Showing posts with label grateful perspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grateful perspective. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

August 13th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

August 13th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

My identity and self worth does not increase with weight loss and it doesn't decrease with weight gain. No matter what the scale says, I'm happy with who I am and what I'm about. And I am because I'm taking extraordinary care and my commitment will not waver. This was what I focused on this morning as I prepared for weigh day.

I was a little concerned going in especially after discovering the calorie burn discrepancy. I've been eating more intentionally because I sincerely thought I was burning more! It actually worked in my favor. All of those nights when I didn't get to my 1200 net after calories burned, I was actually making it there and beyond nearly every time. Considering I ignored this metabolism advice during my initial weight loss, opting to stay at 1500 calories per day regardless of my exercise and then I still hit my stated goal, made it even harder to open my mind enough to trust.

My goal is no longer a number. My perspective has changed dramatically. Now, my goal is to achieve a healthy weight, whatever that might be and along the way, take care of my body in ways foreign to my initial weight loss. My last weigh in was a 7 pound loss--so in my mind, I was fully prepared for a smaller loss. Considering the increased calories lately, I was preparing myself for consistency over speed. I was shocked when I stepped on the doctor's office scales today and found:
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11 pounds down from last time! Actually, 11.2 from the 336.2 three weeks ago. I was stunned for a moment as I tried to remember my weight from last time. I was disoriented. I actually had to look for the last weigh day scale picture on my phone before confirming the statistics.

The doctor's office staff are really starting to get into this every three weeks. They were full of smiles and congrats today--and questions about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. It felt good.

It was mid-April when these same office staffers found me weighing my top regain weight of 394. I was incredibly miserable that day. Gaining back 164 pounds of a 275 pound weight loss was a hard thing to accept, even though we all know it could have been much worse. I could have gained it all back plus some, I mean really, that's usually how it works. And I was headed back there very quickly when I finally reached the point of enough. I remember being so relieved because I hadn't crossed back into the 400's.

I have a six month checkup appointment with my doctor on Monday and if his office staff hasn't told him about any of this progress, he's in for a big surprise.

Six months ago our appointment was about high blood pressure medicine, my sleep apnea and possibly considering some alternative methods of getting the weight off. I was a scared man in his office six months ago. Scared, disappointed, ashamed, guilty, sad and in some ways, "in hiding" from the person I wanted to be; the person I truly believed I was. Today, it goes without saying--I can't wait to see the doctor! I'm a very different person. And this difference has nothing to do with the 69 pound loss. I'm changed on so many other, much deeper levels.

I've lost 69 pounds in 16 weeks. I'm 95 pounds from my previous healthiest weight. I love that. But what I love even more is the truest and most profound self-love I've ever allowed. It's changed my life regardless of the number on the scale.

My plan was to do the spin and swim combo this evening, but when work duties called I cancelled the swimming. I strapped the heart monitor on before spinning class and ended with it registering a 437 calorie burn. This number is a little over half the 800 calories I thought I was burning . It's all good! I was able to stay just under my 1700 budget and still hit 1,245 net calories after calories burned. I love having an accurate number!

I couldn't be happier with my progress. It's very easy for me to conclude the weight gain was actually a blessing in disguise. Had I not gained so much of the weight I initially lost, I would have missed some critical elements I needed to learn. I'm open and willing to learning more and more.

My food tweets today:

 










Thank you for reading and your continued support. Join us in the comments section for further discussions!
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, August 2, 2014

August 2nd, 2014 Alive, Aware and Present

August 2nd, 2014 Alive, Aware and Present

I started the day by browsing through some of my archives and a few of my old "On The Go Videos" when I came across this one:

I'm going to do more of these "On The Go" videos. I had so much fun making those!
I was taken back to that day and all of the emotions experienced. It was tough and I wanted to quit several times--but I kept pushing, even when I slowed to a crawl, I refused to stop. Transforming feelings of defeat into positive feelings created through perseverance and triumph is what happens along this road when we choose to never give up. I'm so thankful I haven't given up. I came very close to throwing in the towel not too long ago and if you've read this blog regularly over the last three or four months, you know what I'm talking about. Now, those negative thoughts and feelings have transformed and I'm choosing a whole new perspective. It feels good to be so alive, aware and present.

My workout this afternoon at the YMCA was solid. I set the resistance to six, which is three times what it was when I re-started taking extraordinary care sixty-some pounds ago. This increased resistance makes me work hard to get the same time. I had to raise it because the initial setting was becoming much too easy. Remember when I first walked back into the Y? I seriously wanted to stop after five minutes. Not anymore.

I spent some time tonight with a friend, enjoyed a different kind of dinner (see Tweet below) and watched a live stand-up comedy show for the first time in a very long time. It's hard to watch stand-up performances as a "civilian." My brain watches it differently, looking for structure, audience/performer chemistry, delivery techniques and other technical things--and of course I'm mentally writing tag lines. It made me want to do stand up again. I've decided to do a stand-up show, possibly next Spring--with all proceeds going to charity, likely the local domestic violence shelter. We could call it "Stand-Up Against Domestic Violence." This isn't the first thought in this direction, I've actually ran it by the theatre director where our studios are located and he was very supportive of the idea. I don't plan on jumping back in full force like I once did--but somehow I must find a way to workout this side of me.

I'm struggling with getting enough calories to take me to at least 1200 net after exercise burn. I was 159 short today. I'm still trying to adjust to the idea of eat more-lose more. It's a very tough dynamic for someone like me to embrace.

My food today was very good:










Thank you for reading and your support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

I really feel like I'm into a solid groove these days. I've found a balance. I've had more than 80 days without eating straight sugar, I've written eighty-four consecutive daily blog posts, I'm approaching 100 days binge free, I've exercised regularly and I'm eating better than I have in my entire life. I must pause occasionally and express incredible gratitude for this dramatic turnaround. I say a prayer every day that this balance maintains and everyday it feels like it's here forever. Yet, I know better than to ever settle or relax my stance with an attitude of "I got this."

I was in a very dark place with all of this not too long before and on more than one occasion entertained the thought that I should possibly just let it all go. The weight, my health, my hopes and dreams--all of it, just let it go. I gave it serious thought. Delete the blog, get off Facebook and convince Amazon and every other book seller to stop selling my book. I was losing the fight and about to throw in the towel...but I couldn't do it. I kept getting messages from people, some just discovering my book and/or blog--and the messages were overwhelmingly positive about how my story was helping them with theirs. When an in-patient food addiction treatment center replied to my inquiry about rates and a possible stay, I grew even more depressed. It was going to cost $14,000 for a 30 day stay. I couldn't afford it, but I couldn't afford to stay out of control, unless I was willing to let it all go.

People would still love me, my kids, my mom--family and friends, they would hurt for me, but their love and support would never go away. Perhaps I wanted too much, to be free? Maybe living at a healthy weight wasn't meant to be? Simply not caring would possibly be easier, I thought, but I was wrong. Not caring would be easier in the day to day actions but impossible for me to accept in the bigger picture.

What was most damaging to my psyche was the misalignment between my actions and the public persona I felt I needed to maintain during my deepest and darkest struggles. I wouldn't allow myself a shred of self-compassion over this, brutalizing myself constantly with negative thoughts and actions. Through it all, surprisingly, I never lost the ability to genuinely encourage, support and give fantastic advice to others, but at the same time, finding my balance personally felt a million miles away.

To be where I am today is miraculous to me. It's been a very quick turnaround complete with epiphanies that will forever affect my life in positive ways. My hopes and dreams are alive and well. I'm comfortably on my way back to my healthiest weight. And most importantly, I've learned valuable lessons I needed to experience in order to live my best life, for the rest of my life. I'm still learning. Had I never faced the struggle of the regain and all of the emotions and negative energy in that direction, I wouldn't have felt as prepared as I feel I am today.

I didn't give up. I almost did. But I didn't. I could have closed the curtain on that deal a long time ago, but I was constantly being shown the light peeking through, calling me toward it. I have so many blessings to be thankful for these days. There's always light. Even on the darkest day the sun is shining on the other side.

My spinning class today was only 45 minutes instead of an hour like I thought. When the instructor said "seven more minutes," I felt such a relief. The spinning classes are some serious work, especially at this weight. I feel good after. Making it all the way to the end of the class leaves me with an incredible sense of accomplishment. I plan on continuing with spinning every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

I visited Courtney and Noah after my workout. Noah and I played with my phone and had a wonderful time before his dinner time. He's eating regular food now and he's naturally doing very well with the transition from formula and baby food. His smile fills me with an indescribable joy.

I stopped by Amber's apartment on my way to dinner for a quick visit. She updated me on her preparations for her new job as an elementary special education teacher. She's excited and I'm thrilled and excited for her too!

I decided to have some fajitas out instead of cooking tonight. I have a few solid strategies for getting in and out of the restaurant within my calorie budget. I employed them tonight with much success. Details in the tweets below.

Good food day!












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

July 15th, 2014 Not So Impossible After All

July 15th, 2014 Not So Impossible After All

Embracing a flipped perspective like I did yesterday made today even better. Everything seemed to go as planned, even the not so desirable things, like needing four, yes--four new tires and a four wheel alignment, didn't seem to be as bad as they should have been. My grateful perspective overpowered whatever negative I could have pulled from the circumstances.

My food has been wonderful today. I utilized the Three P's, planning, preparing and packing my way to another successful food day. The most wonderful thing about this is, it's not a chore--it's a pleasure. I'm honoring me by taking extraordinary care. I'm taking pride in my commitment to good choices. And something interesting--I'm making it a source of fun and creativity. When I whip up something in the kitchen, I'm often relying on my creativity. I've never been one to use recipes. Sometimes it fails horribly (remember my attempt to "bake and fake" fried mushrooms a couple of months ago?) but most times it turns out to be something I take great pride and care in creating and enjoying.

I've always been a fast eater. I read a study once about food addicts and one of the findings was how most food addicts in the cycle of active addiction eat really fast. Yes, that was me--and has been me for years. Even when there wasn't a reason to hurry, I would often be the first one finished. This hurried eating, as if the food would be taken away if not consumed quickly, continued even as I started losing weight and eating within a set calorie budget. I've slowed down considerably since I started logging everything in MyFitnessPal, taking a photo and composing a meal description and calorie count Tweet in 140 characters or less (that takes some talent sometimes). Slowing down has allowed me to enjoy the process and experience. I no longer dread cooking something that takes a little more time to prepare. I'm not hurried when it comes to food preparation. I've chosen a different attitude: I'm creating something wonderful, especially for me. Because I'm worth the effort. 

Today was the day I've been talking about: The day I made my triumphant return to the spin studio. Okay--you know what? Let's not use the term triumphant. Yeah-- I mean, it was good, don't get me wrong--but it was tough, very tough. I weigh at least 50 pounds more than when I started spin class during my initial weight loss and slightly more than a hundred pounds heavier than when I rocked the spin class at my healthiest and lowest weight. I knew getting back in there would be a challenge and it was, but not too much. It proved to me that I can do it, even at this higher weight. My backside didn't seem to mind the tiny seat, as if it had muscle memory from all of the spin classes I did back in the day. It wasn't an issue like it seemed to be when I initially started spinning some four years ago. It was an intense workout, as expected--easily the best workout I've experienced lately. Today's class was an intense 30 minutes. Tomorrow afternoon's class will be an hour, but perhaps less intense. The spin class schedule only works for me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. That's the plan. Spin class three times a week and elliptical other days. At least this works for me right now. I'll revisit this plan often and make modifications along the way. I have a giant strength training machine in my spare bedroom and I must get in there and see what it's all about. All in time, all in time.

Life Coach Gerri Helms and I had a wonderful weight loss support group conference call tonight. Occasionally (actually quite often) Gerri challenges me to think long and hard about certain elements I would like to enhance along this road. The biggest thing standing out for me at this point is time management and getting enough sleep. I mentioned how I struggled with getting enough sleep. That's when she challenged me to re-frame this point. How could I turn struggle into harmony? There was a little silence on the line as I contemplated the challenge. Then, suddenly it occurred to me--the solution to bring my actions into harmonious existence with my truest desires. The answer was: Instead of focusing on trying to solve the bigger issue of getting to bed earlier, I needed to focus on the smaller choices I make leading up to my evening. What can I do differently to position myself in a way that is helpful to attaining this goal? I can make sure I get my workouts in earlier, prepare dinner earlier--not wait until late to write this blog, after all--sometimes inspiration happens in the middle of the day, why not seize the moments I can to start a post, instead of book marking the thoughts for a late night writing session? The struggle doesn't need to be focused on "how do I get to bed earlier?" My focus should be "What small, positive steps can I take earlier in the day that will ultimately make getting to bed at a reasonable time easier?" If you think about it, isn't this the way we accomplish all seemingly impossible things? Suddenly we discover they're not so impossible after all.

There will be late nights again, I'm sure. Weekends and unexpected late night work related duties happen from time to time. But most of the time they don't. I must seize most of the time.

I received my total non-fasting cholesterol reading in the mail today. It's one of the many benefits of being a regular blood donor. The picture tweet is below after today's meal Tweets:








Both my blood pressure and total non-fasting cholesterol was categorized as "desirable" according to the Oklahoma Blood Institute. Yes, indeed. I couldn't be happier with these numbers.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, July 14, 2014

July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

July 14th, 2014 Not Exactly What I Planned

I'm usually well prepared. I woke up this morning to not a single egg in the fridge. I enjoy starting my day with eggs of some kind and fruit. My breakfasts are nearly the same most mornings, with slight variations. If it's an omelet, what's inside might change. The eggs seem to keep me satisfied longer. My back up plan this morning was steel cut oats with diced apple and cinnamon. It was good, but not exactly what I planned. And that seemed to be the theme of the day.

It was mid-morning when I realized I was out of lunch items in the employee fridge, so I ran home and prepared a good lunch. On the way back I had a front end blowout just as I was pulling into a parking space at the downtown studios. My back up plan was the station remote vehicle because I couldn't use my spare. I called the tire place and made arrangements to get my car fixed tomorrow. This wasn't exactly what I planned.

