I Surrender

I Surrender

Hey, my old friend.  Good to see you again.  We accomplished so much together.  Remember Day 135, that letter, oh my...one of my favorite times with you, indeed.  Day 327 was a game changer... and, and the day we hit the 200 pounds lost milestone, I'll never forget it!  And of course, November 16th, 2010--goal day...wow, I could hardly believe how far we had traveled.  I remember looking in the mirror and barely recognizing the reflection.  Can you believe it's been two years since goal day?  I know, I know...we're not here to revisit the glory days of this transformation.  

We have more important things to discuss. 

I owe you so much.  I've missed you.  Oh, I know you've always been here, it's been me avoiding you.  I need you now more than I did before.  I've been lost, so deeply lost---spiraling out of control, into an abyss I thought I'd never see again.  I've tried over and over to pull myself back onto the path and still, the self-destructive tendencies of addiction pull harder.  It would be easier to accept had you never shown me the truth.  I can no longer escape the truth and wisdom you've gifted me.  I can't keep running from you, hoping I'll wake up and magically feel like I did before.  I need your strength because I'm not powerful enough on my own.  I surrender.  I'm holding out my hand, please pull me up.  I don't want to go back there ever again.  Please keep me in your embrace.  I'll listen, I'll learn, I'll be patient and I'll share.

You know my heart.  You know my truest desires and passions to overcome and spread a message of hope to anyone and everyone battling obesity, especially those like me, the food addict-emotional/compulsive eater.  Maybe this is a test you're giving me.  Maybe you're tired of me ignoring you and foolishly trying to be all powerful over my addiction.  I dare not question you.  You know what?  Maybe I should simply stop trying to figure out the why and how I've found myself here and simply be grateful for the hope, love and strength you so generously provide.  Thank you for every blessing you've given me.  I'm ready to fully regain control and I can only do it with your strength and guidance.

Thank you for humbling me.  Thank you for getting my attention.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

My heart burst with gratitude, Lord.

Sincerely,
Sean  
  
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Dear friends,

The last six months have gone by so quickly.  I've learned a valuable lesson, many lessons actually and it's only now I feel I can honestly sit down and write it out, honestly.

As I started to slip, I kept telling myself it would be okay and I could easily get back into my groove.  And I would, for a day or two, maybe three...then I would slip again.  I walked with a foolish confidence, full of pride in my accomplishments while ignoring inarguable truths that had brought me so far.  I would often turn to facebook and write something brimming with truthful realness in hopes of inspiring myself.  You might have thought those uplifting and inspirational posts were written exclusively for others...not entirely...oh no.  And then I started sharing my struggles--hinting at a much worse reality, but still not fully acknowledging just how bad it had become.  Remember this one?


"The key to maintaining my weight loss is squarely on my ability to understand my needs in coping with stress and emotions.  I must always understand food's role and my role.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix my issues within.  It's my responsibility to work on my issues in handling and understanding stress and emotions in a very direct way.  Food cannot and will not be used as an escape from this responsibility ever again."

Or this revealing post:

"Despite the glaring truths revealed along the way, I sometimes struggle by foolishly searching for comfort in food. Knowing the truth about emotional eating doesn't mean we're immune or somehow “cured.” With personal awareness, acknowledgment and support, we can overcome. Facing my own personal awareness and finding your support has been a wonderful gift. Now, I'm once again feeling the comfort that comes with consistency in my Calorie Bank and exercise choices. And that kind of comfort is so wonderfully wholesome instead of deceptive, shallow and fleeting."

Or how about this one--written after a Friday night binge alone in my apartment:

"Dear addiction: When I'm feeling lost and alone, I reach for you. Let me have you in this moment so I can feel good again. I'll pull you to my lips and taste your temporary and deceptive relief from my pain. You taste so good, but the flavor quickly fades, replaced by a darker reality than before. I must resist your temptation and realize, it is not you tempting me, it's the tempting allure of escape. The road to freedom isn't down this dead-end street, yet I make the turn. I pray for strength against these damning compulsions. I stare myself down in the mirror, wipe away the tears and choose change. I'm stronger for the moment, until these emotional and circumstantial realities gain ground again, just as I grow weak. The process repeats, creating struggle--and it will over and over, until I confront, dissect, better understand and find a peaceful accord inside me, thus aligning with my truest self. You see, addiction, I'm on to you and your deception and I refuse to let you win. I'm winning, okay? You hear me? I'm winning."

 
 As I fell deeper and deeper back into my addiction, I started feeling like a disgraced evangelist.  I was spreading positive energy, truth, wisdom and hope one day then cruising up and down restaurant row looking for a fix the next.  People know me around here.  More copies of my book have sold around here per capita than anywhere.  Rarely a week goes by when someone doesn't come up and tell me how they enjoyed the book.  And that kind of feedback feels good when I'm doing my best.  Anytime it's happened in the last six months, it's been slightly terrifying, because--What if they notice I've gained some weight?  Did they see me ordering that 750 calorie dessert at Braum's? 

I fell back into the same patterns as before--hiding my addiction, escaping--sabotaging myself and relationships along the way...straight into another drive through where my dealer awaits.  My dealer doesn't ask questions.  I give them the code number A21 and for $5.86 they hand me roughly 2500 calories of sesame chicken and fried rice.  I tell myself I'll just have a reasonable portion, but I know I can't stop.  I also know there isn't a reasonable portion of this, for me.  The poison I've chosen holds the perfect combination in unlocking the floodgates of my addiction.  It's battered and deep fat fried then coated in a sugary sweet and slightly spicy sauce.  I've come to realize several foods to be my "trigger" foods, but none quite like this dish.  The combination of sugar, fat and carbohydrates is a deadly mixture for me.  If I were an alcoholic, it would be a bottle of Jack Daniels--and I can't allow myself to smell it or even have the tiniest taste.  After indulging--the high sets in...I can feel my heart beating faster.  I hadn't paid much attention to the physical reaction of binges past, but now--every beat of my heart is a reminder of a place I promised I would never visit again. 

