Monday, February 29, 2016

February 29th, 2016 Each Brand New Day

February 29th, 2016 Each Brand New Day

Today was a very good day. I finally reached peace with that pesky inner voice from last night's edition. Once a new perspective is developed and most importantly, embraced--there's a nice level of peace and calm. If there's no peace and calm, maybe it isn't fully embraced--or it's not a positive perspective. 

I try my best to learn from everything I can along this road. I found some interesting parallels between what happened yesterday and maintaining my recovery each day. It was about the dangers of over-confidence.

Confidence is a great thing. Over-confidence can derail quickly because it encourages a loosened grip on even the most basic elements needed for continued success. 

My relapse/regain period really taught me some valuable lessons. That's why, in relation to my continued recovery and weight loss maintenance, you'll never again hear me say "I got this" or any variation of the phrase.

I've learned the hard way, as soon as an over-confidence is embraced, it immediately starts chipping away at important foundation elements. My continued recovery and maintenance is never guaranteed. I don't have it down. What I do have is a daily practice of elements, disciplines--that I make important each brand new day. If I become loose with these, it's the beginning of the end. 

And they're specifically designed to suit me well. I enjoy these elements. I enjoy the structure they provide. And I enjoy the continued recovery and maintenance they encourage.

You'll find many examples of this anti over-confidence philosophy in the world of sports. Some of the best athletes are often the ones who always show up early for practice and stay late. Why would Kobe do so much practice on his own time? Why would Pete Rose, back in his day, take extra batting practice after team practice? 

In my high school days, I remember Todd Wright, one of the best high school kickers in the state of Oklahoma, out there--after practice, every day--kicking field goals over and over and over. 40 and even 50 yard-plus attempts happened throughout his senior season and he most always got the points. Todd went on to kick on scholarship for Arkansas.

I'm not comparing myself to these athletes, don't get me wrong--I'm just drawing philosophical parallel. If any of the above mentioned athletes had started embracing an "I got this" style of over-confidence, their game would have suffered. Their success was due in large part, to the daily practices they continued to embrace.

Some of the most successful comedians make it look so easy, right? But what you don't see are all the guest sets and special "workout" shows they're doing in preparation. Chris Rock just hosted the Oscars. You may have laughed, cringed or a little of both, but what you may not know is, he was at The Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard opening for Louis CK the night before. He was working on his material for the Oscars telecast. And he was there the night before that. And the night before that. 

I'm not good at losing weight and maintaining weight loss because I'm some kind of exceptional. I'm as human, flawed and fallible as can be, most days.

I'm currently experiencing exceptional recovery and maintenance because I've been good at embracing and maintaining the fundamental elements of my recovery, each brand new day.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Sunday, February 28, 2016

February 28th, 2016 Letting It Go

February 28th, 2016 Letting It Go

The combination of over-confidence in my abilities and the nervousness of a live performance led to a couple of miscues on my part this afternoon. One miscue got me out of sync and led to the other. I've been trying to let it go the rest of the day. It was still, very much, an amazing production. I'm sure there were people in attendance who didn't even notice my couple of stumbles. The choir, the musicians, the composer/conductor--all, just amazing. Several offered the same to me, afterward. And I sincerely appreciate it, but still--my brain keeps obsessing over the two parts where I wasn't spot-on.

I'm human. I'm far from perfect. And in the spirit of the program presented, I must forgive myself and move forward. "Our Father, A Journey Through The Lord's Prayer" by Pepper Choplin was an exceptionally moving cantata. The music, lyrics and arrangement was an emotional magnet.

I'll move on now.

But you know what I mean? It was one performance--no do-overs, no second performance--live, in front of a packed audience.

Okay, seriously now--I'll move on.

I came home late afternoon and prepared a nice lunch. I finally pulled out a Joseph's 60 cal pita I've had in the freezer for some time. It was the perfect foundation for a turkey and swiss melt thingy.

It wasn't long after lunch when I decided a nap was in order. Before hitting the pillow, I reached out for support from a fellow performer whom I knew would offer some positive perspective. He offered, "get over it, it happens. And it's never as big and dramatic as we make it in our own heads."  I totally agree with this--so true.