I was very tired by the time I got home mid-afternoon. I decided a good nap before spinning class was a great idea. I had been looking forward to spinning class all day long, even though it will likely be the toughest workout I've endured to date. I'm genuinely excited to climb back on the cycle because I know what it does to my body. It's good. I set my excessively loud radio alarm clock for 4pm. This would be a solid hour and fifteen minute nap. I turned on the NPR Fresh Air podcast and set the sleep timer for ten minutes. I don't think I lasted three minutes. I was out and sleeping deep, as sound as I possibly could. I was sleeping well. So much so, that when the alarm started blaring (loud enough to likely be heard in adjacent apartments), I didn't budge.

With the radio volume blaring as loud as it goes, filling my entire apartment with noise, Mother Nature decided to lend a hand with a big thunderstorm...still, I peacefully slept. When I finally opened my eyes at 5:08pm, I was disoriented and frantic. The alarm had automatically shut itself off after an hour of rockin' my pad and the thunderstorm was still rolling. The immediate urgency of the weather (which I should have been covering live in-studio) and the list of warning notifications on my phone had me frantically dialing a colleague, hoping and praying she was on the air in my place. And she was. Thank goodness. At 5:11pm I sat on the side of my bed and realized there wasn't any way I could make the 5:30 pm spinning class. Had I been awake, I still wouldn't have made it to the class because I would have been on the air covering this pop up thunderstorm. I decided to pull myself together and get into the YMCA for my regular elliptical workout. I grabbed some turkey and cheese for a pre-workout snack and headed out. It was good, but not exactly what I planned.

The entire day wasn't exactly what I had planned and yet it was still a great day. I had moments of frustration. I experienced potential temptation when a co-worker generously and innocently gave me a small Italian pastry she picked up from Starbucks (I re-gifted it to the break room where it's anyone's treat--anyone but me). I now know I must get new tires tomorrow--that's an unexpected expense--slightly stressful and I had genuine disappointment in missing the spinning class. And of course the incredible stress of waking up in the middle of an unexpected summer time thunderstorm when I was supposed to be in studio and on the air covering it, instead of sleeping through it. 

Through it all, I somehow maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, had a great workout on the elliptical and enjoyed a fantastic home cooked dinner before making my way to the store for a long overdue grocery shopping trip.

I'll have my favorite eggs in the morning. I'll get tires tomorrow. I'll climb aboard the spin cycle for an intense workout tomorrow (unless Mother Nature calls me into work). It's all good. And then, as a nice punctuation to an otherwise out of sync day, this happened:

As I made my way out of the YMCA a very nice lady spoke to me. I was still firmly in the grip of an 80's music party in my head, but I could tell she was speaking to me, so I removed an ear bud. She told me she reads my blog everyday and that she's proud of me. She said that what I do was inspiring to her. She expressed how she sincerely appreciates the decision to include the meal tweets in this daily blog because she doesn't do Twitter. She told me we had a mutual friend in Cathy at the hospital. She also said she's already lost 25 pounds. I congratulated her and thanked her for the kind words, then we wished each other well as we continued on toward the parking lot. An encounter like that lights me up like hardly anything else. It inspires me even more and reconfirms that what I'm doing is important, not just to me, but to others. And that's a feeling so good, it's hard to describe. I sat in the big station vehicle for a moment, turned off Billy Idol and gathered my thoughts. This was exactly the way my day needed to go. It was perfect, really. You see...

Having steel cut oats and fruit as a backup breakfast reminded me how fortunate I am to have good food ready to go. Having a blowout at 5 mph as I pulled into a parking space at work was a blessing. If that tire had decided to give way on Highway 177 last night, it could have resulted in a tragic accident. And if I hadn't over-slept my nap and the storm wouldn't have happened, I would have been in that spinning class today and I wouldn't have met the nice lady on my way out of the Y tonight. Oh--and I forgot to mention how I ran into Andy, the spin class instructor at the grocery store. I had a wonderful conversation with him about the class and weight loss. It was perfect and had my day been aligned differently, this delightful grocery store visit wouldn't have happened.

A good or bad day isn't necessarily dependent on the things that happen, it's decided by the perspective and attitude I choose. Today was a great day even though it wasn't exactly what I planned.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Today's meal tweets:






Bonus Tweet: The grocery shopping trip...



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Saturday, July 12, 2014

July 12th, 2014 Something Dramatic Changed

July 12th, 2014 Something Dramatic Changed

Planning, preparing and packing served me well today. I had a midday location broadcast until 2pm, so I made sure to pack a good lunch. It was an interesting broadcast day.

First, Ruth, A longtime listener stopped by the broadcast to register for the concert tickets we were giving away. She recalled taking my picture at an annual station event called Ladies Night Out. I was wearing a nice tuxedo in the October 2010 photo (same as the picture located on the left hand side bar of this blog). I don't think I've seen her since that night. Normally, I would have felt embarrassed at having an obvious weight gain in front of someone, anyone who hasn't laid eyes on me since my days around 230 pounds, but I didn't at all. We chatted for a few minutes, talked about her upcoming retirement, her sons pending nuptials and of course, we talked about weight loss, briefly. I mentioned how wonderful I feel now and how confident I am to once again be moving in the direction toward my healthiest weight.

Running into this regular listener brought back wonderful memories of how good it felt wearing that tuxedo at 232 pounds. I'll be honest, as good as it felt, it still wasn't as good as I feel today. That might sound strange considering I'm a little over 100 pounds from wearing that size tuxedo again, but it isn't strange to me. As soon as I started embracing the positive attributes and qualities in me and I stopped attaching my identity and self worth to a number on a scale or the size of my pants--something dramatic changed. And the perspective was shifted in an instant.

I love me regardless of my size. As I once again head toward my healthiest weight, I do it with the certainty of my self-worth and identity in tact the entire way. It's not something that magically appears when I reach a certain weight or fit into a sharp looking tuxedo.  My self worth and identity doesn't improve with weight loss and it doesn't diminish with weight gain. Keeping my focus and perspective in this most wonderful place has provided instant relief from any possible negative feelings developing in front of people I haven't seen in a long time. This is big-time growth for me. By the way, Ruth ended up having her entry drawn from the prize boot for a pair of concert tickets!

I was also visited by a doctor (not my regular doctor) during my broadcast. I've known this doctor for a few years and he's been supportive of what I do to a certain extent (although I know he doesn't "get me" completely.) Lately, he's losing weight too and feeling great. Good for him! I'm happy for his success! But this is where my enthusiasm stops. You see, he's turning what works for him into big business and he's been after me to join him in this effort. He knows full well I've avoided his calls and texts purposely because I'm not interested in touting the latest and "greatest" diet or whatever he's doing. He started laying on the pressure today for me to jump on board with his plan. For one, I was working, in the middle of a broadcast!!! I don't walk into his practice while he's with a patient and force feed him Joseph's Pitas and the latest pictures from my Twitter feed.

It was the wrong time, wrong place, wrong approach and wrong attitude! I said, "Look, I'm very happy doing what I do and I'm doing very well. I don't have time, nor do I want to consider doing what you're doing because what I'm doing is working for me." I was uncharacteristically direct, because this guy doesn't seem to understand subtle. Then, perhaps as a defense I suppose, I mentioned the time I invest in me--taking extraordinary care, eating better, exercising regularly and maintaining this blog and twitter feed on a daily basis. And that's when he said something that instantly turned me off. 

