May 24th, 2014 Taking Extraordinary Care
This has been a very long day. I'm so relieved it's over! I knew in order for me to accomplish everything I needed to accomplish today, it would take sticking to a plan. This is the kind of day I could have easily said, oh well, it's one day...but I didn't and I'm reaping the positive feelings that come with a plan well executed. And I did it all without getting electrocuted. I'll explain in a few.
The positive momentum has been building and now it's important for me to not get too excited. I must relax into the groove of this momentum and remember to take it one day at a time. I still make a point to visualize my success each day. Sometimes it's very tempting to get ahead of myself, I certainly know I did during my initial transformation. But this is what happens when you're feeling great. Suddenly, you're thinking about all of your future possibilities. And it's about so much more than weight loss. This excitement within me is about everything under the sun. Never before has an epiphany effected me in such a profound way, as the ones discussed in the May 15th and May 17th posts. I've been blessed with several since starting this journey in 2008 and some of them have made a huge impact...but this one, wow...all of the others are awesome, but they pale in comparison.
In the last week I've given much thought to my next book. I'm not quite ready to write it, I still have more to experience-more to learn, but I certainly have been considering the message. Again, getting ahead of myself. I think, "The Other Side of The Scale--Now What?" is a good working title...Okay--see? Ahead of myself, right. The most important things for me right now are to take the best care of me I can and continue to develop organically, in positive ways.
I hit the elliptical at the YMCA this afternoon ahead of my big wedding night dj experience. I'm having fun at the Y and it shows in my attitude and intensity of the workout. Walking in there with this new perspective has been an amazing blessing. Walking at the trail would have worked wonderfully and I could have continued to avoid the Y because of all of the irrational fears I was carrying. I'm so glad I let it go. Just let it go. Dropped them and made my way in. It was a great move.
The 60% chance of rain tonight quickly turned into a 100% chance of heavy thundershowers. And it did at the same time I was set to load in and set up my equipment for a wedding. I was using an open pickup truck to transport and when it started to come down in sheets with big cloud to ground lightening strikes, I had to move quickly to get the equipment someplace dry. As I started unloading as quickly as possible, the rain and lightening started coming heavier and heavier. It was a complete washout. Every part of me was soaked, down to my unmentionables. I looked and felt like I had jumped in a pool fully clothed. Most of the tents for this outdoor event were blown down (including the tent assigned to my setup), some looked destroyed. The photographer's portable photo booth was a complete loss. Good thing it was a big home with an extra large covered patio. That's where we eventually set up most everything. The first song I played was Luke Bryan's "Rain Is A Good Thing," they didn't fire me for the obvious joke and we were off and running to what turned out to be a fantastic event despite the rough start. I mean really, we do need the rain.
I packed a dinner that resembled a lunch, with a sandwich and three kinds of fruit. After discovering what elaborate catering means for 250 people, I could have easily navigated the selections and stayed on plan. But I didn't know that going into this night. Taking the time to plan my food for this event is about more than the food. It's about making me and my needs important. Taking the best care of me, in this case meant packing dinner. The caterer approached me at one point to ask "what's that on your plate?" It was my smoked ham and swiss on a 100 calorie multi-grain sandwich thin. She seemed a little taken aback. Probably not too many people bring their own food to a wedding reception. The wedding planner set up the cake table right next to me. I haven't laid eyes on so many beautiful cakes in all my life. But that was the only attention I gave the cake table. Enough to acknowledge the obvious quality and quantity, but not even the first thought of consuming the sugar.
I can't deny the obvious benefits from cutting out 99% of sugar from my daily intake. It's meant no binges or urges to binge, at all. And that's nothing short of miraculous for me. Sugar is listed as an ingredient in the non-dairy powdered coffee creamer I use every morning--but other than that, and the recent "sugar in my marinara" discovery, I've been nearly sugar free for well over a month now. The amount of sugar in the creamer must be minuscule because it hasn't bothered me at all.
In last night's post I mentioned being insecure in my abilities as a mobile dj. It's completely different than what I do as a radio personality. The thing is, the title of "dj" is often applied to both--so the line gets blurred. I'm happy to report it went very well, nothing like I feared. It was fun!
It's another late night for me. My #lastfoodofday was a simple egg white omelet with a few mushrooms and a slice of mozzarella for 109 calories. The #lastfoodofday hashtag on my Twitter page has acted as a book-end for me. When I use it, that's it, I'm done for the day. Feel free to use it too!
I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning. Or, I guess I should say, this morning.
Thank you for reading!
Strength,
Sean
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
May 17th, 2014 I Haven't Been The Same
May 17th, 2014 I Haven't Been The Same
It's been over 48 hours since the epiphany on the way to the YMCA that I wrote about in the May 15th post. And I still can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I was given a secret to a great mystery. This concept I discussed as it applies to me is universal too. This will be my TED Talk someday. Oh yeah, I don't think I've ever expressed my dream of speaking at a TED Conference. It will happen sometime within the next five years. I've envisioned it in detail, watching my imagination's best version. I'm 100% serious.
Once understood, finding the core of who I am and have always been required a simple question: What are the qualities in me that do not change? If I'm 500 pounds or 230 pounds, what positive attributes do I possess at both of those weights? The same question can be applied to other things, example: If I won the lottery tomorrow, what positive qualities about me would remain from my previous financial existence? These core qualities are the ones with us through it all. Stability and certainty, instability and uncertainty. The list includes not only the way our brain works through compassion, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. It also includes our likes and dislikes, our roles as parents and grandparents--the things that bring us joy and peace, love and laughter. These things are often overlooked because identity and self-worth has been attached to something that fluctuates.
My identity and self-worth was always hooked onto my weight. Someone else's identity and self-worth might be tied to their bank account. And another's might be tied to whether or not they perceive their current station in life as stable or unstable. Still another's might rely on the progression of their career. All of these things fluctuate. And through it all, we're still who we are within our core qualities.
In order for these core qualities to flourish and enrich our lives to the fullest, they must be loved and nurtured like watering a plant. If they're neglected, they wilt and wither. I believe this is from where the expression "I feel dead inside" comes. And when identity and self worth is attached to anything else, these positive attributes get neglected on both sides of whatever is fluctuating. When the changing source of identity and self-worth is moving in a positive direction, we feel great about ourselves. And when the source is moving in a negative direction we feel worse about ourselves. Then we get into a tug of war, constantly battling to feel good.
We've all heard, "Happiness must come from within." Now I understand how that can happen and I understand how it doesn't happen when we rely on external things that change. Money doesn't buy happiness. Losing weight doesn't magically fix us. Getting the big promotion or settling down into a relationship doesn't do it either. We're truly free when our identity and self-worth is authentically attached to the core qualities of who we are. And the best thing?? It can NEVER be taken away from us, no matter what.
About today...
I've never felt more determined to take the best care of me than I do right now. And taking the best care will ultimately result in a healthy body weight once again.
I didn't plan my food very well today, that's for sure. I ate well, don't get me wrong--but I ending up skipping lunch, had an early dinner and found I had 524 calories remaining afterward. Then I was asked by a friend to be the designated driver for their wedding party, and I accepted the responsibility--not eating another thing until I returned home after midnight. My #lastfoodofday was a turkey burger with onion, swiss and a Laughing Cow French Onion wedge and I still ended the day with 151 calories unclaimed in the Calorie Bank and Trust account. I'll plan better tomorrow!
It was a great day for many reasons. I got up and caught up on a few emails, read some other blogs, took care of some business at the bank and post office, then went into work to catch up on a few things before heading to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the trusty elliptical.
I'm telling you--since this whole identity-self worth thing hit on Thursday night, I haven't been the same person. My friend whom I was driving tonight asked me, "Have you been drinking?" No!! Is the change in me that noticeable?? Perhaps I'm a little giddy. And you know why?
It's because I've spent my entire life not understanding how to genuinely love myself and just be okay. And please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I've figured it all out, but I'm exploring areas and things long forgotten, things sacrificed by the pursuit of fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Now I'm contemplating a very exciting question: What can I accomplish now that my strongest embrace is around the things that matter most? Redefining the list of things that make me worthy of all things good is like giving myself permission to soar, no matter the direction of the wind.
As I continue my journey back to a healthier body weight and beyond, I've put into place some high accountability tools. I've committed to tweeting a picture, description and calorie count of anything and everything I eat. And I'm keeping the Calorie Bank up to date with a MyFitnessPal food and exercise log.
Join me on Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson And SeanAAnderson on MyFitnessPal.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
It's been over 48 hours since the epiphany on the way to the YMCA that I wrote about in the May 15th post. And I still can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I was given a secret to a great mystery. This concept I discussed as it applies to me is universal too. This will be my TED Talk someday. Oh yeah, I don't think I've ever expressed my dream of speaking at a TED Conference. It will happen sometime within the next five years. I've envisioned it in detail, watching my imagination's best version. I'm 100% serious.
Once understood, finding the core of who I am and have always been required a simple question: What are the qualities in me that do not change? If I'm 500 pounds or 230 pounds, what positive attributes do I possess at both of those weights? The same question can be applied to other things, example: If I won the lottery tomorrow, what positive qualities about me would remain from my previous financial existence? These core qualities are the ones with us through it all. Stability and certainty, instability and uncertainty. The list includes not only the way our brain works through compassion, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. It also includes our likes and dislikes, our roles as parents and grandparents--the things that bring us joy and peace, love and laughter. These things are often overlooked because identity and self-worth has been attached to something that fluctuates.
My identity and self-worth was always hooked onto my weight. Someone else's identity and self-worth might be tied to their bank account. And another's might be tied to whether or not they perceive their current station in life as stable or unstable. Still another's might rely on the progression of their career. All of these things fluctuate. And through it all, we're still who we are within our core qualities.
In order for these core qualities to flourish and enrich our lives to the fullest, they must be loved and nurtured like watering a plant. If they're neglected, they wilt and wither. I believe this is from where the expression "I feel dead inside" comes. And when identity and self worth is attached to anything else, these positive attributes get neglected on both sides of whatever is fluctuating. When the changing source of identity and self-worth is moving in a positive direction, we feel great about ourselves. And when the source is moving in a negative direction we feel worse about ourselves. Then we get into a tug of war, constantly battling to feel good.
We've all heard, "Happiness must come from within." Now I understand how that can happen and I understand how it doesn't happen when we rely on external things that change. Money doesn't buy happiness. Losing weight doesn't magically fix us. Getting the big promotion or settling down into a relationship doesn't do it either. We're truly free when our identity and self-worth is authentically attached to the core qualities of who we are. And the best thing?? It can NEVER be taken away from us, no matter what.
About today...
I've never felt more determined to take the best care of me than I do right now. And taking the best care will ultimately result in a healthy body weight once again.
I didn't plan my food very well today, that's for sure. I ate well, don't get me wrong--but I ending up skipping lunch, had an early dinner and found I had 524 calories remaining afterward. Then I was asked by a friend to be the designated driver for their wedding party, and I accepted the responsibility--not eating another thing until I returned home after midnight. My #lastfoodofday was a turkey burger with onion, swiss and a Laughing Cow French Onion wedge and I still ended the day with 151 calories unclaimed in the Calorie Bank and Trust account. I'll plan better tomorrow!
It was a great day for many reasons. I got up and caught up on a few emails, read some other blogs, took care of some business at the bank and post office, then went into work to catch up on a few things before heading to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the trusty elliptical.
I'm telling you--since this whole identity-self worth thing hit on Thursday night, I haven't been the same person. My friend whom I was driving tonight asked me, "Have you been drinking?" No!! Is the change in me that noticeable?? Perhaps I'm a little giddy. And you know why?
It's because I've spent my entire life not understanding how to genuinely love myself and just be okay. And please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I've figured it all out, but I'm exploring areas and things long forgotten, things sacrificed by the pursuit of fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Now I'm contemplating a very exciting question: What can I accomplish now that my strongest embrace is around the things that matter most? Redefining the list of things that make me worthy of all things good is like giving myself permission to soar, no matter the direction of the wind.
As I continue my journey back to a healthier body weight and beyond, I've put into place some high accountability tools. I've committed to tweeting a picture, description and calorie count of anything and everything I eat. And I'm keeping the Calorie Bank up to date with a MyFitnessPal food and exercise log.
Join me on Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson And SeanAAnderson on MyFitnessPal.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Friday, May 9, 2014
May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me
May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me
I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain. When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.
I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction. I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did. I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point. When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast. Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right. It sets the tone for me. I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about. It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.
Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group. He shared many things I needed to hear. One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance. It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.
The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort. It's a shift in perspective. When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair??? You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff. Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying. But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.
The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze! My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way. And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose.
I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA. I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.
I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment. Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.
The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today. If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson. Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully. And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain. When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.
I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction. I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did. I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point. When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."
My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast. Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right. It sets the tone for me. I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about. It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.
Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group. He shared many things I needed to hear. One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance. It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.
The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort. It's a shift in perspective. When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair??? You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff. Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying. But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.
The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze! My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way. And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose.
I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA. I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.
I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment. Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.
The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today. If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson. Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully. And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Thursday, May 8, 2014
May 8th, 2014 Panic!
May 8th, 2014 Panic!
Today was a good day, although a little more challenging. It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.
I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.
This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd. I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all. I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give. I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be. So I said yes.
I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion. And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage. Then I started having a panic attack. I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days. I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...
After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight. I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...
As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan. They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music. Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"
Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.
Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there. I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script. I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra.
I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.
I finished and immediately left the venue. I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting. Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night. My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.
The road back seems much harder than the initial trip. But I'm loving it and learning through it. And I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was a good day, although a little more challenging. It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.
I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.
This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd. I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all. I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give. I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be. So I said yes.
I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion. And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage. Then I started having a panic attack. I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days. I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...
After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight. I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...
As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan. They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music. Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"
Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.
Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there. I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script. I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra.
I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.
I finished and immediately left the venue. I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting. Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night. My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.
The road back seems much harder than the initial trip. But I'm loving it and learning through it. And I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day
May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day
Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional. I woke up feeling rested. I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.
I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...
"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"
I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show. I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff. I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long. Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good. So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.
I must stop right here.
You see...
I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year. I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay. But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain. And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma. It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building. I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.
I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see. If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too. Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe. In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves. And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?
Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"
Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."
Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"
Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."
Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"
Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."
Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."
That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.
Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.
I checked in and went straight for the locker room. I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me. I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.
I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How?? My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.
The songs were speaking to me...
OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."
DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."
Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."
"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me. It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."
I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride. It's beyond description.
What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice. And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five. As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!
I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world. Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom. It was good.
Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully. You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505 The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson
I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional. I woke up feeling rested. I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.
I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...
"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"
I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show. I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff. I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long. Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good. So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.
I must stop right here.
You see...
I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year. I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay. But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain. And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma. It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building. I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.
I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see. If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too. Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe. In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves. And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?
Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"
Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."
Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"
Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."
Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"
Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."
Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."
That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.
Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.
I checked in and went straight for the locker room. I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me. I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.
I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How?? My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.
The songs were speaking to me...
OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."
DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."
Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."
"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me. It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."
I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride. It's beyond description.
What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice. And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five. As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!
I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world. Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom. It was good.
Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully. You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505 The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson
I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Monday, May 5, 2014
May 5th, 2014 What If?
May 5th, 2014 What If?
I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night. I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided. What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue. I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.
I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...
What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined? What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am? What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters? What would happen if I set myself free? What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation? That would be a transformation! And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if? I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.
These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours. I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.
I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.
You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson. And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count. Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!" No, not at all. It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me. Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me. If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night. I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided. What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue. I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.
I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...
What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined? What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am? What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters? What would happen if I set myself free? What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation? That would be a transformation! And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if? I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.
These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours. I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.
I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.
You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson. And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count. Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!" No, not at all. It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me. Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me. If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Monday, April 28, 2014
April 28th, 2014 Turning Off The Self-Judgment
April 28th, 2014 Turning Off
The Self-Judgment
I'm a creature of habit. My breakfast
menu usually has two options: Eggs and sometimes cheese, wrapped in a
Joseph's 60 calorie pita, or placed on a 100 calorie sandwich thin if
the pitas aren't available. Or steel cut oats and perhaps a few
scrambled egg whites. Rarely, in a tight pinch—if I wake up too
late to prepare, I've allowed a fruit and maple oatmeal and scrambled
eggs or a fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonald's. I've pretty much
concluded the McDonald's Oatmeal and the parfait options need to go
simply because each contain a significant amount of sugar. And for
me, sugar is like a drug.
Is it possible for me to start my day
with a double dose of sugar and still maintain my calorie budget
throughout the day? Yes, I've done it. But, in making those choices
I'm choosing to make things much harder. And just to be fair—I've
started the day like that many times before and spiraled out of control in a feeding
frenzy before sundown, check that—before noon. This cause
and effect self-analysis isn't something I've always considered or
realized about myself, it's a fairly new epiphany, as in the last
couple of years.
When someone is just getting started
and they ask me for advice, I stand behind exactly what I did from
the beginning. I tell them to maintain a calorie budget and
exercise, period. I tell them, “eat what you like and nothing
you don't. Don't complicate this process. Get accustomed to eating
less, naturally. Focus on maintaining the integrity of your calorie
budget and you'll naturally evolve into making better choices along
the way.” And I go on: “You can get fancy later. If
you're like I was, simply cutting down to an intake best suited for
weight loss is a big enough victory in the beginning. Start with
this and allow your natural evolution of good choices to unfold.”
Of course the conversation also turns to the emotional and
psychological side of this very big battle most of us have in common. We all know this is about much more than food and exercise.
I find myself in an awkward position
lately. I have traveled over five years along this road and I've
learned a great deal about myself and now I tend to be more critical
of my own food choices. And some of those, like the sugar, for good
reason. But what happens is, if I choose something that I've
mentally noted isn't good for me, I immediately bring about negative
feelings about what I'm doing. Does this make sense? I can
make myself feel like a failure even when the choice fit nicely
within my Calorie Bank and Trust. Even if it's something I enjoyed
and even celebrated along the way of my initial success.
I didn't eat fruit and maple oatmeal
from McDonald's this morning or a parfait. I did prepare my usual
eggs and cheese wrapped in a Joseph's pita—and it was delicious. I
had some fresh fruit for snacks and I enjoyed a fabulous lunch and
dinner too. So where does this line of thought come from? I stopped
at the grocery store on the way home. It takes me so much longer to
shop now because I'm judging everything I put into my basket. Why
am I doing this to myself? I believe it's because I've raised
the bar of expectation very high. And while it's good to raise the
bar as you go and ascend to new confident levels—I must recognize
when retreating to the basics is imperative for my stability. If I
continue to struggle living up to the highest expectations I've set
for myself, then I'll continue to be disappointed in myself when I
fall a little short. And the negative consequences of those emotions
are not acceptable any longer.
I am retreating to the basics with a
few exceptions. Anything high sugar or high fat is a minefield for
me, so I'll tread lightly or not at all with those. I'm more
specifically proclaiming: I will be less self-critical and
self-judgmental. Because here's the bare truth: The barriers I've
created within myself via shame and guilt—the avoiding pictures,
the dreading public appearances and doing my best to avoid seeing
people I haven't in a long while for fear they'll judge me or be
disappointed in me---these barriers have been built with my own
self-judgment and disappointment in me...and I've been amplifying and
projecting it upon others. No more of that insanity. My fear of receiving this from others is actually a reflection of my own judgment!
