Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

October 21st, 2014 Finding Our Normal

October 21st, 2014 Finding Our Normal

One of the things I've given a lot of thought to lately is, what does it mean to be "normal?" I've concluded "normal" is a relative term. Your normal isn't my normal. We're all different.
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This guy wanted to be normal. He wanted to have a normal relationship with food. He had fixed in his mind a vision of what it meant for him to be normal, you know, like people who are of normal weight with normal eating behaviors who wear normal clothing. To him, in order to be normal, he had to simply eat less and exercise more, yeah--that would be some kind of normal. 

What this guy failed to recognize is, he was already normal. He was his normal. In order to achieve weight loss success, the perspective on "normal" had to change. It couldn't be someone else's normal, it had to be his own kind of normal. He could mimic someone else's normal for a while, but eventually his normal would override the abnormal impersonation of normal--and everything would go back to being his normal. 

Okay--enough of the third person--it's annoying. What I had to embrace was my normal. I had to let go of the idea that I wasn't normal because in that, I was constantly suggesting I wasn't good enough or something was wrong with me. I am good enough and there's nothing wrong with me--as long as I'm not trying to be someone else's normal.

My normal is: I'm addicted to sugar and if consumed, it triggers bio-chemical reactions that send me searching for more and more--and not just sugary items--I'm talking loads of carbs and high fat-- it's on!! Nothing trips my trigger like sugar--it is my normal. So I abstain, one day at a time--and it's my normal and I'm okay. 

I enjoy a drink of alcohol on rare occasion, perhaps once or twice, maybe three times a year. It doesn't negatively effect me beyond a slight feeling of intoxication. It doesn't trip anything for me. That's my normal. I have close friends with decades of sobriety, who--if they tried to mimic my normal, it would ruin their lives for who knows how long, maybe even kill them before they found recovery again. That's their normal. So they abstain, one day at a time, it's their normal and they're okay.

Embracing my normal is imperative to my success. My normal means that I take extraordinary care with food. My normal means no sugar. My normal means I remain active in seeking and offering support. My normal requires my attention and a rock solid commitment in doing what I do for my recovery. I fiercely protect it and never apologize for it.

I know many people who will enjoy their share of Halloween candy in a couple of weeks and it'll not be a big deal at all. That's their normal. If I tried to mimic their normal, you would witness a much different turnaround on these pages.

The biggest key for me to be my best, requires me to embrace and accept my normal, not someone else's. I hope and pray I spend the rest of my life celebrating my normal. Because if I do, I can't lose. 

This is what "finding what works for you" is all about. Sometimes that statement is misunderstood to mean "Find the plan or procedure" that works for you. I'm suggesting that "finding what works" for you and me, starts with honestly defining our personal normal, then fashioning a plan that gives us what we need.

I no longer want to be some idealized version of "normal," I just want to be mine.
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For some reason, I was feeling a bit off this morning and I reached for some snacks. I'm not a big snack guy, but as you'll see in the below tweets, I had a mid-morning snack and a late morning snack. It's uncharacteristic of me. It isn't necessarily bad--I mean, really, eating several small meals a day is a good thing. I simply had to stop and acknowledge my reasons for reaching for those two snacks wasn't because I necessarily needed it at the time--it was likely because I was stressed and tired. I kept it within my budget. I made sure it remained in my food plan. And it was okay. But it was important for me to understand what was happening and how I was reacting.

I had a busy afternoon at work followed by a grocery trip and dinner preparations before the Tuesday night support group conference call. It was a great call with 100% attendance seven weeks in--that's a big deal!

My workout tonight was very nice. I've been focusing on the music more and more and when I do--when I allow myself to get lost in it, I always get an amazing workout. When my workout falls short is usually when I share that time with all of the thoughts and concerns of the day. Gifting myself that workout time and deciding to "clear my mental schedule" for its duration, is extremely effective.

My Tweets today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

September 17th, 2014 The Pull-Over Dynamic

September 17th, 2014 The Pull-Over Dynamic

I never wear pull-over shirts. I haven't since I was a young kid. I'm convinced I was one of the founding originators of the fashion trend of wearing a t-shirt with a button down shirt unbuttoned, over. I was doing that in junior high and high school. I didn't do it because I thought it was a cool way to dress. I did it because I somehow convinced my brain that it made me look smaller and concealed my extra chest fat.

I've been given several pull-overs through the years from employers and from special events I've helped promote--and I never wear them. I usually give them away to someone who will wear them--but it's never me.

I'm working with a limited wardrobe these days because I refuse to go out and buy a big bunch of clothing that'll be too big in a months time (or less). As I was getting dressed this morning, I realized that my big blue "outer shirt" needs to be donated very soon. It's become ridiculously big. Okay--that doesn't make sense. It's the same size it was when I bought it--I've lost a lot of weight since then and now it looks crazy big on me. It's the shirt I was wearing on stage at the music festival a few weeks ago.

That leaves me one "outer shirt" that somewhat fits, but is still slightly big on me. So now what? Should I break down and buy a few things? Or raid my closet to sort through and find some things that might work? I chose to dive into my closet.

I found a brand new, never worn, pullover given to me by my employer with our community website logo sewn onto the left breast area. It's a very nice shirt. I tried it on a few months ago when it was originally gifted and it was way too tight. This morning, it was perfect. And even though I've had this hangup my entire adult life, I was able to let it go, be okay--and just be me. It fit and it looked exactly like it should. I received a few compliments on it too, because wearing it really showcases the dramatic weight loss of the last five months.

Being "okay" is new to me. It doesn't scare me and I'm not running the other way or dealing with it by eating. I'm okay!! I'm taking a deep breath and relaxing my defensive stance against the misaligned, highly imaginative creations of my brain that try to tell me otherwise. In doing this--these thoughts have lost their power over me. I'm not just pretending to be okay anymore, I'm really, genuinely--authentically, okay! And that's an amazing transformation of perspective.

I had a phenomenal food day. Wow. I loved every bit of it, every bite! I can't express how much of a difference it makes to take the time to plan and prepare good food. I made extra and shared with my fellow colleagues today at lunch. It was a wonderful opportunity to discuss what I'm doing and it was a natural conversation fueled by their questions and appreciation for the lunch! It was my pleasure.

The Twitter feed I maintain with everything photographed and counted has had a tremendously positive impact on me. It has slowed me down just enough to think about what I'm eating, how much I'm eating and if the lighting is right for the photo. I take pride in my choices. I take pride in my food diary on MyFitnessPal too and it all adds up to a very positive food experience.

I do not, in any way, shape or form, feel deprived, left out or cheated. I eat what I love and nothing I don't. Before going abstinent from sugar, I couldn't imagine being able to make such a grand commitment. But I'll tell you, without hesitation or asterisk--It is, hands down--the single most important food decision I've ever made.

Giving up sugar has truly helped change my life for the better. It certainly isn't for everybody--and isn't necessary for a lot of people, but folks like me who have addictive reactions to certain foods and substances, stopping the substance--stops the craziness. It's a beautiful thing and I wouldn't trade the peace it's given me for all the sugary treats in the world.

My workout on the elliptical this evening was fantastic. I'm "hearing" my girlfriend Heather's voice in my ears telling me I can do more and I deserve more and better. The two of us only get a chance to exercise together once a week at best, but her ability to coach and encourage in the most positive way has stayed with me when we're not together.

I may go out and buy some new shirts after-all. Yeah, some pull-overs. I love the way this feels.

My Tweets today:
















Thank you for reading and your incredible support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, July 2, 2014

July 2nd, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

July 2nd, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

I don't own a scale. I don't want to own a scale. Weigh day requires a special trip to the same scale each time at my doctors office. I know me and if I had a scale right here in my apartment, I'd likely be drawn to it. I decided a long time ago to not play the emotional game of weighing too often. Again, this is specific to me and my personality. I know that if I woke up to 3 pound water weight gain, I would obsess and analyze it to no end, wondering if it was water weight or if I was doing something wrong. Some people can handle it in stride and keep a level head about it. I possibly could, maybe--but I'd rather not expend the energy toward such a self-imposed mental hurdle. We have enough mental/emotional hurdles along this road without adding extra. For these reasons, I weigh every three weeks and no matter how good I'm feeling, or how curious, I will not jump on at the YMCA for a sneak peak. I treat weigh-in day a little differently than the others. Since I'm not able to weigh first thing when I get up, I fast for a few hours until I make it to the doctors office. I don't know if an omelet and some fruit would really make that big of a difference but it's a level of weigh day neurosis I don't mind allowing.

My weight three weeks ago was 353. This morning I stepped on and found:
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Another 10 pounds brings my total weight loss for the last ten weeks to 51 pounds (23.1 Kg or 3.64 Stone).

I sent "book-end" text messages to a support buddy, one before weighing and one after. No matter what the scale says for any particular weigh day, I'm insuring some positive support and encouragement before and after.

My employer treated our entire Ponca City staff to lunch today. I knew this post staff meeting lunch was coming. I started preparing for it yesterday by simply asking about the menu and options. It was clear that I could easily navigate the menu and I did. I even took the opportunity to enjoy one of my favorites: cottage cheese! I don't buy cottage cheese for the apartment because I do not trust myself around the container. It's the same reason I don't buy peanut butter or large block cheddar cheese. I've developed my own personal set of boundaries with certain foods. I enjoy cheese often, but for the most part, it is portion controlled in calorie counted slices. I recently stretched and bought a 2 cup package of shredded cheddar--and believe me, I weigh it out on the digital scale every time. One of the best things along this road is discovering what works for you and what doesn't and then implementing the proper boundaries to assist in keeping it all straight.

My lunch today was pretty simple and simply pretty:




I planned on getting out in the unseasonably cooler temps this evening for a good 5K but when I arrived at the trail rather late, something didn't feel right. It's strange because I've walked this trail at all hours, night and day, and not once have I ever felt "unsafe," until tonight.  Perhaps it was the scattering of other people who were hanging out, maybe some lights were out--I don't know. Minutes after pulling up and feeling an uncomfortable hesitation, I decided to make this my exercise "off" day. I'll get into the YMCA tomorrow!

I'm thrilled about today's weigh-in. Fifty-One pounds in 10 weeks is a bunch. No complaints on the 3.3 pounds per week average of the last three weeks, either. I'm feeling fantastic. As for adjustments, I'm going to keep things pretty much the same for the next three weeks except I plan on increasing the amount of time I exercise and I plan on expanding my exercise options.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 9, 2014

June 9th, 2014 A Very Special Request From Mom

June 9th, 2014 A Very Special Request From Mom

It feels really good to wake up the day after a stressful day and realize I made it through. It strengthens my resolve and reminds me of some powerful truths. Today was a great day in many ways. My one and only snack today ended up being my #lastfoodofday.  I just didn't feel like snacking in between meals. I wasn't hungry and the next meal never seemed too far away.  I was prepared though, just in case. My apple and orange snack sack sits in the fridge, cooling off after a long day in my man bag.

I'm looking forward to weigh day on Wednesday. I'm trying hard not to elevate my expectations. I'm keenly aware of the emotional toll the scale can take if we allow. This awareness is precisely why I will only weigh every three weeks. During my initial weight loss, it was every two. Three works better for me, I believe. I've resisted taking a little peek along the way, even though I see a perfectly good scale every time I visit the YMCA. Three weeks is a good amount of time to level off the fluctuations of water weight, at least that's my theory. Still, I'll be prepared if I step on the scale Wednesday and it doesn't register whatever number I feel I deserve. Truth is, it doesn't matter. I'm going to keep on keeping on regardless. If I need to tweak my approach, I will. But I'll not tweak it in haste or in an extreme way. Time doesn't matter. Taking the best care each day, one day at a time, does. I will add this: I can see it and feel it. I'm almost certain it's a loss. The question is, how much? Oh the suspense!!