He came back with: (in reference to this blog) "How much money is that making you??" He's very lucky I'm a nice guy and I have peace of mind in my own certainty. He's also lucky that I have the ability to be compassionate toward his disturbingly affected perspective. In other words, I didn't take this exchange personally, it was all him. Still, he instantly lost my respect and attention. How much money do I make from my blog? What an enormously disrespectful question. I don't make money directly from this blog. What I do "make" is far more valuable than money. I'm making a life, helping myself and often times to my surprise and delight, helping others along the way. I'm "paid" handsomely in the form of clarity, perspective and tremendous support from all over the world. So, Doctor, if you're reading this, make a point to remember: I'm not interested in your "magic" weight loss remedy or becoming some kind of spokesperson and testimonial for your weight loss business. I wish you continued success and good health, but seriously--save yourself some time and energy and lose my number. 

I spent the evening with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time. We enjoyed  an awesome dinner and fantastic conversation. It was also a wonderful opportunity to try lamb chops for the first time. The meal was a little "pricey" in the calorie department, but in hindsight I could have pared it down quite easily. We dined on a very good meal and afterward I had a chance to try Shakeology for the first time. It was dessert. I only had enough calories remaining to have 1/3 serving, but wow--it was great! I'm seriously thinking about adding this nutrient dense food in an effort to bump up my calorie budget as my workouts become longer and more intense. I'm going to need more fuel for my body! This is also something new to my journey: Willingness to change up what I'm doing. For me, the only thing that I don't ever plan on changing and I pray I never do, is my abstinence from sugar. As addicted as I was to it, I'm getting very addicted to feeling good without it in my system. I'd rather feel good!

It's late, so I'll wrap this edition with my meal tweets of the day and hit the pillow!






Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, June 28, 2014

June 28th, 2014 Outside Food: The Lunch Experience

June 28th, 2014 Outside Food: The Lunch Experience

It was tough to get out of bed this morning after last night's late on-air weather coverage. I was getting up early to help some friends load their moving truck. I'm so glad I did because it felt good to help and it was one of the best workouts I've had in years. I made sure to take time for breakfast preparation and preparing a sack lunch for the inevitable lunch time break.

Lunch ideas were tossed around. Fried chicken? BBQ? Pizzas? It didn't matter to me, I had planned, prepared and packed my lunch.  I was hoping they would order out and everyone eat at their house, but the decision was made: The lunch break would be at the pizza buffet place.

At first I agreed to go too, taking my food with me. Then suddenly I started worrying about what might happen if I took my outside food into this restaurant. Would I be told I couldn't by the manager? Would people look at me in a strange way? Everyone was already in their vehicles when I decided I just couldn't do it. I asked my friend, "Do you mind if I stay here and eat my lunch? You guys go ahead and enjoy, I don't mind. I just didn't want to take my lunch into the restaurant."  He understood and said he didn't mind and we parted ways. I decided to drive home and eat lunch. I was almost to my apartment when I had a revelation.

I'm going to the pizza buffet place!!! I'm going to enjoy lunch and conversation with my friends. Part of the freedom included in the epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post involve caring much less about what others think of me. I'm confident in who I am. There was a respectful way to handle this restaurant situation without creating stories in my head about how the management and diners would react to me bringing in my own food. Who cares? If it's an issue, I'll leave, I thought.

After accepting then abruptly declining the lunch invitation, then having a sudden change of heart and going anyway, I kind of felt like I was in the middle of an internal tug of war.  But now I felt empowered and determined to enjoy my lunch while visiting with everyone else. I pulled into the parking lot, grabbed my lunch bag and without hesitation, headed for the door. Instead of sitting down and feeling like I had to conceal my "outside food" that was possibly breaking a common policy many restaurants maintain, I went straight to the counter. I was greeted by a very nice lady, I asked if she was the manager--she said yes, and then I explained what I wanted.

I opened with a compliment: "I love how you've remodeled the place! I'm with the party of eight in the room over there, but I'm on a special food plan. Would it be okay if I eat the food I brought while they eat your buffet?" She replied with a smile: "That's fine!" Okay, that went way better than I imagined. I added, "do you mind if I use a plate and order a water? I'll be sure to tip!" Again, "that's fine, no problem." 

I immediately walked past the hot buffet line full of almost every kind of pizza you can imagine. Hot pastas full of sauce and cheese, garlic bread--they had it all. I grabbed my plate and headed to the table where I assembled my sandwich, logged the food in MyFitnessPal, took a picture and sent the Tweet:



I didn't make a big deal about it. I didn't talk about my food until someone at out table asked me to describe what was on my plate. Honestly, I don't think anyone else away from our table even noticed. I quietly took care of me, doing my thing as everyone enjoyed wonderful lunch conversation. I participated in the fantastic conversation too and as I did, I couldn't help but smile inside because I felt wonderful about my decision to join the group for lunch. And to think, I almost didn't because I was allowing my imagination and fear to mix into an unrealistic expectation. There wasn't a stern manager telling me to leave...I didn't get strange looks at me or my food...just a wonderful lunch experience with some of the best people I know.

What also stood out in a profound way, was how content I was. There wasn't a struggle passing by the above described buffet line. My mouth wasn't watering at the site of other people's food. I didn't feel deprived in the least. It wasn't will power. Will power is when we're exerting a large amount of energy in an effort to keep ourselves from doing or having something we really want. It didn't require will power because I didn't want. That's a big difference. The key to this difference is found in focusing on the perspective that says, isn't it nice to have such a wonderful visit with friends? Isn't this lunch delicious and satisfying? And not: I can't have what they're having. Because clearly, I could--and for free, my friend's were picking up the tab.

And that's an important distinction. It wasn't that I couldn't eat what they were eating, I could have easily. I didn't want to for very good reasons. Just to clarify, had it been a restaurant with items I could order and feel good about, then I might have returned my prepared lunch to the fridge, saving it for later. My recovery from food addiction is something I take very seriously and if I'm ever in doubt about what's available where I'm headed, then I'll always be sure to bring something with me or wait until I have access to something I can accept. I had no idea of the lunch plans today, so I adequately prepared myself, and it paid off handsomely.

I managed my calories with intention and deliberateness today. I did well. My workout was the moving experience. I prepared a very nice Tilapia loin dinner with asparagus, zucchini, pear and fresh strawberries and I enjoyed a wonderful visit tonight with my oldest daughter Amber at her place across town. Her and I have some pretty powerful conversations! Both of my wonderful daughters remind me of me in various ways.

I even took some time during a break in the move to tweet some humor:



Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

I spent most of the day with mom, taking her to an eye specialist appointment at the McGee Eye Institute in Oklahoma City. It was a wonderful experience as expected. We carefully packed "road lunches" before departing, each with a sandwich, cheese stick, three kinds of fruit and some wild rice chips. These served as both lunch and snacks along the way. It felt good to do the three P's: Plan, Prepare and Pack. I can't count the number of trips we've made over the years where the first stop was a convenience store for snacks or a fast food drive through on the way out of town. And if the trip involved going "to the big city," like today, then an elaborate plan to eat somewhere "special" was usually the main attraction. Would it be that big home style buffet on the South side or that Mexican all-you-can-eat place where whenever you want more food, you simply raise the flag? Yeah!! You don't even need to move from your seat!! Buffets where you actually have to get up and walk around? Forget that movement nonsense! Poncho's Mexican Buffet is full service, baby! I always thought they needed two flags on those tables, the miniature Mexican flag for more food and a white one for when one more bite could trigger a medical emergency.

