Showing posts with label regain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label regain. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

September 24th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

September 24th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

I was terrified. At the height of my regain, flirting once again with 400 pounds, I was worried that my body somehow wouldn't lose weight again. I felt trapped in a brutal cycle of addiction and the resulting weight gain. And I seemed to gain so easily, it really made me wonder if my body could/would respond in the other direction if I gave it an honest effort. I was in "hiding" in many ways, masked with this persona as "the choosing change guy," yet completely lost, a million miles from the mental, emotional and physical dynamics I once embraced during my initial 275 pound weight loss. The only change I was choosing was the kind quickly destroying me.

I weighed at my doctors office on April 9th and was horrified by the number 394. I was six pounds away from hitting 400 again. The number depressed me even further. I didn't share my struggles with anyone and those around me everyday could see what was happening--but didn't bring it up very often--and when they did, I would put on a smile and say, "I'm on it!" I wasn't on it.  I didn't reach out for support or help of any kind, except for a desperate email to Dr. Marty Lerner in Florida inquiring about the cost of an inpatient 30 day stay for food addiction recovery. I was really scared because it seemed that no matter what I did, I couldn't get it right again. I would do well a day or two, then crash and burn--only to spend another week or so off the rails until another burst of inspiration struck.

The worst part for me, was knowing how people found inspiration in my experience, and now I wasn't only letting myself down, in my mind I was letting down everyone who had ever sent an email or left a comment expressing their gratitude for my sharing and how it had helped them. That was very tough. I truly wanted to disappear, delete the blog from the internet, close down my facebook--and just fade away into the distance. I still had the ability to encourage others in a positive way--even mentoring some, with positive results I might add!! But the more I did, the more I felt like a fraud. If they only knew where I was in this moment, the thought frightened me to no end. And all of this negative energy only made matters worse.

I was sitting in the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through on April 10th, a day after the 394 weigh-in, picking up another large shake and who knows what else, when I checked my email and found this:

Hello sean
I hope you still pick up your emails on this account.
I picked up your blog on day 1 and I have not put it down since. I'm currently on day 142. I have followed your methods every step of the way and I'm achieving some fantastic results.
The main thing I wanted to email you about was to say
Thank you for saving my life

All the way from the UK
Nick

I didn't enjoy the shake after this email message. "Thank you for saving my life" Who, me?? If Nick only knew where I was and what I was doing in this moment, he would have been shocked. I was slowly killing myself by food, desperate to save my own life and worried I didn't know how this time.

I couldn't get Nick's email out of my head. I was at a pivotal point. I had reached out in blog posts prior, trying to share how desperate I had become and vowing to turn it all around--and still, I couldn't seem to make anything work or stick. I prayed, I meditated and I discussed some options with my therapist and with Life Coach Gerri. 

It was concluded that if I was to get back into a groove of good, I had to do things differently. What worked for me before wasn't enough. I needed a higher level of accountability, I needed to return to daily writing on this blog and I needed to weigh and measure my food. I quickly decided to tweet every bite of food, everyday, as an "extreme" accountability measure. The Twitter decision was a tough one--because the addict side of me was screaming NO!!!!! While the side of me trying to save me from myself was saying, OH YES!! Giving up sugar and committing to the Twitter feed has, without a doubt, been two of the best decisions I've made. Blogging again--everyday, without fail, has been paramount to stopping the regain and turning around what I thought was beyond hope.

Nick in the UK, thank you for saving my life!

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Weigh day, no matter how well I've been doing, is always a source of some anxiety. Not as much these days because I've adopted a "it will be what it is" type attitude. Clearly, this attitude has yet to be tested. I hopped on the scale today and found:
photo photo30_zpsa005aa32.jpg
This represents an 11 pound loss, bringing the total to 89 pounds in the last 22 weeks. It's been a dramatic turnaround to say the least.

I do know a slow down is coming and my "it will be what it is" attitude will be tested someday soon. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that all hope wasn't lost and my body was and continues to be capable of losing weight, as long as I'm applying an honest effort and doing the best I can each day. It's never perfect and it doesn't need to be--I'm being consistent, being honest, kind and compassionate toward myself and I'm getting results. I'm a very fortunate person.

My weigh days since "394 day" on April 9th:
photo 809393cb-c2a8-4d02-872f-b2d621de70dd_zps14b4e84d.png

My Tweets today:














Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, July 10, 2014

July 10th, 2014 Go At Your Own Pace

July 10th, 2014 Go At Your Own Pace

I made it through the day without snacking in between meals. Not that, good/well planned snacks are a bad thing, they're not. I've bulked up my meals the past few days since I fell short the other day by more than 300 calories. I'm not a nutrition expert, not even close, but I've listened to enough of them to know I must feed my metabolism! Some say I should eat more than 1700 calories a day and I don't necessarily dispute their assessment, but I'll know when and if I'm ready to bump it up a little. For me, it'll come when I feel like I've raised the bar in the exercise department.

I mentioned yesterday about adding spinning classes to my exercise plan. I did many of these before, but not before hitting somewhere in the 280's, if I remember right. I recently had a conversation with one of the spin instructors at my local YMCA and he asked, "When will I see you back in my class?" I smiled and said "I've got some more weight to lose before I climb onto that seat again." To which he replied, "You can just do what you can in there at your own pace." And this was a light bulb moment for me. He's right. The seat might hurt for a few classes, sure, but my backside will strengthen up quickly and it'll not be an issue, just like it wasn't before. And why do I feel the need to stay on pace with the rest of the regulars in there?? This isn't a competition, after all. Besides, they're regulars! I was also a regular at one point, and what advice did I give to a friend trying it for the first time? "Hey, don't worry--just go at your own pace." It's high time I take the instructor's and my own advice and apply it to me. I'm really looking forward to the incredible workout I know it will provide.

I caught my reflection in a window today and it almost made me emotional in a good way. My reflection was noticeably smaller. Avoiding mirrors, reflections and pictures was a big part of the mental/emotional dynamics of the regain. As if not seeing it made it less than it was. If a family member took a picture of me at my heaviest regain point, I would go out of my way to ignore it--of course, not before reminding them to NOT post them on social media. Why? Embarrassment over the regain, of course! But I'm over that now and it feels incredibly liberating. I still request privacy and control over what pictures others share of me, but it's for different reasons. Since the epiphanies of May 15th, I'm no longer ashamed for being me. And that's bigger than any regain. I've discovered the ability to feel good about myself regardless of the reflection in the window. Still, it felt good to see a smaller me staring back today. Mainly, because it's confirmation that what I'm doing is working well. In the darkness of relapse and regain, the hopeless emotions become very deceiving, convincing us that perhaps returning to a healthy weight isn't possible; isn't an option. But it is possible and it isn't hopeless. It can certainly feel that way, but I'm living proof it isn't.

My food was really good today. Breakfast and lunch was fairly routine and I had planned to cook a nice dinner at home before a friend called asking if I could be a designated driver tonight. I drove and while he did what he was doing, I made my way to the Y for my workout, then I dined on his dime at a very nice restaurant. I'm super picky while eating out these days and for good reason. I found a nice sirloin, some asparagus and sweet potato fries. The server offered to bring bread and I replied: "Please don't, but thank you!" I also ordered the steak to be cooked without any added fat (usually butter), just a dry grill with dry seasonings. It was wonderful. The asparagus was obviously cooked with olive oil and much more than the small spray of olive oil I usually use at home. Instead of 25-35 calories worth of asparagus, it checked in at 112 calories. I will admit, it was the best asparagus I've tasted in a very long time. The sweet potato fries were fried instead of baked like I do at home, so I paired down the serving size until I was confident the 160 cal count I assigned was fairly close. It was a great meal and I feel good about my choices. "Would you like dessert tonight?" she offered. I didn't speak, I just smiled politely and lightly shook my head to indicate a pass. I'm finding incredible strength and pleasure in this new found resolve and control. It's a special kind of place where the feeling of accomplishment is desired more than the temporary high of whatever is on the dessert tray.

Today's meal tweets and a couple extra solely for the sake of amusement:








Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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