In order to return to my healthiest
weight and be more fit than ever, I have to embrace where I am, who I
am and what I'm doing. And feel good about it 100%. And be kind to
myself. Is it hard sometimes? Yes it is, very. And I don't
necessarily understand all of the psychological dynamics of why I
treat myself the way I do sometimes. But I know for certain that
breaking this habit of self-sabotage is key to the healthiest visions
of my future.
I'm headed to the trail for a good
walk. It'll compliment all the stair climbing I did today. I don't
even count the stair climbing normally—but today I noticed because
it was unusually high between work and home, maybe 20 flights of
stairs? That's fairly accurate.
I can't even begin to express how much
consistently writing is helping me. It makes all the difference in
the world. I look forward to so many incredible things ahead.
I'd love you to join me on twitter: @SeanAAnderson and on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson
Thank you for reading and for your
incredible support,
Strength,
Sean
Thursday, April 24, 2014
April 24th, 2014 The Puzzle
April 24th, 2014 The Puzzle
The visit with the sleep specialist was powerful to me, like a wake up call of sorts. "How fit were you at 230?" Wow, great question Doc! Not too much, really. Sure, it was all cardio that got me there, never really kick starting the weight training I often fantasized about accomplishing. I was satisfied with being much smaller and discovering the body underneath the thickness that was me for so long. It wasn't the fittest body for sure, but miles from the five hundred pound body I maintained for so long. The fact that body composition plays a role in getting good sleep makes perfect sense. Time for a new goal? Time to strive for not just weight loss, but overall fitness? Time to hit the weights? Sure! But I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
First thing is getting regulated on a consistent schedule of maintaining the calorie budget, exercising and writing in this blog. Those are the elements that worked before. Now here's the deal: For various reasons, namely the automatic compulsion to compare my performance today to what I did back then, I've found it isn't as simple as doing what I did from the beginning. There's a whole new awakening, volumes of study about myself that I was blissfully unaware of in the Fall of 2008. I may have referred to myself as a food addict back then, but I wasn't educated to know what all that meant and how it played a significant role in my life. So now, maintaining a calorie budget, exercising and writing consistently, requires an additional commitment to fundamentals all recovering addicts must embrace. Getting to a healthy weight and being more physically fit and living a life of good practice conducive to proper maintenance, is the goal. It's about so much more than simply losing the weight.
A big part of this journey is being okay with me. Before I go into a thousand word explanation, I'll just leave it at that. You know what I mean--self compassion, turning off (or at the least-turning down) the critical voice inside that keeps insisting I'm not good enough or not deserving enough or whatever. I'm not a therapist, but I talk with one regularly. What I've learned has been invaluable to my understanding of the human science, the petri dish of experience that has grown into me today. The common misconception is that knowing and possessing a better understanding of these connections automatically makes breaking away from their hold easier. It does not. I've gained significant weight throughout my therapy process but I've also gained an invaluable education about me. So what good is it? The important thing, in my opinion, is to realize it's only a piece of our puzzle. And putting our puzzle together requires more than just having the knowledge of what we do and why we do it, it requires deliberate actions. Simply having a good idea of where the pieces fit doesn't solve the puzzle, you gotta get hands on those pieces--you gotta be willing to physically work the puzzle. Is it always easy? NO. Will we get stuck occasionally? YES. Do we give up and wipe the puzzle into the floor? NEVER.
And from this day forward, this blog will be about deliberate actions. If you've read from the beginning of this blog or at least part of the first couple of years, you'll recognize exactly what it is. A daily diary. Now...I can't guarantee I won't go off on a philosophical tangent every now and again, because it comes very easy for me to do---and I'll occasionally get creative--but for the most part, it could get a little boring along the way...at least until you see what's happening and how it's unfolding.
--------------------
I hit the snooze bar twice this morning for an additional 18 minutes of sleep. By the time I hit the floor there wasn't much time for anything but the routine of getting out the door on time. Abbreviating my time for prayer and meditation isn't the best thing to do, but it's often what happens after a night of restlessness.
I make coffee and start breakfast (three whole eggs wrapped in a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita) cooking on low while I get showered and dressed. Multitasking all the way to the door with exactly enough time to drive to the studio, sit down, key the mic and sound as if I'm the most refreshed person in the world. "Good morning, it's 68 degrees--warm start for us as we go to New York for the latest from ABC..." I made it. And I'll be okay until the 10am split.
My employer has allowed me to adopt a split shift schedule throughout this sleep crisis and it's worked relatively well. I'm toast without the midday nap, so for the most productive version of me in the afternoon, it's become fairly important. This split schedule isn't ideal really and I look forward to getting my sleep puzzle sorted out and put together so I can function in a more normal way.
I cooked a large and lean sirloin steak during my midday split and it served me for lunch and dinner. I prepared steak and cheese crunchy tacos for lunch with mozzarella and salsa and for dinner I made a big steak and cheese omelet. I also snacked on apple slices today. I brought a bag of apples to work this afternoon to keep in the studio kitchen.
I arrived home shortly after 5pm and although I didn't plan on taking another nap, I quickly realized my body was insisting, so I complied to a regulated hour (alarm set) nap. Prepared dinner, listened to a small portion of one of my favorite podcasts (Marc Maron's WTF), made a trip to the store and then to the trail for some exercise. I had a good walk.
My right leg seems to be improving and that's good. Because when it's swollen, it's very hard to justify any kind of exercise that might stress the leg and cause painful sores. It's a catch 22--because the exercise helps me lose weight and the weight loss dramatically improves the leg swelling. In order to continue exercising consistently, I'll likely need to start wrapping with compression bandages designed specifically for lymphatic issues. And that's okay. Whatever it takes.
As I write this, I'm under my calorie budget for the day, I've exercised and I've written a blog post. I'll be hitting the pillow shortly with the confidence in knowing that I did well today. And this feeling, when duplicated consistently, has the power to create some seriously positive momentum!
Goodnight, thank you for reading,
Good choices,
Strength,
Sean
The visit with the sleep specialist was powerful to me, like a wake up call of sorts. "How fit were you at 230?" Wow, great question Doc! Not too much, really. Sure, it was all cardio that got me there, never really kick starting the weight training I often fantasized about accomplishing. I was satisfied with being much smaller and discovering the body underneath the thickness that was me for so long. It wasn't the fittest body for sure, but miles from the five hundred pound body I maintained for so long. The fact that body composition plays a role in getting good sleep makes perfect sense. Time for a new goal? Time to strive for not just weight loss, but overall fitness? Time to hit the weights? Sure! But I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
First thing is getting regulated on a consistent schedule of maintaining the calorie budget, exercising and writing in this blog. Those are the elements that worked before. Now here's the deal: For various reasons, namely the automatic compulsion to compare my performance today to what I did back then, I've found it isn't as simple as doing what I did from the beginning. There's a whole new awakening, volumes of study about myself that I was blissfully unaware of in the Fall of 2008. I may have referred to myself as a food addict back then, but I wasn't educated to know what all that meant and how it played a significant role in my life. So now, maintaining a calorie budget, exercising and writing consistently, requires an additional commitment to fundamentals all recovering addicts must embrace. Getting to a healthy weight and being more physically fit and living a life of good practice conducive to proper maintenance, is the goal. It's about so much more than simply losing the weight.
A big part of this journey is being okay with me. Before I go into a thousand word explanation, I'll just leave it at that. You know what I mean--self compassion, turning off (or at the least-turning down) the critical voice inside that keeps insisting I'm not good enough or not deserving enough or whatever. I'm not a therapist, but I talk with one regularly. What I've learned has been invaluable to my understanding of the human science, the petri dish of experience that has grown into me today. The common misconception is that knowing and possessing a better understanding of these connections automatically makes breaking away from their hold easier. It does not. I've gained significant weight throughout my therapy process but I've also gained an invaluable education about me. So what good is it? The important thing, in my opinion, is to realize it's only a piece of our puzzle. And putting our puzzle together requires more than just having the knowledge of what we do and why we do it, it requires deliberate actions. Simply having a good idea of where the pieces fit doesn't solve the puzzle, you gotta get hands on those pieces--you gotta be willing to physically work the puzzle. Is it always easy? NO. Will we get stuck occasionally? YES. Do we give up and wipe the puzzle into the floor? NEVER.
And from this day forward, this blog will be about deliberate actions. If you've read from the beginning of this blog or at least part of the first couple of years, you'll recognize exactly what it is. A daily diary. Now...I can't guarantee I won't go off on a philosophical tangent every now and again, because it comes very easy for me to do---and I'll occasionally get creative--but for the most part, it could get a little boring along the way...at least until you see what's happening and how it's unfolding.
--------------------
I hit the snooze bar twice this morning for an additional 18 minutes of sleep. By the time I hit the floor there wasn't much time for anything but the routine of getting out the door on time. Abbreviating my time for prayer and meditation isn't the best thing to do, but it's often what happens after a night of restlessness.
I make coffee and start breakfast (three whole eggs wrapped in a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita) cooking on low while I get showered and dressed. Multitasking all the way to the door with exactly enough time to drive to the studio, sit down, key the mic and sound as if I'm the most refreshed person in the world. "Good morning, it's 68 degrees--warm start for us as we go to New York for the latest from ABC..." I made it. And I'll be okay until the 10am split.