 As we drove past the Cracker Barrel, we joked about taking a detour and cutting loose on all things Cracker Barrel. We were clearly not serious. But not too long ago, I was very serious. I quickly turned the conversation straight when I shared with mom a secret I had kept for the last four or five months. I hadn't planned on telling anyone about this experience, ever. I just wanted to forget it and move forward. Driving past it today brought out humor at first, then the secret I kept. I decided to share a little of the story with mom today and I've decided to share that and the rest of the experience with you, in order to illustrate just how different things were not too long ago:

I don't remember the exact date, it was either February or March. I had just dropped a friend off at Will Rogers World Airport and was headed home when I suddenly felt compelled to take the Cracker Barrel exit. I had been obsessing about their gravy since the pass on the way to the airport and there I was, all alone with a chorus of demons steering me toward the exit. I didn't resist. I walked in and immediately scanned the area for people I might know. I didn't want to get caught. This trip would forever be between me and a server whom I didn't know, I thought. I ordered the chicken fried steak covered in sawmill gravy, with extra gravy and extra biscuits on the side. I finished the giant portions but I wasn't done. I ordered more biscuits and more gravy. I must admit, it was slightly embarrassing to ask for more. In order to do it, I had to pretend I was someone else--because how could I do this?? I kept telling myself, I'll never see this server again. She didn't know she had become the dealer for my addiction.

After finishing off at least six or seven biscuits and two bowls of gravy, not to mention the chicken fried steak, I decided to accept the dessert suggestion. Oh, she was good. Would I like some pie topped with ice cream?? "Oh I shouldn't, really." As if I was some kind of reasonable eater. "What the heck, let's do it. Sure."  I was so busy eating everything I had fantasized about, I barely noticed how sick I was feeling until I walked outside. That was a long, guilty, shameful walk to the vehicle. At one point I seriously thought I would throw up. It was too much food. I was miserable the rest of the night, physically, mentally and emotionally. If I felt hopeless before this food excursion, my feelings had just been confirmed. I was recklessly headed straight back to 500 pounds in a way that suggested my thoughts and actions were not my own, instead from some insatiable monster inside me.

The next day I vowed never again and I started doing well for a day or two, then it was right back to the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through for what had quickly become a very secretive late night habit of shakes and burgers before bed.

When you read words I write about how grateful I am for the peace and calm I enjoy today, now you get a sense of how deep that gratitude flows.

I've enjoyed more than two months of binge free living, more than two months 97% sugar free, more than two months of making additional support a priority and more than two months of not hiding anything. Posting a picture and calorie count of every bite, every day might seem excessive, but I don't look at it like that at all. It's necessary for me. I've gone from worrying this practice might be a big hassle to fully embracing and loving the record it's creating. It only works with extreme honesty. I understand, the second I eat something without the photo and tweet in a deviously secretive way, that's the moment it will unravel quickly and tragically. In this state of acceptance, matched with willingness, a solid determination and iron-clad integrity, I'm experiencing something like never before. Not even during my initial weight loss did I feel this much peace. I'm worth the extra effort. Recovery feels good, life affirming, really--after feeling hopeless, lost and scared in the grips of a powerful relapse. I hereby pledge to protect my recovery with the tools and practices successfully used by the countless people before me who continue to this day, living a peace that once seemed impossible to attain.

Will there be struggles? Of course. And when struggle returns, it's up to me to immediately use the tools and practices of successful recovery in order to correct.  One day at a time.

Mom's appointment at the specialist was a good one. She has a macular pucker on the back of her right eye. It doesn't require surgery right now and it doesn't seem to be negatively affecting her vision too much right now. The doctor set her up for a 6 month return in order to track its progress. If the sight stays relatively stable, no surgery. If it worsens, they'll operate. Mom felt good about the trip and outcome. Going in, she was convinced he might want to operate on her eye immediately--and this scared her. I felt her relief when she realized this wasn't the case.

After both of us started falling asleep in the various waiting rooms we toured over the course of three hours, we decided a coffee was in order before the return trip to Stillwater.  Our visit wasn't focused on a "big city" restaurant visit, it was focused on quality time together--visiting, discussing--and laughing, then laughing some more and more.  Of course we planned a nice dinner out upon returning home at one of our favorite places.

We decided to share a single 1/2 order of chicken fajitas for dinner. Notice, of the handful of times I've eaten out in the last couple of months--fajitas, be it Hawaiian or simple chicken, have been the go-to order.  I like it because it feels easily manageable. I have a pretty easy Mexican restaurant strategy to follow: If I do the chips (and I did), I separate mine from the bowl--count out my serving and that's mine--no more...eat 'em slow or fast, when they're gone--that's it. I ask for corn tortillas instead of flour (saves anywhere from 25-50 calorie per tortilla) and I choose to pass on the calorie dense rice and beans. I can confidently get in and out of a restaurant with these fairly simple rules.  And it's not like I'm sitting there miserable the entire time because I'm not indulging in loads of chips and dips and sour cream enchiladas--My focus is shifted to the ones I'm sharing the meal with, in this case Mom...it's more an opportunity to relax and enjoy one another's company, rather than get stuffed.  For me, once this shifted perspective is embraced, it dramatically changes the dynamics.

I took mom home, grabbed my lunch supplies from earlier (she was excited about me leaving her some pitas and rice chips!) and headed for Boomer Lake on the North part of my hometown. I had an off day from exercise yesterday, so I wanted to make sure I had a good one tonight. I couldn't have made it back in time for the YMCA, so a good 5K walk was in order. And it was great.

Thank you for reading! You can follow along on Twitter by clicking www.twitter.com/seanaanderson and if you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My username is SeanAAnderson.

Strength,
Sean
photo photo13_zps9e90c3f7.jpg
Mother-Son Selfie right before my departure tonight
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Sunday, June 22, 2014

June 22nd, 2014 Blissfully Not Busy

June 22nd, 2014 Blissfully Not Busy

Every weekend I tell myself I'll get it done and every weekend we get to this point and it isn't done. I'm writing about the list of things I can do to enhance what I'm already doing. It's like having a demented coach inside my head, pushing me further and never letting well enough be good enough. This internal dialogue is baloney because I am doing well and it is good enough.

I planned on doing some precooking, design a vision board, look into what I need to do to get a weekly podcast started and dive into building a do-it-yourself website for a domain I've had reserved for the last two years. I could really be hard on myself right now. But you know what? Nah...I'm good. No more of that stuff.

When the road is smooth and it seems like I'm on cruise control with food, exercise and the mental/emotional elements--my brain suddenly tries to take everything up a few notches. If we can do this, then we can also do this and that--and oh, here's an idea!!  Settling down and just being okay is something that takes effort. It's like I'm scared of losing what I'm experiencing, so I automatically go into overdrive.

