Day 579 Rough Start, Anniversary, and Driver License Photo Fun

Day 579

Rough Start, Anniversary, and Driver License Photo Fun

I slept hard last night. After one of the busiest days I've had in a very long time, I finally hit the pillow at almost midnight. The alarm was set for 4am, but it didn't have a chance. I slept hard and fast right through two alarms and the 5am train that barrels through less than a hundred yards from my bedroom balcony. I finally woke up in a panic at 5:35, realizing that my morning routine was completely shot. I immediately starting thinking about how I should best approach the situation. I decided the morning non-weighted strength training would have to wait until later in the day, along with my shower, writing, and almost everything else...except breakfast. Breakfast is a can't miss. I didn't have time to cook breakfast, I had to be on the air at 6am, so I did a drive-thru. Had to do it. Scrambled eggs for 170 and a small fruit and yogurt minus the granola for 130. I had some fresh fruit at the studio for later, so I was going to make it. I settled into what became a really good show. It's strange really, some of my best radio performances come on a morning like this---when I'm hurried and beside myself. I don't understand that.

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary. For once, I didn't mention the anniversary on my radio show, too awkward given the circumstances. We were just kids, 17 years old all those years ago, completely ill prepared for marriage and children—but we did it anyway, becoming best friends and pretty good parents along the way. We laughed, loved, dreamed, cried, triumphed together, fell hard occasionally---yep, we did it all---living and learning the hard way, because the hard way was what we always made it, and I'm not sure I would change it if I could. It's made us who we are today. We're going to both come out of this divorce better people, more seasoned adults, and you know what? Despite anything and everything, we're always going to care deeply for one another. That doesn't change.

I made a trip to the tag office today. It was time to renew my driver license. The people that work there remember me well at over 500 pounds. It's always fun to see their smiles and answer their questions, “So, are you still losing?” “How are you feeling?” Yes and great---the answers to those two questions. I see these folks a few times a year when it comes time to renew a tag on one of our vehicles. They've witnessed my transformation in different and dramatic chunks. The picture today was smaller than the one from October, and both are much smaller than the one from 2006. My weight on the old one isn't accurate—I was headed back to over 500 pounds after losing 115 pounds in 2004. If I had to guess, I was pretty close to gaining it all back by 2006. Today, I handed my old license over and they immediately recognized the incorrect information. The weight was wrong---the height is still wrong, I'm 6' 3”, not 6' 2”, but oh well---the cool thing is my weight---258. That looks really good on my license. It looks normal, and that's awesome.

My time travels today on this weight loss road took me back to April 16th, 2009:

What a gift it is to be able to totally transform my appearance. It's almost magical. Think about that for a minute. Only people with a bunch of weight to lose have the power and ability to transform their appearance completely. There isn't a plastic surgery in the world that could even come close to the transformation destination I'm headed. That's exciting, real exciting. Still, like many overweight people, especially morbidly obese people who lose weight, the brain is always the last to fully accept and acknowledge the change. I can't count how many times I've said my weight recently as four something instead of three something, then I correct myself, or Irene corrects me. “You mean three fifty-nine, right?” “Oh, yeah, of course!” It's very interesting how the brain works. I was over 500 pounds so long that my brain is just really accustomed to all of the limitations and extreme restrictions I had to work around. When I look at these size 48's I'm wearing, they look way too little for me, or so my brain thinks, until I put them on and my brain says “Oh, my mistake.” After losing 146 pounds, my appearance has changed dramatically, but this is only the beginning. I just crossed the half-way mark. That's really amazing to me. I'm thrilled at what the future holds. I'm loving the new appearance as it slowly emerges.

A while back someone said that they “would miss the old Sean.” That statement really made me think about this journey on a deeper level. After some internal debate on the subject, I've concluded the following: The only thing that could be missed is my 505 pound appearance. That 505 pound guy is gone forever. But I'm still here. My existence at that weight was suffocating the real me inside. Whatever wonderful changes in my personality that come forward from this transformation were always there to begin with, just held back, oppressed, never allowed to see the light of day. The me that's emerging is an enhanced version. A version that has no limits, a version that believes anything is possible, a version with a renewed spirit and ability to dream dreams that were long since forgotten inside the old me. I've always been told that I was “likable.” I guess that's what the friend was referring when he said he'd miss that 505 pound Sean. That big jolly, smiling, always ready to laugh, always wanting to please, always wanting to be liked, the big guy that would go to great lengths for a laugh because it made him feel good for a minute, that guy was miserable inside. You rarely see the tears of a clown my friend. But Irene has. My mom has. My daughters have. There have been many that even they've never witnessed. In every way, the emerging me is much more genuine and real than the old Sean ever thought about being. Gone is the smiling mask I once wore to hide the real me, it's replaced with a genuine smile and brand new attitude. I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore. Everybody has a different idea of happiness. I use to think happiness would be winning the lottery, but this journey has given me a clearer understanding of real, true happiness. Now I understand when wealthy people say they're unhappy. I never could understand how someone could have everything and anything money could buy, but still feel unhappy. Now I understand the reason why happiness can't be bought for any price.

To me, true happiness is being able to be the real me. True happiness is found in the honest purity of our true selves. Oh my, am I rambling here? Let me wrap this up by saying that I will never miss that 505 pound guy I once appeared to be, because that wasn't the real me. Like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, I'm finally emerging from years of hiding inside that guy, becoming what I was always meant to be. Happiness is knowing that the positive personality I project mirrors how I really feel inside.

I was able to come home this afternoon and complete my non-weighted strength training exercises. I grabbed a quick little nap and headed out for my evening plans. I had a couple of stops before hitting the weight machines at the YMCA---and then traveling to Stillwater to pick up mom for a weekend in Ponca City. The weight training tonight was good. I'm not sure if I'm getting stronger just yet, but maybe. I feel a difference that's hard to explain. We'll keep on doing it and see where it takes me! That's exciting. I finished with the weights at almost 7:45—then traveled South to Stillwater for mom.

My intentions were to do the 5K I missed yesterday, today---in the cool rain if needed. I allowed that to become tonight, after getting mom. Mom and I went grocery shopping for the weekend, then we were invited over to Irene's place for a late night coffee and visit with her and Courtney. It was just after midnight when we left---and I looked at mom and said, “You know I didn't get my 5K in tonight, and I told myself that I would be making that up today.” Mom replied, “But it's late and raining!” That never stopped me before...late and raining can make for a fun 5K. I made the choice to just get us home tonight. We talked about accountability too---and mom gave me some wonderful rationalizations to use, if I needed to feel better about missing this 5K---thank you momma. Nope---I'll just admit it and move forward. I'll have work to do tomorrow!

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Special thanks to Gayle Williams for putting this image together for me! The weight on the first two is completely wrong. The first picture, oh my---I was somewhere nearing 500 again. The second was last October...maybe thirty-five pounds or so ago---they just didn't change the weight. And the height is incorrect too. But the cool thing? The weight on the last picture is accurate: 258!

Day 578 A Really Long Day and A Cluster of "Befores"

Day 578

A Really Long Day and A Cluster of “Befores”

Today, oh wow, today has been something else. It started out early and good and ended up late and just OK. I was up early, before 4am, did my non-weighted strength training, had breakfast, blogged, worked on returning messages, and had a really decent radio show from 6 to 9am. Then I realized that my day wasn’t going to end until after 10pm. No nappy time for Sean today. Team Radio and Ponca City Medical Center was hosting a big Taste of Home Cooking School---and everyone on staff was required to attend and help.

My schedule pushed my planned 5K back to after 10pm, and by that time---I decided to let myself off the hook, but not completely. I did do another set of non-weighted strength training exercises. It wasn’t much really. I’m not thrilled about missing the 5K, it was a part of my stated workout goals for Thursday. I should have looked at the calendar a little closer before I made that schedule. Today wasn’t the day to plan anything outside of work. No complaints here, I mean really---we have a few days a year like this, and it’s always wonderful.

I had so many “wow” reactions and a couple of people asked, “are you still losing?” The best reaction was these two very nice ladies that came through the door, both of whom I’ve known for some time—but rarely see, and one spent a good few minutes trying to convince the other it was actually me standing there in front of her. She was shocked. Shock and awe is so much fun!

I nibbled cheese, crackers, and shaved ham at the Wal-Mart courtesy food table—and devoured a 100 calorie pack of little Pecan Sandies. I didn’t stick around for the cooking demonstrations, instead I took a little break before returning to help load out. I ran home long enough to eat some chicken and a couple of eggs—and then I fell asleep for a little less than an hour. Big thanks to a couple of friends of mine that made sure I didn’t oversleep my little nap. I know---napping right after a meal isn’t the best thing to do, but as you already know---I don’t always do the best thing to do. If you wanted to really be hardcore on me---you could say that I should have used that break time for my 5K. I was slap happy tired and hungry for a solid dinner---and I was in work mode---not exercise mode. Of course, I think last year when I took a break at this show---I did go for my walk. Hmmmm…Maybe I should have…Yeah, probably. BUT---Tomorrow is a light schedule on the exercise list, with weight training at the YMCA and non-weighted strength training---I’ll be adding a 5K to the list for sure!

I went back to April 15th, 2009 and found it to be weigh day. 101 pounds ago:

Today was weigh day. After lunch I ran home for a few minutes, then it was off to the scales at Ponca City Medical Center. I had a feeling that it would be good based on a few factors. For one, I've completed a couple of 10K's in the last two weeks and several 5K's. I've also noticed my 48's fitting a little more loose. And the biggest difference is something I should have been doing from Day 1, but haven't: I'm making sure I eat something every 2.5 to 3 hours (except this morning of course). It feels like I'm constantly eating something, I'm never hungry, and my metabolism is constantly processing something. Last weigh day I'd lost 6 pounds, the weigh day before that-5 pounds, and today I stepped on the scale and had lost another 9 pounds! I'm thrilled with this result! Nine pounds! On this day, the seven month anniversary of this journey, I weighed in at 359!! I'm in the 350's!! That's so amazing to me. It's hard to believe that 213 days ago I weighed 505 pounds. What a dramatic change! Today's results bring the overall total to 146 pounds lost in 213 days. That's workin' it my friend! And you read what I eat! Those around me eat with me! This is the furthest thing from deprivation. I'm eating the way I'm supposed to and the weight is falling off. I'm very excited, can you tell?

Wow, a 9 pound loss! Oh, the good old days! Remember? I do…oh how I was so thrilled! I’m still thrilled---Look how far I’ve come! Cilley Girl, in case you’re reading---did you see that? I did it again---not with pictures, but with words. I admitted that my workout wasn’t what it should have been today---then I immediately go into a paragraph about a nine pound loss on a weigh day from a year ago, prefaced with the fact that I’ve lost an additional 101 pounds since that day! I’m so predictable! I’m smiling big. But I’m not going to post recent pics. I’m going to post huge before pictures instead. Seriously---it’s a good idea to never forget---and to always remember what kind of commitment has brought me to where I am.

It was a long work day, but a great day really. It wasn’t a perfect day, but hardly any are perfect…except for last Monday---that was pretty dog gone perfect. I’m feeling good, super good!

Tomorrow I will renew my driver’s license. I asked Gayle (friend, co-worker, computer genius) to do some scanning and blurry editing magic on three drivers licenses (concealing personal info)---so I can show you the contrast in pictures. I should really learn how to do this kind of stuff, huh?

Thank you for reading! I’m excited about my mom coming up for a few days. That’s right! I didn’t tell you already? Yep, I’m picking Mom up tomorrow, and she’s spending the weekend with me! We’ll eat together, workout together, and spend some awesome quality time together! Oh—and here’s a news bulletin—My dad sent me a text saying that he’ll be coming here next month! I was planning a trip to Alabama, and I still will make that trip soon, but this is sooner---awesome! I can’t wait to spend time with him—it’ll be wonderful! And the pictures we’ll take---Yes! Can’t wait! Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean


Sean and Irene


Looking absolutely miserable


Fake smile. Miserable.


Big Daddy has the cake!!!


Uhhhgggg.


Mom, Daughter, Daddy


ENOUGH already! I get it! Geez….OK---I need to go workout now.

Day 577 Weigh Down in The 250's and She Set It On Fire, Again

Day 577

Weigh Down in The 250's and She Set It On Fire, Again

It's hard to sometimes describe the elation I feel. The changes in me are so much more than physical, but the physical changes get all the glory. The elation, that overwhelming happiness that boils over every once in a while, it doesn't come exclusively as a result of what I see in the mirror. It comes mostly from what I feel on the inside and that is a feeling so hard to describe---it's a confidence I've never known. And I get treated differently by people, and this isn't speaking ill of those who treat me different---they can't help it, because the Sean they see and interact with has changed in a very profound way. I'm different in so many wonderful ways, so why wouldn't I expect to be treated differently in so many wonderful ways. People react to what we give them, and if what they see and experience is dramatically different than our previous image---then of course their reaction to us is different. It's human nature, a very real study in our basic behaviors in change. It's not bad, just interesting. You see, although the physical changes get all the glory, so to speak, all of the other changes come out and create what people see and feel from us. I've always treated butterflies different than caterpillars.

Today was weigh day number, uh...who knows? I would have to go back and count---and that might take a little while. I guess I could do some simple math. But I don't like math. Unless it involves subtracting three more pounds from my weight!!! Oh yeah...I walked into the doctors office, jumped on the scale, and a weight popped up that I haven't laid eyes on since I was a kid, seriously---since I was twelve or thirteen---258! Are you serious? Me? I'm in the 250's. I don't even care that I somehow felt that I deserved a four or five pound loss---that's nonsense, but I really expected more than three. But---no complaints here! I just stood there on the scale, feeling incredible, and the nurse gave me that look of “wow,” and then I showed off my “505” tattoo---as she explained to a new nurse what it meant. Yes, yes, yes! I cannot wait to see 252.5---it's coming very soon---Oh, that Crossing Point---magical to me. It's all magical to me.

I arrived at spinning class, or cycling---as us big tough guys like to call it, with this excited happy feeling. I wasn't nervous anymore about the class. That nervousness has been replaced with confidence. And I don't know what kind of demented trainer came up with this routine today—maybe it was Maribeth, the instructor, but oh my. She had us going from high gears to low gears, back to high and sprint! Then we would drop down...hover! I really like hovering, standing and leaning all the way over on the handle bars---all the while, you're pedaling your heart out. What an amazing 45 minute burn! The wonderful feeling of now that was a workout, is undeniable after this class. It is a tremendous workout...”Gear 16, sprint!” Seriously? Wow.

After class, I spent several minutes regaining my composure before hitting the weight machines. These machines are really doing me right by helping me balance the weight between right and left. My right arm needs to catch up with my left, and it will. The machines are making sure my right arm works too. With the free weights, it's too easy to under-work my lesser arm.

Tonight I enjoyed some smoked chicken I picked up from a local barbecue restaurant. Every Tuesday they have a smoked chicken special, but I don't usually go on that day. I wait until Wednesday and then buy three or four of them for cheap---half price or better! These are half-chickens---and then I separate the breast and wing from the rest. I baked it up, completely reviving it's original juiciness, had some green beans ready to go---and a half a baked potato. It was an amazing meal and less than 400 calories!

I travel back in time 365 days everyday. It's sometimes a reminder of what it's taken to get this far and sometimes it's just entertaining to me...and sometimes it moves me. Today, while going back---I noticed the title “She Set It On Fire Tonight,” and even though I'm not scheduled to read it for another few days---I couldn't help myself. The night of Day 215 is one of my favorite memories along this road. It was a very powerful night, as you'll read in this excerpt. Courtney had reached a wonderful point in her weight loss journey, and witnessing my daughter regain confidence in herself---it makes me cry every time I think about it:

Once there was a little girl of eleven years old who was searching for something to make her feel better about her appearance. Her extra weight was wreaking havoc on her self-image and her confidence was at horribly low levels. She started looking for outfits that would “slim,” and became very particular about what she would and wouldn't wear. Then one day she discovered something that promised to tighten, slenderize, and magically improve her appearance. All she had to do was wear it everyday underneath her clothes. She started wearing this magical garment without telling her parents. In her mind it made all the difference in the world. It wasn't long before she became addicted. It was her secret garment. Not even her friends knew what she was wearing underneath. Wearing this undergarment required some extreme discipline and abuse to her body, for when she had it on, she couldn't easily go to the bathroom. So all through the sixth grade she held in any urge she had to use the restroom. Not once did she ever go to the bathroom, unless it was to check her appearance in the mirror. When her parents finally discovered this undergarment and realized how restrictive and possibly damaging it could be, they ordered it off and discarded. This did not go over well with this beautiful little girl. Her reaction was one of tears and screams, like they had just ripped her whole world out from under her. She convinced her parents that if she really had to use the restroom, she wouldn't let this undergarment get in the way, and they allowed the undergarment to stay in her possession, protecting her self-image like a bullet proof vest. Her obsession continued through the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and even 10th grades. Not one bathroom break in over four and a half years of school days. That is until a month ago. That's when this beautiful little girl, now 15 years old, took it off for good. Her weight loss success has made the undergarment completely useless. Her smaller size has rendered that “magical” garment powerless. She no longer needs that girdle to give her a boost of confidence about her appearance. Exercise and good calorie management has swooped in and really made some serious changes in her body and most importantly, in her mind. But she couldn't throw it away, what if she needed it again? So she hid it away. That little girl is my youngest daughter Courtney. Tonight Courtney finally convinced herself she would never need it again, so she pulled out that old girdle and started ripping it apart. We then took it one step further, walked out on our patio and lit it on fire. Tonight that girdle burned. It burned almost as bright as Courtney's new-found confidence and self-image.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Courtney, my youngest daughter. She did it---the very thing she clung to for so long to give her that extra boost of self-confidence---it was burning and she was smiling. It's one of my greatest memories along this road.

Day 576 The Day After Near Perfection and Important Stuff On The Fridge

Day 576

The Day After Near Perfection and Important Stuff On The Fridge

Yesterday was incredible. That's what I strive for, yesterday, a Monday no less! But everything---the food, the exercise, I even posted my blog at a decent hour last night. Wow...it felt good, real good. So how about today? It wasn't a yesterday, but it wasn't too bad. Boy, the day after a day like yesterday, just doesn't have a chance. It can be good, but like yesterday? That takes some work!

I found an interesting comment from CilleyGirl on Sunday's post:

I've noticed that whenever you don't meet your workout goals, you post a recent picture of yourself. As if to say, "I didn't do it, but look how pretty I've become anyways!" (It's become kind of a game for me -- and I mean that in the nicest way.) Maybe on those days you want to post a pic of the old Sean, so you remember why you don't want "right now" to be the end of your journey.

I smiled big when reading this, how revealing! I swear Cilley, that isn't intentional—but maybe you're on to something, a subconscious habit I didn't realize existed. Yesterday's current pic after the spinning class and right before weight training kind of threw you off didn't it, broke the pattern! Cilley, I sincerely appreciate your support! Thank you very much. Oh, and—I know you meant it in the nicest way. And good idea about looking at the big before pics instead of the “pretty” ones. “Pretty?” I certainly hope I don't come off like that. I do enjoy the dramatic difference of my transformation, but I don't think of myself as “pretty.” Cilley Girl, you're good!

I met Nici for lunch today at Subway. Although I didn't identify her by name yesterday, she's the friend that spent a large chunk of her weekend reading from Day 1 to Day 459. Although we just met on Saturday, we've communicated and worked together via phone and e-mail on advertising cooperative requirements for a mutual client. So it's not like we're total strangers. Today's lunch was something we have talked about doing for maybe a year or longer. Subway was easy really, I spent 410 calories total, and she had less. It really comes down to the dressing at that place. It's funny, Nici wanted me to show her how to best navigate this place---then I opt for a “light strip” of low fat mayo—and she requested plain mustard. She made the better choice calorie wise. I just allow for the thirty or so extra calories of that “light strip.” We talked about weight loss, the radio business, and surgical options for people. It was a good lunch and a good visit. Thanks Nici!

I made it home shortly after two pm. The sun was shining outside---a beautiful day for a 5K in the park. So what did I do? I took a nap. I sometimes wonder if my napping habits are just that, habit. Sure, I was a little tired, but I would have felt much better had I just gone out for my 5K in the sun. Instead, I bounced up after another too long nap, met up with Courtney, had dinner---and didn't get to the trail until the sun was long gone. It was still a wonderfully mild night, but really---I would have felt better doing it earlier. The important thing is this: I did it. My non-weighted strength training this morning and my 5K “or better” this evening. My stated workout plan for today is marked off the list I posted on the fridge. Yes---I printed it off and posted it on the fridge, right next to my daughters grades. Yep---Only important stuff gets attached to the fridge!! The fridge magnets are reserved for both of my daughters progress reports, very important bills, newspaper clippings, things like that. I'm very selective about what goes there...and now I see my workout plan for the week prominently displayed. It's so not like me to do this, but a change of habit---a change of routine---getting out of a rut, it certainly requires a different pattern in our behavior.

Tomorrow is weigh day again. After the one pound gain last time, I'm fairly confident I'll be down into the 250's for the first time since---you know, honestly---I don't remember. Maybe 12 or 13? We're getting down into some magical numbers, inching closer to a goal, and feeling absolutely incredible along the way. This is very cool!

I read the post from a year ago today and found an interesting excerpt. From April 13th, 2009:

People say “well, it doesn't change who you are on the inside.” Yes it does! It makes it better! I'm a much better, more caring, more tolerant, more loving, more driven, more excited, happier person on the inside than I ever was at over five hundred pounds. The exciting thing about this journey is, it keeps getting better. I keep losing weight and my appearance transforms, my health improves, my attitude changes, I mean, really, what kept me fat for so long if this is what I had to look forward to? My brain, that's what. The mind is an amazingly complex thing, isn't it?

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 575 Becoming What I Always Was On The Inside and Spinning--Round Two!

Day 575

Becoming What I Always Was On The Inside and Spinning—Round Two!

It's funny, for someone that always said “I don't do challenges,” I'm sure noticing the benefits of the added accountability! And exchanging workout plans via e-mail with Shannon and posting those plans on this blog has really upped the accountability factor too! Accountability was one of the biggest factors in my decision to start this blog on Day 1, and I felt it too, but mainly to myself. I've said it many times, I'd be writing the same blog even if I knew nobody would read, ever. And it certainly felt like that for the first 200 or so days. This blog is my self-therapy, my escape route from morbid obesity, it's me learning about me while becoming on the outside what I always was on the inside. So staying true to my hopes and dreams—my passion to escape, was and still burns hot. With or without the accountability factor turned on high, I know I'll get there...but, well--now it's different.

Now, with added readers---the accountability factor, and the responsibility I feel to my family and friends here is just through the roof. And it feels great! By not posting specific workout plans, I was avoiding that accountability. Oh sure, I'd still workout---but it made it too easy to miss. Missing a workout was unheard of for me in the beginning, you know that if you've read the archives. But after 244 pounds lost, the urgency is gone---and I feel so good compared to what I did at 505---You don't even need to compare, I just feel incredible, period. I never thought I would reach the point where my commitment to working out would be lacking, after all, it's a major part of what's brought me this far. But it did. And just as this daily diary has educated and counseled me about me so many times along the way, it has done it again. I've learned that even I need a kick in the britches every now and then, and that's exactly what these challenges and the workout list is doing. Good stuff indeed! Thank you Clyde, Tammy, and Shannon, and everyone who reads this daily blog...You're support has been an amazing gift to me, and I can't thank you enough.

I received a text today from a new local friend who has just discovered my blog. She told me that she was running today on only two hours of sleep. Why? Because she started reading from Day 1 and didn't stop until Day 459! Wow...that was cool and horrible all at the same time! I sincerely appreciate the support, but don't short yourself sleep, this blog isn't going anywhere! Thank you for reading my friend!

My hope is very simple. When someone reads these writings, I want them to discover the simplistic approach and how it naturally evolves with good choices. I want them to understand they they have the power within to do it too. I want them to feel and experience the epiphanies that I've had the pleasure of having along the way. I want them to dig deep within themselves and find a hope and clarity that just might set them free, like it has me. I wish I could bottle this feeling—I wish I could take their hand along this road, but I know I can't. In the end, your success is all you and your choices. If this blog sparks some hope and clarity, that's a very small part of what it takes. The good news? You have all the other ingredients inside you. I can honestly, from the bottom of my heart say: After being near, at, or above 500 pounds for the better part of two decades, and feeling hopeless and failing at every turn---If I can somehow finally do it, despite every reason I ever let hold me back, still existing, then---you can do this too.

I came home for lunch today and within ten minutes, I had a beautiful lunch hot and ready, on the plate. I used the Foreman Grill for the peppered chicken breast and the microwave for the potato. I didn't have sour cream, but I did have butter---BUT---The butter is out of the question, it's just too bad of a calorie value. You know how easy it would be to have as many calories in butter as in my potato? Forget that! I used mild salsa instead. It was different, and provided the moisture I wanted on the potato---and it was tasty! I sliced up a fresh tomato to complete the quick and easy lunch. Ten minutes---and that's from a frozen breast! I love the George Foreman Grill!!

I walked in the door right at 2pm and decided it was nap time. I needed a nap today, I really did. My workout time was set, I needed to be at the YMCA no later than 5:15pm for a bike number in the spinning class, so I had plenty of time for a good afternoon snooze. I jumped up at 4pm and started getting ready, physically and mentally---for this workout.

Today would be a different instructor. And different could mean, more challenging! Oh my...I hope it's not too much harder!! I arrived at the Y and my bike number was drawn from the bag---Number 12! Yes!!!! This is the best number in the whole class as far as I'm concerned. It's on the back row in the corner! Perfect! I was so lucky! I then changed and decided to start the weight training before the class. It was then that I noticed people warming up on the cycles. Why would the be warming up twenty minutes early? Turns out, the class time was 5:30, not 5:45 like it's listed. Ooops! I was lucky to get a bike then, and oh my---look at the clock, I had five minutes before the class started!!!

It was incredible again. Very challenging, a little more than Friday's class. I was sweating and my pulse was racing within the first five minutes. Oh no...how am I going to make it 45 minutes? It was a challenge---a total meltdown, burning like a fire, but I couldn't stop. And there's no way I'm getting off the bike in the middle of class---no way! I had to do this! I made sure to stay on the proper gear too. I thought I was going to lose it when she barked out “SPRINT” on gear 16. Gear 16! A sprint? Seriously?? At the twenty minute mark, with twenty-five minutes remaining, I realized---this is a little tougher than my first. But I wasn't stopping. The sweat was flying, my clothes were wet, and I was feeling so wonderfully empowered. When it ended, the instructor told me “good job,” and asked if I would be back. My reply? “Oh yeah, absolutely!”

I took several minutes to rest, regain my composure, and think about my weight training routine. I was feeling like a fighter at this point, the endorphins were all over me---drugging me in the most wonderful way possible. I hit the weight machines and realized that the person who used them before me was apparently Lou Ferringo. Then I spotted him a few machines down the way. Yep---maybe not Lou, but this guy was at least a Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) in fitness level. His arms were huge! Oh someday, someday I'll be able to lift so much more---and my body will be built like that. OK, maybe not like that---I don't want to get too big, just nice and lean...with clear muscle definition. But enough day dreaming, we had lifting to do!

This Hulk guy had all the machines set on really high weights. I had to adjust them wayyyy down---just a little reminder of how far I have to go, but completely cool. Because I'm going to get there with a consistent positive effort! I was finished with the weight training shortly before 7pm. It was time to head home and cook dinner.

I planned on having chicken fajitas, but quickly realized I didn't have any flat breads to serve as tortillas. So I just grilled up the onions, peppers, and mushrooms---cooked the breast, topped it with a sixty calorie slice of white American cheese, then topped it with the veggies, and oh my...it was very different from my lunch---new set of flavors, it was so good! I decided that instead of the usual potato side (I had one of those at lunch), I would just make a fruit salad out of orange slices and a sliced up banana. It was wonderful! I know it really wasn't a salad, but I can call it that if I want! It was a fantastic meal that took me within 200 calories of my calorie allotment today. I'm eating some steel cut oats with cinnamon and brown sugar as I write this---bringing to a close a relatively perfect food and exercise day. I feel really good.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Lunch today! Salsa on the potato---I'd never done that before, but it was really good that way!


Right after spinning class. I'm beat silly here.


Dinner time! Who needs tortillas? Chicken fajitas minus the tortillas---add fruit---perfect!