Releasing my special "I'm Choosing Change" leather adjustable bracelet was a brief turning point.  I put it on and felt a renewed power.  I would wear it, looking at it constantly during moments of weakness.  Eventually, I realized my struggles, my choices---my compulsions, were very much choosing change, but not the kind of change I had in mind.  In a state of self loathing, I recently took it off because I felt I was disgracing its powerful message in my wandering ignorance.  

The physical symptoms of my struggles have shown themselves in every way you can imagine.  When my size 36 jeans started getting too tight, I would squeeze into them anyway, until I couldn't anymore.  I ended up wearing more forgiving wardrobe choices, like workout pants.  Not because I was headed to the gym, because they wouldn't cut off my circulation and complicate my breathing.  

When shirts started getting tight, I quickly retreated to the same technique I once relied on as an obese  child: I started wearing a warm sweater jacket to "cover up" the evidence of my gain--even if it was too warm outside for such a choice.

Getting fitted for a tuxedo was another real moment.  Realizing I had gone from a 46 long back into a 50 long in a matter of months was sobering--truly depressing.   

And all of a sudden, instead of loving the camera for the first time in my life, I found myself hating it again and the truth it was quickly starting to reveal.

How could I have allowed this to happen???  After all the good I've experienced??  After so much success?  What about the writing from my April blog post??  Remember this:
 
“The illusion that food somehow makes my troubles and stress easier to handle is gone.  The tendency to abuse food like a drug is gone.  Does this mean it's some kind of effortless day to day existence?

Not at all.

I'm human.  I have cravings.  I love the taste of food.  The difference now is this: Instead of making food my number one focus and my number one go-to in the face of stress and emotions of every kind, I simply appreciate food and what it does for me.  I don't ask food to be something it isn't.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix anything other than my hunger and nutritional needs.  When I stopped putting inappropriate and unrealistic expectations on food, things started dramatically changing inside my head.”

The second sentence there was obviously not true.  I honestly thought it was gone.  I was, in a way--renouncing my addiction and proclaiming I no longer had those compulsions to abuse food.  I will always be a food addict.  Does this mean I'm doomed?  Not at all.  There's plenty of truth in the above paragraph too.  Maybe better with some slight modifications:

 
...Instead of making food my number one focus and my number one go-to in the face of stress and emotions of every kind, I will remember to appreciate food and what it does for me.  I will not ask food to be something it isn't.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix anything other than my hunger and nutritional needs.  When I remember to stop putting inappropriate and unrealistic expectations on food, my dream of maintaining a healthy and appropriate relationship with food becomes easier to navigate.  

So, what in the world has been bothering me so much over the last six months?  In other words, what emotions and circumstances have I been avoiding and stuffing with food?  I'll not go down the list for a couple of reasons:  1. Treating my emotional and circumstantial realities like a list of excuses isn't appropriate.  I'm attending weekly therapy sessions and they're proving to be extremely helpful in gaining a better understanding of me on levels I hadn't explored.  I highly recommend counseling of some kind to anyone wanting to explore and face facets and patterns of their life that are sometimes very hard to understand.  2. Sometimes the issues are simply too personal and writing about them, again--would read like a list of excuses and in my opinion would be considered inappropriate, or "tmi" content.

So what about now, today?  How much have I regained?

I've avoided the scale for a very long time.  I've even told close personal friends the gain is around 30 to 40 pounds or so.

I recently weighed again and discovered the truth.  If I'm to reclaim my freedom from this relapse--blog about it along the way and enjoy your generous support, then you need to know and deserve to know the truth of where I am. 

289.  A 59 pound gain.  It could have been much worse.  My intermittent awakenings over the last six months must have kept it from becoming a 100 pound gain... I don't know.  I'm very blessed to be present again, aware and moving in a positive direction.

Here we go, my friend.  If you're struggling too, please join me--I'll support you too and we'll choose change together.

It's back to the basics for me.  Calorie Bank and Trust--Daily exercise---Steel Curtain Zone...  And writing in this blog...

This time, I'm armed with new information about myself.  I'm not Superman and I don't have to be... I have a higher power I'll lean on for strength.  And some of the most incredible friends all over the world offering support.  You're a wonderful blessing to me. Thank you.

Also, I've finally admitted that although I once proudly proclaimed "Nothing is off limits," there certainly are some things I must declare off limits for me.  A21 at the Chinese Express isn't an option for me, ever, for any reason.
 
I just put on a new "I'm Choosing Change" bracelet.  It feels good.

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 1,329 Dynamics of Maintaining

Day 1,329

Dynamics of Maintaining

When I hit goal in November 2010, I had the benefit of twenty-six months and a day to prepare me for the next phase of the rest of my life: Maintaining my weight loss.

Had my focus been heavy on the food and exercise fundamentals instead of the mental dynamics along the way, this may have been an anxiety filled idea.  Would I spend the rest of my life constantly balancing my food intake with exercise in a never ending pursuit of keeping the weight off?  The answer is yes and no.

Yes--Because eating and exercise will be two things I do forever.
No--Because I've changed my relationship with food.

The illusion that food somehow makes my troubles and stress easier to handle is gone.  The tendency to abuse food like a drug is gone.  Does this mean it's some kind of effortless day to day existence?

Not at all.

