Thursday, April 8, 2010

Day 570 If This Is All We Have To Worry About and Flying By The Seat of My Pants

Day 570

If This Is All We Have To Worry About and Flying By The Seat of My Pants

Yesterday, while washing my hands in the mens room, I took a long gaze at myself. I was focusing on the differences in my face. It is strange, if you allow it to be, this looking into the mirror at an image completely different than you've come to know over the years. It's the same guy behind those eyes, the same heart in that chest, the same feelings and understanding of all I've been through. But who is this guy? Does he have facial hair? He does now, but he never allowed it before, why? Maybe it takes a certain confidence to sport a goatee, I don't know. I just never thought it looked good on the 500 pound version of me. But I do like it now. And I don't. It was just a test. I just grew it out last year to see what it would look like on a thinner version of myself, and my wife just loved it! And the compliments came from others too. But the most important ones from Irene and my girls, and me...said to keep it. So I did. But I'm still not completely convinced it's me. And well, to put it mildly, things change.

I feel so wonderfully blessed to have nothing more important to stress about. After years of raging high blood pressure, leg swelling with skin breakage, horrible sleep apnea, and all of the limitations of morbid obesity...it's come down to something this insignificant. To shave or not to shave this facial hair. I decided to put it up for a vote among my facebook friends---and so far, the numbers are overwhelmingly in favor of shaving it away! Even people that I just knew would say keep it, didn't. So maybe I need to return to the clean shaved Sean. Ultimately, it doesn't matter one bit. These are officially the least important paragraphs in blogland today, and that's OK. It's ok to have fun every now and then, and thank you for putting up with this self-indulgent query...So what do you think? Shave or not?

This morning was so much better than yesterday! I was up in plenty of time to do my morning non-weighted strength training exercises, write, shower, and have breakfast. I chose to only have a banana early---and the scrambled eggs and some yogurt at work. I grabbed a big apple and another banana for mid-morning and afternoon snacks, and I was set. A solid foundation was built for another successful day. As much as I seem to fly by the seat of my pants along this road, if you really look close...you'll see patterns and habits that have become fundamentals of my success.

When I say “fly by the seat of my pants,” I mean---I've kept this approach as simple as possible. I haven't over-analyzed the basics. I just hold tight to my “Calorie Bank and Trust” account and do what I do in the exercise department. I don't worry about all the numbers and the breakdowns and deficits and what I need to do to lose this much, or weighing all the time---I just don't stress about that stuff. Why? Because with consistent positive effort, we're going to get to where we're headed without creating things to worry about. We're going to continue the effort and consistency that brought us this far with minimal self-sabotaging thoughts or obsessions. That's just me and my opinion about what works for me. Everyone has different needs and desires. For me, a less is more approach has worked wonderfully.

I do stress about and over-analyze the mental aspects of this journey, and that's a part of the above approach. I do this, because I long for a better understanding of where I've been and why I was there so long, and most importantly---How I can escape and never return. I feel like I've escaped at this point, I do. But I'm far from done. Oh no...physically and mentally, I still have growing and understanding, there are still epiphanies waiting to happen. And they will.

A year ago today, I was writing about the first month results of the “Lose To Win 2009” program. The participants had lost, collectively---over three thousand pounds! Still, with all that success, some struggled horribly. I found this from April 7th, 2009:

I do want to say something to someone, anyone who might be struggling. Perhaps when you stepped on the scale it showed a weight gain. But you were there, and that shows you haven't given up. Don't ever give up. If you're eating smaller portions and working out, staying away from empty calories, and drinking plenty of water, and you still gained weight, I would consult with your doctor. I'm not qualified in any way to offer advice or consultation on the topic of unexplained weight gain. From experience I do know that we can retain a bunch of water weight at times. I know that thyroid conditions can hamper weight loss, as can certain medications. All I can say is, hang in there, don't give up, and consult your doctor. If on the other hand, you know you haven't done everything you could have so far, then whatever you do from this point forward, don't beat yourself up! Put it behind you and move forward. Have a long talk with yourself, re-evaluate your motivating thoughts, assess your self-honesty, and most importantly---Do not make things difficult. Don't allow this task to intimidate you. Break it down in simple terms. Eat less, exercise, and be completely honest with yourself about everything you put in your body. Feed your mind with positive things, not negative, and never lose sight of why you want and need to lose the weight. Always remind yourself of your reasons for staying committed. I've failed so many times at losing weight, I feel like I'm an expert on the topic, I've been there many times. A couple of things I've learned to remember: You couldn't possibly eat so much in one day that you've “ruined everything.” So if you have a bad day, write down how you felt and what you feel triggered the binge, read it and try to understand it as you take full responsibility for your actions, then put it behind you immediately and erase it from your memory. And remember, if you give a consistent positive effort, then you'll more than likely get the results you're after. Consistency, either positive or negative, will generate positive or negative consequences. Stay positive!

This afternoon I napped for a little while, before jumping up and putting on the wind pants. What happened to the sunny warm weather? It was cloudy, cool, and windy this afternoon. When I arrived at the trail I just sat in my vehicle for a few minutes, maybe I was waiting for inspiration to strike, I don't know. I just didn't feel like doing it. And then it started. The thoughts of “Oh sure Sean...You don't have to do it today, really...you have the rest of the week to finish your stated workout goals.” Hmmm. I wasn't day specific, maybe for a reason...psychologically, I was giving myself outs. Oh, I'm good...yeah, good and sneaky.

I'm still working on turning workout time into play time. I think I may have found a tennis partner in Whit. I've played racquetball with her before and she's willing to bust a move or two on the tennis court, so that's very cool. And swimming? You know, the YMCA in Stillwater has a wonderful pool---and it's only 40 minutes away. So why not drive down once a week for a swim and then visit with the family afterward? Why didn't I think of that sooner? And the bike search continues...So, really---I'm going to be OK. All that stuff is fine and dandy, but what about this 5K right now. It's four laps Sean, get out of the vehicle and get it done! But it's cold and windy out there! Stop wining and move! I cut short this internal dialog, opened the door, felt the wind in my face and started moving. Before long, it was in the books. 5K number two of the week! It wasn't the best performance, wasn't the fastest time---but it was done.

I prepared steak and eggs for dinner this evening. For less than 400 calories, I enjoyed six ounces of sirloin and five scrambled egg whites with mushrooms, green pepper, and onion. It was a good meal, very hearty. I used too much pepper on the eggs though, giving me a slight feeling of heartburn later---which is something I rarely have felt over the last 570 days.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

22 comments:

  1. Sean, shave the goatee. It must weigh something, so lose it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lets see...

    1. Shaving cream and razor v. half a shave. All that shaving cream - blergh.
    2. Five minutes less snoring each day. That's a biggie.
    3. Nothing to catch the scrambled egg before it hits the floor. Increased laundry bills for washing of T-Shirts and the like. New T-Shirts when the stupid grease refuses to leave said T Shirt. Oh! the expense.
    4. After shave lotion - it stings purely to make you think its doing something.
    5. Little bits of loo paper stuck to gaping wounds. More expense.
    6. Shaving rash -- itch itch! Least said soonest mended.
    7. Stubble - Designer stubble is just stubble!!! It just looks like you took the five minutes extra snoring and couldn't be bothered.
    8. You get the picture.....

    V.

    1. Five minutes extra snoring.
    2. Whole sight cheaper, laundry bills and other essentials drop.
    3. The chance of finding second helpings in your beard two hours after dinner - oh gross! lol.
    4. It looks good.
    5. It looks really good.
    5 It looks reall really good.
    6. It looks.....oh - ok
    7. It's you..
    8. Enough?

    Blue~

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  3. Don't you DARE shave it!!! And very proud of you for getting the 5K done....it needed to happen....we're weighing in tomorrow morning!!! :)

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  4. I like the goatee but then again, I like men to have a little facial hair.

    Sean, I really love the "repeat" section in this post. In fact, you've inspired my blog - and me. Thanks.

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  5. Keep the goatee. It gives you that little "je ne sais quoi"...

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  6. Sean, I think it LOOKS great. My only concern is that generally I don't like kissing a man with a mustache, with the exception of a couple of men who had really soft upper lip hair.

    Of course, I don't forsee kissing you anytime soon, LOL......

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  7. I really like the goatee! Don't shave it!!

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  8. I love to feel of my hubby's skin when he has just shaved. I vote for shaving it. It looks fine on you. But I think clean shaven looks better. Just my opinion. Do whatever YOU want to do :)

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  9. Keep the goatee...looks good!
    Sooooooooooooooo....did you stay in the car or hit the trail?

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  10. Shave it just to give us a picture without it! If you don't like the result, it won't take long to grow it back :)

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  11. Just stopped by from Helen's Doing a 180 Blog...I was so inspired by the comments she made about you. This is wonderful. I look forward to reading more.

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  12. From what I read in your post, it sounds to me like this is not so much of a "what does it look like" question, but rather "how does it make me feel" question.

    Because you mentioned the memories attached to WHY you grew it in the first place... the people... the circumstances at that time. And now those circumstances have changed. And I wonder if that is part of why you wonder if you would feel better shaving it, and sort of having a fresh new look to go with your new life circumstance??

    I agree with what some others said... do what YOU feel most comfortable with.

    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  13. There was an epidemic in blogland last night of people jogging despite the weather! Three cheers for determination!

    Regarding the goatee, just shave it! You can grow it back in two weeks if you hate it!

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  14. I would like to see what the thin you looks like without it, that being said...I <3 goatees on guys. most guys....anywhoozle. I think you want to know, and since it's your face..have a shave and post a pic...then we all can vote before after.
    Have a great day.

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  15. Sean ... I think you should shave it! You look gorgeous either way though (I remembering seeing your pics from the play).

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  16. The goatee is sexy. I say keep it. Awesome post.

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  17. I say KEEP it!!! It looks great and its a part of the NEW Sean!

    Tina

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  18. Do what feels right to you :)

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  19. That is the good thing about hair, you cut it, you don't like it, it will grow back!

    Its funny, I just persuaded my hubby into growing one for the first time in our marriage, thinking I was really going to like it. He had it for about 6-8 weeks, and I asked him to shave it back off. In his case, it aged him a lot. Wonder what you would think of you without it? Guess there is only one way to find out!

    ; )

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  20. Dude, I'm a first-timer on your blog, and just saw the before ans after pics... OMG! It's gonna take some time to read all of it - or most of it, anyway ;) - but you went right into my bookmarks!

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  21. I say shave it...you can always grow it back if you want to...:)

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