Day 574 Dusting Off Forgotten Dreams, The Mexican Indulgence, and Workout Report

Day 574

Dusting Off Forgotten Dreams, The Mexican Indulgence, and Workout Report

My Sunday started out solid, was shaky in the middle, and ended strong. I always start out solid, I have a routine after all, and that routine lays a good foundation for the rest of the day. Or, it's supposed too. Amber and I attended the Playhouse production of “The Cover of Life” this afternoon. It was wonderfully directed and the actors were absolutely incredible. I think Amber secretly shares my love of acting. She's very encouraging for me to continue acting, and I think someday, she'll want to do it too. It was always a dream of mine, completely silenced by my obesity---and one that came roaring out last year in a leading role for “Call Me Henry.” I think that production fueled the same desires in her. It's a beautiful thing really, dusting off forgotten dreams and experiencing life. I was going to say “again,” but many of the experiences this weight loss has afforded me, are ones once only dreamed about. I see those same kind of suppressed dreams in Amber and Courtney both, and I can't wait to watch them come alive someday.

After the play, we were hungry and Amber had very little time before she had to get back to her college campus, so instead of heading home and cooking, we stopped at a favorite little Mexican restaurant. This is where things turn from solid to shaky. My strategy is always the same at this place---and we have enjoyed it several times over the course of me losing 244 pounds, so it's not a bad strategy really. But I must be honest with myself. I over did it on the chips and salsa, I did. I normally allow for about ten chips and salsa, and today I probably doubled that. Easily 400 calories worth, I'm sure...at least that's the amount I deducted from my Calorie Bank and Trust account. I never order a meal here, just a crispy beef taco and a crispy chicken taco. I don't need or want the rice and beans, I'm on a budget by golly. It was all good really, but I seriously didn't need to spend 900 calories on this trip, and that's exactly what I did. Of course, that's probably 1500 calories less than I would have devoured pre-journey, so even when it's bad, it's not that bad. And sodium...uh, yeah...OK---new topic please... :)

It's time to come clean on the workout commitments. Oh boy, I knew this paragraph was coming. I meant to get out early enough to do my weight training at the YMCA before the play, but didn't. My fault. My failure. Every one of my stated goals for the week were hit, except for the weight training. I did my non-weighted strength training routine everyday, I did four 5K's, one more than I planned, and I faced and triumphantly conquered my first of many spinning classes. But the weight training, oh my...yep---Just like this entire journey, the weight training was my weak spot. I somehow ended up only doing one weight training session all week. There's just not a good excuse for this. And really, with weight training, the consistency must be there for benefits. I fell two sessions short in that department, and really, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this...but that's the deal, open and honest. What? You thought I'd be perfect? Well, here's a news flash my friend...I'm not---I never have been, and really, I don't want to even try for perfection. But I've proven that it doesn't take perfection to have phenomenal success. I've had that success and will continue that success in a perfect-imperfect way.

I did my fourth 5K of the week tonight. It was incredible really, almost effortless, and that's exactly why I must continue seeking out greater challenges along this workout road. How will the next week be different? Well, my time frame will be Sunday through Saturday instead of Monday through Sunday. But this upcoming week, I'll be short a day to do this. So---here we are, time to state my workout goals for the next six days. Here we go:

Monday: Morning non-weighted strength training. Weight training at the YMCA and Spinning class at 5:45pm
Tuesday: Morning non-weighted strength training. 5K or better.
Wednesday: Morning non-weighted strength training. Weight training at Y and Spinning class at 5:30pm
Thursday: Morning non-weighted strength training and another 5K or better walk/jog.
Friday: Morning non-weighted strength training and weight training at the YMCA.
Saturday: Morning non-weighted strength training and I will try to arrange a tennis match—if not, then at least a 5K walk/jog.

I'm still working on the bike acquisition, that will be nice! And I'm trying to fix my schedule to include a trip to Stillwater for swimming at least once a week. I believe this is a pretty solid plan. And honestly, it shouldn't be that hard to accomplish. I'm seriously looking forward to tennis with Whit and biking. I must get a bike very soon, I'm getting tired of dreaming and talking about it!

I only had a few hundred calories remaining tonight and that was OK. I grilled a small chicken breast and opened a can of green beans---no cheese. What? Me, eating green beans without cheese? Yes, I can do that when the calorie budget is lean, no problem. They were good. Not as good as when they're covered in melted American cheese, and not even close to being as good as when they're deep fried. I'm kidding, a little bit. I also had a half a banana afterward. Not a bad day really.

Amber made it back to school safely and I made it into the grocery store tonight to buy a few things. Sunday is in the books! And I'm looking forward to a good Monday start of the week!

Oh--and one more thing. Amber and I planned on taking pictures for the shaving of the goatee, but we couldn't find her camera. I'll be doing that with Courtney some time this week. I'll of course share the comical pictures here, as we plan to shave it off in stages, creating many different looks and styles. Fun with facial hair, oh boy!

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


From last years production "Call Me Henry." Dusting off those long forgotten dreams is so very important along this weight loss road. It's very sweet when you realize you're free to live without the chains of morbid obesity.

Day 573 Surrounded By Success Stories and On The Giving End of "Wow" Reactions

Day 573

Surrounded By Success Stories and On The Giving End of “Wow” Reactions

I jumped up this morning in a mad rush. This is unusual for a Saturday, but I had to work today. The warmer temperatures means more Saturday broadcast appearances, so I'd better get my Friday night schedule in order! I wasn't late this morning, but even getting up an hour and a half before an event can make it feel that way. I have my non-weighted strength exercises, cooking breakfast, shower, dress, and writing to finish, and an hour and a half just isn't enough time most days. I made it enough time today. I somehow did everything I needed to do. Well, almost. I didn't cook breakfast, instead I inhaled a banana on my way out the door. I knew the client would have food at this big broadcast today---I wasn't sure what, but I was confident that I could navigate the choices wisely.

I pulled up to the broadcast and met with the station rep for a briefing on exactly what the client wanted me to talk about today, then I was free to roam around. I know I've mentioned this before, but I can't tell you the number of broadcast I've done in the past, at over 500 pounds, where I would try to stay hidden as much as possible. I don't do that anymore and it feels amazing. They had a big smoker/grill in front of the store, a good sign that the choices wouldn't be too bad today. I was going to eat something from that grill, I knew that, and I was OK with the idea.

They were grilling hot dogs and hamburgers...hmmm, OK...I was hungry, so I made my way over and requested a hot dog without a bun. I was handed a big juicy dog, and I knew---this wasn't a 120 or 160 calorie dog, this was somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 or even 300, for just the hot dog. Good thing I had it without the bread, oh my. It wasn't the best calorie value, but it was very good. This was a premium hot dog, top of the line in the hot dog world, it was very tasty...but not necessarily worth the calories to me. It wasn't long before I was feeling hungry again. I was at 400 calories already when I decided on a hamburger. The bun was 120, I used mustard for the dressing...and the patty, well---I know these, I've used similar on my grill before. 250 for the patty was a good estimate, considering it was grilled and a lot of the fat calories had dripped away. Still, 370 for a burger is quiet a bit for me. I enjoyed it slowly, oh my---it was a very well seasoned hamburger, and before noon I was sitting at 770 calories for the day. My broadcast wasn't over until 2pm, so I decided 770 by mid-day wasn't really that bad. Then I had a few, just a few, potato chips---and was comfortable calling the total an even 800.

These choices may have not been the best, but it was part of the moment, it was my life today. And learning how to navigate food choices in everyday life without losing control is a very big deal to me. Old Sean would have had a couple of burgers and a couple of dogs before that broadcast was over, accompanied by a big plate of potato chips and a tall glass of regular Coke-a-Cola, all consumed in the privacy of the remote vehicle, away from people--if at all possible. So it may not have been the best choices today, but those choices were made and consumed responsibly. I wasn't out of control Sean, hiding from the crowds and gorging. It feels good to be in control, it really does.

Another radio station showed up a little before noon. A competing station from up the highway into Kansas. The on-air personality and station rep walked in and asked where I was. I was standing right there, so I introduced myself to them. It turns out, Nici, the sales rep for that station, is someone that I've worked in cooperation with on scripts for a particular client. We had never officially met, but she remembers me at my heaviest. She told me that she was in the audience when I did stand-up, opening for the Beatles Tribute band “1964.” I was over 500 pounds and struggled horribly that night on stage. It was hard to move, breathe, and really do a good performance. The weight had seriously started effecting my performance skills---and that's the Sean she remembered! Well, to say she was surprised to see me today would be a big understatement. She was very complimentary, and told me that she knew I was losing weight because, although she hadn't read my blog---she regularly would hear of my weight loss success from a client of hers that reads everyday. She knew that I wouldn't look the same today, but I don't think she realized just how dramatic the change would be. It was a fun experience indeed.

As I talked with Nici, I discovered that she was very familiar with the struggles of losing weight. She had been very overweight for a while, before losing a bunch of weight herself. We talked about weight loss and the process---psychological aspects, and simply making better choices. And Nici wouldn't be the only person I would meet today with a weight loss success story...

Remember April 25th, 2009? It's in the archives. Yes, nearly a year ago I did a remote broadcast at a wireless phone store---it was that remote with an endless supply of food---the food just kept coming that day. I wrote about it that night:

I had 200 calories worth of breakfast by the time I reached my remote broadcast this morning at 11am. I knew that we would have pizza at the event and I was prepared to allow for a piece, maybe two if it were thin crust. It wasn't. That's OK, I'll just have a small piece for 250. Had I been the one responsible for ordering I would have made sure to order a thin crust veggie, but anyway. I guess I should have put my order in with the station sales rep prior to the broadcast. I wish I would have been a little more patient. Instead I grabbed a slice shortly after it arrived and I enjoyed it slowly. Then two crock pots full of Wendy's Chili showed up complete with small Wendy's Chili containers. I know exactly how many calories are in a small Wendy's Chili, 190! I added a half a serving of chili to my lunch and I counted it as 100 calories. Everything was fine right? Wrong.

Then a giant cookie platter showed up from Quiznos. These cookies were some of the best looking, big, loaded cookies I've ever laid eyes on. You know I've never been that weak when it comes to cookies. Oh sure, I like a good cookie, but really they're not my weakness. I faced my favorite store bought cookie the other night at grandmas house without any trouble at all. She had a brand new package of fudge striped shortbread cookies. I love those things. I knew what I had left calorie wise and at 170 for three cookies, I just didn't want to do it that bad. The cookie calorie value just wasn't working for me. But today, oh my. I was truly tested. I tried to find the calorie value on the Quiznos mobile web site, but I guess when they're loaded, you're less likely to find the calories conveniently listed. I was guesstimating about 300 for one, I was wrong. Just one snickerdoodle cookie has 400 according to the Calorie King website. 400 calories for one cookie! No way! YES! I don't know how I did it, but somehow I managed to keep my cool and resist those things. I even asked the station sales rep if he wanted to split one, figuring it would be a 150 calorie indulgence. He said no, thank goodness! It just goes to show you that no matter what level of rock solid zone you're in, you're never above temptation. I resisted those amazing cookies today, but it wasn't easy. Technically I could have had one, but there's no way in the world I would ever spend 400 calories on a cookie, that's craziness. My calorie budget would have been severely lopsided had I given in to those dreamy looking things.

OK...here's the rest of the story from that day---and how it tied into today was certainly remarkable. The manager I met at that broadcast was a young overweight man named Josh, who told me his top weight was 320. Of course we talked about weight loss that day, I gave him this blog address, and we had a very nice discussion about choices and weight loss philosophy. He had already started being aware of his choices and how they affected his weight, and honestly---I think he may have been a little embarrassed about all the free food made available. It was him that ordered the giant cookie platter that day! Well, what a difference a year makes!

I hadn't laid eyes on him since that broadcast last year, so imagine my surprise when he showed up at my remote broadcast today---completely transformed! He looked amazing! It really was a jaw dropping “wow” reaction I gave him. It's so cool to return one of these after receiving so many. He showed up today at 204, a whopping 116 pounds lighter than his heaviest weight! Josh told me how he counted his calories—and eventually got so good at it, that he actually stopped counting---opting for more of a common sense-portion control strategy. We discussed the mental aspects of it all...and he agreed with me about it being 80% mental and 20% food and exercise. He also shared something interesting, one of his mental gymnastics if you will. He said that one thing he always had a problem with was going back for second helpings. And he still does. But let me explain... He starts with about ¼ of what he would eat before. His second helping is another ¼, making it about half the food he was accustomed to consuming at his heaviest. He's still enjoying second helpings, but in a very responsible and normal way. And he has a 116 pound loss to show for it! That was just thrilling. I could have talked to him all afternoon, really, but then I had to get back into my broadcast---and before I knew it, he was gone. I'll have to stop by his wireless store and talk him up again soon. This kid has got it down and I'm so happy for him! Josh, you're an inspiration my friend!

The plan this evening was dinner and a movie at my apartment with my daughters. Those plans changed when their mothers plans changed, and that was OK. I had Amber with me all night last night, so it was only fair that tonight she and Courtney enjoy their mom's company. I had planned to get Amber to the trail with me today, but this change of plans left me flying solo for a 5K tonight.

I decided to send up a facebook invitation to anyone, just to see if I could find a last minute workout partner tonight. At first I decided a 10K would be good, but then I backed it down a notch to a 5K...but still, it was too late of notice for my local friends. I did have some friends from around the world—that probably would have joined me if they could, but after waiting for 40 minutes...I was out the door and on my way to the trail.

It was a nice evening for a walk/jog. I forgot my iPod, so it was just me, my thoughts, and the sound of my heels hitting the pavement for 3.1 miles. It was a wonderful 5K and it met my stated goals for the week of at least three. I really should have completed some weight training today. More on that tomorrow!

I talked with Mom tonight too. She told me that she did 3 miles today. Isn't that amazing? This is a lady that not too long ago, couldn't walk to her mailbox without feeling completely spent---now, she's being consistent with her daily calorie bank and walking schedule---the weight is dropping and her endurance is getting to be incredible! She divides her walking into two sessions, an early session and an evening session. I absolutely love hearing the confidence in her voice, that excited feeling that she has---because she knows, this is it...this is the time it really happens. We're putting the past behind us and making a better tomorrow one good choice at a time...and when you start seeing progress like my mom has...it propels you. I'm so happy for her and my Aunt Kelli. They're both doing just wonderful along this road.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 572 You Spin Me Right Round and Amber's Home

Day 572

You Spin Me Right Round and Amber's Home

When I got up this morning, the nerves started churning. I thought about it as soon as my eyes opened. I thought about it as I did my squats. I thought about it and worried some more as I prepared the coffee and cooked my mammoth five egg white mushroom and cheese omelet (140 calories btw!). Today was the day. It was out there, the accountability factor had backed me up against a wall and demanded my participation. There was no stopping it now, oh no. Had I just not said anything of my intention, it would be so easy to “chicken out,” and honestly...knowing me, sadly—I probably would have. I'm just being honest.

Today was the day I would climb onto a stationary cycle and be completely at the mercy of an instructor. I knew there would be a class full of others, and that means I couldn't quit. I can't get off the bike and walk out, I gotta do this! I tried to put it out of my mind during my radio show, and I did mostly, I had a decent Friday morning show. But as soon as it ended, my nerves started up again. What was I afraid of? Looking out of place? Isn't it revealing that the first thing I mention isn't not being able to keep up or falling off the bike or dying in that spinning class. No, Seanboy is worried about what he'll look like to others as he climbs onto that little bicycle seat. Hmmm...You know this is leftover psychological stuff from weighing over 500 pounds for so long.

I arrived at the YMCA a half hour early to get my bike number. I requested a bike in the back, but was told they don't allow you to cherry pick a bike, they just reach in a bag and draw a number---good luck! My bike was number 10 and of course I immediately cruised down to the classroom and found number 10---not in the back, but not in the front. Oh well, I needed to get over it I guess. I spent the next twenty minutes in the program directors office. Stephanie Williams knows me well, she regularly reads this blog, as does her husband. She knew I was coming today and she could tell I was terrified. Stephanie was so supportive, giving me several “you'll be fine”'s and deep down I knew it would be. She offered me a bottle of water as we talked, it was nice.

As the time drew near, I decided to get in there and get acquainted. One of the other classmates took a look at me and responded “You've lost a bunch of weight!” Who is this? She obviously knew of the old Sean judging from her wide eyed reaction. That was cool. I met Frank McEntire, the instructor. He's an older, retired man---and he's in absolutely amazing shape! Frank assisted me with adjusting the seat and handle bars and told me to just do what I could, and no matter what---even if I couldn't do what they were doing---just keep peddling. He could tell I was scared.

The bike has 24 gears and a digital display. Frank explained very well how to control everything. Within minutes everyone was warming up with an easy peddle. The seat wasn't too bad at first sit. I climbed on and marveled silently over the idea that I could even fit on one of these. I had no worry about weight limits or being told that I was just too big to ride. I was fairly normal looking on the bike, I guess. And then it started. The music was turned up and Frank started telling us what gear to use and how fast to peddle. SPRINT! When Frank said sprint, we had to go as fast as we could—and I did, reaching past 130 on the little display. It's not mph, and I really don't know what the number means, but I did hit 130. As we progressed up the gears it got harder and harder. Frank had us stand and peddle too! What? Really? Oh, it gets better...stand and peddle, then sit, then stand, sit, stand---all the while---keep peddling...Oh wow, this is going to be a really long 45 minutes!

It was long and it was challenging. But I did it. I even stayed on the gear everyone else was instructed to use along the way. I was sweating like crazy, my legs were burning, and I loved it! What was I so nervous about again? Yes, I'll be doing this again and again. Spinning class rocks! When the dust had settled and it was time to climb off the bike, my legs felt like noodles. And I felt like a million bucks. I wiped off my bike and made my way into Stephanie's office. She had come back there to cheer me on in the final minutes, it was so nice, and her “you did it” felt so good. It was a truly wonderful experience.

I was so happy about my spinning experience---it really helped carry me the entire day. Amber came home and was at the apartment when I arrived late afternoon. We had dinner together and hung out all night, just talking about everything. She doesn't know it yet, but I'm getting her out there on the trail with me for a 5K this weekend! I'm so proud of her! She's a beautiful, smart, talented young woman with a great head on her shoulders. She's so compassionate and real, with an a amazing understanding of people...and she's only 20 years old! It was a wonderful time, as we talked until nearly 1am.

I have a broadcast to do first thing Saturday morning---and it will last until 2pm. Afterward, I plan on having lunch with Amber at home and hitting the trail for that 5K. We're planning a night of live theatre too. We have two shows we could go see...we haven't decided which one just yet. It's going to be a wonderful weekend!

I went back a year ago today in the archives and found this:

This journey has been such a blessing to me, and to imagine that it only gets better is sometimes overwhelming, because it's so wonderful now. I put on the 48's today and was pleasantly surprised at the reaction. I had to stop at the business office of Team Radio today, and the staff had a real “wow” reaction to my appearance. A lot of times I'll wear the old stuff, the jeans several sizes too big, and you just can't see the real total difference in my size. But with the 48's on there's no denying the dramatic difference. It feels real good, I mean real good to get that kind of reaction. I'm convinced that when I reach my goal, then run into old acquaintances, I'll be able to walk right past—they will not recognize me one bit. I'll have to stop them, then spend a few minutes convincing them that it's really me. Oh, that'll be a fun little thing to experience!

It was such a big deal to me to be in 48's back then. Cool to read...I'm in 38's and 40's now, even cooler.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 571 What We Consistently See and Food Addiction Vs. Desire To Succeed

Day 571

What We Consistently See and Food Addiction Vs. Desire To Succeed

We have a natural tendency to get comfortable with what we see everyday. That's a pretty basic statement, and one that can run as deep as staying morbidly obese for years and years. What we see everyday, even if we don't like it, becomes easier to accept, it grows on us in a way until we just accept. A lighthearted example of this is the "to shave or not to shave" question from yesterday. Facebook friends overwhelmingly voted to shave, yet...the majority of blog readers said keep it! It was clearly opposite, and something that a couple of my co-workers noticed and commented about yesterday. The difference?

Facebook friends see a clean shaved profile picture everyday and I regularly feature current goatee pictures on this blog. We get comfortable over time with what we consistently see. I'm not trying to get too deep here, but it was an interesting observation into human nature. And one that can be applied in good and bad ways along this weight loss road. Consistency in what we're doing leads to comfortable acceptance, in other words...it's gets easier as long as we stay consistent!

A good start this morning included my non-weighted strength training exercises and a good breakfast. I prepared some scrambled eggs, enjoyed some yogurt, and had a banana less than an hour later. This routine has become very comfortable for me, and mornings where it doesn't go as planned---oh my, I have to remind myself that a little deviation every now and then isn't the end of the world, because it isn't. I've had so many weight loss attempts in the past end horribly, because I didn't do something perfect and just figured, oh well, I tried...maybe next time. It's absurd to think that way, because perfection hasn't been the rule or the goal here. A natural progression of good choices with a positive and consistent effort has been the goal, and we've been successful in that pursuit. And you know why those past attempts failed? It wasn't because I "messed up," that was just the excuse I would use. They failed because my addiction to food and inactivity was stronger than my desire to succeed. Anything I could tell myself that would make me feel better about failing again would let me off the hook, and I'd run back to my old ways at the line of least resistance. So much easier at that line, you know?

I didn't see the trail this evening and I didn't go to the YMCA for weight training. I really should have done one or the other, instead I took the evening "off." I allowed my social calendar to conflict with my workout plans and that's something I can't allow very often. I'm still on track to hit all of my workout goals this week, but really...Next week will include day specific goals! I feel so much better about myself when I'm out there or in there doing it. Choices, it's all about those choices we always talk about. I chose a nice evening with a date. I fully intended on hitting the trail afterward, but allowed the night to get away...and by 10pm I decided to get to bed for a decent night of rest. That was a good choice, the rest part.

Tomorrow morning I'll appreciate that rest when I dive into my very first spinning class. I'm really nervous about it---people that have had the class describe it as something horrific and wonderful at the same time. "It'll kill you, but you're going to feel great when it's over!" Maybe not "great" physically, but mentally---yeah, I'll feel accomplished. Good deal...wish me luck!

I'll be shaving the goatee this weekend. It'll be fun and really, to those that said to keep it---It'll grow back! And thank you for the vote of confidence...but I want to see my thinner face without...I may not like what I see, then I'll have to wait a couple of weeks for it's return. No big deal. Amber is coming home for the weekend, so as we shave---we'll do it in segments, taking pictures along the way. That will be fun.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


The clean shaven profile pic on facebook.


Yeah---with the hairy face.

Day 570 If This Is All We Have To Worry About and Flying By The Seat of My Pants

Day 570

If This Is All We Have To Worry About and Flying By The Seat of My Pants

Yesterday, while washing my hands in the mens room, I took a long gaze at myself. I was focusing on the differences in my face. It is strange, if you allow it to be, this looking into the mirror at an image completely different than you've come to know over the years. It's the same guy behind those eyes, the same heart in that chest, the same feelings and understanding of all I've been through. But who is this guy? Does he have facial hair? He does now, but he never allowed it before, why? Maybe it takes a certain confidence to sport a goatee, I don't know. I just never thought it looked good on the 500 pound version of me. But I do like it now. And I don't. It was just a test. I just grew it out last year to see what it would look like on a thinner version of myself, and my wife just loved it! And the compliments came from others too. But the most important ones from Irene and my girls, and me...said to keep it. So I did. But I'm still not completely convinced it's me. And well, to put it mildly, things change.

I feel so wonderfully blessed to have nothing more important to stress about. After years of raging high blood pressure, leg swelling with skin breakage, horrible sleep apnea, and all of the limitations of morbid obesity...it's come down to something this insignificant. To shave or not to shave this facial hair. I decided to put it up for a vote among my facebook friends---and so far, the numbers are overwhelmingly in favor of shaving it away! Even people that I just knew would say keep it, didn't. So maybe I need to return to the clean shaved Sean. Ultimately, it doesn't matter one bit. These are officially the least important paragraphs in blogland today, and that's OK. It's ok to have fun every now and then, and thank you for putting up with this self-indulgent query...So what do you think? Shave or not?

This morning was so much better than yesterday! I was up in plenty of time to do my morning non-weighted strength training exercises, write, shower, and have breakfast. I chose to only have a banana early---and the scrambled eggs and some yogurt at work. I grabbed a big apple and another banana for mid-morning and afternoon snacks, and I was set. A solid foundation was built for another successful day. As much as I seem to fly by the seat of my pants along this road, if you really look close...you'll see patterns and habits that have become fundamentals of my success.

When I say “fly by the seat of my pants,” I mean---I've kept this approach as simple as possible. I haven't over-analyzed the basics. I just hold tight to my “Calorie Bank and Trust” account and do what I do in the exercise department. I don't worry about all the numbers and the breakdowns and deficits and what I need to do to lose this much, or weighing all the time---I just don't stress about that stuff. Why? Because with consistent positive effort, we're going to get to where we're headed without creating things to worry about. We're going to continue the effort and consistency that brought us this far with minimal self-sabotaging thoughts or obsessions. That's just me and my opinion about what works for me. Everyone has different needs and desires. For me, a less is more approach has worked wonderfully.

I do stress about and over-analyze the mental aspects of this journey, and that's a part of the above approach. I do this, because I long for a better understanding of where I've been and why I was there so long, and most importantly---How I can escape and never return. I feel like I've escaped at this point, I do. But I'm far from done. Oh no...physically and mentally, I still have growing and understanding, there are still epiphanies waiting to happen. And they will.

A year ago today, I was writing about the first month results of the “Lose To Win 2009” program. The participants had lost, collectively---over three thousand pounds! Still, with all that success, some struggled horribly. I found this from April 7th, 2009:

I do want to say something to someone, anyone who might be struggling. Perhaps when you stepped on the scale it showed a weight gain. But you were there, and that shows you haven't given up. Don't ever give up. If you're eating smaller portions and working out, staying away from empty calories, and drinking plenty of water, and you still gained weight, I would consult with your doctor. I'm not qualified in any way to offer advice or consultation on the topic of unexplained weight gain. From experience I do know that we can retain a bunch of water weight at times. I know that thyroid conditions can hamper weight loss, as can certain medications. All I can say is, hang in there, don't give up, and consult your doctor. If on the other hand, you know you haven't done everything you could have so far, then whatever you do from this point forward, don't beat yourself up! Put it behind you and move forward. Have a long talk with yourself, re-evaluate your motivating thoughts, assess your self-honesty, and most importantly---Do not make things difficult. Don't allow this task to intimidate you. Break it down in simple terms. Eat less, exercise, and be completely honest with yourself about everything you put in your body. Feed your mind with positive things, not negative, and never lose sight of why you want and need to lose the weight. Always remind yourself of your reasons for staying committed. I've failed so many times at losing weight, I feel like I'm an expert on the topic, I've been there many times. A couple of things I've learned to remember: You couldn't possibly eat so much in one day that you've “ruined everything.” So if you have a bad day, write down how you felt and what you feel triggered the binge, read it and try to understand it as you take full responsibility for your actions, then put it behind you immediately and erase it from your memory. And remember, if you give a consistent positive effort, then you'll more than likely get the results you're after. Consistency, either positive or negative, will generate positive or negative consequences. Stay positive!

This afternoon I napped for a little while, before jumping up and putting on the wind pants. What happened to the sunny warm weather? It was cloudy, cool, and windy this afternoon. When I arrived at the trail I just sat in my vehicle for a few minutes, maybe I was waiting for inspiration to strike, I don't know. I just didn't feel like doing it. And then it started. The thoughts of “Oh sure Sean...You don't have to do it today, really...you have the rest of the week to finish your stated workout goals.” Hmmm. I wasn't day specific, maybe for a reason...psychologically, I was giving myself outs. Oh, I'm good...yeah, good and sneaky.

I'm still working on turning workout time into play time. I think I may have found a tennis partner in Whit. I've played racquetball with her before and she's willing to bust a move or two on the tennis court, so that's very cool. And swimming? You know, the YMCA in Stillwater has a wonderful pool---and it's only 40 minutes away. So why not drive down once a week for a swim and then visit with the family afterward? Why didn't I think of that sooner? And the bike search continues...So, really---I'm going to be OK. All that stuff is fine and dandy, but what about this 5K right now. It's four laps Sean, get out of the vehicle and get it done! But it's cold and windy out there! Stop wining and move! I cut short this internal dialog, opened the door, felt the wind in my face and started moving. Before long, it was in the books. 5K number two of the week! It wasn't the best performance, wasn't the fastest time---but it was done.

I prepared steak and eggs for dinner this evening. For less than 400 calories, I enjoyed six ounces of sirloin and five scrambled egg whites with mushrooms, green pepper, and onion. It was a good meal, very hearty. I used too much pepper on the eggs though, giving me a slight feeling of heartburn later---which is something I rarely have felt over the last 570 days.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean