I woke up thinking about the challenge in front of me today. All day long I was getting closer and as each hour ticked away I was becoming increasingly anxious. For someone who doesn't have these types of body image hangups, I'm sure it seems foreign and some of this post might even seem silly. I assure you, it's not.
Our perception is our reality. It may not be everyone else's reality, but it's very much ours. A little background first:
I was often the subject of cruel teasing as an overweight kid. One of the picking points was my chest. It wasn't even another kid who first told me I needed to wear a bra, it was actually a young adult. If memory serves--of course from my little kid perspective--this young adult may have been a teenager, I don't know. I wrote about this experience in my book "Transformation Road," here's an excerpt:
"There was a group of older boys, probably late teens, maybe early twenties, hanging out by a vehicle close to the staircase that led to our front door. I was almost home free. As I approached, their attention turned to me. One of them started laughing as he said the words that would embed in my brain forever. It didn't mean anything to those guys, it was just one of many laughs in their day-to-day lives, but to me, it cut deep and gave me a complex that has plagued me my entire life. He said, "Hey, you need to wear a bra." It hurt bad, those words. They hit me harder than any bullying or remarks about my weight up to that moment in time. I made it up the stairs before letting the tears flow, as as the tears dried, I was changed underneath. I would never swim again without a shirt on, I would never change shirts in front of anyone, I would always carry their careless words on the edge of my brain, ready to come front and center if my new boundary was ever threatened, and it was many times."
How much of an impact did this teasing have on me? It took more than a year for my former wife of twenty-one years to see me without a shirt on. I've had a couple of serious relationships since my divorce over four years ago--and neither of them ever laid eyes on me, regardless of the circumstance, without seeing the covering of a shirt or at least hearing my frantic pleas for them to "look away!"
And it wasn't just a shirt to cover up my chest, stretch marks and fat. It was also about covering up my damaged right leg. The swelling is very manageable now but this wasn't always the case. At over 500 pounds my right leg would swell to unnatural proportions, breaking the skin in several places--and each time it required time off to heal. My former wife Irene was like a nurse, becoming an expert in wound care, healing and wrapping with compression bandages. I was too big to do it myself, I couldn't reach. Weight loss has dramatically improved my right leg. I still have some occasional swelling but I have yet to have any more trouble with the painful skin breakage. The damage done is very clear. The skin on my lower right leg is forever discolored and scared. Hiding my damaged right leg has been another thing keeping me from allowing myself to enjoy a swim.
But what is it? Really?? I mean-- how can some people seem completely confident exposing their flaws without any hesitation while others allow it to paralyze them into hiding? I mean, really--is it 100% because of the teasing? Or is it in combination with larger issues concerning societal perspectives on what's attractive and what isn't? Maybe it goes deeper on a personal level with some kind of fear of rejection if my "secrets" were exposed. Really? I mean, come on--it hasn't been a very big secret that I was near, at or above 500 pounds for twenty years. And let's be 100% honest, clothing isn't always the best concealer!
"I don't want you to see me like this." Is that what it is?? The fear of disappointing someone? The fear that they may not see me the same as my imagination would like to believe they're seeing? I've been wearing my clothing like an invisibility cloak, at least in my brain, giving me a level of protection as long as I'm covered.
These hangups must go now. Since the personal epiphanies of May 15th, I finally know what it means and how to really love me. For the first time in my life I have unconditional self-love for all the right reasons and it shows every single day. Never before has an epiphany had such an impact. It's a life will never be the same kind of impact. And yet, for whatever reason--I still have the hangups I've allowed to render me "less than" my entire life.
Walking out of the locker room tonight and doing something I've wanted to do again, for a very long time, is a monumental victory. It's transformative, totally exposing the fallacy of the alternate reality I believed existed. Remember, our perception is our reality--until something comes along to shatter that perception, giving us a glimpse of the truest reality that is powerfully real. When we get that glimpse, we must open our eyes to what we're experiencing, it is the truth and the truth sets us free.
Trusting in the existence of a reality that isn't in line with what we've believed is very tough. It requires a large amount of faith and trust and the ability to step outside of ourselves long enough to consider the possibilities, while suspending the embedded beliefs that have kept our brain locked in position.
At the precise moment this video ended, a large man--easily seventy to one hundred pounds heavier than me with a swelling issue in his left leg, walked past me--through the door and into the pool area. He walked tall with complete confidence, like he had done this a thousand times. The timing was unreal. I needed to see him do what he did. And he didn't even know me or my struggle, and even bigger--he didn't know how much he helped me in that moment. I followed right behind him. As he made his way to the hot tub, I made mine toward my daughter Amber in the lap pool area.
There I was, legs exposed and ready to lose the shirt for a relaxing swim after my hardcore spin class. There wasn't a throng of people making fun of me. Not one person was staring or acting like anything was abnormal. I even asked Amber, "did you see the guy walk out right before me?" It was such a perfect timing thing, I was questioning if seeing him had been a figment of my imagination. She did see him. Turns out the only figment of imagination was the one I kept for more than three decades, because now--out in the open, the authentic reality was proven: The only person that ever cared how I looked, was me!!! All of the hangups were IN MY HEAD. My perception of reality was blown to bits, replaced by the truth. And I was free, to swim.
I messaged back and forth with Michael on the West Coast a few days ago. Michael is a regular reader of this blog and was one who agreed to overcome his nearly identical hangups too, agreeing to do it tonight just like me. I told him that I would likely keep the shirt on and that wearing the swim trunks would be enough of a challenge for right now. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized leaving the shirt on would be contrary to the point of this entire experience. So, right before getting in the water, I did it. I took off the shirt and tossed it aside. Still, the world was well. And I was in the water.
I felt completely naked for the first five minutes. Then, the feeling of vulnerability was replaced by a rush of freedom that will likely impact me in positive ways the rest of my life.
If I truly analyze my body, notice I typed analyze--not criticize--I have a natural undertone of sorts. The pronounced "man boobs" are only there because I have naturally built pecs underneath. Seriously-I can make them dance to a beat--no, for real, I can. I'll spare you that video!
You know what? I can't think of a better time to share with you a picture and some encouraging words from my very own father. He sent me the picture below with the caption "Pecs at 67, you can do it Son."
This picture is like looking 25 years into my future. Nice, dad. Thank you. Apparently pronounced pecs are a source of family pride. Who knew? It's all in the perspective, huh?
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With all of the exercise (45 minute killer spin class before swimming), I struggled to get enough calories to properly fuel my body today. I tried my best though, as you'll see in the below Tweets. I took a suggestion to add some solid nutrition calories to my efforts to get my net calories after exercise up to at least 1200. Despite intentionally consuming 293 calories beyond my 1700 per day, my net calories after exercise was still only 939. It's very hard to change the mindset I've held during my initial weight loss and up until very recently. I never adjusted calories in consideration of exercise calories burned. I never before considered how the body works and how it needs fuel to work properly. It just seems foreign to me to eat more in an effort to lose more. It feels like I'm doing the opposite of what I need. I've been asked to trust the process and that's what I'm doing. And it's all good, because I'm in this for life. And one of the lessons I've learned along this road: I must never close my mind to learning new things. I pray I never again adopt an I've learned all I need to know type attitude, because that kind of attitude is almost always the first step off the cliff.
Okay--Food Tweets:
Roast beef & swiss omelet. 2 whole eggs/2 whites w/slice of Swiss and 1/2 serving roast beef. Apple, peach. 430 cal. pic.twitter.com/nTNYpec1Eb
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 4, 2014
Turkey & muenster on Jos. pita, grilled w/Foreman, strwbrries, watrmln, 1/3 srv rice chips. LC light wedge. 358 cal. pic.twitter.com/GenyloLYam
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 4, 2014
Not eating these. They sat beside me on the employee lunch table as I dined. Within reach. But I'm not reaching! pic.twitter.com/mKiS9L576z
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 4, 2014
Turkey (2oz), roast beef (4slice srving), two Laughing Cow Light Creamy Swiss Wedges. 180 cal. pic.twitter.com/jY2QOrsgCy
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 4, 2014
Fast grocery trip! pic.twitter.com/FtCioumwYY
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 5, 2014
Vanilla Shakeology (.80 srv), 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 serving all natural peanut butter. 239 cal. pic.twitter.com/CqJury3lhY
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 5, 2014
Two beef (5oz) & swiss tacos, avocado (110g), pear, all natural sweet potato chips (14g). #lastfoodofday 736 cal. pic.twitter.com/SRARbSuV1D
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 5, 2014
Thank you for reading this exceptionally long post!
And thank you for your incredibly generous support,
Strength,
Sean
