Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Day 317 The Splurge Urge and Conquering The Hill

Day 317

The Splurge Urge and Conquering The Hill

Just when you think you're totally past the toughest mental battles along this road, one jumps up and bites you. I was bitten by a really strong urge to splurge today. There was no outside force making me feel weak. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't sad, I wasn't celebrating anything. I was just home for lunch and frustrated that the only thing I could find was peanut butter on low calorie whole wheat. So I guess I was frustrated. OK, I've identified the emotion, now how do I handle it? I had a tablespoon of peanut butter between two slices of the 45 calorie bread for a 190 calorie peanut butter sandwich. Let's understand something: I love peanut butter. The other day I purchased a jar of JIF for the very first time since I started this journey. Why have I avoided the stuff? Because it's right up there with half gallons of ice cream and cartons of cottage cheese on the list of foods I tend to avoid because I know myself really well. Some of my biggest control issues with food have involved those foods, along with cheese of any kind and gravy. I bought the peanut butter the other day because I felt that I'm in such a wonderful mental state---I could handle anything. And I guess I really didn't go nuts or anything (pardon the pun), but I'm not proud of what I did after the completely responsible 190 calorie sandwich. We had leftover Fritos in the house from our chili the other night. We're really in complete control with chips...we count out a serving. A bag use to last a couple of hours around here in the pre-journey days. Now we have old stale bags in the cabinet that are so old and unused---they should be thrown away. OK---I'm stalling with this confession. Are you ready for this? I stood at the kitchen counter and as crazy as this might sound, I dipped a Frito into the creamy peanut butter for a salty-crunchy-peanut-buttery taste sensation. Then I did it again. Once more and then a fourth time. I mindlessly consumed 200 calories while standing at that counter, and peanut butter dipped Fritos? What's that all about? Am I pregnant? It wasn't a meltdown by any stretch, but it was just out of character and not in tune with the new me. I don't throw calories around mindlessly, but standing at that counter eating a combination I'd never tried before (it was pretty good by the way) was very unusual. I stopped myself after the fourth one. It's like my defense system was taking a coffee break or something. It took a little longer to respond to this mindless consumption. When it did, I was pretty upset and felt guilty. I didn't wreck my calorie budget—I'm still in a wonderful place---I'm still OK. But I learned something valuable. Fritos and peanut butter rock! NO---Seriously, I learned that just because I sometimes feel invincible, I'm not. I'm still capable of feeling the crazy “splurge urge.” The difference now? I'm able to identify it and deal with what I'm doing. The old Sean would have grabbed the bag and the jar and headed for the couch. I would've thought of a wonderful excuse to take a long lunch and I would have devoured my newly discovered snack combination until I was stuffed. The new Sean doesn't play that way. Oh, and through it all those silly sugar wafers were on the counter pleading for me to have just one. I didn't. Is it possible to be 'in control' even when you're 'out of control?'---maybe. I wouldn't necessarily call it control. Awareness and the ability to correct a very minor slip before it becomes a major meltdown is more like it. I'm actually stronger from the experience.

The 5K walk/jog tonight (don't get too impressed by '5K' and 'jog' in the same sentence—it was mostly walking, maybe an 80/20 split) was refreshing to say the least. It stormed earlier and the moisture in the air has left the sweet smell of rain on everything. It was cooler, not bad at all! I notice that I have a longer jogging endurance when I'm on the treadmill. At the trail, it seems like maybe I'm too unregulated to settle into a set speed. On the treadmill I can set it on 5.0 mph and be good for a long while, but on the trail it's different. I did something tonight that was really cool. I conquered THE Hill. At the trail there is a hill that isn't really steep, it's just really loooong. The incline just keeps going and going. When we first started walking around the actual trail I had lost a little bit of weight I'm sure, but still at almost 500 pounds that hill would beat me down. I can remember stopping several times in the middle of the 'climb' because my legs were on fire and we always dreaded that thing. Tonight—I jogged up that thing like it was a walk in the park. It was a sweet little victory. That hill doesn't have anything on me anymore. My brain on the other hand does...I'm still a tiny bit self conscious about being the “fat guy jogging,” but I'm getting over that. If someone drives by and gets a laugh at my expense, so be it. They don't know who I am and where I'm headed. It would blow their minds if they only knew at whom they were laughing. Maybe someday they'll put it together-- that's the guy we use to laugh at while he tried to run! Wow, look at him now! I wish I had a body like that! Hey, it's my imagination---I can make these imaginary people think anything I want them too! And that brings me to this: My mental hangups, our mental hangups about what other people think of us---are rarely as bad as our imaginations would have us believe. Those people driving by as I slowly jog, they're just as likely thinking-- Good for him, he's really going after what he wants, makes me want to get out there too. And they're even more likely not noticing at all. Our brains can really convince us otherwise, but seriously---it's typically not as bad as we think. Irene's at work and Courtney is at a friends house this evening. Amber did the 5K with me. That girl has more jogging endurance than me. She can just keep going and going. If we're all just walking, and Courtney and I are about to pass Amber...she amps it up a few notches, refusing to let us pass. Then we amp it up trying to pass, then she really turns it on and she's gone! In the end we all get a better workout as a result of our friendly competitiveness.

I list my blogroll by latest post first. That way I can see who hasn't posted in a while. If you're a weight loss blogger and reader, I encourage you, no...let's make this a challenge: I challenge you to find someone on your blog roll that hasn't posted in a really long while. Go to their blog and offer some words of encouragement. Hopefully they're doing wonderful. As solid as some of us are on this road, we mustn't forget that some still struggle greatly. And maybe a word or two from one of us will make a difference. Maybe not, but at least we can try. I imagine you do this already, huh? A good solid support group of successful weight loss bloggers can be like weight loss superheroes to some. We all have different experiences and abilities to relate to people. So put on your cape my friends and fly into those stale blogs and see what's happening with our weight loss brothers and sisters.

Day 317 was really good despite the temporary craziness of dipping Fritos in peanut butter and spending 200 calories in the process. Seriously, not bad at all. We're headed to a wonderful, wonderful, most amazing place and sometimes we need a little variety in our performance just to keep our defenses and new way of life sharp and in focus. I'm focused on getting a good night's rest. Goodnight and...

Good choices,


  1. Fritos and PB!? You brave man!!

    Congrats on the 5K walk/jog, no matter what ratio it was, its still awesome that you are even trying it you know?

    Keep it up-youre my inspiration, dont let me down! :)

  2. Ohhh Peanut Butter is lethal;(

    Well Done on the 5K, you are still on track Sean, keep up the good work.

    And Go Amber, that girl is doing a fantastic job:)



  3. Congrats on stopping yourself after the 4th peanut butter-dipped Frito (ewwwwww). So what do you know....the hottie IS human after all...you're doing great Sean...and a HUGE congrats to you for conquering THE HILL. I thought I was going to roll down one last wknd when I went hiking....still have to stop a couple of times to get up them...but I'm working on it! :)

  4. I'm very lucky in that I never got the peanut butter gene. I know people who can't live without it. I don't know if I would have enjoyed that combo, but I have been craving Fritos again like crazy. Funny, I never bought Fritos before starting this journey--maybe once a year. Now I crave them all the time.

    You have become mindful. I often wonder if people who have no weight problem do what you did with the PB & Fritos...enjoy a few bites--really enjoy it, and then just stop. I have actaully seen that in action with my inlaws. They have an off switch. You now have an off switch. Amazing, isn't it? Wonderful!!! I'd say that was a fantastic step forward!

    Your walk/jog sounds wonderful. I love fresh rain.I love friendly competition. I think you're right, people are too into themselves and don't realy care much about what others are out there doing.

    Brilliant idea about checking on/supporting bloggers. I did pop onto Amy's blog again tonight to see if she was okay, and she let me know she was. I hadn't fear she stopped her journey, but that she was ill. Anyway, tomorrow when I have a spare moment, I'll run down my blog roll and do some checking up.

    This is a tough journey and we're all in it together. It sure helps to know people out there care and to care about others.

  5. Oh, I forgot--congrats on The Hill!!!

  6. Phew - you did well to stop after 4 Frito dips - that in itself is an achievement. Just goes to show, every day there is still something to learn about ourselves.

    Running outdoors is much harder physically and mentally than on the treadmill. Those hills just keep on getting easier. And it is great that you all enjoy competing a bit when out exercising, it keeps it fun and encourages you all to do more.

    I accept the challenge and will look through my list for someone who hasn't posted in a while. I have done the gentle nudging thing before and it works, lol!

  7. i cant really remember all i wanted to say, but congrats on the 5K. the 5K is killer and just working up to it is a feat in itself. mmm, rain, try it in drizzle, it really is the best. hill + me = no, so great job there! seriously, though, all the stuff tht goes through your mind when youre running, ie., what people are thinking, i dont think it ever really happens. my skinny ass hubby started running recently. he hates it, but does it for fitness for soccer. his favorite people on the trail arent the obvious runners, but the ones that are out there pushing it to their limits. i always feel a kinship with those that arent olympians out there, and i really think a lot of people feel that way, too. either way, keep it up!

  8. PB on Fritos? I believe that's an appetizer they serve in Hell.

    Funny how those wantful feelings can just jump up and bite you on the ass. Thankfully, there's much less ass for them to be able to bite.

    Stay strong, brother.

  9. I bet those people seeing you run are like "way to go man" and I bet they have been seeing you since you started. I have people stop in their cars sometimes and congratulate me, it's the support like that that makes me feel good. I think most of the time people are rooting for us.

    Also, makes me want to go and comment on those missing folks here in blogland. It really is about supporting each other in this journey, though we do this on our own, we sure do need the support of others to get where we want to be.

    Great job stopping at 4 fritos, I soo know what you mean about the crazyness in the head that sometimes makes you do that sort of thing. But it's so different now isn't it? It's different because you know how to stop yourself now, you know how far you've come and that you're doing a great job. 200 calories sure isn't going to break the bank either.

    Hope you have a good day and way to go on that hill.

  10. Way to go on killing that hill :) When i finally get the surgery i really want to start walk/run again i don't do too much but i do really enjoy breaking into a run. I only do it though on the trails as i have visions of people laughing at the girls bouncing up and down!
    Good idea on checking up on people i'll bet it makes there day.

  11. I love the picture on the left of where people visit from. Nice blog!

  12. Sounds like you have it figured out. When you lose weight the right way, you are afforded a few of those "splurge" moments. I have to admit I have splurged more than a few times recently.
    And I hate the "fat man jogging syndrome." When I was still 280 or so I would get up early just to run before it got light outside so no one could see me.
    Congrats on the hill. Those things are killer. Nice job.

  13. Way to go on the "hill"! Amazes me how easy things like this become after a while.

    I am done recuperating. My eye still gets strained when I am online for too long, but I am back at blogging. I need to do it, not only for weight loss, but just for piece of mind.

    It's a great challenge.

  14. I just wrote a rather large comment, and something went crazy and it dumped the whole thing! Damn it!

    Now that I have been defeated by the blogspot troll... all I can muster is that you really caught your pb/fritos (ugh) slip before it got bad, and that is what counts... none of us got the way we were by an occasional 200 calorie slip. Ugh. I am still not over the pb/fritos combination. JSh*t is right...

  15. I think hills are the best. I didn't used to feel that way - but I relish the challenge now. Excellent job on the HILL!

  16. I am very impressed with your conquering of the hill! I used to have a deep seated fear of the hills, specifically running UP them! Still working on that. Great job!
    And personally, I think peanut butter goes with anything! Love peanut butter. I would try fritos and peanut butter. The cousin to peanut butter covered pretzels don't you think?

  17. ROFL.. OMG u ARE pregnant! Sean, get to the OB/GYN immediately. LOL

    BTW.. how did I miss a peanut butter/frito post? Sheesh... I've been so outta the loop! LOL

    I do think I sent my EMO your way... and while I'm glad mine's gone.. sorry! LOL

  18. BTW.. you are NOT going to go your entire life without ever eating peanut butter or fritos (God I hope I can get you off them together... but that's another story LOL) so you should be so proud of how you handled your urge!

    I'll bet you used to polish off a bag of fritos with a jar of peanut butter in a sitting right? Or darn close. Look at you now... IN CONTROL! You rock man!


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