Day 289
The Big Little Things
I notice the small things a bunch these days. Like the bones in my hands. I can see them! Even the tendons in my feet are starting to show. Well, I don't actually see them, I just see the outline of them. My biceps, as puny as they are right now, they show through. If I hold my leg just right, I can see the outline of my leg muscles. I'm easily entertained. The girls like to watch movies for entertainment, I just need a bathroom with a big mirror. That's entertainment enough for me right now. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not full of myself or anything, I'm not...far from it, but I love marveling at the physical changes in me. I love my dimples that have been hidden since I was a kid. I love looking straight ahead at a mirror and actually seeing both of my ears. My eyes look bigger. Not freaky bigger, just bigger...more prominent a feature of my face. Less face, same eyes...makes sense. I like sitting on the couch and folding one of my legs up. I couldn't do that before. I'm still not at the point where I can cross my legs, but you just wait, I'll be a leg crosser someday. I'll sit there and rest my hand on my shoe, as a way to say, “check this out, I'm a leg crosser.” I'm still not a tucker. I've never been a shirt tucker. If a job required my shirt to be tucked, I would walk. Lucky for me I haven't ever worked somewhere like that. I know the owner of our radio stations reads this blog, I'm sure we'll get a memo tomorrow mandating that all shirts be tucked in at all times. He has a fun sense of humor. As much as I've developed and evolved along this journey, it's still hard to imagine a shirt tucking-leg crossing version of me. But that's where I'm headed. A leg crossing, shirt tucking, slim trim, neat, well groomed kind of a guy. I'm so impatient. I wanna see those “after” pictures! Those pictures are going to blow all the previous “in progress” pics out of the water!
After talking so extensively about my experiences in stand-up in last night's blog, I decided to wonder over to www.seanboy.net and see if it still existed. My cousin Kristen has maintained it all these years, even put the copyright 2009 at the bottom. I sincerely appreciate her help and belief in me. I invite you to check it out. You'll see my old big fat head shot. Click on “bio,” and instead of a bio, you'll see a picture of me and my little brother Shane. Shane loved it when I'd take him to the comedy clubs. Hanging out at “the comics table” in the back made him feel so wonderful. He had a chance to meet so many of his favorite comics, and everyone was so kind. They loved Shane. Everyone loved Shane, he was such a pure spirit. I miss him horribly. If he were alive today, I know that he'd be headed in the same direction as me on this journey. He looked up to me so much, I never felt worthy of his unconditional love and admiration of his big brother. He was so special. I don't know if I ever really dealt properly with my grief in losing Shane, because these past few sentences have ripped my heart. I miss him so much.
On that site, you can also listen to audio clips from a performance at Laffs Comedy Club in Albuquerque, New Mexico from January 2003. I just finished listening to them. The audio quality isn't the best, my voice was hoarse, and I cringe at some of the material. But it's there if you're curious.
Courtney insisted on treating us to dinner tonight at one of our favorite restaurants. I've written about JW Cobbs before, it's a down home country cookin' kind of place. Their specialty is chicken fried steak smothered in cream gravy. We didn't order that. We all ordered the “senior” portions. I had the chopped beef steak with a half baked potato and a serving of corn. I know, two starches, pardon me...I'm just not that advanced yet. You know me, calories in---calories out. I count the calories in and I don't count the calories out. I keep it way simple. Anyway, it was a nice dinner out. We enjoyed it, and giving the waitress our weigh in update was fun. Even if it did annoy the people at the next table. I don't think they cared to hear about our weight loss success as they dined on the house specialty. That waitress has watched us shrink from the beginning. She remembers the old Sean and the old ordering habits. She could tell you my style...Extra rolls, extra gravy, chicken fried steak, fries, fried okra, and maybe even desert. And I wouldn't leave a bit of it on the platter. She can't help but notice the differences not only in our appearances but our choices. It's dramatic.
Our workout was wonderful last night, a little too late at night, but it was good. Except for the stranger that struck up a conversation with me about an exercise infomercial out of the clear blue. He was running, and right as he was about to pass me, he slowed down to my power walking pace and started talking. I did participate in the conversation, but I wasn't completely willing. I don't want to be rude, but when I'm out there, I'm working out! I'm usually lost in my music and pushing myself hard to get the best workout I can. I'm certainly not there to talk to anyone but myself. Had it been someone I knew, maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed. Of course someone that knows me already understands my philosophy out there. I'm not there to visit. We can visit later when we're finished! I'm heading out now (a little earlier than last night—thank goodness) to get one in! Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Day 288 Breaking Free and Dreaming Without The Influences of Obesity
Day 288
Breaking Free and Dreaming Without The Influence of Obesity
It feels so wonderful to start the day like I started this morning. I received an e-mail from a reader that is experiencing some breakthrough success. In her words, I noticed the same amazing feeling that has engulfed me throughout this journey. It's a feeling of freedom. It's a feeling of clarity. It's a feeling of hope. It's a feeling that comes from every obstacle we imagined was in our way...being completely gone. All of a sudden what once seemed impossible, is unfolding before us. Like all the pieces to the puzzle are magically fitting into place. The hopeless feelings are gone. The dreams are back. And there's such a dramatic difference between dreaming something that seems impossible and dreaming something that all of a sudden is completely possible. That reader who sent the e-mail this morning, she's on her way to realizing dreams she once thought impossible. She's going to make it. She knows too much to ever be able to deny her success. And her story and success will inspire and enlighten many more.
When I think about how my dreams have evolved over the years, I think about how I use to make my dreams revolve around me being morbidly obese. I couldn't really imagine losing the weight, so if I was still going to dream, it had to be as a morbidly obese person. I pursued my comedy dreams as a morbidly obese funny guy, and surprisingly found a certain level of professional acceptance. But I wasn't comfortable being that guy. I didn't want to be the funny fat guy. Most of my material was self-deprecating. I remember several shows where an overweight person would come up to me and ask me to stop being so mean to myself. But I was hooked by the laughter of 399 others in the room that night. It was acceptance. It was a feeling of being loved despite my appearance, and actually loved because of it! I was addicted. It was a powerful thing. When I started, I would drive four and a half hours to Dallas for five minutes of unpaid stage time. I drove to Tulsa and Oklahoma City twice a week for unpaid stage time. I wanted the rush of making those people laugh. I didn't care if I wasn't getting paid...I was paying my dues, even if it was at the expense of my family. If we could barely afford groceries that week, I would still take the money to get me to that next comedy show. I craved that love from audiences while ignoring the love from my family. When I started getting paid to perform, it was never enough to justify the extreme cost. But I was always dreaming of that big break on the horizon. That's what would save everything. When I “made it” to Hollywood and was asked to be a host comic at the Hollywood Improv, you would think that would have been the big time. It wasn't. I was sharing the stage with big name comics, I felt real important, but you see, The Hollywood Improv is a showcase club. When you're on that stage, anything can happen. It's like you owe them for allowing you to perform there. As a host comic I was paid $35.00 per show. It was a showcase club, I was lucky to get that. It does pay off for some. But usually for the ones who are truly comfortable with who they are as a person and a comic. BJ Novak was a relatively unknown comic at the Improv around the same time as me, eventually the executive producer of a new NBC show caught his act there and offered him a part on a show. That show was “The Office.” BJ was very comfortable, very natural, and himself on stage. I was forcing myself to be something I really didn't want to be. I was addicted to being mean to myself, being a bully to myself, for the sake of laughs and acceptance. The breakthrough for me in realizing this unhealthy addiction came while filming a segment for Jimmy Kimmel Live. The following is an excerpt from Day 18 of this blog: The bit was produced about an hour before the “live” broadcast, and it wasn't long into the shoot when the director told me that Jimmy wanted me to really put on some womens undergarments so they could photograph it and then make it look like an x-ray image during the bit. This was never mentioned beforehand, and despite the fact that I was so excited to get to hang out and be a part of this show, I told them flat out NO! I said “If that's what I have to do here than I'll just leave now”. The director and segment producer left to consult with Jimmy somewhere backstage, and after what seemed like 10 minutes, they came back and told me that they would use one of their overweight production assistants as a stand-in. I would still be in the bit, but this poor guy would have to be the one they take the fake x-ray picture of in panties and a bra. He was happy to do it, and I was happy to still be in the bit. But I certainly realized that I wasn't one bit comfortable as the “big fat guy”. I didn't want to be that guy. I never have wanted to be that guy. After that initial appearance they called me several times to do other “let's laugh at the fat guy” type bits. One was a take off of the TV show “The Bachelor” called “The Fatchelor”...and I wasn't in town to do it. I'm glad I wasn't. They ended up using that same overweight production assistant...and I bet he was thrilled! I want to be that slim, neat looking, in shape, well dressed guy. That's what I dream of being, even if Jimmy Kimmel doesn't think it's as funny! I wasn't in town to do anything else for the Kimmel show, because I packed up and headed back home just a few days after that appearance. I was done trying to make myself feel accepted and loved as the fat guy. My addiction to that rush was over. I had my family's love waiting back in Oklahoma. It was there the entire time. My days of making my obesity a part of my dreams ended on that hot June day in 2003. When the clarity of this journey started coming about, all of a sudden I started dreaming as a thin and healthy individual. It's so much better. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be ever again. I can be my true self once and for all.
