July 9th, 2014 It Felt Doable For The First Time

July 9th, 2014 It Felt Doable For The First Time

Today was a good, solid, feel good kind of day. I ate well, I exercised and I accomplished a lot at work. I napped beautifully, good sleep napping. If you go back to January and read this post, you'll get an idea of what a dramatic difference horrible sleep vs. quality sleep makes. I read that old post and I see how positive I was trying to be and how, even in the face of extreme exhaustion I was desperately trying to regain control instead of weight. Of course, we know what happened. At the time that post was written, I still had 3.5 months of struggle ahead of me, peppered with periods of good, but mostly deep, dark struggle. Even though my time management skills needs a major overhaul and I often don't get enough sleep, now, when I do--it's quality and I feel as rested as anyone can possibly hope to be with an equal amount.

Now, looking back, I clearly see where this "confrontation" with the sleep issue was really the beginning of my comeback, if you will. Had I continued ignoring it and fighting each day to stay awake and maintain some kind of balance, by now I would have been well on my way back to over 500 pounds, instead of where I am today--headed toward my healthiest weight. I encourage you, if you're suffering with untreated sleep apnea, do whatever you must do to get some kind of treatment and therapy. It's robbing you of life. And life is too short. 

I've decided to share my meal tweets each night in this blog. I made this decision after receiving a message from a long time supporter in Tennessee. After listening to my radio show with mom the other morning via the online link, she writes: "To put a voice with the pictures and words made your story and journey so much more real, and the same is true with the photos of what you eat as opposed to a written down food plan. It was seeing the food in a picture that made me know I could do this. It felt doable for the first time."

I was keeping the food pictures exclusive to Twitter because I didn't want to over do-it, you know? I understand not everyone is into Twitter. Although I have no control of how my food pictures are received-nor should I care regardless, I still don't want my food choices to be misconstrued as some kind of example of what you should eat. I never tell anyone what they should eat or not eat. My twitter feed of every bite, every calorie is simply an accountability tool I felt I needed, as a modification to what I did before. I eat what I like and nothing I don't. That simple statement was a big part of my initial weight loss blogging and is prominently featured in my book, Transformation Road. What is right and good for me, may not be anything you like.

We all must find what works for us. I believe we shouldn't ever force ourselves to choke down things we can't stand for the sole purpose of losing weight. How can we develop eating habits and behaviors to last a lifetime if we hate what we're eating along the way? When that very dear supporter said "It was seeing the food in picture that made me know I could do this. It felt doable for the first time," it touched me and gave me a slight shift in perspective. As long as you know, the food I eat is customized to my likes/dislikes and personal restrictions (nearly 100% abstinence from sugar) and it's not a suggestion or "food plan" for anyone but me, then I'll feel better about also sharing the tweets here each night. Of course, if you like the same things I like--I highly recommend all of it!! I love what I'm eating!

Big breakfast! Mushroom, muenster & avocado omelet using 3 whites, 1 whole. Yellow apple & cantaloupe (256g) 460 cal. pic.twitter.com/5M0ik9RnIO
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 9, 2014

Turkey and muenster on sandwich thin w/avocado (59g), 1/2 srv rice chips, gala apple, strawberries, LC wedge. 574 cal pic.twitter.com/SmkiUrIZOD
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 9, 2014

Tilapia loin, grilled squash & zucchini w/93 cal olive oil spray. Baked/diced swt pot, cinn/stevia apples. 359 cal. pic.twitter.com/jeoDaTg0g9
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) July 10, 2014

As you can tell from my recent food tweets, avocados have been on sale lately for 50 cents each.

My mom turned 69 today! I've already wished her a happy birthday four times today, but I'll do it again here because I know she reads everything I write: Happy Birthday Mom!! I'll be celebrating her birthday with a visit to Stillwater this coming Sunday.

My workout tonight was inspired and productive. I recently raised the resistance on the elliptical a notch, thinking it wouldn't make a big difference...I was wrong, it makes a big difference. I plan on adding spinning classes to my workout schedule next week along with some resistance weight training in my "spare bedroom gym." 

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

My decision to come home last night and nap turned out to be a very good one. I headed to the studio not long after posting last night's edition and didn't get in bed until after 3:30am. I was back up at 5am nursing a cup of coffee and reassuring myself I would return immediately after my morning show for a much needed extended nap. I still prepared a good breakfast, even though--honestly, I didn't feel like doing anything other than sleep. I had a good show despite little sleep. It's strange, unless I'm "body breaking down" tired, I can turn it on when the On-Air light is lit.

