May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

I failed to mention my brush with law enforcement last evening.  I was in too much of a hurry to get to the YMCA. I was in a 40 mph zone and when it switched to a 30 mph zone, I kept going 37 mph. The officer asked for my license and insurance verification and much to my surprise, both had expired 04/30/2014.  I had insurance, of course, I just didn't have a current verification. I received a warning for the speeding and two citations for the other offenses. The officer told me to present proof of both, and the tickets would be dismissed. This meant two stops this morning, one to the insurance office and one to the tag agency where they issue the new drivers license. Both citations were dismissed.

I have the last three licenses and each picture shows a different stage of my transformation. The last was taken at 258 pounds. It was the first time my license reflected the truth about my weight.  The weights on my licenses have always showed a number between 50 and 108 pounds less than reality.  But not the last one--and I was so proud of that license because of what it represented. I was proud and confident in it and the weight displayed was accurate for a change. I didn't want to part with it today.  Luckily, I didn't have to. The new photo shows my considerable weight gain and since I unintentionally forgot to remind them--they left the weight as 258.  Oh well. As I once again achieve an optimal healthy weight, I'll have it redone to reflect the changes. Remember this photo?

I had a co-worker put this together for me in 2010. She is much more computer savvy than I am. She knew how to get rid of the critical information. I don't know how or I would add the new picture to these. The more I thought about all of the energy I was giving this new license thing, specifically the required photo, the more I started thinking on a deeper level.

I felt a slight twinge of shame, regret and embarrassment at the tag office today. It's lessened considerably since getting firmly back on track. But it's still there. 

Then, I had an epiphany on the way to the YMCA tonight. Why in the world should I ever allow the shape of my face or the size of my pants determine my self worth? This isn't how I treat others, so why would I treat me that way? 

And then I started thinking about the differences between how I felt about me at 505 and how I felt at 230 and that's when I experienced a breakthrough in my thinking. In that moment I imagined the scales of justice. On one side was my love for the non-physical parts (my mind, my sense of humor, my talents, my heart, my natural compassion for others, my ability to communicate, etc.) and the other side of the scale was my love for things physical about me. 

The personal injustice has been the obvious imbalance and distribution of my love for self.  At my heaviest, I had nearly zero love for the physical and what little love I had for the non-physical was small, barely existent and unacknowledged because I was too busy hating the way I looked. At my healthiest weight, I still paid little attention to the non-physical attributes because I was too busy loving the way I looked.  Throughout my entire life I've largely ignored the important things that make me who I am. My most intense focus was either hating the way I looked or loving the way I looked. With this narrow minded perspective, the only source of identity and self-worth remaining relied almost exclusively on my appearance. It isn't any wonder why I've limited myself over the years.  Even worse is the natural tendency to project this fluctuating self-perspective onto others, as in, if I feel this way about me, surely they do too. 

When I think about my closest loved ones, I realize their perspective of me is never conditional based on appearance. When I spend time with mom, she doesn't even notice the weight gain, she just sees her son. When I pick up my grandson and he looks at me and smiles, it's an innate understanding that I'm someone who loves him deeply and will protect and care for him no matter what. When I spend time with my daughters, it's clear their love for me isn't placed on a scale, ever.

And then I realized: This is what they mean when they say you must love yourself first before you can fully experience and appreciate the love and richness of life. Oh my goodness, I feel like shedding tears just writing these words. 

If I was confused before, it was very clear now. I'm a great person worthy of love regardless of my size and appearance. I have my mind, sense of humor, talents, a big heart, loads of compassion for others and so very much more. And none of it is diminished with weight gain or increased with weight loss. 

I am me, always.

And my journey will continue toward a healthier weight because I want to live, I want to move easier, I want to experience the freedom a healthy body weight provides. Regardless of how this journey goes, I believe I just discovered one of my greatest personal freedoms of all.  

All of this was processed over a ten minute period as I drove to my workout tonight, as if by divine placement in my brain, an answer to my unspoken, silent plea, why do I feel this way??

