Showing posts with label focus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label focus. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

October 1st, 2014 A Redirection Of Focus

October 1st, 2014 A Redirection Of Focus

Things are going very well. I'm losing weight consistently and feeling fantastic. Things are well, not perfect. If I had to identify two things I need to improve, it's the amount of sleep at night and the amount of water I consume each day. Improving both of these numbers will only benefit my health.

I feel like I'm experiencing some breakthroughs with my time management/sleep issues. First of all, it's important for me to note that fortunately, I'm not writing about sleep apnea symptoms at this time, it's all about quantity at this point. I seem to be resting very well during this part of my transformation. I say "this part" because I know from previous experience that I must constantly be aware of how I'm sleeping and breathing and how I feel upon waking and throughout the day. Unfortunately, sleep apnea symptoms can and often do come back, despite weight loss. Right now, I'm enjoying some freedom from it and I sincerely hope and pray it continues for a very long time.

Breakthroughs-- yes. Here's the thing: In regard to the issue of constantly going to bed way too late, I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was focusing on trying to fix the end result instead of focusing on the elements leading to that result. It was frustrating because my focus was "I've got to get to bed earlier and by golly I'm gonna do it!" But then, without changing the elements throughout my day, I would repeat the same thing over and over--even reaching a point I wouldn't complain about it anymore within these writings; trying hard not to mention the issue. My attitude was a no-nonsense, slightly harsh one: If I'm going to continue doing it, then I might as well shut up about it already!!

Yesterday and today--no nap. And I was just fine. I made it through quite well and I'm about to hit the publish button on this one and hit the pillow. The proper focus--and it's something that was probably very obvious to you, was needed earlier in the day. The choices I make at the intersection of my work day and the rest of my day/evening, are the critical ones in need of focus. And it's all about attitude and perspective. I've challenged myself yesterday and today and I've come out on top of it. That feels really good!

This redirection of focus reminds me of the overwhelming feeling some of us have experienced when we're faced with a large weight loss challenge. If our focus is on the "I must lose weight--I've got to lose almost 300 pounds or 200, or 40"--it can seem overwhelming--but if we reel that in and point our focus on the smaller elements--the one day, one choice at a time approach, pretty soon we realize we're actually doing it--the smaller focus on the supporting elements needing our attention make this big, sometimes overwhelming challenge, totally doable. We don't have to figure out the big thing all at once. We figure out the small things and suddenly the big thing changes into something we can handle.

I had a long work day today that took the lions share of my afternoon and then a recording session this evening for a voice-over project. I made sure to enjoy dinner before the session and get a good two mile walk in immediately after.

I've had a meatless day. I don't know how often I do this because I honestly haven't paid much attention. It stuck out to me today because I was debating on adding some sirloin tip steak atop my pasta, then I added the calories, eventually deciding it wasn't needed. Interesting.

This focus on time management is important to me for a variety of reasons. I have two big projects on the horizon, an audio meditations project and book number two--plus I have the very strong desire to get focused on a YouTube series with my girlfriend, Heather.  Proper time management is going to become even more critical, quickly.

My Tweets today:












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, June 21, 2014

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

Today was mine. All mine. I mentioned last night how I planned to sleep in and I did! I slept late until almost 11am! It was so good, so refreshing, solid sleep. I needed it and I took it! I had a rare Saturday off. No schedule, nowhere to be--just a day for me. It was nice, but one thing was missing: The structure of a schedule.

As confident as I am, as determined and spirited as I can be--still, the idea of having a day absent of structure in schedule was slightly worrisome. I'm up at 4:30am on a typical work day. I prepare breakfast and snacks, and depending on what I've kept in the fridge at work, I might pack something for lunch. I make sure I have everything I need food wise to get me through until late afternoon. The only variables remaining is a late afternoon snack, dinner and my #lastfoodofday. The structure of the schedule acts like gutter protectors used for little kids' bowling parties. 

On a day like today, the gutter protectors are pulled back and I must rely on my instincts to navigate the day as I create a schedule on the fly, without slipping into the gutter. I feel like I almost bowled a perfect game today without the gutter protectors. The only "complaint" I have is, often when I combine breakfast and lunch, I end up short on my calorie budget by the end of the day. I put quotations around the word complaint, because really--I have no real complaints. Things are going really well lately. I did end up with over 300 calories remaining for my #lastfoodofday, so I decided a sirloin and swiss melt dry-grilled (Foreman grill) sandwich on a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita with a side of cantaloupe would do just fine. And it was wonderful. Never mind that it was midnight. It's almost 1am as I write this post, so it's not like I consumed the 289 calories and immediately dropped in bed.

The accountability system I've put in place is working wonders for me. This system plays a big role in keeping me "surrounded" by wonderful supportive people like you! I never feel alone, even when it's just me and a kitchen full of food and all day to do nothing if I so choose.

Of course I took advantage of the extra time to get creative in the kitchen. I'm starting to get super passionate about cooking and experimenting with different foods and calorie values. My brunch today was one of those experiments.

When I'm super proud of something, I'll also post it to my facebook page. Karsten, who has lost an incredible amount of weight and is still losing, commented that for him, the count was too high for a single meal. So I offered some modifications: "...totally understand your concern! Since I was combining breakfast and lunch, I opted for a higher count on this. The great thing is, it could be modified easily... Using two egg whites instead of four would make each crepe style omelet thinner, but still good--using 1/2 serv of sour cream would allow the flavor of the green chili sauce to come through better, using only one slice of swiss, cut in half--instead of two full slices wouldn't have had much impact on flavor or texture either...1/2 the avocado is an easy cal cutting strategy and of course 1/2 the fruit too... If all of these suggestions were followed, this delicious brunch would have checked in at a very reasonable 313 calories. Delish!!"

The green chili cream sauce is simple--just mix 30g (40cal) of light sour cream with four tablespoons of green chili taco sauce. The flavor of the sauce, the melted swiss and the avocado made this meatless brunch out of this world good!

I spent a good amount of time reading and commenting on blogs, catching up on emails and I even exchanged some support texts with a friend. When I stay connected with my weight loss blogging friends, I get a real sense of community. We are strong!! By the way--if you have a weight loss blog and you're not sure if I have it on my blogroll or not, please leave a comment with the address to your blog. I'd love to check it out!