Several months ago when my sleep apnea situation was at its worse, I was losing my ability to hide the effects on-air. Aside from the obvious negative physical and mental effects of exhaustion, the worsening of my voice and on air demeanor was one of the big wake up calls urging me to seek help quickly. I had numerous mornings back then when I'd wake up after several hours with a racing heartbeat, headache from oxygen deprivation and a feeling like I had been fighting for my life all night long. No wonder I didn't feel like taking care of myself in other ways. Eating well and exercising regularly was pretty far down the list of priorities. Possibly having a heart attack in the middle of the night suddenly became something I worried about all the time. When I finally said, "I can't do this anymore" and sought help, that's when this turnaround started. Granted, I wasn't back immediately--it did take some time, But wow---it feels amazing to be back where I am now after sliding so far down.

These days when my schedule turns horrible like it did last night and today, a good-quality nap gives me more energy than any amount of sleep back then. It was never the quantity, always the quality.

I wasn't able to get away from the studio until 10:30am. I came home, prepared a light snack and tried to settle down enough for sleep. It took me a little while, but I was finally able to get a solid 2.5 hour nap before preparing and packing a lunch and returning for a full afternoon in the production studio. I finished my production at 5:30pm then raced down the street to exchange my personal vehicle for the station vehicle in preparation for my location broadcast at the 101 Wild West Rodeo from 6-8pm. Time was tight. I still had to hurry home, change clothes, prepare a snack to hold me until a late dinner, then get to the arena by 6pm.

I cruised onto the rodeo grounds right on time as if I had casually made my way out. I literally had to stop and catch my breath at one point. Tonight was the opening night and it's marked by the opening night free rodeo barbecue. Here we are with the free food opportunities again! I didn't go near the tent housing the free food. And better than that, it wasn't a struggle to avoid. I had my plan in place. I brought some fruit and I knew a dinner I'd feel good about was waiting for me back at home. I remember last year...oh my...two people brought free barbecue sandwiches to the broadcast vehicle. I quietly ate one and a half of them last year. Nobody brought me sandwiches this year or maybe they did, but I was moving all around the arena, interviewing people and being active. Perhaps I missed the free food givers. Darn.

I wouldn't have taken a bite, not one. This clarity and focus, and bigger--this peace I'm feeling is something I don't ever want to lose. I could easily throw it away at anytime if I'm not doing the work needed to take the best care I can. This is a major difference for me. During my initial weight loss, I reached a point where I kind of felt invincible. It was a foolish belief and after walking that tight rope for longer than I should have, I did eventually fall. I don't feel invincible now. My attitude and perspective has shifted dramatically, but still--I have a much greater respect for the overall power of this thing. I seem to be doing what is working well for me today. And I pray I'll approach each day as one, and do those things again and again. Honestly, regaining a considerable amount of my initial loss is proving to be exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

My shoes were all muddy after trekking all over the outdoor arena and my plan to workout at the Y tonight looked as if it would be preceded by a good shoe washing and scrubbing. Or, I could go buy a new pair of shoes. I've needed a new pair for a while but I always hesitate to buy things even when I know I need them. Thank you muddy arena for pushing me toward doing something nice for myself!

I bought my shoes and headed home to change for the YMCA. I was feeling slightly hungry, like my metabolism burned up the fruit snack and was demanding something more. I prepared some fat/sugar free refried beans with a little green chili sauce and used Beanitos all natural pinto bean chips as the vehicle to get the dip into my face. Yes...I used beans to eat my beans. Interesting. It was delicious and exactly the protein I needed to get through my workout and home for dinner.

All of my food pictures and exercise excursions along with some occasionally humorous tweets, can be found and followed (if you're into that type of thing) by visiting www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a twitter account to view my page and tweets.

Also, if you use MyFitnessPal like I do, then you're welcome to friend me there too! My food diary is set to public.

It's been a long day and even though I have another location broadcast at the rodeo tomorrow night and Saturday's location broadcast schedule runs 11am-8pm, I'm confident I'll stay prepared and ready for whatever comes along. The good news is, we're not expecting severe storms for a couple of days, so no sudden and complete wrecking of my sleep schedule! Now, if I can just get everything in that I want to do daily and still get to bed at a decent time. That remains one of my biggest challenges lately.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

I slept horribly last night. I made it to work looking half dead on a morning I needed to be at my best and somehow I made it through and did well.  I had nine in studio guests and one special co-host this morning. I have no idea how I got through the show. I suppose after 26 years I've learned how to "fake it" when I'm not feeling my best.  I doubt anyone listening could tell, and that's good.  My in studio guests had to have noticed; I was rough.

I've employed the same strategy with this sleep issue.  It's something I should have addressed a very long time ago, instead I put it off--pretended to be okay, sought therapy and when it didn't work, carried on pretending I could be fine, while the effects of sleep deprivation were wreaking havoc on me in multiple ways.  Just as we say "never give up" with our weight loss efforts, I declared the same on this sleep disorder.  I reached a point where it was breaking me down, making everything harder and becoming an immediate hazard to everything important in my world.

Yesterday I ran around trying to get everything done and I missed my opportunity to get my sleep monitor reading and some kind of suggested solution. Today I did make it in and the statistics clearly supported the obvious effects on my face, or is it the other way around?  Anyway, for whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mouth closed during the night--and that's a must with most cpap masks.  An open mouth, even just a slight bit, is enough for the positive air pressure to escape thus rendering the therapy pretty much useless. Tonight I'll try a full face mask. I can't wait to experience the difference good sleep will make in my day to day.  It really doesn't matter if my mouth droops open while using the full mask. Considering I've been a lifelong nighttime drooling kind of guy, I probably should have had a full mask from day 1.

It's strange to say what I'm about to say, but I'll say it because it's true: I didn't feel much like eating today.  I know! Strange! I fell a little short of my 1700 calorie budget, checking in at 1544.  I didn't do a mid-morning or mid-afternoon snack. The urge to eat didn't occur. I still ate well today.  Despite feeling completely exhausted, I held my ground on food--because I wasn't having any compulsions to do otherwise.  That's a good thing.  I don't understand it, but I'm not complaining.

You're invited to take a peek at my daily food pics on Twitter. Most all of them get posted--simply follow @SeanAAnderson
My corresponding food and exercise diary is online too at MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

The best thing I can do right now is fall into bed.

Goodnight and thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

What's Going On With Me?

What's Going On With Me?

Several friends have expressed concern for me lately and I sincerely appreciate their inquires. I thought it best to update anyone else who might be concerned: After two sleep labs and a new cpap machine, my body is still rejecting the therapy. This constant state of exhaustion has taken its toll on me in several ways. It's affected my job, my weight loss, my attitude and emotional well being—basically, it's wreaked havoc. 

It's now affecting my voice, and for someone like me who makes a living by speaking—that's pretty scary. 

I've done okay with food because I know eating more isn't the solution to the issue, even when you're too tired to care most of the time. As far as exercise goes, I haven't lately. Why? Aside from the obvious exhaustion, the lack of rest has had an effect, as if I were staying on my feet constantly, causing extreme swelling to my right leg with lymphatic issues (something that, thanks to weight loss, hasn't been an issue in over 4 years). This effect has left me very cautious about putting too much pressure on it for fear of skin breakage. That hasn't happened and I'm doing whatever I need to do to keep it from happening. 

I received a facebook message from a reader who asked, “You're obviously struggling because you're not posting regularly, so how can you “coach” others in your group with Gerri?” Great question, a fair question indeed. First of all, Gerri is the certified life coach in our group. I am a “coach” too, based exclusively on my personal experiences along this road and my ability to communicate and effectively encourage and offer support, as I've done with hundreds of people over the last five years. My struggles with this medical issue hasn't affected my ability to relate to group members, offer suggestions, inspire and motivate in my unique way. The group helps me too, especially with the support and guidance of group members—and of course Gerri Helms, one of the best life coaches in the business. 

 My goals and plans are wonderful and they're still valid, waiting, if you will, while I attend to my immediate health concerns. I'm taking care of me and doing it the best I can with self- compassion and a realistic approach. I'm scheduled to see a specialist tomorrow afternoon and I'm looking forward to finding solutions to my health concerns.

Thank you for reading and for caring,

Sincerely,

Sean

Of Clarity and Perspective

Of Clarity and Perspective

Just a day after my Monday appointment, I received the call about my sleep study results, including the pressure needed and the home health prescription. The same day, the home health place called and starting working on my insurance company about getting me a new machine.  More on that in a moment!

Wednesday I transported mom to her eye specialist in Oklahoma City. I've been preoccupied during so many visits with mom and she notices every time (call it a mother's intuition). I can't count the times she's asked, "What's wrong, son?" or "Is everything okay?" And most of the time I would sugar coat my answer in an attempt to save her from worry. But she knew. She always knows when I'm "out of alignment" with my truest self. And instead of me "saving her" from worry by clamming up, her concern becomes amplified, because now she must play a guessing game as to what's wrong with her son.

Something was very different during this time we spent together. The difference maker is, I'm taking good care and I'm on the right track. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm maintaining a calorie budget again and I'm dealing with all stressful triggers head on, instead of ignoring them and simply managing the stress they create. We all know how I choose to manage stress. In other words, I'm taking charge of my life on different levels. I'm treating the root cause and not just managing the symptoms, if you will. My preferred treatment of "symptoms" is to eat, and eat some more, taking a temporary escape route where nothing is solved, only made worse by the added guilt and shame that floods in after the brief hiatus from caring. At that point, everything negative is magnified, the result of my natural coping mechanism.

It isn't easy to break away from these dynamics. Not easy at all. But when we declare our independence from these ingrained ways, positive things start clicking and we have some of the purest interactions with the ones we love.  My trip with mom on Wednesday was one of the best we've had. Mom's eyes are doing great, by the way. Again--no surgery needed and another checkup was set for late June. Mom said "I've laughed more this morning than I have in a very long time." I live to see that woman smile and her laugh is music to my ears. We discussed issues important to both of us, with some serious points along the way, but for the most part, we enjoyed observational humor and improvised "stand-up." It was pure joy to laugh so hard and feel so free and once again enjoy our time together, instead of being preoccupied with the countless distractions the quicksand of a downward spiral brings about.

---------------------------

Getting the call from the home health supply place was good. A new machine with precisely the settings I needed was waiting for me. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed this paper attached to the wall:



I can personally attest to most of this list. If my recent doctors check up is any indication, I may have dodged the cardiovascular health issue, at least for now. It would have become a much more serious issue had I let it go, unchecked and rampant, without putting on the brakes and admitting it needed immediate attention.

I left their office with a new machine and a truckload of hope and anticipation of the incredible differences being properly rested will bring. I've had three nights on this new machine and the difference is profound. It isn't perfect as I try to get accustomed to a new headgear and mask, but even with this adjustment period, I still feel more rested than I have in three years. Exactly as I hoped.

-----------------------

A little more than a month ago, I received a message from a man who said he wanted to meet and talk about his weight issues. He told me we had communicated once before about this, but now more than ever, he was ready to sit down and discuss how to start, because like many of us at one time or another, he was stuck in the place where the question "Where and how do I start" weighs heavier than any number we've seen on a scale.  We set a time to meet face to face at the studio and we talked for a while before walking to Subway for a low calorie dinner. If you condensed the resolution to our discussion down to three words, it was "keep it simple."

We met up again Thursday evening and it was a different man in front of me. He was thrilled with the simplicity of using My Fitness Pal for calorie counting. He had been maintaining his calorie budget despite an upside down schedule and a high stress kind of job that takes him to the streets of North Tulsa five nights a week. His recent doctors appointment showed a loss of 6 pounds. He's gained a confidence, calm and patience that was shining through with every word and expression.

He thanked me for taking the time to meet with him again and discussing this road we both travel. And I thanked him. Because let me tell you something---as much as he thinks I'm doing him a favor...he's doing me one equally significant. The support we give and receive is so crucial to our success. And he's the one doing this. He's the one shifting his perspective and making the big and small adjustments. He's the one inspiring, not only me, but everyone around him. He has a very positive road ahead and I'm honored to be riding shotgun.

---------------------

I received an email today from someone who has devoted the last several years to his education and in that pursuit has accomplished his goal of starting a profession that will serve him and many others for the rest of his life. As he prepares for the most difficult final exam of his new career, he was questioning if his reluctance to fully commit to losing weight and the better health it provides was justified or if using his intense education schedule as the barrier, was simply a "cop out." I spent some time thinking about and composing my reply and I think it's something very important to remember:

Whether it's a cop out or not depends on your perspective. My opinion is, it's a valid reason. That's my perspective. And there's a good reason for this perspective.

We both know that it was/is completely possible to take care of our calorie budget and exercise no matter the circumstances. I think we both agree there's a place, a zone that exist, where it doesn't matter...nothing penetrates...no stress, situation, emotion, nothing...nothing, nothing stands in the way... And that's all well and good, except it's missing something.

It's missing the element of self-compassion. When we're in that zone, we set the bar so high that suddenly any deviation whatsoever--even if not acted upon....yes, any deviation, even in thought---becomes a target for self-ridicule and negative emotions.  And that negativity starts an unraveling, then suddenly we feel like we're a million miles away again. This dynamic starts with a resolve based on perfection. Not necessarily perfection in our choices...but perfection in our consistent ability to maintain the budget and exercise.  When our thoughts and actions fail to live up to this level of perfection, we turn on ourselves with blame, guilt and shame...

We must include a level of compassion for ourselves.

I believe the pursuit isn't perfection, it's pursuit of a balance. That balance we're looking for is a place where eating good and exercising naturally becomes part of our daily lives, no matter what we're experiencing. And we accept that it doesn't need to be perfect. We accept that we shouldn't label every circumstance an "excuse" or "cop out." And we know the difference because we're intelligent people. In this "compassionate state," I believe we're actually able to accomplish more than we did before and in a more solid, sustainable fashion--because we're not sabotaging our emotions with negativity.  So the simple answer to your question is, no, it's not a cop out. 

This issue has been a big factor for me this time. This whole self-compassion dynamic has been key for me the last six weeks. I'm practicing compassion and I'm finding balance and success. It's like I'm learning to crawl again, lifting myself up and eventually walk again and then, I will run again. The pressure to be "perfect" has been dismissed, replaced by the ruling majority of better choices and taking one day at a time, one step at a time. And I'll get to where I envision and I'll arrive stronger than I ever imagined.

----------------
Proud grandfather alert!!!
----------------
The video below is my grandson Noah a day after he figured out how to crawl. He too is off to the races and soon he'll be walking, running and jumping. He doesn't ever have impatient thoughts about his development, because he hasn't developed the references needed to form and qualify them. Instead, he happily, confidently and patiently proceeds, doing his best...growing and learning, and progressing on a schedule unique to him. My tender connection to him was never more profound as it was while watching him become emotional and fight against taking his medicine. Without thought, my lip started to quiver and emotion swept through me, as if we had transmitting cables connected between us, feeling each others emotion on the deepest level. Dear Lord, I love that boy.

-------------------
Now that I'm feeling better rested, it's time to exercise more regularly. That's my plan as I continue on, maintaining my 1700 calorie budget. Giving and receiving support is a must-have element to my success. I'd love for you to connect with me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) and My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson).

I'm teaming up once again with Gerri Helms to offer a weekly conference call support group where our small group gets on the phone and we talk about this road, we set individual goals, we share stories and we offer one another tremendous support. This group starts Tuesday March 4th at 7pm Central and every Tuesday after for 6 weeks. The group chemistry that naturally develops through our shared pursuits and struggles, is significantly positive. We still have some spots available in this group if you're interested. For more information, simply send me an email: Sean@transformationroad.com

Thank you for reading and your tremendous support,
Strength,
Sean

The Numbers

The Numbers

What a wonderful feeling it is to be taking care of me. I'm taking good care.  I'm being proactive, facing issues head on and getting results. My second sleep lab Friday night was very good. I didn't sleep as long as I wanted but I slept soundly and perfectly for the first time in over three years.  It was only five and a half hours worth but it was quality.  Again, no instances of central apnea. And now the doctors have the data they need to prescribe me a cpap setting for optimal rest. Yay!

Proper rest will make an incredible difference for me. I'm so excited, I can't even properly explain how much. The self-critical part of me really wants to berate me for waiting so long to fully address the issue. But I'm silencing that inner voice. Because really, inner voice, what good do you expect to accomplish by bringing that up? What's done is done. I've traveled this way for a reason. And now I'm getting back on the main road. I'm not lost anymore. After learning from the previous detours, the only things that matter now are the things ahead.

Today was my blood work follow up doctors appointment and weigh-in. I spent some time replying to a facebook message today concerning weighing and how the scale can affect our emotions. And these effects can be devastating if we allow. As I typed the message, I was also reminding myself to be okay with whatever the results show today.  I've lost 10 pounds.  Is it less than I thought? Yes. Am I okay with this pound every 3.5 day average? YES.  And I'll tell you why I'm okay with it...

With my sleep situation in a critically severe state the last several months, it's taken all the energy I can muster to get back on solid ground with my food. Exhaustion can breed depression and it certainly has with me. I've allowed myself a very lax schedule as far as exercise is concerned. I would have to go back and count the days on my fitness pal, but I'm pretty sure I've purposely exercised maybe 6 times in the last five weeks. This has been an act of self-compassion, a temporary allowance if you will, while I get my sleep situation and food under control. And quite honestly, maintaining a 1700 calorie budget has been a big enough challenge, especially after being "off the rails" for a while. I'm proud of this 10 pounds.  It proves that I can lose weight again!!!!

You know what I mean? When you're in the free-fall of spiraling weight gain it sometimes feels as if losing weight can't possibly happen again. Well, this is proof positive, I can lose weight again!!

I've been so sleep deprived, it's a wonder my metabolism still works at all.  Apparently it does. Perhaps not optimally, but we're going to get there. One step at a time.

My blood work came back phenomenal.  Glucose: 89. Total Cholesterol: 190 Triglycerides: 73 Bad cholesterol: 137 Good cholesterol: 38 Liver: Perfect. Kidneys: Perfect... Sean: Lucky; just flat out blessed.
It's genetics. It's gotta be genetics. I'm truly blessed to get back these kinds of numbers.  Oh--and I almost forgot--my blood pressure was wayyyyyy better. Slightly elevated at 140/88, but a drastic improvement from my last appointment. It wasn't like last time when it was at an "Oh my, this is scary high" type level. Instead the doctor was happy to see it had improved. And it will continue to improve!

What's the plan now? I will continue to allow 1700 calories per day. I will gradually increase exercise (especially after I get the new sleep setting around the end of the week), I will increase my water consumption (something at which I've been notoriously inconsistent-even during my initial weight loss) and I will maintain my level of support through through all the channels I currently use.

Support is key. It's absolutely crucial.  We don't have to attempt to do what we're doing alone. This isn't a solo deal.  I'm using a wonderful social network of support via Facebook, Twitter, this blog and My Fitness Pal.

Starting March 4th I'll add to my support by being a co-facilitator/moderator on a weekly conference call support group. I'm once again partnering with professional life coach Gerri Helms. We still have five or six openings available if you're interested in being a part of this exciting group. The six week session cost $60 total. I can't wait to get into another 6 week session with the calls! It's Tuesday nights at 8 Eastern, 7 Central, 5pm Pacific.  If you're interested, simply email me for more details: sean@transformationroad.com

Wow. What a good day. I really wanted at least 15 pounds, I did---I really did. But you know what? It's coming.  It's straight ahead. And when you're feeling that feeling of determination mixed with a balanced control, the anxiety is lessened... There's peace.  And all of the goals feel attainable once again because you know, aside from a few adjustments here and there, the only other variables you need are patience and time.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Taking Good Care

Taking Good Care

I've been using a borrowed cpap machine post sleep study while I wait for the results and new prescription best for me. I do not recommend this to anyone. A CPAP is specifically set for each person and using one with a high setting if you don't need a high setting could be very dangerous. The only reason I'm okay with doing this is the pressure setting on the borrowed machine is 7, which is relatively low. It's not the higher level of pressure I need, but it's something. The very dear friend who loaned me the machine has recently lost a considerable amount of weight and lucky for him, he seems to be relieved of the disorder. His machine wasn't in use and hadn't been for some time, so out of desperation I gladly accepted his offer to let me borrow. The first night wasn't good because I wasn't accustomed to this type of continuous positive pressure. After learning what little I did from the sleep technician (about the absence of central apnea episodes) there wasn't anyway I was strapping the bipap to my head again. Not wanting to go without something to encourage breathing, I'm using this machine until I get my own with the custom settings.  My rest has improved each night as I adjust to a different kind of air pressure flowing through the tube. I even made it through an entire work day without needing to take an extended nap break! It isn't perfect, I'm still tired but I'm not body breaking down exhausted, and that's a very nice improvement.

Taking good care takes constant effort and awareness. It also takes reaching out to people for support. It's a powerful thing, the role support plays in this journey. At some point I think I resigned myself to the belief that it was just too hard to care anymore, given the circumstances. But honestly, that's baloney, and further--it's a very counterproductive attitude and perspective to adopt.

With support coming in from all sides of the social media universe and the tremendous support from close friends far and near, I've successfully made it two weeks without a binge. I've drawn on my own spirituality many times during this period and that's having a giant impact too. I'm also not giving in or sacrificing what I need and what's best for me in order to be more available or pleasing to anyone else. That last sentence is a biggie because my very nature is to be a people-pleaser, at all costs. And what happens when I sacrifice what's best for me today, right now--in this moment...is, no matter how small, the start of an unraveling of sorts. This focus or "obsession" as I've heard it called, is paramount to my success at this juncture. My health and well being is at stake and I'm getting all sorts of "obsessed" about taking care of me.

When it comes to what I'm eating, I'm a little more selective than when I started losing weight over 5 years ago.  I find myself naturally staying away from simple sugars and eating more fruits. I'm eating more protein most of the time, at least according to the nutrition breakdown on My Fitness Pal. I'm a creature of habit too. My breakfast is most always the same and I have other staples I rely on throughout each day and evening. I'm fairly careful with my calorie investments because when the 1700 in the bank is depleted, I'm done.

There is a mountain of research information about nutrition and so much I don't know or haven't taken the time to understand.  After all I've learned along this road, I'm still very much in the "lower calories-more movement" equals weight loss. And I'm there despite the fact that perhaps with a few tweaks here and there, I could fine tune and manipulate how my body burns fat; how the metabolism operates. I'm still learning and most importantly, my mind is open to learning. Although I'm very careful not to take too much in at once or else I'll get overwhelmed and that could lead to frustration and feelings of inadequacy...neither good for me at this point.

My first official weigh-in will be February 11th at my doctors visit.  I have a complete fasting blood lab scheduled for the 7th and the follow up appointment is the 11th. I'm fine with this lengthy time between weigh-ins. I've talked about and written extensively about the psychological power the scale seems to wield, especially when weight isn't coming off as quickly as we had hoped. It's also powerful when it does and when a big loss is recorded it sets the expectation bar really high and when results slow, it can be very disappointing.  So a relaxed weighing schedule is okay for me, perhaps monthly. Yeah..once a month at my doctors office, same scale...I can do that easily.

I've recently strapped on my "I'm Choosing Change" leather bracelet and I'm wearing it proudly. I hadn't sold one in so long, I think my manufacturer/supplier had given up on me. Then, out of the blue I received an order from Mona. I immediately sent Mona a message explaining I was out of stock and it might be a few weeks for me to have more of these custom made bracelets produced.  She was fine with this, so I called the supplier. The minimum I can have produced at one time is 20.  So I ordered the minimum. Yesterday I decided to offer up these 19 additional bracelets on facebook and the response was phenomenal. If you were one of the people ordering, thank you! Within hours the 19 were sold out. Then I received a few more orders. I will ship the first 20 orders and have an additional 20 manufactured next week. If you haven't bought yours, maybe now's the time! Once again, I'll have a surplus of 17!

I'm not a very good salesman, I'll admit. I never "push" anything really. This blog isn't a platform for sales, never has been. But I would like to move these additional bracelets.

If you would like to order one, simply click this link http://www.transformationroad.com/505store.html scroll to the bottom of the page and you'll see pictures of this fantastic bracelet! The $18.00 price includes shipping anywhere in the world.  The international rates are a little pricey, but that's okay--I'd love you to have one regardless of where you are. The "add to cart" button takes you to a secure PayPal site for your purchase.

Thank you for reading and your support.  I sincerely appreciate every single well wish and prayer. I'm doing my best to read as many blogs and postings of others and offering my support as I can. I'm also loving the tight support offered in My Fitness Pal. My social media network includes Facebook, Twitter, this blog of course and My Fitness Pal. You can also reach me by email anytime.

My best always,
Strength,
Sean

The Sleep Issue

The Sleep Issue

One of the major challenges I experienced after hitting goal in November 2010 was a horrible return of my sleep apnea.  It was something I honestly thought was gone forever because after the first 100 pounds lost, it virtually disappeared. Suddenly I could sleep, breathe and feel fully rested without a cpap machine and I rejoiced! But then it came back somewhere around the 200 pounds lost mark.  I've since discussed this with sleep lab technicians and a doctor who all confirmed this was a common occurrence.  I quickly reinstated the use of my cpap when the symptoms started happening again. But this time it wasn't working like it did before.  I was still exhausted everyday.  A month after hitting 230 pounds, I underwent the first of two sleep studies over a two month period. The final diagnosis was sleep apnea and central apnea.  Things had changed dramatically. I had never heard of central apnea.

So I quickly googled it: "Central sleep apnea occurs because your brain doesn't send proper signals to the muscles that control your breathing. This condition is different from obstructive sleep apnea, in which you can't breathe normally because of upper airway obstruction. Central sleep apnea is less common than obstructive sleep apnea. Central sleep apnea may occur as a result of other conditions, such as heart failure and stroke. Sleeping at a high altitude also may cause central sleep apnea." 

I had both. Obstructive and this less common, brain doesn't work central version. The treatment involved a different type of machine. I started using this new machine and I was still tired. It wasn't easy to get comfortable with this bipap at all. My body would fight it most of the time and most nights the mask would end up off by morning. Sleeping without it seemed the better alternative.  I stayed active during this time, continued eating within a reasonable budget and exercising. I successfully maintained the 275 pound loss for a year and a half. And I rarely made it through a full night on the bipap. I made it a habit to nap almost everyday in an effort to make up for the lost sleep.  Honestly, it didn't make too much sense trying to make up for bad sleep with more bad sleep, but as it became worse, I became desperate.  

