August 18th, 2014 Never Give Up

August 18th, 2014 Never Give Up

I felt myself slipping in the summer of 2012. It felt as if I was slowly turning back into 505 pound Sean. What happened? I had successfully maintained for a year and a half since hitting 230 pounds in November 2010. Something had changed. I lost my grip. It started affecting me in the most depressive ways. Suddenly what seemed easy was the hardest thing to do and where I had become cocky-confident, I was being shown I wasn't so invincible after-all. I was falling fast. A victim of my own pride and perspective.

I had a big corporate speaking event on the schedule for late September 2012. As it approached, I kept trying to right my wrongs so I could somehow stand tall and confident in front of what would be the largest audience to ever hear me speak. Part of me was excited for this event, with its three camera shoot, big stage--big auditorium and a company wide live webcast. Speaking for this Fortune 500 company could help me launch the speaking career I dreamed of having. The circumstances and bigness seemed to match the confidence level I had, the one that was quickly slipping away. And this lack of confidence had the other part of me completely terrified.

I sat across from my therapist two days before the event. I had gained back a little over twenty pounds. Seems crazy now when I think about how broken up I was over that twenty pounds. It wasn't necessarily the twenty pounds, it was feeling like all of what I had inside was gone and I couldn't get it back. I told my therapist I couldn't stand in front of any audience and I was going to cancel my appearance at the event. The counsel she offered me that day shot straight to the heart of who I was and what I was about. I was struggling and humans struggle and I needed to express this, not hide from it or pretend it didn't exist. She suggested just enough spark for me to ignite just enough confidence to do the job I was hired to do. I left her office determined to speak at the event two days later.

The event arrived and so did I, but only after an intensive self-talk confidence boosting session in the mirror. Even if I wasn't fully convinced, I needed to make it through this event somehow. And it wasn't one session, it was two sessions. I was scheduled to deliver the same talk twice in the same day with one being web-streamed live throughout the company.

As soon as I hit the stage, I felt a burst of energy--like my confidence had returned. I spoke with passion, straight from the heart and afterward the question and answer session confirmed how I felt. I had made a powerful connection with my audience. 

As I signed books afterward, I was approached by a very nice woman who didn't say too much, but I do remember her saying that she was watching the webcast from her desk and had to come over from her office to meet me. She bought a book, I signed it to "Heather..."--and she walked away. There was something about her that made an impact on me. I can't explain it. All I know is, something was different about her from all the others I met that day.

It wasn't long before Heather Cates and I started exchanging messages via Facebook. Although the power of the speaking event sparked something in me to turn things around, it only lasted a few days before I felt pulled back into the spiral. When she suggested we get together just as friends for her birthday in early 2013, I was really in no place to oblige--but for some reason, I couldn't say no. We enjoyed a nice evening and visit that I couldn't forget. I was attracted to her story, her experience--she was a survivor who overcame incredible odds and she was so beautifully passionate about it all and what she was all about. It didn't matter though, because the darkness I felt surrounding wouldn't let me continue seeing her.

Several days after that first evening, I told her via Facebook message "it's not a good time for me," and that was that. I still didn't forget her, I couldn't. I felt like I was missing something very special. But I had to miss it because I didn't feel worthy of anything good in any way.  When she started seeing someone else a while later, she didn't know it--but I felt a genuine sense of loss. By that time I was well on my way to a 164 pound regain. I was feeling more lost than ever before. I felt like I had missed a turn somewhere--taking a nightmare detour where all of my worst fears were unfolding right in front of me. Nobody but me knew how dark it was getting because I kept it to myself, isolating and feeling horribly alone. Occasionally I would break free for a couple days but then it was right back into this horrible place.

2014 started with an awakening of sorts. It was late January when I started really taking the steps to pull out of this horrible place. I made doctors appointments to help me with my raging sleep apnea and I resolved to turn this ship around once and for all. It still wasn't enough. It was mid to late April of this year when I finally reached a point of true surrender. I couldn't continue on like I was and I wasn't giving up. I redefined my approach, recommitted myself to daily writing, set up new and powerful accountability tools and set out on an often wobbly stride toward feeling better. Finally, I was losing weight again and feeling fantastic.

The darkness was lifting quickly and then May 15th came along and completely changed me in the deepest, most profound way. It was a simple ten minute drive to the YMCA for my workout. I wasn't trying to think about any of this stuff when these incredible thoughts started firing in my head. In that short ten minute drive, I was given what it meant to and how to really love myself. I never knew how before May 15th. I was doing it wrong my entire life. Suddenly, this shift in perspective was so clear, so real and powerful, I couldn't stop marveling at what it was doing for me on the inside. This is when things turned dramatically better in my life.

A month later, Heather crossed my mind again. Was I too late? Had the ship sailed? I couldn't tell from her Facebook account because of her privacy settings--so I messaged her and asked if she would consider seeing me again. She said yes. I couldn't believe it. She said yes. Maybe I wasn't too late! Maybe the time was right. Maybe I had to experience what I did before I could ever experience what I dreamed.

We took some time to simply reacquaint with one another. Then, Saturday August 16th, we acknowledged our mutual feelings and it felt as right and as peaceful and harmonious as it possibly could feel.

We made it "Facebook Official" today. If it seemed sudden, it wasn't. It was a long and broken road that eventually brought us back together.

I highly recommend reading her blog for some insight into her incredible story and what she's all about. Simply click: www.motivateyouwhynotyou.blogspot.com/ 

The common theme among it all--all of this, is never give up. Never give up. It's not too late to turn things around. The weight isn't even the main issue, it's how we feel about ourselves--and when we start shifting this crucial perspective, incredible things can happen and some of the most powerful transformations occur in the most natural and beautiful way.

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I had a great workout tonight, even though it was my backup plan. My workday was exceptionally long and I ended up missing my planned spin and swim combo. I opted for the elliptical instead. I'll spin and swim again another day.

My food tweets today:

2 eggs & 2 egg whites prepared over-hard w/too much pepper. Was a little loose with grinder. Pears, apple. 363 cal. pic.twitter.com/e5mGuxhrL0
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 18, 2014

Turkey (3oz), swiss, creamy swiss, Beanitos White Bean Chips (28g), guacamole (54g), cantaloupe (255g). 528 cal. pic.twitter.com/ibz9n91TMQ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 18, 2014

Two egg turkey and mozzarella omelet. #bigsnack 240 cal. pic.twitter.com/iMncCxhiJ4
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 18, 2014

Three chicken/steak/shrimp fajita crispy tacos with grilled peppers and onions, topped w-lettuce and salsa. 396 cal pic.twitter.com/3vVyyWSFyC
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 19, 2014

Great workout tonight. 1.25 pears. What happened to the other 3/4 pear? Over ripe spots. #lastfoodofday 104 cal. pic.twitter.com/NwaLXbr5TZ
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 19, 2014

Thank you for reading and for your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

So what is it? When do we reach a point where we stop the slide? It's different for each of us, for sure, but there are similarities--things universal to the struggle.

I reached a point where I was gradually losing everything but weight. My sleep was so messed up.  I was always exhausted and this contributed to losing my ability and desire to care about myself. My weight gain was bringing back health issues I thought I'd experienced the last of, like high blood pressure and severe swelling in my right leg. And I was quickly running out of clothes to wear. My recovery actually started long before the current state of this journey. It was January of this year when I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't get help for my severe sleep issues, I might not ever be able to correct and recover.

Even after two sleep labs and the installation of a new cpap therapy, the struggle continued. This time it was in ways worse than the all out slide. I was sliding and then getting on track, then sliding again--then getting on track again--and over and over...and over.

In a recent Facebook micro-blog, I tried my best to describe the transition into stopping the slide...

"I've been trying to identify and best articulate the most critical element transforming extreme struggle into harmonious consistency. Having experienced both, it's a fascinating study. Sure, it's a combination of elements, but what is the one, that without, all the others become ineffective? Is it acceptance, where suddenly we embrace instead of reject? That's fine, but how do we get to a place of acceptance? I keep coming back to perspective. Dr. Wayne Dyer says it so perfectly: “When you change the way you look at things, things change.” The perspective we choose is paramount to our success, of course. Sometimes, finding the perspective that engages the gear you're looking for isn't as easy as someone saying, “change your perspective.” In my opinion, we first must identify, one by one—the mind noise and clutter that keeps our perspective in a locked position. It's mental work that's worth the effort. Because if we can get past these things and truly shift our perspective, suddenly what once seemed impossible becomes not only possible, it becomes our new everyday reality, a non-physical transformation where we can finally experience the seemingly elusive, harmonious consistency."

Dave May, A good friend of mine, who's very familiar with me and with the elements of lasting recovery, added this:

"Want. Want is first. If we don't want to change, nothing happens. Belief is second. If we don't believe we can change, nothing happens. Self awareness comes third. If we don't become aware of the inner self, the baggage of the past, the self conscious "facts" we already have in place that are working to defeat us and keep us locked into our old behavior, they will, eventually and assuredly derail any attempt to change and again, nothing happens. Change, you see is a process and there is ALWAYS a most important element. We move from one most important to the next, and sometimes we must move back to the previous most important element, which brings me to one more "most important" element: Faith. If we don't have faith, we are sure to fail. Faith that I CAN change. Faith that the mistake I just made doesn't doom me. Faith that if I get on track, or get back on track, change will come. If we lose faith, none of the other elements will matter, because we won't believe they can work. We, of course could debate the order of these elements or which is the MOST important, but after years of struggle, growth, setbacks and triumphs, I believe that is a pretty good BASE list of the "most critical elements" of transformation. Oh, and let me add one more, lest I forget it and lose all of my progress: HUMILITY. If I ever think "I've got this figured out" I will surely fail. I must remain teachable, and the first element of being teachable is a realization that I do NOT already know all that I need to know. So the list I have shared with you here is Want, Belief, Self Awareness, Faith, Humility. Odd that I should have almost forgotten humility, and then placed it last on the list. As I sit here typing, the thought occurs to me that perhaps HUMILITY should be FIRST. Perhaps that I almost didn't even think of it is the real root of my problem? Without humility NONE of the other elements could exist. I guess I don't know which is first. All I know is there are a LOT of elements to change and they are ALL the most critical. Thank you Sean for starting my day off with a good think. Now I will add a prayer to it, and I should be off to a good start."

When a point of complete and utter desperation is reached, the proverbial "rock bottom," and it's enough to get our attention--and we sincerely want out and to find our way back...then we surrender.

When I emailed Dr. Marty Lerner at Milestones in Recovery in Florida to inquire about the cost of a 30 day stay, my long and drawn out surrender was starting. When the cost prohibited me from remotely entertaining the option, I had to figure out something else and fast.

But there I go again--thinking I could do it on my own, alone--and maybe then I can lose the weight I've gained and nobody outside of the people around me everyday will be the wiser.  

I've "surrendered" before, where I threw my hands up and declared I was powerless over this and needed help. I even wrote a blog post titled "surrender," a long while back. The post included a prayer for recovery and it was powerful to me. I forgot about how I was supposed to help myself, for best results.

So what happened? Relapse happened. But why?? Because I stopped doing the things that were working for me. 

If you're rowing your boat across a large body of water and suddenly you stop rowing, what happens? You come to a stop, occasionally moving with the flow of the currents, you're at the mercy of the currents.  If you stay there long enough , you risk encountering things that could sink your boat. Then, as the buoyancy of the boat is compromised we cry out...why is this happening??? We stopped rowing. We stopped doing what was moving us forward, what was keeping us ahead of the storms.

My greatest struggles came after I disconnected from any semblance of spirituality within my journey, I stopped writing on a regular schedule, I stopped using my Calorie Bank, I stopped reaching out for support, I stopped reading what others were writing, I stopped relating to others, I stopped exercising, I stopped recognizing that emotional eating is supported by the lie that food has magical powers to fix things, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped everything. I stopped rowing my boat.  Suddenly when the storms came, I had nothing to fall back on--I had sacrificed it all.  I had isolated myself in the middle of nowhere nice. But still--the question...WHY???

The answer?? Because my pride and lack of humility kept me from accepting personal truths about my food addiction. I wanted to be normal, damn it. I just wanted to be a different type of person--you know, the kind who doesn't have food issues and is an intuitive eater and loves to exercise regularly--and maintaining a healthy weight is just something that comes natural...I wanted to be that person. Anything but me.  Why?? Because I didn't like me.  Because no matter what I did, I found a way to consider myself a failure. I filled my head with so many self-abusive thoughts that were untrue--I started believing them. The more weight I'd regain the more disdain I had for myself.  The daily mental beat downs kept me feeling defeated.  I constantly put myself in a down position. And eventually I lost the strength and will to get back up.

That is, until I accepted a change in perspective. I let go of the struggle and basically said--tell me what to do!!  Whatever it is I need to do, I'll do it.

100% of the people I've talked to who have enjoyed years and years (one with almost three decades) of uninterrupted maintenance never stopped rowing their boat. They understood, for people like us, it's something we must do for the rest of our lives. We must always be aware. Always measure and weigh our food, always take extraordinary care by maintaining an exercise schedule. Always navigate restaurants with a keen awareness of what we're ordering and doing. We must always seek support with like minded people. We must always stay connected. And another thing I've noticed about people who do what's needed for recovery--they don't eat sugar. Some even avoid wheat and flour. And they're okay with it all. In fact, they're living fuller and richer lives because of their efforts.

I've reached a point of acceptance and it feels so incredibly good.

I've written more in the last 40 days than in all of 2013 and 2012 combined. I've reconnected with my support system. I've cut out 97% of pure sugar. I've even added elements I didn't use before--like MyFitnessPal and using Twitter as a food and exercise accountability tool. I'm doing the work and it's paying off. My last weigh day showed a 25 pound loss. I haven't binged in more than 40 days and I haven't had the urge to binge either.  And I've had powerful epiphanies in regard to my identity and self worth (read my May 15th post and the one a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness.")

I'm worth the effort. I'm going to make it. So are you.

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Today was another wonderful day. I took time in preparing and enjoying my food. I had an incredible workout at the YMCA and I'm looking forward to my next weigh day on June 11th. I'm feeling smaller. My clothes are loose and people are once again starting to notice the positive changes.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

When I stepped on the scale in January I was hoping the number attached to my obvious weight gain would immediately jolt me into action. The scales showed a 143 pound gain.  There I was, 373 pounds, a weight I promised myself I would never see again. I made the same declaration at every major milestone.  I remember crossing down into the 400's, 300's, 250--and every time "I'll never see that number again!"

What went wrong? A few things. I didn't give my food addiction the respect it deserved, certainly a form of denial. I honestly believed after maintaining my 275 pound loss for nearly a year and a half, perhaps I could be normal--completely normal with food. I adopted a cockiness about it, like hey, I got this! Then I experienced emotional turbulence and stress, succumbed to a heavy dose of depression brought on by a constant state of exhaustion from severe sleep apnea...and within a short amount of time I was medicating with food, coping with food--surviving with food, again and again, just like the old days.

During this downward spiral, the struggle seemed magnified between good and evil, between what I knew was right and everything else. Not only did I feel bad for how out of control I was--I felt worse because this wasn't supposed to be me. 

After that sobering weigh-in, I did jump back on track for a little while. I managed to lose 10 pounds and I celebrated it as proof that I could still lose weight. I started writing more, I jumped back on the weekly conference call with Life Coach Gerri Helms where we discussed all of the issues included in weight loss with a wonderful group of participants. Make no mistake, even in times of my greatest struggle, I could relate and offer sound, quality advice. Talking the talk is one thing. I can sit down one on one with you and we could have the most inspiring-motivational discussion ever, and then as if possessed--I can go about doing the polar opposite for myself.

I had a few good days, then several bad, followed by a couple good--and so on.  My writing became sporadic once again and I was clearly struggling. I was fighting. I was hurting. I just wanted to scream out to the heavens, "Why is this so hard this time??? Why???? Am I destined to go all the way back??"

The 143 pound gain and my constant attempts to get back on track seemed to be pushing me even further down. I felt horrible about myself with a long list of reasons why. The struggle continued and clearly I was gaining once again.  The worst of it was running out of clothes.  I wore the same outfit to work everyday for weeks on end because nothing I had in the closet fit anymore. Sometime in early April, I don't remember the date--I know it was a Saturday, I had a remote broadcast.  I couldn't wear stretchy sweat pants to a public appearance, so I squeezed into the largest pair of pants I owned. The size 50's were a far cry from the 36's that felt so loose and wonderful at 230.  And they didn't fit. I made them work for this broadcast.  I was in pain the entire time. My right leg had recently started swelling again because of the dramatic weight gain and it pressed tightly against the pant leg of these jeans that were suffocating me.  I spent the entire broadcast trying to conceal the obvious issue with my leg. I stood in strategic spots where I thought it would be less noticeable. I peeled them off when I got home and discovered I was bleeding from their tightness.

A few days after that painful experience, I walked into the doctors office and faced the scale once again.  I just knew I had to have crossed back into the 400's again. I certainly felt like it. Maybe this time would be the dose of reality I needed.  The scale shot back 394. I had put on 31 pounds in record time.  I didn't tell a soul, I was too ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, sad and desperate. I eventually told my mom and a couple of others, in order to express how bad things had turned. Now what?

I was ready to throw in the towel.  Even 394 staring back at me wasn't enough. I still struggled, still felt possessed and driven to self destruction via food.  On one of my darkest nights, I emailed Marty Lerner, the director of Milestones In Recovery in Florida. Milestones is an in-patient food addiction treatment center. If you've read my book, you might remember Marty Lerner Ph.D., he wrote a fabulous review in the opening pages. I asked Marty about the costs of a 30 day in-patient stay at his facility in Florida.  He was very nice in his reply, although the cost immediately disqualified it as an option.

Now what?

It was now or never in my mind. I started an intense prayer and meditation campaign. I spent time seeking council from my therapist. I sought advice from Life Coach Gerri Helms. I studied all I could online about recovery for someone like me and I reached some concrete conclusions and solutions.  When I started struggling, one of the first things I did was stop writing on a regular schedule. I also stopped logging my food on MyFitnessPal. Getting those things back in order was paramount if I really wanted to recover.  And as I did, I discovered an enormous amount of love and support waiting for me--and it was always there--even when I isolated and felt so alone, I wasn't alone.

I have enjoyed almost a month of daily writing on this blog. In committing to this writing schedule, I've kept in touch with my emotions--writing it out each night and learning more each day. Recently, I've experienced some groundbreaking personal epiphanies about my identity and self worth that are poised to have the most wonderful effect on me...they already have, actually. And I've shared it all right here in these pages.

I've maintained my food and exercise log in MyFitnessPal and as an added source of accountability, I started tweeting pictures of every single calorie I consume (And I'm having fun doing it!).  I've committed to working out on a consistent schedule too.

This is how I'm recovering.  I'm doing what works for me, what I need--the writing, the food pics, the regular contact with close supporters who have been here, like Gerri. I'm making my private spiritual side important too. I've offered support to others as best I can and I will continue to do more. All of this is a direct reflection of my importance level. It's turned all the way up.  

Because I'm not giving up, ever.

Today was weigh day.  And I will weigh every three weeks. The next weigh day is Wednesday June 11th.
I stepped on the scale today and discovered a 25 pound loss.

25 pounds!!!!!!!!!! From 394 to 369. Hang around a while because we're going to have some fun.

I haven't been this happy about weighing 369 since I first broke 370 during my initial 275 pound loss.  And that's an important point.  Because not only am I headed in the right direction physically, my perspective is also pointed in the right direction.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

What's Going On With Me? Part Two

What's Going On With Me? Part Two

There's an interesting psychological dynamic that unfolds when you lose a dramatic amount of weight and then gain some of it back, or a lot of it back.  I'm convinced this dynamic is exactly what makes successfully losing again seem more difficult. Suddenly, it becomes much more than controlling our calorie budgets, exercising and paying attention to our emotional state and the accompanying triggers. Now, we must do a little more "mental work" as we do our best to get past the guilt, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and put our focus squarely where it's most benefiting. This dynamic is powerful no matter if you blogged about your weight loss and wrote a book or not.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day, fighting the urge to grab a dose of sugar, when a man came up behind me in line and said, "Sean Anderson, I read your book. You've gained some back."  Two things happened in that moment: 1. I immediately lost any desire to grab a Snickers bar and 2. I felt a rush of guilt, shame and embarrassment.  Now, most people operate with a better set of filters. This scenario has played out more than a few times, but usually the other person doesn't vocalize the obvious.  Even when the obvious isn't stated, I'm real good at deciding exactly what they're thinking. The silent-mental conclusion is always much more harsh and unforgiving and likely inaccurate.

How will I ultimately overcome this added obstacle? Perspective. Shifting my perspective is paramount to my success today.

Inventory time!  This is where I make a list of good and not as good, qualities...and you know what?  I'll spare you the self-indulgent list and cut to the chase: Turns out I'm a pretty decent guy. Yay for that!

I'm human. I'm real. I don't know everything. I'm always open to learning.  And the things I'm learning now are things crucial to my long term success.  I'm not saying weight gain after a dramatic loss was a good thing, but if I shift my perspective around I can clearly see where I can learn from and benefit from this experience.

As this blog moves forward, I'm going to get into more of a "diary" type mode, much like in the beginning. Less "here's what I think" and more "Here's what I did and am doing." I'm excited at the idea of getting back to the roots of this blog.  Back to a diary in the purest sense. You see, I tend to suffer from paralysis by analysis. I try to understand things from every angle, take it apart, dissect the elements, reach conclusions, maybe write about my personal philosophical conclusions and then when I struggle, it's back to the drawing board.  We can study ourselves and learn, learn, learn--the applying part is the critical step that's often times hindered by the exhaustive analysis.

Much like advice I've given a hundred times to others: It's time to stop trying to figuring everything out and just do. Just be. And be okay. And move forward.  After all, much of what I learned while losing 275 pounds, I learned along the way.  Had I stopped back then to "study" it all, I would have never experienced the initial success.

Taking better care of me is critical.  The sleep issue is my main focus and concern. My appointment Thursday with the sleep specialist resulted in a prescription for Nuvigil (thank you for the suggestion, Joe!) And some suggested "positional therapy." The bottom line was: Get fit and this will dramatically improve or become a non-issue.  I told him how even at 230 I was having serious sleep issues.  He then asked, "How fit were you at 230?"  Mmmmm... And I asked, "Are you suggesting I need muscle, work out with weights?" And he told me it could make a major difference.  Body composition is important to this issue. It certainly makes sense.  And once again I'm reminded of the awesome responsibility I have in taking better care.  It's all up to me. I've understood this for awhile, cementing in my mind during the initial weight loss. It's interesting how another issue comes along and it becomes convenient to overlook this part. It is up to me.  I can dramatically improve my life.  Basically, I can choose change before change chooses me.  Yes, it all comes back to this very real truth.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

An Exercise In Perspective

An Exercise In Perspective

I've heard from many people in the last few weeks who have found themselves in the same situation as me: Losing a large amount of weight, maintaining for a while, then gaining back a considerable amount or in some cases, all of it and more. I wish I could fashion the words to accurately describe my gratitude for this level of sharing and support, it's simply overwhelming in the most wonderful way. Your support and sharing inspires and strengthens me. Just saying "thank you" seems grossly inadequate. Sincerely, thank you.

I've tried different "perspective exercises" before and the one I'm about to share is good. Gaining back 143 pounds of a 275 pound weight loss hasn't been easy to stomach for me.  At the same time, I realize how fortunate I am, breaking out of the hiding and secrecy and confronting this now instead of waiting until much later and much heavier. Stopping the breach has been difficult. Stopping, or properly handling my negative emotions surrounding this gain has certainly been an opportunity for spiritual growth to say the least. Because considering how "thoughtfully abusive" I've been to me, it's a miracle for me to break away from the nose dive of self-loathing, pity, regret, shame and guilt. There's nothing positive in that camp. A different perspective is paramount for a turnaround.

In an effort to find a different perspective, I delved into the archives of this blog and found a day where I weighed what I weigh now. The day was 182. I was on the way down the scale and feeling nothing but excitement for the trip. Here's an excerpt:   

As we approach another weigh day on Wednesday, I'm confident I'll have lost another 7 or 8 pounds. That'll put me over the 130 pounds lost mark, and that feels great. It will not be long before it's 150, then in not long we'll hit the 200 pounds lost mark. I'm excited, but I mustn't get too far ahead of myself. One day at a time Sean. I can't help but get excited because of how wonderful I feel now. I'm really curious how it will feel to get below 300. If I feel this good in the 370's, what will it feel like at 270? I think about this often, did you notice? I can't help it! Talk about a motivating thought, huh?

"How wonderful I feel now...If I feel this good in the 370's..." Perspective, indeed. Pure positive spirit unencumbered by anything even remotely negative. This is where I am and I'm excited to be pointed and headed in a wonderful direction. If you have your own personal blog or journal, diary, notes, old facebook status updates or anything from the past that will give you the essence of this exercise, I highly recommend trying this for yourself. In reading the old blog post, I couldn't help but smile and feel incredible.

Also on Day 182, I found something that caught my attention, so I'll include it too. Of course, as I read it I realize some of the most destructive "negative encouragement" has come from my own brain.  

One thing that doesn't motivate anyone is “negative encouragement.” Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? Negative encouragement is when a person uses negatives in hopes that they'll sting enough to make that person do something about their weight problem. “You're lazy,” “You'll never lose your weight,” “You're a slob,” these negatives do nothing to motivate, they just hurt peoples feelings and reinforce negative perceptions they may already have about themselves. These kind of negative comments can come from great people that really love the target of their remarks. They really do, they would love to see positive changes in the person they're firing these hurtful words toward, and if confronted about the negative comments and relentless negative out loud observations, they would no doubt be hurt themselves, because “hey, I love them, I just want them to do something about their obesity.” I've personally witnessed this kind of “encouragement” and since I have a tremendous amount of experience being morbidly obese, I can ensure you that it has absolutely zero positive value. It just doesn't serve a purpose, at all, not even a little bit. And again, the person dealing the remarks can be a very caring, smart, and loving individual, with nothing but positive hopes and dreams for the subject of their ridicule. Perhaps they've never been morbidly obese, they've never had a serious weight problem, so they don't fully understand the mental perplexities of obesity. If you're the one dealing the remarks, stop it! If you're the one receiving the remarks, don't believe them for one second! You can do this, you have the power within to dramatically change your life forever. Once you truly decide to make the changes, and you make it the most important thing you do, and you work on changing your mind about food, eating, and exercise habits, and you do it everyday with 100% consistency, then nothing can stop you from reaching your goal. Not stress, not emotions, not a single thing can get in your way. How do I know? Because I spent my entire life stuck in the prison of morbid obesity. After countless attempts to break free, I'm just now doing it everyday.

It's a beautiful day in Oklahoma and I'll be getting out in it this afternoon for a much needed walk. I hope your Sunday is going well too.

My best always--and thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

What Is "The Click?"

What Is "The Click?"

What is "the click?"  What happens? How does it happen?  I don't know, really, but from my experience and from witnessing the experiences of others, I have an idea.

How do we go from fantasizing about food, sneaking to get food, hiding the consumption, feeling constantly obsessed about food and existing in a fog of self-deception, lies, guilt, shame and more to all of sudden feeling empowered, strong, supported and on track with it all?  How is it that I can go into the store last night and shop for groceries without one single errant/diseased thought, when a couple of weeks ago I was in a store, sneaking around with shifty eyes, very much like a thief, hoping and praying I wouldn't be noticed buying a carton of ice cream, chips and sour cream french onion dip?

I believe it starts with honesty. At some point, we might find a break, a clearing from the obsession, long enough to have a very serious realization that this isn't getting better in the middle of this pattern of self-destruction. Breaking down and admitting I'm powerless and I need help isn't so easy, especially for someone like me who has had success, lost a bunch of weight and loves to tell himself how strong he knows he's capable of being. Only a fool believes he can do this alone. And I've had several foolish thoughts along the way. Pride stands in the way like a locked prison door.  If I admit I'm powerless over this, then I'm done. It's over. It might as well kill me now, because that's too hard to admit.  It must be acknowledged and I must have faith that it's not over at all, in fact, it's a new wonderful beginning. There's no such thing as moving forward without this crucial realization. This isn't anything new to the countless who have found recovery. They recognize it as the first step.

So I got there again, this point of truth where it all comes seemingly at once; truth knocking harder and harder with increased volume: The scale at the doctor registering 373, a 143 pound gain, the insanely high blood pressure reading, the size 50's no longer comfortable for long periods of wear and suddenly all of these real consequences and more, barge their way into one desperate thought: I'm dying here.

Not instantly dying, but that's where it's headed. I don't want to die, please God, don't let me die, please help me!! I have too much to live for! Not now, I'll do whatever it takes. Sitting in the vehicle after the appointment and having the calmest of realizations, I didn't have an ounce of self-deception left in my brain. I've said this prayer before. I've written about this before. So what's going to make this time different?  Again, what's "the click?"

"The click," in my opinion, is a combination of several things and it only takes hold if it's firmly backed by supportive actions. I had to come out of hiding and fully acknowledge where I am. I must continue seeking support from others and not ever take support for granted or discount its power. I must exercise my spirituality and then do it again. I must write and share and never declare, "there ain't no going back," because I know: At any point in time, if I decide "I'm good, seriously, it's all good,"  and I start slipping into the old traps and I suddenly adopt some kind of false sense of immunity to the fall, that's precisely when it will come tumbling down once again.

I walk cautiously with the"click."  I'm writing more, sharing more and asking for support more. I'm doing my best to be supportive of others too. We are all in this together. The "click" isn't simply a choice. To me, the "click" is a place, a foundation where each choice after supports and strengthens the "click," or contrary; tears it down and chalks it up as another false start. The choices are in front of you and me.  I'm choosing change because change is a comin' one way or another and I really desire positive change.

Maybe the question isn't "What is the click?" Maybe the proper question is "Where is the click?"

It's inside you and me. We have it. In the depths of the fall we're blind to its existence. Don't believe it doesn't exist, do not give up hope. I swear it didn't exist a short while ago, but it did. I just couldn't find it through the fog. Perhaps what's desired shouldn't be the click itself, rather, the clearing where it can once again be found.

I sincerely appreciate your support on this blog, on Facebook, www.facebook.com/seananderson505 and via Twitter, @SeanAAnderson and via MyFitnessPal: SeanAanderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Ending The Detour

Ending The Detour

If you had approached me two years ago and asked, "Where will you be two years from now?" I would have replied in a matter of fact fashion, offering the most confident of answers full of my hopes, dreams, desires and rigid beliefs. There wasn't any going back, ever. I was out promoting my book and sharing this incredible feeling of freedom a 275 pound weight loss afforded me. It was more than that though, my mission was to spread hope, to help reignite dreams of freedom in others. To simply say, if I can do it, I know you can do it too. "Look at those size 64+ jeans, look at that 500 pound man in the picture and understand, truly believe, it doesn't have to be this way anymore. I'm living proof."

Regardless of the confidence level projected, the underlying fear of regaining was always present. I had successfully maintained for over a year because I maintained a schedule of writing, exercising and eating within a reasonable limit.  I made these things a priority. But as the Fall of 2012 approached and realities far undershot my own lofty expectations, I started slipping.  I became depressed and slowly, I started to retreat into self-destructive behavior.  I stopped writing as much, I stopped working out, and I started eating for comfort and escape. And I withdrew from those who cared about me, brushing off their inquiries of concern with, "I'm fine, no really, I'm okay."  I wasn't okay.

I had written about "knowing too much to ever go back," but it isn't that simple. I was mistakenly discounting the power and science of addiction; forgetting about the ability to ignore the truth, to ignore what's right and good in order to proceed with reckless abandon. In the forward to my book, Ralph Marston wrote about how the more you ignore the truth, the more the truth asserts itself.  He nailed it, didn't he?

Every now and again, I would try my best to grab control and right myself "before my descent is exposed!" I was thinking it was as simple as writing more, as exhibited in January 2013 when I authored fourteen blog posts. Or perhaps it was as easy as being more available on facebook. Or maybe it was as easy as attending more private one on one therapy sessions. Perhaps I needed more prayer and meditations...like, really mean it this time stuff.

I even partnered with a good friend, starting a weekly call support group, where I could offer support via phone, complete with goals, challenges and a fantastic group chemistry that was full of positive in so many ways. And I believe many of the group members knew that I was hoping and praying it would be just as good for me as it was for them.  And it was good. Several of the participants, to this day, have nothing but positive words about the group.  But I still felt pulled away from good.  Eventually I stopped co-moderating the calls because I couldn't, in good conscious, offer support and advice that I clearly wasn't following.

As the weight gain became more apparent, I faced a whole different dynamic. Suddenly it became difficult to be in public because it seemed I would run into people familiar with my story everywhere, many who had purchased and read my book. Some made mention, even lightly with a "So, how are you doing?" Others were more direct, "how much have you gained?" And most didn't bring it up at all, but they still knew I wasn't doing well. I don't easily hide behind a false smile or clothing several sizes bigger.

I've had little compassion for myself. And that is something that only digs the hole deeper. Self-loathing, guilt, shame--all of the negative emotions of regaining, magnified by my sincere desire to share, to make a positive impact in some small way, became too much to handle. Those negatives kept the cycle going because the more I felt bad about myself, the more I felt paralyzed and stuck in a downward spiral.

Letting go of the above mentioned negatives is, I believe, the first step to ending the detour. Having real self-compassion and embracing all that is good in me and understanding I am human, I am good, I have a huge heart and I'm a success, is paramount.  No more lies about me from me...Oh, my friend, how horribly abusive I've been to me...That stuff stops.  I'm Sean Allen Anderson, by golly.  And I'm good. I'm a fantastic human.

Ending this detour takes a level of prayer and meditation the likes of which I've never fully embraced. It takes a willingness to offer support and accept support. I've had to stop and pray a few times while writing this post because it's so hard to write.  But it's so necessary for me.

And this is for me.  I'm asking for your encouragement and support. I'm asking for the same dynamics that made my blog a key element in my initial weight loss.  I'm asking, in prayer, for the strength and guidance to show me the way, to give me a hand back onto the road.

It will require differences in my approach. And I'm prepared to meet the challenges along the way.

What has prompted this sudden stop, this surrender and reclamation? A doctors visit. A scale. A prescription for high blood pressure medicine. A mirror. A belief.  A hope. A dream.

A prayer.

Thank you for your support,
Strength,
Sean Anderson

    

Our Most Powerful Thoughts

Our Most Powerful Thoughts

I've spent a bunch of time in the past day or so catching up on emails and messages.  I sincerely appreciate the amazing outpouring of support.  Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write me a message.  One of the biggest questions I've received lately is "How do I get back/find the mindset I need?"

When I started struggling again seven months ago---It terrified me. I started focusing on so many negative thoughts... "I can't gain back weight" "If I continue this destruction I'm nothing but a fraud" "I can't seem to regulate my emotional eating anymore" "I know exactly what I need to do but I still choose not to do it..."

Our thoughts and feelings become our reality. Even when our thoughts and feelings are pleading to run contrary to the negative--the negative reinforcement is powerful.... and if we're not careful and mindful---These self-defeating thoughts will take us back to places we once thought were forever in the past.

Making it a priority to re-frame our thoughts into positive affirmations is paramount to regaining control. The most powerful advice I can give has little to do with food and exercise and everything to do with our thoughts.  What messages are we feeding ourselves? Are they positive and empowering or fearful and defeating?

We get back whatever we choose to focus on the most.  You've heard "You get what you give," and believe me, it's very true.

My little brother Shane was terrified of walking on ice covered sidewalks. He was so focused on his fear of falling, he actually attracted more falls. He would fall with every attempt. It came to a point that, if there was ice on the sidewalks, he was inside until it was gone completely. One day Shane and I planned to go out for lunch. I knew there was ice on the ground---but I decided to help him as much as possible, and take as long as we needed to get him in the car. I had ice melt ready to spread in front of his every step. When I pulled up--my phone rang and I answered.  It was work calling, and I was distracted... As I continued my conversation, I witnessed Shane do something miraculous... 

He walked with confidence from his front door to the car, opened the door and got inside the car without any hesitation or help from me.  He didn't realize we received a coating of ice overnight. He thought it was simply wet. His mind was convinced this was just a wet sidewalk--not a sheet of ice. His focus was unimpeded.  His intention was to get into the car, and he walked without fear and did just that.  I was stunned. And when I told Shane what he had done, he was stunned too. I walked ahead of Shane the rest of the day, spreading ice melt wherever he stepped.  But I'll never forget the powerful lesson he taught me. 

The law of attraction is real and powerful. And you can use it to your advantage. The mindset you're looking for exists inside you.  This is the biggest battle.  It's us--our thoughts and feelings. 

The sacredness of the limits you set...The "no-excuses" workout policy...All is affected by the thoughts we're allowing. 

For me, I know emotional eating and how it can snowball.  And if I allow, it's devastating to everything I hold precious.

Food's job isn't to comfort me and my emotions.  I must deal directly with my emotions instead of stuffing them away with a temporary escape.

I am once again dealing with my emotions differently. My desires, my dreams, my losing this extra weight I've gained back--It's all a matter of time now.  I've decided and it's happening. 

And I know--Choosing what will be my dominant thoughts is just as important as choosing what I'll eat and how I'll exercise today. 

Thank you for reading.  Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

That's The Cough Syrup Talking

That's The Cough Syrup Talking

Me: I haven't been sick like this in years.  I can't remember the last time.

Long time friend:  This is like "fat Sean sick."

Me: Yeah, it's been that long, sure has.

This conversation has been on my mind all day.  And it's not what I want on my mind.  And still, I've chosen to allow it to bother me.  Has gaining back nearly 60 pounds weakened my immune system?  Do you see what I do to myself?  I know it's raised my blood pressure.  At and around 230--for a year and a half--never sick.  Gain nearly 60, sick twice in the last couple months.  You know what?  This isn't productive, this train of thought.  There's silver linings and a wonderful future to think about.  Like "fat Sean sick," I keep thinking about it. He (my friend) didn't mean anything bad by it, it was simply an observation.  500 pound Sean was sick all the time.  500 pound Sean probably missed a month or more of work a year.  If not a month, pretty close I'm sure.  Anyway... What about those silver linings...

Enough of that garbage.

The good news is, I feel better.  The 2nd trip to the doctor was a great idea.  Oh--I didn't share that here did I?  Yes, Wednesday I made it to work--and made it home even worse than before.  I tried to nap Wednesday afternoon but the throat pain accompanied by headache and nausea wasn't letting me sleep.  My over the counter plan (suggested at my first doctors visit) wasn't working.  Late afternoon (Wednesday) I decided to return to the doctor.  This time it was a different doctor, a PA actually.  She was good--she immediately recognized a sinus infection and seemed to understand exactly what I needed. I needed my throat to stop hurting.  Hurting to swallow is expected with a sore throat, but hurting to breathe and laugh?  That's super sore.  She prescribed an antibiotic, a steroid and the best--worst tasting prescription strength cough syrup with narcotic pain killer in the mix.  Three prescriptions later and I'm doing much better.  My throat pain is gone.  And that's a big one for me.

It's a good thing I'm hardly ever sick, because I'll admit--I'm a BIG BABY. 

Let's discuss healthy stuff, like exercise...

The Sean that's super hard on himself: You realize you haven't had a good workout all week?

Me: I've been sick?

The Sean that's super hard on himself: Yeah yeah, whatever...And you wonder why you've only lost one pound in recent weeks.

Me: I hadn't mentioned that yet.

The Sean that's super hard on himself: Well, what are you waiting for?

Me: I was getting to it.  I thought I would talk about my walk tonight first.

The Sean that's super hard on himself: You mean that little two mile stroll in the park?

Me: You're not good for me.  It wasn't little.  I've been sick.  Two miles outside was enough tonight. It's cold and damp out there...honestly, I shouldn't have been out there to begin with...

Okay--enough of that nonsense.

It was a conversation like this that led me to the trail tonight in the first place.  I made it a couple miles and called it good.  It wasn't my best, but I'm not feeling my best.  It was good for me, right now.  Good for me tonight.

Yesterday at 5:40am I was standing on the scale inside the locker room at our local YMCA.  It's one of those balance scales. I know these are supposed to be the best, but I prefer a digital readout.  I'm seriously contemplating driving every two weeks to the health department in Stillwater just for the trusty digital scales I used during the first three quarters of my initial weight loss.  I'm not complaining because I lost 1 pound.  I'll take it.  I'm okay.  I was expecting a few more actually--and I'll get them, they're coming off.  No worries. For now, at this moment--I weigh 288.  I don't like that at all.

I stopped at the post office today to ship a few orders from my website and I ran into someone who's known me for some time.  She asked how I was doing--and of course I immediately thought she had recognized weight gain--and so naturally I start explaining---"well, yeah---I've gained some, 59 pounds and..." And she interrupted me and asked... "Really?  I hadn't noticed. You still look great."  Now--I'm not sure if she was being nice or if she just didn't pay close enough attention before...or maybe I feel and notice it more than anyone.  There's a noticeable difference.  I've had a couple people come right out and say it... So I know it's noticeable.  59 pounds--well, now 58...Is noticeable.  I'm lucky I'm 6'3 and carry my weight as well as I do.  By the way-- I did say thank you to the nice lady at the post office. (even if I didn't fully believe her)

Tomorrow I'll be doing what I love to do: Speaking to a group of people about weight loss and all of the dynamics I've discovered and continue to discover along the way.  I'll be speaking of success, struggle and the balance we find along the way.  I'll be speaking of this blog and my book too and how sharing my life so openly has helped me while at the same time, challenged me.

Next Saturday I'll be traveling to a speaking event at the Hard Rock Hotel in Tulsa where I'll be speaking to a conference of doctors.  I'll be giving them my experience, philosophies and insight on obesity and weight loss.  It'll be an interesting experience, I'm sure!  I'm truly honored to be invited to their big conference!

I haven't been doing my metabolism any favors the last several days.  I've come in under budget because I simply haven't felt like eating. Lots of eggs, soup and jello.  Easy stuff.  I'll be back to feeling like me again 100% in a day or two, maybe three tops as I continue to take this arsenal of medication. 

I better call it a night.  Thank you for reading...goodnight and,  (if you think this post is loopy--I blame the cough syrup)

Good Choices,
Sean

A Day All About Living

A Day All About Living

It's hard to believe this is my fifth Thanksgiving since starting along this road.  I started with a 5K at the stroke of midnight and I'll do another late afternoon in between dinners.  Yes, dinners. I'm traveling to Stillwater with my daughters for a mid-day dinner with mom and family, then back to Ponca City for an evening version with my daughters at their mom's house.  There will be food.  Plenty of food.

How does this food addict make it through Thanksgiving without spiraling into a months long bender?

Knowing my limits is key.  In weight loss mode or maintenance mode, I must have a limit.  I'll allow 2500 calories, if needed.  I say " if needed" because I remember a few years ago getting late in the evening and eating more simply for the sake of hitting 2500.  That's silly.  I'm in weight loss mode and much less likely to be silly this year.

I'll still avoid certain high-calorie, high-fat and super sweet things, like pecan pie and, uh...pecan pie.  In all fairness to pecan pie, it is delicious indeed.  The first four Thanksgivings along this road, I thought I was avoiding pecan pie based on caloric value alone.  I now understand there's more to it than that.  I'm avoiding it this year for the calorie value reason, plus--with its super rich sugar content, I'm confident it's one of my trigger foods.

I'll eat reasonably and my plate(s) will be an example of what doesn't trigger my urge to binge. I'll have some turkey breast, a normal size portion of mashed potatoes, a small portion of dressing, some vegetables and even a slice of pumpkin pie.  Maybe a roll, maybe not.  I've never been a big bread person. 

We're all different.  What doesn't trigger me may send you reeling.  Noticing, being aware and honestly assessing our individual limits is paramount to our success. 

The conditioning that Thanksgiving must be a holiday where everyone gets stuffed beyond reason is ridiculous to me now.  It is traditionally centered around food, but that doesn't mean I have to conform to tradition.  I will keep my focus on the best parts of Thanksgiving--the family, the love and the many blessings in my life.  The food will take a back seat, a minor role.  The food will be good, no doubt, but I will not make it a day all about food.  I will make it a day all about living.

If you're celebrating Thanksgiving today, make it one to remember for all the best reasons.  I'll do the same!

Thank you for reading, Happy Thanksgiving and...

Good Choices,
Sean

This picture is from last holiday season.  I had been at goal for just over a year.  I look at this picture and realize getting back there isn't really that far down the road physically.  It is worlds away mentally when compared to the struggles of the last six months.  I'm so thankful today for the hands extended me while reaching out recently.  With strength from above and amazing support from so many, I'm choosing change.  And I'm doing it with new information about my strengths and weaknesses.  A life forever free from the chains of obesity was once just a dream.  I'm wide awake now and learning what it takes for the forever part. 

I Needed This

I Needed This


The past two days have been extremely good.  I've stayed within my calorie budget and exercised both days.  I've started each morning with spiritual prayer and meditation.  I've taken time and care in planning my food strategy too.  I once again feel strong and confident.  I feel driven in a positive direction.

I've been inspired, motivated, moved to tears and absolutely energized by the outpouring of support.  I actually planned on returning to regular blogging sooner--in fact, shortly before my 41st birthday October 23rd I proudly proclaimed on facebook my return to regular blogging as a "birthday gift to myself."  My birthday came and went and still I avoided this blog page.

I was truly scared of what I might find.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of being called a fraud.  Fear of being reminded of some of my very own words, like "knowing too much to ever go back" and "nothing is off limits," among other writings and beliefs in the archives of this blog. It's important to remember something else I've said from the very beginning: I'm not an expert and I don't know everything.  All I've learned along this road continues to evolve and with experience and more learning, becomes subject to modification.  It's like transformation experimentation.

These irrational fears couldn't have been further from the truth.  In fact, the opposite is the true reality.  And this is where I realize something critical.

I needed this relapse.  I needed this challenge.  I truly needed to be humbled and shown the truth of my addiction once again.  I needed to learn more.  And I'll remain open minded and learn still more as we go.  Where I found myself and where I find myself today was and is imperative to my growth toward my ultimate goals and dreams. 

Words cannot express how grateful I am for your understanding.

In the middle of the last six months, I started to worry about the very real possibility of returning to 300, 400 or even 500 pounds. When you're feeling so lost and hopeless, it seems like the only possible outcome.

In the depths of a spiral, it's like we're divided into two opposite personalities. It's a classic good vs. evil struggle. If we're discouraged, depressed and failing to plan, this weakened state makes standing up against inexplicable compulsions almost impossible. Giving in weakens us even more until we're totally dominated. At this point, the hopeless feelings; the idea of never finding a way to once again grab control becomes oppressive, all consuming, desperate, suffocating and lonely. 

If this is where you find yourself, you're not alone and it isn't hopeless, I promise.  Reach out, first spiritually--in whatever way that means to you, ask for help.  Then, reach out to anyone around you, far and near by giving your struggle a voice.  It's incredible how quickly this can snap you back into the mindset needed to break free again.

Over the next however long it takes, I'll return to a healthier body weight and I'll do it with a greater appreciation and respect for the dynamics of food addiction and emotional compulsive eating.

I'll also work on being a little more compassionate toward me.  Several have noticed how harsh I can be on myself.  As one put it, "You treat others with so much compassion, yet you have little for yourself."  Wow... They're right. This will be another well learned lesson along the way. 

In the tradition of this blog, I look forward to once again sharing many pictures, videos and various other elements along the way.

Tonight, before I wrap this up--I wanted to share a couple of photos of me with very special people.  My maternal grandmother (Edith Irene Anderson) passed away in May.  I've written about her and posted pictures of her throughout the journey, so I wanted you to know.

My big brother Clarke Hodson also passed away in early September.  Clarke was my big brother in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program.  If you've read my book, then you might remember the six or seven paragraphs where I described my relationship with him.

As I approached goal, grandma would advise "don't you lose another pound!"  It was her loving way of saying she loved me unconditionally.  And she did, at 505 or 230--no matter, I always had her love and could feel how incredibly proud she was of me.  She would often talk about the time she enjoyed watching me sing on stage with the Poncan Opry Band.  Even though Alzheimer's disease was robbing her memories, it was one of the few that remained.

I was incredibly honored when the family insisted I be with them during Clarke's funeral.  I was such a lucky kid... The program could have paired me with anyone and I was fortunate enough to get to know Clarke.

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,

Sean