I'm excited to announce that a change in design is coming to this blog. You might say, "Sean--seriously, let it go--the person who called your blog ugly was being shallow and harsh. Stop taking it so personal." And I get that. Although the comment was the epitome of superficial and rather harsh, the anonymous poster did refer to the content as "interesting," before slamming the layout and design. I'll take that as a positive. Anyway, my point is--I heard from a bunch of people concerning this comment. Since I have an open mind and I'm willing to admit when good points are made, contrary to my own--I listen. And it benefits me in wonderful ways. I've always focused on content, not aesthetics. My attitude has always been: If the message is real and honest--helps me by getting it out and onto the page--and if it helps someone else, that's a bonus--but really, if it accomplishes all of that--then who cares what it looks like? 

Some good points were made. People whom I respect and admire said things like, "I look forward to reading each entry, but because of the layout and design, it is a little hard to read sometimes." Then I opened a wonderful email from a long time supporter and fellow blogger who just happens to be a very talented artist too and she showed me a wonderful mock up of a design. It was absolutely perfect. And she put some considerable thought into it. On the proposed design, she writes:

Colors & design: Down to earth, simple, clean and straightforward, like you.
Fonts: Casual handwriting at top, nothing pretentious; then American Typewriter for intro, like an old journal entry.
Pen: Old and well worn, used a lot for this journey.

Logo: CHOOSE CHANGE, forged steel look; iron-clad determination; forged in the fire of trials & triumphs.

I'm beside myself excited about the upcoming change! It'll take a little while, maybe a few weeks. When it's ready, you'll know it because this blog will look amazing and be much easier on the eyes; easier to read.
When it's done, I'll reveal the artist behind the design, reintroducing you to one of my favorite people in blogland! All of the content and features will remain the same, only the colors and design will change.

I enjoyed a wonderful workout at the YMCA this afternoon. I sometimes like to pick a day to skip the workout and usually it falls on the weekend--and today would have been a decent day to skip, but I was feeling so good, I wanted to feel even better and a good workout always gives me a boost. I'm glad I decided to go. Arriving at the facility an hour before closing time on a Saturday is perfect because it's like you have the entire place to yourself. I really cut loose on the lip syncing this afternoon. It was fun!

I received a text from a longtime friend this evening. He and his dad were in town for dinner and he wanted to know if I was available for a visit. I first met this friend when he was 12 or 13 years old and I was 19 or 20, maybe 21, I can't remember. His dad owned a radio station and I was applying for a job. Dave didn't like me at first, the new guy hired by his dad--but over the years, he softened and a relationship of mutual respect developed. I was there at his Eagle Scout ceremony and years later at his beautiful wedding. He's one of those people who naturally inspires you to be a better person, simply by being himself. Him and his dad both--great people. Oh, by the way-"the kid" Dave, is now an Emmy award winning television producer. I'm so very proud of him. I love these two guys. What a wonderful surprise to have them both a short drive away. We met at the studios downtown and had the most amazing visit. They both wanted to see Team Radio's state of the art studios built into an old historic (1927) vaudevillian theatre. We reminisced about the old days and laughed so much. It was an absolute pleasure. My only regret is, we didn't all mic up and record the conversation. It was that much fun. 

One of the things I recognized afterward, was the level of joy the visit brought me and how my current state of peace and calm certainly contributed to my ability to relax, be myself and enjoy the moments. In the middle of the darkness that surrounds extreme struggle, I wouldn't have been as receptive to the visit. I may not have even replied to the text message. It wouldn't have been anything personal toward them--it would have been me, waist deep in my own misery--isolating and not wanting to see anyone I didn't absolutely have to see. Isn't it interesting, the domino effect of feeling good about ourselves and who we are, what we're all about? It makes the things that bring us joy, even better. Everything is enhanced. It hasn't anything to do with the food and exercise, and everything to do with the identity/self-worth epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post.

My Sean Day was a good one. I finished the day just under budget. I flexed my creative side in the kitchen. I exercised. I reached out in support of others (this element helps me too, tremendously). And I paused long enough to express thanks and gratitude for where I am today, with a prayer that I remain firmly on track.

If you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My user name is SeanAAnderson. I use it to log all of my food and exercise--and it's updated with accurate weight loss statistics.  My food diary is set to public, so if you see a food picture I've tweeted and you're curious about the ingredients and precise amounts used, it's all there! The one thing I rarely do on MyFitnessPal is interact. I've allowed myself to not be overly worried about this--because I am very active on facebook, twitter and this blog--so social media wise, I feel like I'm doing the best and most I can at this time. 

If you're into food pictures and calorie counts, my Live-Tweet twitter feed of everything I eat might be right up your alley. It's certainly not for everybody! The purpose of it isn't to be an example or anything like that--if you're a regular reader, you know my food philosophy--we're all different... and what I like, you may not. I maintain the Twitter feed for my own benefit. This accountability tool has been a giant difference maker for me of late. It's inspired me to not only eat better, but to slow down and enjoy my food more.  If you're interested in the Twitter feed, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a Twitter account to view the page and tweet history, only to interact.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

June 11th, 2014 Weigh-In Edition

June 11th, 2014 Weigh-In Edition

One of the things I explored during my initial weight loss was the emotional/psychological effects of weighing. I knew how the scale had effected me in the past and I refused to give it that power any longer. One weigh-in where the results didn't measure up to my expectations, and my mood and attitude would do an immediate 180. I worked so hard, didn't I?  Of course it creates uncertainty about everything we're doing...and since many of the things we're doing seem slightly foreign as we work at building new habits and behaviors, it's easy to let one bad weigh-in become the catalyst, throwing it all out the window...our plans, our hopes, our dreams, our health...everything.  A less-than-expected weigh-in result could mean several things: You're retaining water, you're building lean muscle, your metabolism is set to super low, thyroid issues, accuracy issues in tracking/counting, and several more, I'm sure. Whatever the number, it doesn't define you and it doesn't say anything bad about you and what you're doing. It's not an accurate indicator of whether or not you're doing anything right or wrong.  It's simply a check up to see how your body is responding to what you're doing. If it isn't moving for prolonged periods of time even after making adjustments to your approach, then a doctors visit is in order to rule out things like the above mentioned thyroid issue. But there's a flip side to this scale emotions/psychology dynamic.

I weighed today and discovered a 16 pound loss for the last three weeks. This brings my total loss for the last seven weeks to 41 pounds. Having experienced this "it comes off faster in the beginning" dynamic before, I know not to put too much stock in these numbers. It's different when you start from a much larger weight like me. It does come off faster at first. I've paid special attention to my nutrition better than I ever have before and I've made it important to exercise at least six times a week. I'm eating well and moving my body and thank God, it's responding in a positive way. I'm very grateful. If I only had 20 or 30 pounds to lose, then a much slower weight loss and smaller number would be expected and considered fantastic. It's all relative to the individual. One person's 20 is another person's 150. The dynamics in play are largely the same, only the numbers are proportionate to the unique individual.  What I'm saying is...