I'm human.  I have cravings.  I love the taste of food.  The difference now is this: Instead of making food my number one focus and my number one go-to in the face of stress and emotions of every kind, I simply appreciate food and what it does for me.  I don't ask food to be something it isn't.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix anything other than my hunger and nutritional needs.  When I stopped putting inappropriate and unrealistic expectations on food, things started dramatically changing inside my head.

Figuring out the boundaries of "normal" portions was an educational process.  I always figured my giant 1/2 plate of mashed potatoes loaded with gravy neatly filling up the hole I made in the middle, was perfectly normal.  Discovering I was capable of enjoying a third of this in a regular portion was key for me.
I've written about my favorite foods before.  These favorites are foods I'm extremely cautious around: Peanut butter, cottage cheese, cheese of any kind and ice cream.  I recently threw away a jar of peanut butter from my pantry after a few spoonful trips.  Was it bad, these 100-200 calorie spoonful snacks?  Nutritional speaking, not at all.  Mentally speaking, yes.  I know my history with these favorites, so I'm ultra aware of my behaviors around them.  And this self-analysis is unique to each of us--and very important to assess, acknowledge, understand and monitor.

As long as I'm treating food the way it should be treated: Eating normal portions at appropriate times, then I don't have regaining issues or anxiety.  This isn't to say that my weight doesn't fluctuate to a degree.  Sure it does, especially if I'm missing too many workouts.  But the comfort is this: If my size 36 jeans start to get a little tight, I'm confident it's from lack of exercise and not because of my behaviors with food.

Separating stress and emotions from our daily behaviors with food is imperative to our success.  But how?  For me, it was writing.  The therapy found in writing out my feelings; dissecting my behaviors and really getting to the bottom of my motivations, has been and continues to be a stringent test of self-honesty.  I've recently learned about how every behavior, every action meets some kind of need.  What are we really after?  I highly recommend writing everyday in an effort to sort out these things.  And if you have the luxury of a professional therapist, that's awesome too.

The key to maintaining my weight loss is squarely on my ability to understand my needs in coping with stress and emotions.  I must always understand food's role and my role.  Food isn't a therapist.  Food doesn't fix my issues within.  It's my responsibility to work on my issues in handling and understanding stress and emotions in a very direct way.  Food cannot and will not be used as an escape from this responsibility ever again.

A normal day for me starts with breakfast.  I prepare a protein rich breakfast balanced with some fruit and yogurt most of the time.  I love the calorie value of egg whites, I do.  My breakfast calories usually run somewhere between 250-350 calories.  I pack some good snacks to take with me.  I often cut up an apple, grab an extra banana, fill a baggie with baby carrots and take along an extra yogurt.  These snacks serve me throughout the day.  And as long as I turn to them more often than a handful of salty snacks found in the break room, I'm winning.  Dinner can be a challenge sometimes.  My goal is to eventually eat only lean meats, fruits and veggies.  I'm not there yet.  But I do okay.  I occasionally eat out--and when I do, I'm always looking for the best calorie value on the menu--as long as it's something I enjoy.  I refuse to eat something I don't enjoy simply because it's a great calorie value.  I'm at my best when I fire up the grill and I enjoy veggies I never would have consumed before.  I can't believe I actually like asparagus and yellow squash.  I do!  It's an amazing evolution of good choices, because "old" Sean wouldn't ever allow those things to cross his lips.  Back then, I was too busy devouring everything else.

I tend to watch my calories to the point of appearing obsessive.  I consume somewhere between 1700 and 2200 calories per day.  But every now and then, I come up short.  It's those days where I have to remind myself to eat more in a very normal and healthy way.  Imagine that!  This is nuts for me considering my past, but it's a pleasant reality.

The tendency to self-destruct or hold myself back--oh, it's still in there.  But it manifests in other areas.  I've clearly not achieved a level of physical fitness I would prefer.  And my development in relationships and in my business aspirations is often stunted by my tendency to turn around and go back to my comfort zone.

This "comfort" zone is rarely comfortable, but it's very familiar.  It's what we've always known.  Any change from what we've always known creates anxiety--and anxiety sucks.  To avoid this feeling, it's easier to revert back into old habits and behaviors.  Even though it's a place we might not like, we do it because it's familiar---we know what to expect.  The fear of the unknown is a horrible beast.

The above described process of almost "getting there" and retreating to what's familiar, is exactly the dynamic ending so many attempts to choose change.

Recognizing how we create this "fear," acknowledging and embracing our "iron-clad" decision to change and deciding right here and now that we will not allow any excuse or rationalization to send us backward, is all crucial.  And it's all practice.  Because as long as we're willing to change and we're willing to be open minded about the dynamics of it all, then we're always learning and most importantly: Growing.  In my experiences I've discovered a gradual evolution of good choices.  It couldn't be a sudden and unnatural change of everything I had become.  I've moved forward because I allowed a confident patience to accompany my journey.  Someday I'll be the man who eats clean and runs everyday.  Until then, I'm just Sean--the guy who eats reasonably and exercises regularly and maintains a 275 pound weight loss.

Speaking of exercise: I've really increased my efforts lately.  This week I've already accomplished two 5K's and a spinning class.  My evolution in exercise hasn't been the same as it has in the food department.  I have to push myself to give it more.  I have to remind myself to throw away the excuses and rationalizations allowing me off the hook.  I also understand how important exercise is to my ability to maintain.  It's crucial.

My sincere apologies for assuming everyone who reads here also reads my facebook "micro-blogs." I admire your decision to live without facebook.  I have a really good friend who recently decided to leave facebook and he's much happier!  I guess it all depends on your perspective.  I use it as a way to communicate what I've learned and am learning along this road---and what I'm up to in terms of my career.
Your support for me is greatly appreciated and I vow to continue making strides in keeping content up on this blog, regularly.