My employer has allowed me to adopt a split shift schedule throughout this sleep crisis and it's worked relatively well. I'm toast without the midday nap, so for the most productive version of me in the afternoon, it's become fairly important. This split schedule isn't ideal really and I look forward to getting my sleep puzzle sorted out and put together so I can function in a more normal way.
I cooked a large and lean sirloin steak during my midday split and it served me for lunch and dinner. I prepared steak and cheese crunchy tacos for lunch with mozzarella and salsa and for dinner I made a big steak and cheese omelet. I also snacked on apple slices today. I brought a bag of apples to work this afternoon to keep in the studio kitchen.
I arrived home shortly after 5pm and although I didn't plan on taking another nap, I quickly realized my body was insisting, so I complied to a regulated hour (alarm set) nap. Prepared dinner, listened to a small portion of one of my favorite podcasts (Marc Maron's WTF), made a trip to the store and then to the trail for some exercise. I had a good walk.
My right leg seems to be improving and that's good. Because when it's swollen, it's very hard to justify any kind of exercise that might stress the leg and cause painful sores. It's a catch 22--because the exercise helps me lose weight and the weight loss dramatically improves the leg swelling. In order to continue exercising consistently, I'll likely need to start wrapping with compression bandages designed specifically for lymphatic issues. And that's okay. Whatever it takes.
As I write this, I'm under my calorie budget for the day, I've exercised and I've written a blog post. I'll be hitting the pillow shortly with the confidence in knowing that I did well today. And this feeling, when duplicated consistently, has the power to create some seriously positive momentum!
Goodnight, thank you for reading,
Good choices,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
What's Going On With Me?
What's Going On With Me?
Several friends have expressed concern
for me lately and I sincerely appreciate their inquires. I thought
it best to update anyone else who might be concerned: After two
sleep labs and a new cpap machine, my body is still rejecting the
therapy. This constant state of exhaustion has taken its toll on me
in several ways. It's affected my job, my weight loss, my attitude
and emotional well being—basically, it's wreaked havoc.
It's now
affecting my voice, and for someone like me who makes a living by
speaking—that's pretty scary.
I've done okay with food because I
know eating more isn't the solution to the issue, even when
you're too tired to care most of the time. As far as exercise goes, I
haven't lately. Why? Aside from the obvious exhaustion, the lack of
rest has had an effect, as if I were staying on my feet constantly,
causing extreme swelling to my right leg with lymphatic issues
(something that, thanks to weight loss, hasn't been an issue in over
4 years). This effect has left me very cautious about putting too
much pressure on it for fear of skin breakage. That hasn't happened
and I'm doing whatever I need to do to keep it from happening.
I
received a facebook message from a reader who asked, “You're
obviously struggling because you're not posting regularly, so how can
you “coach” others in your group with Gerri?” Great question, a
fair question indeed. First of all, Gerri is the certified life
coach in our group. I am a “coach” too, based exclusively on my
personal experiences along this road and my ability to communicate
and effectively encourage and offer support, as I've done with
hundreds of people over the last five years. My struggles with this
medical issue hasn't affected my ability to relate to group members,
offer suggestions, inspire and motivate in my unique way. The group
helps me too, especially with the support and guidance of group
members—and of course Gerri Helms, one of the best life coaches in
the business.
My goals and plans are wonderful and they're still valid,
waiting, if you will, while I attend to my immediate health concerns.
I'm taking care of me and doing it the best I can with self-
compassion and a realistic approach. I'm scheduled to see a
specialist tomorrow afternoon and I'm looking forward to finding
solutions to my health concerns.
Thank you for reading and for caring,
Sincerely,
Sean
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Redefining Our Line
Redefining Our Line
Do we feel “right at
home?” To be where we are and remain here, is to live around the
line of least resistance, or so we might believe. But is our place
at this line really easy?
It's familiar, yes. On many levels, even
comforting, because it's what we know. But is it easy when you
consider all we sacrifice in its maintenance?
Our identity, our
social interactions and our inter-personal relationships all lean
heavily against us wandering too far from the line we've called home.
And when we decide to change, moving away from this place can be
scary.
We gradually realize the potential effects of this liberation
from what is known, transforms much more than what's on the surface;
our bodies and wardrobes.
Is it easy at this line or have we simply
become accustomed to adapting as needed to accommodate and preserve
our place?
When we regain, is it in part a subconscious retreat to
familiar surroundings?
In my opinion, the heart of the matter lies in
what we choose to find and maintain a semblance of comfort and peace.
And what we choose often lies to us in its promise. Excess food, or
excess anything, might keep us “safe,” but it doesn't make
anything easy and it doesn't fix anything.
To choose change is brave,
requiring large amounts of faith and commitment. Change isn't hard
simply because it's different, it's just not familiar. The only way
it becomes familiar is through practice.
We redefine our line.
And
along the way we find ourselves transforming in ways we didn't
expect. The line of least resistance isn't easy to maintain. It is
familiar and that provides an illusion of ease.
Perhaps it isn't the
line of least resistance—maybe it's the line of familiarity.
And
if we can embrace the changes we desire long enough to become
familiar and understanding, then perhaps we can change the base line
we call home.
Peace and strength,
Sean
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The Thing About Focus
The Thing About Focus
I'm ready to amp this amp as I head into March. I've been rocking my Calorie Bank and Trust to the tune of 1700 or a little less each day. I haven't fully committed to an exercise schedule and it's okay, but that's about to change! My goals for the upcoming week include being better prepared for lunches at work, exercising of some kind each day, increased writing and more water! I can do this. These are things in need of my focus. And when I apply myself toward this positive focus, incredible results follow.
A very important element for me and any of us, is to be very careful of the thoughts and things we lend our focus. I'm a huge believer in the law of attraction. Basically, what we focus on the most is what we get more of along the way. I have numerous things in my life where I can dissect the dynamics and follow it back to where my focus was strongest. Most times, a negative focus is grounded in fear.
Fear of regaining can be paralyzing. And when you're in the middle of regaining it feels like the focus is hijacked into a very negative and dark place where nothing is working anymore. I had "505" tattooed on my arm as a reminder of where I've been and a nod to never go back. BUT... if I could go back in time, I would change the number to 230. And I may still have "-275=230" added. Why? Because as I was losing and after hitting goal, I spent a whole lot of focus on the number 505. I named my start up "505 Industries," the tattoo of course and several other thoughts and practices were centered around that number. It got to the point to where I started seeing 505 everywhere. My purchase at the store would come up $5.05, I would notice the clock at 5:05 all the time and when the security code on one of my cards showed up 505, I smiled and thought, "How perfect?"
But how could I break away from this five hundred pound identity if I'm choosing to constantly focus on the number 505? I can tell you with absolute certainty, had it not been for the support of people like you--I'd be back to 505 or beyond. Changing our focus isn't easy. And changing our deep seeded identity is where it gets extremely challenging.
In my opinion, in order for us to eventually, slowly but surely, accept a new identity--we must focus on where we are and where we're headed, not where we've been. You've heard people say "never look back" and I agree. Then someone pops up with, "Don't ever forget where you came from!" And then what? Well, we don't have to forget where we came from and we likely couldn't if we tried, but we can keep that identity from being our main focus.
This focus on where we're headed puts the law of attraction to the test. Long before I watched "The Secret" documentary on Netflix, I experienced this powerful dynamic. As I started losing weight back in 2008, I employed the law of attraction without realizing what I was doing. Everyday I would look in the mirror and smile at myself. I was complimenting myself for doing a great job and then I would intensely focus on where I was headed. I would envision how my appearance would change. And no, simply doing this isn't the only thing needed---but what happened was, it affected every choice I made. I was locked into my transformation. I was focused on the positive changes coming my way in regards to physical and mental health and of course, appearance. I was imagining the possibilities and with each passing day, week and month--those possibilities were happening.
An entire book could be written about this topic of focusing and then another book could be written on the effects of the transformation as it applies to our identity and how it affects our relationships with others and more importantly, how it affects our relationship with self. I imagine if I search a little, I could find some good books already written on these topics!
I'll tell you right now, the big guy in some of the photos below--I never properly dealt with losing him. The truth is, I never lost him--it's me, but the identity and all of the personality and heart invested in that existence was transformed right along with my body and wardrobe. It felt like "old Sean" died. It wasn't until the last year or so that I fully understood why my ex-sister in-law cried the first time she saw me after hitting goal. She was mourning the loss of "old Sean." I did recognize this then, but I didn't fully get it until about a year ago. So the work continues.
For me to understand that the positive effects of being at a healthy body weight far outweigh the attachment to my old identity, takes a committed and consistent focus.
I want to live as long as God plans for me to live. I want to be healthy and experience life to the fullest. And doing this means letting go and allowing myself to transform without focusing on negative emotions tied to my previous normal. There were many positive and wonderful qualities in that guy, but the lifestyle was one that isn't conducive to longevity. Instead of focusing on a perceived "loss," I must continue to focus on a hybrid version of me--one that combines the positive qualities of the past with the lifestyle and focus of today, giving me the best shot at a longer and healthier life.
Where is the focus? That's a question I must keep on the top of my mind. As long as I remain attentive and aware of this focus, I can continue making positive strides toward my goals.
Join me on facebook at www.facebook.com/seananderson505 (notice the 505) and on twitter @SeanAAnderson and My Fitness Pal: SeanAAnderson.
Tuesday evening starts the 6 week group teleconference coaching sessions with my good friend Life Coach Gerri Helms. Gerri has maintained her 100 pound weight loss for 21 years and has helped countless people identify and reach their goals in weight loss and other areas of life. The 6 week session is $60 dollars and includes the weekly call, additional text support when needed, a private Facebook group for conference members only and an incredible chemistry for support from the group. For an average of only $10 per week, it's a bargain! If you're interested in signing up, it's not too late! We keep the group small, so space is limited. Send an email to me right away to sean@transformationroad.com and I'll reply with a link for you to click and register.
I've included several pictures below. I am focusing on where I'm headed, not where I've been. I am focused on a future where I speak and write for a living and one where I experience the positive effects of living at a healthier weight everyday.
Attitude. Perspective. Focus. It's powerful, my friend.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
big face
Stand-up comedy head shot and stage profile shot
This idea of focus, attention and the law of attraction, has me questioning if I should ditch the before picture and old size 64's for future speaking engagements.
I'm ready to amp this amp as I head into March. I've been rocking my Calorie Bank and Trust to the tune of 1700 or a little less each day. I haven't fully committed to an exercise schedule and it's okay, but that's about to change! My goals for the upcoming week include being better prepared for lunches at work, exercising of some kind each day, increased writing and more water! I can do this. These are things in need of my focus. And when I apply myself toward this positive focus, incredible results follow.
A very important element for me and any of us, is to be very careful of the thoughts and things we lend our focus. I'm a huge believer in the law of attraction. Basically, what we focus on the most is what we get more of along the way. I have numerous things in my life where I can dissect the dynamics and follow it back to where my focus was strongest. Most times, a negative focus is grounded in fear.
Fear of regaining can be paralyzing. And when you're in the middle of regaining it feels like the focus is hijacked into a very negative and dark place where nothing is working anymore. I had "505" tattooed on my arm as a reminder of where I've been and a nod to never go back. BUT... if I could go back in time, I would change the number to 230. And I may still have "-275=230" added. Why? Because as I was losing and after hitting goal, I spent a whole lot of focus on the number 505. I named my start up "505 Industries," the tattoo of course and several other thoughts and practices were centered around that number. It got to the point to where I started seeing 505 everywhere. My purchase at the store would come up $5.05, I would notice the clock at 5:05 all the time and when the security code on one of my cards showed up 505, I smiled and thought, "How perfect?"
But how could I break away from this five hundred pound identity if I'm choosing to constantly focus on the number 505? I can tell you with absolute certainty, had it not been for the support of people like you--I'd be back to 505 or beyond. Changing our focus isn't easy. And changing our deep seeded identity is where it gets extremely challenging.
In my opinion, in order for us to eventually, slowly but surely, accept a new identity--we must focus on where we are and where we're headed, not where we've been. You've heard people say "never look back" and I agree. Then someone pops up with, "Don't ever forget where you came from!" And then what? Well, we don't have to forget where we came from and we likely couldn't if we tried, but we can keep that identity from being our main focus.
This focus on where we're headed puts the law of attraction to the test. Long before I watched "The Secret" documentary on Netflix, I experienced this powerful dynamic. As I started losing weight back in 2008, I employed the law of attraction without realizing what I was doing. Everyday I would look in the mirror and smile at myself. I was complimenting myself for doing a great job and then I would intensely focus on where I was headed. I would envision how my appearance would change. And no, simply doing this isn't the only thing needed---but what happened was, it affected every choice I made. I was locked into my transformation. I was focused on the positive changes coming my way in regards to physical and mental health and of course, appearance. I was imagining the possibilities and with each passing day, week and month--those possibilities were happening.
An entire book could be written about this topic of focusing and then another book could be written on the effects of the transformation as it applies to our identity and how it affects our relationships with others and more importantly, how it affects our relationship with self. I imagine if I search a little, I could find some good books already written on these topics!
I'll tell you right now, the big guy in some of the photos below--I never properly dealt with losing him. The truth is, I never lost him--it's me, but the identity and all of the personality and heart invested in that existence was transformed right along with my body and wardrobe. It felt like "old Sean" died. It wasn't until the last year or so that I fully understood why my ex-sister in-law cried the first time she saw me after hitting goal. She was mourning the loss of "old Sean." I did recognize this then, but I didn't fully get it until about a year ago. So the work continues.
For me to understand that the positive effects of being at a healthy body weight far outweigh the attachment to my old identity, takes a committed and consistent focus.
I want to live as long as God plans for me to live. I want to be healthy and experience life to the fullest. And doing this means letting go and allowing myself to transform without focusing on negative emotions tied to my previous normal. There were many positive and wonderful qualities in that guy, but the lifestyle was one that isn't conducive to longevity. Instead of focusing on a perceived "loss," I must continue to focus on a hybrid version of me--one that combines the positive qualities of the past with the lifestyle and focus of today, giving me the best shot at a longer and healthier life.
Where is the focus? That's a question I must keep on the top of my mind. As long as I remain attentive and aware of this focus, I can continue making positive strides toward my goals.
Join me on facebook at www.facebook.com/seananderson505 (notice the 505) and on twitter @SeanAAnderson and My Fitness Pal: SeanAAnderson.
Tuesday evening starts the 6 week group teleconference coaching sessions with my good friend Life Coach Gerri Helms. Gerri has maintained her 100 pound weight loss for 21 years and has helped countless people identify and reach their goals in weight loss and other areas of life. The 6 week session is $60 dollars and includes the weekly call, additional text support when needed, a private Facebook group for conference members only and an incredible chemistry for support from the group. For an average of only $10 per week, it's a bargain! If you're interested in signing up, it's not too late! We keep the group small, so space is limited. Send an email to me right away to sean@transformationroad.com and I'll reply with a link for you to click and register.
I've included several pictures below. I am focusing on where I'm headed, not where I've been. I am focused on a future where I speak and write for a living and one where I experience the positive effects of living at a healthier weight everyday.
Attitude. Perspective. Focus. It's powerful, my friend.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
big face
Stand-up comedy head shot and stage profile shot
This idea of focus, attention and the law of attraction, has me questioning if I should ditch the before picture and old size 64's for future speaking engagements.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Why I Do What I Do
Why I Do What I Do
Someone asked me the other day why I share the way I do and why it's so important to me. They suggested, in their opinion, I sometimes "over-share." They were interested in the motivation behind my efforts. Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood?
My response started with a question. What is it about what I do, that stirs you to the point of having these questions? Do I touch a nerve or two? Does what I write and share occasionally hit home on points too uncomfortable to handle, so instead of questioning yourself, your defenses go up in the form of questioning my motivation?
Only two people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it.
I suppose it's very hard for some to grasp.
This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years. Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing. I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.
I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways. Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things...And I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else, really. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, is as good as I can do.
Occasionally, I might write a piece as if I were in the middle of the fall--kind of a time traveling concept...might be fun and therapeutic for me. But maybe not. I mean really, could be kind of scary.
I also don't do this for money. Yes, I would very much enjoy doing what I do for a living and there isn't anything wrong with that at all. But to this point, the relatively small financial reward hasn't been a big component of what I do (Just ask my creditors!).
The last sentence of my Day 1 entry still holds true, "I believe it will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track." Pretty simple.
That's what it's all about. I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me, to help me and when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all.
I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.
There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.
Jon in Wisconsin is someone who's story completely moved me. He's blogging now on Spark People, so if you have a Spark People account, I highly recommend connecting with him. His Spark People ID: WEWRTFO
He recently wrote a blog entry about how we came to know one another. Here's an excerpt:
------------
Back in February of 2012 I stumbled upon his book on Amazon, at the time I did not know Sean. I found the reading of the book absolutely riveting and powerful. Being similar weight, height and body type the motivation from his book hit me like a home run. At the time I was a very private person and not one willing to discuss my own weight issues with others.
I took at chance and emailed Sean hoping for a response. Here are some quotes from my original email.
( " thank you for help me grasp, come to terms with what I need to do, have been wanting to do, have been putting off the past 20 years.") ("Yeah, definitely over ready almost as if your book was written for me. The mental aspect part of it and being accountable for my own actions.") ("Perhaps what sticking most in my mind is I see a mirror image of myself reading your book.")
I was very excited having Sean respond. Here is some very powerful quotes I will never forget in the first email Sean sent me.
("Okay--after reading your story--I must say, I can't wait to see your transformation!!! Jon--you're discovering something so wonderfully liberating....You have the key---and you're free now...The weight will come off without struggle when you exercise this power you have to choose change.") ("on--this is about getting to know yourself---and getting super self-honest with yourself. You have all of the answers already. Look in the mirror and realize---when you do---you're looking at the only person in the world that's gonna do this like no other--or fail...either way---in the mirror is the one responsible for the turnout....Nobody else--and nothing else....no person, place, thing, circumstance, emotion----Nope....)")
"(Steel curtain zone it, Jon....Tighten your SCZ---and decide you're going to live like never before. Jon---YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ")
Back in February of 2012 this was very powerful motivation, a man who truly cares about helping others with there own weight issues, and have stayed in touch with Sean ever since. If not for Sean, I would not be blogging or have created my Spark People page. Since February 2012 I often visit Sean's blog archive or read his newest post. Sometimes pick up his book or exchange emails. My one constant go to source that has enabled me to get to the point where I am at today. I encourage anybody who has not read Sean's book, please do so. Thank's Sean for being such a great friend and motivator!
-----------
This is why I do what I do.
The only thing missing from my response to Jon back then, was how important it is to connect with your spiritual side. Whatever that is, is totally up to you and your understanding. And for some, this connection is very natural, going hand in hand with making changes. But for me it's been a learned element through trial and error. I've always been one to learn things the more challenging way. But in that, I've learned a great deal I might not have otherwise. We're not alone along this road, ever.
