Day 1033-1070 Still The Same...Almost and That's OK

Day 1033-1070

Still The Same...Almost and That's OK

I'm constantly recognizing and positively identifying signs of these changes I've made. The pants, size 36, still fit--and at times, especially with increased workouts, are noticeably loose. My behaviors with food haven't been extreme in almost three years, since the start of this blog on September 15th, 2008. I'm mindful of calories and portions in a very intuitive way, something I once thought impossible, has become nearly second nature. I rarely eat fast food anymore, when before, especially the first several months, this could have been called the "amazing fast food diet." When I dine out, I always share and I always navigate the menu with an eye for great calorie values. If not sharing at a restaurant, I often order kid or senior portions.

These changes, they don't stop there. No, not at all. When I race up a flight of stairs, I'm always thinking about the past struggles of weighing over five hundred pounds and how good it feels to be free. The other day I realized something huge: In the last couple of years, the only times I've ever become winded, was during a workout. Running up a flight of stairs doesn't do it. Jogging through a downpour into a store doesn't even challenge.

While I'm packing my "man-purse" or, as I like to call it, my "European Shoulder Bag," with fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt, cheese, and other healthy snacks, I'm reminded again...This isn't like I once behaved.

I guess it's a comfort I find, in pausing for just a second to notice every difference between me, now and then. It's like I constantly need reassured I'm a free man.

And then something happens, circumstances, stress--let's call it what it is, life---and if it's stressful enough, I find myself face to face with the negative reactions that kept me over five hundred pounds for nearly two decades.

I thought I was free. I thought I was immune. I thought I would never again feel like foolishly running for comfort and shelter inside a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos or a half gallon of ice cream. I no longer run for comfort, I run for exercise....so, why do these emotions occasionally try to disprove that statement?

First, let me tell you about last Monday.

Without revealing intimate details of my personal and business relations--let's just say, I felt like everything was falling apart. I was filled with fear (both real and imagined), stress, and uncertainty. The possibility of missing yet another deadline intensified all of the above. So what did I do?

First--I drove to Braum's Ice Cream and Diary Store and ordered a junior kid sized low-fat frozen yogurt on a cake style cone (despite the name "cake," it's actually the lowest calorie option) This little eighty-nine cent treat was the start of something. Only about 130-150 calories, it was, but...regardless of the calorie value, I was comforting myself with food.

Ok, OK---maybe a little is normal...Normal, until I arrived home and immediately opened the fridge door like I had done a million times in my former existence, just looking for something more. Cottage cheese--yeah, there it is...I can't trust myself around this stuff and that's why I don't normally keep it around, but I'm in control, right? I can have a carton in the fridge and not abuse it, can't I? My daughters love it too, and so does Karen, the wonderful woman I'm dating. But as I plunged the spoon directly into the carton and up to my mouth, without the detour or portion control of a small bowl, I had a terrifying emotion.

Like--"here we go, hmmmm, I was just wondering when it would all come crashing down." I was abusing myself with thoughts of self-destruction--and possibly gorging myself silly on something, anything. What else is there? Bananas, mushrooms, apples, yogurt, eggs, chicken breast---Where's the junk???? Who is this guy anyway??? Geez--is it too much to ask for a little ice cream up in here? Or how about some frozen pizzas or burritos?

It was like an invasion of my mind and body by the Sean I left behind. Just then, I had a realization, a few actually. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I'm changed, deeply changed, but I should never underestimate the power of addiction. I must stop thinking that "Old Sean" is dead and gone, because he still lives within me, he's still capable of assuming control, should I allow my defenses down, even a little. I'm very human. And even through this gradual evolution of good choices, the incredible network of support from people near and far, and a system of accountability and example I take pride in everyday---even with all things considered---I was still on the brink of a meltdown. And it's OK.

It's OK, because something different happens now, when I'm standing on the edge. This difference was present early on this journey too---and it is this:

The honesty and willingness to recognize the dynamic in play...look over the edge, and take a few steps back, evaluating the circumstances, choices, and consequences of my decisions...and making the right choice to deal directly and decisively with the issues pressing.

Now--here's the kicker---In dealing "directly and decisively" with issues, instead of running to food for comfort and shelter, I run the risk of not handling myself in the best fashion, while dealing with others. As someone who's always avoided dealing with tough emotions directly, until I didn't have a choice, at least---it's just new to me...so...I guess I'm learning even more, about dealing with life in a normal healthy way--much like I'm learning more and more about this wonderful new friend I have in food, and the relationship we're developing...a normal, healthy relationship.

This blog has always been about educating me, all about me...the real me, in search of the new information, the epiphanies, the lessons I had to learn the hard way in my quest for freedom. And the education never stops. I'll always learn and grow. And that's OK. That's normal and healthy.

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If you haven't sent me a friend request on facebook, I hope you will. It's really become an outlet for me to communicate and gain perspective on a variety of "micro-blog" topics. Yeah, some call them status updates, I call them "micro-blogs." I hereby invite you to the regular discussions! You can find my facebook page by clicking here.

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I love getting emails from wonderful people who have started reading my blog pages from Day 1...Your support helps me more than you'll ever know. Going to the mailbag--I found a wonderful email like this just the other day...

J writes:

Sean,

I recently jumped back on the healthy eating bandwagon and discovered your blog when someone posted somewhere that they started from day 1 and read all the way through. I read day 1 and I thought they were crazy. No way was I going to read 600+ posts. Next thing you know, I'm through day 12.

Currently, I'm caught up through day 200 and I can't wait to read how this story ends! (Actually, I know how it ends as I couldn't help but notice the titles of the more recent posts.) Glad to see you discovered strength training exercises...and protein...and nutritional aspects of foods from your allotted calories... Was a little worried about the lack of these through the first 150ish days.

And it isn't even like I can relate to your story. Oh, I mean, I can empathize, but only somewhat. I'm one of those "high metabolism" guys you used to "hate"...or more accurately, I used to be. Now I guess I'm more of a "normal metabolism" guy. In the past couple of years, my waist to inseam length ratio has crossed into the forbidden ">1 zone", but still, not exactly a problem I'm going to whine about (too much). (If only I could figure out how to persuade my wife to read your story...but I know, I know, you can't drag people to that place where they need to be to start their own journeys.)

Anyhow, the point of my rambling email is to say, way to go. I'm really enjoying the read through so far...(despite an occasional cringe from a misused affect/effect =P )...and I definitely will be ordering your book as soon as it's available.

Back to work...and then back to reading...I'm just a few posts away from another weigh-in day...(and I predict this one will far surpass the previous two of "only" six pounds each)...

--J

Thank you "J" and thank goodness for editors!!! The great thing--you have the power to have an amazing impact on the ones around you--and I bet, with your enthusiasm for change, you'll be seeing some wonderful participation and change in others! I'm not sure I would be as disciplined. I would probably skip ahead. Of course, those of us who know--know that you're in for some surprises along the way. Some good, some not so good...Thank you again for your support and happy reading--and transforming!!!

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The book is very different from the blog and I must say, I feel so blessed to be receiving such wonderful reviews and endorsements. A friend of mine suggested I might be a little insecure--and perhaps I need the constant reassurance the reviews give me. Huh...probably true. I mean, really---I have a huge insecure side of me--but I also have an equally confident side. It's like a tug of war...

I also realize how important it is to share early reviews in an effort to generate interest. And speaking of---it will not be long before pre-ordering starts!!

Jean Brace is a bookstore owner and longtime sponsor of my morning radio show. It's absolutely fitting to have the very first book release signing in her store. I'm looking forward to that day--and Jean will be a good one to ask about the book, because she's already read the entire thing....You knew this was coming---I'm so predictable sometimes:

"Reading Sean's story has given me a window on the day-to-day realities of a life ruled by food. I admire the courage he shows by revealing intimate details of his life, not sparing himself, not blaming others, and respecting the dignity of others. With the creation of his simple yet profound "Calorie Bank and Trust" concept, Sean provided himself a means to accomplish genuine, sustainable weight loss when all his previous attempts had failed. I am eager to introduce my customers to the inspiring story of this man of extraordinary insight, determination and compassion."---Jean Brace, Brace Books & More

Dr. Marty Lerner PhD is a World renowned authority on eating disorders and addiction recovery. His endorsement means so much to me:

“Transformation Road” takes the reader on the long and often tragic journey of Sean Anderson’s battle with food and morbid obesity spanning just about his entire life. His experience with declaring war with himself graphically depicts the tortured soul of most of us who face an addictive and pathological relationship with food. Having won many a battle but inevitably losing his war, Sean offers us some insight as to who the real enemy has been.

To be sure, compulsive eating, binge eating, and the many “flavors” of related forms of food addiction and eating disorders [e.g. bulimia, anorexia] do not all lend themselves to a “one size fits all” solution. However, there does seem to be a common thread among those, like Sean, who find their way to recovery- namely rigorous self-honesty, an open mind, and, as Sean would remind us, an “iron-clad” willingness to change.

“Transformation Road” takes the reader away from the typical weight loss fixes and asks the reader to consider the nature of emotional eating and the “symptom” of obesity. The author reveals his “moment of clarity” and the resultant decision to declare a truce with his war with food. What follows is Sean’s recipe for food addiction recovery. Although incorporating some suggestions that run contrary to some recovered food addicts, Sean’s experiences are worth learning about and considering.

As someone who has worked with patients suffering with all forms of eating disorders for more than three decades, I think Sean’s book is a must read for anyone touched by the effects of food addiction and obesity. More important than his weight loss is his ability to testify to the basic tenets of recovery from any addiction- namely honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. In some recovery circles this is known by an acronym H.O.W.

Marty Lerner, PhD.
CEO, Milestones In Recovery
Eating Disorders Program

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A couple of my fellow weight loss blogging buddies have recently contributed their reviews too...
Including the one and only Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit: click for Jack's review.

And the incredible Anti-Jared, Tony Posnanski: click for Tony's review.

Basically---Instead of releasing the book, it'll just be personally distributed to each person, one by one---and we'll just read their reviews here. I'm kidding! Actually--that's it for reviews, I believe--until it's released, of course---then I hope you'll review it for your friends and family too!

By the way---I plan on starting something I've talked about over the last couple of years--and I'm just now getting around to actually committing to it in a big way. A C25K program!! Jack has done it---and so have many others around these parts---

Well, here's the deal---There are two 5k runs coming up in October--and I would really enjoy NOT coming in last. I've participated in several "runs," but honestly---I mostly walk fast/jog---and then walk fast some more, followed by more walking. I must keep you updated on the progress!! I will, right here! Have you done a C25K program? How was the experience?

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Gerri Helms, Author of "Trust God and Buy Broccoli" introduced me to Peter Murphy of WMEL AM 1300 in Florida. Peter invited me on his show as a special guest--and the above player is the entire 42 minute extended interview. Thank you Gerri and Peter!!!


Photo Credit: Kelli Anderson--Kellidee Photography Mom and me.


Celebrating Courtney's 18th Birthday!


With Amber and Courtney. I can't believe both of my daughters are in college!!!! I'm so proud of them, in so many ways. They're the greatest!


My recent grocery shopping basket. A gradual evolution of good choices, indeed.


Big Before picture of me and the girls

Day 970-1032 Day To Day is Different, Micro-Blogging on Facebook, and Reviews Are In!!!

Day 970-1032

Day To Day Is Different, Micro-Blogging on Facebook, and Reviews Are In!!!

Every now and then I flashback to how it once was for me. The food addiction, the compulsive/emotional eating binges---and the thoughts and dynamics I allowed. It's just a distant, somewhat foreign thought process now, yet extremely familiar. It's always out there, reminding me, keeping me grounded, making sure I never forget from where I came and serving as a constant reminder of dynamics and choices that kept me there for so many years.

My day to day life is very different in regard to my behaviors with food and exercise. I never skip breakfast and I'm naturally aware of calorie values of everything I consume. My choices reflect the last three years of being "calorie aware." This training, so to speak, has become a very natural guardian of my weight loss.

Is it always a breeze? NO! Do I still have moments of weakness, where the best choice isn't made--OF Course. I've never been perfect and I'll never be. I'm not an expert on anything, except me--I am an expert on Sean, absolutely. Just as you're an expert on you.

My exercise routine these days is challenging and at the end of the day, rewarding. I attend spinning class for one hour on Monday's and for forty-five minutes on Wednesday's. I attend a bootcamp workout on Tuesday and Thursday's. The weekend finds me occasionally walking in the park or doing the weight machines at the YMCA.

Many of my blogging friends have expressed concern over my lack of posting---and have even called me on my own words from the last two post, where I proclaim: "I'm going to write this blog more often!" Thank you, my friends---and yes--My intention is to return to a more normal posting schedule sooner rather than later.

I've finally finished the manuscript for my book. It's done, finally!! "Transformation Road--My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back" will be released in the fall. I'll post some early reviews below, plus an excerpt of the foreword by Ralph Marston. I'm so excited that Ralph has written the foreword. If you know this blog---and how much I admire the writings of Mr. Marston, you can imagine my excitement over his contribution.

As I've taken a break from writing the blog--I'm comforted by the whole--and not the latest post. The twenty-two months straight of daily writing was an almost insane commitment--but it has proven to be worth every hour invested. I may not have realized what I was doing at the time---but as the blog proceeded and the weight dropped, I was learning all kinds of invaluable information about me. I hope you're friends with me on Facebook---and if not, I hope you'll add me.

I don't have a "fan page" you can "like." I just maintain a personal facebook account---and I welcome you to become my friend. Just as I've slowed my contributions to this blog, I've increased my activity on facebook. Let's call it, "Micro-Blogging." Not every post on facebook is a micro-blog---sometimes it's just a "good morning---and this is what I'm enjoying for breakfast"--type status update. But other times---a very nice dialogue develops on my facebook wall---where we discuss all elements of weight loss and transformation.

Here's a sampling of recent micro-blog post on my facebook page:

"My transformation has taught me about truth. It can hurt to accept because it threatens our comfort zone, everything we believe about ourselves, but as the truth reveals the sometimes painful pitfalls of our past, it shines on the road ahead—giving us clarity in its embrace. Truth is the instruction manual for the tools we already own and have always possessed. Truth is the key to freedom."

"When you start adding up all of the incredible benefits of weight loss success, you began to realize something vitally important: The physical transformation is one of the least. The transformation inside touches every fiber of who you are and what you do, say, and feel. That's real, my friend."

"Managing calories like cash shifts the focus to where it must be the strongest. Our energy to stay consistently within budget, naturally promotes better choices, or "investment decisions.""

"An "Iron-Clad" decision is non-negotiable. The commitment and consistency needed for success is protected by our "Steel Curtain Zone." Iron and steel, nearly impossible to break. Mindset...it's everything."

"Time keeps on moving regardless of what we do. A year from now, you could look back on the biggest transformation of your life and realize, you no longer have "calendar regret." Because this time will be different in every way. This time, is THE time. Grab it, own it, and decide to be ahead of your time."

"Emotional eating was a major contributor to my morbid obesity. A vicious cycle was born, when seeking comfort in food resulted in more weight, and more weight created the need for more comfort. Breaking the bondage of this dynamic meant facing issues instead of running for shelter under the umbrella of all things tasty and good."

"Food, unlike most other addictions, can be enjoyed in normal-healthy portions. For me, an occasional treat is imperative, but a binge is unacceptable. Exercise can physically repair the damage of excess, but psychologically, the damage is often overwhelming, as it discounts our pursuit, suggesting our life changing choices are temporary at best. And “temporary” isn't good enough for us."

"If Day 1 is one of the hardest, then why did I make so many “Day 1's?” Getting Day 1 behind—and moving consistently forward to Day 21, 60, 100, and 365 is the goal. It becomes easier, the results thrill and naturally propel you to new levels of motivation, inspiration, and excitement. You're really doing it this time, like no other."

"“Someday” can't be found on a calendar. When we release the excuses and rationalizations keeping us where we are, we immediately start making “someday,” today. “I'm doing it” and “I did it” feels a million times better than “I will...someday.”"

"The Yo-Yo goes down, then up...down again, then up. The Yo-Yo is under our control and direction. When we sharpen the tools of self-honesty, responsibility, and consistency—and we diligently protect the integrity of our journey from emotional and circumstantial influences, we're finally able to break free and...cut the string."

"I was shopping Brace Books over the weekend, when they informed me someone had already reserved a copy of "Transformation Road." Without a set release date or price--didn't matter, they wanted a copy reserved! That's cool...very."

You'll find some interesting and powerfully insightful reader comments on some of the above "micro-blogs," and all can be found on my facebook page.

I've learned so much from so many wonderful people---and I'll never stop learning. This mutually benefiting relationship with family, friends, blog readers, other weight loss bloggers, and many people whom I've never met face to face---has been one of the most unexpected blessings of the past three years.

The early reviews for "Transformation Road" have been flowing in from those that have read the raw unedited manuscript. I'm excited to share some here:

Dave May has acted as an invaluable consultant in the final stages of putting the manuscript together. Before any changes were made, Dave read the entire book and offered the following:

"Don't think of this as a weight loss book. This book is for anyone who has ever battled themselves, in other words, it's for all of us. I believe we are all born broken and the only thing separating us is the individual routes we take away from, or toward wholeness. Sean's journey is laid out for you here with all of it's twists, turns, false starts, dead ends, and breakthroughs. Although the paths you and I travel may be different, I am certain that you, like me, will recognize many of the stops and ultimately gain insight into yourself through Sean's journey. I enthusiastically recommend this book, not for Sean's miraculous outer changes, but for his ability to take you on the inside, where real transformation must always happen."

Dave May
Director Poncan Theatre
"Mayday In The Morning"-KLOR Radio

Dr. Amy Cox also reviewed the book---and before she officially finished the review, she sent me a wonderful email: "I started reading the manuscript this morning...I hoped to get it read by the weekend. I just finished - I literally couldn't stop! It is AWESOME!"

This was followed by an awesome review:

"Sean Anderson provides a strong dose of hope in recounting his captivating journey to self-acceptance and health. His road to transformation was not easy, but few things in life are that are worth it. Sean reminds us that your biggest bully is often yourself and that you can change your “mix tape in your head” by becoming your own “captain”. This book demonstrates that the only thing that can make us feel good about ourselves is to realize our own self-worth, and to finally love ourselves. I constantly see patients struggling to make the mental shift required to commit to change and make good choices for their health. Whether you are struggling with weight loss, addiction, and self-acceptance or whether you are just looking to be inspired to finally commit to change and making good choices – this is the book for you."

Yours In Health,
Amy Cox, DC
The Ranch Chiropractic Wellness Center

Mary Anne Waymire offered her review:

"The Book is wonderful … I felt like I knew you after reading the book (even if I had never met you). The expression of your various feelings and the tug overweight people (like myself) have was awesome. I was a very skinny child and did not start having my weight problems until I was an adult. Children can be awfully mean spirited and I certainly hope I never was that way to anyone. You are a wonderful person, shining example of downright decency in a human being and just all around great guy! I predict this book will be an inspiration to many people as it is to me."

Mary Anne Waymire

And Gerri Helms---Author and Life Coach offered this very nice paragraph:

"With Transformation Road, Sean Anderson delivers a riveting story of a man who faced death and won. Amazingly, this isn't your typical murder mystery - it's Sean's true battle against a lethal killer - morbid obesity. For the millions who have lost faith in ever beating their own war with food, Transformation Road offers hope and inspiration."

Gerri Helms, MCC, CSC
Author, Trust God and Buy Broccoli, a Spiritual Approach to Weight Loss
www.lifecoachgerri.com

Sending the raw manuscript to some of my writing heroes was tough. What if they didn't like it? I mean, really--seriously---if they don't, then OK---it would be a very tough thing to accept. I was so relieved when Ralph Marston finished the manuscript and replied with this wonderful message:

"I loved the book! It's an amazing story that's very well told."

That's a relief--because I had asked Ralph to write the foreword--and he did, brilliantly!!! Below is a small excerpt of his foreword:

"...Sean’s life up to this point has been an amazing journey, and he has now created an even brighter future for himself by virtue of the choices he has made. In recounting this story, he very generously and openly acknowledges a long list of shortcomings and insecurities, some of them quite intimate. That makes it all the more powerful and inspiring. After all, we each have worries, doubts and vulnerabilities that we often try to hide even from ourselves. And just as with most political scandals, the cover-up does more damage than the underlying issue. It’s wonderfully refreshing and inspiring to see what can happen when someone steps away from the excuses, lets go of the rationalizations, stops choosing to be a victim, and makes the commitment to make a positive difference.

Truth is powerful. The more you seek to hide from it, the more forcefully it asserts itself, until you eventually cannot deny it. The moment you put truth on your side, all sorts of positive possibilities open up to you. That’s what Sean Anderson chose to do, and it’s a choice that has turned his life around in a dramatic and inspiring way."

Ralph Marston
The Daily Motivator
www.GreatDay.com

Ralph has a truly timeless way with words--speaking such recognizable truths...wow, I'm so thrilled and honored to have him provide the foreword!! Thank you Mr. Marston!

I'm moving forward with a confident spring in my step. I will contribute on a more regular basis to this blog---I know I've said it before, but seriously---You'll see.

I'm looking forward to the development of my website www.transformationroad.com It will be a destination featuring many others---not just me---but YOU. I look forward to featuring so many wonderful people who have transformed so wonderfully. I'm excited about providing audio/video content and so much more. It will be the home of many more things--not just the book!

I'm posting some photos from the last couple of months---plus, as I like to do--a couple of before pictures!!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


A scary post-boot camp workout pic I look dangerously unstable in this one!!!


Smiling always makes it better!! Boot camp is BRUTAL!!! ;) But soooo Good!!!


On May 20th--My youngest, Courtney--graduated from Ponca City High School! I'm so proud of her!!! She'll be attending Oklahoma State in the fall--in a month!!! Oh my---that's quick!


With Courtney and Amber at the after-graduation party!


They're such wonderful sisters!!! They love each other so much!


My Aunt Kelli snapped this photo from across the arena at the graduation. It's a perspective I rarely get to see---and a wonderful reminder: I'm not the 500 pound man anymore.


With Courtney recently


At a birthday party/stand-up gig with singer Wade Tower. I was opening for Wade! I rarely do stand-up anymore---but this was a blast. It really was nice.


From the stage--performing stand-up.


A recent lunch. I have discovered many new foods I would have never given the time of day before---Squash and Zucchini--I love it!!! Who would have ever imagined??


Sometimes---Actually, most of the time, My calorie budget decisions are based on what I'm planning on later in the day or evening. This super-low cal breakfast checked in at 150--But I knew I was having a slightly bigger lunch not long after---and a dinner party in the evening. I adjust accordingly!


I cringe every time I see this picture.


With Courtney--a "before" for both of us! ;)


Big before. Wow...

Day 936-969 The Twilight Zone of Obesity and The Awakening

Day 936-969

The Twilight Zone of Obesity and The Awakening

Thank you for the incredible patience that many of you have given me over the last few months. As I further prioritize my life and pursuits, I realize that this blog must be a part of my life, probably forever. Yeah, pretty sure, forever.

It has given me so much strength, power, insight, wisdom---all about the dynamics that I allowed to keep my over five hundred pounds for so long, and most importantly, the power to never go back to that existence. The choice was made on Day 1. This would be different than any other weight loss attempt in my past. It has been, in every way.

In my last post, I talked about making an effort to write this blog more often---and that is still the plan. For the next three days I'll be sequestered in a suburb of Tulsa finishing War and Peace. Ok--that was a joke. But you might think it'll be that long after the time I've allowed to get it finished. I will be officially finished with "Finding Transformation Road" on Thursday evening of this week. I have rolled right past every deadline to get this manuscript finished---and although I believe certain excuses are not excuses, rather, circumstances---I'm not a fan of delivering a long list of reasons why I haven't finished---But oh, what a glorious day it will be, to turn it over to the editors! Anyway---enough of that.

I had a scare with my mom last month. If you're a regular reader of this blog, then you must know how much I love my mother--and how she, for years, worried herself sick over my morbid obesity, and how I worry about her the same way, now. Mom was taken to the hospital with alarmingly high blood sugar, so high in fact, they immediately admitted her, so they could battle it back down. They stabilized mom and assured her that she wasn't "there" yet, instead---she had 90 days to lose weight and remove herself from the edge of needing daily insulin shots. They gave her counseling from a diabetic nurse and showed her exactly how to properly check her blood. They also sent in a clinical dietitian to assist mom with proper eating choices. I was in the room during her initial consultation with the dietitian---and I was trying so hard to remain quiet. I was showing respect--after all, she was obviously a college educated expert of sorts, so of course, everything she was saying was exactly what mom needed to do. She was explaining all of the proper foods and portions, and explaining the benefit of each---and suggesting ways to prepare certain things. And mom was nodding and agreeing, and when asked if she was understanding everything--mom replied "yes," And that's when I couldn't contain myself another second. But first---let me explain something.

Just because you have text book knowledge of proper nutrition and how the body responds to certain foods and portions, it doesn't give you immunity from morbid obesity. The proof of that statement, surrounded my mother. I'm not mentioning any names--I wouldn't do that--but my mom's doctor is morbidly obese, so was the clinical dietitian, so was the diabetic nurse, and so was 80% of the nursing staff on the floor where my mom was staying. Everyone involved in my mothers wake up call--was more than 100 pounds over weight--and a few, even more. I felt like we were in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

As the dietitian tried to explain to mom what she must do from now on--point by point, pausing to ask if she understood--and mom saying she did--I had to interject.

I'm not an expert at anything, other than being a 500 pound man. I'm pretty much an expert based on my experience, in that department. I know, that telling someone what they must do, or desperately need to do---and giving them portions, recipes, ideas, and a special menu plan---most of which is opposite the habits and lifestyle they're accustomed---can be overwhelming and very unnatural. If they stay with it to the letter--positive results will come. But will it be permanent? What good is a temporary suppression of our habits? To me--because I did it for years--It's like a trade off---I'll do exactly what they're telling me I need to do--while I suppress the issues and behaviors that have brought me to my present physical condition. That way is the biggest struggle---that way is hard---because it's unnatural. I've said it before---many times---Telling someone what they need to do or must do---is like calling a cleaning service to clean up the mess of a broken sewer line--but not fixing the sewer line.

I had to speak up---I could see it on mom's face--so much information, so much urgency--it was starting to overwhelm her...and I know---I was there many times. It gets scary--and confusing, and complicated. I couldn't keep my mouth shut another second.

Me: "Don't you think--that---if losing weight is the goal, and losing weight is what will save her from becoming an insulin dependent diabetic--that maybe she should keep it as simple as possible? Maybe do a set calorie budget and exercise everyday. She'll learn about portion control as she stays within the bounds of her budget. The weight will come off--and she'll realize that the battle doesn't have to be with the food, but it does have to be with ourselves---The mental battle to maintain the integrity of that calorie budget--That's where she should focus, don't you agree?"

Dietitian: "Well, I don't want her eating 1200 calories worth of sugar everyday."

Me: "She knows better than that! She doesn't do that now--it's portion control, she eats well--just too well, too often."

Mom: (to the dietitian) "He's lost a bunch of weight, over 275 pounds, and he's done it like this. He writes a blog all about it."

Dietitian: "Really? Wow, congratulations!"

Me: "Thank you, really, you understand what I'm trying to say...what I hear you telling her is not in tune with her natural lifestyle and behaviors. This lifestyle and these behaviors can change---gradually evolving over time, but in my experience---it doesn't change as soon as I'm handed a special diet. You see what I'm saying?"

Dietitian: "You're right--portion control and exercise is exactly what she needs, but she also needs to be aware of what to avoid."

Me: "Absolutely!"

It was a very pleasant and positive exchange. Later, after I left, the dietitian returned. This time, she was inquiring about my weight loss blog.

Mom is going to make it. She still struggles--and I know she doesn't mind me writing about her, because I have so much. It's all based in love and understanding. I love her dearly and I understand her struggles. I wish I could do it for her, or for my Aunt Kelli, or for other loved ones...but I can't. Each and every one of us must have our own Day 1, when it's just different than any other attempt before. We must all have our own unique awakening. And although the circumstances of that awaking might be different for each one of us--The mental clarity, the philosophies, the epiphanies that set us free, are nearly identical---across all addictions, not just food addiction.

Gayle Williams is a long time friend and co-worker--who has read every single day of this blog. She understands what drives me, she understands the thoughts, philosophies, and epiphanies that I hold very dear. So when she runs across a written word that she knows I'll appreciate, she points it out. The other day, she found the following. It's called "The Awakening." It's by "anonymous" or "author unknown," and if you know the author's name---please share it with me. It describes the awakening in such a wonderful way. I write about "Choosing change before change chooses you," and this is what I'm talking about. This is how---this time is different from any other weight loss attempt, ever. Enjoy this---I know I did!! Thank you for sharing this with me, Gayle!!

"The Awakening"

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out… ENOUGH! Enough fighting, crying, blaming, and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears, and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change. Or, for happiness, safety, and security to appear over the next horizon as if by magic.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. And, in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are, and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you, or didn’t do for you. You learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean, or mean what they say. That not everyone will always be there for you, and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own. You learn to take care of yourself, and in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers. You begin to accept people as they are. To overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process peace and contentment are born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing. You begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything. It’s not your job to save the world, and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are, not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty, so you take more time to rest. You learn that just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So, you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for. That wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into, and through your fears because you know that whatever may happen, you can handle it. You learn that to give in to fear is to give away your right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life. Not to squander it by living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair. You don’t always get what you think you deserve. That sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. You learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you, and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong, and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected. If not, they will suffocate the life out of you. They will poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful, and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted. The things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself. You make yourself a promise to never betray yourself. To never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling. To keep trusting. To stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand. You take a deep breath. You begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Beautiful, isn't it? Gayle has worked with me for over a decade--she knew 500 pound Sean well, and now she knows me even better. She knew this would be right up my alley. Thank you again Gayle. And thank you again for hosting my radio show over the next three days while I finish the book. Don't laugh Gayle---seriously, it will be finished! ;)

It's time to visit the mailbag:

Rita writes:

"Sean I have read and enjoyed all of your blogs..I don't even need to lose much weight at 156 and 75 yeats of age but just love the way you inspire others. I come on now and then to see if you are still so handsome:-) You haven't mentioned your girl friend Hope that is Ok.
God Bless You & your girls and your Mom"

Rita, thank you, my friend!! Since you've read every single day--you know that I've learned some very hard lessons on keeping some things a little more private than others. Karen is a wonderful woman--and I have chosen to be very guarded about my relationship with her. But it is very good.

Chrissy added me on facebook, where I update nearly every day. She writes a very short facebook message here....and sometimes I get carried away with my reply, as you'll see.

Chrissy:

"You are doing so well. I am still envious!! I have all the power to "fire myself" up....just don't have the motivation to stay that way!! HOWEVER do you do it?!?"

My facebook reply:

"Fire up your "Steel Curtain Zone" and decide that this is of life or death importance!! ;) We must decide that nothing will derail our efforts. We must DECIDE that this time, it's different...this time--nothing---No person, place, thing, circumstance, or emotion will become an excuse or rationalization for failure. We will not allow the same patterns of our past to dictate and determine our future.
Chrissy--You can make this powerful decision---a decision that puts the choices and consequences squarely where they should be---on us.
It's the same if you have 20 pounds to lose or 200---it's a mental attitude that nearly ensures your success.

You have the power, my friend!!! I didn't think I did for over twenty years near, at, or above 500 pounds...But I did have it the entire time---it was just too easy to ignore---and gravitate to the line of least resistance.

It's so easy at that line....But it can be a very hopeless and depressing place to hang out. Rise above that line and realize that you're worth the effort. Make that "iron-clad decision" to succeed. And get ready---success like you've never known, awaits!!!

You're incredible, my friend---Thank you for the support!!!"

Anonymous writes:

"Sean, I began reading your blogs in September 2010 as I was beginning to get serious about losing weight. As of yesterday I am off Metforim-which I have been on for three years- for insulin resistance and down over 40lbs. Your blogs helped me get back on track when I fell. I would click on one and then read for while. Always found something that would inspire me. With your blogs and the encouragemnet of good friends, I know I keep my healthier lifestyle
going."

Thank you anonymous!!! I'm absolutely thrilled for you!!! Actually, this person is a facebook friend, who would rather be anonymous, and that's very cool.

Andrea writes:

"I just wanted to stop by this morning and tell you that you have been such an inspiration on my journey! I love reading your blog (I was turned on by a friend) and have used your lessons to guide my steps on this path! Since mid November I have lost over 50 lbs and I continue to work on those last 50 with the help of wonderful people like you! Thank you! God Bless and keep on moving forward!"

Andrea--wow!!! You absolutely rock, my friend!!! Thank you so very much!!

Lyn writes:

"Sean, having read thru your blog and looking at your photos here on facebook, I hope that you include in your book all the amazing meals that you have made or combined."

Lyn, a collaborative cookbook project is in the very beginning "talking" stages. It would be one that would include many other winning losers--not just me. Besides---I'm not sure I could fill a cook book on my own!!!! Could you imagine?-- "The Amazing Pita Pizza and Omelet Cookbook!" But I certainly appreciate your confidence!! Thank you!!

Betty writes:

"I am reading your blog and have found it to be extremely motivating! I'm getting back on track again. Thank you! Thank you! Your blog is awesome!"

Betty--Thank you very much. Even when I don't post very often these days---I feel like the heart of this blog is the stuff that really counts. The latest stuff is important as far as maintaining--and I sincerely plan on being more active with this blog in that direction--But going back to day one and reading forward---is the best way to get the full perspective. Sometimes I feel like I've written everything I believe---and to keep saying it, only in a different way, is sometimes the challenge.

Laura Ward--AKA "Zaa Baby," from www.zaaisshrinking.blogspot.com writes:

"May of 2008....and May of 2011 everything is so different! What exciting times you and I live in Sean! How wonderful that things are different for not just you and me but hundreds of others whose lives you have affected! I will always hold you first in my heart as the one who made the most impact on my weight loss. Waiting patiently for my SIGNED COPY of your book. I predicted it, didn't I, oh so long ago?! Much hugs to you and yours."

Laura--Yes you did, my friend...Yes you did!!! Your success warms my heart, Laura. You're amazing my friend!!! And thank you for sticking with me---even when I wait a little too long to post something new!!! You will absolutely get a signed copy--right in your mailbox. You've been such a wonderful supporter!!! Thank you again!!!

What have I learned in the last few months? I've learned that in all the changes I've made--My changes in behavior with food is pretty solid. I don't look at food the same and I never will. I still love food, I still enjoy food, I'm still a food addict--only "recovering," always recovering---And that's OK. Because a new friendship with food is what it's all about--and that friendship will never be abusive again.

When ice cream "Dream Bars," get freezer burn because they've been in there for months---or an entire bag of 45 calorie Snickers minis (A gift) are completely forgotten about in a kitchen drawer...That's a major change. And I love it. It's a sweet freedom that I once thought was impossible to capture. But it's not impossible. It's very real, and very possible---because if someone like me can make it out--after twenty years near, at, or above 500 pounds--I believe anyone can.

I've also learned that I'm not naturally into exercise. That was really supposed to be a part of my lifestyle change--it was, and is---but I'm extremely flawed and faulty when it comes to keeping a set schedule for workouts. It is imperative for me to naturally evolve into a more consistent workout schedule. It's strange--when I started--nothing kept me from walking---it didn't matter--my schedule, the weather, stressed, tired---whatever---It was non-negotiable---But now---so far from the urgency of "do or die," I find it a little too easy to claim-- "I'm really tired," or "My schedule is just too crazy today," or whatever the circumstance might be---when really, I could and should make the time, every time.

Thank you for reading---This would be an epic post like no other if I took the time and space to catch up on everything that has transpired in the last month--so I'll wrap with some photos instead.

I sincerely appreciate your patience and readership--thank you again. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


My grandfather on my dad's side---Silas Haynes--passed away on Mothers Day. I wasn't able to make the trip to Alabama to be with everyone, but I sincerely cherish my trip from last November, even more. Here we are together. I'll have this photo forever. He was an amazing man.


This amazing dessert is just under 100 calories---and totally incredible!! Picture blurry---I use my phone---I really should buy a camera---Geez!!


Hosting The Poncan Opry. Photo credit: Rick Logan


Uh, yeah---I don't really "do" cowboy hats well. Not my style, I guess. But I still love country music!! I love all music---You know that!!!


In my cabin at Camp Wood--getting ready to speak to the Kansas State Alliance YMCA Gathering. Thank you Kansas YMCA's for having me!!! It was awesome!


I love this breakfast--The 60 calorie Joseph's Pita is perfect--the cheese---the egg, oh my--great breakfast!!! With a whole egg and two egg whites--still under 220 and VERY filling!!


Recent lunch. I'm in a habit of taking all kinds of good stuff to work. When I do---I grab less of the little snacks that live in the kitchen at work. Pretzels are awesome---but three hundred calories worth isn't always a good idea!!!


Karen prepared this amazing dinner for me. I wasn't that big on salmon before--but wow, she adjusted my perspective with a perfect grilling and a squeeze of lemon. It was divine. I actually insisted on the small sirloin, because I was convinced I wouldn't like the salmon. I liked both!!


Amber received two scholarships at the SWOSU Education department Awards Ceremony. I am so blessed to have such amazing kids. Wow---I'm a very proud dad!!! We're acting silly here--because that's what we like to do!!!


My beautiful momma--wearing my sunglasses. I love this picture of her--In fact, it's the picture that pops up when she calls my phone!!! ;) Love you momma!!!


OK--Enough with the cowboy hat pictures. We've already established---not my look.


I had a sinus infection gone wild in this photo. I missed work and everything. Very painful infection---I know it looks like something is in my cheek---But nope--nothing--well actually, something was---but we don't want to go there---It was full of infection. Thank you antibiotic shots and medicine!!! Wow---it was getting scary, real fast.


Again this year--I put on the heels for the "Walk A Mile" campaign to raise money and awareness for the Domestic Violence Program of North Central Oklahoma. You can visit their website and find out more: www.dvpnco.org A wonderful organization and cause---and what an amazing event!!!


Another scrumptious meal!!!


Momma and Me. I love her so much. We were at KFC--eating grilled chicken!! I love that stuff--because I can enjoy an entire meal for under 400 calories--at KFC, never would have thought that possible before KGC. Maybe too much sodium--but calorie wise, it's really nice.
I love this photo of her.

Day 918-935 Being Aware and Present, Wearing Heels, Speaking Engagements, and The Answer To "How?"

Day 918-935

Being Aware and Present, Wearing Heels, Speaking Engagements, and The Answer to "How?"

As I sit down to write, I'm grilling a small steak on my Foreman Grill and baking some fries in the oven. I really enjoy the relationship I've developed with food. As a recovering food addict, I must always be aware and present in the choices I make. I still eat anything I want, but the portions are very different than before this transformation of mind, body, and soul.

I talk about being "aware and present," because I think it's very easy to fall into auto-pilot mode, where the goal is to not crash, while allowing a little turbulence. The attitude is "relax, I got this," but that attitude and inattentiveness can gradually translate to a less defined calorie budget. I believe I've absolutely fallen into that category. It's very easy to do after tremendous success.

The key is to identify that mode and correct--be aware and present, and tighten the grip on the controls. I've always been very confident in my choices with food, but in the last six months or so, I've cruised along in a very comfortable place. Some might say--"Sean, seriously, you're fine--congrats!" But I see the pictures, I feel how my clothes fit--I see me in the mirror--and I know, I'm not where I want to be physically. How many times am I going to say that?? And why is it so easy to cruise along where I am?

Because I feel incredible. I do. I can move--and my physical condition is light years from where I started. This is me--talking to myself--This is me using this blog the way it was intended from the beginning---for me. I know what I'm capable of doing and being. I know what I want and trust me, I'll get what I want! I will, because I'm willing to work hard for it every step of the way. Here we go!

I recently worked with the volunteers and staff of the Domestic Violence Program of North Central Oklahoma in an effort to raise money and awareness for their agency. I moved into a tent on the sidewalk in front of Wal-Mart--where we set up my new "home." I was accompanied around the clock by so many wonderful people--and the beautiful support that followed was really something incredible to witness. I put on red high heels (again), and even applied lipstick, all for donations to this incredibly important service. It was fun, informative, heartwarming, and at times--challenging. But the turnout was worth every hour in front of that store. Thank you to everyone for the donations and support. It was a tremendous success!

I hurried home Friday morning from the fundraiser and jumped in the shower. Oh--wow--a shower hasn't felt that good in years. After 50 hours without a shower--I made it an extra long, soaking kind of shower---but not too long, because I had to get dressed and to the YMCA for a speaking engagement. I spoke to a group of YMCA fitness directors, youth directors, and membership directors from all over the state of Oklahoma. They were all here for a conference--and I was a featured speaker! It was very cool--great audience, and it required me to change my focus a little near the end of my presentation, because every audience is different.

It was my second speaking engagement in less than a week, having spoke in front of the Kiwanis club on Tuesday. I have another scheduled for Thursday the 14th at the Conoco-Phillips Refinery--a private event for their employees. It's such a dream come true--all of these speaking engagements. This is my passion. I love communicating with an audience--and feeling the energy in the room. Oh--almost forgot to mention---I just received a contract to speak at the Kansas assembly of YMCA personnel on May 5th near Salina, Kansas. We're also working on a future agreement that will include speaking events and book signings at YMCA's across the region. It's thrilling to me!!!

Oh--how's the book coming? Thanks for asking. Uh--I'm STILL finishing the manuscript. It's almost become a joke between me and my close personal friends. But trust me--it's not a joke! It is coming--it will be finished---and it will be everything I hoped. I've certainly taken my sweet time, but really--it's a good thing. I recently had a chapter reading with close family--and it really fired me up--to get busy and get it done already!!!

I have many wonderful things, physically--that I'm wanting to experience very soon---Yoga at OM Yoga and Pilates Studio in Ponca City is something that I believe could be crucial to the improvement of my breathing. My recent sleep apnea troubles and sometimes "awake" apnea--seem to be my lungs and heart trying to adjust to the lighter load on my body. I worked them so hard for so long, and now--I need to retrain my breathing to best benefit my smaller body. Deep breathing exercises and the concentration of personal energy are two things that, especially right now--could be a major difference maker. I also look forward to playing tennis, continue with a more consistent weight training schedule, eventually start swimming regularly, and more!

http://www.transformationroad.com/ is in the very beginning stages right now. This site will be much more than just the internet homepage for my book. I have major plans for this site--and I want you to be a part of it all! I would love for you to share your weight loss story with a before and current picture. I'll share it on the new page. If you have a weight loss blog--I'd be happy to also provide a link. Transformation Road isn't just about me--It's about US---all of us, along this road. We share experiences, we share support, we share knowledge---we learn and grow, always. If you would like to be featured--please send an email to me--- sean@transformationroad.com You can also find that address at the "contact us" link on the page. I sincerely hope to hear from you!

I saw an old buddy today, from way back. It's been years since Bryan lived around here and was a GM at a car dealership. He was amazed at the difference in me--and he just kept looking at me, saying "I don't recognize you." That was very cool. I NEVER get tired of those kind of reactions.

Today's excerpt is the long answer to "How?" Re-published by request from someone frustrated from trying to find the right page. I've been horrible about labeling--I mean, I haven't done any--so unless you read from Day 1, you might have missed some things:

Along the way and especially after big milestones, the number of people asking "the question," increases. It's the first question that comes when someone learns of my weight loss success...It's human nature for most of us. The question is simple: How did you do it?

I know I've posted and re-published this many times--and here, I'll do it again. The following is the long answer to "How?" with "The Wrong Battle" analogy at the end:

Readers of this blog know that I've struggled my entire life with obesity. So why am I having so much success now? Because I've decided. I've written before about making that “Iron-Clad Decision,” and it's that decision to succeed, that rock-solid commitment to consistency that has given me these incredible results. I found out that you have to give this journey an amazingly high priority. You have to make it one of the most important things you do. You have to defend your journey from anything and everything that might try to derail it. You have to protect it from yourself. I was always my own worst enemy, I understand that. When you make it this important, it really makes it hard to rationalize bad choices, you know what I mean? As dramatic as it might sound, this is life and death stuff my friend. And no matter if you have 30 pounds or 300 pounds to lose, if you give it that “do or die” level of importance in your life, you're less likely to fail. But is it that easy? Just decide? Really?? Make it important? What?? No.

Along with my “Iron-Clad” decision, I decided to throw away every single misconception I had about weight loss. I knew I wanted long term results, I really wanted to change. So I eliminated any plan that wasn't completely natural. I needed something I could do that would keep me thin the rest of my life. I needed to learn what a normal portion looked like. I didn't want a 'meal replacement” type plan, or a pre-packaged food “weight loss center” type of plan. I knew those type of plans were simply a means to lose weight temporarily. I needed to confront my behaviors with food in everyday situations, and it had to be head on with real food like everybody else eats. I then determined that nothing was off limits. I could eat anything I wanted, and I mean anything! That element of my journey has been one of the keys to success, because if nothing is off limits, then I'll never feel deprived...and I'll never feel defeated because I enjoyed something that conventional weight loss wisdom says you can't have if you want to lose weight. It's not the food, it's the portions.

Counting calories was a natural choice for me. It's taught me about proper portions and it's forced me to make better choices along the way. I opened the “Calorie Bank and Trust” in my mind, treating my calories like cash. Every morning I would be issued 1500 new calories that I could use however I wanted, but beware!

I quickly learned that good choices meant making wise calorie “investment” decisions. I had to spread those calories out all day long, or run short as a consequence. The “Calorie Bank and Trust” doesn't have an ATM. When the calories are gone, they're gone until the bank “opens” the next morning. It might sound silly, it's not---look what it's done for me. But those urges to binge, how do I control those nasty things? Those crazy thoughts that sometime come from out of nowhere, stealing away my resolve, making me fantasize about eating large quantities of anything that I love, yes they existed for me just like everyone else. How have I handled that?

Motivating thoughts plus accountability plus writing out my thoughts every night in this daily blog. That's how I've handled those journey breaking meltdowns. I tell people: Cling tight to those motivating thoughts, defend your journey like your life depends on it, in most cases it does. Decide that nothing...no emotion, no circumstance, no person, place or thing is allowed to steal this away from you. I deserve this success. You deserve this success.

It's too important my friend. One of the biggest elements is self honesty. This means calling yourself on all those excuses and rationalizations that we tell ourselves in order to feel better about bad choices. Honesty, 100%---at all times. And exercise? Anything...just move. All I could do in the beginning was walk and I could barely do that for very long. But I was moving. And the more you move, the easier it gets. All of a sudden my 505 pound near deadly quarter mile walks became a mile...then two, then three, and so on. In the beginning it doesn't have to be anything special. There's no machine to buy or membership required. Just movement. After a while you can get fancy. But set a solid foundation of success first by mastering the basics.

I've discovered something that many have discovered before me, and that is this: It's really 20% about food and exercise and 80% about the mental aspects. Someone who has really helped my mental development is Ralph Marston. I've read very little of Mr. Marston's writing, but this one life changing work from him is something I've read countless times:

“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live." Visit Mr. Marston at http://www.greatday.com/

This food relationship understanding, the clarity involved--in analogy form, was one of the the topics of discussion with mom the next morning at breakfast. Over an egg-white veggie omelet with hashbrowns, we talked about the battles of weight loss--and more specifically, the enemy we're battling. Let me explain:

When I look back at my many failed weight loss attempts, I can clearly see a crucial error in my battle plan. This mistake was the reason for my yo-yo dieting. This mistake was why it was always a struggle every single day as I lost weight in the past. This flaw is one that is made by millions of others everyday along this road...it's the reason for the madness, it's the reason why we're conditioned to believe that weight loss is hard. What is it? Please read...

I was always fighting the wrong battle. I didn't know who or what was the real enemy. How can you effectively battle, if you haven't identified the real enemy? I made food my enemy, that was the battle. I was always determined to put the food in its place---I would try to defeat food at every turn. Food wasn't going to win. That was my battle. The perceived enemy: food. But while I was busy battling food, the real enemy would sneak in from the side and defeat me every time in a battle that I didn't even realize I should be fighting. The real enemy?: ME.

Food never wanted to fight me, food was my friend, my ally...but I was convinced otherwise. It was food that made me fat, right? NO. I made me fat by using and abusing my friend in food. But I could never admit that before. So the battle with my perceived enemy of food would continue...I'd make special list, set portion sizes, count those calories---resist temptation at every turn---battle it, fight with everything I had---but in the end I would always lose the fight. Why? How?

It kind of sounds like what I've done this time...but wait... It wasn't and isn't the same. What ended my past weight loss battles? It wasn't food. It was the real enemy: ME.

Armed with excuses, rationalizations, and slinging blame wherever I could---the real enemy would show up on the scene and completely stop me in my tracks. Even if I had lost 115 pounds like I did in 2004---the real enemy would step in and take it all back, plus some...and it happened time and time again. And it happened because I was fighting the wrong enemy. I was waging war on an ally, whose only desire was to be my friend---nourish me, keep me healthy, provide my body what it needs to live. No wonder I failed so many times at losing weight!

It wasn't until this time, when I discovered the power of self-honesty and 100% self-responsibility in my behaviors with food, that the real battle became clear. And now I know the real enemy. But the goal isn't and never has been to pummel this enemy---the goal has always been to turn this enemy into an ally.

It's about becoming friends with yourself---and that's what's happened over the course of this transformation road. I realized the enemy wasn't really food and that food was always my friend and I realized that although I had always been my own worst enemy, I had the power to call a truce---with a self-honesty/responsibility pact that would leave me good friends with this former enemy. Friends with food and friends with myself. The needless battles are over...there's no peace in those battles. But here---oh my, there's all kinds of wonderful peace and freedom. Freedom to live, breathe, eat, and continue down this road without the frustrations that always plagued my past weight loss attempts.

When someone asks "So, you worried about gaining all that weight back?" I smile and say "no, not at all." It might sound over-confident to them...but when you haven't an enemy to battle--the fight is over and all that's left is gentle understanding and warm peace.

My exercise schedule and calorie budget are getting some serious consideration from me lately. I also want to start posting more often here--at least once every few days. Those post will be shorter, of course...but quality over quantity, my friend. I will have plenty to write about--as I experience Yoga, finish my manuscript, get in a pool again, and take my transformation to another level with weight training. Really--we're just getting started. Thank you for coming along! And seriously--thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,

Sean


Recent picture--trying to take a new facebook profile shot!
With Mom at the Domestic Violence Fundraiser!
Those heels hurt!!!!!!

With mom and Kelli
The tent was cozy!

By the time this picture was snapped---I was delirious. I put on lip gloss for a fifty dollar donation! It was worth it!! A Recent lunch: Salmon Burgers!!! I recently discovered these--and they're not bad at all!! Only 120 calories each--and no weird and crazy ingredients. This lunch checked in at just a touch over 300 calories!!
Today's featured "Before" picture. This was May of 2008--at Amber's High School Graduation!

Day 899-917 The Most Important Part: The Gaining and Putting The Solution Ahead of The Problem

Day 899-917

The Most Important Part: The Gaining and Putting The Solution Ahead of The Problem

I was moving as fast as my legs could spin that cycle and I was hurting. It was minute eleven of a sixty minute spinning class. It had been a while since I braved the spinning class and my body was not real thrilled with me. I started thinking about how I could make an exit without looking like I had just wimped out and then it hit me: Quitting isn't an option. It's one hour of my otherwise busy but still, easy day--a few more classes, and I'll be conditioned to endure without these meltdown thoughts of failure.

One of my favorite things about working out at the YMCA is seeing so many people taking control and choosing change. It's so inspiring. The membership at our YMCA has exploded since they opened the new facility. New faces of hope, strength, and triumph are everywhere!! It's beautiful.

I recently accepted and performed a stand-up routine at a benefit fundraiser for the Cherokee Strip Museum in Arkansas City, Kansas. It was the first time in a very long time that I was speaking before a crowd about anything other than weight loss. And it was fine, but it wasn't passionate. It was OK, but it wasn't life changing to me. It was familiar, until I looked at the images afterward.

My stand-up always centered around my size and now, well---I couldn't take that easy way out. And the man I was seeing on that stage certainly wasn't what I remember. Sometimes, even after awhile--I get taken aback by my smaller size. It's a friendly reminder of how far I've come--and it feels so amazing. Do I still have some work to do physically? Absolutely--but I'm thin compared to what I was at over five hundred pounds.

When I casually mentioned that I once weighed that much, there was a collective gasp throughout the room. I don't know why I mentioned it really, because it didn't have anything to do with my set--I didn't have any jokes about my weight or previous weight, so I don't know. Maybe I somehow missed that big guy up there, trying to make people laugh no matter the personal expense, and this awkward mention was just an uncontrollable blurt from where my mind was lingering...on old Sean.

I have zero desire to do anymore straight stand-up gigs in the future. This one was for charity and that's cool, but no more stand-up. The passion I feel when I'm talking about losing weight is like stand-up times a thousand. I'll stick with my true passion.

The speaking engagements are starting to come more frequently. I have three scheduled for the first two weeks of April, one in May, and I just MC'd the Lose To Win Awards for Ponca City Medical Center. Participants lost over 2,500 pounds in eight weeks. The program had a 75% retention and completion rate--compared with 32-35% at other programs around the country. That's HUGE!!! I had the pleasure of handing out $5,500 in checks on behalf of the program, to the biggest losers. And it was my pleasure to deliver a brief keynote.

I talked about how losing was wonderful, but what's really important is the gaining. What did you gain from the experience? I've gained so much from my personal transformation. I've gained freedom, life, confidence, self-acceptance and love, I've gained better health, I've gained years, and so much more.

I also talked about something that has been kind of an unwritten theme of this entire journey. Sometimes, you must work on the solution before you can correctly identify the problem.

Day one on this blog was fairly simple in terms of what I was going to do. I was going to stay within the bounds of my calorie budget and walk a little bit. All of the epiphanies came as I progressed down the road. I was working the solution first and really understanding the problem later. It sounds completely backwards...Don't we usually identify the problem and then try to figure out the solution? But how can we fully see the problem when we're right in the middle? You've heard the expression "from the outside looking in...," I had to get outside of my problems---work the solution, then reflect back in order to see a very clear picture of where I was and why I was.

Really--this goes back to something I've talked about many times---and that's simplifying the process...don't over-complicate. Keep it simple, work the solution, then clearly see the issues when you get far enough away from the storm.

This thought process---along with the "wrong battle" analogy, are the type of outside the box thinking that has helped me really break through.

I've been eating really well lately--and I've included some pictures of recent meals below. I think a cookbook might be in order someday--perhaps a collaborative effort with me and my friends!! Seriously--that might be something to discuss someday soon. I guess I better finish the first book, ...first. ;)

My new website is up in a very simple "under construction" mode. You can visit www.transformationroad.com ---You'll find a link to my Twitter and Facebook accounts there---and I hope you'll add me as a friend. You'll also see a "contact" link with my transformationroad email account. This new site will eventually be the home base website of all of my endeavors. I plan on expanding the site in many different and exciting ways---so please stay connected via facebook, twitter, and right here on this blog. I'll keep you posted!!

I get a bunch of wonderful emails and messages---and I try to respond, even if it takes me a few days sometimes. I sincerely appreciate your patience and understanding. I occasionally like to share some of these exchanges--because I feel like they might help someone else. Here's one:

Hi Sean……I was just wondering in the beginning of your journey how did you cope with falling back into your old eating habits?? I started my “new life” Oct 30, 2010 and stuck to it all through the holidays and have lost 30 pounds but when I started to plateau and I started getting discouraged and started slipping up. I still want to lose about 50 more pounds but have found myself stuck. I was wondering if you had any words of encouragement……actually I know you will! I must be a stress eater because I’ve had a lot lately. I am not really a bored eater because I stay pretty busy all the time. For me it is just making the wrong food choices, I am usually on the go and need quick meals. I need to get out of that bad habit, I know, but it just not knowing how! Well, I was just needing some encouragement and hoping you could help!

Thanks, Katie

Katie,

It can be extremely easy to allow a combination of success+comfort in your smaller body+stress+plateau= Returning to your old behaviors. I've experienced that too along the way.

This is the time when you really have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that it's "crunch time." Dig deep and stir up the emotions tied to your motivating thoughts---and feel it, Katie. Where do you want to go with your transformation? How much weight do you want to lose? Is it a true plateau or is it the results of inconsistency? Answer these questions--not to me, but to yourself.

Get that fight back---and know, that you have the power to accomplish this goal. You're not stopping half way--You're going all the way, my friend. Realize who/what you're really fighting. It's not food---it's you. When you fully embrace the real fight---then, the food issues will work themselves out. Does that make sense?

I knew that I had to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget at all cost---so, when I was running behind---or in a "bad choices" environment, I still understood that I had a set limit....and the choices I made in that moment, would determine if I was going to feel satisfied or cheated. If I blew 500 or 600 calories on something crazy--that I would consider a "bad" calorie value---it still didn't give me permission to break the bank and go over. Treating those calories like cash was so very vital. When the money is gone, it's gone. It really forces the issue of fighting ourselves in moments of weakness.

The stressful triggers---oh my---so many---BUT...I knew going in that I was an emotional eater. Stress would send me running to food everytime...so when life would start raining down, that;s when I had to fight the hardest. No more was the circumstances used as permission to eat as much or whatever...because it is a destructive cycle. Eating to forget---finding that temporary escape to something good. I had to replace that "good" with feeling good, about winning the battle within me to deviate from my plan.

When you hit the pillow at night--you want to be confident that you've done everything you needed to do to be successful that day. It's a peace that comes over you...you know when you're "on," and how good that feels. Make that the goal every night---hit the pillow knowing that you're doing it this time---and NOTHING will stand in the way of you hitting goal.

Stay true to yourself---exercise---eat enough---and drink plenty of water---and don't worry, you'll break away from that nasty plateau. But the biggest thing---battle yourself--and after a while, you'll become the most amazing friend to yourself. It's a wonderful place to be---where the battles are over. Don't get me wrong, we always have to check ourselves every now and again--but seriously, you can find that groove. It's very peaceful.

My best always, Katie---Rock this thing---because, seriously---YOU DESERVE TO FEEL AMAZING ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE TO BE AS HEALTHY AS YOU CAN BE. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL THIS GOOD!!!!

Take care,
Sean

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And if you think you might be too old to worry about getting serious about all of this weight loss stuff,
Let me introduce you to Ron Hall--age 77--and busy adding years to his life!!!!  This email made my day:


Hi Sean,

Just wanted to share with you my little journey. I discovered you page 
about 226 days ago and I said to myself, "Maybe" and so I began by 
reading at page 1 and now I am at page 500. I am 77 years old and when 
I started reading your blog, I had just about given up at 296 lbs but I 
thought, "well maybe" and I started. I have tried and lost all of my 
life, I have tried most all the fad and quick diets and I always had 
stopped short of counting calories as when I began to check out the 
meals, I thought surely I will starve on that. But when you said treat 
them like money, I caught on and after all this time I have lost about 
50 lbs and I have learned to make good choices now instead of just 
giving in. I had been asking the Lord for guidance in this weight loss 
try as I thought it will be my last. I just couldn't navigate all this 
weight anymore. My old joints and frame was beginning to complain more 
every day. Now I am doing much better. I am still reading your blog and 
still getting insight to what makes me tick sometimes like I do. I 
wanted to thank you for your helping me do this. My wife also is 
getting inspired again also.

God Bless you and keep you in all your endeavors,

Ron Hall

Thank you Ron for your spirit and showing us all--that NOW IS THE TIME!!!

My font changed--I think, or is it just me?  Well, anyway...

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog from Day 1--

That's a bunch of reading, my friend. I'm honored--thank you again.

I'm very excited about what's ahead around here. I must give thanks everyday for the many blessings---

I'll try to post a little more frequently---I miss it when I don't!!! Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Cathy Cole was the Biggest Female Loser--41.3 pounds!! I'm presenting her with the check!! She's doing so amazing!!! I'm thrilled for her---wow!!


Recent shot


Giant before picture--Over 500 Pounds

Some food pictures---


I love omelets--Especially when I cut the calories way down by using some egg whites mixed in with a whole.
Good food, great calorie value!

Pita pizza--carrots and apples---Nice lunch--or was this a snack? I can't remember...



I love fish. Talapia with green beans and a small baked potato--side of apple sauce--with cinnamon---I love it!!!


Recent lunch...Oh my---so good!!!