Showing posts with label swimming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label swimming. Show all posts

Friday, August 8, 2014

August 8th, 2014 Just One Bite

August 8th, 2014 Just One Bite

I was offered "just a bite" of something sugar laden three times this week. It didn't phase me in the least, I just smile and say "I don't eat sugar." Not "I can't have sugar," because clearly I can. I choose to NOT eat sugar because after forty-two years of research, I've concluded that it activates a reactive addiction cycle within me. One of the offerings came with "Oh, come on, a little tiny bite won't kill you!" Another was "It's not big enough to hurt you!" I don't blame these people, it's fine--I get it. It's interesting to me that I'm the one most at peace with giving up sugar, while some around me seem slightly perplexed and in a way, sympathetic. "Oh, that's right, I'm sorry...how are you doing with that?" Like it's a huge burden on me. It isn't at all. 

It's easily one of the greatest food experiences of my life. To be released from the constant urges to binge, where I felt possessed, has been nothing short of a miracle. Remember--I'm the man who would fantasize about his upcoming late night binge while driving to a big dinner at a friend's house. Or, after telling myself I had to stop the three or four times a week giant ice cream shake habit that not another soul knew about, I'm the same guy that would then put on his shoes at 10:25 pm and drive like a maniac to make it into the drive through by 10:30 pm for another "fix," not because I necessarily wanted to do it--I felt compelled to do it, driven to do it. I was scared out of my mind because I was doing it. In the middle of that fierce addictive cycle, I feared I was too lost to ever make it back.

Richard Pryor was once asked if he could ever imagine getting his addictions under control, to which he replied, "I got the demon." And although the addictive substances are drastically different, I understand what he meant, completely.

We would never ask an alcoholic in recovery to take a sip of vodka because "a tiny bit won't kill you." And if we did, the recovering alcoholic would likely disagree with that statement.

I have traded the terrifying chaos for peace and sacrificing my peace for a piece of anything full of sugar, isn't worth the trade, ever.

It will happen again, the offers, just like the three times this week and it's perfectly okay. Unless someone has lived these dynamics, it's nearly impossible for them to grasp the magnitude of "just one bite" for someone like me. I don't have any issues with someone encouraging me to indulge. I'll continue smiling and simply saying, "I don't eat sugar."

The fact that I am here, doing what I do and doing better than I ever have, is nothing short of a miracle from above. I'm immensely grateful. 

My planned workout tonight was a nice combination of elliptical and swimming. I hit the elliptical hard for 30 minutes then took to the deep end of the family pool because the Y closes the lap pool at 7pm on Friday. It wasn't as good of a workout as I get in the lap pool, but it was still good. Instead of swimming various strokes, I did several different aerobic movements in my corner of the pool. At some point I'll stop mentioning the following--but for now it's too fresh to not: No anxiety, no hesitation, no worries about what anyone thinks, stood alongside the pool in a bathing suit, without a shirt as I prepared to deal with the initial "cold dip" and everything was fine...in fact, it was better than fine. It was beautiful. I swam three times this week and it felt INCREDIBLE. The transformation of perspective is one of the biggest along this road.

In an effort to bump up my calories in consideration of calories burned, I've added some nutritionally dense foods. This is the compromise I'm making with the part of my brain that resists adding calories for fear of gaining. Adding the extra calories is giving my metabolism what it needs to properly work and if the metabolism is working properly and the body is getting what it needs, I'll continue losing weight. The deal is simple: I'll break my 1700 calorie bank, but only with the most nutritious foods. I've added some Shakeology, as you'll see in the tweet below. After burning 888 calories today, my 288 calorie vanilla-banana-all natural peanut butter smoothie #lastfoodofday still didn't bring me to 1200 net calories. I ended the food day at 1,904 calories and 1,016 net calories after calories burned. It takes some careful planning, for sure.

Also, I'd like to make extra sure that MyFitnesPal is calculating calories burned accurately. The app considers my height and weight, so it should be close. In an effort to "check" it, I'm borrowing a monitor from a dear friend. It will give me an accurate reading for comparison to the MFP numbers.

You'll find something missing from my meal Tweets today. Be one of the first three to correctly identify what's missing and you'll win an MP3 audio version disk of my book Transformation Road-My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back. Good luck!

Meal Tweets:








What's missing in today's food tweets? Be one of the first three to answer correctly and you'll win! Good luck!

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, August 4, 2014

August 4th, 2014 Exposing The Fallacy of The Alternate Reality I Believed Existed or Simply, Swim Day!

August 4th, 2014 Exposing The Fallacy of The Alternate Reality I Believed Existed or Simply, Swim Day!

