Showing posts with label food addiction recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food addiction recovery. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

October 21st, 2014 Finding Our Normal

October 21st, 2014 Finding Our Normal

One of the things I've given a lot of thought to lately is, what does it mean to be "normal?" I've concluded "normal" is a relative term. Your normal isn't my normal. We're all different.
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This guy wanted to be normal. He wanted to have a normal relationship with food. He had fixed in his mind a vision of what it meant for him to be normal, you know, like people who are of normal weight with normal eating behaviors who wear normal clothing. To him, in order to be normal, he had to simply eat less and exercise more, yeah--that would be some kind of normal. 

What this guy failed to recognize is, he was already normal. He was his normal. In order to achieve weight loss success, the perspective on "normal" had to change. It couldn't be someone else's normal, it had to be his own kind of normal. He could mimic someone else's normal for a while, but eventually his normal would override the abnormal impersonation of normal--and everything would go back to being his normal. 

Okay--enough of the third person--it's annoying. What I had to embrace was my normal. I had to let go of the idea that I wasn't normal because in that, I was constantly suggesting I wasn't good enough or something was wrong with me. I am good enough and there's nothing wrong with me--as long as I'm not trying to be someone else's normal.

My normal is: I'm addicted to sugar and if consumed, it triggers bio-chemical reactions that send me searching for more and more--and not just sugary items--I'm talking loads of carbs and high fat-- it's on!! Nothing trips my trigger like sugar--it is my normal. So I abstain, one day at a time--and it's my normal and I'm okay. 

I enjoy a drink of alcohol on rare occasion, perhaps once or twice, maybe three times a year. It doesn't negatively effect me beyond a slight feeling of intoxication. It doesn't trip anything for me. That's my normal. I have close friends with decades of sobriety, who--if they tried to mimic my normal, it would ruin their lives for who knows how long, maybe even kill them before they found recovery again. That's their normal. So they abstain, one day at a time, it's their normal and they're okay.

Embracing my normal is imperative to my success. My normal means that I take extraordinary care with food. My normal means no sugar. My normal means I remain active in seeking and offering support. My normal requires my attention and a rock solid commitment in doing what I do for my recovery. I fiercely protect it and never apologize for it.

I know many people who will enjoy their share of Halloween candy in a couple of weeks and it'll not be a big deal at all. That's their normal. If I tried to mimic their normal, you would witness a much different turnaround on these pages.

The biggest key for me to be my best, requires me to embrace and accept my normal, not someone else's. I hope and pray I spend the rest of my life celebrating my normal. Because if I do, I can't lose. 

This is what "finding what works for you" is all about. Sometimes that statement is misunderstood to mean "Find the plan or procedure" that works for you. I'm suggesting that "finding what works" for you and me, starts with honestly defining our personal normal, then fashioning a plan that gives us what we need.

I no longer want to be some idealized version of "normal," I just want to be mine.
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For some reason, I was feeling a bit off this morning and I reached for some snacks. I'm not a big snack guy, but as you'll see in the below tweets, I had a mid-morning snack and a late morning snack. It's uncharacteristic of me. It isn't necessarily bad--I mean, really, eating several small meals a day is a good thing. I simply had to stop and acknowledge my reasons for reaching for those two snacks wasn't because I necessarily needed it at the time--it was likely because I was stressed and tired. I kept it within my budget. I made sure it remained in my food plan. And it was okay. But it was important for me to understand what was happening and how I was reacting.

I had a busy afternoon at work followed by a grocery trip and dinner preparations before the Tuesday night support group conference call. It was a great call with 100% attendance seven weeks in--that's a big deal!

My workout tonight was very nice. I've been focusing on the music more and more and when I do--when I allow myself to get lost in it, I always get an amazing workout. When my workout falls short is usually when I share that time with all of the thoughts and concerns of the day. Gifting myself that workout time and deciding to "clear my mental schedule" for its duration, is extremely effective.

My Tweets today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, July 18, 2014

July 18th, 2014 Off The Merry-Go-Round

July 18th, 2014 Off The Merry-Go-Round

I sat down for lunch right next to the box of donuts someone brought to work. They were left on the table for anyone to grab for a quick sugar fix. I didn't. Not only did I not, I sat there enjoying my lunch without the slightest compulsion in the direction of the donuts. After lunch, I contemplated a good question: What keeps me from indulging the most? Is it my abstinence from sugar, keeping the addictive pleasure sensors in check? Or is it the accountability and support system I have in place? Or is it a combination of both? 

All I know is, it was a short four or five months ago when a similar box of donuts was left on the table and I patiently waited for everyone to leave the studios before privately stuffing two of them into my face. But today, not even an inkling, not the slightest itch? It was as if the box didn't even exist. The donuts no longer possessed a power over me. I wasn't looking for the pleasure they provide, instead I was focused on the pleasure I get when I'm remaining true to myself and taking extraordinary care. There isn't any deprivation or feelings of deprivation in my food plan. I eat well. I also know the truth about the pleasure of donuts for me...

It's a very temporary pleasure to partake, requiring a temporary suspension of all things important to me in exchange for a few sugary moments. Then, when the temporary suspension is over, the pleasure is replaced by a flood of negative emotions and self-abusive thoughts about what just took place. At the same time the negative emotions are taking hold, the bio-chemical reactions created by the ingestion of sugar are screaming: "Must have more and more!!" And since this reaction is coming in the moments I'm feeling horrible about myself, my defenses are considerably weakened or non-existent. The quickest (and most temporary) way to feel better in this situation is to follow the brain's command and eat more donuts...and the cycle repeats itself over and over. 

I'm off the merry-go-round. I've jumped off the cycle. I've given up on insanity. I no longer expect a different result, because I know what happens next, without fail, if I make that choice. So what keeps me? I think it's a combination of both, my abstinence from sugar and my support/accountability system. These two things are critical elements of my recovery and they must be embraced forever with the highest importance level.

I left the studio shortly after 4pm and headed straight for the YMCA for a solid elliptical workout. I had just enough time to workout, race home, shower, change and pick up some friends for the big Boston concert tonight. I thought about preparing a dinner to go, but I didn't allow enough time. Instead, I decided to go to the concert "without a net," fully trusting my instincts in selecting a good dinner from the unknown offerings available at the venue. I decided that if I couldn't find anything acceptable, then I would just need to wait for dinner until I got home.

After a quick scan of the menu, I quickly concluded there was only one choice for me: The sirloin steak. I asked the server to skip the bread, potato and seasonal veggies (the veggies at this venue are not very appealing to me)--instead I wanted cottage cheese and fruit with my steak. I also requested the steak be grilled without brushes of butter or other fat, a technique many restaurants employ. The server assured me the steak was 10 ounces. I cut it in half, kept one and gave the other half away to the person sitting next to me. I don't keep cottage cheese at home because of my track record of routinely eating the entire container in one or two sittings, so this was an opportunity to enjoy a favorite food in a controlled portion.

My ex-wife Irene, her steady Alen, my daughter Amber and her boyfriend KL also made it to the Boston concert. I'm so glad they all came up together for the show. I'm telling you, it's wonderful to have such a good relationship post-divorce. There's a lot of mutual love, respect and genuine happiness for one another.

The concert was amazing. Free concert tickets is a wonderful perk of my broadcasting career! If you get a chance to see Boston on their "Heaven On Earth" tour, I highly recommend! I was also very happy that everyone riding with me agreed to leave shortly after, because that's exactly what I preferred. I dropped off my passengers and made my way to the store for a few items, then home for a late night #lastfoodofday snack and some alone-time reflection on another successful day.

My meal Tweets today:






Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

I really feel like I'm into a solid groove these days. I've found a balance. I've had more than 80 days without eating straight sugar, I've written eighty-four consecutive daily blog posts, I'm approaching 100 days binge free, I've exercised regularly and I'm eating better than I have in my entire life. I must pause occasionally and express incredible gratitude for this dramatic turnaround. I say a prayer every day that this balance maintains and everyday it feels like it's here forever. Yet, I know better than to ever settle or relax my stance with an attitude of "I got this."

I was in a very dark place with all of this not too long before and on more than one occasion entertained the thought that I should possibly just let it all go. The weight, my health, my hopes and dreams--all of it, just let it go. I gave it serious thought. Delete the blog, get off Facebook and convince Amazon and every other book seller to stop selling my book. I was losing the fight and about to throw in the towel...but I couldn't do it. I kept getting messages from people, some just discovering my book and/or blog--and the messages were overwhelmingly positive about how my story was helping them with theirs. When an in-patient food addiction treatment center replied to my inquiry about rates and a possible stay, I grew even more depressed. It was going to cost $14,000 for a 30 day stay. I couldn't afford it, but I couldn't afford to stay out of control, unless I was willing to let it all go.

People would still love me, my kids, my mom--family and friends, they would hurt for me, but their love and support would never go away. Perhaps I wanted too much, to be free? Maybe living at a healthy weight wasn't meant to be? Simply not caring would possibly be easier, I thought, but I was wrong. Not caring would be easier in the day to day actions but impossible for me to accept in the bigger picture.

What was most damaging to my psyche was the misalignment between my actions and the public persona I felt I needed to maintain during my deepest and darkest struggles. I wouldn't allow myself a shred of self-compassion over this, brutalizing myself constantly with negative thoughts and actions. Through it all, surprisingly, I never lost the ability to genuinely encourage, support and give fantastic advice to others, but at the same time, finding my balance personally felt a million miles away.

To be where I am today is miraculous to me. It's been a very quick turnaround complete with epiphanies that will forever affect my life in positive ways. My hopes and dreams are alive and well. I'm comfortably on my way back to my healthiest weight. And most importantly, I've learned valuable lessons I needed to experience in order to live my best life, for the rest of my life. I'm still learning. Had I never faced the struggle of the regain and all of the emotions and negative energy in that direction, I wouldn't have felt as prepared as I feel I am today.

I didn't give up. I almost did. But I didn't. I could have closed the curtain on that deal a long time ago, but I was constantly being shown the light peeking through, calling me toward it. I have so many blessings to be thankful for these days. There's always light. Even on the darkest day the sun is shining on the other side.

My spinning class today was only 45 minutes instead of an hour like I thought. When the instructor said "seven more minutes," I felt such a relief. The spinning classes are some serious work, especially at this weight. I feel good after. Making it all the way to the end of the class leaves me with an incredible sense of accomplishment. I plan on continuing with spinning every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

I visited Courtney and Noah after my workout. Noah and I played with my phone and had a wonderful time before his dinner time. He's eating regular food now and he's naturally doing very well with the transition from formula and baby food. His smile fills me with an indescribable joy.

I stopped by Amber's apartment on my way to dinner for a quick visit. She updated me on her preparations for her new job as an elementary special education teacher. She's excited and I'm thrilled and excited for her too!

I decided to have some fajitas out instead of cooking tonight. I have a few solid strategies for getting in and out of the restaurant within my calorie budget. I employed them tonight with much success. Details in the tweets below.

Good food day!












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, July 6, 2014

July 6th, 2014 This Is Part Of The Deal

July 6th, 2014 This Is Part Of The Deal

This has been a wonderfully long day! I started the day with a small portion of yellow watermelon instead of a big breakfast, my usual weekend brunch type meal. I did this because I knew I would be picking mom up and we'd be dining out for lunch at our favorite Stillwater Mexican place. I do my best to have some variety when I'm preparing meals at home, but when I'm eating out in a restaurant I don't like variety, I prefer certainty.

I know the single order of chicken fajitas at Mexico Joe's in my hometown is a precisely measured 4 ounces of chicken on a bed of grilled onions and peppers. I know that if I order corn tortillas instead of the flour it normally comes with, I'll save considerable calories. I know for certain, I can get in and out of there within my calorie budget, no worries. I shared the order with mom and we each were satisfied. We talked about how different things could be there--and how easy it would be to consume a couple thousand calories like we had so many times before. Then, we talked about our approach now and how satisfied we were-- full, but not stuffed--satisfied and confident, content and certain in our resolve and commitment in taking better care.

On the way into the restaurant I met the organizer of my 25th high school reunion in the parking lot. I paid my dues to join the festivities later this month. Deciding to attend this reunion is a big deal for me. I don't have time right now to explain why it's a big deal to me, but I will soon, right here in these pages.

Mom and I made our way back to Ponca City in just enough time to make it into the store for Noah's birthday party supplies, to the studio to give some family members a tour of the downtown studios where I work and then to my grandson's 1st birthday party.

I bought five quarts of ice cream today.  So if you're local to me and you witnessed me grabbing the giant container from the freezer section--and you thought, oh no--he's jumping off the wagon!! Nope! I was responsible for a certain portion of the party supply list and ice cream just happened to be one of the items.

The party was a fantastic event. Noah was overwhelmed with so much love and attention. He really got into ripping open his seemingly endless stream of gifts (even if he was more fascinated with the paper and packaging then the actual presents--hey, he's 1!!). The "smash cake" was a fun 10 minutes. He tore through that little chocolate cake like a man on a mission to destroy! He consumed very little cake. He was too busy annihilating it into a giant mess. It was cute.

I helped pass out the cake and ice cream. I felt like a recovering alcoholic volunteering to be the bartender. I was distributing a substance that's basically my kryptonite.  Accepting and embracing this truth about me has given me a wonderful clarity and freedom. It wasn't will power that kept me from eating the cake and ice cream, because I didn't want it. It was knowing that one bite, let alone a plate full, would certainly send me spiraling. Like a recovering alcoholic avoids vodka, so it goes with me and sugar.

I'm not willing to trade this wonderful feeling I have these days for 5 minutes with cake and ice cream. It's not that I can't. Because I could easily make that transaction, just like I have hundreds of times in my past. It's that I won't, period. It feels good. It's not a case of deprivation or feeling left out--not at all...it's a matter of taking extraordinary care, and understanding, for me--this is part of the deal. Everyone at the party understood where I am at this point in my life and not one of them said a word to the contrary. It was a wonderful experience.

Mom and I hurried back to my place after the party for a good dinner. I made some lean beef tacos, homemade guacamole and rice chips. It was delicious and exceptionally satisfying.

Mom is going to work with me in the morning. If you're interested in listening to "The Sean and Mom In The Morning" Show, simply click this link anytime between 6am and 9am Central: http://player.authorizedstream.com/?pid=593 I can't wait to have mom in studio again! It'll be fun!    

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, June 29, 2014

June 29th, 2014 Always Running In The Background

June 29th, 2014 Always Running In The Background

My plan today included cleaning my apartment, taking care of a friend's dogs, cooking some great meals, working out at the YMCA, a quick grocery trip (more fruit and coffee), visiting with my youngest daughter Courtney and grandson Noah, writing this blog update and actually getting to bed a time appropriate for someone who gets up at 4:30am. I have writing, grocery store and visiting left on my list--oh, and dinner.

Right before bed, I plan on making some rounds to my favorite blogs--reading some and offering support.  I usually do that well on the weekends, but my schedule this weekend has been kind of different.

I can see where my continued success might appear to be hoisted up by an all consuming schedule of writing, exercising, cooking and tweeting. It's really not. The fundamentals to my plan each day--when all goes well, run like a computer program in the background. My life is happening just as it was when I was struggling horribly. I still have job stress, financial stress, occasional inter-personal relationship stress, scheduling stress--where the only way to make it better is to become better at time management--and yet, I'm giving thanks each day for another successful day of taking extraordinary care.  The "program," my program--runs in the background 24/7. This peace and calm I've written about lately is when I'm handling life in the foreground while my program is running quietly and consistently in the background. The background program enhances the foreground program in many ways.

Nearly 100% abstinence from pure sugar has made an impact I had to experience for myself to fully believe. The absence of the binge behavior and urges to binge have been nothing short of miraculous. And should I ever conveniently forget about what sugar does to me, it'll be like a virus infecting my background program. I'm extremely protective of my background program! My commitment and diligence each day is like antivirus protection. Staying supportive of others, keeping an open mind, prayer, meditations, positive visualizations and moving forward one day at a time is like keeping that antivirus protection updated.

My next weigh day is this coming Wednesday. I'm looking forward to stepping on the scale for my 10 week number. And that's all it is, a number. Never again will it define my worth and identity. The number will only serve as a statistic and guidepost toward my ultimate goal of getting back to and successfully maintaining a healthy body weight. I'm seriously considering adding some calories to my budget. If I do, they'll be good calories--proteins--and things that will help me as I start using my newly acquired NordicFlex weight training machine. But I'm still not sure if those changes will come after this 10 week weigh in or the 13 week mark. I'll see how I feel when the time comes.

I'm not hungry. I'm eating well and it seems enough. I could stand a little more water. Most days I struggle to hit the minimum 64oz.  The water and time management--these are two important things deserving of my attention. And I have been doing better on these two. Sometimes the schedule gets out of my control--especially when storms roll in and I find myself on the air for coverage, often in the middle of the night. No complaints really--I'm compensated for it--and I'm thankful for the job. Weather coverage and other scheduling challenges are most usually things I can anticipate and do my best to make sure it doesn't completely throw me into a tailspin. I must give myself a pat on the back for taking better care in these departments. I've really made some positive strides.

I'm having so much fun sharing my meals, exercise and occasional humor on twitter. If you want to join in, simply go to www.twitter.com/seanaanderson If you're not into food pics and calorie counts--you might want to skip it. It's every single bite, every single day--photographed, described, calorie counted--and tweeted. Too much? For some, yes. For me? It's doing wonders. It's working. And this is what this journey is all about--finding what works for you.  I'm finding what works for me and it's constantly running in the background of my life.

Thank you for reading! I'm off to the store, to see Courtney and Noah--and then a late dinner of some sort. I had a late lunch at a little after 4pm--so I'm not hungry--hoping to feel like something before too long. I have 800 calories remaining...yikes! This is one of the challenges of the weekend--proper calorie management. It's hardly a problem during the week because of my schedule starting so early in the morning.

Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, June 28, 2014

June 28th, 2014 Outside Food: The Lunch Experience

June 28th, 2014 Outside Food: The Lunch Experience

It was tough to get out of bed this morning after last night's late on-air weather coverage. I was getting up early to help some friends load their moving truck. I'm so glad I did because it felt good to help and it was one of the best workouts I've had in years. I made sure to take time for breakfast preparation and preparing a sack lunch for the inevitable lunch time break.

Lunch ideas were tossed around. Fried chicken? BBQ? Pizzas? It didn't matter to me, I had planned, prepared and packed my lunch.  I was hoping they would order out and everyone eat at their house, but the decision was made: The lunch break would be at the pizza buffet place.

At first I agreed to go too, taking my food with me. Then suddenly I started worrying about what might happen if I took my outside food into this restaurant. Would I be told I couldn't by the manager? Would people look at me in a strange way? Everyone was already in their vehicles when I decided I just couldn't do it. I asked my friend, "Do you mind if I stay here and eat my lunch? You guys go ahead and enjoy, I don't mind. I just didn't want to take my lunch into the restaurant."  He understood and said he didn't mind and we parted ways. I decided to drive home and eat lunch. I was almost to my apartment when I had a revelation.

I'm going to the pizza buffet place!!! I'm going to enjoy lunch and conversation with my friends. Part of the freedom included in the epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post involve caring much less about what others think of me. I'm confident in who I am. There was a respectful way to handle this restaurant situation without creating stories in my head about how the management and diners would react to me bringing in my own food. Who cares? If it's an issue, I'll leave, I thought.

After accepting then abruptly declining the lunch invitation, then having a sudden change of heart and going anyway, I kind of felt like I was in the middle of an internal tug of war.  But now I felt empowered and determined to enjoy my lunch while visiting with everyone else. I pulled into the parking lot, grabbed my lunch bag and without hesitation, headed for the door. Instead of sitting down and feeling like I had to conceal my "outside food" that was possibly breaking a common policy many restaurants maintain, I went straight to the counter. I was greeted by a very nice lady, I asked if she was the manager--she said yes, and then I explained what I wanted.

I opened with a compliment: "I love how you've remodeled the place! I'm with the party of eight in the room over there, but I'm on a special food plan. Would it be okay if I eat the food I brought while they eat your buffet?" She replied with a smile: "That's fine!" Okay, that went way better than I imagined. I added, "do you mind if I use a plate and order a water? I'll be sure to tip!" Again, "that's fine, no problem." 

I immediately walked past the hot buffet line full of almost every kind of pizza you can imagine. Hot pastas full of sauce and cheese, garlic bread--they had it all. I grabbed my plate and headed to the table where I assembled my sandwich, logged the food in MyFitnessPal, took a picture and sent the Tweet:



I didn't make a big deal about it. I didn't talk about my food until someone at out table asked me to describe what was on my plate. Honestly, I don't think anyone else away from our table even noticed. I quietly took care of me, doing my thing as everyone enjoyed wonderful lunch conversation. I participated in the fantastic conversation too and as I did, I couldn't help but smile inside because I felt wonderful about my decision to join the group for lunch. And to think, I almost didn't because I was allowing my imagination and fear to mix into an unrealistic expectation. There wasn't a stern manager telling me to leave...I didn't get strange looks at me or my food...just a wonderful lunch experience with some of the best people I know.

What also stood out in a profound way, was how content I was. There wasn't a struggle passing by the above described buffet line. My mouth wasn't watering at the site of other people's food. I didn't feel deprived in the least. It wasn't will power. Will power is when we're exerting a large amount of energy in an effort to keep ourselves from doing or having something we really want. It didn't require will power because I didn't want. That's a big difference. The key to this difference is found in focusing on the perspective that says, isn't it nice to have such a wonderful visit with friends? Isn't this lunch delicious and satisfying? And not: I can't have what they're having. Because clearly, I could--and for free, my friend's were picking up the tab.

And that's an important distinction. It wasn't that I couldn't eat what they were eating, I could have easily. I didn't want to for very good reasons. Just to clarify, had it been a restaurant with items I could order and feel good about, then I might have returned my prepared lunch to the fridge, saving it for later. My recovery from food addiction is something I take very seriously and if I'm ever in doubt about what's available where I'm headed, then I'll always be sure to bring something with me or wait until I have access to something I can accept. I had no idea of the lunch plans today, so I adequately prepared myself, and it paid off handsomely.

I managed my calories with intention and deliberateness today. I did well. My workout was the moving experience. I prepared a very nice Tilapia loin dinner with asparagus, zucchini, pear and fresh strawberries and I enjoyed a wonderful visit tonight with my oldest daughter Amber at her place across town. Her and I have some pretty powerful conversations! Both of my wonderful daughters remind me of me in various ways.

I even took some time during a break in the move to tweet some humor:



Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

I spent most of the day with mom, taking her to an eye specialist appointment at the McGee Eye Institute in Oklahoma City. It was a wonderful experience as expected. We carefully packed "road lunches" before departing, each with a sandwich, cheese stick, three kinds of fruit and some wild rice chips. These served as both lunch and snacks along the way. It felt good to do the three P's: Plan, Prepare and Pack. I can't count the number of trips we've made over the years where the first stop was a convenience store for snacks or a fast food drive through on the way out of town. And if the trip involved going "to the big city," like today, then an elaborate plan to eat somewhere "special" was usually the main attraction. Would it be that big home style buffet on the South side or that Mexican all-you-can-eat place where whenever you want more food, you simply raise the flag? Yeah!! You don't even need to move from your seat!! Buffets where you actually have to get up and walk around? Forget that movement nonsense! Poncho's Mexican Buffet is full service, baby! I always thought they needed two flags on those tables, the miniature Mexican flag for more food and a white one for when one more bite could trigger a medical emergency.

 As we drove past the Cracker Barrel, we joked about taking a detour and cutting loose on all things Cracker Barrel. We were clearly not serious. But not too long ago, I was very serious. I quickly turned the conversation straight when I shared with mom a secret I had kept for the last four or five months. I hadn't planned on telling anyone about this experience, ever. I just wanted to forget it and move forward. Driving past it today brought out humor at first, then the secret I kept. I decided to share a little of the story with mom today and I've decided to share that and the rest of the experience with you, in order to illustrate just how different things were not too long ago:

I don't remember the exact date, it was either February or March. I had just dropped a friend off at Will Rogers World Airport and was headed home when I suddenly felt compelled to take the Cracker Barrel exit. I had been obsessing about their gravy since the pass on the way to the airport and there I was, all alone with a chorus of demons steering me toward the exit. I didn't resist. I walked in and immediately scanned the area for people I might know. I didn't want to get caught. This trip would forever be between me and a server whom I didn't know, I thought. I ordered the chicken fried steak covered in sawmill gravy, with extra gravy and extra biscuits on the side. I finished the giant portions but I wasn't done. I ordered more biscuits and more gravy. I must admit, it was slightly embarrassing to ask for more. In order to do it, I had to pretend I was someone else--because how could I do this?? I kept telling myself, I'll never see this server again. She didn't know she had become the dealer for my addiction.

After finishing off at least six or seven biscuits and two bowls of gravy, not to mention the chicken fried steak, I decided to accept the dessert suggestion. Oh, she was good. Would I like some pie topped with ice cream?? "Oh I shouldn't, really." As if I was some kind of reasonable eater. "What the heck, let's do it. Sure."  I was so busy eating everything I had fantasized about, I barely noticed how sick I was feeling until I walked outside. That was a long, guilty, shameful walk to the vehicle. At one point I seriously thought I would throw up. It was too much food. I was miserable the rest of the night, physically, mentally and emotionally. If I felt hopeless before this food excursion, my feelings had just been confirmed. I was recklessly headed straight back to 500 pounds in a way that suggested my thoughts and actions were not my own, instead from some insatiable monster inside me.

The next day I vowed never again and I started doing well for a day or two, then it was right back to the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through for what had quickly become a very secretive late night habit of shakes and burgers before bed.

When you read words I write about how grateful I am for the peace and calm I enjoy today, now you get a sense of how deep that gratitude flows.

I've enjoyed more than two months of binge free living, more than two months 97% sugar free, more than two months of making additional support a priority and more than two months of not hiding anything. Posting a picture and calorie count of every bite, every day might seem excessive, but I don't look at it like that at all. It's necessary for me. I've gone from worrying this practice might be a big hassle to fully embracing and loving the record it's creating. It only works with extreme honesty. I understand, the second I eat something without the photo and tweet in a deviously secretive way, that's the moment it will unravel quickly and tragically. In this state of acceptance, matched with willingness, a solid determination and iron-clad integrity, I'm experiencing something like never before. Not even during my initial weight loss did I feel this much peace. I'm worth the extra effort. Recovery feels good, life affirming, really--after feeling hopeless, lost and scared in the grips of a powerful relapse. I hereby pledge to protect my recovery with the tools and practices successfully used by the countless people before me who continue to this day, living a peace that once seemed impossible to attain.

Will there be struggles? Of course. And when struggle returns, it's up to me to immediately use the tools and practices of successful recovery in order to correct.  One day at a time.

Mom's appointment at the specialist was a good one. She has a macular pucker on the back of her right eye. It doesn't require surgery right now and it doesn't seem to be negatively affecting her vision too much right now. The doctor set her up for a 6 month return in order to track its progress. If the sight stays relatively stable, no surgery. If it worsens, they'll operate. Mom felt good about the trip and outcome. Going in, she was convinced he might want to operate on her eye immediately--and this scared her. I felt her relief when she realized this wasn't the case.

After both of us started falling asleep in the various waiting rooms we toured over the course of three hours, we decided a coffee was in order before the return trip to Stillwater.  Our visit wasn't focused on a "big city" restaurant visit, it was focused on quality time together--visiting, discussing--and laughing, then laughing some more and more.  Of course we planned a nice dinner out upon returning home at one of our favorite places.

We decided to share a single 1/2 order of chicken fajitas for dinner. Notice, of the handful of times I've eaten out in the last couple of months--fajitas, be it Hawaiian or simple chicken, have been the go-to order.  I like it because it feels easily manageable. I have a pretty easy Mexican restaurant strategy to follow: If I do the chips (and I did), I separate mine from the bowl--count out my serving and that's mine--no more...eat 'em slow or fast, when they're gone--that's it. I ask for corn tortillas instead of flour (saves anywhere from 25-50 calorie per tortilla) and I choose to pass on the calorie dense rice and beans. I can confidently get in and out of a restaurant with these fairly simple rules.  And it's not like I'm sitting there miserable the entire time because I'm not indulging in loads of chips and dips and sour cream enchiladas--My focus is shifted to the ones I'm sharing the meal with, in this case Mom...it's more an opportunity to relax and enjoy one another's company, rather than get stuffed.  For me, once this shifted perspective is embraced, it dramatically changes the dynamics.

I took mom home, grabbed my lunch supplies from earlier (she was excited about me leaving her some pitas and rice chips!) and headed for Boomer Lake on the North part of my hometown. I had an off day from exercise yesterday, so I wanted to make sure I had a good one tonight. I couldn't have made it back in time for the YMCA, so a good 5K walk was in order. And it was great.

Thank you for reading! You can follow along on Twitter by clicking www.twitter.com/seanaanderson and if you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My username is SeanAAnderson.

Strength,
Sean
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Mother-Son Selfie right before my departure tonight
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Monday, June 23, 2014

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

The storms rolled in last night and I was activated, covering weather until the early morning hours. I have done this many times and still made it through my show from 6-9am. I knew before I left the studio, there wasn't any way I could come back and do a show. I was a zombie. I left a note for a colleague to cover my show and it was decided, I was at least taking a half a day--personal day, sick day--whatever we needed to call it, I needed it!

I slept until after 10am, got up and it felt like the weekend all over again. I slept well too. You know the kind of sleep where, maybe a handful of times a year you wake up and think--wow, that was the best, and you feel amazing?? It was that kind of rest. I'm only four and a half months removed from some of the worst sleep of my life and I can tell you, the first thing I do when I wake up feeling great is give thanks for this amazing blessing. If you've ever felt the frustration of severe untreated sleep apnea, where no matter how many hours you're in bed, you still look and feel completely exhausted--then you understand the joy of a good night of real, rejuvenating rest. Oh my--it's like you want to burst open your front door and prance through the neighborhood in your robe singing uplifting Disney songs. I've come close a few times.

I cooked a big hearty breakfast!!


I returned to work mid-afternoon for production and various duties. I made sure to pack some things for lunch. I left shortly before 5pm, ran a couple of errands, requested assistance in moving some exercise equipment into my apartment (more on this in a moment), thought about what to cook for a late dinner--threw a couple of dry seasoned chicken breast in the oven, wrapped in foil--changed clothes, headed to the store to get a few things I forgot last night, then to the YMCA for a good workout.

After the Y, the chicken was still cooking at home while I met Alan, my ex-wife Irene's boyfriend and KL, my oldest daughter Amber's boyfriend. Alan has a truck. They both graciously agreed to help me pick up some exercise equipment from a friend's house and transport it to my apartment--and help me get it up the stairs and into my spare bedroom (which is currently being used for storage). It was almost impossible. Almost...we made it up the stairs with a little help from the insanely strong MMA fighter dude that lives in the building adjacent to me. Okay-- we don't know if he's really an MMA fighter, but we're pretty sure he could be one, easily.

A very dear friend of mine surprised me about three or four months ago when he called to tell me he and his wife had agreed to gift me their big treadmill and Nordicflex weight training machine. They're moving away and they didn't want to take it with them. Rather than deal with the process of trying to sell them, they thought I would get a lot of good out of both and they wanted me to have them. Isn't that amazing? I've volunteered to help them move later this week. It's the least I can do to show my extreme appreciation.

I waited this long to pick up the machines because I wasn't sure I could have them in my upstairs apartment. After careful consideration for the downstairs neighbor, I figured out a plan to minimize the effects of the treadmill vibrations. I'm going to buy a horse stall pad at the local farm supply store. It's a large, hard foam pad--the perfect size to fit underneath the treadmill. It will absorb the vibrations. The NordicFlex isn't a problem, it doesn't move in a way that might cause noise downstairs.

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The decorating will soon begin--as I transform my spare bedroom from a storage room into a workout room! I'm already thinking of cool posters and other inspirational things I'll put on the wall!

The chicken enchilada crispy tacos were amazing tonight.  I ran short on my calories, so a little more than an hour and a half after dinner, I had another taco with a side of cantaloupe as my #lastfoodofday.



I'm continuing this trek back to a healthy weight with a new kind of stride. I welcome you to follow along on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (www.twitter.com/seanaanderson) and my username on MyFitnessPal is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, June 19, 2014

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

I was prepared today. Preparedness doesn't always prevent struggle. One of my interviews on the show this morning was Mark, an avid fisherman. He was coming in studio to promote the upcoming All-American Fish Fry Blood Drive with the Oklahoma Blood Institute. This will be the 8th year this man has caught, cleaned, prepared and cooked all of the fish for this big annual event. Every year, in advance of the date (usually the week before), he brings fresh fried catfish into the studio for everyone to enjoy. Today was the day.

I love fried fish. I love fish, period. Even though I was fully satisfied with my breakfast, I was having a very tough time resisting the aroma of the fish and chips in the studio lobby.  I tweeted about it, expressing "...I need to get out of here." In years past I've indulged on this day, but not this time. Sending the tweets about the fish gave me strength to walk away. Could I have eaten a piece and simply counted? Sure. But as solid and on plan as I've been lately--coupled with the fact that I had just finished breakfast and wasn't even remotely hungry, I made the right call.  I don't feel bad for Mark, the fisherman, because plenty of others enjoyed the free fish. And he knows how I feel about his fish, it's the best!

I left the studio not long after my show and when I returned after lunch, the crock pot of fish and fries still had several pieces. Yes, I checked. I had just finished a wonderful lunch of baked fish, sweet potatoes and pears. Again, I wasn't hungry, yet I was still compelled to check the crock pot. I didn't eat any. I quickly made my way to the upstairs production studio and dove into my work. After a couple of hours I enjoyed an orange before finishing the work day. I still needed to go downstairs and secure the on-air studios, which meant encountering the crock pot of what was now cold and old catfish and fries.

It still smelled good. I came within an inch of eating it. I went so far as to remove the lid and pick up a few pieces. For a moment I thought, I can just count it, tweet it and eat less for dinner. Oh, I was doing my best to make it okay.  At this point, considering the struggle, there was no way I was giving up. I put the cold fish back in the pot, returned the lid--acknowledged the glistening of oil on my fingers and the smell, then promptly went into the bathroom and washed it away. I walked from the studio feeling empowered.

It showed me that just because I'm 97% sugar free, it doesn't mean I'm completely free from errant thoughts and occasional struggle. This situation was a different kind of trigger. It was the sight and smell. Had the food been a large pizza from Hideaway Pizza in my hometown, I would have experienced the same struggle. Had it been a giant pot of sesame chicken from Chinese Express--same struggle. I haven't had many of these types of struggles in the last couple of months because I haven't been around some of these foods. It was a good thing to experience this today.

After deciding to grill something for dinner, I realized I forgot to take the meat from the freezer. No problem, I'll just go buy a small package at the store and grab a few other things while I'm in there. But when I pulled into the store parking lot I realized how tired I was. It had been a long day. Instead of shopping, then cooking--I decided to give myself a break from the kitchen and grab some Hawaiian Fajitas to go from my favorite little Mexican place. Out of the five or six times I've eaten out in the last few months, these Hawaiian Fajitas account for four times, including tonight. I implemented the same calorie saving strategy as I always do at a Mexican restaurant. Dinner checked in at 556 calories.

I planned to workout after dinner but suddenly I didn't feel like it. Was I just too tired today, physically and mentally? Perhaps. I really like to reserve my "off day" from the workout schedule for the weekends. So I decided to drag myself to the YMCA. I arrived and realized I had left my earbuds at home. I wasn't driving all the way back home and back to the Y again for the music. I decided to go ahead and workout without my music. I made it through the workout, but I'll tell you--listening to people grunt and breathe isn't as much fun as getting wrapped up into Billy Idol. It took some focus to see it through. I'm glad I did.

Today's theme has been struggle, in a few different ways. It may have started with the anonymous comment on yesterday's post that stated: "Your blog seems interesting but I cant get past the ugly layout." It was the epitome of superficial, this comment--and as much as it amused me, it must have bothered me a little too. My blog is as strong as the content and message, not to mention what it's done for me in so many ways and what others have told me it's done for them over the years. I take this blog seriously. I've never taken the time to "dress it up" or even consider a few changes to make it easier to read. Perhaps I do need to make a few changes to it, nothing major--maybe a bigger font or something, different color schemes...a prettier layout.

I'm hitting the pillow much earlier than usual and that's a good thing. And despite the various minor struggles today, I'll hit the pillow knowing that I'm in just under budget, I exercised and I took extraordinary care of me today.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

June 18th, 2014 My Food Philosophy

June 18th, 2014 My Food Philosophy

Today was one of those rare days where I didn't snack. I'm getting away from the "snack because it's time to snack" mentality. If I'm hungry, I have something prepared and ready. My snack bag remained untouched today. I'll have something small before bed as my #lastfoodofday, but really, if I'm satisfied and not hungry, why would I eat? My three meals today were enough.








I rarely have cravings but today I did. For some reason, I was craving fresh homemade guacamole. I was thinking about it on the elliptical at the Y. I decided, okay--guacamole it is! Since I started weighing and measuring everything, I'm a little less apprehensive about calorie dense foods--and guac can get that way quickly. Taking the guess work out of the equation has helped me expand my food variety.

I've mentioned it before but it's important to point out again: I eat what I like. And the choices I'm making are made because it's where I am, now. I previously lost 275 pounds eating much differently. It wasn't right or wrong then and my eating habits are not right or wrong now. They're simply reflective of where I am today. I like what I'm doing. It's working for me.

And that's key, in my opinion--finding what works for you. Discovering what you can do, what you like and how you like it. I don't like labeling anything "right or wrong-good or bad." Food is food. When someone asks me for advice on what they should eat as they get started along this road, I always tell them the same thing: Eat what you like, just set a budget and consistently stay within the budget. Trust that your choices will evolve in time. 

If you've been a regular reader of this blog from back in the middle of my initial weight loss, you might remember days where a Snickers Bar, Ice cream, fried mushrooms, cake, fast food cheeseburgers and Taco Bell all made their way into my budget. I don't look back on that time and think, wow--I didn't eat very well. I look back and think, that's where I was and needed to be at that time. Having been 500 pounds for so long, I instinctively knew that I wasn't going to change a lifetime of habits overnight. And I felt like if I tried, it would end up another failed attempt. In my opinion, the "nothing is off limits" philosophy is still valid and important, because it allows us to be where we are, be ourselves--growing and developing in a naturally organic way.

We learn about ourselves along the way. I've learned that I can't do sugar. It took until just recently to arrive at a place of acceptance with this personal truth and for me, it's made a profound difference. But not everybody is a food addict or addicted to sugar, so giving up sugar may not be what's right for you.

The main reason why I've always been a proponent of simplicity when it comes to food is because along this road it's about so much more than food and exercise. The mental/emotional/psychological elements in play are all bigger and more challenging than "what should I eat?" In my opinion, if the greater focus is placed on the food and exercise instead of the mental/emotional/psychological dynamics--then we end up facing the biggest elements unprepared.  If you've ever heard someone say (or said it yourself): "I don't know what happened--I was eating as clean as possible and working out twice a day and I just crashed." It's my experience and opinion, a misaligned focus is to blame.

There are no right or wrong foods. Eat what you like and allow yourself a natural evolution of good choices along the way. The practice of maintaining the integrity of a calorie budget can have a powerful impact on this evolution because we're trying to get the most value for our calories.

And never compare what you're eating to someone else's food. Remember, we're all different. And sometimes the biggest mental hurdles come when we compare what we're eating to our own expectations or what we perceive to be what we should be eating. My best advice is to let it go. Just be you and give yourself room to grow and develop.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 16, 2014

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

------------------------------------------------

Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, June 15, 2014

June 15th, 2014 A Very Blessed Father's Day

June 15th, 2014 A Very Blessed Father's Day

I started the day with a good cup of coffee and a phone call to my dad. Dad and I don't talk enough, really. It was a good conversation and it ended with both of us vowing to make an effort to see each other again soon. I felt better having called and he expressed how much it meant to him, and that was a good start to my Father's Day.

I'm dog sitting for a friend for the next few days. I requested full access to his large "gourmet" kitchen as part of the deal. My apartment kitchen is small and I do well with what I have, but this bigger kitchen is a lot of fun. If you ever notice different plates and table settings accompanying my food and exercise Twitter feed, you'll know--I'm dog sitting.

I treated myself to a fantastic brunch today.




This proved to be too much food. I left food on the plate and revised the count to 589 calories. It was a hearty He-Man type breakfast for this dad!

I enjoyed dinner out with my oldest last night in celebration of Father's Day weekend. Today was another trip out, this time with both of my wonderful daughters and grandson Noah.

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Noah was in awe of his surroundings and fairly excited! He's playing the drums on the table.

I've been eating out less than once a week on average for the last nearly two months. This weekend it was twice. And I'm okay with it as long as I have a plan and stick to it. And I did.  Last night I wrote about taking my food scale to the restaurant. I forgot to grab it for the trip today. Since I didn't have the luxury of my digital measuring device, I decided to be very detailed in my order. I asked the server how many ounces of chicken breast strips came in a half-order of fajitas, she immediately replied "four and a half ounces." I then expressed how important it was for the kitchen to make sure the serving was accurate. I declined the fresh made flour tortillas and real butter, I did not decline the chips and the chunky mild salsa. I counted out 12 chips and grabbed some of the fresca, and immediately calculated it in MyFitnessPal. I gave my rice and beans to Noah. I used corn tortillas instead of flour (the corn variety is almost half the calories of the flour kind), I gave away the pile of cheese on my "fixings" plate, and kept enough sour cream to smear a small amount onto each before filling with grilled chicken, onions and peppers. I used a little over half the chicken (approx. 3oz). They were easily the best chicken fajitas I've ever enjoyed.

Here's the deal:  My seemingly obsessive calculations aren't as obsessive as one might think. It's not about extreme accuracy for me. It's more about setting personal boundaries for my consumption. Calorie counting isn't an exact practice. It's almost impossible to be precisely exact with a perfect count.  When I set good personal boundaries and I'm as close as I possibly can be with the count, I feel incredible about myself. Had I walked into that restaurant today with a different attitude and without a plan, I could have easily done some damage. And it isn't about physical "damage." We're talking mental/emotional damage. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not advocating an occasional binge for me--That type of plan wouldn't work for me at all. Had I cut loose today in the name of Father's Day, the mental and emotional damage, not to mention the possible bio-chemical reactions, would have significantly trumped any possible physical damage. Suddenly, I would have been besieged with feelings of guilt and shame as a tidal wave of remorse and regret washed away this wonderful momentum I've created. The subsequent effects would eventually make dramatic contributions to the physical side of things. But that's just me.

Here's the deal part two: I'm eating well and enough to feel extremely satisfied. I'm confident in doing what feels right for me today. I'm taking immense pride in a job well done. I'm not feeling deprived in any way. The contrast between this feeling and the highly familiar feeling of not caring, is night and day. I'm caring about me on a level I've never known. Not even during my initial weight loss was I this considerate and compassionate toward myself. This feels good.

The best part of today wasn't the food. The best part was the family time. Enjoying a meal with both of my daughters, Noah, Mom, Uncle Keith, Aunt Kelli and her husband Tim was wonderful. I rarely have both of my daughters together at the same time. In fact, I'd venture to say we haven't all three shared a meal together in over a year before today. On the way home, as Noah slept and the three of us listened to music and talked, I had a few moments of clarity in reflection followed by extreme gratitude and thanks for being so blessed and so loved by my family. Amber and Courtney didn't know, but dad was getting a little misty at one point during our 42 mile trip home. It was a special day to me; just beautiful.

I got back to my friend's house to let the dogs out and realized I still had slightly over 500 calories remaining in my Calorie Bank and Trust account. This happens frequently on the weekends because I usually end up combining breakfast and lunch into one meal. If my calorie spending isn't up to at least 850 or so by dinner time, I'll likely fall short at the end of the day. It's not a bad issue to have, really. I prepared a late "breakfast for dinner" steak and swiss omelet with a few strawberries on the side. It served as my #lastfoodofday.

I jumped into my friend's workout room and onto his elliptical and...oh my... totally different style machine than I'm accustomed. I wanted to stop after 10 minutes. It was working different parts of me than my favorite at the YMCA. I pushed it to 20 minutes before calling it good. I was sweating more than when I do a full 30 at the Y. I will feel it in the morning, for sure.

If you're a dad, Happy Father's Day! I hope yours was a good one too.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, June 14, 2014

June 14th, 2014 For The Sake of Accuracy

June 14th, 2014 For The Sake of Accuracy

This was a very busy Saturday. I meant to sleep in this morning but for some reason I was up and wide eyed before 7am.  My schedule consisted of three back to back location broadcasts. It was nine hours straight, so I knew to be prepared.  That was it, preparedness. Had I not been prepared, things could have went South real fast.

I started with a good breakfast, then prepared a lunch and fruit snacks to get me through without being tempted by the free food being offered throughout the day.  I really like the food I'm eating and that makes a monumental difference. The free food today wasn't even the slightest bit tempting. I had a plan, was prepared and stuck with it.

My biggest challenge was being tired. I started to nod off a couple of times right in the middle of the day. I was up way too early this morning.  I had a big evening planned with my oldest daughter, Amber, a Father's Day weekend dinner out and a movie. I had to nix the movie plan. There's no way I would have stayed awake past the opening credits. I know myself well. I've fallen asleep while attempting to watch some of the greatest films of all time. Amber and I opted for dinner and visiting and it was wonderful.  We're both fascinated by how much we're alike. We're two of a kind, for sure.

We dined at a small Mexican restaurant where they serve Hawaiian Fajitas. It's shrimp, steak, chicken and pineapple grilled and served in a hollowed out pineapple. I've enjoyed it three or four times in the last two months. Each time, I've made my best guesstimate on the calorie content based on my knowledge of each individual item and the amazing data base of MyFitnessPal.  This time I wanted to be sure.

I took my digital food scale into the restaurant. I've never done this before. I did it because I was pretty sure I was over-estimating the calories during previous trips. The calories came in a little lower than expected so I added a serving of nine chips and salsa. Exactly nine. I've successfully avoided the chips the last few Mexican restaurant visits, but since the fajita calories were fairly low, I decided to enjoy the limited number. The key to this strategy is to separate my chips from the bowl. Amber counted me out 9 chips and that was it. I didn't reach for more. I enjoyed each one. I avoided the rice and beans altogether. Without some pretty rigid rules, I could easily consume a thousand calories in a place like this. I didn't have a thousand calories to spend. Weighing the ingredients at the table wasn't a big deal and and our server never acknowledged this unusual practice. Although he did ask us several times if everything was okay. Everything was wonderful.

I've once again stayed up way too late. I spoke with a support friend on my way home and expressed that I might just go to bed and write this post on Sunday morning. They suggested a cup of coffee and get it done because I would feel better about it in the morning. They were right. I feel better about it already. And as tired as I am, this cup of coffee doesn't have a chance of keeping me awake tonight.

If you're into food pictures, you'll love my Twitter feed. It's www.twitter.com/seanaanderson   You don't need a Twitter account to look through the tweets. You only need an account if you want to interact with me on Twitter. As part of my accountability system, every thing I eat is first logged into MyFitnessPal--then photographed and tweeted with a calorie count. The picture tweets have made a profoundly positive difference in me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, June 13, 2014

June 13th, 2014 Hazard Signal ON, Literally and Figuratively

June 13th, 2014 Hazard Signal ON, Literally and Figuratively

Today was cruising right along just fine. I felt good, I planned and prepared food. I was confidently accomplishing tasks at work, getting everything done I could before a long weekend. I had no idea that my resolve would be tested by a sudden and stressful event late in the afternoon.

My plan after work was solid. I would workout on the elliptical at the YMCA, exchange my vehicle for the station vehicle, then head home for a good nap before my Friday night rodeo broadcast. The plan was working beautifully until shortly after I picked up the station vehicle.

I noticed the station vehicle didn't have the same power it did the day before. I guess I thought it would improve the more I drove. Instead, it got worse. Finally, it died on the busiest strip in town. I was stranded in the middle of a major roadway at the busiest time of day with traffic whizzing by me. I immediately engaged my hazard signal. I even turned on the green and yellow light bar on top. Traffic didn't seem to slow as much as I had hoped. I was nervous because I just knew at any second I would be rear ended by an inattentive driver. My imagination went further, picturing a chain reaction pile up because of my stranded situation. My stress level was going sky high.

And that's when I started thinking about food. I've had nearly two months straight without too much of these kind of thoughts, and suddenly there I was with my brain trying to convince me that a binge would make this all better. Even after the tow truck was called, loaded the vehicle and was transporting me to the mechanic, I was still having an internal struggle...To eat or not to eat. I spoke with a friend, I sent text messages to another and I shared a fraction of what I was feeling. As the tow truck drove past an old familiar binge food source, I had errant thoughts about the fried chicken and fried pies they had inside.

This wasn't brought on by simple sugar because I haven't had any significant amount in two months. This struggle was brought on by stress. My brain's survival instinct was trying to convince me that I needed a binge to survive this ordeal. I was also very tired and needed a nap, so I was frustrated because my nap time had become this crazy stressful time and the clock was ticking. I had to be at my broadcast by 6pm. It was 4:50 by the time the vehicle rolled off the flatbed tow truck and into the capable hands of the mechanics. By this time I knew a nap wasn't happening. I started to feel hunger. This was genuine hunger, not simply obsessive binge thoughts--although they were still dancing in my head.

I was messing around with three of the four HALT items.  HALT is a term used in recovery circles, it stands for: Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I was hungry, angry because my plan was in shambles and I was way too tired. Add to that the fear of being late for my location broadcast--and I was a mess.

The transmission fluid was bone dry. Knowing my schedule of location broadcasts over the next 36 hours, the mechanics filled her up with fluid and looked for obvious leaks. It seemed to be holding for now. They tested the transmission and it engaged!  I was advised to immediately get a case of transmission fluid and a funnel to keep inside the vehicle, then after this busy broadcast weekend--get it into another shop, because they were booked up until after the 4th of July.

By 5:15pm I was headed home. I passed back by the binge place, not stopping, and I started thinking of things I could throw together for a snack before rushing off to my evening broadcast.  I finally decided to hurry to the BBQ place not far from my house for some smoked turkey breast. The plan was to order 8 ounces worth, double check it for accuracy when I got home (last time I ordered 8 ounces it was more like 12oz), and then graze on it during my broadcast. I was running out of time. I still needed to shower, shave and change clothes...it was just after 5:30pm and I had less than 30 minutes before I needed to be ready for the rodeo broadcast. The drive through of the BBQ place was four cars deep, easily a 20 minute wait at a place like this. I quickly turned around and decided to go inside. Bad idea. The line stretched the length of the building, all the way back to the front door. I had mixed emotions. On one hand I was frustrated because this meant no turkey for me. On the other I was silently taking credit for their rush of business, since I had just voiced and produced a rather elaborate and specific commercial for their rodeo week special.

By 5:45pm I was pulling into my parking space back at my apartment. I literally ran upstairs, turned the oven on and threw in two corn tortillas directly on the rack. While those were getting crunchy, I hurriedly cleaned up, shaved and changed clothes. At 5:55pm I opened a can of fat free/sugar free refried beans and weighed a 100 calorie portion. I placed it on a plate and into the microwave for 40 seconds. Took out the crispy corn tortillas, divided the beans between the two--then topped each with 15 grams of light sour cream before plating them and rushing out the door with absolutely nothing covering these "Bean and Cream" tostadas. I live 3 minutes from the rodeo arena and since my first on-air break wasn't scheduled until 10 minutes after 6pm, nobody seemed to notice I was four minutes late.  Once there, I took the time to log this critically important snack, take a picture and tweet the thing with the 260 calorie count.

By the time I had finished the tostadas, I was feeling much better. It wasn't the food and the ending of my slight hunger that was having the biggest impact on my improved feelings, it was because I had felt a familiar "command" in the middle of all that stress and I survived.

Learning that I am capable of making it in the face of extreme stress was a wonderful thing. In hindsight, I really should have expressed to my support buddies just how powerful it was and how powerless I felt in the heat of the moment. I suppose I did just enough to make it through.

Why would I hesitate to share the degree of difficulty I was facing? Out of shame? Like I'm not allowed to struggle anymore?? We both know that's baloney. Recognizing the struggle, identifying the source--and shutting it down was a wonderful accomplishment today. But it could have been very different. I'm not superman even though lately I've felt like I'm flying in a zone of peace and calm...I'm human and I'm a food addict. Part of my behavior with food is the emotional/stress trigger followed by the survival instinct to eat. Breaking up this behavior pattern was a nice victory today.

I'm exhausted. My first broadcast isn't until 11am tomorrow, so I plan on sleeping in as late as possible. I have 9 hours straight tomorrow, so you better believe I'll be planning and preparing for success tomorrow morning as I put together breakfast, lunch and a couple of snacks.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

June 11th, 2014 Weigh-In Edition

June 11th, 2014 Weigh-In Edition

One of the things I explored during my initial weight loss was the emotional/psychological effects of weighing. I knew how the scale had effected me in the past and I refused to give it that power any longer. One weigh-in where the results didn't measure up to my expectations, and my mood and attitude would do an immediate 180. I worked so hard, didn't I?  Of course it creates uncertainty about everything we're doing...and since many of the things we're doing seem slightly foreign as we work at building new habits and behaviors, it's easy to let one bad weigh-in become the catalyst, throwing it all out the window...our plans, our hopes, our dreams, our health...everything.  A less-than-expected weigh-in result could mean several things: You're retaining water, you're building lean muscle, your metabolism is set to super low, thyroid issues, accuracy issues in tracking/counting, and several more, I'm sure. Whatever the number, it doesn't define you and it doesn't say anything bad about you and what you're doing. It's not an accurate indicator of whether or not you're doing anything right or wrong.  It's simply a check up to see how your body is responding to what you're doing. If it isn't moving for prolonged periods of time even after making adjustments to your approach, then a doctors visit is in order to rule out things like the above mentioned thyroid issue. But there's a flip side to this scale emotions/psychology dynamic.

I weighed today and discovered a 16 pound loss for the last three weeks. This brings my total loss for the last seven weeks to 41 pounds. Having experienced this "it comes off faster in the beginning" dynamic before, I know not to put too much stock in these numbers. It's different when you start from a much larger weight like me. It does come off faster at first. I've paid special attention to my nutrition better than I ever have before and I've made it important to exercise at least six times a week. I'm eating well and moving my body and thank God, it's responding in a positive way. I'm very grateful. If I only had 20 or 30 pounds to lose, then a much slower weight loss and smaller number would be expected and considered fantastic. It's all relative to the individual. One person's 20 is another person's 150. The dynamics in play are largely the same, only the numbers are proportionate to the unique individual.  What I'm saying is...

This quick start will slow in a dramatic fashion. So, as pleased as I am with the numbers thus far, I'm not allowing my early success to give me an inappropriate level of expectation for future weigh-ins. It's worth noting that during my initial 275 pound weight loss, I lost the first 200 pounds in slightly over 10 months--then, I spent the next year and four months losing the last 75 pounds. I lost 275 pounds in 26 months and 1 day...and that averages out to 2.6 pounds per week. When you analyze the numbers like that, it's perfectly reasonable. It all catches up and levels off.  My body will adjust, demand to be challenged more in the exercise department and it will respond differently as I proceed. The important thing is, I shall proceed regardless. When my approach needs adjustment (and it will), I'll be open to adjusting. I'm convinced had I upped my calories from 1500 and dramatically increased my workout intensity/routine, I could have lost the last 75 of my initial weight loss, much quicker than 16 months. Hindsight is golden with the proper perspective. But the larger point is, this is a learning process. It's a unique to the individual, learning experience. And as long as we allow ourselves to be open to learning, then we can only improve the quality of our journey.

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Weigh-In May 21st, 2014

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Weigh-In today June 11th, 2014

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Today was a challenge in other areas, namely sleep/rest. It was a very long day and since I insist on postponing breakfast until after my weigh-in at the doctors office, everything was late. I had a late breakfast, a late lunch and a late dinner. I didn't leave the studio until after 5pm and it was in that moment I had to make a decision.  Do I go straight to the Y for a workout? Or do I do what my body is screaming for me to do, go home and go to sleep for a good nap. Common sense says workout first, prepare dinner, write and actually get to bed at a decent time--but this is where my unique set of personal circumstances come into play. I knew we were expecting storms overnight. I'm on call 24/7 during severe weather season. If severe weather threatens our listening area, I'm headed to work to report the details live as it happens. Gayle Williams shares this responsibility with me and together we've won back to back Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters Broadcasting Excellence Awards for our coverage in 2012 and 2013. We take severe weather coverage VERY seriously around here and it shows in our commitment.  Knowing that there was a 90% chance of me being activated late or in the middle of the night, I chose option B. I headed straight home for a good nap, just in case I needed the rejuvenation for later in the night.

I prepared a late dinner and dessert (cinnamon/Stevia baked pears) and I feel good. I had planned to get a late night workout in, but instead opted to allow this to be my one day without a workout. I'll be fine and I will experience the elliptical at the YMCA again tomorrow.

As I write this, I'm monitoring a large line of severe thunderstorms moving toward our listening area. In fact, just now a warning was issued for Grant county, the county immediately to our West. It's likely not in our listening area just yet, but will be very soon. As expected, I'm headed back to work shortly. I'm confident I made the right decisions today and I feel fantastic about this tremendously positive momentum I'm enjoying. As I proceed one day at a time, I'm paying special attention to my awareness of emotions, stress and attitude--and how these effect my perspective and resolve at particular points throughout any given day. I'm learning so much about myself!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

The search that started and successfully ended last night, thanks to the power of Facebook actually started several months ago. I visit with my mom on a regular basis and when I'm with her I rarely talk about me. I want to know how she's doing, mentally and emotionally.  How she feels is important to me, not at all unlike the concern most of us have for a loved one, or several.  You see, being raised by her, loved, nurtured, protected and seeing her in the most honest light, I've come to believe she is one of the most loving people on this earth.  Proud son talking about his momma? Perhaps. But seriously...

Throughout the history of my entire life, I can count on one hand how many times I've heard her speak in a severely negative way about anyone. The only time I've ever witnessed her show any semblance of anger and rage was when I was challenging her to the extreme as a kid or when she was standing up for me. Her being the mother of a special needs son, I watched her patience spread thin with my little brother, but never breaking, always loving--always caring, always protective. I would do anything for her.

It was sometime last fall while we were having dinner and coffee at our favorite diner when mom asked me a favor. "What is it, mom?" I knew something was on her mind and she was hesitant to ask. I encouraged her and eventually she asked, "Will you find him for me?" (I've replaced his name with the pronoun in an effort to respect his privacy--after brazenly disrespecting it last night). I immediately asked "why?"

"I just want to see him one more time and say a few words," she said. "How would I find him?"  "You have a lot of friends on facebook, maybe they could help." 

I tried a few general searches using the information she gave me and came up empty every time. I was kind of hoping mom would forget this idea, but with every visit, his name would come up. "Mom, you realize he could be dead or happily married with a family. How would he react to this some 50 years later?"  At this point mom would usually drop the subject. But it became more and more clear to me that this was something very important to her. What if something happened to her and I didn't at least give it 100% effort? She's never asked me for much, so why not give it a try?

I posted about this on facebook last night in the best way I knew how. The response was overwhelming. Thank you if you were one who participated. After over 200 shares and numerous comments, it was clear this search had immediately turned into a massive group effort. Less than three hours later I was on the phone with an investigator in California who specializes in finding people, mainly for class reunions. I had all of the details I needed to make contact. He was alive and well. Since that conversation, four others have correctly ID'd the person of interest.

He answered the first number I called today. I spoke to him for one minute and thirty-six seconds. I was apologetic for bothering him, identified myself and my mother. I asked if he remembered the name and he confirmed he did remember. I then proceeded to tell him why I was calling. "The intention isn't to try to rekindle or revisit something from a half century ago. I just wanted to know if you would remotely consider a short visit, even if it's just an hour over lunch?" There was a slight pause and then, "No, no I would not." 

I immediately apologized for bothering him, told him I completely understood and then apologized again for the contact. And that was it.

Afterward I sat alone in my studio pondering this whole situation. And after some counsel from the very wise investigator known as "Sherlock" in California, I realized it was okay. Unleashing a social media storm in an effort to find him was certainly effective but it wasn't necessarily fair to him. Out of respect for him, his family and their privacy, we're going to leave this be once and for all.

I spoke with mom not long after and her first words were filled with gratitude for everyone who helped me fulfill this request of hers. She seemed upbeat and positive, despite the news. And we had a wonderful conversation about how and why this response was normal and okay. And a deeper conversation about the importance of focusing on the future instead of the past. Mom is a young 68. She's in relatively good health, considering--with a few treatable ailments. And God willing, she has a lot of life ahead of her. I love her dearly and I so badly wanted this to turn out differently. But honestly, it may have turned out the best possible way, anyhow. I plan on visiting mom this weekend and once again we'll discuss things important to us both. I feel good in knowing that this is one subject we can let rest...just let it be, let it go and be okay. And we can learn from it in wonderful ways.

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I planned and prepared my food today as always and that's good, because that was one less thing to think about today. We had a big party hosted by the broadcasting company I work for and the invite list including every member of the local chamber of commerce. This event is an annual thing. A few years ago, at goal, I donned a tuxedo at this event. Last year, I donned a noticeably larger tuxedo and this year, no tuxedo. I was just casually and wonderfully me.  Not once did I fret over seeing some of these people I hadn't for over a year. I confidently shook hands and smiled and made my way around the room talking to as many as I could. It's amazing what a shift in perspective can do.

If this event would have happened two months ago, I would have come up with some reason to duck out or not show up at all. The interesting revelation is...

What would have kept me from enjoying myself had this event happened two months ago? It really wouldn't have been the fear of what people would think of me after weight gain, it would have been the self-punishment found in projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge. Let that marinate for a minute.

How we feel about ourselves is a very powerful thing. For someone as sensitive as me, projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge, has been a source of a lot of needless shame, embarrassment and guilt. Newsflash: We're all human! The great news is, it works both ways. I projected a genuine feeling of peace and confidence this evening and I projected it toward everyone around me. Not once did I feel the negative emotions that once upon a time came so easily. I pray this feeling stays with me forever. I will continue doing the inside work needed to maintain this non-physical part of my transformation.

I did leave the party slightly early in order to make my 7pm Tuesday night group conference call. It was once again a great experience. Afterward, I cooked dinner, enjoyed it and then headed for a late workout at the YMCA.

Tomorrow is weigh day! I can't wait to report the number I find. I'm keeping a very level head about whatever the scale says tomorrow. Regardless of the number, I'm not stopping this positive momentum I'm building. If the number is a big loss, I must remind myself to keep my feet on the ground. If it's small or a gain, I'll do the same--with a little help from my friends. Taking back the emotional effects of the scale is important. The numbers don't define who we are. It's for statistical purposes only. And perhaps those statistics can occasionally help inspire small tweaks here and there if needed.

You're welcome to check out my Live-Tweet Twitter feed of all my food and exercise. Also, if you have MyFitnessPal, friend me if you wish, my username is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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