Okay, this time, for real--moving forward, now...

I enjoyed a nice dinner date with Kristin followed by coffee and watching the latter part of the Oscars. It was a very enjoyable evening. Kristin was at the cantata today. She endured me constantly bringing up the two instances where I wasn't on point. I appreciated her calm, sensible perspective and positive reassurance.

I'm hopeless on this thing!

But you know what's the best part as it applies to my continued recovery and maintenance? After all, this is what this blog is about...

The best part is, I experienced it--and I wasn't happy with my performance despite the positive feedback from so many people--yet, I allowed myself to feel it--to process it, to ultimately be somewhat okay with it (really, I am)---and I didn't stuff it down with food. I didn't retreat into the inviting allure of distraction, distance and emotional numbness of a binge.

I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained firmly abstinent from refined sugar, I utilized strong support connections and I made my minimum water goal of 64oz. That is a successful day for me.

I'll do my best to do it again, tomorrow.

By the way, thank you to everyone who has asked about JoEllen and her progress and offered prayers. She's still in the hospital and has a long road of physical and speech therapy ahead of her, but she's doing remarkably well considering what happened to her is something that usually doesn't turn out this way.

 photo Before the performance_zpsxcarccvn.jpg
My brain still--still, after all this time, doesn't quite process and recognize my smaller size. One acquaintance of mine asked, "you're not still losing are you?" No, I'm doing my best to maintain, now. "Oh good, because you don't need to lose another pound." His phrasing reminded me of my late grandma's constant directive: "Don't you lose another pound!"  I feel great right where I am. Any more weight loss certainly wouldn't be intentional.

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During the cantata. It was truly a blessing and an honor to be a part of this performance.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, February 27, 2016

February 27th, 2016 More On The Line

February 27th, 2016 More On The Line

I've written about the line of least resistance on many occasions. It's a topic I often explore around here.

The line of least resistance has changed. My line once kept me firmly anchored in binge behavior, with complete absence of a plan. The line of least resistance took me to a professional level of just not caring. My line once kept me near, at or above five hundred pounds for nearly two decades.

Now it's replaced with a new line. Now the line of least resistance keeps me in the same workout routine and commitment. This line of least resistance keeps me from working on projects I dream of completing, or simply starting, for that matter. My line gives me just enough push needed to maintain the life I lead. And it's not a bad life. I'm not complaining.

But it's not all I'm capable of accomplishing and I know it. 

When you think about what you really want to accomplish, what's in the way? When self-sabotage, supported by self-doubt, procrastination and denial, set in, is it protecting us from the unknown? Is it like wading out into deep waters far from the certain stability of the shore?

Do we feel “right at home?”  It's easy, right?

But is it really easy?

It's familiar, yes. On many levels, even comforting, because it's what we know. But is it easy considering all we sacrifice in its maintenance?

Our identity, our social interactions and our relationships all lean heavily against us wandering too far from the line we've called home. And when we decide to change, moving away from this place can be scary.

We gradually realize the potential effects of this liberation from what is known, transforms much more than what's on the surface.

Is it easy at this line or have we simply become accustomed to adapting as needed to accommodate and preserve our place in its shadow? 

When we regain weight, or lack consistency, is it in part a subconscious retreat to familiar surroundings? 

To choose change is brave, requiring large amounts of faith and commitment. Change isn't hard simply because it's different, it's just not familiar. The only way it becomes familiar is through practice. 

We redefine our line along the way.

And along the way we find ourselves transforming in ways we didn't expect. The line of least resistance isn't easy to maintain. It is familiar and that provides an illusion of ease.

Perhaps it isn't the line of least resistance—maybe it's the line of familiarity. 

And if we can embrace the changes we desire long enough to become familiar, then perhaps we can change the base line we call home.

I'll continue practicing, one day at a time.

I'm rambling now. 

Pardon me, please. It's late and I'm tired. Obviously this topic has been on my mind lately.

Today was a really good day. I enjoyed rehearsal this afternoon. I'm the narrator of a special program at a big church tomorrow afternoon. I must report at 1:15pm for the 2pm performance. I'm excited about this program. It combines a choir, string and wind musicians, a percussionist, world renowned composer Pepper Choplin and me! I've never done anything quite like this. I'm speaking, so I'm confident--after all, I speak for a living--but still, it's different than anything I've done, so I'm a little bit nervous. It'll be a wonderful experience, I'm sure.

Today, I maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I exceeded my water goal and I enjoyed a very familiar level twenty-thirty minute workout on the elliptical.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, February 26, 2016

February 26th, 2016 A Wonderful Update

February 26th, 2016 A Wonderful Update

The update this evening from the Tuscon, Arizona hospital taking care of JoEllen was wonderful.

After the unsuccessful surgery attempt to remove the blood clot from her brain, she was put on a blood thinning medication IV in the intensive care unit. She's clearly improved. She has some movement where she couldn't before and she's been able to communicate, even asking when she could eat something! She was hungry!! This is good. And the best news: They moved her from ICU into a regular room. She starts physical therapy tomorrow.

What a truly amazing blessing! Thank you for the tremendous outpouring of prayers, thoughts, well wishes and positive energy for Jo and her family during the past twenty-four hours.

It was a long day, today! I'm basically doing a Tweets Only tonight, but I didn't want to miss giving you an update. Sincerely, thank you again for the incredible support!  

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Thursday, February 25, 2016

February 25th, 2016 Prayers For Jo

February 25th, 2016 Prayers For Jo

I heard from Irene this evening. She had horrible news about her sister. Irene and I were married for twenty-one years and her little sister, in many ways, became mine, too. Divorce doesn't mean you stop caring about people. I still care about JoEllen very much.

Jo, only 43, had a bad stroke today. She's in a Tucson, Arizona ICU after undergoing an unsuccessful surgery attempt at removing a blood clot from her brain.

I'm fine. I don't share this in need of anything for me. I just don't feel like writing a typical recap of my day considering this very sad situation. Life is so fragile.

If you're someone who prays and you can add a little something in there for my former sister-in-law, it would be very much appreciated.

My thoughts and prayers are with JoEllen's husband and three young sons, her daughter, who's a graduate student at the University of Oklahoma and Irene, who is understandably heartbroken. I've had several conversations with Irene this evening. She's very upset, as you would imagine. Irene does have a direct line to the medical staff caring for her sister--and that's comforting to her.

I'm a sensitive person. When people I care deeply about are hurting, it's hard to think about too much else.

As far as my fundamental elements of recovery, it was a solid day. I maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I had a few wonderful support interactions, I exceeded my water goal by three cups and I made time for a solid level twenty-thirty minute elliptical workout.

I'll let the tweets take it the rest of the way tonight.

My Tweets Today:
































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

February 24th, 2016 Chicken Taco Limit

February 24th, 2016 Chicken Taco Limit

I grabbed lunch quickly--a to-go order from the Mexican place around the corner, brought it home and assembled crispy chicken tacos for lunch.

Then, I realized---oooh, I'm scheduled to have dinner out with mom and we usually dine at our favorite Mexican place in Stillwater. I didn't want to eat the same thing two meals in a row! Even I have crispy chicken taco limit! This set up a challenge for tonight's dinner out.

The challenge and the solution that worked best for me, plays out in the Live-Tweet feed from today. I planned on writing a more detailed post tonight, but quickly ran out of time. I must drop in bed!

My Tweets Today:




































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

February 23rd, 2016 It Brings Me Back

February 23rd, 2016 It Brings Me Back

Have you ever stopped, thought about where you are opposed to where you've been, then immediately feel an enormous wave of gratitude? I'm talking, make you tear up kind of gratitude? Yeah, that. I've had a few of those lately.

It happens every time I speak on behalf of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Program. And it happens, like it did today--out of the blue, when I think about this transformation of mine. And if you know me well, you know I'm not writing exclusively about the physical transformation.

The transformation of perspective--the spiritual, mental and emotional transformation---these are the biggies. Often times the physical simply serves as a reminder of these deeper things. Maybe it's a quick glimpse in the mirror while exiting the restroom, catching my reflection in a window or looking through pictures. It brings me back every time to the core elements behind the most visible part.

I'm monumentally grateful to be right here. I know I've written it many times--but I'm telling you again and again, I seriously thought I was a lost cause during that relapse/regain period. It got really dark, very quickly. My goodness, it was so important for me to experience that process, especially after being confident enough to declare on many occasions during my initial weight loss: "I'll never go back."  

I'm still confident now. But it's different. Now it's: "If I maintain the fundamental elements of my recovery, making them important each day, I'll have the best chance of not going back." It is never guaranteed. Fully understanding and appreciating that fact keeps me aware each day.

Today was a good day. I hope to have another one tomorrow.

Oh, before I hit the pillow--I got creative in the kitchen this morning! Breakfast enchiladas, by golly!! It was fun and delicious, a nice switch up! I'm totally having an avocado omelet in the morning. But different, every now and again, is a good thing.

My Tweets Today:
































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Monday, February 22, 2016

February 22nd, 2016 Am I Strong?

February 22nd, 2016 Am I Strong?

I recently wrote about installing rails of support to guide us along the way. In reading some of the archives, I found a similar post from January 2015.

From January 19th, 2015:

Every once in a while, I hear it: "Congratulations, you look great. You're so strong," or a similar quote. I accepted a version of this today from someone who I ran into at the grocery store, whom I hadn't seen in years. I don't think they're remotely aware of the relapse and regain period of this journey. I gracefully accepted the compliment with a "thank you, very much! I feel great too!"

Accepting a compliment and saying thank you instead of first listing off all of the reasons you believe their perception is inaccurate--is tough to do. It's important to embrace, though. I've found the urge to discount or immediately deny compliments has faded, but I still feel a little twinge in that direction. Old habits die hard.

Are we not worthy? It's not that, really. Yes, we are worthy. But I tend to examine things a little deeper, especially this notion that I'm super strong along this road.

Let me explain, please.

And keep in mind, I'm not discounting my success and where I am or what I'm doing. I'm simply offering perspective to this compliment I seem to attract every now and again.

If you took away this blog, the accountability Twitter feed, the calorie budget, added a dash of sugar or seven dashes (or, hey--just give me the bag of sugar, already), took away the social media support system I've built, took away the weekly support group I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri, and I was completely on my own...well, I assure you, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog post. I'd likely still be over 500 pounds, waking up every day hoping and praying it's not my last.

Am I strong? Or have I just learned and put into practice the power of structure? Without the support structure of my fundamental elements, I'm not strong at all. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know exactly what happened when I abandoned most of the above mentioned elements: I gained back 164 pounds. I suppose I don't do anything small.

The message here is to build your system. Find what works for you. Lean on the elements you need to keep you motivated and focused toward what is good and right. Never underestimate the power of support from others. When we try to do this alone is precisely the moment it gets super hard. Perhaps I'm strong at building my support structure. But on my own, I'm not strong at all. I'm affected, I'm complicated and most of all, I'm human.

But if I see you out and about and you offer me a compliment like the one described above, I'll not disagree with you. I'll gracefully accept your compliment. And if you're searching for the same strength, I'll encourage you, too. Because it's in you, I know it is.
-------------------------------
It truly isn't about building up enough strength to go it alone. It's about strengthening your rails of support. Build your support structure. Don't be afraid of accountability measures, just make sure they're designed to hold you accountable to something you can sustain long term. 

Today was a busy day. I came home to the smiling face of my grandson and that always helps. I took him back right before my Monday night support group conference call. That little guy is incredibly precious. He recently fell and hurt his shoulder. He's been to the doctor twice and they've determined it's a bruised collar bone and not broken. He favors it as if it were in a sling. I bought him a sling so he wouldn't need to think about it, but that lasted about 30 seconds. His new thing these days is saying "Thank you." He'll say "thank you...thank you....thank you... thank you..." until he gets a "you're welcome." It's extremely cute.

I loved my dinner this evening. Oh my-- baked cod and fresh cut and baked sweet potato fries...it was perfect for me. 

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Sunday, February 21, 2016

February 21st, 2016 A Normal Conversation

February 21st, 2016 A Normal Conversation

One of the many blessings for me along this road is never having a shortage of things to explore along the way. Another blessing comes in the form of daily communications with great people via email, blog comments or via facebook, like this one with Susan:

Susan writes:
"Sean, your commitment to your calorie budget and abstinence from sugar is very encouraging for those who think they could not stick to a maintenance diet or refrain from sugar forever. I believe that looking at sugar as a substance to which you are addicted, and therefore you can never have any again, is a sound theory. All addicts know that there is no such thing as "just a little" or "just this one time". You truly are an inspiration."

My reply:
Thank you, Susan. My continued recovery requires this level of reverence. You're spot on. It took me a very long time to finally reach a point of acceptance in realizing, for me, there wasn't such a thing as "just a little" or "just this one time." I always thought I wanted to be "normal." The epiphany that I was actually trying to be someone else's normal--and this was my normal... was a big shift in perspective. I'm living my normal. And my normal is a great thing for me!

Susan writes:
"I like what you say about "my normal." An addict tends to lament, "why can't I be like 'normal' people and enjoy this (substance/activity) in moderation?" Looking at it as "my normal" and "other people's normal" should hopefully snuff out the self-pity."

My reply:
This "my normal" perspective required a big shift. I routinely referred to myself as "not normal," as in--I can't eat like "a normal person." Or worse, "I wish I was normal." The truth is, in my opinion, there's no such thing as a universal normal. The idea that there is, encourages unfair comparisons to others. It's all relative to the individual. The discrepancy I continued to support was the very true belief that "all of us are different," yet--I would still categorize people as "normal" with food--while fully embracing that I wasn't...as if I was bad, or damaged--flawed in some way. The cornerstone of this perspective shift is found in not comparing ourselves to others. I am normal. This is my normal. I'm not bad, broken or flawed...I'm me. And if I want to feel bad, broken or flawed--all I need to do is forget my normal and attempt someone else's.

Today was fantastic. For whatever reason, I didn't sleep in as late as planned, but I did go back for a one hour refresher nap before embarking on an eventful afternoon/evening.

Today was the last performance of The Addams Family-A New Musical at Northern Oklahoma College. I really wanted to see this production and today was the last chance. Eddie Dixon, whom I acted alongside in Dog Sees God, was in the role of Gomez.

Kristin and I decided to make it an afternoon date. We were absolutely impressed in every way. The perfect casting, the acting, singing, the set, the orchestra--all of it was pro-level. It was fantastic. We tried to identify any weaknesses while driving back and we simply couldn't. It was that good.

I called ahead during intermission to let Noah know I would be running a little behind in picking him up for a stay-over. I spoke with his Nana (Irene) and she assured me he would be fine. I miss that little guy! I haven't had him here in a couple of weeks.
 photo Noah and Me_zpsoogddpra.jpg
Noah and Me watching Lilo & Stitch. We had a great dinner (although he tried--then spit out the sweet potatoes) and both of us enjoyed some fruit for dessert.

I'm very blessed to have a good friend over to help me with him. I've yet to care for him 100% solo. I'll get my chance soon, I'm sure, but for now, I certainly appreciate the support. And everyone loves that little man. He brings so much joy wherever he's present.
 photo At Addams Family_zpsw8xm2z9c.jpg
Today at The Addams Family-A New Musical! With my afternoon date, Kristin and some of the cast after the performance! If you're local to me and you missed this one, I'm so sorry. It was over-the-top excellent.

My food schedule often gets tilted on the weekends. It did a little bit today. It was after five when I grabbed a quick convenience store go-to meal of banana, almonds and cheese. The count was still a little low, leaving me with nearly 400 calories on the table post-dinner. I usually manage a little better. I left my natural peanut butter in the studio kitchen at work--or else making up the calories would have been easier. Instead, I finished the day with plenty of fruit.

I took extraordinary care. I maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, I exceeded my water goal of 64 ounces and I remained abstinent from refined sugar. It was a good day. I missed seeing mom today, but we spoke and we're planning to get together later in the week.

Noah is in his room, in the crib watching Lilo & Stitch 2 as he drifts off to sleepy town. I'm headed that way, too. I'll be listening to ten minutes of a powerful Ted Talk while I drift off. We're a lot alike, I do believe!

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, February 20, 2016

February 20th, 2016 Difference Maker For Me

February 20th, 2016 Difference Maker For Me

It was a day off today. I took it and made it work well. I made sure to get a workout, I cooked well, ate well and enjoyed a wonderful night out with my oldest daughter. This day was free of challenges and free of struggle. I like days like today.

I also like the challenging days. The ones that make me think, the ones that push my comfort zones, the ones where I must employ my personal recovery defense mechanisms...those are really good, too. Because if most every day were easy, like today, I'd likely lower my defenses. And that wouldn't be smart. I know myself too well. 

And so, easy or challenging--both type of days get the same treatment as far as my approach within my fundamental elements of recovery. If it's an easy-breezy day, okay. If it's a challenging day, still okay.

My abstinence from refined sugar was a commitment I made at the start of this turnaround from relapse/regain and it has been, without question, the biggest difference maker for me. I occasionally get emails and questions about this element. I'll share one in a moment.

Abstinence from refined sugar isn't necessary for everyone. Maybe it doesn't trigger binge behavior with you. During my relapse/regain period, my addiction to the substance became very clear. The cause/effect dynamic played out time and time again without me fully recognizing what was happening. Denial works until it doesn't. It works until the truth is so painfully obvious and then there comes a choice. Do I continue this insane merry-go-round or do I get off the ride and regain my balance? Abstinence from what was clearly my drug, quickly became the approach necessary for me.

To honor the reader's anonymity, I'm sharing this email without their name.

"Sean. I am POWERLESS over sugar. And i am sick of it and scared. No real clue how to start on a lifetime of being sugar sober. I feel like a drug addict who cannot live without it. 
Your words about maintaining sobriety--made me think to just email the statement to you. Its the first time i ever said that 'out loud' to anyone. I hate sugar and love and crave it at the same time. I am powerless over sugar and i am killing myself with it. Ugggghhhhhh."

My reply:

This is HUGE. This is a wonderful declaration--a surrender, an acknowledgement---a beautiful awareness. It is a very VERY powerful drug. 

Here's the bright spot: IF you can find the strength to make it through two weeks of abstinence from refined sugar---You are poised to experience a life changing shift in perspective. The greater the affect on the addictive side of your brain--the greater the relief when you're clear of the effects.

There's a peace and calm up ahead. And it can give you the solid foundation you desire, enabling you to move forward. I understand, my friend. The compulsions with food, the thoughts and actions seem like they're not even of your own choosing, right?

It is scary. 

I remember finding that drive through every night for a large ice cream shake and whatever other food I could pack in with it... and I felt like crying every time. It was scary because I knew I was seemingly losing everything dear to me--but I was doing it regardless.

That's a very tough place to be, mentally and emotionally.

There's hope.

Start as simple as you can. 

Read ingredients lists, not the nutrition label... Because a product can have some naturally occurring sugars without having refined sugar. You'll find sugar in the ingredients. Also watch out for high fructose corn syrup (same effects, typically), evaporated cane juice and many other little alternate words for sugar. Mostly, if sugar is in it, it'll simply say "sugar."

Of course, the more foods you can eat without nutrition labels or the need for an ingredients list, the better! In other words, an egg is an egg, an apple is an apple... I call them "one ingredient foods." With those, there's no question!

It really depends on where you are along your personal evolution of food choices.

I promise you---you can do this. As lost as I was, I didn't think I could.

I was wrong.


You're going to make it.

I can really relate to an email like that. It's a beautiful thing when our awareness level gets high enough to identify and acknowledge what's really happening during extreme instability, binge behavior and the whole on again-off again pattern.

There's a reason why so many people I've spoken to who have long term weight-loss maintenance, also maintain their abstinence from refined sugar as part of their plan.

I want what they got. And I'm willing to do what they do to get it.

My Tweets Today:






































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean





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