My mom made a special request of me a while back. She wanted me to find the man she married on June 8th, 1963. They weren't married long and she hasn't laid eyes on him in over 50 years. Still, he weighs heavy on her heart and mind. I never realized mom was holding onto and caring for such heartbreak. I've had many conversations with her about this man and I know it would mean the world to her if I could find him. She understands that he may very well be deceased or living happily with a family of his own. Her desire isn't a rekindling of a 51 year old romance, she just wants to see him again, one more time. If I can locate him I will ask if he's okay with a meeting. If he is, I would very much like to take mom to reunite. Even if it's just for a day or an hour, a conversation--some kind of closure for her heavy heart. It breaks my heart to know that she's been longing to see him again for over half-a-century. I love my dear mother and I would do anything for her within my power, but I've come up short on this one. I don't want to lose my mom some day without knowing I tried everything I could to fulfill her request. Mom isn't adept at social media but she knows I'm well connected through Facebook and this blog and she's hoping my social media friends might be able to help.  I've shared it on my facebook page. If you could go there and re-share, that would be much appreciated. Thank you! (I've edited this post, removing his personal information)

UPDATE!!!! The facebook post went nuts in the most wonderful way. I was connected to a private investigator in California. She said she thought she may have found him...but she wasn't 100%. Then, she told me to ask mom his birth date and if it matched, then we have our man. I immediately called mom and asked if she remembered his birthdate. She did---and I got goosebumps all over my body when it matched. I can't call him this late, but I have a few numbers to call tomorrow and I'll report an update tomorrow night. I'm being rather vague with the information because I wouldn't want anyone to contact him before I have the chance. After I make positive contact, I'll reveal how it all came together so quickly. How fascinating!!

UPDATE 2: Update on the search started last evening: First of all, I want to thank everyone for your help. From those of you who clicked the share button to those of you who spent your time and energy actively searching, all of the efforts came together as one--resulting in 5 positive ID's. Thank you. I spoke with mom and she sincerely thanks you too. She expressed appreciation for such an enormous outpouring of love and support via these efforts. The investigator known as "Sherlock" who resides in California, gave me a few phone numbers. The man we were looking for answered my very first call. Unfortunately, a reunion of sorts will not take place. I apologized to him for the intrusion and I told him I completely understood. I may follow up with a brief note in the mail, again apologizing for the intrusion of his privacy, and putting the issue to rest...And it is okay. I will give a lot of thought to whether or not to write, and if I do, will approach it so carefully, as to not cause any further discomfort. It was a shot in the dark. And as much as I was looking forward to driving mom to this unlikely reunion, I must respect the man's privacy and his right to not revisit the past, however benign the intention. I've had a good conversation with mom and we've agreed to discuss this more on my next visit. Thank you again.

I was speaking to a friend of mine today who was enjoying some fried mushrooms for lunch. I LOVE good fried mushrooms. I immediately thought, I'm going to find a way to make my own--and bake them! First of all, I'll admit--my attempt at baked faux fried mushrooms was a big fail! I used baby mushrooms, dipped them into egg white, then I rolled them in some corn meal and spices. I used olive oil spray for the baking sheet and added a few sprays directly to the mushrooms to aid in browning. They were edible. But nothing like I envisioned for my little kitchen experiment! It was fun trying! Do you have any ideas?

I had a great workout at the YMCA this afternoon. My food was spot on and my resolve is solid and determined. I pray it stays this way.

Tomorrow afternoon/evening the broadcasting company I work for is hosting a party for chamber of commerce members. It will be a big to-do complete with all kinds of food and drinks of all sorts. I will reserve special attention for what I need and don't need during this event. I'll be leaving a little early in order to make it home in time for my weekly support group call. I'm confident I'll be fine.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

When I stepped on the scale in January I was hoping the number attached to my obvious weight gain would immediately jolt me into action. The scales showed a 143 pound gain.  There I was, 373 pounds, a weight I promised myself I would never see again. I made the same declaration at every major milestone.  I remember crossing down into the 400's, 300's, 250--and every time "I'll never see that number again!"

 What went wrong? A few things. I didn't give my food addiction the respect it deserved, certainly a form of denial. I honestly believed after maintaining my 275 pound loss for nearly a year and a half, perhaps I could be normal--completely normal with food. I adopted a cockiness about it, like hey, I got this! Then I experienced emotional turbulence and stress, succumbed to a heavy dose of depression brought on by a constant state of exhaustion from severe sleep apnea...and within a short amount of time I was medicating with food, coping with food--surviving with food, again and again, just like the old days.

During this downward spiral, the struggle seemed magnified between good and evil, between what I knew was right and everything else. Not only did I feel bad for how out of control I was--I felt worse because this wasn't supposed to be me. 

 After that sobering weigh-in, I did jump back on track for a little while. I managed to lose 10 pounds and I celebrated it as proof that I could still lose weight. I started writing more, I jumped back on the weekly conference call with Life Coach Gerri Helms where we discussed all of the issues included in weight loss with a wonderful group of participants. Make no mistake, even in times of my greatest struggle, I could relate and offer sound, quality advice. Talking the talk is one thing. I can sit down one on one with you and we could have the most inspiring-motivational discussion ever, and then as if possessed--I can go about doing the polar opposite for myself.

I had a few good days, then several bad, followed by a couple good--and so on.  My writing became sporadic once again and I was clearly struggling. I was fighting. I was hurting. I just wanted to scream out to the heavens, "Why is this so hard this time??? Why???? Am I destined to go all the way back??"

 The 143 pound gain and my constant attempts to get back on track seemed to be pushing me even further down. I felt horrible about myself with a long list of reasons why. The struggle continued and clearly I was gaining once again.  The worst of it was running out of clothes.  I wore the same outfit to work everyday for weeks on end because nothing I had in the closet fit anymore. Sometime in early April, I don't remember the date--I know it was a Saturday, I had a remote broadcast.  I couldn't wear stretchy sweat pants to a public appearance, so I squeezed into the largest pair of pants I owned. The size 50's were a far cry from the 36's that felt so loose and wonderful at 230.  And they didn't fit. I made them work for this broadcast.  I was in pain the entire time. My right leg had recently started swelling again because of the dramatic weight gain and it pressed tightly against the pant leg of these jeans that were suffocating me.  I spent the entire broadcast trying to conceal the obvious issue with my leg. I stood in strategic spots where I thought it would be less noticeable. I peeled them off when I got home and discovered I was bleeding from their tightness.