I grilled some wonderful pork chops tonight. The dinner was exceptional and for desert? A 60 calorie Popsicle brand fudge bar. It was very nice. We're heading out to complete another 5K tonight. I hope to increase the distance I actually jog out there. I really think I can take it further. I know I can. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Breaking Free and Dreaming Without The Influence of Obesity
It feels so wonderful to start the day like I started this morning. I received an e-mail from a reader that is experiencing some breakthrough success. In her words, I noticed the same amazing feeling that has engulfed me throughout this journey. It's a feeling of freedom. It's a feeling of clarity. It's a feeling of hope. It's a feeling that comes from every obstacle we imagined was in our way...being completely gone. All of a sudden what once seemed impossible, is unfolding before us. Like all the pieces to the puzzle are magically fitting into place. The hopeless feelings are gone. The dreams are back. And there's such a dramatic difference between dreaming something that seems impossible and dreaming something that all of a sudden is completely possible. That reader who sent the e-mail this morning, she's on her way to realizing dreams she once thought impossible. She's going to make it. She knows too much to ever be able to deny her success. And her story and success will inspire and enlighten many more.
When I think about how my dreams have evolved over the years, I think about how I use to make my dreams revolve around me being morbidly obese. I couldn't really imagine losing the weight, so if I was still going to dream, it had to be as a morbidly obese person. I pursued my comedy dreams as a morbidly obese funny guy, and surprisingly found a certain level of professional acceptance. But I wasn't comfortable being that guy. I didn't want to be the funny fat guy. Most of my material was self-deprecating. I remember several shows where an overweight person would come up to me and ask me to stop being so mean to myself. But I was hooked by the laughter of 399 others in the room that night. It was acceptance. It was a feeling of being loved despite my appearance, and actually loved because of it! I was addicted. It was a powerful thing. When I started, I would drive four and a half hours to Dallas for five minutes of unpaid stage time. I drove to Tulsa and Oklahoma City twice a week for unpaid stage time. I wanted the rush of making those people laugh. I didn't care if I wasn't getting paid...I was paying my dues, even if it was at the expense of my family. If we could barely afford groceries that week, I would still take the money to get me to that next comedy show. I craved that love from audiences while ignoring the love from my family. When I started getting paid to perform, it was never enough to justify the extreme cost. But I was always dreaming of that big break on the horizon. That's what would save everything. When I “made it” to Hollywood and was asked to be a host comic at the Hollywood Improv, you would think that would have been the big time. It wasn't. I was sharing the stage with big name comics, I felt real important, but you see, The Hollywood Improv is a showcase club. When you're on that stage, anything can happen. It's like you owe them for allowing you to perform there. As a host comic I was paid $35.00 per show. It was a showcase club, I was lucky to get that. It does pay off for some. But usually for the ones who are truly comfortable with who they are as a person and a comic. BJ Novak was a relatively unknown comic at the Improv around the same time as me, eventually the executive producer of a new NBC show caught his act there and offered him a part on a show. That show was “The Office.” BJ was very comfortable, very natural, and himself on stage. I was forcing myself to be something I really didn't want to be. I was addicted to being mean to myself, being a bully to myself, for the sake of laughs and acceptance. The breakthrough for me in realizing this unhealthy addiction came while filming a segment for Jimmy Kimmel Live. The following is an excerpt from Day 18 of this blog: The bit was produced about an hour before the “live” broadcast, and it wasn't long into the shoot when the director told me that Jimmy wanted me to really put on some womens undergarments so they could photograph it and then make it look like an x-ray image during the bit. This was never mentioned beforehand, and despite the fact that I was so excited to get to hang out and be a part of this show, I told them flat out NO! I said “If that's what I have to do here than I'll just leave now”. The director and segment producer left to consult with Jimmy somewhere backstage, and after what seemed like 10 minutes, they came back and told me that they would use one of their overweight production assistants as a stand-in. I would still be in the bit, but this poor guy would have to be the one they take the fake x-ray picture of in panties and a bra. He was happy to do it, and I was happy to still be in the bit. But I certainly realized that I wasn't one bit comfortable as the “big fat guy”. I didn't want to be that guy. I never have wanted to be that guy. After that initial appearance they called me several times to do other “let's laugh at the fat guy” type bits. One was a take off of the TV show “The Bachelor” called “The Fatchelor”...and I wasn't in town to do it. I'm glad I wasn't. They ended up using that same overweight production assistant...and I bet he was thrilled! I want to be that slim, neat looking, in shape, well dressed guy. That's what I dream of being, even if Jimmy Kimmel doesn't think it's as funny! I wasn't in town to do anything else for the Kimmel show, because I packed up and headed back home just a few days after that appearance. I was done trying to make myself feel accepted and loved as the fat guy. My addiction to that rush was over. I had my family's love waiting back in Oklahoma. It was there the entire time. My days of making my obesity a part of my dreams ended on that hot June day in 2003. When the clarity of this journey started coming about, all of a sudden I started dreaming as a thin and healthy individual. It's so much better. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be ever again. I can be my true self once and for all.
I grilled some wonderful pork chops tonight. The dinner was exceptional and for desert? A 60 calorie Popsicle brand fudge bar. It was very nice. We're heading out to complete another 5K tonight. I hope to increase the distance I actually jog out there. I really think I can take it further. I know I can. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Monday, June 29, 2009
Day 287 Is Something Burning? and Turf N Surf Workout
Day 287
Is Something Burning? and Turf N Surf Workout
If you read Day 286, then you know how my day started. Good news: The stations are back on the air. Everything isn't 100% just yet, but we have a really good engineer, he'll get us there in a very short amount of time! Lightning is incredibly destructive and very strange. It can totally destroy one thing and leave something next to it untouched. It goes with the territory I guess. Anytime you have a 300 foot tower pointing straight up into the Oklahoma sky, you're bound to get some lightning damage sometime. I think the last time we were hit this bad was in April 2004, so really we've been very fortunate.
I marinated some chicken all night long and was so excited about getting the chance to throw it on the grill. We were going to have it for lunch and then head to Stillwater to celebrate my Aunt Kelli's birthday, but with the circumstances surrounding the station, we decided to cancel our little trip and stay close to home. So we decided to grill the chicken for dinner. I fired up the grill and put the sweetest smelling chicken ever on the racks, it was going to be perfect! Then I went inside and did some other things. Too many other things. When I returned, the grill thermometer was reading over 700 degrees and the neighborhood was filling with smoke. I opened the grill and discovered the chicken ablaze and burnt badly. I was a little worried that maybe it didn't get done all the way, you know, burnt on the outside...raw in the middle. A quick check confirmed my suspicions. So I grabbed the pieces and placed them on the higher rack away from the direct heat. They finally were done after a little bit, but still black and crispy. And not the good kind of crispy, this was the bitter, burnt, nasty aftertaste in your mouth kind of ruined. I peeled off the black and then removed the salvageable meat from the bone of every piece. It wasn't how I planned on serving the chicken, but it worked, I guess. I wasn't just going to throw it away!
After dinner we contemplated our workout plans. There wasn't a threat of storms, so we were good. I thought we might complete our weekend 10K and then swim, but we decided on a more time friendly 5K and swimming. At the trail we really pushed it. I even jogged a record distance. I just kept going. I found a pace, concentrated on breathing properly, and did it, maybe a couple hundred yards or more. I can see that eventually I'll be able to run, like really run, without stopping. Just like the people I see out there occasionally. We did lap races at the pool. It was a major workout. Then I concentrated on my swimming technique, adjusting my stroke for maximum efficiency. Irene is off tonight, it was wonderful to have her join us in the water. And she's a real fish! She easily beat me every time, not even close. But I'll get her, maybe. Just maybe someday! It was a wonderful workout and some fun times together.
I have to say, this losing weight thing is incredible. If you're having trouble getting started, I hope you'll go back and read my early days. It certainly wasn't always this easy out there at the trail and I wouldn't even get in a pool at 505 lbs, I mean really. Getting started in a rock solid way can be the biggest hump to overcome. But once you start getting some results for your consistent efforts, it will propel you to such a wonderful place. I can say without a doubt, I haven't felt this good physically since I was 15 years old. My whole world is changing for the better! It is absolutely amazing.
I've put a goatee picture taken tonight below and also a “before” picture just for the sake of comparison. I sincerely appreciate you reading my blog everyday. It's been a wonderful journey so far and it's only the beginning really. Oh yeah, it gets much better from here! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Just finished swimming, pardon the swim hair!
Just for the sake of "Before" and "In-Progress" comparison
Is Something Burning? and Turf N Surf Workout
If you read Day 286, then you know how my day started. Good news: The stations are back on the air. Everything isn't 100% just yet, but we have a really good engineer, he'll get us there in a very short amount of time! Lightning is incredibly destructive and very strange. It can totally destroy one thing and leave something next to it untouched. It goes with the territory I guess. Anytime you have a 300 foot tower pointing straight up into the Oklahoma sky, you're bound to get some lightning damage sometime. I think the last time we were hit this bad was in April 2004, so really we've been very fortunate.
I marinated some chicken all night long and was so excited about getting the chance to throw it on the grill. We were going to have it for lunch and then head to Stillwater to celebrate my Aunt Kelli's birthday, but with the circumstances surrounding the station, we decided to cancel our little trip and stay close to home. So we decided to grill the chicken for dinner. I fired up the grill and put the sweetest smelling chicken ever on the racks, it was going to be perfect! Then I went inside and did some other things. Too many other things. When I returned, the grill thermometer was reading over 700 degrees and the neighborhood was filling with smoke. I opened the grill and discovered the chicken ablaze and burnt badly. I was a little worried that maybe it didn't get done all the way, you know, burnt on the outside...raw in the middle. A quick check confirmed my suspicions. So I grabbed the pieces and placed them on the higher rack away from the direct heat. They finally were done after a little bit, but still black and crispy. And not the good kind of crispy, this was the bitter, burnt, nasty aftertaste in your mouth kind of ruined. I peeled off the black and then removed the salvageable meat from the bone of every piece. It wasn't how I planned on serving the chicken, but it worked, I guess. I wasn't just going to throw it away!
After dinner we contemplated our workout plans. There wasn't a threat of storms, so we were good. I thought we might complete our weekend 10K and then swim, but we decided on a more time friendly 5K and swimming. At the trail we really pushed it. I even jogged a record distance. I just kept going. I found a pace, concentrated on breathing properly, and did it, maybe a couple hundred yards or more. I can see that eventually I'll be able to run, like really run, without stopping. Just like the people I see out there occasionally. We did lap races at the pool. It was a major workout. Then I concentrated on my swimming technique, adjusting my stroke for maximum efficiency. Irene is off tonight, it was wonderful to have her join us in the water. And she's a real fish! She easily beat me every time, not even close. But I'll get her, maybe. Just maybe someday! It was a wonderful workout and some fun times together.
I have to say, this losing weight thing is incredible. If you're having trouble getting started, I hope you'll go back and read my early days. It certainly wasn't always this easy out there at the trail and I wouldn't even get in a pool at 505 lbs, I mean really. Getting started in a rock solid way can be the biggest hump to overcome. But once you start getting some results for your consistent efforts, it will propel you to such a wonderful place. I can say without a doubt, I haven't felt this good physically since I was 15 years old. My whole world is changing for the better! It is absolutely amazing.
I've put a goatee picture taken tonight below and also a “before” picture just for the sake of comparison. I sincerely appreciate you reading my blog everyday. It's been a wonderful journey so far and it's only the beginning really. Oh yeah, it gets much better from here! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Just finished swimming, pardon the swim hair!
Just for the sake of "Before" and "In-Progress" comparison
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Day 286 Pardon The Interruption and Maneuvering Mexican Dining
Day 286
Pardon The Interruption and Maneuvering Mexican Dining
I know the date says Saturday the 27th. But it’s Sunday morning, I promise you! Last night’s severe weather broadcast coverage put me out extremely late. By the time I got home and in front of the computer it was almost two am. And then the power started doing strange things. It must have “flashed” five or six times, like it was trying to recover from a lightning hit, it wasn’t good. I decided the best course of action was to turn the computer and monitor completely off and go to sleep, then get up early and write the Saturday edition of this blog. So that’s what I did. Well, that’s what I planned to do. I set the alarm early, because I had things to do, but those things will have to wait. You see, I woke up on my own because when the alarm went off there was nothing. I set my alarm to the radio station where I work. Nothing. So I grabbed my phone and called the transmitter remote control from the comfort of my bed. With a few code numbers I could make the station come back on the air, but after over 30 failed attempts, I decided that I needed to investigate further at the studios. I think we may have taken a direct lightning strike. The phone lines will not work, both stations are silent, and we’ve sent up the Bat Signal for our engineer to head this way asap for a OAS (Off-Air Situation)—I just made that OAS thing up, but it sounds pretty technical and cool. With another station employee headed to the transmitter sight to check on damage there, and the engineer en-route, all I can do at this point is sit here and wait…and finally write this Saturday edition of my blog. We must have internet service made of titanium alloy out here, because with everything else fried, the internet still works. Our service provider should use that last line as an advertising testimonial. After nearly 21 years in broadcasting (since age 16), the one sound that I’ll never get use to is the sound of silence. Dead air drives me nuts. But here I sit, completely powerless over the situation. Maybe I should have studied electrical engineering instead of on-air programming, nah…not as fun. Well, since this first paragraph was all about my Sunday so far, let’s back up a little and talk about Saturday.
Saturday was a good day calorie wise, even though it had the potential to be a disaster. Let me explain: We decided to go out and celebrate Irene’s big promotion with a nice dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. There are so many calorie pitfalls at this place, you really have to be on your game going in. My plan was simple. I would limit the number of chips to 10 and order something chicken based without it being drenched in queso or sour cream. I ordered two chicken burritos from the ala carte menu with an extra plate. That would be dinner for Courtney and me. They were loaded with chicken and wrapped in a very large flour tortilla. I had to guesstimate very carefully. I decided on 450 for each. I arrived at that number considering that the tortilla was easily a 200 calorie item alone. Since the only other ingredients were veggies and chicken and it was topped with garden fresh salsa instead of queso, 450 made sense. Still, I knew that with my small serving of chips and salsa (200), I was headed over my personal guideline of keeping the calories at any one meal at or below 500. In this situation, I allowed for it, as long as I didn’t go over my daily limit of 1,500 calories. My drink was lemonade…zero calorie free lemonade! I always order water with extra lemon, typically free in most US restaurants, then I squeeze the lemon juice into the water and add a packet of Splenda sweetener. Wonderful taste and zero added calories, I like it! Amber and Irene split an order of two burritos as well, and we were on our way to successfully enjoying a wonderful celebratory dinner without anyone breaking their calorie budget. Another bonus is how we felt when we left…satisfied and proud, not stuffed and miserable. Had we approached this restaurant with our old habits and without a care, we would have each consumed an estimated 2,000 extra calories in: beans, rice, sour cream, queso, and some fried sopapias with honey for desert. Nobody felt deprived, we all enjoyed each other’s company, we enjoyed our meal, we celebrated and we conquered a Mexican restaurant. This is what I mean when I talk about personal responsibility and good choices. The restaurants are not the bad guys. It’s always up to us to make good choices anywhere we dine. It can be done.
What suffered horribly Saturday was our workout plans. The plan was simple. Dinner first, Irene off to work, the girls and I walk a 10K and then swim at Dylan’s pool. Then the storms started to roll and the weather warnings started shouting for me to head south to the studios to anchor weather coverage. I love thunderstorms, I do. But sometimes I like to enjoy them from the perspective of my front porch, instead of in a studio on the air. Luckily we have a roster of anchors and occasionally I get to stay home and do whatever I was planning. Last night was not one of those nights! And it’s not like we could have walked through the tree lined park or swam in the middle of an Oklahoma electrical light show anyway. Situations like these are not excuses, they’re circumstances. How do we overcome them? We make alternative indoor workout plans. Jump roping in the garage, Sweatin’ To The Oldies, jumping jacks…anything to get that workout done. The girls did, I sadly did not. At after 2am, I decided I would drop in bed instead. Choices. Could I have worked out for even twenty minutes inside the safety and comfort of our home? Of course, I probably spent that much time lying in bed trying to go to sleep. But I chose not to workout, leaning heavily on the circumstances surrounding the evening to excuse myself from feeling bad. But you know me. I’m a no excuses kind of guy. My conscience wasn’t getting off that easily. We’ve walked in the freezing November rain before, the sleet, the snow…We’ve completed a 10 K walk at 2am more than once. So I know that I let the frustrations of the evening complicate and interrupt my resolve just enough to send me to bed instead of to the garage for some cardio. It’s behind me now.
Today (Sunday) the forecast is clear and so is the slate. I bet we do some massive working out today! Thank you for reading, and for those that have told me that this blog is a part of their morning routine, my apologies that it wasn’t available for you this morning!! Good day and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Pardon The Interruption and Maneuvering Mexican Dining
I know the date says Saturday the 27th. But it’s Sunday morning, I promise you! Last night’s severe weather broadcast coverage put me out extremely late. By the time I got home and in front of the computer it was almost two am. And then the power started doing strange things. It must have “flashed” five or six times, like it was trying to recover from a lightning hit, it wasn’t good. I decided the best course of action was to turn the computer and monitor completely off and go to sleep, then get up early and write the Saturday edition of this blog. So that’s what I did. Well, that’s what I planned to do. I set the alarm early, because I had things to do, but those things will have to wait. You see, I woke up on my own because when the alarm went off there was nothing. I set my alarm to the radio station where I work. Nothing. So I grabbed my phone and called the transmitter remote control from the comfort of my bed. With a few code numbers I could make the station come back on the air, but after over 30 failed attempts, I decided that I needed to investigate further at the studios. I think we may have taken a direct lightning strike. The phone lines will not work, both stations are silent, and we’ve sent up the Bat Signal for our engineer to head this way asap for a OAS (Off-Air Situation)—I just made that OAS thing up, but it sounds pretty technical and cool. With another station employee headed to the transmitter sight to check on damage there, and the engineer en-route, all I can do at this point is sit here and wait…and finally write this Saturday edition of my blog. We must have internet service made of titanium alloy out here, because with everything else fried, the internet still works. Our service provider should use that last line as an advertising testimonial. After nearly 21 years in broadcasting (since age 16), the one sound that I’ll never get use to is the sound of silence. Dead air drives me nuts. But here I sit, completely powerless over the situation. Maybe I should have studied electrical engineering instead of on-air programming, nah…not as fun. Well, since this first paragraph was all about my Sunday so far, let’s back up a little and talk about Saturday.
Saturday was a good day calorie wise, even though it had the potential to be a disaster. Let me explain: We decided to go out and celebrate Irene’s big promotion with a nice dinner at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. There are so many calorie pitfalls at this place, you really have to be on your game going in. My plan was simple. I would limit the number of chips to 10 and order something chicken based without it being drenched in queso or sour cream. I ordered two chicken burritos from the ala carte menu with an extra plate. That would be dinner for Courtney and me. They were loaded with chicken and wrapped in a very large flour tortilla. I had to guesstimate very carefully. I decided on 450 for each. I arrived at that number considering that the tortilla was easily a 200 calorie item alone. Since the only other ingredients were veggies and chicken and it was topped with garden fresh salsa instead of queso, 450 made sense. Still, I knew that with my small serving of chips and salsa (200), I was headed over my personal guideline of keeping the calories at any one meal at or below 500. In this situation, I allowed for it, as long as I didn’t go over my daily limit of 1,500 calories. My drink was lemonade…zero calorie free lemonade! I always order water with extra lemon, typically free in most US restaurants, then I squeeze the lemon juice into the water and add a packet of Splenda sweetener. Wonderful taste and zero added calories, I like it! Amber and Irene split an order of two burritos as well, and we were on our way to successfully enjoying a wonderful celebratory dinner without anyone breaking their calorie budget. Another bonus is how we felt when we left…satisfied and proud, not stuffed and miserable. Had we approached this restaurant with our old habits and without a care, we would have each consumed an estimated 2,000 extra calories in: beans, rice, sour cream, queso, and some fried sopapias with honey for desert. Nobody felt deprived, we all enjoyed each other’s company, we enjoyed our meal, we celebrated and we conquered a Mexican restaurant. This is what I mean when I talk about personal responsibility and good choices. The restaurants are not the bad guys. It’s always up to us to make good choices anywhere we dine. It can be done.
What suffered horribly Saturday was our workout plans. The plan was simple. Dinner first, Irene off to work, the girls and I walk a 10K and then swim at Dylan’s pool. Then the storms started to roll and the weather warnings started shouting for me to head south to the studios to anchor weather coverage. I love thunderstorms, I do. But sometimes I like to enjoy them from the perspective of my front porch, instead of in a studio on the air. Luckily we have a roster of anchors and occasionally I get to stay home and do whatever I was planning. Last night was not one of those nights! And it’s not like we could have walked through the tree lined park or swam in the middle of an Oklahoma electrical light show anyway. Situations like these are not excuses, they’re circumstances. How do we overcome them? We make alternative indoor workout plans. Jump roping in the garage, Sweatin’ To The Oldies, jumping jacks…anything to get that workout done. The girls did, I sadly did not. At after 2am, I decided I would drop in bed instead. Choices. Could I have worked out for even twenty minutes inside the safety and comfort of our home? Of course, I probably spent that much time lying in bed trying to go to sleep. But I chose not to workout, leaning heavily on the circumstances surrounding the evening to excuse myself from feeling bad. But you know me. I’m a no excuses kind of guy. My conscience wasn’t getting off that easily. We’ve walked in the freezing November rain before, the sleet, the snow…We’ve completed a 10 K walk at 2am more than once. So I know that I let the frustrations of the evening complicate and interrupt my resolve just enough to send me to bed instead of to the garage for some cardio. It’s behind me now.
Today (Sunday) the forecast is clear and so is the slate. I bet we do some massive working out today! Thank you for reading, and for those that have told me that this blog is a part of their morning routine, my apologies that it wasn’t available for you this morning!! Good day and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Day 285 I Like The Hair and A Confident Irene Lands a Wonderful Promotion
Day 285
I Like The Hair and A Confident Irene Lands a Wonderful Promotion
Now that I'm giving this goatee thingy a try, I'm noticing goatees everywhere. I must have noticed thirty different guys today all sporting goatees. Some were neat and trim, others messy, and some rather creative. I feel like I'm in the goatee club. I made eye contact a couple of times, as if to say, “hey...nice goatee, ya know I have one too!” It's funny, I never really noticed the goatee abundance before now. I'm not guaranteeing I'll keep this one on my face, but I will give it a chance to develop a little more. And I promise to post a better-brighter picture by Sunday evening. We'll call it “Goatee Watch 2009.” It's kind of fun to mess around with my appearance now that I sort of like what I see in the mirror, ya know? The people that cut my hair...OK, that sounds like I have a team of hair people. Only one person at a time cuts my hair, but depending on who's available, it might be someone else. I have my favorite and I'm pretty sure she knows who she is! She just knows how I like it cut. I don't have to say a word. I just sit down and snippity snip snip...she's done. Anyway...She suggested that once I get below 300, I should allow her to just do whatever she thinks will look good. I don't know about that! That might be scary. I don't know if I can trust her that much! My hair has always been something I like about myself. My hair and my eyes. That's it. So I'm pretty much over protective of my hair. But I'm also hooked on a certain style that has been with me for years. Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and see what happens. I don't want a buzz cut, I know that for sure! I like my thick hair. I'll see what happens. I'll tell you one thing, the only way I'm even able to contemplate changing my hair is because of this new kind of confidence I'm carrying these days. I also need a brow wax again. Yep, the “brow bird” grew a new head! I can make him fly!
Irene called earlier with amazing news! She was just given a huge promotion at her job! She interviewed for the open position the other day, in what she described as the most intense thorough interview she's ever experienced. She really stressed over who she knew was also applying and interviewing. And today, out of all the candidates, she was the one chosen! My baby rocks! She works really hard and deserves this promotion. The weight she's lost has really given her an awesome confidence that surely showed in front of the big wigs where she works. Now she gets the responsibility and benefits reserved for “upper management!” I like the way that sounds! She'll do an amazing job, she's a real no nonsense kind of person. She doesn't subscribe to drama in the workplace, nor does she tolerate it. She's there to do a great job, get it done right, take pride in it, and feel good about it. Certainly qualities that her superiors have noticed. I'm so proud of her, it's hard to put into words. I've always believed in her like she believes in me, I feel like she really needed this to give her that extra boost to really believe in herself. I'm a very lucky man.
Food and calorie budgeting were really good today. I found some all beef fat free hot dogs that check in at only 40 calories each! Now just to be clear, my philosophy has been clearly explained before in these writings, about how I feel when it comes to fat free products: I'd rather have a little of the full fat version than a bunch of the fat free version. Let's be honest, fat taste great! But when it comes to grilling dogs and burgers, the less fat the lower the calories, and that works better for our calorie budgets. The leanest hamburger still taste great off the grill, but hot dogs---well, I just didn't know. But I was willing to give them a fair shake. A regular hot dog with bun, depending on brands, can have anywhere from 230 to a whopping 320 calories! But a fat free dog on a bun with mustard checks in at a very nice 150. Big difference. I had a lean burger with onions and mustard and a hot dog with mustard and stayed within my calorie budget easily. It was a whole lot more bread than I normally eat, but hey, we were cooking out dogs and burgers, there's going to be buns! We have cut down tremendously on bread. Of course, with our philosophy, nothing is off limits...however, we decide on our choices based on calorie values, if it's not a good value, we choose something else, or a lighter version, or a considerably smaller portion. With this way of thinking and deciding, we've naturally cut out most breads, sweets, and a variety of empty calories that we always consumed before without a care. We also consume much less cheese. I've split one cheese slice four ways before...yep, 15 calorie squares of American, and nobody complained. I even had enough calories remaining to enjoy a junior frozen yogurt soft serve from Braums Ice Cream and Dairy Store. It was a wonderful day!
It has been a busy day and that's why we've pushed our workout back until now. We also had a forecast high of 104 today, and we're not working out in the heat. We allowed scheduling circumstances to keep us from the YMCA this evening, so the trail, a Sweatin' DVD, and jump rope are the options we have tonight. I think Courtney is insisting we hit the trail. I'll go see. Good thing she's insistent, because on nights like these---I think I would decide to sleep instead, if not for her constant “let's go!” You talk about a teenage girl that is taking charge! Thanks for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
I Like The Hair and A Confident Irene Lands a Wonderful Promotion
Now that I'm giving this goatee thingy a try, I'm noticing goatees everywhere. I must have noticed thirty different guys today all sporting goatees. Some were neat and trim, others messy, and some rather creative. I feel like I'm in the goatee club. I made eye contact a couple of times, as if to say, “hey...nice goatee, ya know I have one too!” It's funny, I never really noticed the goatee abundance before now. I'm not guaranteeing I'll keep this one on my face, but I will give it a chance to develop a little more. And I promise to post a better-brighter picture by Sunday evening. We'll call it “Goatee Watch 2009.” It's kind of fun to mess around with my appearance now that I sort of like what I see in the mirror, ya know? The people that cut my hair...OK, that sounds like I have a team of hair people. Only one person at a time cuts my hair, but depending on who's available, it might be someone else. I have my favorite and I'm pretty sure she knows who she is! She just knows how I like it cut. I don't have to say a word. I just sit down and snippity snip snip...she's done. Anyway...She suggested that once I get below 300, I should allow her to just do whatever she thinks will look good. I don't know about that! That might be scary. I don't know if I can trust her that much! My hair has always been something I like about myself. My hair and my eyes. That's it. So I'm pretty much over protective of my hair. But I'm also hooked on a certain style that has been with me for years. Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and see what happens. I don't want a buzz cut, I know that for sure! I like my thick hair. I'll see what happens. I'll tell you one thing, the only way I'm even able to contemplate changing my hair is because of this new kind of confidence I'm carrying these days. I also need a brow wax again. Yep, the “brow bird” grew a new head! I can make him fly!
Irene called earlier with amazing news! She was just given a huge promotion at her job! She interviewed for the open position the other day, in what she described as the most intense thorough interview she's ever experienced. She really stressed over who she knew was also applying and interviewing. And today, out of all the candidates, she was the one chosen! My baby rocks! She works really hard and deserves this promotion. The weight she's lost has really given her an awesome confidence that surely showed in front of the big wigs where she works. Now she gets the responsibility and benefits reserved for “upper management!” I like the way that sounds! She'll do an amazing job, she's a real no nonsense kind of person. She doesn't subscribe to drama in the workplace, nor does she tolerate it. She's there to do a great job, get it done right, take pride in it, and feel good about it. Certainly qualities that her superiors have noticed. I'm so proud of her, it's hard to put into words. I've always believed in her like she believes in me, I feel like she really needed this to give her that extra boost to really believe in herself. I'm a very lucky man.