Below is some recent facebook "micro-blogs." Often, we start some good discussions from these--and really, that's why I like to post them!

"The endless offerings promise quick results. I certainly don't argue their claims. If the goal is simply to lose weight; get smaller as quickly as possible, you have some shopping to do! If you're tired of losing and gaining over and over and you want real weight loss success once and for all, you don't need to go shopping. You already own everything you need for the weight loss success of your dreams. It's in you. Your sincere acknowledgment of the power you possess, starts a wonderful transformation. You're choosing to fix the cause instead of simply treating the side effects. Any “solution” that doesn't include this self-examination and acknowledgment is temporary. Like constantly cleaning up a spill without ever capping the source."

"Your transformation is powerful. As you become physically smaller your world becomes bigger. You start noticing things you didn't before. You develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of the road behind, giving you a new perspective on the road ahead. You're able to zero in on the present and make choices, one by one, with a confident patience for results. And it's not just you, because everyone around you is affected by your transformation in some way, and this effect is beyond your control or responsibility. You embody inspiration. You're amazing. You're powerful. This IS you."

"I lost and gained weight for years before shifting my perspective enough to find a very different result. If a different result was desired I had to change my perspective about what it takes for lasting success. Never before had I considered the truth of my behaviors with food. The life-changing epiphany was about focusing on me and the compulsions leading me astray every time, instead of putting all of my energy into the food, exercise and constantly struggling to balance on a high wire of frustration. My relationship with ME improved and the food and exercise naturally followed in line. Trying to do it the other way around, would have been a constant struggle—just like every other time in my past. This time had to be different."

"Weight loss brings freedom physically. More important than this physical freedom, is the mental freedom our good choices provide. To me, it's about doing things that make me feel good about myself and my development. Because really, it comes down to how we feel about ourselves. If we feel bad about ourselves, the effects compound and lead to making more self-defeating poor choices. We have the power to change the momentum with our good choices. The more we make, the better we feel about ourselves—and one leads to another. Suddenly we realize we can choose to be our own best friend. Physical freedom is amazing--especially when it's accompanied and protected by mental freedom. It all starts with one good choice, then another, and..."

"The biggest difference between this time and every other? This time I identified, acknowledged and focused intensely on the number one obstacle to lasting success. It wasn't about finding the right “diet,” it was about finding this critical element completely responsible for sabotaging every other attempt. I'm still learning about this “element.” The study never ends and that's a good thing. Positively transforming an enemy into an ally takes consistent effort. The biggest reward is freedom. And the biggest obstacle was always...ME."

Before I wrap this post--I want to invite you to my redesigned website www.transformationroad.com I hope you'll visit--and if you're on facebook, please click the "like" button at the top of my website homepage.

Thank you for reading!  If you have any questions of me, you can leave them in the comments or privately send me an email to: sean@transformationroad.com

Good Choices,

Sean 

This audio is 27 minutes from my speaking event at the Stillwater, Oklahoma YMCA from January of this year:

Day 1,323 An Acknowledgement and Sincere Thank You

Day 1,323

An Acknowledgement and Sincere Thank You

It's become very easy for me to simply share my daily thoughts on facebook instead of sitting down and writing a blog post.  I've referred to the facebook offerings as "micro-blogs," and they are indeed.  We sometimes start very healthy discussions on that page all about the dynamics involved.  It's quick, it's interesting and it saves me time as I juggle a full time broadcasting career along with developing everything "change" related I desire to experience and share.  You see, at some point I convinced myself that writing this blog meant spending several hours in front of the screen--and it doesn't need to be like that.  It just needs to be current and real.  Each post doesn't have to be 15,000 words.  Quality over quantity, if you will.

Of course--it's the "quality over quantity" rationale I've used to justify my absence from these pages since I ceased daily updates in August 2010.  Isn't it a bit arrogant of me to think I've covered all the bases in the archives?  We have come a long way, a very long way--and for those who have read every single entry, you know--there's value in the archives.  For someone like me, who's truly passionate about what I speak and write, I must not rest on what's already written and explored, because we both know--There's much more to discuss; topics that deserve a little more than a few lines on a facebook status update. I'm constantly learning, appreciating and understanding.

I'm approaching a year and a half since hitting goal.  I've found peace in maintaining, where it's not the struggle I once imagined because my food addiction/compulsive and emotional eating behaviors have transformed into a healthy relationship and understanding.  Yet, instead of transforming this blog into a weight maintenance blog (something I proclaimed I would)--I've used it as a platform for occasionally reinforcing the lessons learned along the way, but little in the way of current day happenings and discipline.

This isn't an apology for lack of current content.  Lord knows I've devoted energy to writing my book, developing and understanding my ideas and dreams, producing, voicing and editing the soon to be available audio version and maintaining myself along the way. But this is an acknowledgement and a sincere thank you for your support and a declaration of continued upcoming content exploring the elements that make keeping the weight off not only possible, but enjoyable.

The truth is: I have a lot to learn. I have much room to grow.  And I couldn't be a more willing student.

This blog is easily the number one component of my success.  It will continue to be a major part of my future.

Good Choices,
Sean

The next Winning Loser update will discuss: My current personal daily habits with food and exercise and the reason why self-sabotage can be so inviting along this road--and what we can do to overcome the threat.  Stay tuned!


A "before" picture with Mom


Oh my word...I DON'T LIKE this one.  Also pictured: My daughter Courtney--who will kill me for publishing this photo and my late brother Shane. The mullet was not a good look for me. ;)


A recent speaking event in Rogers, Arkansas.  Amber joined me for this trip and we had an amazing father-daughter time.  We talked all the way there, met some amazing people at the NWA Mercy Family YMCA and discovered the stunning Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art.


This was snapped at grandma's 85th birthday party recently.  She's currently facing challenges and changes that have developed quickly.  Everyone in our family loves her dearly--and everyone is sharing support, love and prayers for her comfort.

Day 1,253 Really-It's Not About The Food: A Blog Post All About Food

Day 1,253

Really-It's Not About The Food: A Blog Post All About Food

It's completely natural for some to inquire of me about the food I eat. I've said countless times, "it's not about the food" and it isn't. The successful formula for me involved shifting a major portion of my focus from the food and exercise and squarely on me and my behaviors, compulsions, and downright abuse of food--and as a result, myself.

I knew I needed better eating habits. I knew I needed to make better choices. But had I decided to make all of those changes on Day 1, the natural evolution of good choices wouldn't have occurred.

Instead, I would have been struggling from the start, trying to be something I wasn't: A responsible eater who doesn't try to medicate and comfort emotions with food. A person who eats normal portions at appropriate times for acceptable reasons (Because I'm hungry and it's time to eat).

My focus was 80% on the mental dynamics and 20% on the food and exercise. This was an important ratio and difference maker. Taming and training me to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy meant getting tough with myself in regards to excuses and rationalizations for bad choices. My Calorie Bank and Trust required me to eat everyday within the bounds of my budget. The focus wasn't on what made up those calories, it was all about keeping myself honest in my calories "spent." The CB&T couldn't do its job without rigorous self-honesty about my consumption.

What happened along the way wasn't premeditated. I truly stumbled onto a dynamic that turned into a powerful blessing I would eventually recognize, analyze, and understand. In an effort to get the most value for my calories available--I had to make better choices along the way. My approach with food became fun. As I would find lower calorie ways to enjoy the foods I loved, I also discovered wonderful choices I wouldn't have considered trying, ever.

And so began this gradual evolution of good choices. My eating habits today are worlds apart from where they were on Day 1. And the most important thing to consider is this: The choices I made and make, work for me--based on what I know about me.

You see--The greatest education we gain along this road isn't really about food and different exercises. That stuff is awesome knowledge to pick up as we go--But the most important--the critical elements involve learning about ourselves. What can we eat? Are we diabetic or allergic to gluten? And what about the very real physiological reactions certain foods create within us? Yes, oh yes---I'm talking about (cue the ominous music), trigger foods.

What I've learned and continue learning about me and food is exclusive to me. You must learn what you can and can't allow within your own limits. And if you do this self-study, while focusing on the mental dynamics keeping you consistent in your journey, then you too will develop an amazing understanding unlike any previous weight loss attempt.

Do I have trigger foods? Of course!!! We all do, don't we? I've learned of a list, exclusive to me--and it's a developing list, and I'm ready to add to it at anytime. This is what I know about my trigger foods:

A jar of peanut butter requires an enormous struggle within me to keep from eating hundreds of calories worth of its creamy delicious goodness. I don't buy it for me. And if a jar is in my house, I'm aware of where it is at all times--and I know, if I want to lose control--All I need to do is grab a spoon and unscrew the cap. The only way I can safely enjoy peanut butter is in a pre-portioned single serve package.

I refuse to ever allow a large carton of ice cream in my freezer. Could my resolve to be a normal portion-responsible eater really be strong enough to dip out a serving into a bowl--put the carton back in the freezer--and enjoy a serving of this amazing stuff? Probably. But I'm not taking any chances. Once the spoon digs in--with this stuff, I temporarily go insane. I would certainly snap back only after the damage was done. And the least of the damage would be physical--in fact, I likely wouldn't notice a physical difference from one single ice cream meltdown--But oh my--the mental damage is too much. I can't trust myself around it, so I don't allow it, period. I do enjoy single serving Skinny Cow products from time to time--and I'm still a big proponent of the low-fat vanilla soft serve cone and the junior size low fat frozen yogurt twist on a cake cone at my local ice cream and dairy store. But these are the limits I must set and strictly abide--for me. Because I know me very well.

Cottage cheese. Oh my--I love this stuff. I occasionally buy a carton and I occasionally eat too much of it. I once (in the last six months) consumed over 500 calories worth in one sitting. I think that was the last time I bought a carton. For me--it's best I enjoy a small serving included with my meal in a controlled setting.

Do I have other trigger foods? Yep--I'm sure...And again, I'm always learning about what I can and can't do with regards to food.

My main point to this: My choices can't be anyone's but mine. When someone request a menu from me or mentions simply eating exactly what I did along the way--I try to nicely relate this truth.

If what is wanted is a temporary solution to our weight and food issues--then, perfect--I'll send over 1500 calorie menus right away (not really)...But if we want true and lasting change--not found overnight, but developed in a very natural way over time--with our unique requirements and limitations considered, then we don't need a special menu plan--we simply need to take the time to get to know ourselves better.

Remember--"Good Choices" doesn't mean perfect choices. "Good Choices" evolve in the direction of your effort and attention, slow and steady---and then one day you look back and realize---Your habits and behaviors with food have dramatically changed in the most natural and least struggling kind of way. And they did--because you allowed it to happen naturally over time with what's right and good for you. And these changes are now, so rock solid--It feels almost impossible to ever go back. In fact, it is possible to relapse, of course--as it is with any addiction. But these changes in mentality can be so strong that, the old way of using and abusing food in a reckless self-destructive manner seems as foreign as not breathing. And why are they so strong? Like a craftsman who builds an amazing piece one painstaking move at a time to assure quality craftsmanship in his work--these changes you're making have been and continue to be, just as important. It's this kind of attention making your transformation deep and very special, one of a kind.

You're a craftsman of the you you've always dreamed. Take great pride in your work. You deserve it, my friend.

The following is a bunch of pictures of food I've recently enjoyed. Again--it's not about the food. I offer these pictures as a way to compare what's possible along this road. Just as we look at "before" pictures and appreciate the contrast from today--these "in progress" food pictures represent a giant contrast from the many full plates of the days leading up to today and a sharper contrast from my morbidly obese five hundred pound past.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


A typical weekend breakfast these days. When I have a little more time to prepare--scrambled eggs (with some whole eggs and egg whites used), turkey bacon, some red potatoes, and a 45 calorie slice of wheat toast. Comes in at right around 350 calories.



If I'm allowing a little more calories for breakfast, like I occasionally do on weekends--I'll sometimes make something like this--A cheese and turkey bacon egg white omelet with mushrooms. Even with the added cheeses (three kinds), the calorie count of this amazing omelet (thanks to the egg whites) is only 275 calories.



These egg white low calorie pita "breakfast tacos" are amazing. And for me--very convenient when I'm in a rush to get to the studio. And best of all--they're adjustable. If I want one for 125 calories--I can do it with three egg whites, some mushrooms, and a 60 calorie Joseph's pita. If I want to bulk it up like the top picture here--I can do four egg whites and add a 50 calorie slice of mozzarella. Even "bulked up," we're still talking just under 200 calories. The filling protein of this breakfast creation keeps me full the entire morning.




Having several snacks ready to go for later in the day is a habit I've developed over the course of my transformation. These pictures represent staples for me: Baby carrots, apple slices, bananas, yogurt--and yes, the occasional--but rare serving of baked nacho cheese Doritos...Oh my--they're so tasty.


One of the biggest changes in my natural food selection is my acceptance and willingness to try vegetables I spent a lifetime avoiding for no good reason--other than, they weren't pizza and cheeseburgers. This loaded grill--full of veggie kabobs was amazing. And the calorie count was astonishingly low!! If you consumed every veggie pictured on this grill--You would have a hard time exceeding 200 calories. That's cool.



Did somebody say PIZZA!!! Oh yes---I've been occasionally enjoying these pizzas made with Joseph's Pitas all along this transformation road. I love pizza. Let me say that again: I LOVE PIZZA...and this low calorie alternative is delicious and well within the bounds of any calorie budget. And like everything else--completely adjustable to my liking and calorie budget limitations. Pictured here is dinner one night--Kelly reminded me I hadn't made her one of my signature pita pizzas--so I did...I made her two and me two. And using veggies and one 50 calorie slice of mozzarella on each, the plate with the pieces all cut up---checks in at 275 calories TOTAL. I occasional dine out on pizza---when I do, I simply insist on thin crust for me and I stick to veggie toppings. This strategy is still more calories than making them at home--but it works for me in the situation. Funny thing is: Even at my heaviest, my favorite pizza out was thin crust-veggie.


This is two ounces of whole wheat pasta and a single serving of sauce. It looks like a bunch--and it was a bunch---and still amazingly under 300 calories.


A serving is two ounces. This was the weighed portion for the two of us recently.



This is Olive Garden. I recently made a business trip to Tulsa with Kelly where we dined reasonably and responsibly. The trick here is asking for the Garden Fare Menu. You must ask for it--and they'll bring you the calorie count for almost everything. This beautiful pasta dish is 310 calories. It was the lunch portion of Linguini Ala Marinara. The stuffed mushrooms were 280 for the whole order--140 each. And the famous Olive Garden Breadsticks? Not pictured, but I had a half of one for 75 calories. (I think it's very interesting that an Olive Garden Breadstick and a Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit both have the same calorie count--150.) I also enjoyed a few croutons (50 calories) picked from the salad and some minestrone soup (100 calories). By the way--if you're allergic to gluten--they have gluten free selection on the garden fare menu!!


I love beef tacos. I found these amazing little taco shells for 35 calories each. They're made with white corn from La Tiara. They're gluten free, only 4 carbs, and 35 calories each. With the meat lettuce, cheese and olives---we're talking an entire taco for about 100 calorie a piece. I can handle that! And they're so incredibly delicious!!


Kelly prepared this amazing meal recently for me, mom, Courtney, and Bradley. It's the most incredible Turkey meatloaf with roasted red potatoes and asparagus---all cooked outside on the grill!


One of my favorite things is chicken pot pie. I've largely stayed away out of concern for poor calorie values. Kelly understood my concerns and prepared a wonderful, filling, and delicious pot pie that wasn't loaded with extra calories. The potatoes and crust were the most (and still not too bad at all)--but the veggie filling and "sauce" (97% fat free cream of chicken soup) made it absolutely enjoyable in a portioned way!


Surf and Turf! Shrimp is an amazing calorie value!!!! This is a serving and a half of shrimp for a measly 52.5 calories. The top sirloin was one steak--prepared and cut into 4 ounce portions for 220 calories. I added another ounce to my plate, as you can see. With the half a small baked potato--and the grill roasted veggies---this entire dinner still came in at right about 450 calories!!! And since there was only one steak to buy (splitting!)--it's cheaper than the occasional steak dinner treats of the past--where I probably would have put away 16 ounces, easy. I enjoyed this plate immensely and felt amazing about it and myself, afterward.


Dessert. This is my favorite. Fresh strawberries over a sugar-free angel food cake with a serving (or two) of Redi-Whip real whipped cream. This is deceivingly low in calories....It looks like a couple hundred or more---But the entire thing sits at a wonderful 100 calories. That's amazing and delicious and FUN!

I hope you've enjoyed the tour of recent food selections around here. And I wish you the best in your quest for your very own gradual evolution of good choices. Yours based on your likes, dislikes, required restrictions, possible allergies, trigger foods, and anything else you must learn about you and your relationship with food. Because we're all very different. And we all have the power to choose change, regardless of those differences.

I hope you'll friend me on my personal facebook page: www.facebook.com/seananderson505
And also on the facebook page for my book: www.facebook.com/transformationroad

If you haven't bought your copy of Transformation Road-My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back--I would love to personally sign and ship your copy! You can by yours on my website:
www.transformationroad.com
The book is also available wherever books are sold (if not in stock--they can order it for you) and at amazon.com You'll find it available for Kindle, Nook, Sony Ereaders, KOBO, and iPad iBooks.

Plus--coming soon---Transformation Road--The audio version!!! I'm thrilled to be voicing the audio version---and I must admit--It's a bunch more work than I imagined. I can't wait to finish it!!!

Day 1,246 In Pictures

Day 1,246

In Pictures

The outpouring of support for my book has been absolutely incredible and a true blessing to me on many different levels. "Thank you" doesn't seem like enough to say, really. Trust when I say, "thank you," it comes from a very sincere place in my heart.

Instead of writing a regular blog post, I thought I'd simply let the pictures tell the story of the last few weeks (of course--I may feel the need to add a caption or two...or several along the way).

Custom signed first edition copies are available directly from me by visiting www.transformationroad.com You can also order from Amazon.com or any bookstore can order it for you. My local bookstores, Brace Books and More in Ponca City, OK and Hastings in Stillwater, OK have copies on the shelf. Brace has plenty of signed copies. Also--Ereader editions are available from Kindle, Nook, KOBO, Sony Ereader, and iPad iBooks.

So--here we go...The last few weeks: In Pictures...


Dave Deken of Deke Media snapped this picture on the day of my hometown book signing. I was offering a rare serious pose--although, moments after--I'm pretty sure we all cracked up laughing as a result.


My dear sweet momma. I love her dearly.


With Rachel--aka "Cinnamon" I've known Rach since high school--in fact, she's mentioned in the book.


My grandma with me at my hometown signing...This, wow...an incredible blessing to me.


Aunt Kelli--who is responsible for many of these pictures! Thank you Kelli!


With my girlfriend Kelly at Hastings Signing.


Kelly is much more than a girlfriend. She's been a true blessing in the organizational development of my start-up company "505 Industries."


On the shelf at Hastings-Stillwater


Kelly and Mom at the Hastings signing


One of my favorite things to do is discuss the mental dynamics I've employed along the way with wonderful people like this customer at Hastings.


The very first person in line at Hastings was a very special blast from the past. I knew her as Mrs. Schlimpert when she was my first grade teacher at Pleasant View Elementary School. Today, the lovely Mrs. Janis Davis is a retired educator. She's the teacher who taught me how to read and write...and now she's buying my book...what a cool moment, indeed. Thank you Mrs. Schlimpert!! (I can't help it--it feels strange to call her anything else.)


At the Stillwater YMCA speaking about weight loss at the very Y where I attended summer day camp as a child.






YMCA Book Signing after the speaking event. It was amazing to have so many loving family members attend this event. It was the first time any of them have had a chance to see me speak about weight loss. Looking over and seeing their wonderful faces during the event--was a beautiful moment, indeed.


With my dear Aunt Connie! Aunt Connie and her incredible cake baking talents are talked about early in the book. It was so incredibly awesome to have her here with us!!


My cousin Candi!!


And Candi's sister, my cousin Bobbie Jo!


With the giant version of a giant before picture...

Coming soon--another video from Deke Media of my homecoming weekend. Also coming soon: Although I constantly say "It's not about the food," I'm always asked about what I enjoy eating--in that spirit, I'll soon post a blog full of food pictures, descriptions, and calorie values--Including food pictures of my recent trip to Olive Garden, where I enjoyed the dining experience for slightly over 600 calories. In this upcoming blog post--I'll also offer tips and tricks for getting the most bang for your calorie "buck" even at a place like Olive Garden!

I can't thank you enough for your support. It's allowing me to pursue my truest passion--and that passion is writing and speaking about all of the elements, philosophies, and fundamentals I've discovered and developed along my transformation road. I'm always learning, growing--and constantly giving thanks for the incredible blessings. Your support is a treasured gift to me. Thank you!

If you ever have a question for me--just send it my way: sean@transformationroad.com And I'll get back to you right away.

And I would be honored to have you as a facebook friend! You can find me here: www.facebook.com/seananderson505

The facebook page for the book can be found here: www.facebook.com/transformationroad

My best always, my friends--Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 1,222 Please, Let's Go Behind The Curtain: The SCZ Examined

Day 1,222

Please, Let's Go Behind The Curtain: The SCZ Examined

I have spoken and written about the “Steel Curtain Zone” many times. The SCZ is simply a barrier I have erected between me and my old behaviors where food is concerned.

It was born from necessity when I made my ICD, or “Iron-Clad Decision” to choose change.

This ICD meant I wasn't going to allow any person, place, thing, emotion, circumstance, celebration, misfortune, stress, or whatever else, be used as an excuse for failure. This time, I wasn't letting myself off the hook easily, or ever again.

I have a calorie limit daily and although I choose to eat any type of food I want I cannot violate the Calorie Bank and Trust©. That is an unbreakable SCZ rule and it requires a level of self-honesty in my choices and portions I never knew before this incredible blessing started.

It also forces me to naturally make better nutritional choices, because it's my intent to get the most value from my calorie “dollar.”

I started thinking about how many times I have used the term “Steel Curtain Zone” and how you might get the wrong impression. The term “steel curtain” brings to mind something unmovable, as it should.

However, it was never my intention to lead you or anyone to believe that behind the steel curtain stands a man of steel. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It dawned on me that out there somewhere, reading my words, might be someone else who sees the term steel curtain zone and feels "I could never do that. I don't have the willpower. I'm not made of steel"

If that's you, then you really need to know this right now: I'm not made of steel either.

The curtain is steel, but I'm not.

Maybe you think I'm just playing verbal gymnastics with you, but no, honestly, I'm not.

There is a world of difference between me being a man of steel and me being behind a steel curtain. You see, it is precisely because I am NOT made of steel that I need the steel curtain.

The SCZ protects me.

I am weak. It is recognizing my weakness that has brought me victory. There has been a lot of struggle behind the steel curtain. Inner changes that had to take place in my mind to allow me to change physically. The steel curtain didn't just keep food out, it kept me in.

While food was out there on the other side of the steel curtain, I was left on this side doing whatever I had to do to not violate the steel curtain.

In the end, I discovered this was the REAL battle. Me learning to allow myself to win. The SCZ coupled with the CB&T© made it possible for me to focus on the real inner battle for the first time in my life.

I was no longer battling food. I was no longer fighting the wrong battle, and I didn't have to, because I was safe behind the steel curtain.

I had to watch myself and learn all the different ways my inner self would try to rip away the safety of the steel curtain.

There, safe behind the curtain, I was finally free to learn about myself. Learn my weaknesses AND my strengths. I don't know if this helps you, but I know it helps me to look at this. Mainly I just wanted to let you know and remind me, that I am not a man of steel.

If I ever actually believe I'm a man of steel, I would quickly become lost again.

Before this transformation I saw myself as helpless, hopeless, and a lost cause. I believe one can be just as lost on the other side of the road if they start thinking of themselves as invincible.

I know that I am not and that is why I, Sean A. Anderson, a mere mortal, still need the “Steel Curtain Zone.”

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

It would be an honor to personally ship you a signed copy of my book "Transformation Road-My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back," available for purchase directly from my website www.transformationroad.com

Also--I would be thrilled for you to join me on Facebook. My personal page is www.facebook.com/seananderson505 and I hope you'll also "like" the book page: www.facebook.com/transformationroad

Day 1,220 Back To Basics

Day 1,220

Back To Basics

I've written a bunch of blog posts over the last few years. Some were short (Seriously, there was a time...Okay, come on---stop laughing!!!), Some were epic, some were so full of different thoughts and ideas, it was probably hard to maintain focus on any one subject (I know it was often that way for me). And some are my very favorite posts, because they were paramount in my understanding of me. Day 327, Day 135, Day 60...all important marks along this road. The night Courtney burned her girdle, the "Wrong Battle" analogy...and the pictures, oh my---at some point, and I'm not sure when it started, I felt the need to post 137 pictures at the end of every blog post. And if I could also add a video in there or an audio clip of something, I'd do that too.

Well, tonight, I'm not doing what I've done lately. I'm not talking about the book (okay, maybe a little at the end of this post--I mean, I am promoting a book these days!), and I'm not posting a single picture with this entry.

I'm not railing against the "industry" or making comments about the content of mainstream shows and magazines. Nope, not at all. Tonight is a back to basics approach, where we just talk. Uh---Okay, I guess we're not talking really...but I'm just writing and you can comment later, if you so desire.

From the very beginning of this trek, I've tried to keep the fundamentals very simple. The food and exercise, from my experiences--could be made to be so crazy complicated, it would frustrate and risk me wanting to give up. So I kept it simple. I never wrote down my daily food, because I didn't want to mess with the paper work. This is an individual preference, because I have friends who MUST write everything down. My attitude was simple: Compared to the amount of food I was eating to maintain at over 500 pounds for so long, eating only 1500 calories should be easy to keep track in my head. And for me, it was. I had a running total every day and I always knew where I stood.

Exercise was kept as simple as possible. Too simple, you might say. I've never been a P90X'er kind of guy. I'm more a "walk in the park" and "Okay, I guess I'll try to jog a little" kind of guy. And that was okay, right, and perfect for me.

Could I be some massive muscle bound guy by now? Sure, if that's what I would have chosen. But it wasn't. I know, I know...If you've read every day of this blog, then you remember my often times exhausting tone of disappointment over my lack of discipline in the weight room. The truth is, I'm not, nor will I ever be the perfect beach body looking guy with abs of steel. I'm just me. And that's all I want to be.

Will I ever have skin removal surgery? Probably not. I once talked all about how I would and how I deserved it, and perhaps I do. But I really don't care if I ever have the procedure.

For the first time in my entire life, I'm finding a beautiful self-acceptance and peace about who I am, what I'm about, and where I'm headed. I'm loved by the close friends and family around me and by wonderful people all over the world---and it's truly a blessing. Most importantly, this journey has brought me to a place where I love myself more and more everyday. Is it a full embrace? No. It's kind of a warm embrace with an awkward ending--Because I'm still growing and learning, about me, and about these changes making my life what it is today.

How do I maintain? The question has come up often since hitting goal in November 2010. The answer is: I eat normal portions of what I love and I exercise occasionally (and always striving to change the word occasionally to regularly to "loving running" or something like that...).

There's of course, much more to it, and I'll get into it on my next blog post.

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

P.S.--You can pre-order your personally signed and shipped copy of "Transformation Road--My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back," on my website. My personal inventory is currently sold out, but I'm receiving a refill before the end of the week. At that time, another shipment will be mailed--including the five wonderful people who's pre-orders are waiting and of course, your copy. Coming soon: ereader versions and an audio version! I just voiced Chapter 505 and Chapter 1 tonight! Very excited about the release of these options!