday) morning at 6:40am to talk about the Oklahoma Special Olympics State Summer Games coming up later this week.  Of course he can. It would be my pleasure. What an amazing young man.

When I made it to the car, I pulled out of the parking lot crying harder than I have since I lost my brother in 2001. He reminded me of my little brother Shane. That was it.  Connecting with this young man today instantly took my brain back to a time when I could share a conversation with Shane. I was Shane's hero too and I never really felt worthy of that admiration. I also don't think I ever properly or completely grieved over losing him.  Back then, I stuffed those emotions down with more food.

The overwhelming emotions today brought an initial compulsion to eat, it did...I recognized it sitting in traffic, wiping my tears with my shirt. I was drained. Instead of eating, I decided to take a nap. I needed one.
I woke up 2.5 hours later. That was way too long for a nap.  I didn't need that long of a nap, I assure you. Now I find myself up too late, again.

I started to prepare dinner and realized I was out of too many things, so I opted to dine at the Mexican restaurant not far from my apartment and make a grocery trip later, after my workout.  I navigated that restaurant to the best of my ability, getting in and out for 546 calories.  My strategy was solid. I counted out the serving of chips, separating them from the bowl. Then I asked the server to remove the remaining chips from the table.  I ordered two crispy chicken tacos with the cheese on the side and a small serving of guacamole.  I avoided the typical rice and beans, sipped ice water and ended up leaving over 100 calories on the table. (the 546 is the adjusted count)

After dinner I dropped in on my oldest daughter Amber for a quick visit and then it was off to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the elliptical.  Thirty minutes may not sound like much--but it is phenomenal what it does for me.

I finished the workout and headed to the grocery store where I shopped while listening to my favorite inspirational/motivational songs.  I did this for the first time recently and found that it greatly reduced the desire to waiver from my list.  I ran into a couple of people I knew, so I took one ear plug out to talk, then put it back in and rocked my way around the store.  It was a nice ending to a powerful day.

I'll be weighing again on Wednesday May 21st, then I'll have a weigh day update every three weeks. That works for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning.  It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon.  I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me.  It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day.  Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.

My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three.  What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain.  After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today.  A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right.  I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller.  I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.

It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success.  I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be.  It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day.  When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour.  My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment.  And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.

I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey.  I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey.  See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson

I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today.  I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk.  I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits.  I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me.  Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.

I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles.  I might need to consider a new pair of shoes.  The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up.  This could be interesting.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me

May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me

I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain.  When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.

I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction.  I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did.  I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point.  When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."

My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast.  Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right.  It sets the tone for me.  I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about.  It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.

Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group.  He shared many things I needed to hear.  One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance.  It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.

The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort.  It's a shift in perspective.  When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair???  You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff.  Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying.  But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.

The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze!  My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way.  And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose. 

I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA.  I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.

I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment.  Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.

The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today.  If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson.  Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully.  And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 8th, 2014 Panic!

May 8th, 2014 Panic!

Today was a good day, although a little more challenging.  It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.

I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.

This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd.  I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all.  I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give.  I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be.  So I said yes.

I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion.  And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage.  Then I started having a panic attack.  I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days.  I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...

After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight.  I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...

As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan.  They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music.  Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"

Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.

Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there.  I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script.  I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra. 

I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.

I finished and immediately left the venue.  I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting.  Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night.  My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling.  I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.

The road back seems much harder than the initial trip.  But I'm loving it and learning through it.  And I'm going to make it just fine.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean    

May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day

May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day

Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional.  I woke up feeling rested.  I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.

I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...

"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"

I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show.  I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff.  I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long.  Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good.  So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.

I must stop right here.

You see...

I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year.  I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay.  But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain.  And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma.  It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building.  I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.

I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see.  If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too.  Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe.  In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves.  And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?

Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"

Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."

Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"

Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."

Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"

Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."

Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."

That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.

Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.

I checked in and went straight for the locker room.  I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me.  I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.

I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How??  My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.

The songs were speaking to me...

OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."

DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."

Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."

"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me.  It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."

I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride.  It's beyond description.

What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice.  And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five.  As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!

I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world.  Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom.  It was good. 

Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully.  You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505  The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 5th, 2014 What If?

May 5th, 2014 What If?

I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night.  I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided.  What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue.  I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.

I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...

What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined?  What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am?  What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters?  What would happen if I set myself free?  What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation?  That would be a transformation!  And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if?  I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.