A few days after that painful experience, I walked into the doctors office and faced the scale once again.  I just knew I had to have crossed back into the 400's again. I certainly felt like it. Maybe this time would be the dose of reality I needed.  The scale shot back 394. I had put on 31 pounds in record time.  I didn't tell a soul, I was too ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, sad and desperate. I eventually told my mom and a couple of others, in order to express how bad things had turned. Now what?

 I was ready to throw in the towel.  Even 394 staring back at me wasn't enough. I still struggled, still felt possessed and driven to self destruction via food.  On one of my darkest nights, I emailed Marty Lerner, the director of Milestones In Recovery in Florida. Milestones is an in-patient food addiction treatment center. If you've read my book, you might remember Marty Lerner Ph.D., he wrote a fabulous review in the opening pages. I asked Marty about the costs of a 30 day in-patient stay at his facility in Florida.  He was very nice in his reply, although the cost immediately disqualified it as an option.

Now what?

 It was now or never in my mind. I started an intense prayer and meditation campaign. I spent time seeking council from my therapist. I sought advice from Life Coach Gerri Helms. I studied all I could online about recovery for someone like me and I reached some concrete conclusions and solutions.  When I started struggling, one of the first things I did was stop writing on a regular schedule. I also stopped logging my food on MyFitnessPal. Getting those things back in order was paramount if I really wanted to recover.  And as I did, I discovered an enormous amount of love and support waiting for me--and it was always there--even when I isolated and felt so alone, I wasn't alone.

I have enjoyed almost a month of daily writing on this blog. In committing to this writing schedule, I've kept in touch with my emotions--writing it out each night and learning more each day. Recently, I've experienced some groundbreaking personal epiphanies about my identity and self worth that are poised to have the most wonderful effect on me...they already have, actually. And I've shared it all right here in these pages.

I've maintained my food and exercise log in MyFitnessPal and as an added source of accountability, I started tweeting pictures of every single calorie I consume (And I'm having fun doing it!).  I've committed to working out on a consistent schedule too.

This is how I'm recovering.  I'm doing what works for me, what I need--the writing, the food pics, the regular contact with close supporters who have been here, like Gerri. I'm making my private spiritual side important too. I've offered support to others as best I can and I will continue to do more. All of this is a direct reflection of my importance level. It's turned all the way up.  

Because I'm not giving up, ever.

Today was weigh day.  And I will weigh every three weeks. The next weigh day is Wednesday June 11th.
I stepped on the scale today and discovered a 25 pound loss.

25 pounds!!!!!!!!!! From 394 to 369. Hang around a while because we're going to have some fun.



I haven't been this happy about weighing 369 since I first broke 370 during my initial 275 pound loss.  And that's an important point.  Because not only am I headed in the right direction physically, my perspective is also pointed in the right direction.

 Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What's Going On With Me?

What's Going On With Me?

Several friends have expressed concern for me lately and I sincerely appreciate their inquires. I thought it best to update anyone else who might be concerned: After two sleep labs and a new cpap machine, my body is still rejecting the therapy. This constant state of exhaustion has taken its toll on me in several ways. It's affected my job, my weight loss, my attitude and emotional well being—basically, it's wreaked havoc. 

It's now affecting my voice, and for someone like me who makes a living by speaking—that's pretty scary. 

I've done okay with food because I know eating more isn't the solution to the issue, even when you're too tired to care most of the time. As far as exercise goes, I haven't lately. Why? Aside from the obvious exhaustion, the lack of rest has had an effect, as if I were staying on my feet constantly, causing extreme swelling to my right leg with lymphatic issues (something that, thanks to weight loss, hasn't been an issue in over 4 years). This effect has left me very cautious about putting too much pressure on it for fear of skin breakage. That hasn't happened and I'm doing whatever I need to do to keep it from happening. 

I received a facebook message from a reader who asked, “You're obviously struggling because you're not posting regularly, so how can you “coach” others in your group with Gerri?” Great question, a fair question indeed. First of all, Gerri is the certified life coach in our group. I am a “coach” too, based exclusively on my personal experiences along this road and my ability to communicate and effectively encourage and offer support, as I've done with hundreds of people over the last five years. My struggles with this medical issue hasn't affected my ability to relate to group members, offer suggestions, inspire and motivate in my unique way. The group helps me too, especially with the support and guidance of group members—and of course Gerri Helms, one of the best life coaches in the business. 

 My goals and plans are wonderful and they're still valid, waiting, if you will, while I attend to my immediate health concerns. I'm taking care of me and doing it the best I can with self- compassion and a realistic approach. I'm scheduled to see a specialist tomorrow afternoon and I'm looking forward to finding solutions to my health concerns.

Thank you for reading and for caring,
Sincerely,

Sean
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Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Thing About Focus

The Thing About Focus

I'm ready to amp this amp as I head into March.  I've been rocking my Calorie Bank and Trust to the tune of 1700 or a little less each day. I haven't fully committed to an exercise schedule and it's okay, but that's about to change! My goals for the upcoming week include being better prepared for lunches at work, exercising of some kind each day, increased writing and more water! I can do this. These are things in need of my focus. And when I apply myself toward this positive focus, incredible results follow.

A very important element for me and any of us, is to be very careful of the thoughts and things we lend our focus.  I'm a huge believer in the law of attraction. Basically, what we focus on the most is what we get more of along the way. I have numerous things in my life where I can dissect the dynamics and follow it back to where my focus was strongest. Most times, a negative focus is grounded in fear.

Fear of regaining can be paralyzing. And when you're in the middle of regaining it feels like the focus is hijacked into a very negative and dark place where nothing is working anymore.  I had "505" tattooed on my arm as a reminder of where I've been and a nod to never go back.  BUT... if I could go back in time, I would change the number to 230. And I may still have "-275=230" added.  Why? Because as I was losing and after hitting goal, I spent a whole lot of focus on the number 505. I named my start up "505 Industries," the tattoo of course and several other thoughts and practices were centered around that number. It got to the point to where I started seeing 505 everywhere. My purchase at the store would come up $5.05, I would notice the clock at 5:05 all the time and when the security code on one of my cards showed up 505, I smiled and thought, "How perfect?"

But how could I break away from this five hundred pound identity if I'm choosing to constantly focus on the number 505?  I can tell you with absolute certainty, had it not been for the support of people like you--I'd be back to 505 or beyond.  Changing our focus isn't easy. And changing our deep seeded identity is where it gets extremely challenging.

In my opinion, in order for us to eventually, slowly but surely, accept a new identity--we must focus on where we are and where we're headed, not where we've been. You've heard people say "never look back" and I agree. Then someone pops up with, "Don't ever forget where you came from!" And then what?  Well, we don't have to forget where we came from and we likely couldn't if we tried, but we can keep that identity from being our main focus.

This focus on where we're headed puts the law of attraction to the test. Long before I watched "The Secret" documentary on Netflix, I experienced this powerful dynamic. As I started losing weight back in 2008, I employed the law of attraction without realizing what I was doing. Everyday I would look in the mirror and smile at myself. I was complimenting myself for doing a great job and then I would intensely focus on where I was headed. I would envision how my appearance would change.  And no, simply doing this isn't the only thing needed---but what happened was, it affected every choice I made. I was locked into my transformation. I was focused on the positive changes coming my way in regards to physical and mental health and of course, appearance. I was imagining the possibilities and with each passing day, week and month--those possibilities were happening.

An entire book could be written about this topic of focusing and then another book could be written on the effects of the transformation as it applies to our identity and how it affects our relationships with others and more importantly, how it affects our relationship with self. I imagine if I search a little, I could find some good books already written on these topics!

I'll tell you right now, the big guy in some of the photos below--I never properly dealt with losing him. The truth is, I never lost him--it's me, but the identity and all of the personality and heart invested in that existence was transformed right along with my body and wardrobe.  It felt like "old Sean" died. It wasn't until the last year or so that I fully understood why my ex-sister in-law cried the first time she saw me after hitting goal. She was mourning the loss of  "old Sean." I did recognize this then, but I didn't fully get it until about a year ago.  So the work continues.

For me to understand that the positive effects of being at a healthy body weight far outweigh the attachment to my old identity, takes a committed and consistent focus.

I want to live as long as God plans for me to live. I want to be healthy and experience life to the fullest. And doing this means letting go and allowing myself to transform without focusing on negative emotions tied to my previous normal.  There were many positive and wonderful qualities in that guy, but the lifestyle was one that isn't conducive to longevity.  Instead of focusing on a perceived "loss," I must continue to focus on a hybrid version of me--one that combines the positive qualities of the past with the lifestyle and focus of today, giving me the best shot at a longer and healthier life.

Where is the focus? That's a question I must keep on the top of my mind. As long as I remain attentive and aware of this focus, I can continue making positive strides toward my goals.

Join me on facebook at www.facebook.com/seananderson505 (notice the 505) and on twitter @SeanAAnderson and My Fitness Pal: SeanAAnderson.

Tuesday evening starts the 6 week group teleconference coaching sessions with my good friend Life Coach Gerri Helms. Gerri has maintained her 100 pound weight loss for 21 years and has helped countless people identify and reach their goals in weight loss and other areas of life.  The 6 week session is $60 dollars and includes the weekly call, additional text support when needed, a private Facebook group for conference members only and an incredible chemistry for support from the group. For an average of only $10 per week, it's a bargain! If you're interested in signing up, it's not too late! We keep the group small, so space is limited. Send an email to me right away to sean@transformationroad.com and I'll reply with a link for you to click and register.

I've included several pictures below. I am focusing on where I'm headed, not where I've been. I am focused on a future where I speak and write for a living and one where I experience the positive effects of living at a healthier weight everyday.

Attitude. Perspective. Focus. It's powerful, my friend.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

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big face

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Stand-up comedy head shot and stage profile shot

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This idea of focus, attention and the law of attraction, has me questioning if I should ditch the before picture and old size 64's for future speaking engagements.
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Monday, February 17, 2014

The Numbers

The Numbers

What a wonderful feeling it is to be taking care of me. I'm taking good care.  I'm being proactive, facing issues head on and getting results. My second sleep lab Friday night was very good. I didn't sleep as long as I wanted but I slept soundly and perfectly for the first time in over three years.  It was only five and a half hours worth but it was quality.  Again, no instances of central apnea. And now the doctors have the data they need to prescribe me a cpap setting for optimal rest. Yay!

Proper rest will make an incredible difference for me. I'm so excited, I can't even properly explain how much. The self-critical part of me really wants to berate me for waiting so long to fully address the issue. But I'm silencing that inner voice. Because really, inner voice, what good do you expect to accomplish by bringing that up? What's done is done. I've traveled this way for a reason. And now I'm getting back on the main road. I'm not lost anymore. After learning from the previous detours, the only things that matter now are the things ahead.

Today was my blood work follow up doctors appointment and weigh-in. I spent some time replying to a facebook message today concerning weighing and how the scale can affect our emotions. And these effects can be devastating if we allow. As I typed the message, I was also reminding myself to be okay with whatever the results show today.  I've lost 10 pounds.  Is it less than I thought? Yes. Am I okay with this pound every 3.5 day average? YES.  And I'll tell you why I'm okay with it...

With my sleep situation in a critically severe state the last several months, it's taken all the energy I can muster to get back on solid ground with my food. Exhaustion can breed depression and it certainly has with me. I've allowed myself a very lax schedule as far as exercise is concerned. I would have to go back and count the days on my fitness pal, but I'm pretty sure I've purposely exercised maybe 6 times in the last five weeks. This has been an act of self-compassion, a temporary allowance if you will, while I get my sleep situation and food under control. And quite honestly, maintaining a 1700 calorie budget has been a big enough challenge, especially after being "off the rails" for a while. I'm proud of this 10 pounds.  It proves that I can lose weight again!!!!

You know what I mean? When you're in the free-fall of spiraling weight gain it sometimes feels as if losing weight can't possibly happen again. Well, this is proof positive, I can lose weight again!!

 I've been so sleep deprived, it's a wonder my metabolism still works at all.  Apparently it does. Perhaps not optimally, but we're going to get there. One step at a time.

My blood work came back phenomenal.  Glucose: 89. Total Cholesterol: 190 Triglycerides: 73 Bad cholesterol: 137 Good cholesterol: 38 Liver: Perfect. Kidneys: Perfect... Sean: Lucky; just flat out blessed.
It's genetics. It's gotta be genetics. I'm truly blessed to get back these kinds of numbers.  Oh--and I almost forgot--my blood pressure was wayyyyyy better. Slightly elevated at 140/88, but a drastic improvement from my last appointment. It wasn't like last time when it was at an "Oh my, this is scary high" type level. Instead the doctor was happy to see it had improved. And it will continue to improve!

What's the plan now? I will continue to allow 1700 calories per day. I will gradually increase exercise (especially after I get the new sleep setting around the end of the week), I will increase my water consumption (something at which I've been notoriously inconsistent-even during my initial weight loss) and I will maintain my level of support through through all the channels I currently use.

Support is key. It's absolutely crucial.  We don't have to attempt to do what we're doing alone. This isn't a solo deal.  I'm using a wonderful social network of support via Facebook, Twitter, this blog and My Fitness Pal.

Starting March 4th I'll add to my support by being a co-facilitator/moderator on a weekly conference call support group. I'm once again partnering with professional life coach Gerri Helms. We still have five or six openings available if you're interested in being a part of this exciting group. The six week session cost $60 total. I can't wait to get into another 6 week session with the calls! It's Tuesday nights at 8 Eastern, 7 Central, 5pm Pacific.  If you're interested, simply email me for more details: sean@transformationroad.com

Wow. What a good day. I really wanted at least 15 pounds, I did---I really did. But you know what? It's coming.  It's straight ahead. And when you're feeling that feeling of determination mixed with a balanced control, the anxiety is lessened... There's peace.  And all of the goals feel attainable once again because you know, aside from a few adjustments here and there, the only other variables you need are patience and time.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Sleep Issue

The Sleep Issue

 One of the major challenges I experienced after hitting goal in November 2010 was a horrible return of my sleep apnea.  It was something I honestly thought was gone forever because after the first 100 pounds lost, it virtually disappeared. Suddenly I could sleep, breathe and feel fully rested without a cpap machine and I rejoiced! But then it came back somewhere around the 200 pounds lost mark.  I've since discussed this with sleep lab technicians and a doctor who all confirmed this was a common occurrence.  I quickly reinstated the use of my cpap when the symptoms started happening again. But this time it wasn't working like it did before.  I was still exhausted everyday.  A month after hitting 230 pounds, I underwent the first of two sleep studies over a two month period. The final diagnosis was sleep apnea and central apnea.  Things had changed dramatically. I had never heard of central apnea.

So I quickly googled it: "Central sleep apnea occurs because your brain doesn't send proper signals to the muscles that control your breathing. This condition is different from obstructive sleep apnea, in which you can't breathe normally because of upper airway obstruction. Central sleep apnea is less common than obstructive sleep apnea. Central sleep apnea may occur as a result of other conditions, such as heart failure and stroke. Sleeping at a high altitude also may cause central sleep apnea." 

 I had both. Obstructive and this less common, brain doesn't work central version. The treatment involved a different type of machine. I started using this new machine and I was still tired. It wasn't easy to get comfortable with this bipap at all. My body would fight it most of the time and most nights the mask would end up off by morning. Sleeping without it seemed the better alternative.  I stayed active during this time, continued eating within a reasonable budget and exercising. I successfully maintained the 275 pound loss for a year and a half. And I rarely made it through a full night on the bipap. I made it a habit to nap almost everyday in an effort to make up for the lost sleep.  Honestly, it didn't make too much sense trying to make up for bad sleep with more bad sleep, but as it became worse, I became desperate.  

Eventually I forced myself to use the bipap machine and soon I was making it through the night. It wasn't ever effective, at least not to the "night and day" degree of my previous cpap experience.  As my sleep became worse, I became more and more depressed, less inclined to exercise and basically lethargic. This wasn't how being at a healthy weight was supposed to feel!  Instead of being proactive and speaking up, I took a negative approach--citing the expense and trouble of possibly needing another sleep lab to help fix whatever was wrong this time. Instead of figuring out a way to do what was medically necessary for me to take better care of myself, I fell into a pattern of bad sleep, nap in the middle of the day, followed by bad sleep again the next night.  During this time I started regaining at a steady rate.

I'm not offering this as an excuse of any sort. It was/is a circumstance and my attitude and reaction to it wasn't the best course for me.  And this wasn't the only circumstance contributing, there were relationship issues and a few other things contributing to this depressive cycle.  Depression breeds things to be depressed about, you know what I mean?

But this post isn't about the why of where I am. This post is about me being proactive and taking better care of myself now, today.  

The apnea has worsened recently.  At the same time I've declared to take better care by maintaining a balance with food and exercise, writing more and getting a handle once again, I've been exhausted worse than ever. Despite this, I'm thrilled to report that reclaiming this balance has brought me tremendous support and strength and I'm doing wonderfully with food. Exercise has been another story. But in the name of compassion for me, I'm okay with a lighter exercise schedule for now. I clearly must get this sleep issue treated immediately because untreated, it's making everything ten times harder, not to mention what it's doing to my metabolism. Tuesday morning I drove to work feeling unfit to drive. I somehow made it through my radio show but not without a few slurred words here and there and what might have sounded like a slight intoxication. I was sent home immediately after a 9:30am meeting and told to get some sleep. But isn't that the most frustrating thing? That's all I want to do! But I can't. I called the doctor as soon as I got home and I must have impressed an urgency on the nurse because the doctor called me directly a short time later. I expressed to him how horrible things had become and asked for an emergency sleep study or a fast track appointment, something---anything...I just need relief.

Yesterday afternoon the nurse called back and had me an appointment for a sleep study that night in Stillwater. Talk about an answer to a prayer!

I was asked about my previous sleep lab studies during my intake. I mentioned the sleep apnea and central apnea diagnosis.  The technician stopped me and asked, "Did you have some kind of brain trauma?" No, I haven't had any kind of brain trauma that I know of in my past...and she said "Usually central starts as a result of trauma."  Hmmmm. Okay.  She continued hooking me up to all kinds of sensors and the sleep study started.

It was purely diagnostic, meaning I slept without a machine of any kind. And when I woke, I found out something very interesting.

The sleep technician monitoring me all night said she couldn't say too much, because the official reading would come from the doctor, but she wanted me to know that there wasn't any occurrence of central apnea. Not one. All night.

Which leads me to believe I was possibly misdiagnosed during the sleep labs from three years ago. This would explain why I never adapted to or benefited from the medical device prescribed to correct the issue. This explains so much!  Perhaps now I can get back to a regular cpap machine and finally find some rest. 

This is all a part of taking better care of me. This is what it's all about. 

As far as what I'm doing with food and exercise: I'm staying within a 1700 calorie budget. I've only walked a few times in the last week and a half.  When I say "My food has been good," what I mean is, I've been within my budget and I haven't binged.  I look forward to increasing my exercise and getting back some stamina. My goodness how quickly it goes! One mile and I'm hurting and out of breath!! I was doing 5 and 10 K's without too much difficulty--and now a mile is tough! But that's OKAY! :) Really--it is. And I know how quickly it returns with consistency.  

Given the circumstances, I'm proud of where I am.  I'm back and it feels good. And I'm doing a fabulous job of being compassionate toward me... And considering I didn't really know what that meant at one point, I'm figuring it out and it's a much better way of being.

I found some Joseph's 60 calorie pita's during my most recent shopping trip so needless to say it's been a regular feature of breakfast for me and even lunch as you'll see in the photo below.  I've also included a picture of Noah and me playing with the camera phone. Noah is my 6 month old grandson! I'm a 42 year old gramps, can you believe it?

Looking forward to the road ahead! Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

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Recent lunch: Chicken and Cheese Pita Pizzas with a side of watermelon! It was a little too much actually, checking in at 574 calories. I was full 3/4 of the way.

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The highlight of 2013, for sure: My grandson Noah Riley was born July 6th, 2013 to my daughter Courtney.  In this photo, Noah is constantly fascinated by the phone.  He really wants to drool all over my phone! Total accident that the inspirational message on the wall behind was "photo bombing" us. It reads: "It's never too late to live happily ever after." Very nice.
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Sunday, July 21, 2013

What Kind Of Freedom?

What Kind Of Freedom?



I believe we're on our way to an imaginary line, where suddenly we're not eating less and exercising more solely as a means to lose weight--we're doing it because it's what we do, it's how we live---and suddenly it becomes much less of a burden or deliberate action, it just IS.  And we discover that it doesn't take anything away from the richness of our lives--or the joy we experience, as our struggling thoughts might have convinced us--contrary, it enriches us, empowers us---breaks us free into a new perspective where we realize our greater truth, our truest reality about our relationship with food and exercise. Like coming out of a dense fog, we clearly see food for what it is, not what our old behaviors and habits tried to make it. Now, I look at the earlier, deliberate phase as practice for what's ahead--because I know the biggest obstacle to crossing this line and keeping this new perspective is our own thoughts, emotional and spiritual health. This, without question, is the most powerful element.  I've discovered, our thoughts and emotions can effectively render our breakthroughs powerless, pulling us backwards over the line, as if a gravitational pull exists between our old perspectives and the freedoms we've enjoyed in the new. At this place we find ourselves in a position where we know the truth, we've experienced the freedom--and we have to decide: Do we surrender?  Do we give back all of the power it had over us for years?  Do we walk back into our cell and close the door? Or do we stand up, declare our freedom and break free toward progress once again?  It's a powerful choice we have and our most definitive answer isn't in what we say, it's what we do. 

It's so much easier to give it all back. In that cell, we simply exist--surrounded by the same old behaviors and habits that have consistently given us our reality. It's easy because we don't have to think about anything--we just do whatever--despite the consequences. There's a freedom in that choice. It's the freedom from personal responsibility--freedom from caring---freedom from the uncertainties of positive change and a deliberate disconnect from the impending and most certain negative changes our inaction fosters.  That kind of freedom comes at a much greater cost. It costs us our health, it cuts short our life, it dramatically decreases the richness/fullness of our existence...and it's so easy to do, effortless to accept because it doesn't require us to change our actions or perspective.  Our quickest exit relies heavily on our self-awareness and honesty about what we're doing and why.  The positive effort we exert repays us exponentially in ways we haven't even realized until we're there; living, breathing and benefiting from our good choices.  The freedoms we enjoy from the consequences of our efforts far outweigh the freedoms of inaction.  

It honestly comes down to this: What kind of freedoms do we truly want?

Good Choices,
Sean
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Saturday, February 23, 2013

Being Happy Today

Being Happy Today

I'm not a fan of long lists of excuses for why I haven't been posting regularly.  Any excuse I might offer, although a valid and true circumstance, isn't the fault or reason.  If circumstances kept me from succeeding I would have never lost 275 pounds in the first place.  Often, the circumstances become convenient places to rest the responsibility I have to take good care of myself. I detach these circumstances from me and they become a place where I can point and say "See, it's not my fault."  I'm too much of a realist to accept this victim minded thought pattern.  Self-honesty about my food addiction and emotional/compulsive eating makes it very difficult to feed myself anything other than the real truth.

I've obviously struggled recently but not in the same way as before.  It's been a long time since a "run and hide" binge around here.  That's good, sure, but there hasn't been dramatic movement in a positive direction either. 

My personal struggles involve faith in myself and my abilities to effectively succeed in the way I envision. When this introspective examination weighs heavy, it suppresses my enthusiasm for good eating and exercise choices. And that's where we have a serious issue.  Realizing my dreams sit atop a foundation secured by my commitment to take care of my body, mind and soul, I've decided backing away and examining what I truly want in life is paramount at this time.

What do I want in life?

Peace. Inner-peace. I want to be out of debt. I want to better appreciate the love and family I already have. I want to help people better understand their unique path to freedom from obesity. I want to explore my passion, my mission, my dreams and I want to get in the best shape of my life while doing it all. 

I've spent my life struggling to succeed while at the same time displaying enormous potential to excel at whatever I choose.  It started in grade school when a teacher told my mom "Sean has the potential to be a straight A student if he chooses to apply himself."  This "potential" theme has permeated through everything I've ever set out to accomplish.  It was found in my stand-up comedy, in broadcasting and now in my public speaking.

There are two angles here: If I'm constantly reaching for some future "success" to finally "put me together," then I'm missing an opportunity to be content and happy in the success of here and now.  It doesn't mean I settle.  It means I allow myself to be happy today.  And my happiness flows from my actions.  And the actions lead to accomplishment naturally; organically.  This is far better than sitting around trying to reason for or against myself.

So, enough of this introspective examination stuff.  A good friend recently shared this thought with me: Enlightenment and faith comes after action, never before.  I didn't know how I was going to lose 275 pounds before I took that first step, but I took action and along the way I became full of faith and enlightenment about my weight loss. Any doubts I had going in were quickly negated by the fruits of my positive actions/choices.

The secret to my success isn't as complicated as I make it.  It requires me to choose to be happy today while doing the actions supporting my happiness tomorrow.  In other words, I just need to chill out and move along.

I must work the proven steps of recovery, walk straight, smile and embrace the fundamentals that have brought me to this place in time.

I'll save the promises for regular postings here and I'll make the most important promise to myself: I will take pride in my actions and choices from this point forward.  The fruits of my promise will be strongly evident and real, instead of flimsy words and wishes.

I've upped the ante on my accountability factor by joining MyFitnessPal and making my food and exercise diary public.  I invite you to join me!  My username is SeanAAnderson.  Visit www.myfitnesspal.com to find me.

There's so much more I'd like to write here--I could go deeper, but this is sufficient today.  I'm okay today.  I'm happy today.

My best to you always,
Good Choices,
Sean
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Monday, January 14, 2013

Taking Care of A Renewed Spirit

Taking Care of A Renewed Spirit

Taking care of a renewed spirit requires constant care for me.  I find myself being overly cautious (not sure that's possible or a bad thing at all); applying thoughtful intent with every choice I'm making.  It's simply a matter of stopping long enough to question what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.  And not the bogus reasons an addict creates, but real solid, honest reasons why.  If my choice passes the truth test, I proceed.  It sounds like it might make for a long day but it doesn't really because these decisions, choices develop quickly--and the most honest, right and good ones are the easiest to recognize because they don't require long explanations or fancy word rationalizations.  You know they're right from the start.  If a choice is taking too long to "pass," then it's likely not the best choice for me, at this time.

And as I've said from the very beginning--I'm not perfect, never will be.  But I can and I am doing my best everyday.  My original goal of a return to daily posting hasn't exactly happened yet and that's okay.  Eleven posts in the first two weeks of the year is a great start considering I've posted fourteen updates a year for the past two.  The first twenty-two months of this blog was daily and it's when I experienced my greatest success.  I'm remembering what an important role daily blogging played and again, I'm doing my best today.  My biggest challenge is resisting the urge to write more.  Let me explain: When I sit down to write, I have many updates in my mind.  I also have my insights, philosophies and opinions... and I sometimes have an issue keeping to a timed schedule.  If I say--"okay, I'll update daily, but I'll give myself a time limit of 30 minutes"---it sounds good in theory...then an hour and a half later I'm hitting the post button.  I'm afraid anything less and this blog would be a very different type blog.  I guess I feel at home here.  I may not know you personally, but I know if you're reading this, chances are good we have some things in common along this road.  So, that "at home" feeling...yeah, like you can talk--open up and be understood, is a powerful draw to me.

I've cooked a bunch lately.  From turkey burgers to lean venison, some kind of crazy Hawaiian chicken creation to simply grilling a chicken breast.  I'm still fairly limited on my vegetable profile---green beans are a staple along with yellow squash and asparagus.  I'm using mushrooms and green peppers in my breakfast omelets and of course, I've had a supply of Joseph's Oat Bran-Flax Seed-Whole Wheat 60 calorie pitas too.  I'm limiting potatoes, almost completely out of my menu actually.  For me, I think part of my loyalty to the potato was simply routine, because I'm finding if I don't have it, I don't miss it.  Eggs are a big part--I go through at least four egg whites a day in the morning (above mentioned omelet), and sometimes I have a couple whole eggs, scrambled for a mid afternoon protein snack.  I have a giant stock-pile of steel cut oats and after recently ruining a crock pot full, I haven't made another attempt.  I do like them--and I like how I feel when I eat them...it's simply a convenience thing that I don't, very often.  Although plenty of suggestions have come in on how to make them, store them and enjoy them.  It's just a matter of taking a little time for preparation.  I stick with apples, oranges and pears for fruit--and occasionally baby carrots make their way into my bag for snacks.  Today, ill prepared--I ended up snacking on a 100 calorie snack bag of Pop Secret popcorn and a few pear slices a co-worker shared with me.

I made a triumphant return to the spin studio at the YMCA this evening.  Okay, maybe "triumphant return" isn't the right description.  I awkwardly climbed onto the spin cycle in the far back corner of the room...after a long absence from this class--and I proceeded to...uh...stay positive Sean...I did okay.  Yeah--I made it through the entire class and I stayed on the suggested gear the entire time.  That's a victory today.  My RPM's might not have been what they were at one time, but I was there and doing it and it felt very good.  The biggest thing I enjoy about spinning is the completely drenched workout it gives me.  I never leave a spin class wondering if I had a good workout.  There isn't a doubt.  It's very good for me.  I'm planning on spinning a minimum of twice a week with an intent of finding a third on a Friday or Saturday, depending on my schedule.

I'm feeling very good about a number of things lately.  I've been exercising my spirituality lately, now more than ever and it's clearly making giant differences in my perspective. I don't dive into my most personal spiritual relationship, but as you might imagine, it's a monumental part of my recovery. My attitude has made a crucial shift, my focus has tightened and suddenly I have greater strength to move consistently forward in the right direction.

When I post something to facebook--it's sometimes just a quick update or a picture of a meal.  Other times, I take a little more time and thought in posting what I call a "micro-blog."  The challenge for me--is to communicate an idea or something I've experienced first hand along this road in a very quick/concise fashion. Today's:
  
"It's exciting when we realize the power we posses to accomplish our truest desires. And what a relief to know we don't have to figure it all out beforehand. We have faith to simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward in step with right and good. When changes come along, we're within sight—able to see what we once couldn't imagine in our wildest. That's exciting. Happy travels." ;) 

Thank you for reading and for your wonderful support.  Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean
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