Showing posts with label processing emotions naturally. Show all posts
Showing posts with label processing emotions naturally. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

November 18th, 2014 Here, Eat This, You'll Feel Better

November 18th, 2014 Here, Eat This, You'll Feel Better

What I'm about to share with you isn't an attempt to gain sympathy, pity or concern. It wasn't a bad thing at all, it was a good experience. And although it comes from working through the loss of my recent relationship, it isn't about her or me, in the context of that relationship. It's about processing emotions and allowing them to run their course without running for cover under a blanket of food.

My emotional development was stunted at an early age when I developed a dependency on food to buffer my emotions. For me, the answer wasn't to feel the emotions and work through them, processing the natural stages of the emotion. It was different. The routine was simple: Feel the onset of my changing emotional state--then eat, eat and eat some more, until the emotions subsided, or I forgot just how overwhelming they initially felt. And if I didn't feel better, then maybe another helping of whatever would do the trick. 

The distraction from the emotions during the joy of eating, followed by the natural effects of time on the emotions, meant I would actually feel better. I was convinced it was the food that made it all less challenging. Isn't providing a little relief what "comfort" food is all about? "Here, eat this, you'll feel better."

I never allowed my emotions to process in a healthy way without an all-you-can-eat interruption. Instead of helping me work through emotions, this quickly developed reflex was in-effect, stopping my natural emotional development in its tracks. The food gave me an illusion of being okay, while creating an emotional deficit with each occurrence.  It was very much like emotional trading. Let me borrow the illusion that I'm all better today--and I'll try to figure out how to pay for the pain some other time--just not right now, I'm eating. It's a heavy price. For me, it meant spending twenty years near, at or above 500 pounds.

Then I lost 275 pounds. Then I maintained for a year and a half. Then I faced big emotions again. Then I hit the "escape into isolation" button and ate my way to gaining back over half, all but 111 pounds.

I had zero practice at allowing emotions to take their natural course. While I did lose weight successfully and maintain for awhile, it wasn't because I had learned how to properly feel and process emotions. I enjoyed the initial success because I built up an incredible support and accountability system. And it was my immaturity in dealing with emotions that created deficits anyway, and these eventually get balanced one way or another--usually in the form of holding me back or flat out destroying anything good or potentially good, that comes along.

Allowing the emotions to run their course isn't easy. But I can honestly say that's exactly what I've been doing lately. I've felt things I didn't want to feel. I tighten my grip around the fundamentals of extraordinary care in the background by reaching out more for support and paying close attention to my behavior with food...and in the foreground of life, I allow myself to feel without buffers, without defenses--I just let it be, let it feel--let it run its course, and let it go. Suddenly, I realize feeling these emotions isn't the end of the world. It's actually the pathway to new beginnings and better days where I'm not held back. It's an entry way into a healthier existence where good and potentially good is allowed to flourish.

It was a long day today. I battled long lines at Walmart in order to grab a few things I needed after work, then I headed home--carried everything upstairs, put it all away, then I sat in my recliner and cried. 

I cried the most cleansing cry I've ever experienced. And it felt amazing to let it out. I felt it, it was exhausting. And at the same time, it was the most natural and healthy relief, ever. It was cathartic. I just sat there afterwards, letting it dry and feeling like a weight had been lifted.
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The rest of my evening was beautiful. I co-moderated my weekly weight loss support call with Life Coach Gerri, cooked an amazing meal and had a phenomenal workout at the YMCA. I'm feeling really good tonight. The melatonin is starting to kick in, so I'll let it.  

My Tweets today:
















Thank you, sincerely, for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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