Instead of beating myself up for not accomplishing certain tasks this weekend, I'm patting myself on the back for being okay. Because things have been very okay lately. I'm proud of myself. I'm grateful. I'm okay.

For quite some time the internal voice was telling me that this "okay" would be impossible to feel again. I was convinced the voice was right, but still I kept having periods of fighting followed by periods of not caring, then fighting--and back and forth.  A Tweet from Ralph Marston hit me square today:



Ralph Marston is one of my favorite philosophers. You can see more of his work and subscribe to his site at www.greatday.com Check out Ralph's Monday June 23rd entry on his website titled "Peace and Quiet." Yes sir, Mr. Marston, I'm sincerely applying a healthy appreciation for peace and quiet. A coincidence he would have that message on his site when I'm experiencing the same dynamics. It's so fascinating how we often read or hear what we need at precisely the right time. You know what I mean?

I enjoyed cooking breakfast and lunch today. I accepted an invitation from a friend for dinner. The menu was something I could do. While there, I traded services: I mowed the lawn and in exchange had my uni-brow waxed and eye brows trimmed and of course the dinner. I didn't immediately think of mowing as exercise, but why not?? It was a push mower and I was sweating! I decided to enter it into MyFitnessPal and yes, it was listed. According to MFP, I burned over 400 calories in the short 30 minute mowing. I was happy to do it. And my wildly hairy eyebrows look and feel much better now. In 20 to 30 years, I will have eye brows like the late great Andy Rooney, that is, if I don't stay on top of them! It's actually a blessing and I'm grateful for my good hair genes.

This weekend has been a wonderful experience. I took advantage of the schedule-less time and got plenty of much needed rest. Did I do everything I wanted to do this weekend? No. And I'm glad I didn't.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

I'm feeling better now, than I think I ever have in my life. That's a pretty big statement. I mean, ever, in the history of Sean. It has some to do with eating better, exercising and losing weight, of course, but the majority of this feeling comes from the epiphany of May 15th, 2014: My identity and self worth will never be tethered to the shape of my face, the size of my pants or the number on a scale. The same qualities and positive attributes I love about me are constant, at 505 or 230, for richer or poorer. Read the blog post from May 15th by clicking here.

Never before has something stayed with me in such a powerful way. And it goes beyond recognizing and understanding. I've taken this into practical application in my everyday life and its effect has been nothing short of miraculous.

I enjoy spending time with me. I don't think I've ever known what that was like until now. I have a greater confidence no matter where I am or who I may run into, I always hold my head high. What makes this exceptionally better is, I'm feeling great about myself, so when I'm around people I'm not busy projecting negative feelings about me onto them without their knowledge. In fact, it's the opposite. I think I'm awesome, so surely they do too! I don't tug on my shirt as much, as if doing so makes me appear slimmer. I don't look in the mirror and pepper myself with self-loathing and disgust. I look in the mirror with gratefulness and appreciation for what I have and what I don't have. I take extraordinary care in planning, selecting and preparing my food. I'm making me important. I even bought myself some new sweat pants today. I'm recognizing my talents and celebrating them--nurturing them, instead of discounting and under valuing. The added confidence has decreased my sensitivity, so I don't take things personally as often as I once did. I'm proceeding along this road with an excitement and vigor like never before.  When someone compliments me on my appearance, I say thank you instead of launching into a laundry list of reasons to invalidate their suggestion, followed by --"but yeah, thank you for that." Just as importantly, I don't invest too much in what people say about me in a positive way. I don't gravitate toward them like a puppy with wagging tail and wanting eyes, saying give me more, give me more... and hoping if they say it enough I'll eventually believe it too.

And I'm showing an abundant gratitude and thanks everyday for effectively being branded with two life changing experiences at the same time: The positive physical/mental effects of finally giving nearly 100% abstinence from sugar an honest effort and the mental/emotional freedom afforded by a new perspective on identity and self-worth.

I'm also keenly aware that these gifts are not in any way locked into place. Only with my continued diligent practice, my constant awareness of where I am and a confident patience for where I'm headed, will I be allowed to keep the peace I currently enjoy. Only a fool believes he's figured out the combination for eternal peace without continued effort and practice. I've used the word "practice" a lot lately because it's what it is. I'm not perfect, never will be and that isn't the goal. The pursuit of perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment.

I'm doing the best I can, today.

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Today was good in many ways. I had a productive morning show and afternoon production session. I left work, went shopping for myself (hardly ever do that), took care of a friend's dogs, then came home and started preparing an incredible meal. The food was almost done when I started my weekly Tuesday night support conference call, so I let it stay in the warm oven until the call was over. I enjoyed the meal tremendously--wow--Loved it!!





I worked out on the elliptical at the YMCA after dinner, helped my oldest daughter with something--went back out to care for the dogs, then headed home to eat my #lastfoodofday and write this blog post.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 16, 2014

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

------------------------------------------------

Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

The search that started and successfully ended last night, thanks to the power of Facebook actually started several months ago. I visit with my mom on a regular basis and when I'm with her I rarely talk about me. I want to know how she's doing, mentally and emotionally.  How she feels is important to me, not at all unlike the concern most of us have for a loved one, or several.  You see, being raised by her, loved, nurtured, protected and seeing her in the most honest light, I've come to believe she is one of the most loving people on this earth.  Proud son talking about his momma? Perhaps. But seriously...

Throughout the history of my entire life, I can count on one hand how many times I've heard her speak in a severely negative way about anyone. The only time I've ever witnessed her show any semblance of anger and rage was when I was challenging her to the extreme as a kid or when she was standing up for me. Her being the mother of a special needs son, I watched her patience spread thin with my little brother, but never breaking, always loving--always caring, always protective. I would do anything for her.

It was sometime last fall while we were having dinner and coffee at our favorite diner when mom asked me a favor. "What is it, mom?" I knew something was on her mind and she was hesitant to ask. I encouraged her and eventually she asked, "Will you find him for me?" (I've replaced his name with the pronoun in an effort to respect his privacy--after brazenly disrespecting it last night). I immediately asked "why?"

"I just want to see him one more time and say a few words," she said. "How would I find him?"  "You have a lot of friends on facebook, maybe they could help." 

I tried a few general searches using the information she gave me and came up empty every time. I was kind of hoping mom would forget this idea, but with every visit, his name would come up. "Mom, you realize he could be dead or happily married with a family. How would he react to this some 50 years later?"  At this point mom would usually drop the subject. But it became more and more clear to me that this was something very important to her. What if something happened to her and I didn't at least give it 100% effort? She's never asked me for much, so why not give it a try?

I posted about this on facebook last night in the best way I knew how. The response was overwhelming. Thank you if you were one who participated. After over 200 shares and numerous comments, it was clear this search had immediately turned into a massive group effort. Less than three hours later I was on the phone with an investigator in California who specializes in finding people, mainly for class reunions. I had all of the details I needed to make contact. He was alive and well. Since that conversation, four others have correctly ID'd the person of interest.

He answered the first number I called today. I spoke to him for one minute and thirty-six seconds. I was apologetic for bothering him, identified myself and my mother. I asked if he remembered the name and he confirmed he did remember. I then proceeded to tell him why I was calling. "The intention isn't to try to rekindle or revisit something from a half century ago. I just wanted to know if you would remotely consider a short visit, even if it's just an hour over lunch?" There was a slight pause and then, "No, no I would not." 

I immediately apologized for bothering him, told him I completely understood and then apologized again for the contact. And that was it.

Afterward I sat alone in my studio pondering this whole situation. And after some counsel from the very wise investigator known as "Sherlock" in California, I realized it was okay. Unleashing a social media storm in an effort to find him was certainly effective but it wasn't necessarily fair to him. Out of respect for him, his family and their privacy, we're going to leave this be once and for all.

I spoke with mom not long after and her first words were filled with gratitude for everyone who helped me fulfill this request of hers. She seemed upbeat and positive, despite the news. And we had a wonderful conversation about how and why this response was normal and okay. And a deeper conversation about the importance of focusing on the future instead of the past. Mom is a young 68. She's in relatively good health, considering--with a few treatable ailments. And God willing, she has a lot of life ahead of her. I love her dearly and I so badly wanted this to turn out differently. But honestly, it may have turned out the best possible way, anyhow. I plan on visiting mom this weekend and once again we'll discuss things important to us both. I feel good in knowing that this is one subject we can let rest...just let it be, let it go and be okay. And we can learn from it in wonderful ways.

--------------------------------------------
I planned and prepared my food today as always and that's good, because that was one less thing to think about today. We had a big party hosted by the broadcasting company I work for and the invite list including every member of the local chamber of commerce. This event is an annual thing. A few years ago, at goal, I donned a tuxedo at this event. Last year, I donned a noticeably larger tuxedo and this year, no tuxedo. I was just casually and wonderfully me.  Not once did I fret over seeing some of these people I hadn't for over a year. I confidently shook hands and smiled and made my way around the room talking to as many as I could. It's amazing what a shift in perspective can do.

If this event would have happened two months ago, I would have come up with some reason to duck out or not show up at all. The interesting revelation is...

What would have kept me from enjoying myself had this event happened two months ago? It really wouldn't have been the fear of what people would think of me after weight gain, it would have been the self-punishment found in projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge. Let that marinate for a minute.

How we feel about ourselves is a very powerful thing. For someone as sensitive as me, projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge, has been a source of a lot of needless shame, embarrassment and guilt. Newsflash: We're all human! The great news is, it works both ways. I projected a genuine feeling of peace and confidence this evening and I projected it toward everyone around me. Not once did I feel the negative emotions that once upon a time came so easily. I pray this feeling stays with me forever. I will continue doing the inside work needed to maintain this non-physical part of my transformation.

I did leave the party slightly early in order to make my 7pm Tuesday night group conference call. It was once again a great experience. Afterward, I cooked dinner, enjoyed it and then headed for a late workout at the YMCA.

Tomorrow is weigh day! I can't wait to report the number I find. I'm keeping a very level head about whatever the scale says tomorrow. Regardless of the number, I'm not stopping this positive momentum I'm building. If the number is a big loss, I must remind myself to keep my feet on the ground. If it's small or a gain, I'll do the same--with a little help from my friends. Taking back the emotional effects of the scale is important. The numbers don't define who we are. It's for statistical purposes only. And perhaps those statistics can occasionally help inspire small tweaks here and there if needed.

You're welcome to check out my Live-Tweet Twitter feed of all my food and exercise. Also, if you have MyFitnessPal, friend me if you wish, my username is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, June 7, 2014

June 7th, 2014 Not Leaving Things To Chance

June 7th, 2014 Not Leaving Things To Chance

I had an 11am-2pm broadcast at an auto dealership today. The owner of the dealership bought his staff lunch and extended the offer my way. Having brought my own, I declined. The free food opportunities have been numerous lately. I suppose it's that time of year. When everyone else started eating, I grabbed mine too. One of the sales associates noticed my lunch, walked over and said, "You're really serious about eating better, huh?" I replied, "It is one of my highest priorities, very important."

I'm not leaving things to chance. When a situation comes along (and it will) where I'm not prepared and find myself looking at a menu, I'm confident I'll navigate my order well. I've made it important to minimize those situations.  I enjoy cooking, pure and simple. I never use recipes, I just jump in and throw things together, hoping for the best. I'm thankful for my natural culinary skills.

Having a Twitter account dedicated to tweeting pictures and calorie counts of everything I eat has been an unexpected blessing. It has slowed me down nicely and inspired me to take care in preparing and enjoying what I eat. I plan better too. And once I get an idea in my head, it's tough to change it. I've declined a couple of dinner invitations because, "I'm sorry, I already have dinner plans." I leave out the part about it being dinner for one at my place. I truly, for the first time in my life, actually enjoy spending time alone. This is a very recent development. Since the epiphanies of May 15th, I feel different in a wonderful way.

Never before has an epiphany had this powerful of an impact on me and everything I am, do, think, feel and say. It's inspired me to take better care. It's a beautiful thing.  If you haven't read the May 15th post, you can find it here.  Also check out a post from a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness."

I had planned on a YMCA trip today before I discovered they close at 6pm on Saturday. I thought it was 7pm. I think it was at one point. Instead, I opted for a late night walk. It was shorter than normal because I'm a little tired today. My sleep has drastically improved but still, my schedule has been relentless lately and I think it's catching up to me.

I'm out of mind crazy excited about weigh day on Wednesday the 11th. I can feel and see the difference in fairly significant ways. My efforts are rewarding me and that feels fantastic.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

June 3rd, 2014 Never Say Never

June 3rd, 2014 Never Say Never

The title of yesterday's blog "Free From All That Noise," was a celebration of sorts for walking into the YMCA yesterday afternoon with a positive/determined spirit. This attitude and perspective being a complete 180 from a Y trip not too long ago. Last night I declared "That breakthrough Y trip a while back literally set me free from all that noise."  I said it with a firm belief, 100% conviction, very similar, in fact--to the declarations I made while initially losing my weight. Remember, "I'll never see 400 pounds again," and "I'll never see 300 pounds again," and my favorite, "275 pounds gone forever!"  To say "never" suggests an all-knowing certainty. And let's be honest, none of us mere mortals possess that kind of power. I start tonight's edition with this as a way to say thank you to Janis, a reader of this blog with much appreciated insights, for challenging me to examine it further. And also because it's an important point to share.

Her comment on the June 2nd post:
"One quick comment -- glad to see you back, BTW -- about your experience at the Y. You may walk in one day in the future and for whatever reason feel insecure or nervous about being there. Don't be surprised or punked by this, just ride it out. The comment you made -- "That breakthrough Y trip a while back literally set me free from all that noise" -- indicates that you may still be thinking of these challenges as things that you can solve once and then be fine forever after. Unfortunately, all people tend to hit walls repeatedly. A problem that you think has been solved will probably rear its head again at some point in the future. It doesn't mean you failed, it doesn't mean that you're no good, and it doesn't mean that the original epiphany was worthless. It just means that, like all challenges, they're never fully solved.

So this is just a quick word of warning. You've already realized this about your relationship with food, but you may find it popping up regarding exercise as well. Be wary of thinking that any problem is solved once and then it never arises again. If you fall prey to that thinking, then when the problem arises again -- as it inevitably will -- you may end up thinking that the world is coming to an end when it's not. :-)"

I kind of felt like she was speaking to me from the future, like she could see it happening and was coming back here to warn me. It was a wonderful, extremely insightful, much appreciated and spot on analysis from her. 
Janis, sincerely, thank you.

