The Scary 2% Area and We Learn, Always
I had 500 calories worth of peanut butter today. I completely lost my cool. Thanks for reading, goodnight and...
What? We need to talk about this? OK, ok, ok...Just when I think I'm immune to impulse urges and trigger foods, BAM---I do something stupid that puts me in my place. Did it kill my calorie budget? No, it didn't, although it severely limited me for tonight's dinner. It also eliminated any chance of a snack later. But it's not about the calorie budget.
It's about control. 98% of the time I feel in complete control. Oh, but that 2% area...where everything I passionately believe becomes blurred and shades of old become faintly visible, that 2% area is a very scary place to be. Maybe it's normal? Yeah---Maybe I can make myself feel better about this by convincing my brain it's perfectly normal to attack a peanut butter jar occasionally. No, can't accept that. I can't. I'm not in search of rationalizations to make myself feel better, I'm in search of honest understanding of why everything goes out the window when it's just me and the peanut butter jar alone together.
I bought that jar of peanut butter with complete confidence that I could handle it being in the house. But I must never forget the power of addiction and my weaknesses. I wouldn't do it around other people. I wouldn't! I'm Sean Anderson, I've empowered myself beyond what I ever really believed I could do---I'm strong, let me show you! I believe in me now! But---get me alone with a trigger food and the real test begins. What made me pick up the jar? I was just going to have a couple of hundred calories worth, ya know...work it into the budget, make myself proud about being able to handle a serving, without losing control. A serving tasted so good---I wanted more, and I took it. I then reached out to Amber and KL and requested that they hide it from me. Isn't that nuts? (no pun intended) I almost just threw it away. Maybe I should have.
I violated the very advice I gave my Mom and Aunt Kelli last weekend. Watch the peanut butter!! So, what have I learned? I learned that even though I tout “nothing is off limits,” it's very important to know myself well enough to stay clear of known trigger foods. I have two really big ones. Peanut butter and ice cream. I control the ice cream urges by occasionally enjoying a soft served cone, a limited portion. But peanut butter is different. You can't just zip into a drive-thru and order a 150 calorie shot of peanut butter. If you want some, you must buy a jar. I will not be buying a jar again anytime soon. I was foolish in thinking I was that strong. OK—peanut butter topic over now.
I was out of the studio this morning, broadcasting from downtown in support of the Child Development Center. My morning routine was still in tact despite the change of schedule. My morning exercises, my breakfast---all very routine. I had hoped to do the mid-day spinning class, but it didn't take long to realize there was no way that could happen today. It was a pretty loaded Friday. My workout schedule has been completely trashed this week. I had a great bike ride yesterday and my morning routines are very easy and automatic---but no spinning classes this week at all. Perhaps I'll hit the Saturday morning class like I did last Saturday.
It's important for me to remember how far I've come, but not let it become a comfort zone where less is acceptable. I haven't done all of this work for nothing. And seriously, the circumstances of the week have dictated my shambles of a workout schedule, so ok, it happens. Let's move forward in a positive way.
I was the designated driver for some friends this evening. They invited me into Chili's for dinner, but since Chili's is only three blocks from my apartment, and I had a severely limited calorie budget to maneuver---I declined. Really, I had already decided to do this even before the peanut butter fiasco. I'm not a big fan of Chili's calorie values. Oh, I'm sure I could get in and out ok, on a normal budget at least...but now I had to be careful, I was limited tonight. The four of them dined without me and I told them to text when they were ready.
I prepared some garlic shrimp, tomatoes, and baked french fries. The entire plate was only 350---it was incredibly delicious and came in under budget. I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading. I honestly didn't want to talk about the peanut butter issue. I had already talked to Amber about it, and thought about just putting it behind me...but I can't do that without sharing here. This is part of learning. As much as I'd like to be so wonderfully perfect---I'm not, and I never will be. And I don't need to be. None of us do. Trying to be perfect leads to unnecessary disappointment. We are winners at this losing game when we learn about ourselves and we use that knowledge to our advantage while working toward our reasonable goals. We don't give up. Never give up. We always learn---and as long as we are open to that learning process---without being cluttered by the warm embrace of excuses and rationalizations, then we will always win. Seriously...every time. Goodnight and...
Garlic Shrimp, tomatoes, and baked fries---350 calories of delicious.