Food and calorie budgeting were really good today. I found some all beef fat free hot dogs that check in at only 40 calories each! Now just to be clear, my philosophy has been clearly explained before in these writings, about how I feel when it comes to fat free products: I'd rather have a little of the full fat version than a bunch of the fat free version. Let's be honest, fat taste great! But when it comes to grilling dogs and burgers, the less fat the lower the calories, and that works better for our calorie budgets. The leanest hamburger still taste great off the grill, but hot dogs---well, I just didn't know. But I was willing to give them a fair shake. A regular hot dog with bun, depending on brands, can have anywhere from 230 to a whopping 320 calories! But a fat free dog on a bun with mustard checks in at a very nice 150. Big difference. I had a lean burger with onions and mustard and a hot dog with mustard and stayed within my calorie budget easily. It was a whole lot more bread than I normally eat, but hey, we were cooking out dogs and burgers, there's going to be buns! We have cut down tremendously on bread. Of course, with our philosophy, nothing is off limits...however, we decide on our choices based on calorie values, if it's not a good value, we choose something else, or a lighter version, or a considerably smaller portion. With this way of thinking and deciding, we've naturally cut out most breads, sweets, and a variety of empty calories that we always consumed before without a care. We also consume much less cheese. I've split one cheese slice four ways before...yep, 15 calorie squares of American, and nobody complained. I even had enough calories remaining to enjoy a junior frozen yogurt soft serve from Braums Ice Cream and Dairy Store. It was a wonderful day!
It has been a busy day and that's why we've pushed our workout back until now. We also had a forecast high of 104 today, and we're not working out in the heat. We allowed scheduling circumstances to keep us from the YMCA this evening, so the trail, a Sweatin' DVD, and jump rope are the options we have tonight. I think Courtney is insisting we hit the trail. I'll go see. Good thing she's insistent, because on nights like these---I think I would decide to sleep instead, if not for her constant “let's go!” You talk about a teenage girl that is taking charge! Thanks for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Friday, June 26, 2009
Day 284 The Line Of Least Resistance and The Excuses That Keep Us There
Day 284
The Line Of Least Resistance and The Excuses That Keep Us There
I can't tell you how many times I've heard: “I don't know how you do it,” or “I wish I had will power like that,” and several variations of the same. When somebody says something like that, I completely understand where they are mentally. I lived in that place. I also think to myself oh my, if they could only have seen me at my absolute most out of control state, perhaps they would understand that this isn't a club where they can't join. I can't go back, so I have to rely on telling stories about how bad it became. I knew that I had some seriously bad food behaviors, but the scary thing wasn't necessarily those things, it was the feeling of I may never be able to control this and survive, I just can't do it. Or so I thought. I not only thought it, I convinced myself that my inability to “get with it” was incurable. I was so lost my friend. I didn't want to hear “it's a lifestyle change.” Because the word “change” meant I might actually have to put forth some effort. I was right at home at the line of least resistance. I lived there. Oh it was fabulous! The line of least resistance was so easy. You get to eat as much as your body can physically hold and if you have to move, you're either on your way to bed, on the way to the fridge, on the way to a fast food drive thru, or somebody is chasing you. The fear of letting that indulgent lifestyle go was often too much to handle. So I would make excuses, rationalizations to make myself feel better. “Well, I'm addicted, what can I do?” I just wrote a long comment on another blog about the topic of “food addiction.” It is real. But it is beatable. How? I had to let go of the idea that I was a “victim.” I had to get super honest about my excuses and rationalizations that kept me fat. Have you ever known someone who's been on a plan for years or a member of a support group for years, but still they're significantly overweight? Why? Why isn't it working? Based on my own experience, I would say it's because they haven't completely let go of their addiction to making themselves feel better about their addiction. Make sense? I was always way too easy on myself. “I'm too stressed,” “I'm too busy,” “I've worked hard, I deserve to cut loose,” “I actually like being fat,” (I recently heard that last one from a friend and co-worker of my wife) “I'll eat all this tonight, but tomorrow I'm right back on track,”---all of these are invalid excuses and rationalizations. Saying things like that will keep us firmly at the line of least resistance. The 100% honesty within me had to identify anything and everything that threatened my success. If it's a thought or action that is counterproductive or potentially damaging to my weight loss goals, I have to stop for a second and evaluate it, then kick it to the curb as I call it what it is...nonsense! I'm completely finished with excuses and rationalizations that kept me at over 500 pounds for so long. Those days are over. I no longer drink a soda pop because “I haven't had one in so long,” and I no longer eat my weight in fried mushrooms and pizza because “I've done so well, I deserve a reward.” I no longer lie to myself about my motives with food, “I can't start in doing good until after the birthday party next week, you know they'll have cake and ice cream.” What that really means is “I just found another reason to allow myself to continue eating whatever and how-much-ever I want for another week!” The frustration and the years of tears and struggles are over, all because I decided to empower myself to change, and I did it with a radar continually watching for excuses that make me feel better about making bad choices. Do I still have stress? Yes! Do I still have an extremely busy schedule? Yes! Once these two big excuses were rendered unacceptable, I started moving toward these dramatic changes. You can't say, “Oh Sean—you make it sound so easy---you're just a different breed.” (that's a quote that somebody said to me the other day) NO I'M NOT! I'm just a guy that had to break this down into a very simple approach. I had to get very real and very honest with myself. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had to stop being the victim. It's not an impossible thing for anyone. You have to believe me, I'm proof.
My calorie budgeting skills were slightly off today. By 7pm, I had exactly 40 calories left for the evening. Very unusual, but it was fine. I still haven't used those 40, which really goes against my “every three hours” approach to metabolism control. I will budget better! How can I ever feel hungry or deprived when I normally eat something every three hours? I'm eating all the time! This isn't deprivation, it's moderation.
I'm really looking forward to a nice weekend. Next weekend is going to be crazy busy in my line of work. I'll tell you more about that later! I better hit the hay. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
The Line Of Least Resistance and The Excuses That Keep Us There
I can't tell you how many times I've heard: “I don't know how you do it,” or “I wish I had will power like that,” and several variations of the same. When somebody says something like that, I completely understand where they are mentally. I lived in that place. I also think to myself oh my, if they could only have seen me at my absolute most out of control state, perhaps they would understand that this isn't a club where they can't join. I can't go back, so I have to rely on telling stories about how bad it became. I knew that I had some seriously bad food behaviors, but the scary thing wasn't necessarily those things, it was the feeling of I may never be able to control this and survive, I just can't do it. Or so I thought. I not only thought it, I convinced myself that my inability to “get with it” was incurable. I was so lost my friend. I didn't want to hear “it's a lifestyle change.” Because the word “change” meant I might actually have to put forth some effort. I was right at home at the line of least resistance. I lived there. Oh it was fabulous! The line of least resistance was so easy. You get to eat as much as your body can physically hold and if you have to move, you're either on your way to bed, on the way to the fridge, on the way to a fast food drive thru, or somebody is chasing you. The fear of letting that indulgent lifestyle go was often too much to handle. So I would make excuses, rationalizations to make myself feel better. “Well, I'm addicted, what can I do?” I just wrote a long comment on another blog about the topic of “food addiction.” It is real. But it is beatable. How? I had to let go of the idea that I was a “victim.” I had to get super honest about my excuses and rationalizations that kept me fat. Have you ever known someone who's been on a plan for years or a member of a support group for years, but still they're significantly overweight? Why? Why isn't it working? Based on my own experience, I would say it's because they haven't completely let go of their addiction to making themselves feel better about their addiction. Make sense? I was always way too easy on myself. “I'm too stressed,” “I'm too busy,” “I've worked hard, I deserve to cut loose,” “I actually like being fat,” (I recently heard that last one from a friend and co-worker of my wife) “I'll eat all this tonight, but tomorrow I'm right back on track,”---all of these are invalid excuses and rationalizations. Saying things like that will keep us firmly at the line of least resistance. The 100% honesty within me had to identify anything and everything that threatened my success. If it's a thought or action that is counterproductive or potentially damaging to my weight loss goals, I have to stop for a second and evaluate it, then kick it to the curb as I call it what it is...nonsense! I'm completely finished with excuses and rationalizations that kept me at over 500 pounds for so long. Those days are over. I no longer drink a soda pop because “I haven't had one in so long,” and I no longer eat my weight in fried mushrooms and pizza because “I've done so well, I deserve a reward.” I no longer lie to myself about my motives with food, “I can't start in doing good until after the birthday party next week, you know they'll have cake and ice cream.” What that really means is “I just found another reason to allow myself to continue eating whatever and how-much-ever I want for another week!” The frustration and the years of tears and struggles are over, all because I decided to empower myself to change, and I did it with a radar continually watching for excuses that make me feel better about making bad choices. Do I still have stress? Yes! Do I still have an extremely busy schedule? Yes! Once these two big excuses were rendered unacceptable, I started moving toward these dramatic changes. You can't say, “Oh Sean—you make it sound so easy---you're just a different breed.” (that's a quote that somebody said to me the other day) NO I'M NOT! I'm just a guy that had to break this down into a very simple approach. I had to get very real and very honest with myself. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had to stop being the victim. It's not an impossible thing for anyone. You have to believe me, I'm proof.
My calorie budgeting skills were slightly off today. By 7pm, I had exactly 40 calories left for the evening. Very unusual, but it was fine. I still haven't used those 40, which really goes against my “every three hours” approach to metabolism control. I will budget better! How can I ever feel hungry or deprived when I normally eat something every three hours? I'm eating all the time! This isn't deprivation, it's moderation.
I'm really looking forward to a nice weekend. Next weekend is going to be crazy busy in my line of work. I'll tell you more about that later! I better hit the hay. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Day 283 "Who Are You?" and Weigh Day Numbers That Rock!
Day 283
“Who Are You?” and Weigh Day Numbers That Rock!
Today has been a much better day. I felt completely on, I was back, and I still had the goatee. I've decided to give it a chance. And no, that wasn't a one day growth, more like three or four days. I didn't have any personal appearances (remote broadcast) over the weekend, plus we were out of shaving cream and razors, so I just didn't shave. I'm kind of curious what this will look like in a week or two. Interesting, very interesting!
Grilling chicken is one of my favorite things to do these days. It seems we have grilled chicken breast at least three times a week. We love it! And the calories and protein are just fantastic! It's good food and when I found some chicken breast on sale today, I couldn't resist, that's what we were having for dinner. The butcher commented on my weight loss too. He told me that he's noticed before now, but just couldn't resist mentioning it to me today. That felt good!
After dinner, we decided to get moving to the YMCA for a great workout. I moved like a maniac in the racquetball court and then took my body to the basketball gym. I walked into the gym and found a young man shooting around by himself. I motioned for a little one on one, and he immediately accepted. I knew that he would beat me horribly, but I was going to get an amazing workout trying to keep up with this high school ball player. Turns out the kid is a college prospect. He beat me horribly with his ferocious three point shot. I did score one three pointer and one basket fairly close. That's a victory enough for me. And I was beat physically. A couple of times I wanted to say “timeout” because I was spent, but I didn't. I just took some deep breaths, gathered my composure, and went back after him. Then he would easily score again. It was still fun. Amber and Courtney were in the fitness center giving it everything on the ellipticals. By the time they made into the gym, it was closing time at the Y. Courtney and I did a quick passing drill to work the arms and we were out the door. Our workout plan tonight was a two tiered plan. We left the YMCA completely drenched in sweat, totally beat...then went home to change for a good swim. Dylan, Courtney's best friend, has a swimming pool in his backyard...and his grandparents have said we can swim anytime we want. Swimming is such a fantastic workout, and we're very grateful for their generosity. I received one of the best compliments so far on this journey tonight. You see, the last time Dylan's grandmother laid eyes on me, I was over 500 pounds. Tonight we made our way into the back yard and before we could get in, she came out to greet us. She was on the phone, so I stood there and waited for her to finish her conversation. She kept looking at me strangely, like something was wrong. It was dusk, maybe she didn't get a good look at me, even though I was right before her eyes. She asked me “who are you?” and I replied “I'm Courtney's Dad, Sean” She just couldn't believe it! She thought I was some stray friend that Courtney and Amber brought over I guess. “Who are you?” I love it! She was expecting that 500 pound guy, not this. That made my day and night!
Today was weigh day! And everybody here lost weight again! It was a wonderful weigh day indeed! Amber lost 4 pounds, Courtney 6 pounds, Irene lost 3 more pounds, and I lost 7 pounds! I weighed in at 322! 322!!! We're just 17 pounds from the 200 pounds lost mark. I've officially lost a total of 183 pounds so far. 183 pounds gone! No wonder Dylan's grandmother asked me “who are you?” I know who I am...I'm that guy I always knew I could be!
I talked to motivational/inspirational speaker Scott Q. Marcus today. We had a wonderful phone conversation about motivational speaking and developing a program. He has some wonderful advice and he's so kind and generous to give me so much of his time today. I'm going to learn a lot from him. It was a wonderful conversation.
What a difference a day makes, huh? Yesterday I felt “off,” and today we had wonderful food choices, super exercise choices, incredible weigh day numbers, a wonderful talk with someone I would consider a mentor, plus the whole “Who are you?” question. Wow. I'm headed to bed now. It just doesn't get any better than this! Thanks for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
“Who Are You?” and Weigh Day Numbers That Rock!
Today has been a much better day. I felt completely on, I was back, and I still had the goatee. I've decided to give it a chance. And no, that wasn't a one day growth, more like three or four days. I didn't have any personal appearances (remote broadcast) over the weekend, plus we were out of shaving cream and razors, so I just didn't shave. I'm kind of curious what this will look like in a week or two. Interesting, very interesting!
Grilling chicken is one of my favorite things to do these days. It seems we have grilled chicken breast at least three times a week. We love it! And the calories and protein are just fantastic! It's good food and when I found some chicken breast on sale today, I couldn't resist, that's what we were having for dinner. The butcher commented on my weight loss too. He told me that he's noticed before now, but just couldn't resist mentioning it to me today. That felt good!
After dinner, we decided to get moving to the YMCA for a great workout. I moved like a maniac in the racquetball court and then took my body to the basketball gym. I walked into the gym and found a young man shooting around by himself. I motioned for a little one on one, and he immediately accepted. I knew that he would beat me horribly, but I was going to get an amazing workout trying to keep up with this high school ball player. Turns out the kid is a college prospect. He beat me horribly with his ferocious three point shot. I did score one three pointer and one basket fairly close. That's a victory enough for me. And I was beat physically. A couple of times I wanted to say “timeout” because I was spent, but I didn't. I just took some deep breaths, gathered my composure, and went back after him. Then he would easily score again. It was still fun. Amber and Courtney were in the fitness center giving it everything on the ellipticals. By the time they made into the gym, it was closing time at the Y. Courtney and I did a quick passing drill to work the arms and we were out the door. Our workout plan tonight was a two tiered plan. We left the YMCA completely drenched in sweat, totally beat...then went home to change for a good swim. Dylan, Courtney's best friend, has a swimming pool in his backyard...and his grandparents have said we can swim anytime we want. Swimming is such a fantastic workout, and we're very grateful for their generosity. I received one of the best compliments so far on this journey tonight. You see, the last time Dylan's grandmother laid eyes on me, I was over 500 pounds. Tonight we made our way into the back yard and before we could get in, she came out to greet us. She was on the phone, so I stood there and waited for her to finish her conversation. She kept looking at me strangely, like something was wrong. It was dusk, maybe she didn't get a good look at me, even though I was right before her eyes. She asked me “who are you?” and I replied “I'm Courtney's Dad, Sean” She just couldn't believe it! She thought I was some stray friend that Courtney and Amber brought over I guess. “Who are you?” I love it! She was expecting that 500 pound guy, not this. That made my day and night!
Today was weigh day! And everybody here lost weight again! It was a wonderful weigh day indeed! Amber lost 4 pounds, Courtney 6 pounds, Irene lost 3 more pounds, and I lost 7 pounds! I weighed in at 322! 322!!! We're just 17 pounds from the 200 pounds lost mark. I've officially lost a total of 183 pounds so far. 183 pounds gone! No wonder Dylan's grandmother asked me “who are you?” I know who I am...I'm that guy I always knew I could be!
I talked to motivational/inspirational speaker Scott Q. Marcus today. We had a wonderful phone conversation about motivational speaking and developing a program. He has some wonderful advice and he's so kind and generous to give me so much of his time today. I'm going to learn a lot from him. It was a wonderful conversation.
What a difference a day makes, huh? Yesterday I felt “off,” and today we had wonderful food choices, super exercise choices, incredible weigh day numbers, a wonderful talk with someone I would consider a mentor, plus the whole “Who are you?” question. Wow. I'm headed to bed now. It just doesn't get any better than this! Thanks for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Day 282 Feeling Off-Staying On and Dreams Should Shine
Day 282
Feeling Off-Staying On and Dreams Should Shine
Most days are incredible; some days not so much. It's the normal ups and downs of life that test the strength of my steel-curtain zone. Today was a strange day, it's really hard to explain. It just didn't feel right, like something in the peaceful, forward progressing environment we've created, was off a little. The calorie budget is intact, but we haven't worked out yet, and lately that's unusual. Maybe I've watched and listened to too much news today. But I know one thing, I can't let myself get down over an unexplained emptiness, perhaps I need to go walk and then come back. Exercise always lifts my spirits, and that's saying something considering where I've been.
No, everyone is waiting on me to finish here before we hit the trail, so I'll write.
Before I shaved this morning, Irene suggested I try leaving a goatee on my face. I've never liked the way facial hair looks on me. But apparently she thinks it'll be handsome. So I gave it a try. Maybe that explains why I feel off! I'm not use to facial hair. You know there's a facial hair double standard, right? Seriously...when I weighed over 500 pounds and I would allow a little growth, it simply made me look like a kook. I looked like a dirty drunk fat hobo. But if Brad Pitt wears a little stubble, it's considered irresistible! Now, you can be overweight and still have good looking facial hair, but it must be neat and trimmed at all times, unless you're Tom Cruise, then it can be as messy as you like and still look fashionable. So I'm sporting a neatly trimmed goatee. Just for the moment. I'm shaving it soon. Irene will just have to do with the clean shaved look on me, like I've had forever. Maybe that was it! I think it was! Wow. I should go shave this thing right now. I look different enough these days without adding some uncharacteristic facial hair. The facial hair seems to grow faster now. Seriously, why is that? Is it because it has less distance to travel to the outside of my face? That just sounded incredibly crazy. I kid you not, my facial hair grows quicker now after losing 176 pounds. Strange stuff indeed. And as crazy as this sounds, I really think it's the facial hair that has me feeling all “off” today. Well, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that!
No...wait, no...still off a little. You know, at this point, even the “off” days aren't that bad. Maybe a little lost feeling or empty, but it's never something that last more than a day. I can chase away any downers by simply closing my eyes and imagining our future. I know that God willing, we'll have wonderful days and wonderful accomplishments ahead. We will. You know me, I dream big, really big! Always been a dreamer, yep that's me. But now it's different. Now it all seems possible. The dreams, they change, they evolve. I've changed, I've evolved just like my dreams. “Off” days are a great time to inventory all of the wonderful things we're thankful for. I believe I'll have that quiet moment before I go to sleep tonight. A moment to give thanks for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. It might take a while and that makes me smile. Do you dream? It makes perfect sense that those dreams can darken or become illuminated based entirely on how we feel about ourselves. How many dreams have been totally darkened by the constant shadow of obesity? Not anymore. Not ever again. I'm putting a spotlight on my dreams. What about you? Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Too dark of a pic---But anyway...The facial hair will be gone the next time you see me!
Feeling Off-Staying On and Dreams Should Shine
Most days are incredible; some days not so much. It's the normal ups and downs of life that test the strength of my steel-curtain zone. Today was a strange day, it's really hard to explain. It just didn't feel right, like something in the peaceful, forward progressing environment we've created, was off a little. The calorie budget is intact, but we haven't worked out yet, and lately that's unusual. Maybe I've watched and listened to too much news today. But I know one thing, I can't let myself get down over an unexplained emptiness, perhaps I need to go walk and then come back. Exercise always lifts my spirits, and that's saying something considering where I've been.
No, everyone is waiting on me to finish here before we hit the trail, so I'll write.
Before I shaved this morning, Irene suggested I try leaving a goatee on my face. I've never liked the way facial hair looks on me. But apparently she thinks it'll be handsome. So I gave it a try. Maybe that explains why I feel off! I'm not use to facial hair. You know there's a facial hair double standard, right? Seriously...when I weighed over 500 pounds and I would allow a little growth, it simply made me look like a kook. I looked like a dirty drunk fat hobo. But if Brad Pitt wears a little stubble, it's considered irresistible! Now, you can be overweight and still have good looking facial hair, but it must be neat and trimmed at all times, unless you're Tom Cruise, then it can be as messy as you like and still look fashionable. So I'm sporting a neatly trimmed goatee. Just for the moment. I'm shaving it soon. Irene will just have to do with the clean shaved look on me, like I've had forever. Maybe that was it! I think it was! Wow. I should go shave this thing right now. I look different enough these days without adding some uncharacteristic facial hair. The facial hair seems to grow faster now. Seriously, why is that? Is it because it has less distance to travel to the outside of my face? That just sounded incredibly crazy. I kid you not, my facial hair grows quicker now after losing 176 pounds. Strange stuff indeed. And as crazy as this sounds, I really think it's the facial hair that has me feeling all “off” today. Well, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that!
No...wait, no...still off a little. You know, at this point, even the “off” days aren't that bad. Maybe a little lost feeling or empty, but it's never something that last more than a day. I can chase away any downers by simply closing my eyes and imagining our future. I know that God willing, we'll have wonderful days and wonderful accomplishments ahead. We will. You know me, I dream big, really big! Always been a dreamer, yep that's me. But now it's different. Now it all seems possible. The dreams, they change, they evolve. I've changed, I've evolved just like my dreams. “Off” days are a great time to inventory all of the wonderful things we're thankful for. I believe I'll have that quiet moment before I go to sleep tonight. A moment to give thanks for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. It might take a while and that makes me smile. Do you dream? It makes perfect sense that those dreams can darken or become illuminated based entirely on how we feel about ourselves. How many dreams have been totally darkened by the constant shadow of obesity? Not anymore. Not ever again. I'm putting a spotlight on my dreams. What about you? Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Too dark of a pic---But anyway...The facial hair will be gone the next time you see me!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Day 281 A Fantastic Honor and We Inspire By Sharing
Day 281
A Fantastic Honor and We Inspire By Sharing
I was featured on www.getfitby40.blogspot.com as the “Blogger of The Week.” Ang has a wonderful blog going where she not only shares her success, but she shines a complimentary light on others frequently and even organizes wonderful challenges for all to have fun while losing weight. It was a fantastic honor to be chosen for this wonderful designation. Ang, you're a weight loss star! Thank you very much! I read the article and I clicked on the “girdle burning” hyperlink to read that day again. It was a link to Day 215 titled “She Set It On Fire Tonight.” In reading that day over, I couldn't help it, I cried. Courtney has made such amazing breakthroughs on this journey. Ang, thank you for including that link in the story, it was a very emotional situation.
While paying for gasoline at the local Stop N Go today, the cashier behind the counter was taken aback by my dramatic weight loss. I remember this happening at this convenience store once before with a different clerk. Me: “Uh, fifteen on pump six.” Her: “You look amazing! You've lost a bunch of weight! That's amazing! How did you do it?” Me: “Hunger strike, yeah...until McDonald's agrees to put calorie counts on the menu.” (Thanks for the idea Jack!) No really, I didn't say that, but one of these days I will! I actually said: “Oh, thank you very much, I feel like a different person... Her: (cutting me off) “You look like a different person...” Me: “I just eat less and exercise more.” Now you and I know that there's more to it than that, but I was in a hurry, the short answer was all I could do in that situation. Besides, she was busy working and certainly didn't have time for me to discuss the mental changes that have transformed my mind. After that wonderful run in, I ran into another person at Wal-Mart that stopped me to see what exactly was in my cart. At that point: shaving cream and razors. I think this was the same person who was right behind me in the Taco Bueno drive through one time and later told me that she was tempted to order “whatever he ordered.” I wonder if she rushed over and grabbed some razors and shaving cream. She too was very complimentary, just a wonderful lady! I asked how she was doing and she quickly reassured me that the stuff in her cart wasn't all for her, but she was actually staying the same lately, no loss-no gain. For one, I would never judge someone based on what they have in their shopping cart! I'm certainly not perfect so I really can't judge anyone's eating or shopping habits. I use to have the worst! I couldn't get through a shopping trip without opening and eating something while I shopped. It wasn't that I was hungry, it just looked soooo gooood and tasted so yummy---I couldn't resist. Being in control for the first time in my life feels fantastic. And to have run ins like these all the time, wow...I'm really lucky.
I received a spam e-mail today touting a miracle weight loss “cure.” Just out of curiosity I clicked on the link to the web page. Their big thing was “it curbs your hunger—so you don't eat.” I don't know about you, but I rarely would gorge because I was hungry. In fact I was never hungry. I wouldn't go long enough without food to ever become hungry. At my heaviest, I didn't need to be hungry to eat, I just needed the food to look good and be tasty. The bogus pitches spread by these ridiculous product manufacturers really make me upset. They prey on the people that are desperate and hopeless, the ones that are still looking for an easy way out. They do it with grandiose promises that can be all yours for only $49.95US! It's sickening really.
I'm blogging earlier in the evening to better manage my time. I prefer blogging later, because, well---there's still a bunch of day/evening left to talk about. But it does work better for my schedule. We're getting set to lace up and head off to the YMCA for a wonderful workout. Our bi-weekly weigh day is only two days away! Let's get in there and sweat!
One of the great things about our journeys, and I'm talking about you too here, is that we have the power to share our story with others and perhaps inspire them. When Ponca City Medical Center asked me to be a part of and speak at the “Lose To Win” seminars, it was nothing less than an epiphany for me. On the night of February 19th, 2009 I realized what I must do for the rest of my life. I spoke that night to a standing room only crowd of 417 people, all eager to lose weight. By the time the two month program concluded I had spoken three or four times and enjoyed every single opportunity to share. It was an honor to be a part of such a wonderful program. After the kick-off event, more than 300 more signed up within three days. And when the final totals came in, 74% stuck with their efforts and lost a combined total of 4,653.6 pounds! When I originally posted the videos below on Day 165, this blog didn't have very many readers. Since more people are reading these days, I thought I would post them again. To watch all four parts of this speaking engagement, it'll take you 36 minutes. If you have the time, I hope you enjoy. It was taped four months and 57 pounds ago. I was so proud to be wearing size 54 jeans at that time. Now I'm sporting size 46! I love this losing weight stuff!
Thank you for taking the time to read and in tonight's case, watch and listen. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
A Fantastic Honor and We Inspire By Sharing
I was featured on www.getfitby40.blogspot.com as the “Blogger of The Week.” Ang has a wonderful blog going where she not only shares her success, but she shines a complimentary light on others frequently and even organizes wonderful challenges for all to have fun while losing weight. It was a fantastic honor to be chosen for this wonderful designation. Ang, you're a weight loss star! Thank you very much! I read the article and I clicked on the “girdle burning” hyperlink to read that day again. It was a link to Day 215 titled “She Set It On Fire Tonight.” In reading that day over, I couldn't help it, I cried. Courtney has made such amazing breakthroughs on this journey. Ang, thank you for including that link in the story, it was a very emotional situation.
While paying for gasoline at the local Stop N Go today, the cashier behind the counter was taken aback by my dramatic weight loss. I remember this happening at this convenience store once before with a different clerk. Me: “Uh, fifteen on pump six.” Her: “You look amazing! You've lost a bunch of weight! That's amazing! How did you do it?” Me: “Hunger strike, yeah...until McDonald's agrees to put calorie counts on the menu.” (Thanks for the idea Jack!) No really, I didn't say that, but one of these days I will! I actually said: “Oh, thank you very much, I feel like a different person... Her: (cutting me off) “You look like a different person...” Me: “I just eat less and exercise more.” Now you and I know that there's more to it than that, but I was in a hurry, the short answer was all I could do in that situation. Besides, she was busy working and certainly didn't have time for me to discuss the mental changes that have transformed my mind. After that wonderful run in, I ran into another person at Wal-Mart that stopped me to see what exactly was in my cart. At that point: shaving cream and razors. I think this was the same person who was right behind me in the Taco Bueno drive through one time and later told me that she was tempted to order “whatever he ordered.” I wonder if she rushed over and grabbed some razors and shaving cream. She too was very complimentary, just a wonderful lady! I asked how she was doing and she quickly reassured me that the stuff in her cart wasn't all for her, but she was actually staying the same lately, no loss-no gain. For one, I would never judge someone based on what they have in their shopping cart! I'm certainly not perfect so I really can't judge anyone's eating or shopping habits. I use to have the worst! I couldn't get through a shopping trip without opening and eating something while I shopped. It wasn't that I was hungry, it just looked soooo gooood and tasted so yummy---I couldn't resist. Being in control for the first time in my life feels fantastic. And to have run ins like these all the time, wow...I'm really lucky.
I received a spam e-mail today touting a miracle weight loss “cure.” Just out of curiosity I clicked on the link to the web page. Their big thing was “it curbs your hunger—so you don't eat.” I don't know about you, but I rarely would gorge because I was hungry. In fact I was never hungry. I wouldn't go long enough without food to ever become hungry. At my heaviest, I didn't need to be hungry to eat, I just needed the food to look good and be tasty. The bogus pitches spread by these ridiculous product manufacturers really make me upset. They prey on the people that are desperate and hopeless, the ones that are still looking for an easy way out. They do it with grandiose promises that can be all yours for only $49.95US! It's sickening really.
I'm blogging earlier in the evening to better manage my time. I prefer blogging later, because, well---there's still a bunch of day/evening left to talk about. But it does work better for my schedule. We're getting set to lace up and head off to the YMCA for a wonderful workout. Our bi-weekly weigh day is only two days away! Let's get in there and sweat!
One of the great things about our journeys, and I'm talking about you too here, is that we have the power to share our story with others and perhaps inspire them. When Ponca City Medical Center asked me to be a part of and speak at the “Lose To Win” seminars, it was nothing less than an epiphany for me. On the night of February 19th, 2009 I realized what I must do for the rest of my life. I spoke that night to a standing room only crowd of 417 people, all eager to lose weight. By the time the two month program concluded I had spoken three or four times and enjoyed every single opportunity to share. It was an honor to be a part of such a wonderful program. After the kick-off event, more than 300 more signed up within three days. And when the final totals came in, 74% stuck with their efforts and lost a combined total of 4,653.6 pounds! When I originally posted the videos below on Day 165, this blog didn't have very many readers. Since more people are reading these days, I thought I would post them again. To watch all four parts of this speaking engagement, it'll take you 36 minutes. If you have the time, I hope you enjoy. It was taped four months and 57 pounds ago. I was so proud to be wearing size 54 jeans at that time. Now I'm sporting size 46! I love this losing weight stuff!
Thank you for taking the time to read and in tonight's case, watch and listen. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Day 280 Fathers Day Reflection and A Nice Evening Planned
Day 280
Fathers Day Reflection and A Nice Evening Planned
One of the important things I knew I had to accomplish along this journey was reconnecting with my father. I did late last year and it was a wonderful thing. I completely let go of the past resentments and along the way discovered the meaning of real forgiveness . The following is an excerpt from Day 106 titled “Physical and Emotional Health-Both Important”: Today I did something that's very important to my emotional growth. And although it may not seem like it would make a difference on this journey, it does. This journey is about getting a complete understanding of everything that has made me who I am. To be the best person I can be inside and out, I need to fill some voids that have been with me way too long. It's a very long story, and extremely personal, but I'll try to give a quick abbreviated version. The relationship between my Mom and Dad never survived long enough to see my birth on October 23rd 1971. My father was not a part of my life ever. As a kid, my mom would show me a picture of a man in uniform that “looked like” my dad. So at 19 I decided to find him. Armed with a couple of clues and a telephone, I found him within 45 minutes alive and well in Arab, Alabama. Any resentment and hard feelings over his absence in my life completely disappeared the moment he spoke. It was the most awkward moment of my life. What do you say to your father for the first time in your life at 19? I said “Whatever you do, don't hang up!” “I'm your son.” Well, he didn't hang up and we talked for a really long time that night. We exchanged pictures and phone calls several times over the course of a few months, then we planned a meeting. My first trip to Alabama was too much to handle. We turned around after coming within 150 miles of his house. It wasn't until a couple of years or more later that we made the trip. We spent two weeks in Alabama and met almost the entire family. It turned out I had an aunt living in Midwest City, so we also visited her family down there. It was a wonderful experience, but still I just wasn't emotionally ready to handle it in a positive way. After that trip, I completely fell out of touch, and haven't really pursued contact since. I've never met my two half brothers, and that's something that I really want and need to do. As for a relationship with my father? I'd really like to at least talk occasionally. I don't want to someday find his obituary on the internet, and realize I don't have another chance to know him in some way. Over the last several months my father and I have exchanged e-mails, phone calls, and he even occasionally reads this blog. I just had a wonderful thirty minute conversation with him this afternoon. His message to me was simple. He doesn't want me to live a life of regrets, he wants me to excel, and leave no stone unturned on my journey to a wonderful life. It's amazing how wonderful our very simple relationship is now, after letting go of the past. I'm learning that my dad is a very real, very good person, and like all of us, he's struggled with good and bad choices. He understands that choosing to not be a part of my life was a mistake. It's one that he regrets deeply, but we're past that now, and with the slate wiped clean with complete and total forgiveness, we can move forward to a mutually wonderful relationship. I never got a chance to meet Danny, my older half brother. Before we could reconnect, he died from aortic dissection, a condition caused by years of uncontrolled high blood pressure, he was 42. I've haven't met, but I've connected via telephone with my younger half brother Silas. We hope to get a chance soon to meet face to face for the first time.
Some more jump roping and a very adventurous 10K walk is in our near future, like in the next couple of hours! We're also going to try to squeeze in a family movie and I'm getting ready to fire up the grill for a fantastic little cookout. We're going to have a nice fathers day evening.
I'm cutting tonight's blog a little short. One of the biggest criticisms I receive from my loving family is that I spend way too much time on this blog. I do spend a lot of time, but what it has given me in terms of learning about myself and my behaviors through writing, is invaluable. I just can't put a price on the value of my blog. It's precious to me. It is my story. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Fathers Day Reflection and A Nice Evening Planned
One of the important things I knew I had to accomplish along this journey was reconnecting with my father. I did late last year and it was a wonderful thing. I completely let go of the past resentments and along the way discovered the meaning of real forgiveness . The following is an excerpt from Day 106 titled “Physical and Emotional Health-Both Important”: Today I did something that's very important to my emotional growth. And although it may not seem like it would make a difference on this journey, it does. This journey is about getting a complete understanding of everything that has made me who I am. To be the best person I can be inside and out, I need to fill some voids that have been with me way too long. It's a very long story, and extremely personal, but I'll try to give a quick abbreviated version. The relationship between my Mom and Dad never survived long enough to see my birth on October 23rd 1971. My father was not a part of my life ever. As a kid, my mom would show me a picture of a man in uniform that “looked like” my dad. So at 19 I decided to find him. Armed with a couple of clues and a telephone, I found him within 45 minutes alive and well in Arab, Alabama. Any resentment and hard feelings over his absence in my life completely disappeared the moment he spoke. It was the most awkward moment of my life. What do you say to your father for the first time in your life at 19? I said “Whatever you do, don't hang up!” “I'm your son.” Well, he didn't hang up and we talked for a really long time that night. We exchanged pictures and phone calls several times over the course of a few months, then we planned a meeting. My first trip to Alabama was too much to handle. We turned around after coming within 150 miles of his house. It wasn't until a couple of years or more later that we made the trip. We spent two weeks in Alabama and met almost the entire family. It turned out I had an aunt living in Midwest City, so we also visited her family down there. It was a wonderful experience, but still I just wasn't emotionally ready to handle it in a positive way. After that trip, I completely fell out of touch, and haven't really pursued contact since. I've never met my two half brothers, and that's something that I really want and need to do. As for a relationship with my father? I'd really like to at least talk occasionally. I don't want to someday find his obituary on the internet, and realize I don't have another chance to know him in some way. Over the last several months my father and I have exchanged e-mails, phone calls, and he even occasionally reads this blog. I just had a wonderful thirty minute conversation with him this afternoon. His message to me was simple. He doesn't want me to live a life of regrets, he wants me to excel, and leave no stone unturned on my journey to a wonderful life. It's amazing how wonderful our very simple relationship is now, after letting go of the past. I'm learning that my dad is a very real, very good person, and like all of us, he's struggled with good and bad choices. He understands that choosing to not be a part of my life was a mistake. It's one that he regrets deeply, but we're past that now, and with the slate wiped clean with complete and total forgiveness, we can move forward to a mutually wonderful relationship. I never got a chance to meet Danny, my older half brother. Before we could reconnect, he died from aortic dissection, a condition caused by years of uncontrolled high blood pressure, he was 42. I've haven't met, but I've connected via telephone with my younger half brother Silas. We hope to get a chance soon to meet face to face for the first time.
Some more jump roping and a very adventurous 10K walk is in our near future, like in the next couple of hours! We're also going to try to squeeze in a family movie and I'm getting ready to fire up the grill for a fantastic little cookout. We're going to have a nice fathers day evening.
I'm cutting tonight's blog a little short. One of the biggest criticisms I receive from my loving family is that I spend way too much time on this blog. I do spend a lot of time, but what it has given me in terms of learning about myself and my behaviors through writing, is invaluable. I just can't put a price on the value of my blog. It's precious to me. It is my story. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
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