This quick start will slow in a dramatic fashion. So, as pleased as I am with the numbers thus far, I'm not allowing my early success to give me an inappropriate level of expectation for future weigh-ins. It's worth noting that during my initial 275 pound weight loss, I lost the first 200 pounds in slightly over 10 months--then, I spent the next year and four months losing the last 75 pounds. I lost 275 pounds in 26 months and 1 day...and that averages out to 2.6 pounds per week. When you analyze the numbers like that, it's perfectly reasonable. It all catches up and levels off.  My body will adjust, demand to be challenged more in the exercise department and it will respond differently as I proceed. The important thing is, I shall proceed regardless. When my approach needs adjustment (and it will), I'll be open to adjusting. I'm convinced had I upped my calories from 1500 and dramatically increased my workout intensity/routine, I could have lost the last 75 of my initial weight loss, much quicker than 16 months. Hindsight is golden with the proper perspective. But the larger point is, this is a learning process. It's a unique to the individual, learning experience. And as long as we allow ourselves to be open to learning, then we can only improve the quality of our journey.

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Weigh-In May 21st, 2014

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Weigh-In today June 11th, 2014

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Today was a challenge in other areas, namely sleep/rest. It was a very long day and since I insist on postponing breakfast until after my weigh-in at the doctors office, everything was late. I had a late breakfast, a late lunch and a late dinner. I didn't leave the studio until after 5pm and it was in that moment I had to make a decision.  Do I go straight to the Y for a workout? Or do I do what my body is screaming for me to do, go home and go to sleep for a good nap. Common sense says workout first, prepare dinner, write and actually get to bed at a decent time--but this is where my unique set of personal circumstances come into play. I knew we were expecting storms overnight. I'm on call 24/7 during severe weather season. If severe weather threatens our listening area, I'm headed to work to report the details live as it happens. Gayle Williams shares this responsibility with me and together we've won back to back Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters Broadcasting Excellence Awards for our coverage in 2012 and 2013. We take severe weather coverage VERY seriously around here and it shows in our commitment.  Knowing that there was a 90% chance of me being activated late or in the middle of the night, I chose option B. I headed straight home for a good nap, just in case I needed the rejuvenation for later in the night.

I prepared a late dinner and dessert (cinnamon/Stevia baked pears) and I feel good. I had planned to get a late night workout in, but instead opted to allow this to be my one day without a workout. I'll be fine and I will experience the elliptical at the YMCA again tomorrow.

As I write this, I'm monitoring a large line of severe thunderstorms moving toward our listening area. In fact, just now a warning was issued for Grant county, the county immediately to our West. It's likely not in our listening area just yet, but will be very soon. As expected, I'm headed back to work shortly. I'm confident I made the right decisions today and I feel fantastic about this tremendously positive momentum I'm enjoying. As I proceed one day at a time, I'm paying special attention to my awareness of emotions, stress and attitude--and how these effect my perspective and resolve at particular points throughout any given day. I'm learning so much about myself!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Sunday, June 8, 2014

June 8th, 2014 I Must Always Protect My Journey

June 8th, 2014 I Must Always Protect My Journey

I'm making positive headway on all fronts. I dealt with emotional stress today and didn't turn to food for comfort. Simply understanding that food isn't a therapist isn't enough to stop the bee line to the nearest binge food. We know the food isn't going to fix anything. And so it goes, we run to it anyway, knowing it isn't the answer. At this point, we're just looking for an escape. We're looking for a shelter from whatever it is weighing on us. And we eat. And we eat. And the time it takes us to eat, we're free. We're free from the worry. We're free from the stress. We try in vain to replace the pain, with something good. Even if it isn't good, it taste good. There's pleasure in the taste, pleasure in the bio-chemical reactions its substances provide.  And when we come down, or step away from that shelter, we realize everything is still the way it was, only now we have the added guilt and shame the binge brings. We resolve to not get fooled again. We resolve to get a handle. And we do, until our defenses are shattered and we reach for the same futile weapon, again and again. 

When I'm challenged and feeling exceptionally weak, I must always reach out to someone who truly understands and sincerely appreciates the dynamics involved. Spirituality and meditation help further relieve the urgency for flight. Then, after calming down and getting to a better mental state, I must always go back and confront the issue or circumstance, straight up. Every time I make these choices instead of choosing to escape into food, I get stronger. I don't believe in a time where I'll not need to be aware and on guard. I must always protect my journey, like a momma bear protects her cubs. It's too important to not.

I did well today. I'm proud of myself. I feel strong. I finished the day below my calorie budget and I completed a wonderful elliptical workout at the YMCA. I also took time to prepare some wonderful food.  You can check out my Twitter feed if you're interested in seeing pictures and calorie counts of my food today or any previous day for the last month and a half or longer. It's all there.

As I continue to be positively impacted by the epiphanies of May 15th (Their impact refuses to subside), I realize other bloggers I look up to have demonstrated wonderful examples of loving oneself and finding joy and wholeness in the things that make us who we are. One such example is Loretta. Click her name for her fabulous weight loss blog. She also has a separate blog dedicated to her amazing art, you can find it here.  Loretta has a wonderful perspective on many things. I highly recommend both of her blogs!

I enjoyed posting a micro-blog to my Facebook yesterday:


"What we constantly tell ourselves; the focus of our beliefs, becomes our reality. Even if it isn't true, it doesn't matter. If we give it enough energy, it becomes a very real thing. Our perception of reality IS our reality. If you're telling yourself “this is an impossible task and there's no hope for recovery” or “I'm doomed to fail along this road,” you're breathing life into those notions. The more you say it or think it, the stronger the belief becomes until it's as real as anything. A wise person once said, “thoughts become things,” and it's a powerful truth. If you're plagued by an imminent sense of doom, hopelessness and failing, I challenge you to think differently. My friend, I understand, I've been there on more than a few occasions. I may not know you personally or your unique set of circumstances, but I know this: Regardless of where you are, there's hope. You have an incredible power within you waiting to be tapped. It's as real as anything. You can do this. You deserve it. There's incredible hope and promise when you truly believe. Look around you and you'll likely see people who may have once felt hopeless too and now are thriving. They're not anymore special than you, they simply changed their inner dialogue and dominant thoughts/beliefs. Be kind to yourself. You're beautiful, smart and powerful. Believe it."

I hope you have a wonderful start to your week!  

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, June 7, 2014

June 7th, 2014 Not Leaving Things To Chance

June 7th, 2014 Not Leaving Things To Chance

I had an 11am-2pm broadcast at an auto dealership today. The owner of the dealership bought his staff lunch and extended the offer my way. Having brought my own, I declined. The free food opportunities have been numerous lately. I suppose it's that time of year. When everyone else started eating, I grabbed mine too. One of the sales associates noticed my lunch, walked over and said, "You're really serious about eating better, huh?" I replied, "It is one of my highest priorities, very important."

I'm not leaving things to chance. When a situation comes along (and it will) where I'm not prepared and find myself looking at a menu, I'm confident I'll navigate my order well. I've made it important to minimize those situations.  I enjoy cooking, pure and simple. I never use recipes, I just jump in and throw things together, hoping for the best. I'm thankful for my natural culinary skills.

Having a Twitter account dedicated to tweeting pictures and calorie counts of everything I eat has been an unexpected blessing. It has slowed me down nicely and inspired me to take care in preparing and enjoying what I eat. I plan better too. And once I get an idea in my head, it's tough to change it. I've declined a couple of dinner invitations because, "I'm sorry, I already have dinner plans." I leave out the part about it being dinner for one at my place. I truly, for the first time in my life, actually enjoy spending time alone. This is a very recent development. Since the epiphanies of May 15th, I feel different in a wonderful way.

Never before has an epiphany had this powerful of an impact on me and everything I am, do, think, feel and say. It's inspired me to take better care. It's a beautiful thing.  If you haven't read the May 15th post, you can find it here.  Also check out a post from a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness."

I had planned on a YMCA trip today before I discovered they close at 6pm on Saturday. I thought it was 7pm. I think it was at one point. Instead, I opted for a late night walk. It was shorter than normal because I'm a little tired today. My sleep has drastically improved but still, my schedule has been relentless lately and I think it's catching up to me.

I'm out of mind crazy excited about weigh day on Wednesday the 11th. I can feel and see the difference in fairly significant ways. My efforts are rewarding me and that feels fantastic.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

June 4th, 2014 My Perfection Is Imperfection

June 4th, 2014 My Perfection Is Imperfection

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and beliefs, their passions; convictions. I'm very respectful of all people and I do my best to be gracious. When someone has something helpful for me in the way of advice or concern, I immediately recognize it as a positive. Last night's post was a perfect example. I couldn't be more grateful for the wonderful perspective Janis gifted me. And it was spot on.

This morning I received a direct Twitter message from someone in the UK who has read this blog often over the years. She wrote, "Hi Sean, I checked out your MyFitnessPal diary for a few days. You are vastly undereating. That can't last. You MUST nourish your body. That you are restricting shows you have an eating disorder or more properly, Eating Distress. Restricting your food intake so low won't help. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Please consider my words. God Bless."

I explained that I was aware that I had an eating disorder called food addiction. She went on to say that she doesn't believe in food addiction, only in food behavior addiction. She wasn't mean at all, in fact--she said "Sean, I wish you every good thing and deep flourishing! Take care of your precious self." She later added, "You're inspiring. Be nice to yourself. :)"

I'm sharing this, not in an effort to attack her, not at all. I believe she's 100% sincere and well intentioned. I'm sharing it because it had such a negative effect on me all day long. Why did I let this well intentioned advice get under my skin? I don't know.  What I do know is....

I'm at peace, more now than I've ever been in my entire 42 years. I feel a quiet and calm with food that I honestly thought was impossible for me to experience. I certainly don't feel like I'm under-eating at all. The only time I ever feel the slightest twinge of hunger is first thing in the morning, otherwise I'm perfectly comfortable. I eat three meals a day and anywhere from one to three snacks a day. When I workout I feel plenty of energy, like I feel my body getting stronger. The 1700 calorie budget seems to be serving me well. I had lost 25 pounds at my last weigh in (approximately 4 1/2 weeks worth-if my calculations are correct) and I understand that may seem like too much-too fast, but for someone with so much to lose I also know it's not uncommon for larger numbers up front. I feel exceptionally healthy. My sleep has also improved.

I'm the first to admit when I'm wrong, but everything about what I've been doing for almost two months feels so right for me.  Lord knows I'm not a dietitian, nutritionist, doctor or anyone else who knows better. I haven't studied the theories and nutrition books and websites or any of that stuff. I'm simply eating well. I'm eating better than I ever have in my entire life. I'm not binging and I'm 100% convinced that the nearly 100% abstinence from sugar has completely taken away the compulsions to binge. I'm not saying I'll never have them again, but for now, they're virtually non-existent. It's a beautiful peace, my friends.

I was stressing all day long, second guessing, frustrated--in a foul mood...and it didn't help that it was a long day at work. When I feel so right and good, I can't accept that what I'm doing is all wrong and bad. I called a support friend and professional late tonight for an impromptu session and she asked, "Why would you allow anyone to steal your serenity?" Good question.

I don't proclaim to have all the answers. I do not proclaim to be an expert. I'm just a guy who is doing the best I can. I'm taking good care of myself for a change. I want to live and experience life at a healthy weight. I'm tired of obesity. And for me, it seems my body naturally gravitates toward higher weights, especially if I do nothing. I'm very aware that for me, maintaining a healthy weight will require a diligent practice the rest of my life. And I'm finally at peace with that truth.

If this days worth of food doesn't look sufficient, it certainly feels so.

Breakfast



Snack



Lunch



Snack #2



Dinner



Snack #3



Perhaps my perspective will change someday, I'll get into lifting weights and I'll consume twice as many calories per day while training. But for now, this seems to be working well considering my level of activity.

It's interesting and somewhat of a coincidence that I actually went over my 1700 calorie budget today for the first time in nearly 50 days. I was adding my dinner into MyFitnessPal when I discovered a 50 calorie overage. Instead of immediately being consumed with panic and negative emotions, I calmly declared that it would likely end up about 150 over because I planned on some fruit while writing. I ended the day at 1,854.

I still felt a little tiny, itty bitty twinge of guilt for "breaking the bank," so to speak, but I didn't react irrationally, going off the deep end. It is what it is. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. And that's all I have to say about that. Breaking the bank was actually good for my psyche. I did it and I handled it with love and compassion for myself. It's not a big deal and it doesn't mean I failed today. I did not fail today. Not at all.

Oh yeah--I didn't exercise today either. I gave myself permission to take a day off. My resolve is strong. My head is on straight. And I will proceed beautifully...Wonderfully right or pleasantly wrong.  My "perfection" is imperfection.

There were so many insightful and golden comments on yesterday's post. Thank you to everyone who added their thoughts and shared their experiences. I didn't have time to reply to each today, but I plan on going back tomorrow sometime and catching up.

