What It's Like

What It's Like

I'm very happy to be back. I'm contributing to this blog, maintaining a calorie budget and staying fairly active with Facebook and Twitter. I'm logging food, exercise and water consumption everyday on My Fitness Pal. I'm also staying closely connected to friends far and near, staying accountable and reaching out via text whenever a counterproductive food thought passes through my brain. Oh yeah, Gerri Helms has taught me, the best way to shut those crazy obsessive food thoughts down is to tell on 'em to someone, anyone. I'm getting more and more in touch with my own personal spirituality throughout this process. I'm realizing the truth, and that is: This isn't a solo battle. I'm not alone. You're here. I'm here. We're all here and we're doing this thing. And this thing is worth every ounce of effort. It's about life and freedom, clarity and peace. And it's about love and taking personal care. Choosing change is about all of these things and more. It's not effortless. It's work. But it's good work. It's not always fair, but some things just aren't and that's okay.

I'm wholly committed, my friend. And it feels phenomenal. It does because it wasn't that long ago when I wondered if it was even remotely possible to feel this way again. I was at the point of completely giving up. Struggling harder than I ever imagined possible, isolating in a place full of shame, guilt and regret...filling up on self-pity, self loathing and a general disgust--completely choosing a perspective void of even a shred of hope. And still occasionally trying to get it together only to fall again and again. As the weight gain continued, old issues started resurfacing.

I haven't shared this with anyone, but why not? A couple of months ago I sat on the edge of my bed and noticed a scab on my lower right leg. The weight gain had brought back swelling and since the skin on my lower right leg is forever damaged from my 500 pound days, it doesn't take much abuse for a tear to happen.  And there it was. The first sign of something horrific returning.  I'll never forget the pain of having a dozen or more sores after the constant swelling would rip my skin apart. I never want to get to that place ever again...but here it was, the start...and there I was feeling hopelessly doomed, almost attracted to the decline as if it had some insanely strong gravitational pull. What other freedoms will I lose?  How could this be happening?? Why????

All kinds of questions pelted me during this decline: What did I learn while losing 275 pounds?  And why did the strength I felt back then feel a million miles away? It was like being fluent in a language and suddenly losing even the most basic elements of communication. Was I really going to work that hard, get to a healthy body weight, work through emotions and get to a place where I was healthier than ever...and then turn around and go the other way???  Did I somehow subconsciously decide I wasn't worthy?   

Oooh... That's it, isn't it? I didn't deserve it. Okay, wow. That's heavy stuff. I wasn't worthy. How did I reach that ridiculous conclusion?

I suppose it happens over time. It's like we have a constant checks and balances happening with our perception of the good and the bad of our life. Every negatively perceived thing makes a mark, an impression, a scarring on our brain and then it sits and waits for other negative things to join in and these things grow.  Most of the time these negative perceptions aren't even our fault, but in a desperate effort to explain and understand, it becomes easier to just take the blame.  And maybe some aren't even bad, but compared to the standards and beliefs we hold, they're perceived that way.  And so it goes, our self-esteem, self-worth. And the other side, the positive happenings? They are wonderful, and they keep us going, but eventually they're diminished by the overwhelming darker, more negative perceptions, a bad apple if you will, spoiling the bunch.

As powerful as these dynamics seem, there's a serious problem. They're not true. I'm a good person, no--check that, I'm a great person. And I am worthy of feeling good. I am worthy of my success.

I'm going to take care of me with the positive care and love I've always deserved but was too caught up in false negatives to fully recognize. I want it for others, so why not offer the same love and compassion for me to enjoy?

This is a new day. This is a new perception. This is happening like no other time I've ever known.

This is the moment when "I'm Choosing Change" becomes even more powerful.  And it does because it's uninhibited by the deep seeded belief of unworthiness.

Let's do this.

Thank you for reading,
Goodnight and...
Strength,
Sean

What Is "The Click?"

What Is "The Click?"

What is "the click?"  What happens? How does it happen?  I don't know, really, but from my experience and from witnessing the experiences of others, I have an idea.

How do we go from fantasizing about food, sneaking to get food, hiding the consumption, feeling constantly obsessed about food and existing in a fog of self-deception, lies, guilt, shame and more to all of sudden feeling empowered, strong, supported and on track with it all?  How is it that I can go into the store last night and shop for groceries without one single errant/diseased thought, when a couple of weeks ago I was in a store, sneaking around with shifty eyes, very much like a thief, hoping and praying I wouldn't be noticed buying a carton of ice cream, chips and sour cream french onion dip?

I believe it starts with honesty. At some point, we might find a break, a clearing from the obsession, long enough to have a very serious realization that this isn't getting better in the middle of this pattern of self-destruction. Breaking down and admitting I'm powerless and I need help isn't so easy, especially for someone like me who has had success, lost a bunch of weight and loves to tell himself how strong he knows he's capable of being. Only a fool believes he can do this alone. And I've had several foolish thoughts along the way. Pride stands in the way like a locked prison door.  If I admit I'm powerless over this, then I'm done. It's over. It might as well kill me now, because that's too hard to admit.  It must be acknowledged and I must have faith that it's not over at all, in fact, it's a new wonderful beginning. There's no such thing as moving forward without this crucial realization. This isn't anything new to the countless who have found recovery. They recognize it as the first step.

So I got there again, this point of truth where it all comes seemingly at once; truth knocking harder and harder with increased volume: The scale at the doctor registering 373, a 143 pound gain, the insanely high blood pressure reading, the size 50's no longer comfortable for long periods of wear and suddenly all of these real consequences and more, barge their way into one desperate thought: I'm dying here.

Not instantly dying, but that's where it's headed. I don't want to die, please God, don't let me die, please help me!! I have too much to live for! Not now, I'll do whatever it takes. Sitting in the vehicle after the appointment and having the calmest of realizations, I didn't have an ounce of self-deception left in my brain. I've said this prayer before. I've written about this before. So what's going to make this time different?  Again, what's "the click?"

"The click," in my opinion, is a combination of several things and it only takes hold if it's firmly backed by supportive actions. I had to come out of hiding and fully acknowledge where I am. I must continue seeking support from others and not ever take support for granted or discount its power. I must exercise my spirituality and then do it again. I must write and share and never declare, "there ain't no going back," because I know: At any point in time, if I decide "I'm good, seriously, it's all good,"  and I start slipping into the old traps and I suddenly adopt some kind of false sense of immunity to the fall, that's precisely when it will come tumbling down once again.

I walk cautiously with the"click."  I'm writing more, sharing more and asking for support more. I'm doing my best to be supportive of others too. We are all in this together. The "click" isn't simply a choice. To me, the "click" is a place, a foundation where each choice after supports and strengthens the "click," or contrary; tears it down and chalks it up as another false start. The choices are in front of you and me.  I'm choosing change because change is a comin' one way or another and I really desire positive change.

Maybe the question isn't "What is the click?" Maybe the proper question is "Where is the click?"

It's inside you and me. We have it. In the depths of the fall we're blind to its existence. Don't believe it doesn't exist, do not give up hope. I swear it didn't exist a short while ago, but it did. I just couldn't find it through the fog. Perhaps what's desired shouldn't be the click itself, rather, the clearing where it can once again be found.

I sincerely appreciate your support on this blog, on Facebook, www.facebook.com/seananderson505 and via Twitter, @SeanAAnderson and via MyFitnessPal: SeanAanderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean