What Is "The Click?"
What is "the click?" What happens? How does it happen? I don't know, really, but from my experience and from witnessing the experiences of others, I have an idea.
How do we go from fantasizing about food, sneaking to get food, hiding the consumption, feeling constantly obsessed about food and existing in a fog of self-deception, lies, guilt, shame and more to all of sudden feeling empowered, strong, supported and on track with it all? How is it that I can go into the store last night and shop for groceries without one single errant/diseased thought, when a couple of weeks ago I was in a store, sneaking around with shifty eyes, very much like a thief, hoping and praying I wouldn't be noticed buying a carton of ice cream, chips and sour cream french onion dip?
I believe it starts with honesty. At some point, we might find a break, a clearing from the obsession, long enough to have a very serious realization that this isn't getting better in the middle of this pattern of self-destruction. Breaking down and admitting I'm powerless and I need help isn't so easy, especially for someone like me who has had success, lost a bunch of weight and loves to tell himself how strong he knows he's capable of being. Only a fool believes he can do this alone. And I've had several foolish thoughts along the way. Pride stands in the way like a locked prison door. If I admit I'm powerless over this, then I'm done. It's over. It might as well kill me now, because that's too hard to admit. It must be acknowledged and I must have faith that it's not over at all, in fact, it's a new wonderful beginning. There's no such thing as moving forward without this crucial realization. This isn't anything new to the countless who have found recovery. They recognize it as the first step.
So I got there again, this point of truth where it all comes seemingly at once; truth knocking harder and harder with increased volume: The scale at the doctor registering 373, a 143 pound gain, the insanely high blood pressure reading, the size 50's no longer comfortable for long periods of wear and suddenly all of these real consequences and more, barge their way into one desperate thought: I'm dying here.
Not instantly dying, but that's where it's headed. I don't want to die, please God, don't let me die, please help me!! I have too much to live for! Not now, I'll do whatever it takes. Sitting in the vehicle after the appointment and having the calmest of realizations, I didn't have an ounce of self-deception left in my brain. I've said this prayer before. I've written about this before. So what's going to make this time different? Again, what's "the click?"
"The click," in my opinion, is a combination of several things and it only takes hold if it's firmly backed by supportive actions. I had to come out of hiding and fully acknowledge where I am. I must continue seeking support from others and not ever take support for granted or discount its power. I must exercise my spirituality and then do it again. I must write and share and never declare, "there ain't no going back," because I know: At any point in time, if I decide "I'm good, seriously, it's all good," and I start slipping into the old traps and I suddenly adopt some kind of false sense of immunity to the fall, that's precisely when it will come tumbling down once again.
I walk cautiously with the"click." I'm writing more, sharing more and asking for support more. I'm doing my best to be supportive of others too. We are all in this together. The "click" isn't simply a choice. To me, the "click" is a place, a foundation where each choice after supports and strengthens the "click," or contrary; tears it down and chalks it up as another false start. The choices are in front of you and me. I'm choosing change because change is a comin' one way or another and I really desire positive change.
Maybe the question isn't "What is the click?" Maybe the proper question is "Where is the click?"
It's inside you and me. We have it. In the depths of the fall we're blind to its existence. Don't believe it doesn't exist, do not give up hope. I swear it didn't exist a short while ago, but it did. I just couldn't find it through the fog. Perhaps what's desired shouldn't be the click itself, rather, the clearing where it can once again be found.
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Thank you for reading,