I walked into the Y this afternoon, fresh from an internal struggle. I made light of it on Twitter, but it was a serious little tug of war in my head. One thought wanted to go straight home, relax, maybe take a short nap and postpone my workout until after my conference call support group tonight. The other thought was more concerned about time management and getting to bed at a decent hour for a change, insisting on getting in there and getting a nice workout in the books. The 2nd thought won out. I walked in to the Y feeling the same confidence and determination I did yesterday. I pray that I always feel this way and when I don't, I pray I'll remember Janis's wise words, "It doesn't mean you failed, it doesn't mean that you're no good, and it doesn't mean that the original epiphany was worthless. It just means that, like all challenges, they're never fully solved...you may end up thinking that the world is coming to an end when it's not."

I'm immensely grateful for the support I receive. It means the world to me.

As this blog progresses, some days are more average than others--and as much as I enjoy exploring things on a deep and personal level, some days will be just short recaps of the days events. This post isn't one of those, however--on days like that, I plan on adding a feature called The DDWL AMA (ask me anything).

I spend a good amount of time thoroughly answering email questions. I've decided to occasionally feature a question and answer from my email sean@transformationroad.com. I'll always ask permission to use the email question and at least the first name of the person asking the question.

I've written quite a bit lately about my near 100% abstinence from sugar and how it's affected me over the course of the last 40 plus days. Colleen asked a question recently and I replied with a long answer and a short answer:    

 Hi Sean,

 I love reading your blog every day!  Also your food always looks delicious!  I am also addicted to sugar and have one question. Will you ever go back to eating ice cream, cake, desserts ever again?

 Thanks, 
Colleen

My reply:

Thank you for your readership and support!! Great question.  Short answer at the end. But brevity has never been my strong suit... so...

This was one of the biggest points of contention for me since I started losing weight in 2008.
I lost 275 pounds eating cake, ice cream and desserts--all within reasonable portions at appropriate times.
Using prior success as a reference, It made it very hard to get to a place of acceptance for abstinence, where I am now.

How did I stay consistent for as long as I did, despite all the sugary foods in moderation?
In hindsight, I clearly see how my support and accountability system importance level was set so high, I didn't dare give in to the struggle, temptation and the obsessive like attraction to "getting more." There were a lot of prayers and meditation--surrounding myself with people, instead of isolating--and connecting as much as possible with a variety of support sources.

When I basically abandoned almost every support and accountability component I had leaned on for so long--then it was a very different dynamic. Suddenly I was dramatically weakened.
When the bio-chemical reactions of sugar addiction swirled through my brain, I followed it's lead without question--as if possessed. I traded one struggle for another. Instead of struggling against the compulsions to binge, I gave in--then struggled with the regret, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and the guilt associated with doing the very things I wanted to be diametrically opposed to. 

I was very much NOT wanting to let go of the sugar or, the option to enjoy it occasionally in portioned doses... My denial was slowly revealed and chipped away by learning. What ended up happening is, I kept researching the effects of sugar, specifically the addictive nature of it, and then as if I was destined to hear--I kept having conversations with people in recovery from food addiction---people who have what I want--years of maintenance behind them--and 100% of them said the same thing in relation to sugar and how it creates a bio-chemical reaction in our pleasure sensors---and then sets off the addictive cycle of, "I gotta have more and NOW!!!!" 

I can't say I'm 100% sugar free, because of my non-flavored plain coffee creamer. The tiny amount doesn't seem to have the same effect as larger more obvious amounts. I'm sugar free enough to experience the most amazing benefits I once thought were impossible to find for me. No binges and no urges to binge. So many people described their experience to me--and they described this feeling--but still, until I actually committed to the effort needed to personally "test" it, it was like they were speaking of some mythical fantasy. I do recognize that I have a similar and many ways stronger support and accountability system in place now--but even still--I'm not fighting to maintain control. There's a peace and calm about my approach that I'm absolutely in love with.  If trading the occasional sugar for this feeling is the deal...then I'll sign a lifetime contract. That's the long answer to my perspective.

Will I ever go back to eating ice cream, cakes and other sugar laden things? I pray I never do. My short answer is no, I don't plan on ever going back. I now know, understand and appreciate what I must do in order to stay abstinent.  I also know that if I ever decide to abandon the principles and practices of my personal recovery, I'll surely go straight back to the very familiar reality of an unmanageable and chaotic existence.

It's important to note that fortunately, not everyone is a food and/or sugar addict. For some, the basic fundamentals of eating less, exercising more and developing an "in moderation" approach to food is the answer. I wanted it to be my answer. And as much as I wanted to wish it into being--summoning the law of attraction and constantly telling myself I was someone who could be okay with a non-addict approach to recovery--I finally realized it wasn't me. And it's okay. I'm okay. And I have a wonderful, rich and fulfilling life ahead of me without sugar.

The acceptance of and fully embracing my personal truth of addiction, along with some life changing epiphanies about identity and self-worth, have sent me straight to a very positive place. I love this feeling and I wouldn't trade it for all the Snickers Bars and mint chocolate chip shakes in the world.  Truth is, all it takes for that transaction to happen is one Snickers or shake. 

I'm happily abstinent from sugar.

I hope all that was of help to you Colleen,
My best always,
Sean

 If you have a question to submit for The DDWL AMA, send it to Sean@transformationroad.com I'll do my best to answer it honestly and openly.

 I suppose I should have ended that reply with "I'm happily 97% abstinent from sugar." It certainly seems to be working for me. And I'm very happy it is...My goodness, it was getting pretty dark. Now it seems much brighter; better.

 After my workout I made a quick trip to the store for more pineapple (found it on sale again--this time $1.29 each! That's ridiculously cheap for a whole pineapple!), some chicken breasts, asparagus and grapes. I'm trying to ensure that I'm getting enough variety in the foods I enjoy. The 1700 calorie bank I'm allowing seems to be plenty. In fact, some days I'm falling a little short.

I came home and made "oven-fried" chicken breast (coated with water, dry potato flakes and seasonings), asparagus, red roasted potatoes topped with salt/pepper, garlic powder and mozzarella, plus a side of pineapple. It was an amazing dinner and definitely something different! I did learn something good to know... When I checked the calorie count and serving information on the bag of red potatoes it said the serving size was approximately 4 potatoes or 148g for 100 calories. Good thing I weigh and measure everything. I started to weigh 4 small potatoes and realized it was double the serving size. Two potatoes, not four as suggested by the "serving size," checked in at just under the 148g's. I've discovered this same discrepancy on a few other things. Now, I never go by their "approximate" anything--I weigh it for either ounces or grams depending on the item.

We had a fantastic group support conference call this evening. It felt wonderful to start another six week group! If you're ever interested in being involved, send me an email and I'll make sure you're notified of upcoming groups.

I'm hitting the pillow tonight feeling great about this day.  I'm reminding myself--stay calm and carry on one day at a time.  As the one and only Jack Sh*t recently commented, "Now you just need to keep on keeping on keeping on."

Indeed Jack. Thank you.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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