These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours.  I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.

I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.

You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson.  And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count.  Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!"  No, not at all.  It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me.  Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me.  If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

The radio alarm clock hit 4:30am and blasted Billy Joel throughout my apartment so loud, I can't imagine the neighbors didn't hear. I've asked the two likeliest recipients of this early morning concert if they ever hear anything and they say they haven't heard a thing. Turning the volume level "all the way to 11" has been a regular thing for me my entire life.  And when my body stops fighting the rest and finally goes deep, I need all the decibels I can get to wake. I've slept through an hour of music several times before my alarm clock gives up on me, shutting itself off.  This morning?  I opened my eyes and listened to Billy play and sing so perfectly. Like a scientist assessing results of an experiment, I stayed still, eyes open staring at the wall and pondering the idea of adding learning to play the piano to my list of dreams. That's good because my first thought wasn't, oh my goodness, Lord help me make it through today...my first thought was who teaches piano around here and how much does it cost?  

I jumped up, turned down the volume and looked in the mirror.  I had the new mask on tight, real tight and the proof was in the red markings on the bridge of my nose and forehead.  My eyes felt better, my head not bad and my body didn't feel horrible at all. All of these positives were proof that this new mask made a difference.  It wasn't easy to get comfortable enough to go to sleep, but when I did, I did sleep. I felt rested. Adjusting to this new full face mask is kind of like trying to go to sleep while opening your mouth directly in front of a high powered fan.  If we could get a video camera inside the mask, I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch.  Eventually I fell into the rhythm of the assisted breathing and slept better than I have in a long while. Of course the more solid proof would be found in how I felt throughout the day.

I had a full day, without a split shift--no nap, not a wink and I was a production machine. A colleague went home early, taking a half day vacation, so I took care of what needed to be done.  And I did it without any trouble, not a bit. This was so good.  I'm so happy, finally--some relief!!

I packed breakfast, fresh fruit snacks and lunch supplies this morning.  Making sure I'm prepared makes keeping the budget in tact much easier.  When lunch rolled around, I was offered a Subway sandwich instead of my planned food and it worked well.  I powered through after lunch, getting more done and still feeling good as I pushed into about an hour of overtime.  My plan wasn't a late afternoon nap.  My plan was to go clothes shopping.  And that sucked.

As much as I hate to spend money on bigger clothes, it's a must. Our expected high on Tuesday is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't keep wearing a cold weather getup.  I have an entire closet full of small clothes just waiting for their triumphant return.  But this takes time and I'll be patient.  I'm headed back into that closet someday in the not too distant future.  It's okay.  And as I looked around for clothes in this temporarily bigger size, I had to keep reminding myself that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm making a wonderful comeback and this time with all the lessons learned along the way.  The more I asserted the positive, the more clothes I found that didn't fit.  It was like a tug of war between my positive thoughts and the reality of where I am.  And where I was, was the wrong store, obviously.

I remember opening an email from a Big and Tall store one time, shortly after hitting 230 pounds and replying to the email with "please take me off your list, I've lost 275 pounds and I no longer need your clothing."  A simple "take me off your list" would have worked, but I was proud and I wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be needing their insanely overpriced clothing.  Now I'm faced with the expensive task of heading to the Big and Tall store once again after I swore I'd never step foot in one again. And that's okay.  It's gotta be okay.  I need clothing. As much as it hurts to walk back in there and as much as my natural inclination is to beat myself up senselessly for it, I must let those emotions go and look at the other side of this deal.

I'm very lucky.  I'm very blessed.  And I have a very long gratitude list.  I've still kept off over 100 pounds of what I initially lost, so its not as unfortunate as it could have been. And I'm finally finding what certainly seems to be a solution to my sleep crisis. Things are looking up!! I'm writing everyday, I'm tracking my food and maintaining a calorie budget too.  I'm feeling like I've returned to a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually where I'm confident I'm headed in the direction I need.  And I'm the 42 year old grandfather of the cutest little 10 month old on the planet. God willing, I've got a whole lot of good life ahead of me. Buying a few clothing items to get me through as I lose more weight really isn't anything to be down about at all.  I'm grateful I have the opportunity to learn and grow from here.

After a good dinner and a wonderful almost two mile walk, I'm ready to hit the pillow.  And I'm looking forward to the experience as I rediscover better rest. My calorie budget is a little bit under target and that's okay tonight.

You're invited to take a peek at my food pictures on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson
And you'll find my food and exercise diary logged on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

April 28th, 2014 Turning Off The Self-Judgment

April 28^th, 2014 Turning Off The Self-Judgment

I'm a creature of habit. My breakfast menu usually has two options: Eggs and sometimes cheese, wrapped in a Joseph's 60 calorie pita, or placed on a 100 calorie sandwich thin if the pitas aren't available. Or steel cut oats and perhaps a few scrambled egg whites. Rarely, in a tight pinch—if I wake up too late to prepare, I've allowed a fruit and maple oatmeal and scrambled eggs or a fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonald's. I've pretty much concluded the McDonald's Oatmeal and the parfait options need to go simply because each contain a significant amount of sugar. And for me, sugar is like a drug.

Is it possible for me to start my day with a double dose of sugar and still maintain my calorie budget throughout the day? Yes, I've done it. But, in making those choices I'm choosing to make things much harder. And just to be fair—I've started the day like that many times before and spiraled out of control in a feeding frenzy before sundown, check that—before noon. This cause and effect self-analysis isn't something I've always considered or realized about myself, it's a fairly new epiphany, as in the last couple of years.

When someone is just getting started and they ask me for advice, I stand behind exactly what I did from the beginning. I tell them to maintain a calorie budget and exercise, period. I tell them, “eat what you like and nothing you don't. Don't complicate this process. Get accustomed to eating less, naturally. Focus on maintaining the integrity of your calorie budget and you'll naturally evolve into making better choices along the way.” And I go on: “You can get fancy later. If you're like I was, simply cutting down to an intake best suited for weight loss is a big enough victory in the beginning. Start with this and allow your natural evolution of good choices to unfold.” Of course the conversation also turns to the emotional and psychological side of this very big battle most of us have in common. We all know this is about much more than food and exercise.  

I find myself in an awkward position lately. I have traveled over five years along this road and I've learned a great deal about myself and now I tend to be more critical of my own food choices. And some of those, like the sugar, for good reason. But what happens is, if I choose something that I've mentally noted isn't good for me, I immediately bring about negative feelings about what I'm doing. Does this make sense? I can make myself feel like a failure even when the choice fit nicely within my Calorie Bank and Trust. Even if it's something I enjoyed and even celebrated along the way of my initial success.

I didn't eat fruit and maple oatmeal from McDonald's this morning or a parfait. I did prepare my usual eggs and cheese wrapped in a Joseph's pita—and it was delicious. I had some fresh fruit for snacks and I enjoyed a fabulous lunch and dinner too. So where does this line of thought come from? I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. It takes me so much longer to shop now because I'm judging everything I put into my basket. Why am I doing this to myself? I believe it's because I've raised the bar of expectation very high. And while it's good to raise the bar as you go and ascend to new confident levels—I must recognize when retreating to the basics is imperative for my stability. If I continue to struggle living up to the highest expectations I've set for myself, then I'll continue to be disappointed in myself when I fall a little short. And the negative consequences of those emotions are not acceptable any longer.

I am retreating to the basics with a few exceptions. Anything high sugar or high fat is a minefield for me, so I'll tread lightly or not at all with those. I'm more specifically proclaiming: I will be less self-critical and self-judgmental. Because here's the bare truth: The barriers I've created within myself via shame and guilt—the avoiding pictures, the dreading public appearances and doing my best to avoid seeing people I haven't in a long while for fear they'll judge me or be disappointed in me---these barriers have been built with my own self-judgment and disappointment in me...and I've been amplifying and projecting it upon others. No more of that insanity. My fear of receiving this from others is actually a reflection of my own judgment!

In order to return to my healthiest weight and be more fit than ever, I have to embrace where I am, who I am and what I'm doing. And feel good about it 100%. And be kind to myself. Is it hard sometimes? Yes it is, very. And I don't necessarily understand all of the psychological dynamics of why I treat myself the way I do sometimes. But I know for certain that breaking this habit of self-sabotage is key to the healthiest visions of my future.

I'm headed to the trail for a good walk. It'll compliment all the stair climbing I did today. I don't even count the stair climbing normally—but today I noticed because it was unusually high between work and home, maybe 20 flights of stairs? That's fairly accurate.

I can't even begin to express how much consistently writing is helping me. It makes all the difference in the world. I look forward to so many incredible things ahead.

I'd love you to join me on twitter: @SeanAAnderson and on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading and for your incredible support,

Strength,

Sean