I woke up thinking about the challenge in front of me today. All day long I was getting closer and as each hour ticked away I was becoming increasingly anxious. For someone who doesn't have these types of body image hangups, I'm sure it seems foreign and some of this post might even seem silly. I assure you, it's not.

Our perception is our reality. It may not be everyone else's reality, but it's very much ours. A little background first:

I was often the subject of cruel teasing as an overweight kid. One of the picking points was my chest. It wasn't even another kid who first told me I needed to wear a bra, it was actually a young adult. If memory serves--of course from my little kid perspective--this young adult may have been a teenager, I don't know. I wrote about this experience in my book "Transformation Road," here's an excerpt:

"There was a group of older boys, probably late teens, maybe early twenties, hanging out by a vehicle close to the staircase that led to our front door. I was almost home free. As I approached, their attention turned to me. One of them started laughing as he said the words that would embed in my brain forever. It didn't mean anything to those guys, it was just one of many laughs in their day-to-day lives, but to me, it cut deep and gave me a complex that has plagued me my entire life. He said, "Hey, you need to wear a bra." It hurt bad, those words. They hit me harder than any bullying or remarks about my weight up to that moment in time. I made it up the stairs before letting the tears flow, as as the tears dried, I was changed underneath. I would never swim again without a shirt on, I would never change shirts in front of anyone, I would always carry their careless words on the edge of my brain, ready to come front and center if my new boundary was ever threatened, and it was many times."

 How much of an impact did this teasing have on me? It took more than a year for my former wife of twenty-one years to see me without a shirt on. I've had a couple of serious relationships since my divorce over four years ago--and neither of them ever laid eyes on me, regardless of the circumstance, without seeing the covering of a shirt or at least hearing my frantic pleas for them to "look away!"

And it wasn't just a shirt to cover up my chest, stretch marks and fat. It was also about covering up my damaged right leg. The swelling is very manageable now but this wasn't always the case. At over 500 pounds my right leg would swell to unnatural proportions, breaking the skin in several places--and each time it required time off to heal. My former wife Irene was like a nurse, becoming an expert in wound care, healing and wrapping with compression bandages. I was too big to do it myself, I couldn't reach. Weight loss has dramatically improved my right leg. I still have some occasional swelling but I have yet to have any more trouble with the painful skin breakage. The damage done is very clear. The skin on my lower right leg is forever discolored and scared. Hiding my damaged right leg has been another thing keeping me from allowing myself to enjoy a swim.

But what is it? Really?? I mean-- how can some people seem completely confident exposing their flaws without any hesitation while others allow it to paralyze them into hiding? I mean, really--is it 100% because of the teasing? Or is it in combination with larger issues concerning societal perspectives on what's attractive and what isn't? Maybe it goes deeper on a personal level with some kind of fear of rejection if my "secrets" were exposed. Really? I mean, come on--it hasn't been a very big secret that I was near, at or above 500 pounds for twenty years. And let's be 100% honest, clothing isn't always the best concealer!

"I don't want you to see me like this." Is that what it is?? The fear of disappointing someone? The fear that they may not see me the same as my imagination would like to believe they're seeing? I've been wearing my clothing like an invisibility cloak, at least in my brain, giving me a level of protection as long as I'm covered.

These hangups must go now. Since the personal epiphanies of May 15th, I finally know what it means and how to really love me. For the first time in my life I have unconditional self-love for all the right reasons and it shows every single day. Never before has an epiphany had such an impact. It's a life will never be the same kind of impact.  And yet, for whatever reason--I still have the hangups I've allowed to render me "less than" my entire life.

Walking out of the locker room tonight and doing something I've wanted to do again, for a very long time, is a monumental victory. It's transformative, totally exposing the fallacy of the alternate reality I believed existed. Remember, our perception is our reality--until something comes along to shatter that perception, giving us a glimpse of the truest reality that is powerfully real. When we get that glimpse, we must open our eyes to what we're experiencing, it is the truth and the truth sets us free.

Trusting in the existence of a reality that isn't in line with what we've believed is very tough. It requires a large amount of faith and trust and the ability to step outside of ourselves long enough to consider the possibilities, while suspending the embedded beliefs that have kept our brain locked in position.

At the precise moment this video ended, a large man--easily seventy to one hundred pounds heavier than me with a swelling issue in his left leg, walked past me--through the door and into the pool area. He walked tall with complete confidence, like he had done this a thousand times. The timing was unreal. I needed to see him do what he did. And he didn't even know me or my struggle, and even bigger--he didn't know how much he helped me in that moment. I followed right behind him. As he made his way to the hot tub, I made mine toward my daughter Amber in the lap pool area.