I walked into the YMCA tonight with a confidence I haven't felt in a very long time. I climbed aboard the orange trimmed elliptical and proceeded to have my best personal workout, possibly ever. My stride was longer. Within the mechanics of the machine, I was sprinting. And this energy never subsided. Last night I stopped ten minutes earlier than planned. Tonight, I could have easily done another twenty.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean       

Mom and Me-Mothers Day 2014          

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

Today was a tough one. It wasn't tough with food and exercise, I did stay within budget and I had a good 1.7 mile walk this morning.  It was tough because I made a trip to buy some clothes to get me through.  I hated to spend money on clothing I know I'll be too small for in a month, but I needed them, so I did it.

Subjunctive thoughts plagued me today, you know the "if only, had I just done X, coulda, woulda, shouda" line of thinking.

Inside that painful box known as the dressing room, surrounded by mirrors revealing the reality that is, I couldn't help but think about my positive plans, hopes and dreams as they once were and then wonder how I ended up back here, looking at a much larger body as if it were a stranger, but knowing it was me...it was all of me. And how did I not realize how far I was heading back?  I foolishly believed one more day wouldn't hurt, but in that line of thinking, the ONE day needed is put off until reality slaps you hard. I've had several of those slaps along the way.  And it hurts.

As I was trying on and rejecting articles of clothing for various reasons, namely because of size, the only comforting thought was that I'm headed in the correct direction once again.  And with that thought comes a fierce determination to never see those Destination XL employees again.  Nothing personal toward them...Just, you know.

I settled on a few items and made my way to the counter and another thought occurred to me. I must immediately re-frame my thoughts on this whole situation.

Subjunctive phrasing and thinking is fun and exciting when it's applied to the future because it encourages positive hypothetical thoughts.  When it's directed to the past, it opens up a plethora of opportunities to feel very negative things.  No more of that nonsense.  Did you know some languages never use subjunctives in their language and grammar?  So these type of thoughts never occur to them. They literally don't understand the idea of "If only I had done this, things would be different." In languages void of this, they simply live today, never wandering into the land of "shoulda, woulda, coulda." It's not that they don't understand consequences, they do, but they don't dwell on the imagined consequences of things that never occurred.

If you're like me, someone who's been on both sides of the scale, then you'll get this: We've had one of the rarest opportunities--the experience of transforming into what appears to be a completely different person. But here's the deal--the core of who we are doesn't change. I'm not saying it can't change, of course it can--but these inner changes aren't dependent on diet and exercise.  With good eating and exercise, the appearance changes--the outside, sure--but we're still who we are. And that is who we must love.

I talked to mom on the phone today and explained what I was doing and why and how I was feeling about it and her first question was, "Did you gain weight?"  She loves me regardless of my size, to the point of not even seeing the difference.  She loved 505 pound Sean just as much as 230 pound Sean because she has unconditional love for me.  That doesn't mean she doesn't want me to be healthy, she certainly does, but when she sees me she doesn't see a weight, she sees her son.  And this is what I must do. I must love myself unconditionally, regardless of weight or appearance--simply because I'm me. Anything less and we get all of this negative mental noise plaguing our efforts, weighing us down and making our travels along this road harder than it needs to be.

I know I've written about this self-love and acceptance topic many times and just when I get to the point of thinking I have an honest handle on it, I walk into the dressing room of a big and tall store and I forget everything.

The point of developing the habits, routines and discipline to achieve and maintain a healthy weight can't be because we'll love and accept ourselves more. That part must be a separate deal--a separate work and understanding. Getting to a number on a scale doesn't change the most important element needed for our continued success: A truce, an embrace--an unconditional love of self anchored in our own personal spirituality.  We get that part straight and I believe the body follows the mind.

Perhaps I needed to gain back a portion of what I lost in order for me to learn and deeply understand these things.

I enjoyed a nice walk this morning. It's rare for me to walk in the AM. It felt so good to be out there moving, listening to my favorite music and feeling good about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.  I'm staying connected and that's a big deal.  I'm making me a priority, even more so than before.  I'm taking care the best I can today.  I'm not perfect by any stretch, I'm just me... And ME is going to be alright.

Food was really good today...Oh my, from an amazing turkey melt omelet, to fresh fruit snacking while driving, to the Chipotle visit for a post shopping dinner...I ate well and stayed comfortably within my budget.
If you're interested, you can check out my food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username SeanAAnderson.  And for food pictures, visit me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson

I've had several remind me they don't do twitter, however you can still see the page without an account--simply click on www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  I'm using Twitter and MyFitnessPal this way in order to amp up the accountability factor.  It works very well for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean