Since our last edition: I've maintained the integrity of my food plan boundaries, I've remained refined sugar-free, I've met or exceeded my daily water goal, I've enjoyed some really good walks and a few body-weight strength routines, and I've stayed well connected with exceptional support.
Mom received her Facebook Portal device, the nursing home staff set it up for her and she's loving it like crazy! Aside from being very concerned about her hair, she's definitely all about the video chats.
It's really opened up her world. The other day, she visited with more than a half-dozen different family members. It brightened her spirits considerably.
We're still waiting on the result for mom's COVID-19 test. She isn't showing any symptoms at all, so I seriously doubt there's a concern in that way.
May 15th was a red-letter day, always is for me. Two dates mean a lot to me, September 15th, of course, because that's the date in 2008 when all this started and May15th, 2014, because that's the day I was gifted a realization that once absorbed, I couldn't ever unknow. I often refer to it as "epiphany day." Even if negative head chatter tries to pull me in a bad direction, the epiphany pulls me back to what is true, every single time.
I spent almost two decades as a 500-pound man. During those years, I often entertained the thought that the secret to unlocking every source of happiness in my world would be found if I lost the weight. The crushing disappointment of losing almost 300 pounds and still feeling empty and unhappy was truly alarming. I'll pick up the story of "epiphany day" as written on this blog the very night of it happening...
DDWL Flashback to May 15th, 2014:
Then, I had an epiphany on the way to the YMCA tonight. Why in the world should I ever allow the shape of my face or the size of my pants to determine my self-worth? This isn't how I treat others, so why would I treat me that way?
And then I started thinking about the differences between how I felt about me at 505 and how I felt at 230 and that's when I experienced a breakthrough in my thinking. In that moment I imagined the scales of justice. On one side was my love for the non-physical parts (my mind, my sense of humor, my talents, my heart, my natural compassion for others, my ability to communicate, etc.) and the other side of the scale was my love for things physical about me.
The personal injustice has been the obvious imbalance and distribution of my love for self. At my heaviest, I had nearly zero love for the physical and what little love I had for the non-physical was small, barely existent and unacknowledged because I was too busy hating the way I looked. At my healthiest weight, I still paid little attention to the non-physical attributes because I was too busy loving the way I looked. Throughout my entire life, I've largely ignored the important things that make me who I am. My most intense focus was either hating the way I looked or loving the way I looked. With this narrow-minded perspective, the only source of identity and self-worth remaining relied almost exclusively on my appearance. It isn't any wonder why I've limited myself over the years. Even worse is the natural tendency to project this fluctuating self-perspective onto others, as in, if I feel this way about me, surely they do too.
When I think about my closest loved ones, I realize their perspective of me is never conditional based on appearance. When I spend time with mom, she doesn't even notice the weight gain, she just sees her son. When I pick up my grandson and he looks at me and smiles, it's an innate understanding that I'm someone who loves him deeply and will protect and care for him no matter what. When I spend time with my daughters, it's clear their love for me isn't placed on a scale, ever.
And then I realized: This is what they mean when they say you must love yourself first before you can fully experience and appreciate the love and richness of life. Oh my goodness, I feel like shedding tears just writing these words.
If I was confused before, it was very clear now. I'm a great person worthy of love regardless of my size and appearance. I have my mind, sense of humor, talents, a big heart, loads of compassion for others and so very much more. And none of it is diminished with weight gain or increased with weight loss.
I am me, always.
And my journey will continue toward a healthier weight because I want to live, I want to move easier, I want to experience the freedom a healthy body weight provides. Regardless of how this journey goes, I believe I just discovered one of my greatest personal freedoms of all.
All of this was processed over a ten minute period as I drove to my workout tonight, as if by divine placement in my brain, an answer to my unspoken, silent plea, why do I feel this way??
Losing weight doesn't make me a better person. Gaining weight never made me a worse person. The source of real and lasting happiness will never come from a number on a scale.
The more I learn about, practice, and absorb recovery, I realize it actually goes even deeper. The side effects of my compulsive overeating/food addiction manifest as a result of my spiritual, mental, and emotional conditions. I believe that. And believing that requires me to embrace the actions needed for the truest definition of recovery. That work is ongoing every single day. The physical recovery means very little without it.
I'm not an expert on any of this. I'm a student. I'm learning as I go along with this daily practice of things. I'm willing to be open-minded enough to change the things I can and let go of what I can't.
I'm full of gratitude tonight.
I prepared a good dinner this evening, enjoyed a really awesome 2.5 mile walk, and connected with some good support friends. I spoke with mom via her Facebook Portal, too. It's been a good Monday.
By the way, another 8-week session of the small and private support group I facilitate starts on the 27th. If you're interested in finding out more about joining us, email me soon: email@example.com
Daily Accountability Postings:
Both shared the same pan. One turned out over-medium, the other over-easy. Seems to be unequal distribution of heat. Over-Easy doesn’t understand why Over-Medium has got to be so hard. Over-Medium did its best to survive the heat. Over-Easy doesn’t know what it’s like over there. pic.twitter.com/AjA32CNDBb— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) May 17, 2020
Thai chicken. #whatsfordinner Using boneless/skinless chicken thighs and a refined sugar-free Thai seasoning. Oh my goodness, it’s great! Enough for dinner tonight and a lunch later this week! #foodplan #dailypractice pic.twitter.com/QxEBDEPVtC— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) May 14, 2020
Part of my Saturday Soundtrack. I want to believe things can only get better from here! I love the album title: Dream Into Action. Uh, yeah- means a lot to me right now. pic.twitter.com/jZgEKu4GjA— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) May 9, 2020
View this post on Instagram#whatsforbreakfast 4oz refined sugar-free all-natural turkey sausage cooked with 2.2oz sliced baby portobello mushrooms & 115g Simply Potatoes brand fresh diced potatoes- then topped with two whole eggs prepared over-easy. Sprouted grain Ezekiel toast topped with 48g avocado, mashed and seasoned simply with salt & pepper. 75g strawberries. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 627 cal.
View this post on InstagramEarlier: #whatsfordinner My first Instant Pot experience! Yay! It’s a chickpea pasta goulash type dish! 2oz 100% chickpea pasta, 3oz 96% lean ground beef, 45g red onion, 120g diced tomatoes, 124g Newman’s own marinara, and 5oz mushrooms. Sautéd the meat and onions first- then tossed everything inside the Instant Pot... pressure cooked until it displayed “food is burning.” :/ immediately stopped it- released the pressure, and scooped it out. It stuck a little on the bottom- but I’m calling it a success. Topped with 14g parmesan. A 6.2oz Cara Cara orange on the side. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure Exactly 600 cal.
View this post on InstagramOld Fashioned Meatloaf #whatsfordinner 5oz 96% lean ground beef, 1 egg white, 4.5oz fresh mushrooms, 61g refined sugar-free tomato sauce, 43g red onion, and topped with 30g refined sugar-free ketchup. Baked in an individual mini loaf pan. The entire meatloaf alone: 272 cal. With 219 red potatoes prepared with 2 tbs half & half, then topped with 3g butter, 121g green beans, and 1/2 ear of corn. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 595 cal.
View this post on InstagramFish & Fries #whatsfordinner Oven “Fried” Catfish Filets prepared with 334g fresh catfish, 42g yellow cornmeal, and extra-virgin olive oil cooking spray. 137g fresh cut and baked sweet potato fries. Approximately 6 seconds olive oil cooking spray for both, fish and fries. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 665 cal.
View this post on InstagramThai seasoned grilled chicken thighs. #whatsfordinner 11.3oz (precooked weight) boneless/skinless chicken thighs with a refined sugar-free Thai seasoning, 283g red potatoes prepared with 2 tbs half & half and 88g mixed veggies (carrots, corn, green beans)-then topped with 3g (1/4 tbs) butter. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 638 cal.
View this post on Instagram#whatsfordinner 7.8oz petite sirloin kabob, veggie kabobs with 90g red onion, 86g orange bell pepper, and 79g red bell pepper. 129g Simply Potatoes prepared with approximately 3 seconds olive oil cooking spray and topped with 15g refined sugar-free ketchup. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 591 cal.
View this post on InstagramSaturday morning #whatsforbreakfast 115g Simply Potatoes brand fresh diced potato pan prepared with 3oz mushrooms, 31g red onion, approximately 3 seconds extra-virgin olive oil spray, and topped with two whole over-easy eggs. Sprouted grain Ezekiel toast topped with a whopping 106g avocado, mashed and seasoned simply with salt & pepper, and 80g red seedless grapes. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 596 cal.
View this post on InstagramEarlier: #whatsforbreakfast two whole eggs, one over-easy, one over-medium, atop 115g Simply Potatoes fresh diced potatoes pan prepared with approximately 3 seconds olive oil cooking spray. Sprouted grain Ezekiel toast with 81g avocado and 7.4oz Envy apple slices. #dailypractice #foodplan #weighandmeasure 586 cal.
Do you own an "I'm Choosing Change" wristband? I wear mine daily as a constant reminder of why my daily practice of things is important. For me, it's simply a daily reminder to be open, willing, mindful, to pause, and to be intentional. If I'm not those things, I get stuck at the line of least resistance and back there is where the old patterns and behaviors thrive. Your order includes priority shipping so you'll get it quickly! Here's the link to order yours right now: https://imchoosingchange.com/product/wristband/
My website shares a phone number with my podcast, Transformation Planet, and it's always available for you! Have a question? Want to share your story? Leave a voicemail or Text me! 580-491-2228 I'll text you back!
Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Practice, peace, and calm,
My website: www.imchoosingchange.com
If you're interested in connecting via social media:
I accept friend requests on MyFitnessPal. My daily food logging diary is set to public.
MFP Username: SeanAAnderson
My Twitter: SeanAAnderson
Also--I'd love you to subscribe to my podcast Transformation Planet! You can find it in Apple Podcasts, in the Google Play store for Android, and listed wherever you find your favorite podcasts! If you haven't listened before, you'll find 20 episodes waiting for you!
Questions or comments? Send an email! firstname.lastname@example.org