My food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--username SeanAAnderson. My Twitter feed features pictures of everything I eat with calorie counts. These are tools of accountability for me.  A friend asked me if I was okay this evening and if I was feeling like a binge, and I replied--"If I do, you'll see it on my Twitter."

I feel fine.

Thank you for reading and your support. I likely have one less friend in the UK after this post, I hope not--I mean, she meant well--she just didn't know how her words would effect me. BUT I seriously need to get over the idea that I can somehow be pleasing to everybody. That's a lifelong thing for me--always wanting to be liked and loved...and sacrificing whatever to get it... even when it meant sacrificing what I believed in or what was best for me. NO MORE.  There are people who don't like me and that's okay!! In fact, you may be reading this now thinking-- man, I can't stand this guy... Good for you!! Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

As far as my tendency to be a people pleaser, I know what my straight talking fellow blogging friend Christine at "A Deliberate Life" would say, "CUT THAT SH*T OUT!" Except she wouldn't use an asterisk.

Goodnight,
Strength,
Sean

Sunday, June 1, 2014

June 1st, 2014 Flipping Perspective

June 1st, 2014 Flipping Perspective

One thing I didn't write last night and I probably didn't because I've said it so many times, but it's worth repeating: I'm not an expert. I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to know all of the answers. I'm just a guy living it, experiencing it and doing my best to articulate it. And I'll always be in learning mode. As soon as we declare we've got it all figured out and there's no need to learn another thing about this journey many of us share--that's when we're at the greatest risk of being humbled, and quickly. I've been there, my friend.

I'm so grateful for the tremendous support system this blog and other social media provides. When someone tells me they're going to start blogging, I encourage them 100% and I tell them, always make sure you're doing it for you. This is important. First thing is, it's for you.  It's a powerful tool in understanding ourselves better--to write, to journal--to get it out of our head and on virtual paper, so we can see it instead of only imagining it. Images and ideas in our mind flicker and easily get replaced by whatever is distracting our attention. By writing it out, you're transforming your thoughts into something you can study in an easier way. When you share these thoughts of yours and we read it and relate--a powerful connection happens and we discover we're not alone. You helping yourself sort things out, ends up helping others sort theirs too.  But never lose sight of the ultimate purpose of your writings, to help you. If you have a blog and it isn't on my list, please leave a link in the comments so I can stop by yours too.

I stayed up super late writing last night. It was worth it for me to get yesterday's post out of my head. And it isn't finished either--I'm still going over it in my mind and putting things into practice. I slept in today, then prepared a nice brunch. I caught up on some emails and messages and I took some time to relax and meditate. Shifting my perspective from a negative to a positive has not been easy at all. After experiencing all I enjoyed at a healthy weight and then going back up the scale and sacrificing certain freedoms along the way, I was in a very negative frame of mind. Flipping that perspective into a bright and positive outlook has been an amazing experience. I'm grateful.

I made the 42 mile trip South this afternoon to visit mom and prepare a nice dinner for two. When I visit mom, it's usually a given we're going out to eat. Not today. Mom helped me in the kitchen too--and this experience was more memorable and meaningful to me than any restaurant visit. Mom was fascinated with the precise measuring and weighing of ingredients. We prepared lean ground turkey and bean tostadas with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and pink sauce (light sour cream and salsa mixture). We prepared two each with a side of pineapple and mango. The picture of this meal, along with anything and everything else I eat is on my Twitter food and exercise feed. Mom was amazed that this big, filling, deliciously satisfying meal checked in at 463 calories! I'm very blessed to have such an amazing mom.

We visited the cemetery after dinner to take some flowers to my brother Shane's grave. It's difficult to think it's been 13 years since his passing. Grandma and grandpa are right next to him too. It was a good visit to Sunset Memorial Gardens.

We enjoyed a coffee and conversation before I returned her home and headed for the lake for a 5K walk.
I had just started my walk when a severe thunderstorm watch was issued for North Central Oklahoma. I immediately contacted a co-worker who took care of getting the watch announcements on the air.  The goal was to get in my 5K walk, then drive back in time to cover storms on the air.  I was a little over a mile in when I got the call that the line was very organized and moving East/Southeast at 40 mph directly for our station's listening area. I had some time but not enough to finish this 5K. I could either try to run the rest of the 5K or turn around and walk at a quickened pace back to the car. I decided to turn around the way I came.  I did jog a little bit, maybe a minute? I did it long enough to realize I'm not there yet. I'm not quite ready for running. And that's okay.

I got back to the car and immediately headed North for my 42 mile race against Mother Nature. I beat her by 3 minutes. The first warning for Grant County was issued three minutes after I arrived.

I've talked a lot lately about getting a handle on my schedule and getting to bed at a decent time. But this is one part of my job that is always unpredictable. We cover weather 24/7. So we're always on call. It's almost 1:30am and I've got to be back here for my morning show at 6am.  I will adjust and do the best I can. I must remember to have some understanding and compassion for myself. I will likely work a split tomorrow, allowing for a long midday nap to make up for the sleep deficit tonight.

It's been a great day. I'm incredibly excited about it being June. I blogged every single day of May and to me that's a big deal! June 11th is my next weigh day and I can already tell I've lost weight. I have no idea how much...but I can feel it and see it. I've resisted taking a sneak peek. I don't own a scale at home--but it's right there at the YMCA, staring at me while I workout. And mom has a nice scale in her bathroom. But I'm a big believer in not weighing too often because of how it can affect our emotions, especially when we don't see a number we feel is fair.  Every three weeks is good for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, May 30, 2014

May 30th, 2014 A Personal Lifetime Record

May 30th, 2014 A Personal Lifetime Record

The incredibly long nap last night kept me awake until after 2am.  At 4:30am I was back up getting ready for work. Lucky for me, I was able to split the day and come home for a much needed nap before going back to finish the day. I needed it.

I was very efficient upon leaving the studio. I ran a couple of errands and then it was straight to the YMCA for a date with the elliptical. After an incredibly intense workout, I enjoyed Hawaiian Fajitas at a little Mexican restaurant not far from the Y and now I'm poised to go to bed relatively early on a Friday night!

The restaurant meal was planned and I was on target with exactly what I wanted and didn't want. I had a fairly good sized breakfast and lunch today, so the plan was to keep dinner under 500 calories and leave some room in the Calorie Bank for some fruit while writing this post. I avoided the chips, no guacamole (mine is better) and no beans and rice. I asked for corn tortillas instead of the usual flour they serve. With a small amount of steak, chicken, pineapple and shrimp in each one and a tiny smear of sour cream on each it was mission accomplished. And it was delicious.

I browsed the older tweets on my food and exercise Twitter feed before this planned dinner out in order to determine how long it had been without a restaurant meal. Twelve days. The last meal out was on the 18th with mom in Stillwater. After much thought and consideration, I believe this is a personal lifetime record! Twelve days without some kind of meal out?? That's not like me at all. But I like it. I like it a lot.

I've given much thought to this dramatic change in me. Struggle has been replaced with peace and calm. Confusion and frustration has been replaced by a degree of clarity I've never known. And this has me thinking on some deeper levels. At some point in the next few nights, I'd love to share with you some of my thoughts on this switch in direction. How does it happen? When does it happen? What elements collide to suddenly transform the mind and behavior? It's fascinating to me. When something fascinates me, it's hard to let it go until I unravel it and figure it out the best I can. I may not always be right and the conclusion might be one specific to my set of circumstances. However, the most remarkable thing to me is how many of us seem to relate on numerous nearly identical levels despite having different life circumstances.

I'm calling it a night. I've had my #lastfoodofday and I'm tired. I'm not setting an alarm tonight. A good long rest is what I need and I'm going to get it.

Thank you for reading.
Strength,
Sean

Thursday, May 29, 2014

May 29th, 2014 It's About Time

May 29th, 2014 It's About Time

Last night I discussed time management issues and today I did okay until I decided a nap at 4pm was a good idea. In hindsight I should have pulled myself together, grabbed some fruit and hit the door for the Y.  I was tired today. Not because I didn't sleep well, because I didn't get enough. It's sometimes difficult to "listen" to my body because with all of the sleep issues over the last three years, my body constantly thinks sleep is the best choice in almost any situation.

I set the alarm for 5:15pm. The plan was simple and good. Up at 5:15, shoes on and to the YMCA for a workout--stop by Irene's house where my daughters and Noah were having a dinner get together for some quality visiting time--grab some Hawaiian Fajitas from the little Mexican place across town--help a friend with uploading pictures to their facebook page--write--then bed no later than 10pm. That was the plan.

But the nap was good.  It was so good, in fact, I slept soundly through my alarm at 5:15. And with the phone literally less than a foot from my face, I slept through seven missed phone calls and ten text messages. This might have been my body trying to tell me something.  I just wish it could have waited until after the planned evening to go into such a deep and restful sleep.  I woke at 8:30pm after a 4.5 hour "nap," completely disoriented--having a quick panic attack thinking I had overslept for work, then realizing what had happened. I sat on the edge of the bed doing my routine post sleep self analysis.  Wow, that was deep and amazing. I immediately recognized this feeling of fantastic--the feeling of good, healthy, solid sleep. On one hand I was in awe of how wonderful I felt physically and on the other I was completely upset with myself for allowing it to happen off schedule, so to speak.

I gathered my thoughts and decided to make it to the YMCA for a good workout on the killer elliptical (name I've given it), then straight home to cook something for dinner. Then I realized I needed some groceries. Hmmmm... Okay, revised plan--workout, groceries, home and cooking followed by writing then back to bed.

I ate dinner at 11:30pm.  I combined my dinner with my last snack--the calories were a little pricey at 749 total--but it was within my budget and it served as my #lastfoodofday. And it was quality. I whipped up some homemade guacamole using a small avocado, onions, tomatoes, ground black pepper and a serving of lite sour cream.  I made a 4 oz lean hamburger patty, put it on a 100 calorie sandwich thin and topped it with a slice of mozzarella and some of the guacamole. I added a pear and a serving of all natural brown rice chips.
The brown rice chips thing is a test. I wanted something to dip into my homemade guacamole. It was the only bag I could find that didn't contain sugar of some sort. The all natural sweet potato chips I wanted contain cane sugar. Now, the test is--can I have a "bag" of anything like this in my apartment and maintain sanity and portion control?  Stay tuned! 

I called all of the people who had been expecting me this evening and apologized for my absence. Everyone understood. I made sure to talk to Amber and Courtney and Amber even put the phone up to little Noah's ear. She told me he smiled big upon hearing my voice. That made me feel better.

I realized tonight how I've drastically cut down on eating out. I would have to go through my Twitter feed and count to be sure--but I know for certain it's been more than a week. I'm having a bunch of fun planning and preparing my meals, so I guess I haven't missed it really. I had planned on eating out tonight with those amazing Hawaiian Fajitas--and despite my revised schedule and plan to cook, I tried to grab them after my workout. When I pulled up to the restaurant at 9:55pm, it was obvious they were already closed. Maybe sometime over the weekend. It was back to my revised plan.

What am I going to do about my schedule? It's a struggle for sure. The elements involved are very important to me and my recovery. As upset as I was with myself, I did stop it before I started being abusive to myself. That's a major plus. I didn't dwell on it too long or allow it to influence me into making some bad choices in a rush. I could have grabbed a Subway sandwich, skipped the workout, finished blog and then dropped in bed trying to force myself back to sleep. But I knew better and wanted better for myself, despite the circumstances.

I'm proud of the way I handled this situation. I didn't let it negatively affect my resolve and that's serious progress. It still leaves me in a position to evaluate and correct my time management plan. But as a supportive friend said after reading my live-tweets through it all-- Rome wasn't built in a day. I've experienced a dramatic turnabout in the last 6 weeks. It's been a wonderful blessing and answer to a prayer, or many prayers actually. I've had life altering epiphanies that have had and continue to have positive deep seeded behavior changing effects. I'm happy. I'm sometimes burning the candle at both ends and struggling to define some self imposed boundaries to correct the sleep schedule--but I'm making it an important focus and most importantly, I'm not giving up in any way, shape or form.

Follow my Twitter feed for "in the moment" live tweeting of food and exercise each day. I also use the twitter feed to occasionally flex my sense of humor. It's fun! @SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, May 16, 2014

May 16th, 2014 A Nice Long Day

May 16th, 2014 A Nice Long Day

Last night's blog was good for me. I couldn't get it off my mind today. And every time I thought about the exploration of it, I smiled. It felt phenomenal to process, understand and write.  It was a breakthrough in my thinking and I can tell, this will have a profound effect on me for the rest of my life. I can't look at myself the same anymore, not even if I tried.

This was a long day. I just finished dinner and it's 11:26pm.  My day started before 6am. I was broadcasting from the Titan FC 28 event held at a casino tonight.  I've never thrown a punch in my entire life, so naturally me attending and broadcasting from an event like this took a considerable amount of forced enthusiasm. Plenty of people LOVE the MMA fights and to that I say, what's wrong with those people? I'm kidding. But seriously, I become very uncomfortable watching people beat each other senseless. I feel for the guy against the mat, being held down and pounded. If I'm rooting for anyone, it's that guy. Get up, breathe--you can do it--survive!!! I didn't stay for all of it--the main event part of it. Just not my thing, I suppose.

I did get to interview Johhny Hendricks, the UFC Welterweight Champion of The World!! He was much smaller than I imagined, but solid. And he was as nice as he could be. I know next to nothing about his sport, so I kept the questions generic and easy.  "Johhny, after being a four year All-American wrestler in college (yes, I did some homework), you transitioned to MMA and now you're a world champion. How do you make it look so easy?"  In case you're keeping score--I stated three facts and followed with a softball question...he hit it out of the park. Had I done a little more homework i would have asked him about training or defending his title... Nah...I'm not a radio MMA reporter, I'm a morning radio personality. I'll leave the real interviews to those involved in the sports world. I wanted to ask him if we could take a selfie together with him holding his fist to my face but I decided that would be a tad bit unprofessional. Besides, as friendly as he was, there's still a seriousness about him, an intensity and I didn't want to risk upsetting him--I mean, if you're going to upset someone, a professional fighter isn't the best choice.

The VIP meet and greet with Johhny was stocked with plenty of food and drink. And I failed to plan properly, meaning I didn't bring any snack baggies of fruit.  I didn't want to eat dinner there. I wanted dinner on my own terms, so I made the decision to eat a few pieces of the fruit from the big spread and patiently wait until I could get home and cook something nice.

In this same scenario, time and time again--I've forfeited control and just thought, oh well--I'm here, I'm hungry--let's see what we can do. But I feel different now.  It's hard to explain--but it's thrilling, I'll tell you that!! To be exposed to a big spread of food--free food at that--and simply grab a few pieces of fruit, waiting until later, I'm patting myself on the back and feeling awesome.

I didn't finish in time to get into the YMCA and when I left the venue it was 48 degrees with a steady cold rain.  So, I've decided to forego the workout tonight and be okay with it.  I'll be hitting the Y again tomorrow.

I stopped at Walgreen's on the way home to pick up some trash bags.  I cannot count the number of times over the last year and a half that I've walked in that store and walked out with a whole bunch of binge calories.  Cereal, ice cream, cookies and milk, chips, candy bars--and sometimes more than one from this list...and all of it was there tonight.  And so was I.  I left Walgreen's with trash bags. That's it.  And that's huge for me.

I made it home, sliced up some sweet potato and threw 'em in the oven. Wrapped some fish in foil and threw it in there too. Every bit of food, every single day--is photographed and tweeted with calorie counts.  It's an extreme accountability, but it's what I need and I'm loving it. I'd love you to follow me on Twitter, @SeanAAnderson I'm also keeping a food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

I'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend. I hope you are too!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good

May 13th, 2014 It's Time To Feel Good

The young man I wrote about in last night's blog did a fantastic job on the air this morning. Anyone who listened had to agree. He called at precisely 6:40am to the second and I went straight to air with his call. No pre-air chat prior and he handled it like a pro.  If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. I can't count how many people I've tried to interview, most of them about their own business--and they can't do it. The thought of broadcasting live over the air and knowing people are listening is too much for some to handle. But not this young man, not this morning. He was on. And he was awesome.

By the way, if you're not local to me and you want to listen to my morning show, you can online and even on your smart phone.  The phone app is called FreeStreams...download it, then search for 100.7FM KPNC. On your PC or Tablet, visit www.poncacitynow.com and click the "listen live" drop down menu, then select KPNC.  I should have included that in last night's post.

The way I've felt lately reminds me of the very early days of this blog. The level of determination to reclaim my healthiest weight is very much iron clad.  What's great about this time around is understanding myself so much better than before.

I'm also of the mindset, I'd like to have a do-over on being at a healthy weight. I wasn't equipped to properly handle it before. I was dealing with so many new experiences and emotions I didn't expect while I was living at goal.  In some ways, I felt like a stranger to myself. When I started to regain, it was almost like an attempt to get back to the place where I was most comfortable emotionally. Not physically, of course, but emotionally.  Anyone who's lost a "looks like a completely different person" amount of weight knows what I'm talking about when I say it felt strange to look in the mirror or at pictures...is that really me? I don't see myself like that when I close my eyes. I don't remember having a dream where I was at a healthy weight. I was still a morbidly obese person in my dreams.  It was as if my brain was rejecting the new me. This isn't an excuse of any kind, it's simply an interesting dynamic. I quickly realized all of my problems didn't magically go away because I was physically different at 230 pounds. I was so disappointed.  I often talked and wrote about this other work involved, but clearly I was hoping it would be far less work.

What it says to me is this: The inside work is just as crucial as the food and exercise. And ultimately, the inside work will not be denied. If it's ignored, it will assert itself in whatever way it needs to get the attention and care it demands and rightly deserves. Failed relationships? Did it. Self-destructive behaviors? Yep. Gaining back over half the weight I lost despite having so many wonderful reasons to take the best care? Of course.

The goal now is a more balanced approach. It's an approach where I pay just as much attention to what I need emotionally and spiritually, as I do to what I need physically. I want to speak to a group someday, just as Phil Werdell did last week, and talk about my 27 years of recovery and maintenance. Or as Gerri does all over the world with her 21 years of maintenance.

What's the best thing about feeling the way I do right now, today? It's discovering that the horribly hopeless thoughts I had while in free fall were all lies. It ISN'T impossible to reclaim the resolve and peace we once enjoyed. I know how it feels to be so out of control, in such a cold dark place---where thought after thought is diametrically opposed to what's better and you feel compelled, like your choices are not your own, as if you're possessed and being taken for a ride you'd rather not take...but you can't get it to stop. Or so it seems. If that's where you are, please believe me--it's not what it seems. There is hope. Don't give up, okay?? Please don't.

The truth is, you may not be a food addict. Seriously! You may be an emotional/stress eater, but not a food addict. Or maybe you're both, like me. If you want to get a better idea, visit foodaddiction.com where you'll find some key questions to ask yourself, questions that can help you have a better understanding one way or the other.

My Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today.  I had a craving for chili dogs yesterday so I grabbed some 98% fat free turkey dogs, some turkey chili and some swiss, among several other things. I put together a couple of Turkey Swiss Chili Dogs for dinner tonight--and oh wow, only 190 calories each.  It'll be a long while before I want those again, but I'll claim a victory in finding a way to change the errant, once in a blue moon chili dog thought, into something I could easily fit into my budget. I also cut up a small sweet potato and baked 'em into homemade sweet potato fries.  The pictures are all on my Twitter feed.

I had a good, sweaty, wonderful workout on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA tonight. Thank you Katrina and The Waves for the boost. I agree, it's time to feel good.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Saturday, May 10, 2014

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning.  It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon.  I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me.  It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day.  Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.

My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three.  What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain.  After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today.  A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right.  I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller.  I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.

It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success.  I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be.  It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day.  When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour.  My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment.  And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.

I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey.  I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey.  See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson

I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today.  I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk.  I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits.  I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me.  Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.

I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles.  I might need to consider a new pair of shoes.  The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up.  This could be interesting.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, May 9, 2014

May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me

May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me

I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain.  When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.

I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction.  I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did.  I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point.  When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."

My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast.  Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right.  It sets the tone for me.  I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about.  It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.

Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group.  He shared many things I needed to hear.  One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance.  It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.

The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort.  It's a shift in perspective.  When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair???  You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff.  Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying.  But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.

The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze!  My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way.  And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose. 

I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA.  I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.

I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment.  Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.

The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today.  If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson.  Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully.  And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Thursday, May 8, 2014

May 8th, 2014 Panic!

May 8th, 2014 Panic!

Today was a good day, although a little more challenging.  It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.

I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.

This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd.  I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all.  I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give.  I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be.  So I said yes.

I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion.  And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage.  Then I started having a panic attack.  I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days.  I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...

After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight.  I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...

As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan.  They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music.  Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"

Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.

Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there.  I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script.  I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra. 

I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.

I finished and immediately left the venue.  I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting.  Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night.  My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling.  I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.

The road back seems much harder than the initial trip.  But I'm loving it and learning through it.  And I'm going to make it just fine.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean    

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day

May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day

Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional.  I woke up feeling rested.  I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.

I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...

"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"

I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show.  I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff.  I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long.  Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good.  So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.

I must stop right here.

You see...

I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year.  I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay.  But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain.  And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma.  It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building.  I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.

I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see.  If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too.  Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe.  In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves.  And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?

Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"

Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."

Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"

Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."

Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"

Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."

Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."

That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.

Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.

I checked in and went straight for the locker room.  I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me.  I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.

I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How??  My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.

The songs were speaking to me...

OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."

DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."

Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."

"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me.  It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."

I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride.  It's beyond description.

What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice.  And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five.  As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!

I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world.  Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom.  It was good. 

Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully.  You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505  The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

The radio alarm clock hit 4:30am and blasted Billy Joel throughout my apartment so loud, I can't imagine the neighbors didn't hear. I've asked the two likeliest recipients of this early morning concert if they ever hear anything and they say they haven't heard a thing. Turning the volume level "all the way to 11" has been a regular thing for me my entire life.  And when my body stops fighting the rest and finally goes deep, I need all the decibels I can get to wake. I've slept through an hour of music several times before my alarm clock gives up on me, shutting itself off.  This morning?  I opened my eyes and listened to Billy play and sing so perfectly. Like a scientist assessing results of an experiment, I stayed still, eyes open staring at the wall and pondering the idea of adding learning to play the piano to my list of dreams. That's good because my first thought wasn't, oh my goodness, Lord help me make it through today...my first thought was who teaches piano around here and how much does it cost?  

I jumped up, turned down the volume and looked in the mirror.  I had the new mask on tight, real tight and the proof was in the red markings on the bridge of my nose and forehead.  My eyes felt better, my head not bad and my body didn't feel horrible at all. All of these positives were proof that this new mask made a difference.  It wasn't easy to get comfortable enough to go to sleep, but when I did, I did sleep. I felt rested. Adjusting to this new full face mask is kind of like trying to go to sleep while opening your mouth directly in front of a high powered fan.  If we could get a video camera inside the mask, I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch.  Eventually I fell into the rhythm of the assisted breathing and slept better than I have in a long while. Of course the more solid proof would be found in how I felt throughout the day.

I had a full day, without a split shift--no nap, not a wink and I was a production machine. A colleague went home early, taking a half day vacation, so I took care of what needed to be done.  And I did it without any trouble, not a bit. This was so good.  I'm so happy, finally--some relief!!

I packed breakfast, fresh fruit snacks and lunch supplies this morning.  Making sure I'm prepared makes keeping the budget in tact much easier.  When lunch rolled around, I was offered a Subway sandwich instead of my planned food and it worked well.  I powered through after lunch, getting more done and still feeling good as I pushed into about an hour of overtime.  My plan wasn't a late afternoon nap.  My plan was to go clothes shopping.  And that sucked.

As much as I hate to spend money on bigger clothes, it's a must. Our expected high on Tuesday is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't keep wearing a cold weather getup.  I have an entire closet full of small clothes just waiting for their triumphant return.  But this takes time and I'll be patient.  I'm headed back into that closet someday in the not too distant future.  It's okay.  And as I looked around for clothes in this temporarily bigger size, I had to keep reminding myself that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm making a wonderful comeback and this time with all the lessons learned along the way.  The more I asserted the positive, the more clothes I found that didn't fit.  It was like a tug of war between my positive thoughts and the reality of where I am.  And where I was, was the wrong store, obviously.

I remember opening an email from a Big and Tall store one time, shortly after hitting 230 pounds and replying to the email with "please take me off your list, I've lost 275 pounds and I no longer need your clothing."  A simple "take me off your list" would have worked, but I was proud and I wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be needing their insanely overpriced clothing.  Now I'm faced with the expensive task of heading to the Big and Tall store once again after I swore I'd never step foot in one again. And that's okay.  It's gotta be okay.  I need clothing. As much as it hurts to walk back in there and as much as my natural inclination is to beat myself up senselessly for it, I must let those emotions go and look at the other side of this deal.

I'm very lucky.  I'm very blessed.  And I have a very long gratitude list.  I've still kept off over 100 pounds of what I initially lost, so its not as unfortunate as it could have been. And I'm finally finding what certainly seems to be a solution to my sleep crisis. Things are looking up!! I'm writing everyday, I'm tracking my food and maintaining a calorie budget too.  I'm feeling like I've returned to a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually where I'm confident I'm headed in the direction I need.  And I'm the 42 year old grandfather of the cutest little 10 month old on the planet. God willing, I've got a whole lot of good life ahead of me. Buying a few clothing items to get me through as I lose more weight really isn't anything to be down about at all.  I'm grateful I have the opportunity to learn and grow from here.

After a good dinner and a wonderful almost two mile walk, I'm ready to hit the pillow.  And I'm looking forward to the experience as I rediscover better rest. My calorie budget is a little bit under target and that's okay tonight.

You're invited to take a peek at my food pictures on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson
And you'll find my food and exercise diary logged on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean





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