There I was, legs exposed and ready to lose the shirt for a relaxing swim after my hardcore spin class. There wasn't a throng of people making fun of me. Not one person was staring or acting like anything was abnormal. I even asked Amber, "did you see the guy walk out right before me?" It was such a perfect timing thing, I was questioning if seeing him had been a figment of my imagination. She did see him. Turns out the only figment of imagination was the one I kept for more than three decades, because now--out in the open, the authentic reality was proven: The only person that ever cared how I looked, was me!!! All of the hangups were IN MY HEAD. My perception of reality was blown to bits, replaced by the truth. And I was free, to swim.


I messaged back and forth with Michael on the West Coast a few days ago. Michael is a regular reader of this blog and was one who agreed to overcome his nearly identical hangups too, agreeing to do it tonight just like me. I told him that I would likely keep the shirt on and that wearing the swim trunks would be enough of a challenge for right now. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized leaving the shirt on would be contrary to the point of this entire experience. So, right before getting in the water, I did it. I took off the shirt and tossed it aside. Still, the world was well. And I was in the water.

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I felt completely naked for the first five minutes. Then, the feeling of vulnerability was replaced by a rush of freedom that will likely impact me in positive ways the rest of my life.

If I truly analyze my body, notice I typed analyze--not criticize--I have a natural undertone of sorts. The pronounced "man boobs" are only there because I have naturally built pecs underneath. Seriously-I can make them dance to a beat--no, for real, I can. I'll spare you that video!

You know what? I can't think of a better time to share with you a picture and some encouraging words from my very own father. He sent me the picture below with the caption "Pecs at 67, you can do it Son."
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This picture is like looking 25 years into my future. Nice, dad. Thank you. Apparently pronounced pecs are a source of family pride. Who knew? It's all in the perspective, huh?
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With all of the exercise (45 minute killer spin class before swimming), I struggled to get enough calories to properly fuel my body today. I tried my best though, as you'll see in the below Tweets. I took a suggestion to add some solid nutrition calories to my efforts to get my net calories after exercise up to at least 1200. Despite intentionally consuming 293 calories beyond my 1700 per day, my net calories after exercise was still only 939. It's very hard to change the mindset I've held during my initial weight loss and up until very recently. I never adjusted calories in consideration of exercise calories burned. I never before considered how the body works and how it needs fuel to work properly. It just seems foreign to me to eat more in an effort to lose more. It feels like I'm doing the opposite of what I need. I've been asked to trust the process and that's what I'm doing. And it's all good, because I'm in this for life. And one of the lessons I've learned along this road: I must never close my mind to learning new things. I pray I never again adopt an I've learned all I need to know type attitude, because that kind of attitude is almost always the first step off the cliff.

Okay--Food Tweets:














Thank you for reading this exceptionally long post!
And thank you for your incredibly generous support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, July 31, 2014

July 31st, 2014 That's The Truth

July 31st, 2014 That's The Truth

Sharing my challenge on last night's post took me from scared to fairly confident pretty quickly. Thank you for the tremendous support. I wasn't going to share it but I'm glad I did. It's a very real thing--a powerful thing and why wouldn't I share it here? I've received several messages today from wonderful people who felt every single word as if it were their own story, because it is. If you were one of those sending me a message today, thank you. When we relate with one another like that--it feels good, because we realize we're not alone. 

My one time roommate in L.A., who is a very successful comic, never had these issues. And if he did, he never let them stop him from enjoying life to the fullest. When I was roommates with him and his girlfriend (now his wife), he topped around 600 pounds, while I was around 500. (I think he's now around 350! Good for him!) The two of us couldn't have been more different from one another. His decisions were never affected by what will they think of me type thoughts. He once stripped down in front of the entire cast and crew of a show he was on--and jumped into the swimming pool---while the cameras were rolling. He just couldn't care less what anyone thought of him, ever. His weight never stopped his physicality or his opinionated comic perspective and he's reaped wonderful rewards because of this genuineness. I would lay in bed at night in our South Central apartment and dream of having an ounce of his courageous attitude.

He helped me get in the door at the Kimmel show and was astonished when I turned down a decent paycheck when an initial offer came my way for an appearance. I wrote about it in my book. The Kimmel segment producer wanted me to dress as cupid on their Valentines Day show 2003. I turned it down immediately in the name of self-respect--which is a perfectly legitimate decline. Honestly, I needed the money--badly. It's VERY expensive to live in L.A., not to mention I had a young family back in Oklahoma needing my support. And had I not been so hung up with body issues, I would have done it with a smile. That's the truth.

Thank goodness getting in the pool Monday (that's the day I've chosen) will not be nationally televised. It'll be me and whomever else is enjoying the fantastic exercise of a good swim. And despite what my brain says--there will not be anyone saying anything derogatory toward me or about me, if anything--it'll be supportive and encouraging. That's also the truth.

I bought a bathing suit today. I'm taking small steps--actions that support my ultimate goal of getting in the pool. I shared the challenge with you in last night's post and now I've bought swim trunks. Monday will be here before I know it and then the real test happens. I'm looking forward to sharing it on this blog and if you relate to this struggle, maybe we'll both find some semblance of peace through the experience.

I planned on inviting both of my daughters to join me for lunch today at the studio. Courtney was busy taking my grandson to the doctor for an ear infection and then she had to get to work--so it was just Amber and me, visiting--laughing and enjoying our lunch together. One of the big "side effects" of feeling better in every way is enjoying the company of the ones you love on a much deeper level than before, when the preoccupation with feeling like crud took too much head space. If you asked those whom I care about, I'm confident they've noticed the dramatic difference. I'm a much better listener when the noise is turned down.

I turned the resistance up to six on the elliptical tonight and it was like a brand new workout. I was challenged. It's so easy to get in a groove and keep the resistance level the same--but our bodies are smart and adaptable--and our muscles learn quickly how to manage repetitive motions. I gave my body a curve ball tonight and it was incredible.

My meal Tweets and a few others today:












Thank you for reading and for your awesome support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

July 30th, 2014 Isn't That Something?

July 30th, 2014 Isn't That Something?

I'm feeling wonderful these days. I can see and feel my body getting smaller, the bigger emotional and mental dynamics seem to be in their most wonderful place, ever, in my life. As Life Coach Gerri put it, "You're firing on all cylinders, huh buddy?" I am and it feels amazing. Still, no binges and no urges to binge. As each day passes and becomes another in this string of consistency, I'm more convinced than ever that the elimination of sugar from my daily intake has made a profound difference.

I was inspired to create and accept a challenge during last night's support group conference call. I've committed to go swimming at the YMCA sometime between now and Tuesday. I love swimming. It's one of the best exercises too, but I don't do it because I have body issue hangups.

Isn't that something? I've experienced the greatest emotional freedom of my entire life since May 15th's "epiphany day," and still--STILL, I have an emotionally paralyzing time allowing myself to put on a pair of shorts and enjoy a swim. What do I fear?

This isn't even about my weight gain and the fact that I'm roughly 100 pounds heavier at this moment than I was at my healthiest weight. It's not about that at all. How can I be certain? Because even at a trim 230, I wouldn't do it. The only swimming I did back then was at a friend's private dock with family and even that was tough. This hangup goes all the way back to my childhood and the teasing I received. It's as if my brain is conditioned to expect a throng of people waiting at the pool ready to laugh and make fun of me as soon as I walk out of the locker room. We both know this is all in my head. But it holds power over me none the less. It does because I allow it.

It will take every ounce of bravery in me to get over this and enjoy a workout in the pool sometime over the next few days. I'm going to do it. I'm going to feel the freedom and I'm going to reveal the truth behind the hangups I've protected my entire life. It's fear mixed with imagination, seasoned with experiences from long ago. I'm not twelve years old anymore. I'm an adult--a smart, talented, funny and compassionate man. I have confidence in those things. I have none in other things. That's about to change.

Spinning class was wonderful tonight. The instructor used my music. Kind of strange, simply because I'm usually the only one hearing it and now this class knows exactly what I groove to when I'm doing other things at the YMCA. It was cool seeing how others were obviously appreciating the mix of mostly 80's pop. The two songs I wanted to play during the class never came up in the shuffled playlist: Imagine Dragons "Radioactive" and Walk Off The Earth's "R.E.V.O."--both would be great spinning songs!

I've actually gone over my calorie budget intentionally today. In an effort to hit 1200 net calories (calories after burned exercise calories.) I closed my calorie bank at 1,930. Since I burned 800 calories during spin class, I needed to hit at least 2,000 today. I came up short by 70 calories. Progress, not perfection! It's very difficult to break the mind of the eat less-lose more way of thinking. I understand why it's important to add some fuel on high workout days but It doesn't automatically override the branded way of thinking. I never changed my calorie budget from 1500 during my initial 275 pound weight loss. This fact is likely why I lost the first 200 in ten months and spent the next sixteen months losing the last 75 pounds.

I must trust the process. I must give my body what it needs in order to work as efficiently as possible. I'm learning as I go. I can make adjustments later if needed.

My meal tweets today:








Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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