April 25th, 2014 Worth Isn't Defined By A Number or Size
Sometimes it's very important to HALT and assess what you're feeling and how it's affecting your resolve. H.A.L.T. is an acronym used in recovery circles. It stands for don't get too HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY or TIRED. The challenge, whatever it might be, is amplified whenever any of those things are present. I applied this acronym minutes ago as I drove home after an unusually long day. I'm hungry and tired. I'm not too hungry, really, but I am fairly exhausted. I had an errant thought of maybe I could get something small to eat on the way home. I mean, I am a little hungry but mostly tired. My calorie budget was depleted by 7pm today. Grabbing something, anything--no matter how small, would be sacrificing the integrity of my calorie budget. What I'm doing is too important to flippantly violate my calorie budget. Because I'm a tiny bit hungry? Really?? Or is it being slightly hungry coupled with being tired enough to be considered physically and mentally impaired? Yeah, it's that. I had to HALT and assess the situation...and after taking a minute I decided I needed to get home, write a quick blog post documenting my Friday and fall in bed.
The lean sirloin steak I prepared yesterday has now officially made it through three meals. I prepared a very nice steak and cheese omelet wrap in a Joseph's Pita this morning. It was delicious! I had a Fiber One bar mid-morning. Lunch was chicken and cheese crunchy tacos. I enjoyed an apple and a 50 calorie iced coffee for a snack. For dinner I grabbed a bean burrito with salsa instead of cheese and a crunchy beef taco with salsa instead of cheese. One thing this menu screams is: I need to do some grocery shopping! And that's certainly on my agenda for Saturday.
I had a remote broadcast this evening and I'll have five more hours of remote broadcasts tomorrow. Doing these public appearances requires some mental preparation on my part and I'm not referring to advertising content or anything to do with broadcasting. I'm talking about seeing so many people.
The first thing I will do in the morning is remind myself that my worth isn't determined by the number on the scale or the size of my clothes. I was a wonderful human at 505 and at 230 and I'm just as lovely where I am today. It's important for me to remind myself that this isn't a quest in gaining any kind of acceptance or favor from anyone. This is a quest to be healthier, to feel better about me, to take extraordinary care---simply because I'm worth it...I deserve to feel great.
When I'm out in public, I'm often plagued with an overwhelming panic over what others are thinking about the weight I've regained. And it's a mental place that isn't good for me to dwell. My broadcast day starts tomorrow morning at the YMCA and I know there's a better than average chance I'll see people whom I haven't since weighing in around 230. I talk and write about letting these self-inflicted poisonous thoughts go and how vitally important it is---and it is, yet I still struggle with guilt and shame. My profession doesn't allow me to stay hidden in the studio for too long. Doing what I'll be doing tomorrow has been a part of my job for 26 years and you know what's interesting? Never before have I felt this way about public appearances, not even at my heaviest. I was always just me and being me was just fine. And it still is fine. The ONLY thing making it difficult is me and the products of my imagination affected by experience, expectation and an image I've created and enjoyed.
You know what helps alleviate this mental/emotional stuff? Doing the right things. Making the good choices. And knowing I'm headed in a wonderful direction once again.
Thank you for reading,
and Good Choices,