Someone who recently purchased one of my "I'm Choosing Change" adjustable leather bracelets
sent a very nice message describing her recent grocery store situation:
"Today is two weeks since I started eating healthy again and exercising minimally , but have managed to lose 10lbs. At the store last night, for no good reason other than habit, I walked up to the ice cream section, opened the door and reached for my all time favorite non-narcotic drug of choice, but mid-reach, as I spotted my bracelet, I thought to ask myself if the calories and self- loathing to follow my treat will be worth it, and I imagined you and all of your supporters there with me in that moment, as I allowed the door to close. I continued to shop, without a battle raging in my head for and against the ice cream. It was like an out of body experience thinking of all the other people out there who say no too, and made it, in that moment, easier than it has ever been in my recent memory to walk away empty handed. Thanks Sean"
Reading this also empowers me! Do you think I could possibly be in the frozen "treats" section of my local grocery store without remembering this message? No way. We've helped her. And she's helped us.
This is why I do what I do.
I would love for you to connect with me on My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson), Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505) and Twitter (@SeanAAnderson). Each of these social media platforms have a different type content and do different things for me. I post a bunch of food pictures to Twitter. My daily food diary is public on My Fitness Pal and Facebook is a place where I connect with friends the most, often through what I call "micro-blogs" and various other postings.
Quick update on where I am: I'm keeping a 1700 calorie budget. I haven't been exercising regularly, yet, and that's okay for the moment. I'm having another sleep study the night of the 14th to at last determine the proper therapy enabling me to finally feel fully rested. My doctors appointment that was the 11th had to be rescheduled for the 17th and that's when I'll have my first official weigh-in since "coming back to life." I'll continue with monthly weigh-ins from that point forward.
I sincerely appreciate your continued support,
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Someone asked me the other day why I share the way I do and why it's so important to me. They suggested, in their opinion, I sometimes "over-share." They were interested in the motivation behind my efforts. Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood?
My response started with a question. What is it about what I do, that stirs you to the point of having these questions? Do I touch a nerve or two? Does what I write and share occasionally hit home on points too uncomfortable to handle, so instead of questioning yourself, your defenses go up in the form of questioning my motivation?
Only two people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it.
I suppose it's very hard for some to grasp.
This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years. Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing. I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.
I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways. Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things...And I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else, really. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, is as good as I can do.
Occasionally, I might write a piece as if I were in the middle of the fall--kind of a time traveling concept...might be fun and therapeutic for me. But maybe not. I mean really, could be kind of scary.
I also don't do this for money. Yes, I would very much enjoy doing what I do for a living and there isn't anything wrong with that at all. But to this point, the relatively small financial reward hasn't been a big component of what I do (Just ask my creditors!).
The last sentence of my Day 1 entry still holds true, "I believe it will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track." Pretty simple.
That's what it's all about. I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me, to help me and when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all.
I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.
There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.
Jon in Wisconsin is someone who's story completely moved me. He's blogging now on Spark People, so if you have a Spark People account, I highly recommend connecting with him. His Spark People ID: WEWRTFO
He recently wrote a blog entry about how we came to know one another. Here's an excerpt:
------------
Back in February of 2012 I stumbled upon his book on Amazon, at the time I did not know Sean. I found the reading of the book absolutely riveting and powerful. Being similar weight, height and body type the motivation from his book hit me like a home run. At the time I was a very private person and not one willing to discuss my own weight issues with others.
I took at chance and emailed Sean hoping for a response. Here are some quotes from my original email.
( " thank you for help me grasp, come to terms with what I need to do, have been wanting to do, have been putting off the past 20 years.") ("Yeah, definitely over ready almost as if your book was written for me. The mental aspect part of it and being accountable for my own actions.") ("Perhaps what sticking most in my mind is I see a mirror image of myself reading your book.")
I was very excited having Sean respond. Here is some very powerful quotes I will never forget in the first email Sean sent me.
("Okay--after reading your story--I must say, I can't wait to see your transformation!!! Jon--you're discovering something so wonderfully liberating....You have the key---and you're free now...The weight will come off without struggle when you exercise this power you have to choose change.") ("on--this is about getting to know yourself---and getting super self-honest with yourself. You have all of the answers already. Look in the mirror and realize---when you do---you're looking at the only person in the world that's gonna do this like no other--or fail...either way---in the mirror is the one responsible for the turnout....Nobody else--and nothing else....no person, place, thing, circumstance, emotion----Nope....)")
"(Steel curtain zone it, Jon....Tighten your SCZ---and decide you're going to live like never before. Jon---YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ")
Back in February of 2012 this was very powerful motivation, a man who truly cares about helping others with there own weight issues, and have stayed in touch with Sean ever since. If not for Sean, I would not be blogging or have created my Spark People page. Since February 2012 I often visit Sean's blog archive or read his newest post. Sometimes pick up his book or exchange emails. My one constant go to source that has enabled me to get to the point where I am at today. I encourage anybody who has not read Sean's book, please do so. Thank's Sean for being such a great friend and motivator!
-----------
This is why I do what I do.
The only thing missing from my response to Jon back then, was how important it is to connect with your spiritual side. Whatever that is, is totally up to you and your understanding. And for some, this connection is very natural, going hand in hand with making changes. But for me it's been a learned element through trial and error. I've always been one to learn things the more challenging way. But in that, I've learned a great deal I might not have otherwise. We're not alone along this road, ever.
Someone who recently purchased one of my "I'm Choosing Change" adjustable leather bracelets
sent a very nice message describing her recent grocery store situation:
"Today is two weeks since I started eating healthy again and exercising minimally , but have managed to lose 10lbs. At the store last night, for no good reason other than habit, I walked up to the ice cream section, opened the door and reached for my all time favorite non-narcotic drug of choice, but mid-reach, as I spotted my bracelet, I thought to ask myself if the calories and self- loathing to follow my treat will be worth it, and I imagined you and all of your supporters there with me in that moment, as I allowed the door to close. I continued to shop, without a battle raging in my head for and against the ice cream. It was like an out of body experience thinking of all the other people out there who say no too, and made it, in that moment, easier than it has ever been in my recent memory to walk away empty handed. Thanks Sean"
Reading this also empowers me! Do you think I could possibly be in the frozen "treats" section of my local grocery store without remembering this message? No way. We've helped her. And she's helped us.
This is why I do what I do.
I would love for you to connect with me on My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson), Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505) and Twitter (@SeanAAnderson). Each of these social media platforms have a different type content and do different things for me. I post a bunch of food pictures to Twitter. My daily food diary is public on My Fitness Pal and Facebook is a place where I connect with friends the most, often through what I call "micro-blogs" and various other postings.
Quick update on where I am: I'm keeping a 1700 calorie budget. I haven't been exercising regularly, yet, and that's okay for the moment. I'm having another sleep study the night of the 14th to at last determine the proper therapy enabling me to finally feel fully rested. My doctors appointment that was the 11th had to be rescheduled for the 17th and that's when I'll have my first official weigh-in since "coming back to life." I'll continue with monthly weigh-ins from that point forward.
I sincerely appreciate your continued support,
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Maintaining A Balance
Maintaining A Balance
As the days go by and my resolve remains strong, my biggest challenge hasn't been maintaining the integrity of my calorie budget. My biggest challenge has been time management and maintaining a balance with my chosen methods of social media. I'm behind on my blog reading list and answering emails and messages. Returning support is very important to me. The support you give me is sincerely appreciated and I hope you know this, because it's an absolutely critical element of my success. I'll continue doing my best and finding a balance with my time and energy.
Sleep Issue Update: I return for a 2nd sleep study on February 14th at 8pm. This time will include using an adjustable machine the entire night in an effort to determine the optimal settings for my best rest. I'm looking forward to feeling rested again. Good rest, good sleep is a requirement for living the best life possible. The benefits go far beyond weight loss. It goes without saying, being exhausted dramatically and negatively effects everything along this road. I think it's perfectly fitting that my sleep study is set for Valentines evening. For one, it's my late brother Shane's birthday and he always wanted what was best for me. Taking care of me is self-love. Getting this done and my sleep situation corrected is one of the most loving things I can do for myself.
Today marks three weeks of being committed and staying focused come what may. I still have 10 more days to wait before I weigh and that's perfect. My philosophy on weighing hasn't changed. Like many of my friends along this road, I've allowed the scale to wreak havoc on my emotions too many times. And I'm embracing the idea that this isn't about a number for me, it's about recovery. It's about getting back to a healthier existence. I will weigh monthly, mainly because I like statistics. But I'll be very careful and aware of how the numbers effect me, good or not as good.
The point is, if I'm maintaining a balance and taking care of me, then truly the scale takes care of itself. The only time the scale has ever gone up is when I'm not properly taking care of me. And I'm doing my best to fully appreciate and accept that this isn't a quest to get back to 230. This isn't about simply hitting that mark. I've done that. This is about learning from my previous experiences and getting to a place where maintaining my personal balance with food and exercise is a constant in my life. If I make that the goal, again-the weight will drop and I'll be healthier for the effort. Maintaining balance with everything life throws my way is the challenge.
Creating a support community of friends with like goals, experiences and understandings is critical. Sharing the tough times and asking for additional support is paramount. I attended a banquet and awards ceremony Thursday evening with my co-workers from Team Radio. Most of them remember my resolve and practices during my initial weight loss and all of them know where I am today and how I'm reclaiming my life at this point, so just having them there with me was good support and encouragement to make the best choices possible. To reinforce my strength and support, I offered up the challenge on facebook and vowed to "Live-Tweet" the dinner service from start to finish. I'm @SeanAAnderson on Twitter. I know many of my friends on Facebook and several who read this blog, do not do Twitter and that's okay. Here's a replay of the evening in chronological order of tweets:
During the course of this "Live-Tweeting," I received wonderful support from those following along as it happened. And I thank you very much!! The entire event was spectacular and the highlight of the evening was the broadcasting company I work for winning the business of the year award!
Walking to the parking lot afterward, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a perfect event in so many ways. My support system was in place and worked beautifully. The most challenging part of the evening was seeing so many people from the community, many of these people cheered me on before and haven't laid eyes on me since I've regained. Being okay with that and shutting down the inner voices of insecurity, guilt, shame and whatever other negative emotions get drummed up in a post-regain situation like this, was a blessing. Having a calm and peace in this dynamic is because I'm embracing me, all of me and I'm taking care of me in wonderful ways. I'm headed to a healthier version of me and I'm doing what needs to be done to get there. It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me, good or bad, about where I am or what I looked like at this event. I'm gloriously me. And visiting the restroom, looking in the mirror and reminding myself of this was a part of the evening, twice. Besides, people are typically too busy worrying about themselves to notice others, at least not to the degree our brains would have us believe.
So much more I want to share here, but I'm out of time for now. I'm going to fix some brunch and get ready for a remote broadcast this afternoon.
I hope you'll follow along on Facebook, Twitter and My Fitness Pal too. I'm Seanaanderson on MFP.
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful weekend,
My best always,
Strength,
Sean
As the days go by and my resolve remains strong, my biggest challenge hasn't been maintaining the integrity of my calorie budget. My biggest challenge has been time management and maintaining a balance with my chosen methods of social media. I'm behind on my blog reading list and answering emails and messages. Returning support is very important to me. The support you give me is sincerely appreciated and I hope you know this, because it's an absolutely critical element of my success. I'll continue doing my best and finding a balance with my time and energy.
Sleep Issue Update: I return for a 2nd sleep study on February 14th at 8pm. This time will include using an adjustable machine the entire night in an effort to determine the optimal settings for my best rest. I'm looking forward to feeling rested again. Good rest, good sleep is a requirement for living the best life possible. The benefits go far beyond weight loss. It goes without saying, being exhausted dramatically and negatively effects everything along this road. I think it's perfectly fitting that my sleep study is set for Valentines evening. For one, it's my late brother Shane's birthday and he always wanted what was best for me. Taking care of me is self-love. Getting this done and my sleep situation corrected is one of the most loving things I can do for myself.
Today marks three weeks of being committed and staying focused come what may. I still have 10 more days to wait before I weigh and that's perfect. My philosophy on weighing hasn't changed. Like many of my friends along this road, I've allowed the scale to wreak havoc on my emotions too many times. And I'm embracing the idea that this isn't about a number for me, it's about recovery. It's about getting back to a healthier existence. I will weigh monthly, mainly because I like statistics. But I'll be very careful and aware of how the numbers effect me, good or not as good.
The point is, if I'm maintaining a balance and taking care of me, then truly the scale takes care of itself. The only time the scale has ever gone up is when I'm not properly taking care of me. And I'm doing my best to fully appreciate and accept that this isn't a quest to get back to 230. This isn't about simply hitting that mark. I've done that. This is about learning from my previous experiences and getting to a place where maintaining my personal balance with food and exercise is a constant in my life. If I make that the goal, again-the weight will drop and I'll be healthier for the effort. Maintaining balance with everything life throws my way is the challenge.
Creating a support community of friends with like goals, experiences and understandings is critical. Sharing the tough times and asking for additional support is paramount. I attended a banquet and awards ceremony Thursday evening with my co-workers from Team Radio. Most of them remember my resolve and practices during my initial weight loss and all of them know where I am today and how I'm reclaiming my life at this point, so just having them there with me was good support and encouragement to make the best choices possible. To reinforce my strength and support, I offered up the challenge on facebook and vowed to "Live-Tweet" the dinner service from start to finish. I'm @SeanAAnderson on Twitter. I know many of my friends on Facebook and several who read this blog, do not do Twitter and that's okay. Here's a replay of the evening in chronological order of tweets:
Live tweeting the dinner service tonight at a banquet and awards presentation. I'll have a snack prior and navigate what's served with calm.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 30, 2014
A good snack. Fresh fruit. Apple and pear! Bring on the multi-course meal! I've only a little over 500 cal remaining! pic.twitter.com/2bCa41Idqj
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 30, 2014
Rolls, giant balls of butter, chocolate cake and salad. This is like one of those "circle which one doesn't belong." pic.twitter.com/WiuEsyxOJM
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
If the chocolate cake isn't to your liking, there's plenty of cheesecake. Here's the deal: I have 500 cal to use here pic.twitter.com/uoVoPYAIiQ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
Feeling very strong, confident. Thank you for the support!
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
Oh, and plenty of wine on each table! I'm choosing to stick with water and unsweetened tea. pic.twitter.com/DFxaSRBK3t
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
They put the dressing on it already. Or maybe that's a cheese of some kind. There's also a raspberry vinaigrette. pic.twitter.com/gfogTLHpTr
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
Potential calories so far: 2000. My calories so far: 0. I have 528 to spend. I'm waiting for the main course.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
A giant hunk of roast beef with roasted potatoes and peppered green beans. Some kind of brown gravy all over the meat pic.twitter.com/eJnOtl1pkJ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
I didn't eat it all. 432 calories for dinner! And I still have enough calories for an 80 calorie yogurt snack later. pic.twitter.com/VetRXFbpzB
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
Excuse the dirty plate! Left plenty of the beef, most of it, in fact. I ate most all the green beans! pic.twitter.com/tBUJ058ciM
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
No more calories for me at this event! Thank you for your support! My phone is about to die (4%), so I'll cease the live tweeting now.
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 31, 2014
During the course of this "Live-Tweeting," I received wonderful support from those following along as it happened. And I thank you very much!! The entire event was spectacular and the highlight of the evening was the broadcasting company I work for winning the business of the year award!
Walking to the parking lot afterward, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a perfect event in so many ways. My support system was in place and worked beautifully. The most challenging part of the evening was seeing so many people from the community, many of these people cheered me on before and haven't laid eyes on me since I've regained. Being okay with that and shutting down the inner voices of insecurity, guilt, shame and whatever other negative emotions get drummed up in a post-regain situation like this, was a blessing. Having a calm and peace in this dynamic is because I'm embracing me, all of me and I'm taking care of me in wonderful ways. I'm headed to a healthier version of me and I'm doing what needs to be done to get there. It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me, good or bad, about where I am or what I looked like at this event. I'm gloriously me. And visiting the restroom, looking in the mirror and reminding myself of this was a part of the evening, twice. Besides, people are typically too busy worrying about themselves to notice others, at least not to the degree our brains would have us believe.
So much more I want to share here, but I'm out of time for now. I'm going to fix some brunch and get ready for a remote broadcast this afternoon.
I hope you'll follow along on Facebook, Twitter and My Fitness Pal too. I'm Seanaanderson on MFP.
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful weekend,
My best always,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The Sleep Issue
The Sleep Issue
One of the major challenges I experienced after hitting goal in November 2010 was a horrible return of my sleep apnea. It was something I honestly thought was gone forever because after the first 100 pounds lost, it virtually disappeared. Suddenly I could sleep, breathe and feel fully rested without a cpap machine and I rejoiced! But then it came back somewhere around the 200 pounds lost mark. I've since discussed this with sleep lab technicians and a doctor who all confirmed this was a common occurrence. I quickly reinstated the use of my cpap when the symptoms started happening again. But this time it wasn't working like it did before. I was still exhausted everyday. A month after hitting 230 pounds, I underwent the first of two sleep studies over a two month period. The final diagnosis was sleep apnea and central apnea. Things had changed dramatically. I had never heard of central apnea.
So I quickly googled it: "Central sleep apnea occurs because your brain doesn't send proper signals to the muscles that control your breathing. This condition is different from obstructive sleep apnea, in which you can't breathe normally because of upper airway obstruction. Central sleep apnea is less common than obstructive sleep apnea. Central sleep apnea may occur as a result of other conditions, such as heart failure and stroke. Sleeping at a high altitude also may cause central sleep apnea."
I had both. Obstructive and this less common, brain doesn't work central version. The treatment involved a different type of machine. I started using this new machine and I was still tired. It wasn't easy to get comfortable with this bipap at all. My body would fight it most of the time and most nights the mask would end up off by morning. Sleeping without it seemed the better alternative. I stayed active during this time, continued eating within a reasonable budget and exercising. I successfully maintained the 275 pound loss for a year and a half. And I rarely made it through a full night on the bipap. I made it a habit to nap almost everyday in an effort to make up for the lost sleep. Honestly, it didn't make too much sense trying to make up for bad sleep with more bad sleep, but as it became worse, I became desperate.
Eventually I forced myself to use the bipap machine and soon I was making it through the night. It wasn't ever effective, at least not to the "night and day" degree of my previous cpap experience. As my sleep became worse, I became more and more depressed, less inclined to exercise and basically lethargic. This wasn't how being at a healthy weight was supposed to feel! Instead of being proactive and speaking up, I took a negative approach--citing the expense and trouble of possibly needing another sleep lab to help fix whatever was wrong this time. Instead of figuring out a way to do what was medically necessary for me to take better care of myself, I fell into a pattern of bad sleep, nap in the middle of the day, followed by bad sleep again the next night. During this time I started regaining at a steady rate.
I'm not offering this as an excuse of any sort. It was/is a circumstance and my attitude and reaction to it wasn't the best course for me. And this wasn't the only circumstance contributing, there were relationship issues and a few other things contributing to this depressive cycle. Depression breeds things to be depressed about, you know what I mean?
But this post isn't about the why of where I am. This post is about me being proactive and taking better care of myself now, today.
The apnea has worsened recently. At the same time I've declared to take better care by maintaining a balance with food and exercise, writing more and getting a handle once again, I've been exhausted worse than ever. Despite this, I'm thrilled to report that reclaiming this balance has brought me tremendous support and strength and I'm doing wonderfully with food. Exercise has been another story. But in the name of compassion for me, I'm okay with a lighter exercise schedule for now. I clearly must get this sleep issue treated immediately because untreated, it's making everything ten times harder, not to mention what it's doing to my metabolism. Tuesday morning I drove to work feeling unfit to drive. I somehow made it through my radio show but not without a few slurred words here and there and what might have sounded like a slight intoxication. I was sent home immediately after a 9:30am meeting and told to get some sleep. But isn't that the most frustrating thing? That's all I want to do! But I can't. I called the doctor as soon as I got home and I must have impressed an urgency on the nurse because the doctor called me directly a short time later. I expressed to him how horrible things had become and asked for an emergency sleep study or a fast track appointment, something---anything...I just need relief.
Yesterday afternoon the nurse called back and had me an appointment for a sleep study that night in Stillwater. Talk about an answer to a prayer!
I was asked about my previous sleep lab studies during my intake. I mentioned the sleep apnea and central apnea diagnosis. The technician stopped me and asked, "Did you have some kind of brain trauma?" No, I haven't had any kind of brain trauma that I know of in my past...and she said "Usually central starts as a result of trauma." Hmmmm. Okay. She continued hooking me up to all kinds of sensors and the sleep study started.
It was purely diagnostic, meaning I slept without a machine of any kind. And when I woke, I found out something very interesting.
The sleep technician monitoring me all night said she couldn't say too much, because the official reading would come from the doctor, but she wanted me to know that there wasn't any occurrence of central apnea. Not one. All night.
Which leads me to believe I was possibly misdiagnosed during the sleep labs from three years ago. This would explain why I never adapted to or benefited from the medical device prescribed to correct the issue. This explains so much! Perhaps now I can get back to a regular cpap machine and finally find some rest.
This is all a part of taking better care of me. This is what it's all about.
As far as what I'm doing with food and exercise: I'm staying within a 1700 calorie budget. I've only walked a few times in the last week and a half. When I say "My food has been good," what I mean is, I've been within my budget and I haven't binged. I look forward to increasing my exercise and getting back some stamina. My goodness how quickly it goes! One mile and I'm hurting and out of breath!! I was doing 5 and 10 K's without too much difficulty--and now a mile is tough! But that's OKAY! :) Really--it is. And I know how quickly it returns with consistency.
Given the circumstances, I'm proud of where I am. I'm back and it feels good. And I'm doing a fabulous job of being compassionate toward me... And considering I didn't really know what that meant at one point, I'm figuring it out and it's a much better way of being.
I found some Joseph's 60 calorie pita's during my most recent shopping trip so needless to say it's been a regular feature of breakfast for me and even lunch as you'll see in the photo below. I've also included a picture of Noah and me playing with the camera phone. Noah is my 6 month old grandson! I'm a 42 year old gramps, can you believe it?
Looking forward to the road ahead! Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Recent lunch: Chicken and Cheese Pita Pizzas with a side of watermelon! It was a little too much actually, checking in at 574 calories. I was full 3/4 of the way.
The highlight of 2013, for sure: My grandson Noah Riley was born July 6th, 2013 to my daughter Courtney. In this photo, Noah is constantly fascinated by the phone. He really wants to drool all over my phone! Total accident that the inspirational message on the wall behind was "photo bombing" us. It reads: "It's never too late to live happily ever after." Very nice.
One of the major challenges I experienced after hitting goal in November 2010 was a horrible return of my sleep apnea. It was something I honestly thought was gone forever because after the first 100 pounds lost, it virtually disappeared. Suddenly I could sleep, breathe and feel fully rested without a cpap machine and I rejoiced! But then it came back somewhere around the 200 pounds lost mark. I've since discussed this with sleep lab technicians and a doctor who all confirmed this was a common occurrence. I quickly reinstated the use of my cpap when the symptoms started happening again. But this time it wasn't working like it did before. I was still exhausted everyday. A month after hitting 230 pounds, I underwent the first of two sleep studies over a two month period. The final diagnosis was sleep apnea and central apnea. Things had changed dramatically. I had never heard of central apnea.
So I quickly googled it: "Central sleep apnea occurs because your brain doesn't send proper signals to the muscles that control your breathing. This condition is different from obstructive sleep apnea, in which you can't breathe normally because of upper airway obstruction. Central sleep apnea is less common than obstructive sleep apnea. Central sleep apnea may occur as a result of other conditions, such as heart failure and stroke. Sleeping at a high altitude also may cause central sleep apnea."
I had both. Obstructive and this less common, brain doesn't work central version. The treatment involved a different type of machine. I started using this new machine and I was still tired. It wasn't easy to get comfortable with this bipap at all. My body would fight it most of the time and most nights the mask would end up off by morning. Sleeping without it seemed the better alternative. I stayed active during this time, continued eating within a reasonable budget and exercising. I successfully maintained the 275 pound loss for a year and a half. And I rarely made it through a full night on the bipap. I made it a habit to nap almost everyday in an effort to make up for the lost sleep. Honestly, it didn't make too much sense trying to make up for bad sleep with more bad sleep, but as it became worse, I became desperate.
Eventually I forced myself to use the bipap machine and soon I was making it through the night. It wasn't ever effective, at least not to the "night and day" degree of my previous cpap experience. As my sleep became worse, I became more and more depressed, less inclined to exercise and basically lethargic. This wasn't how being at a healthy weight was supposed to feel! Instead of being proactive and speaking up, I took a negative approach--citing the expense and trouble of possibly needing another sleep lab to help fix whatever was wrong this time. Instead of figuring out a way to do what was medically necessary for me to take better care of myself, I fell into a pattern of bad sleep, nap in the middle of the day, followed by bad sleep again the next night. During this time I started regaining at a steady rate.
I'm not offering this as an excuse of any sort. It was/is a circumstance and my attitude and reaction to it wasn't the best course for me. And this wasn't the only circumstance contributing, there were relationship issues and a few other things contributing to this depressive cycle. Depression breeds things to be depressed about, you know what I mean?
But this post isn't about the why of where I am. This post is about me being proactive and taking better care of myself now, today.
The apnea has worsened recently. At the same time I've declared to take better care by maintaining a balance with food and exercise, writing more and getting a handle once again, I've been exhausted worse than ever. Despite this, I'm thrilled to report that reclaiming this balance has brought me tremendous support and strength and I'm doing wonderfully with food. Exercise has been another story. But in the name of compassion for me, I'm okay with a lighter exercise schedule for now. I clearly must get this sleep issue treated immediately because untreated, it's making everything ten times harder, not to mention what it's doing to my metabolism. Tuesday morning I drove to work feeling unfit to drive. I somehow made it through my radio show but not without a few slurred words here and there and what might have sounded like a slight intoxication. I was sent home immediately after a 9:30am meeting and told to get some sleep. But isn't that the most frustrating thing? That's all I want to do! But I can't. I called the doctor as soon as I got home and I must have impressed an urgency on the nurse because the doctor called me directly a short time later. I expressed to him how horrible things had become and asked for an emergency sleep study or a fast track appointment, something---anything...I just need relief.
Yesterday afternoon the nurse called back and had me an appointment for a sleep study that night in Stillwater. Talk about an answer to a prayer!
I was asked about my previous sleep lab studies during my intake. I mentioned the sleep apnea and central apnea diagnosis. The technician stopped me and asked, "Did you have some kind of brain trauma?" No, I haven't had any kind of brain trauma that I know of in my past...and she said "Usually central starts as a result of trauma." Hmmmm. Okay. She continued hooking me up to all kinds of sensors and the sleep study started.
It was purely diagnostic, meaning I slept without a machine of any kind. And when I woke, I found out something very interesting.
The sleep technician monitoring me all night said she couldn't say too much, because the official reading would come from the doctor, but she wanted me to know that there wasn't any occurrence of central apnea. Not one. All night.
Which leads me to believe I was possibly misdiagnosed during the sleep labs from three years ago. This would explain why I never adapted to or benefited from the medical device prescribed to correct the issue. This explains so much! Perhaps now I can get back to a regular cpap machine and finally find some rest.
This is all a part of taking better care of me. This is what it's all about.
As far as what I'm doing with food and exercise: I'm staying within a 1700 calorie budget. I've only walked a few times in the last week and a half. When I say "My food has been good," what I mean is, I've been within my budget and I haven't binged. I look forward to increasing my exercise and getting back some stamina. My goodness how quickly it goes! One mile and I'm hurting and out of breath!! I was doing 5 and 10 K's without too much difficulty--and now a mile is tough! But that's OKAY! :) Really--it is. And I know how quickly it returns with consistency.
Given the circumstances, I'm proud of where I am. I'm back and it feels good. And I'm doing a fabulous job of being compassionate toward me... And considering I didn't really know what that meant at one point, I'm figuring it out and it's a much better way of being.
I found some Joseph's 60 calorie pita's during my most recent shopping trip so needless to say it's been a regular feature of breakfast for me and even lunch as you'll see in the photo below. I've also included a picture of Noah and me playing with the camera phone. Noah is my 6 month old grandson! I'm a 42 year old gramps, can you believe it?
Looking forward to the road ahead! Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Recent lunch: Chicken and Cheese Pita Pizzas with a side of watermelon! It was a little too much actually, checking in at 574 calories. I was full 3/4 of the way.
The highlight of 2013, for sure: My grandson Noah Riley was born July 6th, 2013 to my daughter Courtney. In this photo, Noah is constantly fascinated by the phone. He really wants to drool all over my phone! Total accident that the inspirational message on the wall behind was "photo bombing" us. It reads: "It's never too late to live happily ever after." Very nice.
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