Eventually I forced myself to use the bipap machine and soon I was making it through the night. It wasn't ever effective, at least not to the "night and day" degree of my previous cpap experience.  As my sleep became worse, I became more and more depressed, less inclined to exercise and basically lethargic. This wasn't how being at a healthy weight was supposed to feel!  Instead of being proactive and speaking up, I took a negative approach--citing the expense and trouble of possibly needing another sleep lab to help fix whatever was wrong this time. Instead of figuring out a way to do what was medically necessary for me to take better care of myself, I fell into a pattern of bad sleep, nap in the middle of the day, followed by bad sleep again the next night.  During this time I started regaining at a steady rate.

I'm not offering this as an excuse of any sort. It was/is a circumstance and my attitude and reaction to it wasn't the best course for me.  And this wasn't the only circumstance contributing, there were relationship issues and a few other things contributing to this depressive cycle.  Depression breeds things to be depressed about, you know what I mean?

But this post isn't about the why of where I am. This post is about me being proactive and taking better care of myself now, today.  

The apnea has worsened recently.  At the same time I've declared to take better care by maintaining a balance with food and exercise, writing more and getting a handle once again, I've been exhausted worse than ever. Despite this, I'm thrilled to report that reclaiming this balance has brought me tremendous support and strength and I'm doing wonderfully with food. Exercise has been another story. But in the name of compassion for me, I'm okay with a lighter exercise schedule for now. I clearly must get this sleep issue treated immediately because untreated, it's making everything ten times harder, not to mention what it's doing to my metabolism. Tuesday morning I drove to work feeling unfit to drive. I somehow made it through my radio show but not without a few slurred words here and there and what might have sounded like a slight intoxication. I was sent home immediately after a 9:30am meeting and told to get some sleep. But isn't that the most frustrating thing? That's all I want to do! But I can't. I called the doctor as soon as I got home and I must have impressed an urgency on the nurse because the doctor called me directly a short time later. I expressed to him how horrible things had become and asked for an emergency sleep study or a fast track appointment, something---anything...I just need relief.

Yesterday afternoon the nurse called back and had me an appointment for a sleep study that night in Stillwater. Talk about an answer to a prayer!

I was asked about my previous sleep lab studies during my intake. I mentioned the sleep apnea and central apnea diagnosis.  The technician stopped me and asked, "Did you have some kind of brain trauma?" No, I haven't had any kind of brain trauma that I know of in my past...and she said "Usually central starts as a result of trauma."  Hmmmm. Okay.  She continued hooking me up to all kinds of sensors and the sleep study started.

It was purely diagnostic, meaning I slept without a machine of any kind. And when I woke, I found out something very interesting.

The sleep technician monitoring me all night said she couldn't say too much, because the official reading would come from the doctor, but she wanted me to know that there wasn't any occurrence of central apnea. Not one. All night.

Which leads me to believe I was possibly misdiagnosed during the sleep labs from three years ago. This would explain why I never adapted to or benefited from the medical device prescribed to correct the issue. This explains so much!  Perhaps now I can get back to a regular cpap machine and finally find some rest. 

This is all a part of taking better care of me. This is what it's all about. 

As far as what I'm doing with food and exercise: I'm staying within a 1700 calorie budget. I've only walked a few times in the last week and a half.  When I say "My food has been good," what I mean is, I've been within my budget and I haven't binged.  I look forward to increasing my exercise and getting back some stamina. My goodness how quickly it goes! One mile and I'm hurting and out of breath!! I was doing 5 and 10 K's without too much difficulty--and now a mile is tough! But that's OKAY! :) Really--it is. And I know how quickly it returns with consistency.  

Given the circumstances, I'm proud of where I am.  I'm back and it feels good. And I'm doing a fabulous job of being compassionate toward me... And considering I didn't really know what that meant at one point, I'm figuring it out and it's a much better way of being.

I found some Joseph's 60 calorie pita's during my most recent shopping trip so needless to say it's been a regular feature of breakfast for me and even lunch as you'll see in the photo below.  I've also included a picture of Noah and me playing with the camera phone. Noah is my 6 month old grandson! I'm a 42 year old gramps, can you believe it?

Looking forward to the road ahead! Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean


Recent lunch: Chicken and Cheese Pita Pizzas with a side of watermelon! It was a little too much actually, checking in at 574 calories. I was full 3/4 of the way.


The highlight of 2013, for sure: My grandson Noah Riley was born July 6th, 2013 to my daughter Courtney.  In this photo, Noah is constantly fascinated by the phone.  He really wants to drool all over my phone! Total accident that the inspirational message on the wall behind was "photo bombing" us. It reads: "It's never too late to live happily ever after." Very nice.